- 6 months ago
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FunTranscript
00:00So, you're getting a rescue dog?
00:02Well, Peggy's an ex-working dog.
00:05Recently very neglected.
00:07But she can spend her well-earned retirement being fussed over by me.
00:10Affection and support, that's what's needed.
00:13Validation.
00:14Agreed.
00:15But what about the dog?
00:19I was implying a parallel between...
00:21No, I know.
00:24So, sorry to ask this, but...
00:29Are we back together?
00:31Sure.
00:32I guess.
00:34Why not?
00:35Terrific.
00:36We could break the journey and hole up at a roadside motel.
00:40Give false names and order in pizza.
00:43It's only a four-hour drive.
00:45Look, let's concentrate on the job in hand.
00:48Finding Andrew's birth mother and using her to emotionally and mentally crush him to dust.
00:54Yes, let's do it.
00:55Road trip to Mindfuck Central.
00:58Woo-hoo!
00:59I'm Thelma.
01:00And I'm Louise!
01:02I think I liked it better when we were Bonnie and Clyde.
01:04Woo-hoo!
01:06Woo-hoo!
01:07Woo-hoo!
01:08Woo-hoo!
01:09Woo-hoo!
01:09Woo-hoo!
01:10Woo-hoo!
01:11Woo-hoo!
01:12Woo-hoo!
01:12Woo-hoo!
01:12Woo-hoo!
01:13Woo-hoo!
01:13Woo-hoo!
01:13Woo-hoo!
01:14Woo-hoo!
01:15Woo-hoo!
01:15Woo-hoo!
01:16So, just to clarify,
01:18Stephen as my best man?
01:22Is that OK?
01:23No, sure.
01:25Brilliant.
01:26I think it'll be good for him.
01:27And Cass is still definitely giving you away?
01:31Oh, she really wants to.
01:31Says it'll fuck the patriarchy in the balls.
01:33Can you fuck something in the balls?
01:36I mean, bum hole I'm aware of, but...
01:38I hope you don't feel left out, Andrew, wedding-wise.
01:42Not at all.
01:43Happy to be invited.
01:44I feel bad leaving for Tring.
01:46I hope you'll be OK when I'm gone.
01:48Well, I'm going to miss you, Alan.
01:50Hugely.
01:51Of course I will.
01:51But, um...
01:53Well, Tring calls, you have to follow.
01:55I suppose you'll still have Wendy.
01:58Right.
02:00Yes.
02:03Sorry.
02:04It's quite frothy.
02:05When are you ready, Wendy?
02:06Yeah.
02:07Oh, I did tilt the glass,
02:10but it maybe wasn't quite the right angle.
02:12I don't mean right angle as in 90 degrees,
02:14I mean the correct angle.
02:1645 degrees, is it?
02:18Or less.
02:19Not less.
02:20Um, fewer.
02:21Soon as you like, Wendy.
02:22Oh, yeah.
02:23And a vodka Red Bull, please.
02:24Red Bull?
02:25Is that a wine?
02:26No.
02:27Energy drink.
02:28What on earth's an energy drink?
02:30Like, um, Ovaltine, do you mean?
02:32I'll get it, Wendy.
02:34Anyone fancy selling an angry farmer a drink?
02:37With you in a second, Chief.
02:39Andrew.
02:42I know Wendy wanted a job,
02:44and it's kind of you to give her this opportunity, but...
02:47It's not really working out, is it?
02:48No.
02:49She's, and I don't mean this unkindly, shit.
02:55Yeah, she's not quite doing it, is she?
03:01Jeff needs a fucking drink!
03:05It's like we're cops, isn't it?
03:08They get out of the car like this,
03:10slam the door,
03:12stand still for a bit,
03:13look around,
03:14adjust the waistband.
03:16It's times like this I wish I smoked.
03:18We should have badges, we can flick open.
03:20My leisure centre card comes in a little leatherette wallet,
03:23but sadly it's in my other jacket.
03:26So, which one's Andrew's mum's?
03:28Er, 86 Eversley Close.
03:31There it is.
03:33Are we doing this?
03:34We're doing this.
03:37No, I assure you...
03:38I am just not interested in becoming a Jehovah's Witness.
03:41We're here about Andrew.
03:43Andrew?
03:44I know, a blast from the past.
03:46Prince Andrew?
03:48No, your son, Andrew.
03:50I don't have a son.
03:51You're not Sarah Donnelly?
03:53No.
03:54Oh, she did live here before us,
03:56took the light bulbs.
03:57Should have seen the state of the garden.
03:59Do you know where we'd be able to find her?
04:00No, sorry.
04:01Would anyone else know?
04:04Old George might.
04:05Now, he was very pally with the whole Donnelly clan.
04:08Odd jobs, all that.
04:10Go and see old George.
04:11And where could we find old George?
04:14I'm not sure these days.
04:16Jake Adams could tell you, though.
04:19OK, I think you might be able to anticipate my next question.
04:26Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons?
04:28Well, it's exactly like this,
04:30but you don't have to leave the house.
04:31Almost found her.
04:33I bet this Jake Adams will give us a riddle
04:36that leads us to Tall Kenny,
04:38who sent us to Obese Paul,
04:40who tells us we have to journey across the mountains
04:43to retrieve the Chalice of Destiny
04:45from the Chief Ombudsman of the fucking Wombles.
04:49Hi, we're looking for Jake Adams.
04:53Are you the police?
04:54No, we're not the police.
04:56Although I do work in the law.
04:57She is a lawwoman.
04:59Oh, that's him over there.
05:02Hi, Jake.
05:03We're looking for old George.
05:05We think he might be able to help us with our inquiries.
05:08Old George?
05:09Yes, old George.
05:11Do you have any idea where he might live
05:14or do you know friends of his, acquaintances?
05:17Any leads at all would be a great help.
05:19I'll make a call.
05:21Thanks.
05:23George, mate, could you come to till five, please?
05:26That's till five.
05:29Thanks.
05:30I just feel you're not happy, Wendy.
05:42Very perceptive, as usual, Andrew.
05:45I'm not.
05:47I think we've made a mistake.
05:49Are you sure?
05:50No, no, I'm confused.
05:54Phil called.
05:56He's on a tour of Dunkirk.
05:58He doesn't like it.
05:59He wants to come home.
06:01And I want him home.
06:02So you think you guys should get back together?
06:05I don't know.
06:07Should we?
06:08That's not my decision to make, Wendy.
06:10That's yours and Phil's.
06:11Although I did think you made your decision.
06:14Oh, no, I know.
06:16Sorry.
06:17Are you still in love with Phil?
06:19Yes.
06:22I think.
06:23What do you think?
06:24Yes or no?
06:25Am I?
06:26I think I am.
06:28Wendy, if you want to get back with Phil, just do it.
06:31This doesn't have to be some huge, epic drama.
06:34Okay.
06:35Now, let's get your husband back from Dunkirk.
06:46Finish this off, Sarah.
06:48Then you should take your break.
06:49Thanks.
06:49Will do.
07:01Sarah.
07:02Yeah?
07:03My name's Alison and this is Stephen, my friend.
07:06Boyfriend.
07:07Hi.
07:07Right.
07:08We have a mutual friend.
07:10Who's that then?
07:11Andrew.
07:12No, can't think of an Andrew.
07:16Your son?
07:17I haven't got a son called Andrew.
07:20Fuck old George.
07:23Are you sure?
07:24I know how many children I've got, thanks.
07:26No, of course.
07:27Sorry.
07:27Yep.
07:28Sorry to bother you.
07:33Is he all right?
07:36This Andrew?
07:38Why would you want to know that?
07:42His actual name is Chris.
07:44I think he took to calling himself Andrew after we...
07:47What, is this his middle name?
07:50Is he okay?
07:52He's not ill...
07:53He's fine.
07:54Are you free to chat?
07:58I just can't shake this Luca business.
08:01The betrayal.
08:02And it's got me thinking about my late Lily.
08:05My proper partner.
08:06You know she's in that old picturesque bit of the cemetery.
08:09I bought the plot next to Lily's years ago for when I passed,
08:12but a guy's been in touch asking if I'd flog it to him.
08:15Selly.
08:16But that'd mean he'd be with Lily for his honesty.
08:18Only his bones, Jan.
08:20I mean, initially his flesh, but not for long.
08:23I'm tempted.
08:24I need the money.
08:26But Lily was my one true love.
08:28You've not had a serious relationship since Lily went?
08:30Not really.
08:31I had a brief dalliance with the woman who used to collect ball semen from my farm.
08:36Very strong wrists.
08:38I used to get her to open all my jars.
08:41After she'd washed her hands, of course.
08:43Well, of course.
08:44And she was the only one who could get my lawnmower started.
08:47Oh.
08:47So you don't want to see Andrew?
08:52Sorry, Chris.
08:54Not even to say hi?
08:55No.
08:56Sorry.
08:57It sounds harsh, but it wouldn't do either of us any good.
09:00I was a kid when I had him.
09:02My life was in turmoil.
09:03I tried having him back and it didn't work.
09:05He was better off without me.
09:07And I was better off without him.
09:08So you definitely don't want to see him?
09:10No.
09:11Sorry.
09:12I don't want to see him.
09:13And I don't particularly want to see you two either.
09:16Now.
09:17Time's up.
09:18Buck off.
09:19No, she really, really wants to see you.
09:22How did she find me?
09:23She checked with all the places she definitely remembered you'd been fostered.
09:28And because Alison dealt with Laurie's will, she got in touch.
09:33Okay.
09:34The bottom line is your birth mother has reached out and wants desperately to see you if that's what you want.
09:41I'm feeling a bit ambushed here.
09:44You seem keen for me to see her.
09:46Oh, no, no, no.
09:47Neither keen or unkeen.
09:48I'm neutral.
09:50PH7, like Laura Koonsberg.
09:52Where are you at the moment?
09:53I'm crossing a busy road, so I'd better look both ways and listen.
09:57Bye.
10:04Is this wrong?
10:09It seems a bit wrong.
10:13My parents were happily married for 43 years.
10:16Andrew broke them up.
10:17For sport.
10:18For a game.
10:19You spent months being treated for acute mental distress, which he initiated, deliberately, and the fucker killed Maureen.
10:28He's the devil.
10:31You're right.
10:32And we're going to destroy him.
10:34Andrew's on the hook.
10:35We're going to reel him in, stun him, and gut him.
10:39Like a fish.
10:40You didn't need to add that.
10:41Hey, everyone.
10:52This is Peggy.
10:53Hello, Peggy.
10:55Your puppy.
10:55What a sweetheart.
10:57She's an ex-working dog.
10:59Prostitute.
11:00What was her job?
11:01Drug sniffing?
11:02Biodetection.
11:03She used to work in a private hospital.
11:05Biodetection?
11:06What's that when it's her home?
11:07She used to sniff out various cancers in people.
11:09She was never wrong, apparently.
11:15Alison, Alison.
11:16It's your dad.
11:17He's in the cabin from the station.
11:19Anyone speak up?
11:21I'm looking forward to seeing you.
11:23Nearly home now.
11:24What a prized idiot I've been.
11:26Like I said in my text, I never really wanted to have sex with other women.
11:30I couldn't have managed it anyway.
11:31No, your poor knees.
11:34Well, that's generous of you.
11:36I was thinking penis.
11:37Dad, Dad, you're on speaker.
11:39Am I?
11:39Oh, fuck nuts.
11:40Oh, God, I've just penis.
11:41Dad, you're still on speaker.
11:42Oh, tits.
11:43Am I still?
11:44Oh, God, I've just said tits as well now.
11:46Shall I stop talking?
11:48It's okay, love.
11:50No, it's just me now.
11:52So when will you get here?
11:55So have you thought any more about going to see your mum?
11:58She was very keen to see you.
12:00I'd love to see Chris, she said.
12:03What would you think?
12:04Road trip?
12:05Get some closure?
12:08I don't need closure.
12:10And I don't need to see my mum.
12:12You can't sell the plot next to Lily.
12:19I'm holding up a red card, Jeff.
12:21And what is red the international symbol for?
12:23Playing crisps.
12:25It means stop.
12:26Stop thinking about selling the plot.
12:28Even though you and Lily had a combative relationship,
12:30you loved each other.
12:32What do you mean combative?
12:33What were Lily's final words to you on her deathbed?
12:37She told me to fuck off.
12:39Lily's final words on this earth...
12:41Were fuck off, Jeff.
12:43Yes.
12:43Because you'd told her on her deathbed
12:46that you'd had a big think
12:47and you decided that you probably would get married again
12:50to a younger, more fertile woman
12:52so you could have the children
12:53that you and she had never had.
12:55In retrospect, it was poorly timed.
12:58But I never did have kids,
13:00so she's had the last laugh.
13:03Miss you, babe.
13:03Is the hot chocolate machine working, Jan?
13:11Certainly is.
13:12Two?
13:12With marshmallows and sprinkles
13:14and all the trippings, please.
13:29Oh!
13:31How lovely!
13:32Hello!
13:32Oh, hello, sweetheart.
13:35Is this he yours, Alison?
13:38Oh, you're very beautiful.
13:40Dogs don't usually like me.
13:46What?
13:49Sorry, Julian.
13:51I've searched high and low for sprinkles
13:52but I'm fucked if I can find any.
13:54I'm going to see her now, Mum.
14:06Yep.
14:07Will do.
14:10How was chemo?
14:13Right.
14:14I'm sorry.
14:15I'm sorry.
14:18Two sugars.
14:20Thanks.
14:21The same as me.
14:22Not many folk left here who have sugar in their tea.
14:25Why do people who no longer take sugar
14:27always evangelise like born-again Christians?
14:29I know.
14:30You can really taste the tea.
14:31Just give it two weeks.
14:32Twats.
14:33Twats.
14:37I'm really glad you came round, Stephen.
14:41I just thought that...
14:43I'm your big brother and this is huge.
14:49And I should be a shoulder to cry on.
14:54It's very sweet.
14:56And I...
14:57I know that Mum would want me to...
15:06It's OK.
15:12Sorry.
15:13It's OK.
15:14No, it's not.
15:17You should let it down.
15:19I should keep it in.
15:21I'm not normally good at letting it out.
15:23You're doing great.
15:31I'm sorry.
15:33This isn't helping.
15:46Hello, Stephen.
15:47I think I'm ready to go and see my mum.
15:55Sorry.
15:56That's what I wanted to hear.
15:57Sorry she gave me away.
15:59That she gave up on me.
16:00And just to acknowledge that she was my mum, you know?
16:04And that part of her might regret that she didn't see me growing up.
16:08Apart from her might...
16:09I might still love me.
16:12No, that seems...
16:15That does seem like an important thing to hear.
16:18Text me as soon as you get this.
16:25I've had a road to Damascus moment on the A46.
16:29This is all wrong, Alison.
16:31All wrong.
16:31We've turned into Andrew.
16:33A two-headed, multi-limbed, hermaphrodite Andrew.
16:37We can't do this to him.
16:38It'll destroy him.
16:39I need to talk to his mum and try and turn this around.
16:57I'll just pop in to make sure Sarah's there and let her know you've come to see her.
17:02OK.
17:03Back soon.
17:04She'll be pleased to see you.
17:06Don't you worry.
17:13Because I don't want to.
17:15Why should I?
17:16Because he's your son.
17:18I'd be lying, though.
17:19I don't regret what I did.
17:21It was the best decision under impossible circumstances.
17:24Can't you just say it?
17:26Apologise?
17:27Nothing to apologise for.
17:29Seriously.
17:30You are not going to guilt-trip me about this.
17:32Act it.
17:33But pretend.
17:34£77.90, please, my love.
17:36I don't even know you.
17:38You barge into my life, ordering me about.
17:41What's in it for me?
17:47I'll pay you.
17:52How much?
17:53£150.
17:55£200.
17:56£160.
17:56£190.
17:57£175.
17:58Done.
18:02I haven't got any cash.
18:04We do cash back.
18:06OK.
18:06I'll have £175 cash back.
18:09You need to buy some at first.
18:12We need dog biscuits.
18:15Aisle 9.
18:15£175.
18:32Well?
18:33She apologised.
18:35She said part of her regret of giving me away and not seeing me grow up,
18:39and she would always be my mum.
18:41Good.
18:42Great.
18:44That's great.
18:48How much did you pay her?
18:49£175.
18:52Thanks.
18:55It's Cass.
18:57Mum and Julian want to bring forward their engagement party.
19:01Mum's not feeling great.
19:02So, we've decided the wedding will be in a week's time.
19:17Register office, not church.
19:19No flowers.
19:20Minimal everything.
19:21Just keeping it simple.
19:22We just want to get married.
19:24Oh, they're very much in love.
19:27OK.
19:29What does that mean?
19:29Do I have to be the one who says it?
19:34Seemingly.
19:35OK.
19:36If mum is in danger and she marries Julian...
19:41Oh, God.
19:42Is this a money thing, Stephen?
19:44All I'm saying is that there's a possibility they'll be married in a few days.
19:48Maybe for just a matter of weeks.
19:50And then Julian could get everything.
19:53Pub, house, the jackpot.
19:55I don't want to have this conversation.
19:57I feel like the worst person in the world.
20:01But, I mean, has mum made a will?
20:03I presume she's made a will.
20:05Presumption butters no parsnips.
20:08What?
20:09I don't know.
20:10I just think we need to talk about this urgently.
20:12Julian could get everything.
20:15Hang on.
20:16You don't think...
20:17What?
20:19That he suspected she had cancer from the beginning.
20:23And this is all a plan.
20:24Fuck.
20:26Maybe you meet a shitload of ill people if you're a vicar.
20:30You'd get to know the signs.
20:32So, do we need to stop Julian marrying Ella?
20:36Andrew?
20:37Stephen?
20:38Boo!
20:38I just wanted to say...
20:45I love Julian and I want to marry him.
20:48But that doesn't mean that I don't still love Laurie and I think about him every day.
20:55And I love you three.
20:57And I hope you'll be happy for me.
21:00We are.
21:01Very happy.
21:02Yes.
21:05But I don't want glum faces.
21:07I have no intention of dying any time soon.
21:11Very happy.
21:12Oh, Jeff.
21:13Put on your lovely 70s playlist, yes?
21:16All right.
21:16Stephen, pop up to my room and get my cannabis resin and tobacco, would you, sweetheart?
21:23Please?
21:24Oh, this is nice.
21:32Blue jean baby, LA lady.
21:40Seems just for a man.
21:45So.
21:46So.
21:54I don't know what to say.
22:03Of course.
22:05I didn't know what to say to my dead dad.
22:09And I don't know what to say to my dead mum.
22:12Be in the moment.
22:14Just blurt out what you feel.
22:18Okay.
22:18Panic.
22:22Cold.
22:23Trousers too thin.
22:25Hungry.
22:26Feet hurt.
22:28Hate funerals.
22:31Hate myself.
22:34Just say you love her.
22:37For your own sake.
22:38I'm being straight with you here.
22:40No games.
22:42Please.
22:42I love you, Mum.
22:52I love you too, Mum.
22:57Love you, Mum.
22:59I'll miss you.
23:02Good to see you again.
23:06Hold me closer, tiny dancer
23:09Count the headlights on the highway
23:16Maybe darling, she's so blanding
23:23You had a busy day today
23:29Oh, because a tiny dancer
23:36Count the headlights on the highway
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