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EastSiders Gay Theme TV Series

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Transcript
00:00You
00:30Mm-hmm
00:32Sweetie, are you okay?
00:34I'm fine.
00:40I'm finally free.
00:44Congratulations, you crazy bitch.
00:50Damn, I look good, though.
01:00Your makeup is terrible.
01:02Your makeup is terrible.
01:04But I love you anyway.
01:12Morning.
01:14No. Good morning.
01:16No.
01:20Morning.
01:22Five more minutes.
01:30Ready to get up?
01:36Five more minutes.
01:38I think you've had enough sleep.
01:40Shut up.
01:42Five more minutes.
01:44It's a beautiful day.
01:46Five more minutes.
01:48Ten more minutes.
01:52It's been an hour and ten minutes.
01:54Five more minutes.
02:00It is true.
02:04Fly into your day.
02:06The brand new day awaits you and your wings.
02:10Set them free.
02:12Ten more minutes.
02:14Ten more minutes.
02:18Oh!
02:20No.
02:22It's time to get up.
02:30Hey.
02:36Guess what?
02:38I made you coffee.
02:40Coffee?
02:41Yeah.
02:42Like with caffeine?
02:43Oh, sorry.
02:44Totally forgot.
02:45You know that I'm on a cleanse.
02:48Sorry.
02:49I thought it was just a red meat gluten thing.
02:51No, that was just week one.
02:53Caffeine is a poison.
02:55Have you seen the spiderwebs made by spiders on caffeine?
02:58They are just as bad as the spiders that are on meth.
03:01I don't want to be a meth spider.
03:03They gave the spiders meth?
03:05Mm-hmm.
03:06Who did this?
03:10Science.
03:13Alright.
03:14I don't want you to be a meth spider.
03:16Would you like something else?
03:19You could squeeze six fresh lemons.
03:22Lemons are nature's coffee beans.
03:26Okay.
03:28Okay.
03:31If I do that, you're getting up.
03:33Shh.
03:37I'm doing my daily visualization.
03:39Oh.
03:40Yes.
03:41Right.
03:44You need to go on to the other room.
03:46I can see you, babe.
03:49Go.
03:50Shh.
03:51Shh.
03:52Shh.
03:53Shh.
03:54Shh.
03:55Shh.
03:56Shh.
03:57Shh.
03:58Shh.
03:59Shh.
04:00Shh.
04:01Uh.
04:03What time is it, babe?
04:04It's noon, babe.
04:05Oh, it's early.
04:06Is it?
04:07Yeah.
04:08Day's half over.
04:09For you.
04:10God, that's tart.
04:11I'm sorry.
04:12No, no, no.
04:13It means it's working.
04:14Mmm.
04:15Mmm.
04:16So what do you want to do today?
04:17Just thinking we could go for a hike or walk around Sunset Junction and not buy anything.
04:22Someday I am going to buy something at that fucking cheese store.
04:24When we're millionaires.
04:25I visualized that this morning.
04:26Oh, yeah.
04:27And I've visualized something else, too.
04:28What's that?
04:29No.
04:30Oh, you mean, what's that?
04:31No.
04:32No, you mean, what's that?
04:33You mean, what's that?
04:35No.
04:36No.
04:37Oh!
04:38Oh, no.
04:39What's that?
04:40No.
04:41Oh, no.
04:42No.
04:43So what do you want to do today?
04:45Just thinking we could go for a hike or walk around Sunset Junction and not buy
04:48anything.
04:49Someday I am going to buy something at that fucking cheese store, when we're millionaires.
04:50What's that?
04:52We need to spend some time apart.
04:57You mean, like, move out?
04:59No, babe, no.
05:01Like, you just need to get out of the apartment,
05:05without me, for an hour a day, alone.
05:10Ever since I started working weekends
05:12at the landscaping company with you,
05:14we spend like 24 hours a day together,
05:16seven days a week, and I love it.
05:19I just don't love it, like, all the time.
05:23Is this part of your cleanse?
05:25Maybe. Oh, maybe it is.
05:28And we already talked about you not making fun of my cleanse.
05:30I'm not making fun of your cleanse.
05:32I need you to honor my cleanse.
05:33I honor your cleanse, babe.
05:36But I already do leave the house every day.
05:38I get out and I go to work every morning,
05:40and I go to CrossFit every morning before you wake up.
05:42That's great! You can go to CrossFit in the afternoons.
05:44I'm afraid of the instructor in the afternoon.
05:47I just...
05:49I just...
05:50I just...
05:51I need some space, babe.
05:53Okay.
05:55Great.
05:56Sure.
05:57Hey, what do you think about starting now?
06:00Right now.
06:01Huh?
06:04Yeah.
06:05Sure, that's... that's fine.
06:07Um...
06:09Where should I go?
06:10Anywhere you want.
06:12Isn't that fun?
06:15Super fun.
06:18Love you, babe.
06:19Love you, babe.
06:20Think of this part as like a vision quest.
06:27And you have to walk this part of the journey alone.
06:32Right?
06:33Mm-hmm.
06:34All right.
06:35Vision quest.
06:38What?
06:39Mm-hmm.
06:40It's a vision quest.
06:41Was it?
06:42It's a vision quest.
06:43To be a vision quest.
06:45Is it?
06:46Is it about the vision quest?
06:47Is it not enough?
06:48It's about the vision quest.
06:49It's about a vision quest.
06:50It's about a vision quest.
06:52Hey mom.
06:59Hey, let's go and say hi.
07:02Hey dad.
07:05It's Ian.
07:08You're busy too.
07:11Oh yeah.
07:14What's your name?
07:16Hey Dad.
07:19It's Ian.
07:21You're busy too.
07:23Hey grandma.
07:25Hey, wanted to hear about your cruise.
07:29You went to Alaska, right?
07:33Is it cold?
07:35How's my favorite cousin?
07:41I'm back.
07:43How was your intake?
07:47It was so great.
07:51Mwah.
07:53Great.
08:05Morning, babe.
08:07Good to see you in an hour, babe.
08:11Hey mom.
08:21Oh.
08:23Yeah, I guess I did already talk to you today.
08:27What's new?
08:29I'm back.
08:33Woo!
08:35How was your Ian time?
08:37I'm back.
08:39Woo!
08:41How was your Ian time?
08:43I'm back.
08:45Woo!
08:47How was your Ian time?
08:49I'm back.
08:51I'm back.
08:52I'm back.
08:53Woo!
08:54How was your Ian time?
08:55So great.
08:56Cool.
08:57Hey mom.
08:58I'm not in trouble.
08:59I just wanted to say hi.
09:01Well, I don't think it's weird.
09:02I guess the cat's in the cradle, isn't it?
09:07Hey.
09:08Hey.
09:09Hey.
09:10Hey.
09:11Hey mom.
09:12I'm not in trouble.
09:14I just wanted to say hi.
09:16Well, I don't think it's weird.
09:18I guess the cat's in the cradle, isn't it?
09:22Hey.
09:23I know this is kind of random, but uh, what are you doing?
09:41So those are the three main designs I'm working on in terms of patio furniture.
09:46But if you want, I can customize a piece to fit in any space.
09:50Um, if you want to add detail work, we can just figure out a rate based on how many hours
09:53I think it's going to take me.
09:55Cool.
09:56Was there anything you were looking for in particular?
09:59Uh, no, I'm not really looking for patio furniture or anything.
10:03I mean, at least not right now.
10:05Oh.
10:06I thought you were...
10:09Just catching up.
10:12Oh.
10:15Okay.
10:16I thought we sort of had a cool sort of bonding moment last year.
10:22When you were caught fucking my sister's wife?
10:25Yeah.
10:28Look, I'm sorry.
10:29I thought you were maybe looking for something for one of your landscaping clients.
10:33I'll just make a conversation.
10:36Are you coming out to me right now?
10:38Is that what this is?
10:39No.
10:40I mean, I wish.
10:41Me too.
10:42I mean, if I weren't in a relationship.
10:45No.
10:46That's going super well.
10:48You can tell Cal and Tom that things are going really well.
10:52Yeah, we're moving in together.
10:56He's actually talking about having kids, which is weird, but, you know, it's great.
11:01I mean, he makes a ton of money, so...
11:06Why not?
11:07That is great.
11:08Things are going really great with me and Hillary too.
11:10Just like...
11:11Totally great.
11:14Great?
11:16Great?
11:17So, I'm gonna go.
11:21The cat is in the cradle.
11:24What?
11:26I don't know.
11:27No fucking way.
11:32Jezebel.
11:34Do I know you?
11:35No, girl, but I know you.
11:40Mm-hmm.
11:41I'm confused.
11:43Kathy?
11:47Ian.
11:49Hi.
11:53Oh.
11:55This is weird.
11:57Nice to see you.
12:03You two know each other?
12:04Uh, yeah, it's a long story.
12:09You're here!
12:11Yes.
12:12Uh, yeah, I quit cats.
12:14It was time.
12:16That's really great.
12:20Okay, well, I was, uh, I was just hanging out.
12:22Yeah, me too, but, um, what are you doing tomorrow?
12:27Just sitting around my apartment, waiting for Cal to come home.
12:32I, Quincy is basically nocturnal these days, so I don't really have daytime friends.
12:37I don't really have a lot of daytime friends either.
12:41Apparently.
12:44You like coffee?
12:45I love coffee.
12:46I love coffee.
12:47I love coffee.
12:48I love coffee.
12:50I love coffee.
13:07I love coffee.
13:08so you like have a girlfriend now yeah and she's not asian we are so weird i know though actually
13:27it's cal's sister i know yeah you didn't like do that as an act of revenge on me did you no
13:36just sort of happened oh good because that'd be really up of you if you did do it as an act of
13:43revenge because like i don't know if you remember but you kind of sort of broke up with me kind of
13:49yeah actually i mean i think i totally broke up with you yeah exactly it was kind of mutual
13:55but like it felt that way but it was mutual and like i was actually really
13:59a little devastated by it but only for like a minute and then like i was fine
14:08and free and like now i'm so great like i'm over it
14:14you look fine just fine fine you look incredible
14:18i know thank you
14:26actually you look great
14:31so how was your cat's experience oh it was really good you know and it really
14:35has like opened up opportunities for me tv and film and broadway offers and really no
14:43my commercial agent actually dropped me for going out of town and then like
14:52you know like just shitty cities shitty motel rooms with like cigarette burns on all like the
14:58shit stained sheets like i was like dealing with musical theater people like the whole time and then
15:04the director like he totally had a out for me i'm not a dancer i'm an actor who moves
15:10yeah totally yeah and like he wouldn't even respect my process which is how i get into it to make up
15:17for the lack of dancing ability is like character work you know like i studied under meissner's star
15:22students student i mean like i know how to really be a cat and like he didn't respect that so i just
15:30fucking quit i was like see you later quit huh i mean well i was kind of fired after this incident
15:37in reno but i quit right after that just so that i could really squirm over and find a replacement for
15:44me you know teach them a lesson i know but they couldn't even find a replacement for me because you
15:47cannot replace me that is true i know the only thing that would rival my performance as a replacement
15:57would be if they got a real fucking cat that's true exactly yeah and you know i hate that cat like
16:03i hate all cats cat eyes cat piss the cat piss on the cat paws what about cal and tom's cat oh i
16:09fucking hate it oh i love him what do you know about that cat he's sort of staying with us right now
16:15what
16:19well i just nothing i just always thought that i was kind of like a godmother to that cat
16:25and like if cal and tom ever died that cat would have been my burden to bear aren't you allergic
16:33yes and i was ready to resign myself to a life of ocular hemorrhaging and nasal spray
16:41well hey if you want i could totally ask hillary if it's okay for you to come stay with you for a
16:47little while i mean she never feeds him or cleans his litter box gross disgusting no just offer okay well
16:52uh this is me okay all right it was really nice seeing you
17:05okay okay okay okay bye bye
17:11hey do you want to maybe do this again same time tomorrow
17:16yeah same cat time same cat channel
17:36home babe oh shit sorry shoes it's all good
17:39all good all good all good i am centered and ready to accept your presence
17:47awesome
17:56so i sort of need to talk to you about something okay yesterday i sort of ran into kathy at the coffee shop
18:01and today we sort of got coffee as friends oh that's great yeah totally it was really great for
18:12us to get to sort of bury the hatchet and start over as friends i mean she's your brother's best friend
18:16and now that she's gonna be around again i mean she's gonna be around again totally i mean it's a
18:23little weird that you didn't tell me until just now but i'm totally fine with it because you told me
18:30just now totally i totally see that but i did tell you right just now
18:38and tomorrow we sort of made plans to go walk around the reservoir
18:43just like walk around outside in public yeah just like that all right
18:47that okay with you of course i mean why wouldn't i be okay with you hanging out with another asian
18:54girl behind my back especially your ex-girlfriend who you once told me you were hopelessly in love
19:00with i mean why would that even be a thing i can totally cancel no i'm kidding i mean you did break
19:06up with her right you were telling the truth about that yes surprisingly yes okay cool let's have sex
19:15totally normal position honestly i don't understand why i'm the one who has to leave the apartment i mean
19:27i pay for the apartment and i do get out of the house every day i go to work i go to a crossfit you
19:31do you do crossfit yeah there's a box in echo park it's so butch except for the box part that's
19:36what they call it so why do you even agree to this arrangement oh i guess i've always had an issue
19:42with female authority i know i love that about you oh thanks i'll see you later later
20:01so
20:15They're a what?
20:29Walking.
20:30Just like old ladies getting their steps in or something.
20:33Do you think that Ian wants an open relationship?
20:35With you and Kathy?
20:36No, nobody's that crazy.
20:37Oh, God.
20:38I wish I was gay.
20:40Maybe this would work.
20:41Maybe it would even be a turn-on, but I'm not.
20:42I'm not even a little bit bi.
20:44And you know that I've tried.
20:46College doesn't count.
20:46There was that one girl in Portland, but, I mean, she was in college.
20:51Disqualifies it.
20:52Sorry.
20:52That's bi erasure.
20:53Don't bi erase me.
20:54You said you weren't bi.
20:56You bi erased yourself.
20:57And by the way, being gay or bi or pansexual or whatever doesn't make you any more or less
21:01likely to want an open relationship.
21:02Yes, it does.
21:03Definitely.
21:04You are attracted to the same gender as your partner.
21:06That gives you a huge genetic advantage when it comes to opening things up, especially
21:10when it comes to conversion.
21:11Oh, my God.
21:12You've got to stop saying conversion.
21:13Like, seriously.
21:14What's my least favorite thing?
21:15Compersion, compersion, compersion.
21:18God, you're like a slutty cat.
21:20And being gay doesn't mean you don't want white picket fence monogamy.
21:23Ask Douglas and Quincy.
21:25Yeah, I guess you're right.
21:27How come you and Tom don't want white picket fence monogamy?
21:30Because we're big sluts.
21:32Well, there's no shame in that game.
21:34Well, there's a little bit of shame.
21:35Like, none with a bell shame, or...?
21:38Like, we don't always make good decisions, Shane.
21:41Oh, I almost never make good decisions.
21:44We have recently made some not-so-good decisions.
21:47Like what?
21:48You know, I'm going to tactically withhold this information because there's still some things
21:51about my sex life that Mom doesn't know.
21:53No, no, no.
21:54That is not fair.
21:54I told you all about my UTI last week.
21:57And I begged you to stop, Hillary.
21:59Anyway, I've got to go call Kathy.
22:01Do not tell her that I told you.
22:02I don't want her to think that I told you and that I know.
22:04I want them to think that I literally haven't thought about it.
22:08Because it's literally all I can think about.
22:11Yeah, of course, totally.
22:12Why would I ever tell somebody something that you told me in confidence?
22:24So you're not having sex with Ian?
22:26No.
22:27Are you sure?
22:28Trust me.
22:28I would tell you if I was having sex with anyone.
22:30Even though he's dating my sister?
22:32Hey, listen.
22:32I know where your loyalty is lies.
22:34But why didn't you tell me?
22:35You're like breaking fag code.
22:36I know.
22:37I'm sorry.
22:37I just...
22:38I don't even want it to become a thing.
22:40But it is a thing.
22:41How could it not be a thing?
22:42I guess I wanted to pretend it wasn't a thing.
22:45Because the minute it becomes a thing, then it has to be over.
22:48You want him back?
22:50Yes!
22:51I fucking want him back, okay?
22:52Like, I want the whole last year of my life back.
22:56I want to take away all 76 performances of stupid cats.
23:01Every single time I hooked up with a Rob and Tom a Tugger.
23:03I thought you were hooking up with Mr. Mistoffelees.
23:05Yeah, duh.
23:06Of course.
23:06Him too?
23:07Okay.
23:08How was that?
23:10That was tantric.
23:11It was primal.
23:12It was wild.
23:12It was pretty good.
23:13But, like, I would even take that back.
23:15Just to, like...
23:17I don't know.
23:18Make things go back to the way they used to be.
23:21Okay, just don't fuck things up between them, please.
23:23This is the first time in my life that my sister's not been in 24-7 meltdown mode.
23:27Please don't fuck that up for me.
23:29And if this thing explodes, Douglas and Quincy's wedding is going to be so fucking awkward.
23:33It's going to be the fucking red wedding all over again.
23:35Yeah, what about your wedding?
23:37I don't believe in that shit.
23:40Oh, come on.
23:41It would be awesome.
23:42I'll officiate it.
23:43I'll get ordained online.
23:45Only if you do it in full cat's makeup.
23:47Of course.
23:49No, I'm just saying, think about what you want, okay?
23:51Just think about what you really, really want.
23:53I mean, I'll tell you what I want.
23:55What I really, really want.
23:57I want to, I want to.
23:58I want to, I want to.
23:59Stop.
24:00I'm not doing that.
24:01Uh-uh, no, I'm serious.
24:02Hey, I gotta go.
24:03Ian's here.
24:04Don't do it.
24:05Don't have sex with him.
24:06Bad Kathy.
24:07Hey.
24:09Hi.
24:10Um, hold on.
24:11I just gotta send a real quick text.
24:15Okay.
24:16Ready to go?
24:16Yeah.
24:17I'm a lady.
24:19I can't believe they drain a reservoir.
24:32Yeah.
24:32It's so ugly.
24:33It's so empty.
24:35You're supposed to fill it in pretty soon, actually.
24:36Really?
24:37Yeah, I mean, a one-bedroom shack
24:39costs more than half a million dollars around here.
24:41You think the rich people are going to put up with this?
24:42Right.
24:43It's been really nice talking like this.
24:51I mean, I wish it'd have been like this when we were dating.
24:54Yeah, me too.
24:56You had fun, though, right?
24:58I did.
25:01Sometimes.
25:02I had a lot of fun, until I'm not.
25:04Next week, I'm going to ask Hillary to leave the house
25:15so we can take turns being people in the world.
25:17Oh, that sounds fair.
25:20Now, let's wait and see if I actually go through with it.
25:24Well, I am going to miss hanging out with you.
25:28You still can.
25:29I'm not doing it just because I have to.
25:30I know.
25:33I just...
25:34I don't want you to feel obligated.
25:39You're my friend, Kathy.
25:41Or, at least I want you to be.
25:44Good.
25:45Well, in that case, I have something I have to tell you.
25:46What?
25:47I invited Hillary today because as a crazy girl myself,
25:50I know how crazy this must be making her.
25:52Hi!
25:53Hi, Hillary!
25:55Hey, Hillary!
25:56Hey, Hillary!
25:57Woo!
25:58Oh, yeah.
25:59This isn't weird at all.
26:00Why would it be weird?
26:04Please, just don't join forces against me.
26:07No promises, buddy.
26:10Hey!
26:11Woo!
26:11Hello, Hillary!
26:12Girl, so good to see you.
26:14Woo!
26:18Oh, my God!
26:19I love your skirt!
26:20Oh, my God.
26:21I love your whole, like, everything you guys do.
26:23Oh, yeah.
26:23This isn't weird at all.
26:24Is that nail color?
26:25What is that nail color?
26:26I actually mixed this myself.
26:28I'm calling it mellow ever here.
26:29You have to teach me.
26:31Oh, my God.
26:31I'm going to make you a whole body.
26:32Ah!
26:32Ah!
26:33Ah!
26:34Ah!
26:34Ah!
26:35Ah!
26:35Ah!
26:35Ah!
26:36She's the best!
26:37Ah!
26:37Ah!
26:37Ah!
26:38Ah!
26:38Ah!
26:39As long as I remember, there's been dust upon my shelf.
26:53Pictures on the television, I thought I've had something missing.
26:58Oh, ah!
26:58Oh, ah!
27:00Oh, ah!
27:00Oh, ah!
27:01Oh, ah!
27:02As long as I remember, there's been dust upon my shelf.
27:07Pictures on the television.
27:10I've thought I've had something missing.
27:12Oh, ah!
27:14Oh, ah!
27:16Oh, ah!
27:17Oh, ah!
27:18Oh, ah!
27:19Oh, ah!
27:20And in the name of betterment, I've looked everywhere I went for something that was different than the pictures in my head.
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