- 6 months ago
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00:00Well, that was really interesting.
00:05Yeah, it's bloody chaos over here, isn't it?
00:07Yeah, if I didn't know you were in charge, I'd think no-one was.
00:10Yeah. Listen, I'm sorry about Karen.
00:12I don't normally have to slam them down that hard.
00:15Well, if a little girl insults you so openly.
00:19So where are you off to next? Maths? Take a book.
00:24No, no, they're good as gold over there.
00:28They're workers.
00:30How many opted for drama GCSE last year?
00:34GCSE drama? Piece of piss.
00:37Shouldn't be a real subject.
00:40Seven. Seven.
00:43Okay, thanks.
00:46Emma, see if the management meeting at one.
00:49Yeah.
00:51I mean, they're proper head cases, though.
00:54The seven.
00:56The fucking little rat Karen.
00:57You can't talk to the kids like that.
00:59Oh, right, you'd let a child call you a jowly turd, would you?
01:02Well, I wouldn't have resorted to cussing her mother.
01:04Come on, Emma.
01:05You've seen the woman, she looks like a moth.
01:07And why is he being all mysterious about the GCSE?
01:10Leaving a big pause after seven.
01:12Seven.
01:13He thinks he's fucking Poirot.
01:14I can't keep covering your arse, Dan.
01:17He doesn't like the arts.
01:18He's made that clear.
01:19You need to add some serious value to your department.
01:23Do you know what that means?
01:24Yes, I know what that means.
01:25It means letting the new head teabag me.
01:27Oh, hello, new head.
01:28Oh, oh, oh, oh, let's get these all squeaky clean.
01:32No, no, no.
01:32Are you waxing these?
01:33They're very soft.
01:34I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from.
01:43I'm very tired.
01:45Anyway, would you like to go for another drink sometime?
01:54No?
02:04Well, well, well.
02:23No surprise there.
02:26My God.
02:28Social convention means nothing to you, does it?
02:30No.
02:31What does it mean?
02:32I throw down the paper and say something to draw your attention,
02:36so you say...
02:38Hello, Brian.
02:40No, you don't say hello, Brian.
02:43You ask me what's on my mind.
02:44I didn't realise you were talking to me.
02:46You didn't say Joe.
02:47You and I are the only ones here.
02:48Shakira's over there.
02:49I wasn't speaking loud enough for Shakira to hear,
02:51so I must have been speaking to you.
02:53Oi!
02:55What about Big Dave Bowers?
02:57He's behind me.
02:58I would have turned my head if I was speaking to Big Dave Bowers.
03:01What?
03:01Sorry, Dave, I wasn't talking to you.
03:03You said my name.
03:04Jesus Christ!
03:05All right?
03:06Special please, Shakira.
03:08Bob!
03:09Egg invasion!
03:10Egg invasion?
03:11That's a sharing plate.
03:12Do you want a heart attack?
03:13Yes, I do, actually.
03:14The sweet release of my inevitable coronary
03:16will be better than taking children to the theatre.
03:18Oh, my God!
03:20Amazing!
03:20The theatre!
03:21That's where they have all those mad horses.
03:24And that, isn't it?
03:26I don't know.
03:26I've never been.
03:28What's on?
03:28I don't know.
03:29I just went to the box office and said 30 tickets for whatever shit you've got on.
03:32The font!
03:34That being here.
03:36I wouldn't rely on that rag.
03:37Last week's scoop was a story about a farting dentist.
03:41Tabloid rubbish.
03:41I've told you, if you want to get a letter published in the paper,
03:44stop writing about untidy roundabouts.
03:46It's a bloody eyesore.
03:48Oh, my God!
03:48Listen to this!
03:50This reimagining of the John Merrick story
03:52stars an excellent cast and local boy Jeff Dugan.
03:56BABY!
03:57Why?
03:59Jeff Dugan.
04:01Dickie Dugan.
04:03Topper Dugan.
04:04Dugan, play that game.
04:06He's back.
04:07Jeff Dugan from our school?
04:09Nice loud.
04:10What?
04:11He made my life hell, Brian.
04:14Why do you think I'm all Pip Schofield?
04:16How come you two haven't got grey hair?
04:18It's because Joe and I are six years younger than you.
04:21Because when you were in sixth form,
04:22your best friends were two year sevens.
04:25I've got to go to work.
04:28Jeff Dugan.
04:29A proper actor.
04:31Hope he gets to see me do my new job.
04:34What new job?
04:37Whatever I say, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.
04:40Gary Boller's got a beard.
04:41I'm Howard.
04:42So is he.
04:43I'm Jason.
04:43He's left.
04:44I'm Mark.
04:46Uncanny.
04:56Problem's down.
04:59Oh, God.
05:00Hello, Dom.
05:01Whale, Burr.
05:07Look what you want, mate.
05:08We meet on Thursdays.
05:09My place.
05:10My card.
05:11Yes.
05:12With respect, the last time that you helped me,
05:15I shattered myself in front of my girlfriend,
05:16and now she lives with another man, so...
05:18The bottom ones are burnt.
05:22I'm not hiding it.
05:24It's not running club.
05:25I use a different discipline now.
05:27I think you may find it interesting.
05:28I feel a bit stupid now I'm here.
05:35I sort of came for some advice.
05:38It's Geoff, Dad.
05:40Dugan's back.
05:42And I know you'd be laughing at me
05:43and saying,
05:44oh, you're a chicken
05:45and probably saying that my penis is tiny.
05:49Tiny like a wine stopper, I know.
05:53But I think you'd also tell me what to do.
05:55Yeah, I just read that, uh,
05:58the curious incident of the dog in the night time.
06:01No joke of a lie, Stan.
06:03It's better than that, uh, the old, uh...
06:05Sorry?
06:06Mate?
06:07Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
06:09Could you...
06:10Have you read it?
06:11I've seen the film.
06:13Superb adaptation.
06:15You know how much I like him, my dad.
06:17Absolutely lovely chap with the chap
06:20kneeling down in beige trousers
06:22just above your head to the left.
06:25He's, uh...
06:26Mate, I'm sorry.
06:27Could you talk to your...
06:29Uncle.
06:29Could you talk to your uncle quietly
06:31and not about me?
06:34Oh, right.
06:34I do beg your pardon.
06:36Okay.
06:39Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall?
06:41Shut up!
06:42Shut up!
06:44Honestly, mate.
06:46You are so boring!
06:48So boring!
06:52What am I doing down here?
06:59Here he is.
07:00Ah, Daniel!
07:02Oh, no, Nesta, please.
07:04Your mother is very worried.
07:06I am.
07:06Why?
07:07Have the EU made it illegal to nibble shortbread
07:09and obsess about the weather?
07:10Big Dave Bowers told me
07:12Geoff Dugan is in town
07:14and I know how much he made you cry.
07:17What the hell are you doing talking to Big Dave Bowers?
07:19Well, I went to buy some chops.
07:21And pissy little things they were, too.
07:23But I'll deal with Bowers later.
07:25The point is, we cannot have you, a grown man,
07:27quivering like a cornered shrew
07:28because your old bully is back in town.
07:30We can't!
07:31How long is she staying?
07:33It's been three months.
07:34Should you not be back at the farm
07:35randomly executing wildlife?
07:37Boy's hysterical.
07:39Leave him to me, Polly.
07:43Right, come here, boy.
07:45What?
07:46Come!
07:46Now, Daniel, you throw a bucket of water over a lesbian.
07:54She'll be shocked for a moment.
07:56And then an hour later, she'll be back scissoring
07:58one of her short-haired friends.
07:59And why shouldn't she be?
08:01You take my point?
08:03No!
08:04Role play it is, then.
08:06You be Geoff Dugan.
08:08I'll be you.
08:08Jesus Christ.
08:14Oh, that's me, is it?
08:15Oh, come on, boy.
08:17What is the worst thing he's ever sent to you?
08:19Nesta, please.
08:22OK, you want to do this?
08:24Let's do this.
08:25Oi!
08:26Davis, you pissy bag of asthma!
08:28Where you been?
08:28Round the back of the sports hall,
08:30drinking from your own wang!
08:31No, Geoff Dugan.
08:33I am making soup,
08:35a hearty food favoured by men.
08:38Take that!
08:41Ah!
08:41Ah!
08:44Oh!
08:45Right.
08:46End of bullying.
08:48Hug me, Geoff.
08:49I'm the pack leader.
08:51You've...
08:52You've burnt my penis!
08:53Oh, sir, has the elephant escaped or something?
09:02It's not a real elephant, Robin, is it, you bitch?
09:06He's cancelled it, miss.
09:08What?
09:09Apparently he's ill.
09:12What's the matter with you?
09:14Dan?
09:16You're going to make me say it, aren't you?
09:17In front of the children.
09:19All right?
09:20I've got a soup burn.
09:22Down there.
09:22Sir's burnt his dick.
09:25Mr Davis,
09:27this trip
09:28is happening.
09:30Oh!
09:31It was fine for you to cancel a trip to Chatterley Gardens, though, wasn't it?
09:35My mother had died.
09:36Oh, yes.
09:37I'm so sorry.
09:38Get off!
09:42A trip, eh?
09:43Impressive.
09:44Almost a real subject.
09:52Guys!
09:52Please greet Dan in the usual way.
09:54Peace and absolute knowledge, Dan.
09:57These guys are a little further ahead in the process, Dan.
10:00Yeah.
10:02Tom, I'm sorry.
10:03I don't think I want to be part of the process.
10:05Well, you should.
10:06The process is incredible.
10:08Thank you, Maxwell.
10:09You've made great progress since you've been through your regression.
10:11I'm still scared of that tiny man, though.
10:13It will take time.
10:14You chased me for ages.
10:15Maxwell.
10:17The floor isn't yours today.
10:19Sorry.
10:20What does he need to face?
10:21I'm all right, Ashley.
10:23I'm going to go.
10:23The memory of a vile young man who tortured him as a youngster.
10:28Did he say you look like Sloth from the Goonies?
10:31No.
10:32You do.
10:33You want to have a look in the mirror, mate?
10:35You've got a nose like a cob loaf.
10:36There's no need for that!
10:37OK, guys.
10:38That's not helpful.
10:41Dan, are you willing to enter into this process, go back and face this ghost?
10:57Oh, fuck it.
10:58All right.
11:02When I realised Bruce Willis was actually dead,
11:06you could have blown me down with a feather.
11:10Right.
11:10So can I speak to Jeff now?
11:12Oh, yeah.
11:13Here he comes now.
11:14Jeff!
11:15Hello.
11:16Hello there.
11:16Afternoon, Martin.
11:19Jeff!
11:20It's me!
11:20Uh, whoa.
11:21Mr. Duggan has to prepare.
11:23Well, they do, though, don't they?
11:25I used to enjoy that Inside the Actors Studio.
11:29I just need a word.
11:29He knows me.
11:30I want to score with him.
11:31Did you ever see the Marlon Brando episode of Inside the Actors Studio?
11:36Look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm trying to write a piece for the local paper.
11:40Oh, journalism.
11:42Mm.
11:43I expect you're always looking for the scoop while trying to not get in over your head,
11:49like the parallax view with Warren Beatty.
11:52Remember it.
11:53Remember it.
11:54Remember it.
11:55Remember it.
11:56Remember it.
11:57Remember it.
11:58Remember it.
11:59Remember it.
12:00Remember it.
12:01Remember it.
12:02Remember it.
12:03No!
12:04Remember it.
12:04Remember it.
12:05Remember it.
12:07Remember it.
12:08Remember it.
12:09Remember it.
12:10Thanks for the rope, Davies.
12:15Can't believe you tied him up with his own rope.
12:17You said you wanted to make a massive cat's cradle.
12:20You twat lads. Rubber up.
12:24No.
12:25No!
12:26Like your new earrings, Davies.
12:29Hey, Chef, do you want me to come?
12:31Take his shorts down, boys.
12:34Not the crab! Not the crab!
12:37Yes, Davies. Feel the snap of his mighty claw. Feel it!
12:42No!
12:49Stop, men! Stop! We've pushed him too far!
12:52That is bloody ridiculous!
12:54None of that happened.
12:56Dad, you must deal with your past demons head on.
12:59I mean, literally, none of that happened.
13:01Yes, I was bullied, but he didn't put condoms on my ears
13:04and he certainly didn't get a crab to bite my penis.
13:06What?
13:08But we've regressed you!
13:12Is that a proclaiming?
13:16Like I say, none of that happened.
13:21Will you keep rubbing your penis?
13:23Yes!
13:24My aunt burnt it with some soup.
13:27Excuse me.
13:27Oh, I've just thought.
13:32It might have been a child chasing me.
13:34Silence, Maxwell!
13:35What about Michael Jackson?
13:36Not a problem!
13:39There you are.
13:39I've been sitting in the cafe for half an hour.
13:43Sorry, I was just watching Joe.
13:50She's bulletproof, you know.
13:51Why can't I shake off the memory of Dugan?
13:57You've got to let it go, Dan.
13:58I doubt if Geoff even remembers you.
14:00He certainly doesn't remember me.
14:03Invisible aims, strikes again.
14:05What makes you think he doesn't remember you?
14:08I just thought if I had an exclusive interview with the star of the Fent, I'd...
14:12Get into the Herald?
14:14You bastard!
14:15For God's sake, it was 30 years ago.
14:17Do the foot thing again.
14:18You know how I feel about Geoff.
14:23After everything he did.
14:25I will not be ignored.
14:26Not anymore.
14:27Not by you.
14:28Not by those idiots at the Herald.
14:30Christ, it's bad enough at home.
14:35What are you doing?
14:39I've burnt my penis.
14:41As if you care.
14:43You traitor.
14:44Me?
14:45OK.
14:46What's my middle name?
14:48What?
14:49You've known me for 30 years.
14:51What's my middle name?
14:56Hmm.
15:00Any donations?
15:13Bit of a bummer.
15:14Only got three mentors.
15:16How do you deal with it, mate?
15:18Do of what?
15:19When people are unkind.
15:22I don't know.
15:23Luckily, no one ever has been.
15:25Joe, those boys were...
15:27What?
15:27Look at them.
15:28What?
15:31Nothing.
15:32If you're worried about bullies,
15:34you should get a personal alarm.
15:37Imagine when we sold me one.
15:38That's not a personal alarm.
15:39Well, I've never been attacked.
15:45Good.
15:47I'm so excited.
15:52This place is brilliant.
15:53This place is brilliant.
15:53This is the foyer.
15:57Oh, bloody hell, Dennis.
15:58Have you got enough sweets?
15:59No.
16:00You're supposed to be keeping a low profile.
16:02You know what he's like.
16:03If he has that many e-numbers, he'll go chimp.
16:05Sir, can I give the elephant some popcorn?
16:07I have tried to tell you there is no elephant.
16:11You ask me again, you and I have got a problem.
16:13Look at me, Robin!
16:15Where's Brian?
16:16He's not coming.
16:17We've got a row, and I'm glad.
16:19Don't be mental.
16:20This is perfect for Brian.
16:22Give me the ticket.
16:23I'll leave it in the box office.
16:24I'm afraid he still doesn't remember you, sir.
16:31Well, it'll be the moustache.
16:33Didn't you have that at school?
16:35Of course not.
16:37Some kids do.
16:38I had a friend who was very keen on the work of that, uh, Tom Selleck.
16:43God, you're tedious!
16:46Ladies and gentlemen, the fact will start in one minute.
16:50One minute.
16:50Look how close we are to the front.
16:54Sir!
16:55I feel really angry!
17:09Sir, is that the elephant?
17:10Shh!
17:12London, 1864.
17:15My name is John Mary.
17:20Hello!
17:21I'm Joe!
17:24I'm so sad.
17:25Jeff is brilliant.
17:27I'll tell you what's sad.
17:28You don't know how the theatre works.
17:31Oh!
17:32I'm going to have to go to the toilet.
17:33My dick's gorgeous, killing me.
17:35Get some booze in.
17:39Miss, can I buy the elephants some Skittles?
17:42Robin, elephants don't eat Skittles, silly.
17:47I'll look to the garage in a minute and get some peanuts.
17:49They love peanuts.
17:53I'm back!
17:55Who are you?
17:56It's me!
17:58From before!
17:58I'm the one doing the Herald piece for Geoff Dugan.
18:00Why have you shaved your moustache off?
18:03To grease the wheels of recognition.
18:06Could you get him?
18:07It's the interval now, sir.
18:09Mr Dugan is relaxing.
18:12Get him!
18:13Raising your voice isn't going to help you, is it, sir?
18:17Pages of history are littered with shouters, or...
18:19Ha!
18:20My friend's got me a ticket at the box office.
18:23Let's see if I can get to Geoff Dugan that way, shall we?
18:25You...
18:26Twit!
18:27It's puffed up like a papaya fruit down there.
18:33The theatre's wicked.
18:34You get free cocktails.
18:35I've got you, a Margaret Powell.
18:39And I've got a Mr D Stewart.
18:44It tastes like wine.
18:45Jo, these are people's pre-ordered interval drinks.
18:48There's mental at the theatre.
18:50Ladies and gentlemen, the second half of the fans will commence in two minutes.
18:54I'll see you inside.
18:55I've got to do something.
18:56Jo?
18:56Jo!
18:57Well, it says I'll recognise Brian Ames because he has a distinctive moustache.
19:03Yes.
19:05I've just been home and shaved it off.
19:07Why?
19:08How about you keep your big nose out of my business and give me the ticket?
19:12Keep my what out?
19:14Sir, can I have my sweets back?
19:26No.
19:26Give me that can.
19:28What up?
19:28I've got my
19:55I can barely bring myself to look upon the truth these days.
20:08Why is he called the Elephant Man? He looks like a melted cake.
20:15Frank, do you want some hot chocolate?
20:17That's it! I didn't train for ten years to play in front of you, little council house scum!
20:26Relax, fun. I've got your favourite. Nuts!
20:30And you? Why are you calling out, you fucking village idiot?
20:38Jeff Dugan! Now!
20:42Please!
20:44You don't have a moustache. I've got a new ID of Brian Ames!
20:47Irving! Irving! It's a C-52!
21:14You have a new gate
21:24I am a lony. Nobody makes me sound smart.
21:26You have a new house and a planner!
21:28No!
21:31He has a new house!
21:34What made it worse!
21:36The61-Earth Man
21:37Brian, it's Peter.
21:54What?
21:54Your middle name, it's Peter.
22:07Jeff?
22:11Jeff, I thought you played the fun.
22:15Clive, I'm Brian Clive Ames.
22:37I'm on my way to what I want from this world.
22:58And if I know, you'll make it to the next world.
23:02And everything.
23:07I thought you broke the live stream that will make it so that the other people will think
23:17is a simple tune.
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