- 2 months ago
Films in Public Domain
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00The Lucy Show
00:04Starring Lucille Ball
00:07Co-starring Vivian Vance
00:30Lucy, is Chris out of the bathroom yet?
00:58No
00:59I want to get dressed
01:01I've got to take a shower
01:04Do you think she's ever coming out of there?
01:11And I certainly hope so
01:13Because I have to wash off this beauty mask
01:15Before it gets hard
01:16Oh, yeah
01:17Chris is always monopolizing the bathroom
01:20What takes her so long in there?
01:23Oh, you know how teenagers are
01:24If they're not washing their hair
01:26They're rolling it up or taking it down
01:28Or trying out a new style
01:30Yeah
01:30Or brushing it or spraying it
01:34Or washing out the spray
01:35Yeah
01:36Or rolling it up again
01:38Do you think she'd come out of there once in a while
01:41Just to give her roots a rest?
01:45Well, one good thing
01:46While she's in the bathroom
01:47At least she's not tying up the phone
01:49Oh, can you imagine what would happen
01:51If we had a telephone in there?
01:53Good heavens
01:54I wouldn't see Chris
01:55Until she was old enough to vote
01:57Chris!
01:59Oh
01:59I better get out in the kitchen
02:02And wash this off
02:03Yeah
02:03Chris, are you ever coming out of there?
02:08Well, what are you two doing?
02:10Is that you, Aunt Lucy?
02:15Yes, it's me, Aunt Lucy
02:17This is a facial mask I'm wearing
02:19To make me look pretty
02:20Gee, Mom, I thought you'd look prettier without it
02:24Well, thank you, honey
02:28What's come over, you two?
02:32Washing in the middle of the day
02:34We're going to the Y
02:35So?
02:37They slown on filth
02:39Well, I see somebody beat you to the annex
02:43Yeah, I'm afraid so
02:44Lucy, do you think it'd do any good
02:46If I called Chris' boyfriend
02:48And had him call her
02:49And while they're talking on the telephone
02:51I could rush into the bathroom
02:52And stake out a claim
02:53In the name of the great unwashed?
02:57No, I'm afraid not
02:59Mom, we're going to the Y to play basketball
03:01Okay, darling
03:02Okay, Jerry, here you are
03:04Now remember, be sure and take a shower
03:07Before you come home
03:08Do we have to?
03:09Yes, you have to
03:10We do frown on filth
03:12Bye
03:13Bye
03:14Take a shower for me
03:15You know, Viv, one bathroom is just not enough for five people
03:21Of course it isn't
03:22It never has been
03:23I'm just going to have to install a second bathroom
03:26Oh, now Lucy, we've been over all of that before
03:28You just can't afford it
03:30Well, there's just one thing that we're going to have to do
03:33You and the boys and I are going to have to come out every morning
03:37Jump in the car, put the top down, ride into Danfield
03:40And go through the car wash
03:41That's a thought
03:44Hey
03:46You know, I could just put in a shower
03:49Instead of a whole bathroom
03:50That way it wouldn't cost so much
03:52Yeah, but Paisley the plumber
03:54Would still charge you plenty for the labor
03:56Well, I'm going to call him
03:57Maybe he's having a sale
03:58Maybe so
03:59You know, we wouldn't even have to tear down a wall
04:02We could put the shower in that closet in the boys' room
04:05Hey, you better wash off that facial mask
04:07Why?
04:07Because in just a few minutes
04:09You're going to be ready for Mount Rushmore
04:10That's right
04:12Now don't use all the hot water
04:14No, I won't
04:14What?
04:19That much to install a shower?
04:23Mr. Paisley, if you don't lower your prices
04:25You're liable to bring on socialized plumbing
04:27Well, good day to you too, Mr. Paisley
04:31What'd he say?
04:34Just what you said he would say
04:35Boy, these prices
04:37Apparently the only way to get clean
04:40Is to be filthy rich
04:41Hey, you know, if I bought the equipment
04:46And had a friend install the shower
04:48Wouldn't cost half as much
04:49If the friend you have in mind
04:52Is who I think it is
04:53That friend thinks you're out of your mind
04:55Viv, I wouldn't ask you to do a thing like that
04:59Thanks
04:59You don't know anything about plumbing
05:01Who did you have in mind?
05:05Good old Harry next door
05:07Oh, now Lucy, we can't ask Harry to do anything else for us
05:10We're always imposing on him
05:12That's not imposing
05:14Harry enjoys doing things for us
05:16It feeds his ego
05:17It seems to me that by now
05:20His ego would be as fat as a horse
05:22Well
05:24Where are you going?
05:25Over to Harry's
05:26The sooner he starts on the shower
05:28The sooner we'll have it
05:29Oh, Harry, hi
05:33I'm sorry
05:34It's all right
05:35You just dented my bumper a little
05:36Where are you going in such a rush?
05:39I was going over to see you
05:40Forget it, I'm not there
05:42That's funny
05:44You're funny, Harry
05:50What did you want to see me about?
05:52Oh, well, what did you come over here for?
05:54To invite your lovely girls to lunch
05:56Oh, great
05:57Come on, Lucy, let's get dressed
05:58No, we can't go
06:00Why not?
06:02Well, don't you remember, Viv?
06:04I was going over to Harry's
06:05Don't you remember?
06:06I was going to invite him over here for lunch
06:08You were?
06:09Yeah
06:10Oh, yeah, yeah, she was
06:12She was, that's right
06:13Now, you just sit down, Harry
06:17Relax
06:18Get nice and comfy
06:19And I'm going to make you your favorite dish
06:21Eggs Benedict
06:22Hold it
06:23All right, Lucy
06:25What do you want me to do?
06:28Whatever do you mean?
06:31I have learned from bitter experience
06:33That any time you offer me anything more
06:35Than a peanut butter sandwich
06:37You have something you either want repaired
06:39Shoveled, lifted
06:41Or taken out of a trap and buried
06:44Well, that just shows you how wrong you can be, Harry
06:49Oh, Harry, you have such a suspicious nature
06:52You mean you just want me to have lunch?
06:55I don't have to do anything?
06:56Not a thing
06:57Oh, thanks
06:58Unless, of course, you'd like to show your appreciation
07:01By installing an extra shower for me
07:03I knew it
07:07Install a shower
07:08That's a big job
07:09Well, Harry, I don't mean for you to do it now
07:11While I'm fixing your lunch
07:12I mean, do it next weekend
07:13Couldn't I just have a peanut butter sandwich?
07:18Harry, it's a snack
07:19Come on, Lucy
07:20I'm no plumbing expert
07:22Oh, you're so modest
07:24You know, you're a whiz at fixing stopped-up sinks
07:27Well, that's a lot different than installing a whole shower
07:31I can't do that by myself
07:33Oh, well, you'll have help
07:35Yeah, who?
07:36Well, um, come in
07:38Uh
07:39Hi, Tootsie
07:40Hi, Eddie
07:41Eddie
07:41Hi, Lucy
07:42Hey, we were just talking about you
07:45You were?
07:47Yeah
07:47How would you like some Eggs Benedict?
07:49Yeah
07:50How would you like some Eggs Benedict?
07:53Oh, that'd be wonderful
07:54Just marvelous
07:55I'm coming, I'm starting
08:08Hi, Harry
08:12Hi, Ed
08:13Watching me, Joe Melvin
08:14This is Harry Connors
08:15How are you?
08:16Hello, Joe
08:16Nice to see you
08:17Boy, am I glad to see you
08:19I just discovered I don't know a snake from a plumber's friend
08:23Wait a minute
08:24Hey, where are the girls?
08:27They're out shopping, why?
08:29My boy
08:29How would you like to get out of this whole ugly mess?
08:34Great, but how?
08:35I've got a plan
08:36You see, Joe here is a plumber from Ridgeberry
08:39Buddy
08:41Now, would you be willing to put out a little money to get out of installing that shower?
08:47Is it under a million dollars?
08:50I'll give you my rock-bottom price
08:52You've got a deal
08:53All right, my boy
08:54I'll tell you what we're going to do
08:55We're going to tell the girls that Joe here is an old friend of ours who'll do the job for nothing
09:01Then we split the bill, take the weekend off, and the girls don't know the difference
09:05Is that good?
09:07Good, it's inspired
09:08Do you mind if I ask a question?
09:11No, go ahead
09:12Why don't you just tell the two ladies the truth?
09:14Because they'd never go for it
09:15Now, they don't mind us giving up our weekends or breaking our back
09:20But they'd never allow us to pay you
09:22After all, they've got their pride
09:24Oh
09:25Well, look, I'd better get to work
09:27You guys started paying me the minute I walked through that door
09:30I'll show you where the shower goes
09:32It's in the closet in the boys' room
09:33Now, Harry, remember
09:34We tell the girls that we meant to do the job with Joe
09:38But suddenly you have to take a flight to Honolulu
09:41And I've got a client in town from L.A.
09:44And then we'd stay out of their way for the entire weekend
09:48You got it?
09:49Oh
09:49I gotta hand it to you, Eddie
09:51I always knew you were clever
09:53But you turned out to be positively crafty
09:56Thank you
09:57Well, how's it going, Joe?
10:09Oh, it ought to be finished in an hour or two
10:11Good
10:12Gee, you must be a good friend of Eddie and Harry's
10:15To let them take advantage of you like this
10:17Huh?
10:18Oh, yeah, yeah, sure
10:19Do you know how much a real plumber would charge for this?
10:22How much?
10:24Oh, I'd hate to tell you
10:26You know what robbers they all are
10:28Now, just a minute
10:32Some of my best friends are plumbers
10:34Oh, well, of course there are good ones and bad ones
10:37Yeah
10:38What do you do for a living, Joe?
10:43Well, I'm
10:44Well, what do you think I do?
10:49Well, from the looks of your sensitive hands
10:52I'd say you were a doctor
10:54You guessed it
10:57I can always tell
10:58Yeah
10:59Mom, can we watch Joe?
11:06Well, you can if you don't bother the man
11:08We won't
11:09All right, sit down there and be quiet now
11:11He's very, very busy, so be quiet
11:13Well, there it is, Jerry
11:17A shower, right in our room
11:19We won't have any excuse for not washing again
11:22That's one of the most depressing sights I have ever seen
11:27Hey, Joe, where's the bathtub?
11:31Well, this is a stall shower, there's no tub
11:33This is different from our other shower
11:36Then I can get out of using this one on a technicality
11:40How come?
11:41There's no place to stay on my boat
11:43Joe, where does the water go up?
11:47Oh, right there
11:47How come it's covered up?
11:53Well, you see, this is a test plug
11:55It has to stay screwed on over the drain
11:57Until the inspector okays it
11:58Oh
11:59What's an inspector?
12:01Now, now, now
12:02I told you not to bother the man
12:04Come on, downstairs
12:05Why don't you go out and play or something?
12:09Well, how's it going, Joe?
12:11Well, it would go a lot faster if you wouldn't keep coming in here every few minutes asking, how's it going, Joe?
12:18Yeah, I suppose so
12:22Joe, isn't that shower head a little low?
12:31It's the standard height
12:32Well, it looks a little low to my eye
12:34I think it should be about five inches higher
12:37Look, it's too late to do anything about it now, it's already in
12:42Yeah, and the way it's in, Joe
12:44That's a pretty sloppy caulking job
12:47I'm not finished with it yet
12:49Well, I suppose I shouldn't complain after all you are an amateur
12:52Oh, nothing personal, Joe
12:56Say, should you be using that wrench on that?
13:09Just what do you suggest I use?
13:12Well, I think you should use that doohickey right there
13:14You're liable to mar that hardware with that wrench
13:17How would you like to do this yourself?
13:19Well, now, let's not get huffy
13:21I'm not getting huffy
13:23Well, now, for a doctor, you have very nasty bedside manners
13:28What would you say if I told you I was a plumber?
13:37Well, if you are, you could fool the panel on What's My Line?
13:42Well, it just so happens I am a plumber
13:45You are not
13:46You're a doctor friend of Eddie's and Harry's
13:49I never saw them before in my life
13:51And the only operation I ever performed
13:54Was removing a spoon from a garbage disposal
13:57If you're not a friend, why are you doing this?
14:00Because they're paying me
14:02They're paying you?
14:05Where are you going?
14:06I'm quitting
14:07If they're paying you, you can't quit
14:09Lady, there isn't enough money in the world
14:12To get me to finish this job
14:14Here
14:14Wait a minute
14:16What do you want me to do with this?
14:18Finish it yourself
14:19With a doohickey
14:20What's he mumbling about?
14:28He just walked out on the job
14:30Well, that's a fine thing for a friend of Eddie and Harry's to do
14:34Friend?
14:35He isn't even a doctor
14:36Who isn't even a friend or a doctor?
14:40I'll bet he isn't even a plumber
14:42Who isn't even a friend or a doctor or a plumber?
14:46Wait till I get my hands on those two sneaks
14:49What two sneaks?
14:51Lucy, will you please tell me what you're talking about?
14:54I'll tell you later
14:55While we're finishing the shower
14:56Wait a minute
14:59What do you mean while we are finishing the shower?
15:02Oh, it won't be hard
15:03There's nothing much to do but hang the door and put in the faucet handles
15:06He was almost finished
15:07Who was almost finished?
15:09The friend, the doctor, the plumber, or one of the two sneaks?
15:12Go get on your working clothes and I'll tell you
15:15Now, Lucy
15:17I've helped you do a lot of things
15:19But I draw the line at plumbing
15:21Now, Viv
15:22Do you want to hear the story about the friend, the doctor, the plumber, and the two sneaks?
15:27Or don't you?
15:29Oh, the things I do to bring a little drama into my life
15:33There
15:44Now, that wasn't bad, was it?
15:46No, as a matter of fact, that was pretty simple
15:48You know, I don't know why those two sneaks didn't do this themselves
15:51Instead of throwing all that money away on that plumber
15:53Well, I don't know why they didn't do it either
15:55But I don't know why you're so mad at them for being willing to pay for it
15:58We're willing to have them do it for free
16:00Well, that's different, one's charity and one's friendship
16:03Besides, do you realize if they hadn't spent all that money on Joe, they could have spent it on us?
16:10You're right, they are a couple of sneaks
16:12Hey, you get out and turn on the water main, we'll see how this works, huh?
16:16Yes, sir
16:16Wait a minute, you better take this, I think it's going to be a little hard to turn
16:19Whoa, okay
16:20Hurry up now
16:30Tim, turn it off!
16:44Turn off the water, ma'am!
16:45Turn it off, we're leaking!
16:49Turn it off, ma'am!
16:51What are you yelling about?
16:52Turn off the water, we're leaking!
16:54See, I can't turn it off, this handle broke off when I turned it off
16:58Oh, swell
16:59Watch out the fun that they're leaking, anyhow
17:02Don't ask me
17:03Are you sure you used the right washers?
17:07Washer?
17:08Yeah, those little round things
17:10So that's what they were
17:13Oh, dear
17:14Come on in here and help me turn off this water
17:17Okay, what'll I do?
17:18Well, come on in here, get a hold of this one over here
17:20Turn it off?
17:21Yeah, but we can't turn it off
17:22Well, tighten them up, tighten them up
17:24Tighten them up
17:25Okay, that's all I've got
17:26Oh, wait a minute
17:27Oh, gee
17:29Come on, man
17:30Oh, dear
17:32Oh, dear
17:33Oh, oh
17:35Turn it around, let me
17:43Turn it around
17:44Oh, come on now
17:46Oh, gee
17:47Wait a minute
17:49Get your hands
17:50Oh, baby
17:51You're getting water all over
17:52I'm getting the water all over everything
17:54What do we do now?
17:57Find that faucet handle and get it on
17:59Oh, okay
18:00Oh, oh
18:03Oh, oh
18:05Oh, look
18:06Oh, yeah
18:07I found it
18:07Well, don't stand there like a Statue of Liberty
18:09Get it on
18:10Oh, yeah
18:10Come on now
18:14I can't get it on Lucy
18:16There's too much pressure
18:17Oh, you're not
18:19I'm going to the right way
18:20Oh, I'm not
18:21Oh, yeah
18:22Oh, oh
18:27Oh, oh
18:28What's the matter?
18:29What's the trouble?
18:30Your life is too much pressure
18:32Oh, dear
18:33What do we do now?
18:34Don't ask me
18:35I'm no bummer
18:36This water's getting awful high
18:43You must be standing on the plug, Lucy
18:45I'm not standing on it
18:47You must be stuffed up
18:49Well, let's stop it
18:50Come on now
18:52Look at the water
18:53Put your hand over that a minute
18:55Are you going to un-stuff it?
18:56Oh
18:57It's got a metal thing over the top of it
19:07We'll take it off
19:08It's screwed on
19:09It's screwed on
19:10Call the plumber
19:11Call the plumber
19:14Lucy
19:14Oh, all right
19:16Come on
19:17Get out and call the plumber
19:18What's the matter?
19:20What's the trouble?
19:21The door won't open
19:22Why not?
19:23I guess there's too much water in here
19:25Oh
19:25Here, help me
19:26I'll help you
19:27Come on
19:28Oh, Lucy
19:31Oh, dear
19:33You know, that's the first time
19:34I ever saw a shower door
19:35And it opens in
19:36What dumb bunny ever
19:38Oh, dear
19:41You'll put this door out backwards
19:43Oh, I'm sorry
19:44I'm sorry
19:45Dad
19:45I guess I just have to watch you every minute
19:47Blue cats are too busy
19:50For getting to put washers on faucets
19:52You know, that wouldn't matter
19:54If you haven't been so clumsy
19:56And done something
19:57And done something to that water main
19:58Well, I wouldn't have broken the water main
20:00If you hadn't been too cheap
20:01To hire a plumber
20:02To come in here
20:03And finish this shower
20:04All right
20:05Well, no sense of lady
20:06We've got to get some help
20:07Where?
20:09Well, maybe somebody
20:10Will come by the house
20:11And save us
20:11Who, some door-to-door frog man?
20:18Start treading
20:20Start treading
20:21Oh, oh
20:29Hey
20:34Oh, Lucy
20:35Lucy
20:35Oh, you know what?
20:37I just now thought of something
20:39What?
20:40Did you pay this much water bill?
20:42Sure I did
20:42That was a dumb thing to do
20:45How did I know this was going to happen?
20:50Oh, well
20:51No
20:52I didn't know more of a story
20:56You know what we're going to have to do?
20:57What?
20:58We're going to have to kick this door in
20:59We're going to have to break the glass
21:00Oh, that's a good idea
21:01Okay
21:02Go ahead
21:03Kick it
21:04Oh, no
21:06You don't
21:07That's too dangerous
21:08Not that I'm afraid of cutting myself
21:11But the blood might draw sharks
21:13Viv, huh?
21:22Do you think we could squeeze out through the top?
21:25We might
21:26We might not have to
21:27In a few minutes
21:27We'll be able to float out
21:28Oh, Lucy
21:33Hey
21:34Hey
21:35Girl
21:36What?
21:37Didn't you say that that cover was held on by screws?
21:39Yeah
21:40Well, we're going to have to unscrew it
21:42We're going to have to unscrew it?
21:44Yeah
21:44We can't
21:45We haven't got a screwdriver
21:46I have
21:47You have?
21:49Yeah
21:49Well, now you tell me
21:51Oh, boy
21:57You know, you think that the people who designed this thing
22:01Would prepare for an emergency exit
22:03I doubt it that an emergency like this crops up very often
22:09Are you going to go down there and get it out, Lucy?
22:14Yes
22:14Come on, you'll get all shreveled if you don't
22:16Shreveled?
22:17Yeah
22:17I don't know about you, but I'm not pre-shrunk
22:20Get the top off
22:22Get the top off
22:23Okay
22:24Are you going?
22:25Yeah
22:25Okay
22:25Here you go
22:26Hang on to me
22:27Hang on to me
22:28Hang on to me
22:29That's it
22:30Go
22:30Rip me
22:32Go
22:33Oh, Lucy, you're great
22:38You're great
22:39Oh, oh
22:39Oh, boy
22:43Where's Lloyd Bridges when you need him?
22:47Come on
22:48Get the cover
22:50Yeah
22:51Get the cover
22:51Ready?
22:52Go
22:52Hang on, Lucy
22:54Hang on
22:55There you go
22:56Are you getting it, Lucy?
22:59Oh, Lucy
23:00We're safe
23:01We're safe
23:02Yeah
23:03Want a cup of coffee, Viv?
23:11In a minute
23:12Lucy, what kind of a house is this?
23:18An hour ago, we were awash
23:20Now I want a drink of water
23:21And I've tried every faucet in the place
23:23Well, I forgot to tell you
23:25The plumber had to turn the water off
23:26While he's fixing the broken handle
23:28On the water main
23:29Oh, swell
23:30How can you even talk about a drink of water
23:35After all we swallowed in that shower?
23:38Well, I can't help it
23:39Apparently drinking water makes me thirsty
23:43I'm so sick of that shower
23:45I may never wash again
23:46I only have to learn to lick my paws like a cat
23:50What plumber did you get, Paisley?
23:53No, Joe
23:54Joe!
23:56How did you ever get him to come back after all he said?
23:59It took all my diplomacy, all my tact, and all my spending money for the next six months
24:04I'd feel sorry for you if I weren't so waterlogged
24:07I guess I shouldn't complain
24:10You know, all that water could have seeped through the plaster
24:13And I would really have had some expense
24:15So actually, I came out ahead
24:17Lucy, I want to tell you something
24:20This is absolutely the last time I slip into my coveralls
24:24To be an apprentice on one of your dreadful little projects
24:27Bob, now these are things we're going to look back on and laugh at one day
24:31When we're old and gray
24:33And from the way things are going, that may be next week
24:36I bet we're going to have to plaster the whole ceiling
24:44Wait, Lucy, absolutely not
24:47No
24:47Now, Viv, listen
24:49You have never learned how to plaster
24:51And it's all you need to round you out
24:54And you'll be a perfect Mrs. Fix-It
24:56Thank you
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