- 7 months ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01Come on. It's obvious.
00:05No? Big Dave Bowers lent it to me.
00:09Something borrowed. Something blew.
00:12I'm getting married!
00:14Get the fuck off the bus!
00:16You what? To whom? When?
00:18This weekend, Jay from the Heath. I've got your invites.
00:21This weekend?
00:22And to a Heath man? Really?
00:24The last time I went there, I thought I saw a man eating a fox.
00:27Turned out they were kissing.
00:28Let's start taking the Mickey out of the Heath. It's not like it was when I was a kid.
00:31It's a pagan backwater with idiotic customs.
00:34Hang on a minute! I'm not married!
00:37I wondered when this would become about you.
00:39Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm not having it. I'm not having you two be married and me not. No, it's off.
00:43This is good. You should use it in your best man speech.
00:46Brian doesn't have a best man.
00:47On the Heath, they do. The groom has a wedding pony.
00:49For goodness sake, Joe, do you even love him?
00:52I love that he asked me. He hasn't ever asked me to get married before.
00:56I mean, this is petrifying.
00:59Emma's coming.
01:01What are you saying? I do a brilliant best man speech. It's both hilarious and moving.
01:07Emma forgives all of the balls up for the past few months and agrees to have my baby.
01:10Soon the kid replaces me and her affections and I'm left going down the pub on my own to play darts.
01:15With a guy called Fat Monkey. God, it's bleak.
01:19But it's better than what I've got. I'll do it.
01:22Sorry, who the hell is this man? Is he solvent? Does he have a job?
01:26He's JC. Yes, he's a digger driver, but it's only temporary until his rap career takes off.
01:31You've lost your mind.
01:32Hope you're going to be more positive at my wedding, Brian. I don't want a grumpy head usher.
01:37Me? No way. A wedding needs months of planning. It needs schedules. There's protocol, traditions.
01:47Oh, great. My pulse is racing. Have you got any idea how long it's taken me to get my cholesterol below 5.1?
01:54Ah! The chief bridesmaid.
01:57Bloody hell. Do I have to do that bit in the speech where I say how nice they look?
02:00Suck my dick!
02:03We are invited, look!
02:31All right. I'll cut to the chase. Emma's going to be there,
02:34and I forbid you to talk to her. Why?
02:37Well, I mean, Alistair from Maths' parents are probably charming
02:41ex-lawyers with a lovely home, but I love you, Mum, but you're boring.
02:45Who's Alistair?
02:47Daniel's love rival.
02:49He thinks we're going to embarrass him in front of Emma.
02:53Poppycock!
02:55I've found the perfect outfit.
02:57It'll be great to feel the air around my kite at a booze up again.
03:01Tell me you're wearing underwear.
03:03I am of Scottish heritage, Daniel, and proud.
03:07Oh! I'm blind! She's blinded me!
03:14Thanks. Bye-bye.
03:16Well, it's not that weird.
03:18Proceedings are started by the chief bridesmaid Nostraling Aponi.
03:22Yes, that's what I asked you to ring about. What is Nostraling?
03:25She didn't say.
03:26Look, mate, you're just going to have to accept that they do things a bit differently on the Heath.
03:29It's not a bit different. It's a remake of The Wicker Man.
03:32Damn, we have to put a stop to this.
03:34Listen to the band they're making me hire.
03:36Your sister's dead, your sister's dead, your sister's dead.
03:40She drowned on my bread.
03:41She ain't coming back, she's remaining very dead.
03:46They're called Eight Sausage Sunday.
03:48We've got to call it off, even if you do want to impress Emma with your bloody speech.
03:51I'm actually offended by that, Brian. I'm here for Joe.
03:55Right. I'm going to open by saying, ladies and gentlemen,
04:00some things are just meant to be.
04:03Then I'm going to glance knowingly over Emma.
04:06And then I'm going to do that meaningful head nod that Robbie Williams does when he sings ballads.
04:10Like...
04:21Hello?
04:22Oh, you're here!
04:23I haven't seen you since I was about 15.
04:26Brian, you remember Joe's mum.
04:28Sandra's not my mum. She runs a hotel.
04:31Wonderful.
04:32Do you have a printer?
04:33I do indeed.
04:34Oh, thank goodness.
04:35A few very last-minute jobs.
04:37Dad, I'm so excited.
04:39Apparently you get a certificate for being married.
04:41You're going to look pretty sweet next to my NVQ.
04:43OK, listen.
04:44Let's take it as read that your excitement about this wedding
04:46is based on a flawed and petrifying logic.
04:48I have some questions.
04:50Is there a mic I can use for my speech?
04:52Yes, but Jay is very possessive about it.
04:55It's his rat mic and...
04:56Shh!
04:57Where is he?
04:58He's gone to mum's to borrow some wedding shoes.
05:00She's still got all the gear from when her and dad got married.
05:02Trying to save a bit of money.
05:03At least until his record contract comes through.
05:05Oh.
05:06There'll be no record contract.
05:08But you'll find that out in your own sweet time.
05:10Now, I need some personal touches to make me sound sincere during the speech.
05:14So, what's the thing you most have in common?
05:17We both love chomps.
05:18Chomps?
05:19Chomps, you know, the chocolate bar.
05:20Right.
05:21I need something a little more substantial than chomps.
05:23So, something romantic?
05:25Got it.
05:26Today, we both coincidentally bought each other the exact same present.
05:31It was a chomp, wasn't it?
05:33I need insight, not chomps.
05:35Why are you marrying him?
05:36Well...
05:37I forbid you to use the word chomp.
05:38Look, Dan.
05:39Marriage is an adventure.
05:40You should get married.
05:41Look at my mum and dad.
05:42A lifetime of happiness.
05:44Your dad left when you were seven and no-one's seen him since.
05:47Oh, yeah.
05:48Still good, though.
05:50Jay's here.
05:51Jay, this is Dan.
05:52I do, man.
05:53I'm...
05:54How best do you, chap?
05:57Well, I've no idea what that means, but I am enjoying your wedding shoes.
06:00Huh.
06:01I'm a pinch a bit, but they'll do the job.
06:03They look wicked.
06:04You two are very well suited, aren't you?
06:06Jay, have you got a mic I can use?
06:09You don't touch that mic.
06:11You don't touch it!
06:13He's so passionate about his rap.
06:17Don't worry.
06:18I'll talk him round.
06:23Was that her bloke?
06:24They're not supposed to see each other the day before the wedding.
06:27It's madness here.
06:28There's no protocol.
06:29That woman informed me they're getting married in a barn,
06:31warned me there's some strange creature roaming the heath,
06:34and then set about printing off my orders of service.
06:37Yes.
06:38That's what you wanted, isn't it?
06:39Depends on your definition of printing.
06:41Look, just relax.
06:50Joe's happy, and who knows?
06:52Maybe I'll get to nail Emma.
06:54Oh.
06:55You remind me of one of the great poets.
06:57Yeah?
06:58You remind me of him.
06:59And remember, the winner gets to sleep with Tony.
07:10Oh, Joe!
07:12Congratulations.
07:14And this must be your mum.
07:16Eh?
07:17She's not my mum.
07:18Mum's having an early night, ready for the big day.
07:20Do you want to see my ring?
07:22Oh, it's lovely.
07:25You're not going to believe this, Emma.
07:27He made it.
07:28That is just a pebble and some string.
07:31Getting married is wicked.
07:33Question one.
07:35What does the beast of the heath do to trick people?
07:45You'd better come and see this.
07:47Your aunt has decided the men's room is more fun
07:49and is currently beating the shit out of a local man called Weasel.
07:52It's her local heath tradition, naturally.
07:54I'm going anywhere.
07:55I'm keeping an eye on Moth Face.
07:56Aha!
07:57There you are.
07:58You're up now, Dan.
07:59Big final.
08:00I'm all right, thanks, Jay.
08:02It's only a game of hot pie.
08:03Come on.
08:04Hot pie.
08:05Hot pie.
08:06Hot pie.
08:07Yay!
08:08Him scared, look.
08:11Oh, I'm not scared.
08:12I'm baffled.
08:13He is.
08:14He's shaking like a shittin' dog.
08:15Look.
08:16Hey, make a rap of about it, Jay.
08:17Him scared like a sparrow.
08:19Him scared like a sparrow.
08:20Him fat like a marrow.
08:21Sitting in a barrow.
08:22Boom!
08:23Yay!
08:24Okay, everyone.
08:25You carry on.
08:26I'm out.
08:27See you later.
08:28Oh, come on, Daniel.
08:29Pull yourself together.
08:30If you want to impress this Emma girl, you're going to have to start acting like a man.
08:34Yay!
08:35Yay!
08:36I mean, why did that get a cheer?
08:39Yay!
08:40Apple pie buffet.
08:41Come up.
08:42Guys, I don't want to come across as old-fashioned, but why don't we go and get a nice steak dinner, toast the groom and get an early night?
08:49Why are you both trying to ruin the boys' night?
08:51Boo!
08:52All right.
08:53You want me to push a pie into my own face, do you, you fucking bread munchers?
08:57Fine.
08:58I can do that.
08:59So...
09:00Oh!
09:01Oh!
09:02Fuck the birds!
09:03He's got the hot jam!
09:04Yeah!
09:05Yeah!
09:06Yeah!
09:07Yeah!
09:08Yeah!
09:09Yeah!
09:10Yeah!
09:11Look at your face.
09:13Why did you have to take part in these ridiculous rituals?
09:16I know.
09:17What am I going to think?
09:19About to rewrite the top of my speech.
09:21Hi, everyone.
09:23Who's your favourite footballer?
09:24Mine's Frank Jampard.
09:27You're supposed to be giving me confidence.
09:29Be quiet.
09:30Here comes Joe.
09:31Bloody hell.
09:32You are getting married.
09:34Yeah, of course.
09:35You look all right.
09:37Thanks.
09:38You look lovely.
09:39You are going to change out of those wellies though, right?
09:42No.
09:43Mum only had one pair of shoes and jay-bagged them.
09:46God!
09:53You opened by saying how nice the bridesmaids look.
09:56Did you see Shakira?
09:57She looks like Ric Flair from WrestleMania.
09:59Then you lie.
10:00Then you read out messages from those who can't attend.
10:02Yes.
10:03Haven't they got one?
10:04It's from Joe's Uncle Samuel.
10:05Sorry I can't be there.
10:06The ram killed Stephen.
10:07No mention of who Stephen is.
10:09I thought Sam was giving you away.
10:11That's not Heath tradition.
10:12Well, who is then?
10:13It'd only make you mad.
10:14Just tell me.
10:15This guy.
10:16Oh.
10:17Okay, this is a hidden camera show, isn't it?
10:21What the hell's going on here?
10:24What are you doing?
10:25Doing a roadblock.
10:26Spreading terror.
10:27You don't look like terrorists.
10:28Well, we are.
10:29So you better meet our demands.
10:31What's going on?
10:32As far as I can work out, there's three bellends with paper bags on their heads attempting to hold us up.
10:37I heard that.
10:38You want to be careful calling us names.
10:39We might do the old fatwa.
10:40Doing the old fatwa.
10:41Look.
10:42We're late for a wedding.
10:43I've got a very important speech to do, so...
10:44What's that burn on your face?
10:45Never mind what the burn on my face is.
10:46Never mind what the burn on my face is.
10:47Don't you lose it?
10:48Oh.
10:49Oh.
10:50Oh.
10:51None of your business!
10:52Fuck off out of the way.
10:53Damn.
10:54You don't tell the IRA to fuck off.
10:55Okay, that's it.
10:56I was being polite, but if you're going to mix up your paramilitary organisations, I'm stepping in.
10:58The IRA ceased operations after the peace agreement, and they stopped the war.
11:01And they stopped the war.
11:02You want to be careful calling us names?
11:03You want to be careful calling us names.
11:04We might do the old fatwa.
11:05Doing the old fatwa.
11:06Doing the old fatwa.
11:07Look.
11:08We're late for a wedding.
11:09I've got a very important speech to do, so...
11:10What's that burn on your face?
11:11Never mind what the burn on my face is.
11:12Did you lose it, hot pie?
11:14None of your business!
11:15Fuck off out of the way!
11:17Damn.
11:18The IRA ceased operations after the peace agreement, and they certainly didn't do fatwa's.
11:23We might be the Taliban, or we may be the PTA.
11:28What's that?
11:29It's the Parents Teachers Association.
11:31I mean, they're arseholes, but they've never resorted to sectarian violence.
11:34These are our demands!
11:36One!
11:37We want 25 pounds!
11:39Two!
11:40We want a nice watch!
11:42What's going on?
11:43The mouse is getting nervous!
11:45Three!
11:46We want a mouse!
11:47We don't want a mouse!
11:48I know that voice.
11:49Charlie Burrows?
11:50What are you playing at?
11:51You're too old for playing roadblock!
11:53It's a game the kids play around here for pocket money.
11:56It's sweet, really.
11:57It's deranged.
11:58Look!
11:59We haven't got 25 pounds, but I can...
12:02I can give you six pounds!
12:04What about a nice watch?
12:05You're not having my watch!
12:06We'll have those wellies, six pounds, and we'll consider lifting the roadblock!
12:11And a mouse!
12:12The mouse has given her away!
12:14These are my wedding shoes!
12:17Just give them the wellies.
12:18Let's get on with it.
12:19We're not negotiating with these people.
12:21Get back in the car.
12:22I'll reroute the sat-nav.
12:23Good luck with that!
12:25No!
12:26No, not the scenic!
12:27No!
12:28No!
12:29No!
12:30Not again!
12:31Ah!
12:32Straight away, when I go in, I'll say, all the salad.
12:38And Carlos will look straight back at me, and he'll say, all the salad?
12:42As if I haven't asked.
12:43I've already made it clear I want all the salad, and yet I still get asked.
12:49Maybe, Brian, maybe knowing you're with the right person is about not having to ask for salad at all.
12:59Well?
13:00Feedback?
13:01OK.
13:02I don't think love is remotely like ordering a kebab.
13:05Now, Jo, you said you thought it was due south, right?
13:08Yep.
13:09Well, is it or isn't it?
13:11Honestly, I don't know what due south means.
13:14Then why the hell did you say it?
13:15It's just you look so cross, and I saw a giant poo back there.
13:19Which means the beast of the heath is probably following us.
13:22Jo, there is no mysterious creature roaming these woods laying massive turds.
13:26Guys, I'm getting pretty stressed here.
13:28But as usual, you're getting stressed for the wrong reasons.
13:31No one cares about your speech.
13:32Oh, OCD, Tom Selleck.
13:35They care about your scenic or your little seating plan, do they?
13:38Guys, is all this stress about me getting to the wedding on time?
13:41Yes.
13:42Of course it is.
13:43OK, I need to tell you something.
13:44I'm not letting this come off the rails when I am head usher.
13:47Not on my watch!
13:48OK, I've got a plan.
13:50Shh!
13:53Right at the end, I'm going to yank some of my nose hairs out.
13:57It'll make it look like I've been crying.
13:59I shall love it, Brian.
14:01It'll be really emotional.
14:02Brian!
14:06I've got a bad feeling about this.
14:08They're definitely late now.
14:10I'm sure they'll get here, Nesta.
14:12Daniel's a silly boy, but he wouldn't ruin Joe's wedding.
14:15The boys are full, Polly.
14:17Oh, they're a little late, aren't they?
14:21Hmm.
14:22Good teeth?
14:23Good breeding hips.
14:24Yes, I can see why he likes you.
14:26Nesta!
14:27We're not allowed!
14:29Shoo!
14:30Can we stop for five minutes?
14:31We're walking for hours.
14:32No!
14:33No!
14:34It's OK.
14:35I thought I knew I wouldn't end up married today, anyway.
14:36Joe, it's the bride's prerogative to be a little late.
14:37Not in the heath.
14:38Oh, God.
14:39I tried to tell you earlier.
14:40Tell us now.
14:41The bride's more than three hours late.
14:42The groom marries someone else.
14:43It's pretty sweet, really.
14:44It means there's almost a wedding.
14:45You backwards lunatics!
14:46Come on, get up.
14:47We can still make it.
14:48Guys, you need to chill out.
14:49People don't know where to sit.
14:50They won't know the lyrics to the hymns.
14:51Oh, God!
14:52Mum and Nesta are ruining my future as we speak!
14:54No!
14:55The other guests will be arriving now.
14:56Emma will be talking to her friend from school.
14:57What friend?
14:58Alistair!
14:59Hi.
15:00I didn't know you were coming.
15:01Looking lovely, Miss Lipsy.
15:02You're looking lovely, Miss Lipsy.
15:03You're looking lovely, Miss Lipsy.
15:04You're looking lovely, Miss Lipsy.
15:05You're looking lovely, Miss Lipsy.
15:06It's pretty sweet, really.
15:07It means there's almost a wedding.
15:08You backwards lunatics!
15:09Come on, get up.
15:10We can still make it.
15:11Guys, you need to chill out.
15:12People don't know where to sit.
15:13They won't know the lyrics to the hymns.
15:14Oh, God!
15:15Mum and Nesta are ruining my future as we speak!
15:17No!
15:18The other guests will be arriving now.
15:19Where?
15:20Why?
15:21I didn't know you were coming.
15:22Looking lovely, Miss Lipsy.
15:24You did what?!
15:25I thought you'd been pleased!
15:26Oh, fucking hell, Joe!
15:29This was my last chance!
15:31It's all right for you two.
15:33You found someone who doesn't mind how mental you are.
15:36He's even found someone who can put up with the tedium.
15:39I've got no one!
15:40I go home to two old women!
15:43Do you understand?
15:44I'm the only one who hasn't got someone.
15:47I'm...
15:49I'm the only one who's alone.
15:53Oh, don't give me one of your smug looks!
15:56She wants a divorce!
16:02Julia.
16:03She wants a divorce.
16:06Oh, Brian!
16:08Oh, mate.
16:11Seems there isn't.
16:12Someone who'll put up with my tedium.
16:14Oh.
16:20I get it.
16:21Do you?
16:23Of course.
16:26You're gay, aren't you?
16:29All these years.
16:30What?
16:31No!
16:32Oh, sorry.
16:33I...
16:34I thought this was one of those moments.
16:36No!
16:37Who?
16:39The Beast!
16:40I told you there's no such thing.
16:43I told you I saw those giant poos.
16:50Hardly surprising, guys.
16:51I'm eating a lot of berries out here.
16:54Dom?
16:55We thought you were the Beast of the Heath.
16:56I wish.
16:57I've been tracking it for years.
16:59Once a year, I come and live in nature with a view to seeing it.
17:02Do you know how to get to the wedding bar?
17:03Of course.
17:04I am the Heath.
17:05And the Heath is me.
17:07Guys.
17:08We can still make it.
17:09I've still got the speech.
17:10My jam burns nowhere near as sore.
17:13Maybe...
17:16Maybe this little guy did bring us luck.
17:18Maybe for once we're not the world's biggest losers.
17:21Dan!
17:22Ow!
17:23It's after the mouth!
17:24Oh!
17:25Oh!
17:28Oh!
17:29My fucking nose!
17:33What a quaint tradition to marry another rule is.
17:36How I love the Heath!
17:37You should save for the dance, Dom.
17:39I will.
17:40But know this.
17:41I have a simple rule.
17:43If I attend a wedding, I must make love to a woman.
17:47I must, and I always do.
17:50But first, I must pop back to the Heath.
17:52I have some outsized fecal madness to lay.
17:56Dom.
17:57You don't think you might be the Heath Beast?
18:01Oh, my God!
18:02This will be the size of a seal!
18:04See you on the dance floor!
18:10Sorry, Jay.
18:11We got lost.
18:12Ah!
18:13Don't matter, Marner.
18:14I married this one.
18:15So sweet.
18:16It's still a beat.
18:17It's still a beat.
18:18Incredible.
18:19It'll still be a great old party.
18:20I'll tell Heath Sausage Sunday to spark off.
18:22Wicked!
18:26Dan.
18:27Emma's over there.
18:28Yeah.
18:29It's all right.
18:30I know, and unbeaten them.
18:31Oh, my God!
18:43It's him!
18:44What?
18:45Dan!
18:46You've always loved him.
18:47No!
18:48But you were staring meaningfully at...
18:49Sorry, I thought it was one of those moments.
18:50No!
18:51I thought it was one of those moments.
18:52No!
18:53Let's look at my mum!
18:54Dan!
18:55Finally made it!
18:56Looking good.
18:57Ha, ha, ha, ha!
18:58Alistair, stop this.
18:59All right?
19:00I'm done.
19:01Oh, God.
19:02Both of my nightmares at once.
19:03Daniel, it's not always about you.
19:04Alistair and I are going to join the festivities.
19:05I'm sorry.
19:06Who are you?
19:07Why don't you go and say hello to your friend, Emma?
19:08Come along, you.
19:09Come.
19:10Come.
19:11Ah, ah, ah, ah!
19:12Ah!
19:13Ah!
19:14Ah!
19:15Ah!
19:16Ah, God.
19:17Both of my nightmares at once.
19:19Daniel, it's not always about you.
19:21Alistair and I are going to join the festivities.
19:24I'm sorry.
19:25Who are you?
19:26Why don't you go and say hello to your friend, Emma?
19:29Come along, you.
19:30Come.
19:31Ah, ah, ah, ah!
19:36Ah, ah, ah!
19:47Nice nose.
19:48Yes.
19:49It's an owl attack.
19:51Hmm.
19:52It's all right, I get it.
19:54I concede.
19:55Go on, go with him.
19:59Dear God, Dan, I'm not interested in Alistair.
20:03Aren't you?
20:04Oh, he's a good teacher, so I must like him, right?
20:09What?
20:10Dan.
20:16Marry me.
20:17What?
20:18Tonight.
20:19Why not?
20:20But Vic's still here, so...
20:27Why?
20:28What?
20:29Why do you want to marry me?
20:34Because I love you, so...
20:40You silly bugger.
20:45Come here.
20:46All right?
20:47You've got a nerve showing up here, Charlie Burrows.
21:03Where's Brian Scenic?
21:05Sorry, Mum.
21:06We wrote her off doing drag races on the farm.
21:09Doesn't matter.
21:11Julia got it in the divorce settlement anyway.
21:13Bit of karma.
21:15Oh, Brian.
21:17Should I get some cider?
21:19Nah.
21:20I think drinking in this frame of mind could be a little dangerous.
21:23I'll go and find Barbara.
21:24She's normally got a Cadbury Sun for me in her bag.
21:30Don't fancy coming to the farm one day, do you?
21:32Bought a new rake.
21:35Do you like...
21:36Do you like chomps?
21:42I've got a cow!
21:44I've got a cow!
21:46I've got me old fucking cow!
21:49You want a sound?
21:51I've got a cow!
21:53So let's not row!
21:55Let's just dance now!
22:02Take a little drink, we'll stay over the night
22:08So long as we get there, it'll be all right
22:11But nothing for nothing, this night is for geeks
22:15Doesn't matter if you fall down when nobody sleeps
22:18And we don't get that scene, then we surely never know
22:23So fill her up and put down...
22:25He won't be troubling you any more.
22:28Whatcha mean?
22:29He's an even bigger wimp than you are
22:32Though I admit, I did ask Weasel to add rather more hot jam to his pie
22:37Than was strictly fair
22:41Oh...
22:44That's very sweet of you, mister
22:46I can't keep fighting your battles for you
22:49So listen, you go and you secure that girl Emma
22:53While he's out of the picture
22:55Tell her you're ready to breed now
22:58She's leaving
23:00Hmm? So soon?
23:01The party's only just starting
23:03No, I mean she's leaving
23:05She's got a head teacher's post overseas
23:08But I...
23:10I thought that...
23:11So did I
23:17Hug from auntie
23:19Yeah
23:21Yeah, it does feel like one of those moments
23:23Oh...
23:25What are we going to do with you, Daniel?
23:29What are we going to do with you, Daniel?
23:32The party's going to be done, Daniel
23:33It's all sunny outside of town
23:35Some leaders are leaving
23:36Some are standing at ground
23:38Tell your boss there's no way
23:40He can reach out on a phone
23:42There's enough in the tank
23:44To get us all back home
23:46Yeah
23:48Yeah
23:49In a crowd at a house on the outside town
23:51In a crowd at a house on the outside town
23:52In a crowd at a house on the outside town
23:56In a crowd at a house on the outside town
Comments