- 5 months ago
ENTERTAINMENT
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FunTranscript
00:00The following programme contains strong language, adult themes and adult humour.
00:09Do you ever feel like you're the worst person in the world?
00:13It's him, Ron. We're going to have to find this brother of his.
00:16Jesus Christ!
00:17I'm Sue.
00:18So, Glenn was telling me that you run the family business.
00:21You're my brother, so whatever it is, I'll help you.
00:23It's just not with money, obviously.
00:25Every penny we've got goes to the wedding fund.
00:27You've just got to keep your eyes open, all right, for geysers driving about in black town moments with tattoos on their faces.
00:32Glenn, we are celebrating. Check the savings account.
00:35What?
00:41Thanks, Trish. Best chips in town news.
00:43I know. I'll shout when your doughnuts is ready.
00:47Great.
00:47Enjoy.
00:48Yeah, will do, Trish. Thank you.
00:50It's not Trish.
00:51Sorry?
00:52It's not Trish.
00:54It's Julie.
00:57That's just for marketing purposes.
01:01Oh, right.
01:02Okay.
01:04Great. Well, thank you.
01:07What the fuck?
01:08You won't believe what Trish just talked.
01:10Kirstie, I'm sorry, but I do think we need to call the bank.
01:12Oh, for goodness sake.
01:14I told you, look.
01:15It's an app.
01:16It'll be a glitch.
01:17Yeah, but what if it's not Kirst?
01:18We're meant to be celebrating, Glenn.
01:19Kirstie, but what if it's, you know, fraud?
01:21Like, bank fraud?
01:22Well, it's not going to be that, is it?
01:24Come on, just Trish, you need to chip.
01:26Well, a scam, like email scams, you know, or something like that.
01:28I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, what?
01:33Call the bank, then.
01:34What, why?
01:34Call the bank.
01:36Call the bank.
01:36All right, I am doing, but why?
01:38Okay, there was an email from the bank, but then when I looked again, it wasn't from the bank.
01:42It was, like, all spelt wrong.
01:43Kirstie, did you click a link?
01:45No, I don't think so.
01:46Did you click a link, Kirstie?
01:46No, I don't know.
01:47Did you click a link, Kirstie?
01:48Did I click a link?
01:49I don't know.
01:49I think, Kirstie, did you click a link?
01:50I don't know.
01:51Did you click it?
01:51Did you click it?
01:51Did you click it?
01:52Did you click it?
01:52I don't.
01:52Say your own words, what is the nature of your words?
01:53Yes, I've clicked a link.
01:55I'm sorry.
01:56Oh, my God.
01:57Right, hold the star key down.
01:58I saw it on the one show.
01:59Yep, yep, all right.
02:00Fuck.
02:01Oh, my God.
02:02It's going to be all right, isn't it?
02:03They'll sort it, won't they?
02:04They'll sort it out, will they?
02:05Will they sort it?
02:06Kirstie, breathe, Kirstie, Kirstie, breathe.
02:08Oh, shit, no, the passwords, Glenn, for the bank.
02:11We don't know them.
02:11I don't know them.
02:12Do you know them?
02:12I don't know them.
02:13I don't know them.
02:13I knew you would know them.
02:14We'll talk to them, right, and I'm sure, I'm sure that they will be able to, um,
02:19Hey, just don't know what, Kirstie, let's just drive.
02:22What?
02:22Yeah, let's just go.
02:23Let's just, the passwords are own, won't they?
02:24Yeah, but we haven't gone.
02:25No, just drive, Kirstie.
02:26Okay.
02:26Drive, Kirstie, just drive, Kirstie.
02:28Okay.
02:29Oi, I'm a bag of donut.
02:30Sorry, Trish.
02:31Fuck, Julie.
02:32Sorry, Julie.
02:37Oh, Kirstie, faster.
02:38Go faster, Kirstie.
02:39What?
02:39What's going on?
02:40Faster, um, hello there.
02:42You're speaking to Jonathan.
02:43Who am I speaking to?
02:44Hi, it's Glenn, Ben Campbell.
02:45Do you mind if I call you Glenn?
02:46No, that's completely fine.
02:47Fuck!
02:48Can I start by taking your account number?
02:50Glenn, what's going on?
02:51Yeah, Kirstie, I didn't want to tell you this, but it's about Lee.
02:53There are men looking for him, Kirstie, bad men.
02:55What, and that's who's behind her?
02:56Well, I don't know, but I think it might be, yeah.
02:57Are we ready with the number?
02:58Well, what do they want Lee for?
02:59Well, I don't know, Kirstie, but they're bad men, aren't they?
03:02So, I mean, like, kill him?
03:03I don't know the details.
03:05If you don't have your details to hand your personal banking pin with...
03:07Go left, Kirstie, go left.
03:09What, where?
03:09Here.
03:14Yes, what the fuck, Glenn?
03:15Why didn't you tell me?
03:17I didn't want to panic you, did I?
03:18Oh, brilliant.
03:18Well, that's panned out really well, yeah.
03:19I'll just pop you on hold.
03:26Glenn, brace.
03:29Oh, shush, Glenn, I've all seen Tom Gare.
03:48Yeah, hello.
03:49Lee?
03:50Lee?
03:51Lee?
03:52Fraud squad!
03:52Fraud team!
03:53We need the fraud squad, whatever you call them.
03:55No, I do understand, but you'll still need to give me the...
03:58Yes, Jonathan, the passwords?
04:00Yes, I'm just looking for them.
04:01He's not here.
04:02He's not on to your phone.
04:03Pick up, Lee!
04:04Well, I'll still get the car.
04:05Where's the thing?
04:06What thing?
04:07The thing, the can!
04:08The fake bean can, the bean can, the can!
04:10Can't put them to the thing where it always is.
04:11No, it's not there!
04:13It's not...
04:13Hello.
04:14Hello.
04:15I really do need the...
04:23Oh, my God, I've called 911 because of Lenny's!
04:39Lee's not here!
04:40Whatever it is you want, he's not!
04:42What are you, Glenn?
04:47Glenn, no!
04:48Longer run.
04:57All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
05:02Standing here outside your door
05:06I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
05:11He's fucked us.
05:13He's fucked us.
05:14Taking everything we've got
05:17The haulage business was losing money
05:20Unbeknownst to us
05:22Lee's kept it a secret
05:23And tried to fix it
05:24Cut deeper and deeper in debt
05:26Until...
05:28Bang!
05:30All gone tits up
05:31The firm was everything, Glenn
05:39That's our savings
05:40Pensions, our futures
05:42Our business
05:43That me and your dad started
05:45That your dad passed out to Lee
05:47And now
05:48That's all
05:50If he'd just told us
05:52If he'd asked us
05:53We could've...
05:53But he didn't
05:54Because it's all front with your brother
05:57Plays a big man
05:58But when times get hard
05:59He runs off
06:01Yeah
06:03Could I trouble you for another one of those wafer biscuits?
06:11Absolutely, yeah
06:13How did you find me?
06:15You're on LinkedIn, Glenn
06:17Doesn't take a fucking genius
06:19You can't treat people like that
06:22People who love you
06:24I know the money's not coming back
06:26I know that
06:27He needs to look me in the eye
06:30And understand
06:33All the fucking pain
06:36That's what I mean
06:38He owes me that much
06:44So, um, when's he getting back?
06:52Kiss me
06:56And smile for me
06:59Tell me that you'll wait for me
07:03Hold me like you'll never let me go
07:08Cause I'm leaving
07:12On a jet plane
07:15Don't know
07:16He's taking everything
07:18Here
07:18Oh, it's just Mum
07:24It's a lovely warm welcome, innit?
07:27Now, listen
07:28Sue, we're in the middle of something
07:29Excuse me
07:30Mother
07:31Have you called the police?
07:32What's the point?
07:33The time it takes the old bill to get the heads round it
07:35It'll be halfway to Tori Molina's
07:36With our wedding fund
07:37Sorry
07:40It's just, um
07:41Fuck!
07:45Hello?
07:46Who am I?
07:47The ghost of fucking Christmas past?
07:49Yes, we can hear you, Mother
07:50So, something's happened, right?
07:51It's about my brother Lee
07:53He was staying here with us
07:54You don't say
07:55Now, I know he's your flesh and blood
07:57But I can't lie, Glenn
07:58The bloke's a fucking melt
08:00What?
08:00Wait, you've seen him?
08:01Seen him?
08:02Oh, yeah
08:02I've taken two buses
08:03And a 40-minute trek down the dual carriageway
08:06Just because of that fucking prude
08:07Where is he?
08:08Sue, it's important
08:09Fuck if I know
08:10Right
08:10He dumped me and that gay fella
08:12On the A12
08:13After he naffed off with my Samsung Galaxy
08:15Wait, Mum
08:16You left your phone with him
08:17I didn't leave it with him
08:18He nicked off with it, didn't he?
08:19Right
08:19I put five of my friends on Mum's phone
08:21When we thought she was stealing our ham
08:22Oh, my God
08:22Yeah, do it
08:22Fucking what?
08:23Do you mind, Mum?
08:24This actually is not about you
08:26Oh, right
08:28Okay
08:29I'll sort myself out for a drink then, shall I?
08:32Excuse me
08:32Where is he?
08:33Oh, sorry
08:34I'd say he's in Stansted by now
08:36Cost of the double souls Luton
08:37Well, I seem to remember using Stansted
08:39No, he's not at the airport
08:40Wait, where is he, Cost?
08:42He's in Dagenham
08:43Dagenham?
08:44What?
08:44Dagenham
08:44What?
08:46What the fuck's doing with 15 grand in Dagenham?
08:48He ain't got 15 grand
08:50He left this behind
08:53Bucked off
08:54Big freaky look on his face
08:55Fancy talking to me now, do you?
08:58Is that all of it?
09:00Well, it's 50 quid
09:01For my trouble
09:02Hang on, hang on
09:04Wait a second
09:05Isn't Dagenham where their dad, um
09:08Yeah
09:09In
09:09Oh, right
09:10Fuck
09:11Huh?
09:12Good night
09:13I've been walking these streets so long
09:25Singing the same old song
09:29I know if we crack in these dirty sidewalks of Broadway
09:36Where hustle's the name of the game
09:42And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
09:48There's been a load of compromising
09:54On the road to my horizon
09:58But I'm gonna be where the lights are shining on me
10:05Like a rhinestone cowboy
10:09It's all right, Cust
10:22You stay there and I'll be
10:23Wait, Ben?
10:39How could you?
11:06After I welcomed you back
11:08But
11:10Right
11:10So what, you're just gonna fuck off, yeah?
11:14Stay here for the night and then, uh
11:16Well, just drive away, fuck off
11:17Run away like you always do
11:19Something like that
11:21I should have known
11:28You
11:31You are
11:34A selfish piece of shit
11:36You know, man
11:38Honestly, I don't know how you can fucking live with yourself
11:43Wait
11:45You're fucking shit
12:11No
12:11No
12:13Leave it
12:14No
12:14Leave it
12:15No
12:16No
12:17You don't get to
12:18No
12:18You do not get to do this, you selfish
12:20How the fuck are you to tell me what I get to do?
12:24Questioning me
12:25Questioning me
12:26You haven't got a clue
12:27The fucking pressure
12:28The fucking
12:30Don't talk about it
12:32You've been the baby
12:33You've been the baby your whole life
12:37No responsibilities
12:39Protected from everything
12:42No responsibility
12:43Mum shielded you from it all
12:45Except the responsibility of looking after her
12:47Oh, here we go
12:47Trump card
12:48You left
12:49You left
12:50Lee
12:50You left her all alone
12:53Through her illness
12:54Through everything
12:55Where were you through that bit, eh?
12:58When she got sick, no
12:59I had to look after her
13:02Where were you through that?
13:03Oh, there, that's it
13:04I remember
13:04Out
13:05Off your head on
13:07Fucking
13:07Pingers
13:09I don't know the terminology, do I?
13:12He's grieving my dad
13:13Oh, sure
13:13You have no fucking idea
13:15What it was like for me when he died
13:17I've been trying to live up to him
13:19My whole life
13:20Trying to be the big man
13:22Do you think I wanted that?
13:27I just wanted one chance
13:29Just to make him
13:32All I ever wanted was to make him
13:35He's proud
13:42Yeah
13:47I reckon it's a bit late for that, eh?
14:01One of the boys
14:01Told us everything
14:03No more secrets
14:08Right?
14:10Yeah
14:11It's all out in the open
14:12Try and sort this mess out
14:16Whatever that looks like
14:17It's over
14:20Yeah?
14:24Yeah
14:24It's over
14:26It's fine
14:33He's gonna
14:33Everything's gonna be alright
14:35He's just
14:36Lee?
14:42Lee?
14:43Lee?
14:44Lee?
14:45Lee?
14:46Lee?
14:46Lee?
14:46It's a bloody gas tank!
14:49No!
14:49No!
14:49No!
14:50No!
14:50No!
14:51No!
14:51No!
14:52No!
14:53No!
14:53No!
14:54No!
14:55No!
14:56No!
14:57No!
14:58No!
14:59No!
15:00No!
15:01No!
15:02No!
15:03No!
15:04No!
15:04No!
15:05No!
15:05No!
15:05No!
15:06No!
15:07No!
15:07No!
15:08No!
15:08No!
15:08No!
15:16It's fucking empty.
15:17Oh, my God.
15:36Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be...
15:38Funny.
15:43Can't even fucking get that right.
15:44Lee, Lee, Lee, come out.
15:46And we can go home and we can, um...
15:50Well, I don't know what, but I'm sure that we all...
15:51Oh, for fuck's sake, he's going to flambé himself.
15:57No, no, no, no, don't do that, all right?
15:59To be honest, I think I'll just burn your hair off, but...
16:01Fuck off.
16:03Glenn.
16:04Oh.
16:13Don't stay back.
16:14Just, just, just...
16:17Put it down, Lee.
16:18Fuck off.
16:18Leave me alone.
16:19No, no, I won't do that, actually.
16:22Go!
16:22I'm shit!
16:23No, you're not shit.
16:25You're...
16:26Well, yeah, well, actually, you are a bit shit, but, but, but, you know, we're all shit,
16:29aren't we?
16:31Right?
16:35Glenn.
16:36Here.
16:37Here.
16:37Lee.
16:46Lee.
16:48Look at me, then, you're prone.
16:54Lee.
17:01Come on.
17:02Come on, come on.
17:14You could've danced for what?
17:17God, do you have to do that, you think?
17:18You broke my heart, there's no way.
17:22We'll run after you, baby.
17:26Go back your back.
17:28I won't lie, I did not expect this.
17:38All right, yeah.
17:39That's it.
17:54Why didn't you just leave me?
17:56Because I love you, don't you, you twat.
17:59You'd be blamed for massive twat.
18:02Come on.
18:03No.
18:04What?
18:05Dad.
18:06Leave him, mate.
18:07He's all over the fucking dashboard.
18:09We'll come back with a fucking hoover.
18:10Will we fuck?
18:12Lee, please, come on.
18:13No, what kind of a son would I be if I left him in the middle of a fucking factory?
18:18Lee.
18:21That's not your dad.
18:24You what?
18:26Your dad's not dead.
18:32Your dad, your...
18:34Your dad's in fucking Tenerife.
18:44For fuck's sake.
18:45I'm sorry, Tenerife.
19:00He's running a jerk chicken place in Playa de los Americas.
19:04Your mum made me swear I'd never tell you.
19:09Oh, well.
19:12Sorry, Jackie.
19:13Jerk chicken.
19:14Yeah, it's similar to peri-peri, just not quite as spicy.
19:18Honestly, just talk normal.
19:20She's not going to wake up.
19:21Are you, mum?
19:25See?
19:27But what about the ashes?
19:29Not sure.
19:29Only your mum was best mates with Geoff Gardner, who had a, what do you call it, pet crematorium.
19:38What's this, a fucking Labrador?
19:40Well, not necessarily.
19:43Could have been a large cat.
19:44Or maybe a baby donkey.
19:50Oh, it's Roger next door.
19:51She won't win.
19:52Listen, I know you've had a hard day, but...
19:56Well, with all this and the bit where you tried to top yourself twice,
20:00I understand there are mental issues inherent and all that,
20:03but at the end of the day, we're all out of a job unless things gets fixed.
20:07This is a big mess to clean up, Lee.
20:10And you, you are the man who wheels the mob.
20:13Well, mate.
20:14No, no, too.
20:16He's right.
20:18What I've done, it's...
20:20all them fucking years, trying to live up to Dad.
20:26And it turns out...
20:29You left mum with two kids and up in a joke chicken shop?
20:32Yeah.
20:38All the same, we'll expect you first thing Monday morning, yeah?
20:41Now you're in there,
20:43move these ruddy cars off my drive.
20:46What if I had visitors?
20:50I'm just gonna go and have one of these.
20:58Right.
20:59Thanks be the fuck, that's all sorted.
21:00Hang on, hang on, hang on.
21:02I would...
21:03look at him.
21:05Surely we can't...
21:06Clint, if he doesn't come back,
21:08we haven't got a chance of getting this sorted, like...
21:10there's no alternative.
21:11Well, what if the company were to accept a bridging loan of, say, I don't know, like, just over 15,000?
21:25Well, Kirsty, not.
21:26She means the wedding money.
21:28It's the right thing to do, love.
21:30Cos we can't just give away.
21:31We're not giving it away.
21:32They'll make it back in, like...
21:34Yeah, I mean, it will take years, but...
21:38You don't want to get married, that's what it is.
21:39No, that's not what it is.
21:42Course not.
21:43Well, I think maybe just the idea, like, took over a little bit.
21:49And we're maybe a bit more, like, focused on that than we were on us.
21:53And we're so much better now, aren't we?
21:59And I'm so glad.
22:01But, yeah, if it means just delaying the wedding a little bit, then...
22:06That is what I think we should do.
22:12If you agree.
22:17That's all you want.
22:18Yeah.
22:20Open the house immediately!
22:22I can't ask again!
22:24Roger!
22:24We're having a bit of fun!
22:25We've had a family...
22:26I don't give a toughenny talk!
22:28Glenn?
22:30All right!
22:31Roger!
22:32Love, that's your way, then.
22:34You want to watch your tone, chum?
22:37Didn't your mother teach you any manners?
22:41Actually, sorry, can I just give Mark a go, please?
22:43That's great.
22:43Yeah.
22:45What?
22:45Why?
22:46No, nothing, sir.
22:47I'll be a minute.
22:48I'll, er...
22:49Yeah.
22:49Ben.
22:50Bring it, cunt!
22:52Come on, Em.
23:05Get the name off me!
23:07Where will you go?
23:09Don't worry about me, mate.
23:10I'll be fine.
23:11Well?
23:18It's been...
23:19Yeah.
23:23I just want to say something.
23:26It's important that you don't respond, okay?
23:27Don't respond.
23:28Just, er, acknowledge it.
23:29Give me a nod.
23:30I, er...
23:35I love you.
23:41You big nuns.
24:02You all right?
24:02Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:05It's for the best, though, eh, love?
24:07Mm.
24:08Mm, you're right.
24:09Yeah, yeah.
24:11Oh.
24:12Shall we go inside?
24:13Pop the kettle on?
24:13Ooh, we'll catch the last bit of...
24:14Fuck!
24:17Ling!
24:20Wait!
24:23Ling!
24:23Ling!
24:23I need you to stay, all right?
24:45Because...
24:46I want to find Dad.
24:51I want to find Dad.
24:52I want to punch him in the fucking face.
24:57Shut up and reverse, you shit.
25:00Cass!
25:06Cass!
25:07She's going to stay, Cass.
25:08Oh, fuck me.
25:10We're going to find Dad.
25:12We're going to find...
25:13Oh, that's great.
25:14Yeah.
25:15Yeah, innit?
25:16I know.
25:17I know, yeah.
25:18Yeah.
25:19Sure.
25:20Yeah, of course.
25:21Yeah.
25:22Boy.
25:23...
25:23Turns on the day
25:26In the avenues and alleyways
25:31While you sleep, there's a whole world coming alive
25:36Abel and his brother fighting one another
25:39In and out of every dive
25:42The avenues and alleyways
25:45Where the strong and the quick alone can survive
25:50Look around the jungle, see the rough and tumble
25:53Listen to a squealer drive
25:56If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme
26:03Help is available online at sky.com forward slash viewer support