- hace 6 meses
Indians threaten to start a war if they don't get all of their land back. Smart is assigned to go into their camp and foil their plan. Will Max and 99 save the United States from Native Americans? (Title changed to "Washington 4, Indians 3" for DVD release; "Redskins" was a common sports team name in the 1960s but is now considered racist.) The title is a parody of a sporting event's score and based on the American football team the Washington Redskins.
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00:00What's the matter with you guys? Nuts or something?
00:15Can't you motion picture people stay on your own sets?
00:18This is a public highway.
00:21What can I do for you?
00:23Everybody line up.
00:24One of you is a secret agent of control.
00:31That is man we want.
00:33All others we will kill.
00:36Will control agent take one step forward?
00:42That is man we want. Take him.
00:49Control agent would not reveal identity even on threat of death.
00:52Everybody else back in bus.
00:58We have a message for you to take to your leaders.
01:08You couldn't have just handed it to me?
01:11You will take it to your government at once.
01:20What's it say?
01:21Top secret.
01:22How far do we telephone?
01:24Two, maybe three hours.
01:25Okay, let's go.
01:31This is agent 43.
01:33I'm in Arizona.
01:35My tri-state bus was just attacked by a band of Indians.
01:40Your bus was attacked by Indians?
01:42Yes, Indians.
01:44Are you sure? What do they look like?
01:46Uh, they wore feathers, wore paint, and carried bows and arrows.
01:50Yes, those were Indians.
01:52Indian uprising in the 20th century?
01:54It's true.
01:55I was just starting my three-week vacation when my bus was attacked by four Indians on horseback.
02:01I can't believe it.
02:03I just can't believe it.
02:05You can't believe what?
02:07You got a three-weeks vacation?
02:09They gave me this message.
02:12Inform your government that they have 48 hours to turn over all lands appropriated from our people.
02:18Otherwise, war.
02:20War?
02:21That's what it says.
02:23Hang on, 43.
02:33This is a maximum alert.
02:35Repeat.
02:35This is a maximum alert.
02:40Forsythe, wake up the chief and tell him it's an emergency.
02:44Harrison, call the Pentagon and alert the chiefs of staff.
02:47Saunders, cancel all military leaves and hold interstate commerce.
02:51And, oh, Saunders, just between you and me, how many weeks vacation did you get last year?
02:59Three.
02:59Three.
03:21Three.
03:22Five.
03:36Drew.
03:37Three.
03:38Four.
03:42Two.
03:43Four.
03:44Four.
03:45Four.
03:49What is it, 86?
04:03A maximum mobilization alert, Chief.
04:04Threat of war by a known aggressor.
04:06War?
04:07Good heavens, is it the Chinese?
04:10The Russians?
04:11Well, then who?
04:12The Indians.
04:13Indians, but India is a neutralist nation.
04:16No, not those Indians, Chief.
04:17The American Indians.
04:19The American Indians?
04:20La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:22Those Indians?
04:23Yes, sir.
04:24Four of them, they attacked a bus.
04:27Max, you don't mean...
04:29You couldn't.
04:30You wouldn't call a...
04:32Say you didn't, Max.
04:35You did.
04:37Max, do you realize what you've done on the strength of a minor incident?
04:40You woke up the three highest-ranking officers in the U.S. military.
04:43You got hundreds of planes flying in the air.
04:45You've canceled thousands of leaves.
04:47That's what you've done, Max.
04:50Just what are you getting at, Chief?
04:52I can't believe that you would summon the Chiefs of Staff at this awful hour simply because
04:58three Indians attacked a bus.
05:01Four, Chief.
05:02Do you realize what time it is?
05:04It's three in the morning.
05:06Four, Chief.
05:07What's this all about?
05:10Nobody told me that.
05:11I'm sorry about this, gentlemen.
05:13My troops are at maximum work.
05:1460% of my bombers are already in the air.
05:16I've recalled the 3rd and 7th Fleets.
05:18Well, it's really nothing.
05:20Nothing!
05:22You tell them, 86.
05:24Uh, very well, gentlemen.
05:25First of all, just a minute.
05:28Someone seems to be missing.
05:30Where is the Marine Corps Commandant?
05:31He's on vacation for three weeks.
05:34Three weeks?
05:35Get on with it, 86.
05:39Right, Chief.
05:41We have received an ultimatum demanding the surrender of the United States within 48 hours
05:45or a state of war will exist.
05:47What?
05:48Or an ultimatum from whom?
05:49The Indians.
05:50But India is a neutralist nation.
05:53Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
05:55Most Indians?
05:56I can't believe any little Indian band is going to defeat the United States Army.
06:03I agree with you, General Custer.
06:07Doesn't prove a great military threat, but one dissident group could trigger more widespread insurrections, Chief.
06:14Custer is a good man, but I think for this emergency, perhaps he should be relieved of his command.
06:22Might make the public feel insecure, him still running the show.
06:29Just what Indians are these?
06:31Apparently, General, it's a dissident group called the Red Feathers on a remote reservation in Arizona.
06:37Give me two squadrons of bombers.
06:392,000-pound bombs.
06:41Round-the-clock saturation bombing of Arizona.
06:44Fred, you can't bomb Arizona.
06:47What are you talking about?
06:48My bombers can hit any place on the face of this globe.
06:52But Arizona is part of the United States.
06:56A little low-level strafing, perhaps.
07:01Sorry, Fred.
07:04Exactly what do these Indians want?
07:06They demand the return of all the territory we took from them.
07:09Well, give it to them.
07:11But, Harry, it's all theirs.
07:13The whole country.
07:15Everything?
07:16Everything.
07:16Well, now, wait a minute.
07:17Wait a minute.
07:18Now, maybe we can make a deal.
07:19They might be able to accept less.
07:23Say, uh, New Jersey?
07:26Would you?
07:29What plans do you people have against Indian attack?
07:33Well, go ahead, Max.
07:36Thank you, Chief.
07:37Gentlemen, please, be seated.
07:39Well, all right.
07:41Now, I've done a little research on this subject, and I happen to have here a detailed military manual that sums everything up very nicely.
07:52Indian attack.
07:54An Indian attack is a group of Indians attacking.
07:57As in the sentence, Indians are attacking the town.
08:04What about strategy?
08:06Strategy.
08:06Yes, sir.
08:07I think you'll find this very interesting, gentlemen.
08:10If attacked by Indians in open country, military or civilian personnel should form their wagons in a circle.
08:17What we need is a realistic appraisal of their strength.
08:22What we need is one good intelligence agent to infiltrate, find out exactly what they're up to.
08:29You know, I think we've got the man right here.
08:32He's obviously researched the Indians thoroughly and knows what he's talking about.
08:37How about it, Chief?
08:39All right, Max.
08:40It's your baby.
08:41I want you on your way to Arizona at once.
08:43Right, Chief.
08:43Arizona.
08:44I'll be on that reservation in Arizona.
08:47Arizona?
08:48Mm-hmm.
08:49Is the saturation bombing definitely off, Chief?
09:00This is Control.
09:02Yes, sir.
09:04Oh, no, sir.
09:05It's just a little trouble with some Indians.
09:07Uh, no, sir.
09:09Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
09:10Well, we have the option of either attacking in force or gathering more intelligence.
09:16You can go back to sleep.
09:19You can't?
09:20Well, sir, have you tried a cup of hot chocolate?
09:24Or if that doesn't work, try a glass of warm milk.
09:28Yes, sir.
09:29Just a minute.
09:31He wants your appraisal.
09:33I think we should acquire more intelligence.
09:34No, he means hot chocolate or warm milk.
09:38Well, I know.
09:39Oh, no, no, no.
09:4643?
09:4786.
09:4899, 43.
09:5043?
09:5099.
09:51Careful!
09:52They're from Renohorse.
09:53Do you have a plan, 86?
09:55Yes, my first plan is to get my foot out of this stuff.
09:59Do you have any other plan?
10:01Shh.
10:02Shh.
10:04Okay, I don't think anybody can hear us now.
10:10I've got to get on that reservation, get inside and find out what's going on.
10:14Have you learned anything new, 43?
10:16The Red Feathers are arming to fight.
10:18They've summoned the leaders of other tribes.
10:20They're concealing a powerful weapon in their main tent.
10:23I've got to get inside that tent, take some pictures with my micro-camera and get out.
10:28Those fellows are armed.
10:29How are you going to get through their lines in broad daylight?
10:32Well, I'm not sure, 43.
10:33I'd better check my equipment.
10:40Beads.
10:4324 dollars in cash.
10:45You'd think they would have wised up by now.
10:50Well, at least they gave me my electric snake.
10:52An electric snake?
10:53Yes.
10:55Very, very good for creating a diversion.
10:57Well, what does it run on?
10:58Tiny little feet.
10:59Well, where does it get its power?
11:01Transistors.
11:02What about communications?
11:03Oh, we have tiny little miniature radio receivers that can be hidden anywhere.
11:07Oh, and this is a saddle transmitter.
11:11What else have you got there, 99?
11:13Oh, this.
11:17What's that?
11:18It's a book on Indian lore.
11:20Here, you better take this 99 and see if you can learn anything.
11:23Right.
11:24Now, let's see.
11:26Exactly where is that Indian reservation?
11:29Right over there, about two miles.
11:34Indian drums.
11:36Can you tell what they're saying, Max?
11:38I'm not sure, but whoever it is, he's got a great left hand.
11:44Oh, I wish we knew what was going on in there.
11:57Let the drums be silent.
12:03Bud, why have you gathered us here?
12:05I have issued an ultimatum.
12:08If it is not answered within 48 hours, a state of war will exist.
12:13War?
12:14Is it the Chinese?
12:15No.
12:16The Russians?
12:17No.
12:18Who then?
12:22The United States.
12:25The United States is a neutralist nation.
12:28They have taken our land.
12:29They must give it back.
12:31Red Cloud, this is bad medicine.
12:33The United States has three million soldiers.
12:36We have but 200 braves.
12:42We must depend heavily on the element of surprise.
12:47Now, our one big advantage is that nobody knows we're here.
12:53Cancel one advantage.
12:54Don't worry.
12:58I know how to handle Indians.
13:00How?
13:02Get off your horse.
13:03You, come over here.
13:06Hurry.
13:09You are trespassing on Indian territory.
13:11For that, you must pay.
13:13Red Cloud will decide the penalty.
13:14Are you one of Red Cloud's men?
13:16No.
13:17I am from another tribe.
13:18But I am on my way to the Red Feathers camp to take part in a ceremony.
13:2299?
13:22He must be going to the War Council.
13:24We can't let him go or he'll give us away.
13:26Come.
13:26We go to Red Cloud.
13:27Stand back, 99.
13:28Don't make any moves you'll be sorry for, my friend.
13:31You see, I happen to be grease lightning with these.
13:37And I'm also pretty fast with these, too.
13:40Come.
13:40We go to Red Cloud.
13:41Max, what about Plan 26E?
13:4426E.
13:45Perfect.
13:4799, what is Plan 26E?
13:49Yes, what is Plan 26E?
13:52Uh, why don't you show them, 99?
13:54Oh, all right, 86.
13:57It's this!
14:00Quit thinking, 86!
14:03Yes, I've always loved Plan 26E.
14:05So have I.
14:06Not me.
14:08Now, here's my Plan 43.
14:10I'm going to change clothes with this Indian.
14:12That will give me a cover to get onto the reservation.
14:14An excellent plan.
14:16Now, if one of you will help me get his clothes off, the other can turn their back.
14:2499.
14:25I think it'll work a lot better the other way around.
14:27Come in, 99.
14:39Can you hear me?
14:40Perfectly.
14:41Max, please don't take any unnecessary chances.
14:44I won't.
14:44I think this headgear will get me through the Indian lines.
14:48Once inside, all I want to do is stay in the background and remain inconspicuous.
14:52Oh, I hope Agent 43 is watching that Indian carefully.
14:55Don't worry, 99.
14:5743 is a good man.
14:58You're worth two 43's, 86.
15:08Come on.
15:12You must let me go.
15:14Relax.
15:14You aren't going to any war council tonight.
15:17War council?
15:17I'm betrothed to Red Cloud's daughter.
15:19I go to my wedding.
15:29Ah, the Tapawasi.
15:31Ah, the Tapawasi.
15:33Ah, yes.
15:34The Tapawasi.
15:36Where?
15:36You, Tapawasi.
15:38Oh, yes.
15:39Of course.
15:40I am the Tapawasi.
15:42Fine Tapawasi.
15:43Quick, look up Tapawasi.
15:47Tapawasi, um, betrothed.
15:49Look up betrothed.
15:53Ah, my future son-in-law.
15:57I come many moons over high mountains through...
16:00Son-in-law?
16:01I offer you my sincere felicitations.
16:05Uh, I've had a long, dusty, uh, trip.
16:07I think I'll just go out and clean up.
16:10Dad?
16:11One moment.
16:12Running Creek.
16:13My daughter, White Cloud, has been awaiting you.
16:16I am sure there is much to talk about.
16:23Hello, Running Creek.
16:25Uh, I come many moons over great mountains through deep rivers to see White Cloud.
16:30I join my father in extending a most gracious welcome to you.
16:34Uh, thank you, White Cloud.
16:35I wonder, could you direct me to the main tent?
16:37Running Creek, where have you been these many years?
16:40Uh, well, I've been visiting the great cities of the east.
16:43Uh, tell me, White Cloud, what are all the preparations going on in camp?
16:46Oh, my father's bent on conquest.
16:48He wants to overthrow the United States.
16:50He has a, uh, secret weapon in the war tent.
16:51Yes, well, your father would be making a big mistake to go to war with the United States.
16:55Many people could get hurt.
16:57What can I do about it?
16:58Yes, well, I don't know.
16:59Oh, my God, but maybe you could take me to the big tent and I could talk them out of using the secret weapon.
17:03I've been separated all these years and all you can do is talk to me about war and secret weapons?
17:07Yes, well, that's the way it goes somehow.
17:08What kind of a Topawasi are you?
17:10What kind?
17:10Well, I've asked myself that question many times.
17:13Uh, I suppose I'm just an average Topawasi.
17:16The signs of Indian affection a Topawasi should show his beloved.
17:21Yes, well, perhaps later, White Cloud.
17:22No, no.
17:23If you want my help, the least you can do is be nice to me.
17:26Speak to me in the language of the Topawasi or I'll scream.
17:29Shh.
17:29Don't scream.
17:31I'll be glad to talk to you in the language of the Topawasi.
17:36The Topawasi used descriptive language to compare his squaw with the beauties of nature.
17:41Uh, lovelier than a golden sunset, are you?
17:45The Indian lover shows his regard for his squaw by, um, taking her hand,
17:53stroking her hair,
17:55and kissing her on the...
17:59Elbow.
18:03Elbow?
18:05Elbow.
18:12Running Creek!
18:13Your years spent in the great cities of the East have turned you into a real weirdo.
18:19Uh, White Cloud, I brought something for you.
18:22What is it?
18:22Well, uh, close your mouth and open your eyes and the Topawasi will give you a big surprise.
18:30Don't trick, White Cloud, but it's very effective.
18:32As a matter of fact, they pulled it on me just last week.
18:34Sorry about that, White Cloud.
18:43Where are you going?
18:49What is that?
18:50If I didn't know better, I would say it was an electric snake.
18:5499, I'm in the war tent.
19:10The Indians have rigged up some sort of, uh, missile system here.
19:13Uh, I'm going to take some pictures.
19:2199, someone's coming.
19:22I think it's the war council.
19:23I've got to get out of here.
19:24This is war tent.
19:37What are you guys doing?
19:38Don't touch that.
19:39Electronics.
19:40Don't touch.
19:41Oh, be sure.
19:43This is nothing.
19:44Gentlemen.
19:46Chiefs.
19:47Be seated.
19:47I welcome all tribes to Council of War.
19:55Project Red Feathers is ready to strike.
19:58I have but to press a button.
20:00And that projector will go straight to America's heart.
20:03Wait.
20:05Shouldn't we talk this over?
20:06No.
20:08The time for talk has passed.
20:10Will it be war or peace?
20:13War.
20:15Chiefs.
20:16Cast your vote.
20:17War or peace.
20:24War or peace.
20:29Cast.
20:34Cast your vote.
20:39Two for war and two for peace.
20:43I shall throw the deciding vote.
20:47Ouch.
20:55Hi, Dad.
20:56Alice, I'm not the honeymoon.
20:58I think we're...
20:58Silence!
20:59And you, my future son-in-law, how could you do such a thing to...
21:03Seize him!
21:05Wait, Father.
21:06What are you doing?
21:08This man is an imposter.
21:10We are going to kill him.
21:11Oh, I know he's an imposter.
21:13But he's cute and I want him.
21:16Look at that.
21:17Oh, so what if he's vain?
21:18A little makeup doesn't mean anything.
21:21He is not even your top of washi.
21:24You're right.
21:25I'm Maxwell Smart, secret agent 86.
21:27Torture him.
21:28Kill him.
21:29I'm also a liar.
21:32Couldn't I have him for a little while?
21:35Yeah, Dad.
21:35A half hour isn't going to hurt anybody.
21:38After we're through with him.
21:40Couldn't you work it the other way around?
21:43Please, Father.
21:44Well, maybe for 15 minutes.
21:52Then we torture him later.
21:56Now we go to my teepee.
21:58Good.
21:58Does your father have a watch?
22:01Take him up!
22:03Now she shows up.
22:05Can't you come back in 15 minutes?
22:08Max, you don't have to have your hands up.
22:10All of you!
22:11Get away from him!
22:13You!
22:14Get furthest away.
22:18Max, look!
22:20I will not be denied my vengeance on the United States.
22:24Wait a minute, Red Cloud.
22:25I have something to tell you.
22:26I'm sure if you listen to what I have to say,
22:28you'll change your mind about pressing that button.
22:30Speak quickly.
22:31Now listen, Red Cloud.
22:32We've always had great respect for the noble red man.
22:35Let's think of the past.
22:36Remember when you roamed these great plains with your buffalo?
22:39And then came our settlers.
22:40And then our soldiers.
22:44Uh, maybe we better forget about the past.
22:47The present.
22:47That's what counts as the present.
22:49Let's look at the present.
22:50Look what we've given you in the present.
22:51These nice, tiny little reservations.
22:54Uh, let's talk about the future, Red Cloud.
22:57Now, if we take the promises of the past
23:00and join them with the policies of the present,
23:02then there's only one thing left to say.
23:08Let her rip, Red Cloud.
23:09That's the second biggest arrow I've ever seen.
23:26It may interest you to know that Red Cloud's enormous arrow
23:38is now on display in the west wing of the White House.
23:41No kidding, Chief.
23:42Where did it land?
23:43In the west wing of the White House.
23:46I have a surprise for you.
23:47The newly appointed Undersecretary of the Interior
23:50for Indian Affairs is here to present you with an award.
23:55I travel over high mountains,
23:58across wide rivers to bring you metal from my people.
24:01Red Cloud!
24:03Tapawasi, Mr. Red Cloud.
24:07Now, about my daughter.
24:09Uh, gee, Dad, I love her hat,
24:12but whatever happened to the one with the horns?
24:14Yeah.
24:42I'm her.
24:48I love her hat,
24:50I love her hat.
24:51I love her hat,
24:54I love her hat,
24:56I love her hat,
24:58but whatever happened to the one with the horns?
24:59I love her hat twice,
25:00but, yeah,
25:02I love her that she's able to make the Probably
25:04play in the One.
25:05See you next time?
25:05Yeah.
25:06Mask.
25:07Baby one armor
25:08Knee in the ici.
25:10See you next time?
25:11Can you last time?
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