- 8 months ago
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TVTranscript
00:30Mail shots.
00:43Bloody computers.
00:46I mean, what could I do with an improvement loan?
00:49I live in paradise as it is.
00:52What do you reckon, Gorbachev?
00:57Nothing.
01:00Good morning, Ted.
01:01Or a happy birthday, Ted.
01:04Or did the children remember to send a car to their dear old dad?
01:07No, they didn't. Thanks for asking.
01:10Never have children. That's my advice, Gorby.
01:13Not that there's much fear of that.
01:15You couldn't shut up a bird to save your life.
01:18Too busy crapping all over the place.
01:20Shelly!
01:22Shelly!
01:26Shelly, you haven't done the parrot!
01:29Shelly!
01:32Shelly!
01:33Why should I waste my breath? He won't be up yet. It isn't even dusk.
01:40To hell with you. It's my birthday. I'll do as I please.
01:44I'm going back to bed.
01:46My God. I think we're on a hit list.
01:54Ted?
01:57Ted!
01:57Ted!
02:01Ted!
02:04Where are you?
02:08Where is he?
02:09The coat's still here?
02:12He hasn't taken your cloth off yet, has he?
02:17You vicious little feathered guano factory.
02:23You aware that many of your grey brethren have a pronounced talent for imitating human speech?
02:30You don't even squawk.
02:32I have a nasty suspicion you went to school in Lambeth.
02:35Ted, where are you?
02:43And what's all this then? Do you know what time it is?
02:46I've no idea.
02:48What's going on out there?
02:50It's been like that since eight o'clock.
02:52I don't know how you can sleep through it.
02:54You could spend a fortnight in Beirut and come back refreshed.
03:00So what are you doing lying here?
03:01I'm ill.
03:03You don't look ill.
03:04Allow me to be the judge of that.
03:06I can't move.
03:07I'm stuck.
03:08My back's gone.
03:09I've got a degenerative disc, if that means anything to you.
03:14So what set it off?
03:16Well, I was just about to get up and then I thought, what's the point?
03:19Nothing worth getting up for.
03:21It's not going to make a blind bit of difference to anyone if I don't get up.
03:24Nobody knows I'm here anyway.
03:26I might just as well be dead.
03:28Yes.
03:31What do you mean, yes?
03:32I mean, yes, go on.
03:34So I thought I'd take a leave out of Shelley's book.
03:37I'll have a lie-in and a bit of a read.
03:39And when I leant over to pick my book up, twang.
03:42So, Ted, does this mean you're doomed for a certain term to lie here?
03:47It does indeed.
03:49Helpless?
03:50Mm-hmm.
03:51Totally dependent on the mercy and good nature of others?
03:55Yes.
03:55How are you going to manage then?
03:57Well, I thought perhaps...
03:58Because my holiday starts very soon.
04:00How soon?
04:01Oh, in about seven minutes.
04:03Oh, come on, Shelley.
04:04You're winding me up.
04:05Right.
04:06So do you want me to get the doctor to call?
04:08You can try.
04:10Last time this happened, Helen phoned him, Dr Benson, and he said he'd call.
04:14Nothing.
04:15And I've been back at work three days, and the phone rings, and it's him.
04:19How are you, he says.
04:21I say, I'm fine.
04:23I'm back at work.
04:24Oh, good egg, he says.
04:26I knew it couldn't be anything serious.
04:29So I say to him, you said you'd call.
04:31And he says, what do you think I'm doing now?
04:34I can believe it.
04:36I tell you what, I wouldn't mind some of my painkillers.
04:39They'll know at the surgery.
04:41They're flipping great big things like sidewinder missiles.
04:44Even horses can't cope with them.
04:47How many do you want?
04:48Just enough for an overdose.
04:51Hello, I think I hear a cry for help.
04:53I'm fine, thank you, Shelley.
04:55There's no need to worry about me.
04:56There's no need for anybody to worry about me.
05:00This is the sort of patient you're going to be.
05:02Indulgent, pathetic, oozing with self-pity.
05:06I'm quite enjoying staring at the ceiling, thank you.
05:09I'm making little patterns out of the cracks.
05:11I've found Australia.
05:14And there's a face there somewhere.
05:17Audrey Hepburn.
05:19A little while ago, I saw Audrey Hepburn.
05:22Where?
05:25There.
05:26Next to what could be the Barbican Theatre.
05:28I can't find the Barbican Theatre.
05:34Mind you, nor can anyone else.
05:36Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:38Yeah, well, it could be a face.
05:40I don't think I'd like to call it Audrey Hepburn
05:42and hope to get away without a libel suit.
05:44No, maybe you're right.
05:47No, it's probably all the vibration from the building work.
05:49Looks more like Catherine Hepburn now.
05:51Oh, no, no, no, it's a man's face.
05:53It's, um, politician, you know, the, um...
05:57Well, it'll come to me in a bit.
05:59Right.
05:59I'll go and ring the surgery.
06:02Now, anything I can do for you?
06:04Prop up your pillows, open the window, alter your will?
06:09I'd love a cup of tea.
06:11Oh, would you?
06:12Tea?
06:13Yes, you know.
06:14Hot water, tea bag, cup.
06:17Yes, I know.
06:18And perhaps a bit of toast.
06:20Toast?
06:21Two slices, lightly buttered,
06:23one with thin-cut marmalade.
06:27And could you see if there's any mail?
06:29Er, letters, you mean, that sort of thing?
06:31Yeah, telly messages, cards, that, yes,
06:33and bring them up with you.
06:35Yeah, of course.
06:35So let's see, that's, um, painkillers, tea, toast...
06:39Two slices.
06:41Thin-cut marmalade in the mail.
06:43And it's your turn for the parrot.
06:45So do you.
06:53You took your time?
06:55I did, Ted, I did.
06:57I have been on the telephone to the health centre
06:59for 25 minutes.
07:02Oh, what did they say?
07:03Nothing.
07:04You wouldn't know to look at me,
07:05but I've been held in a queue.
07:08You're cross.
07:09Not at all.
07:11It's my idea of heaven having to listen
07:13to the electronic version of
07:14My Word You Do Look Bad 27 times.
07:18You are cross.
07:19So I am going down there.
07:21I'll get your pills if I have to drag
07:23the doctor out of the pub myself.
07:26There you are.
07:27I think that's the lot.
07:30Where's the post?
07:31Were you expecting something?
07:32Mm, no, I suppose not.
07:33Um, while you're out,
07:36Yes?
07:37I wonder, could you possibly get me some grapes?
07:41Grapes from the greengrocers
07:42or grapes from the off-license?
07:44Just some grapes.
07:47Right.
07:48A large bunch of big black grapes.
07:52Okay.
07:53Seedless.
07:54I'll do that, Ted.
07:55Nice when you're poorly, Graves.
07:58Oh, um,
08:00there's your coat, by the way.
08:02Well, what do I want this for?
08:03Well, I remembered the name of that politician.
08:06You know the one on the ceiling?
08:08Oh, yes, who is he?
08:09Wrap up well, Ted.
08:10It's Roy Hattersley.
08:11Ted?
08:30Ted?
08:30Ted?
08:37Ted?
08:42Now, don't tell me you're sleeping.
08:44I'll come back later.
08:46Is that you, Shelley?
08:51No, it's the foreman at a building site.
08:54We've just locked out in your bathroom wall, Guff,
08:56and I was wondering if I could use the toilet.
08:58Oh, it is you, Shelley.
09:01How'd it go?
09:02Well, it was quite an experience.
09:04Did you see Dr. Benson?
09:06Not exactly.
09:07Dr. Benson retired 18 months ago.
09:10It is a Dr. Gupta now and a Dr. Patel
09:13and a Dr. Singh Poon.
09:17Which one did you see?
09:18None of them. They were all out.
09:21Opted out, probably, on business management
09:23or bookkeeping courses, I shouldn't wonder.
09:26It's all changed, Ted.
09:28You're not a patient anymore. You're a customer.
09:31You take a number and wait for it to flash up on a display.
09:35For all the world, I could have been queuing up
09:37for a quarter of Taramasalata in Tesco.
09:40But what about my pills?
09:43Sorry?
09:44No pills?
09:45Afraid not.
09:47Oh, naive of me, I suppose,
09:49to think that they'd give you drugs for someone else.
09:52Oh, I think they would have, Ted.
09:53I think to avoid actually making a house call,
09:56they would have given me a family pack of LSD.
09:59Anyway,
10:00when I finally got to the receptionist,
10:03she keyed in your details on her wang.
10:10And that's where we hit a bit of a snag.
10:13Tell me.
10:15Well, it's sort of poetic that you're lying down, you see, Ted,
10:18because, well, according to their records,
10:21you died in 1987.
10:23Only you should be eating these,
10:50you know.
10:52How come?
10:53The visitors always eat the grapes
10:55and the patient goes hungry.
10:58That's because the patient is too ill to eat.
11:01You're not too ill to eat, are you, Ted?
11:03I am.
11:04I am ill.
11:06I am.
11:07According to you and Dr Gupta,
11:08my illness has reached its ultimate stage.
11:11Death.
11:14They've got me confused with my Helen.
11:17God rest her.
11:19Don't you think I ought to be able to claim compensation?
11:22What for?
11:23Wrongful dismissal?
11:25It's not right, is it?
11:27Bloody computers.
11:30Makes you feel uneasy.
11:31Mind you,
11:34it might explain the what's-it thingamies.
11:37Not to me it doesn't.
11:39That would be about five years ago.
11:42I'm lost, Ted.
11:43When the what's-it thingamies began to arrive from the health centre.
11:47Huge, great packs of them.
11:49Helen and I just didn't know what to do with them.
11:52But what were they?
11:53Well, they were sort of towely padded things,
11:55the sort of things that you put on babies,
11:59but not for babies, if you call them that.
12:04You mean incontinence pads?
12:07I was trying not to say that.
12:09And be perfectly frank, in front of me, Ted,
12:12I'm practically a candidate for geriatric nappies myself.
12:15Oh, come off it, Shelley.
12:17You don't even draw a pension.
12:18No, but I'm on Social Security.
12:20I'm in training for it.
12:21So you've got these pads?
12:24Yes, yeah, and for a couple of years,
12:26every two or three months, another lot would arrive.
12:29Quite unannounced, we find them on the doorstep.
12:31I thought they were probably for Jack Minns.
12:33He lived next door at the time.
12:35He was a shepherd.
12:39In Streatham?
12:41He was retired.
12:43Oh.
12:44But they weren't for Jack?
12:46No, no, they definitely weren't.
12:47I asked him.
12:49He never spoke to me again.
12:51So what'd you do with them?
12:54Well, I stuffed them under the sink, you know,
12:56you don't like to throw things out.
12:58And then we discovered a use for them.
13:01Yeah?
13:01I used them to lag the loft.
13:06Marvellous insulation,
13:07and they fitted just perfectly between the joists.
13:11It was Helen's idea, actually.
13:13So now, of a winter's night, when I'm nice and cosy,
13:18I think of my Helen still keeping me warm after all these years.
13:25Don't you ever get lonely, Shelley?
13:27Yes, just before I go to sleep and when I wake up.
13:30For 20 minutes in between, you're all right, are you?
13:32I miss my Helen more than I care to admit.
13:38She just spoiled you.
13:39You know nothing about it.
13:41She was wonderful.
13:43If this had happened when she was alive,
13:45she would have looked after me, I can tell you.
13:47She was married to you.
13:49She was a wonderful mother, too.
13:51And she was good about the little things,
13:53like remembering anniversaries
13:55and birthdays.
13:57Does your family remember your birthday?
14:02I don't remember my birthday.
14:05Helen and I, we used to make a lot of birthdays.
14:08We used to have a lot of friends round
14:09and food and drink and a cake.
14:12And then we'd end up
14:13with a nice old sing-song round the piano.
14:16Sing-songs? My God.
14:18Just remembered why I don't remember my birthday.
14:21Young, you're so ungrateful.
14:23Please stop confusing me with the young.
14:27Well, there's nothing at all to be said
14:29for being old, Sheila.
14:30Oh, dear, oh, dear.
14:31I'm going to weep in a minute.
14:32This is most unlike you, Ted.
14:35I keep telling all my friends
14:36how wonderful you are for your age.
14:38Out every night.
14:40At one course or other he is, I say.
14:43Skateboarding, hang gliding.
14:46Sanskrit for businessmen.
14:48You name it, he does it.
14:50Eats like a horse, drinks me under the table
14:52and Warren Beatty's never off the phone
14:54asking him how to improve his sex life.
14:57Oh, sod off, will you, Shirley?
15:00You're not what I need just at the moment.
15:03I could always ring Lord Longford.
15:04No, I'm fine, thank you.
15:07Just left alone, me and me thoughts.
15:09Oh, well, in that case, I'm off down the pub.
15:12Um, do you want me to bring you something back?
15:17No, no, no, no, I mustn't, no.
15:19I'm quite happy, thank you.
15:20I've got me ceiling.
15:23Ted, you know, something worries me.
15:26What?
15:27Well, you have been lying there
15:28since eight o'clock this morning.
15:30You haven't been to the toilet yet.
15:33So?
15:34So I was wondering whether I could fetch you
15:35a little something from the loft.
15:48I'd like half a lager and a warm welcome, please.
15:51Oh, it's you.
15:53In that case, just half long.
15:57Is Ted coming?
15:59No, afraid not.
16:00You'll have to make do with me.
16:02I won't.
16:02All the rest of them are over there.
16:04It's a birthday celebration.
16:06Yeah, they said that about Picasso.
16:08Shelley!
16:09George!
16:10You know, I nearly didn't recognise you
16:12without your safe sex sticker.
16:14What's that supposed to mean?
16:16Do I detect he into jealousy?
16:17No, no.
16:18Don't let me keep you from your giggle of nymphettes, George.
16:21Oh, they're not all mine, you know.
16:23There's plenty to go around.
16:24No, not tonight, thanks.
16:26Well, it's not Lent, is it?
16:28It's all right for you, George.
16:29You're one of the old school.
16:31Oh, am I?
16:32In what way?
16:33Well, you still do it.
16:35You actually do it.
16:37Well, what other way is there?
16:39The modern way.
16:40Agonise about it.
16:41Say it isn't important.
16:43Go on Channel 4 and talk about it,
16:45but don't do it.
16:47Well, somebody's got to do it.
16:49It's just the sort of responsibility
16:51I'm particularly well-equipped to take on.
16:54When I was a painter in Paris,
16:55they used to call me the penis de Milo, you know.
17:03Are you a bit down, old son?
17:05Not especially.
17:06I think you are, you know.
17:08I'll get you a drink.
17:08No, I'm fine.
17:09Against all her better instincts,
17:11Carol served me with half a pint of lager.
17:14Nonsense.
17:14Nobody drinks lager.
17:16That's for darts players and fairies.
17:20Two of your very largest scotches, please, Carol.
17:23Yeah, you're looking very pale.
17:25Do you know that?
17:26Really?
17:26I was down the health centre today,
17:28as a matter of fact.
17:29Oh, yeah.
17:30Not Dr. Gupta.
17:32His aura was present.
17:35Oh, no.
17:36Avoid Dr. Gupta, Shelley.
17:38Actually, it's pretty easy to avoid Dr. Gupta
17:39because he's never there.
17:40I've rechristened him Dr. Locum.
17:45I've been with him two and a half years, you know.
17:47I've only seen him once.
17:49I went with an inflamed testicle.
17:53And, you know, he didn't even want to look at it.
17:55I think I may have misjudged, Dr. Gupta.
18:01What were you there for?
18:02Sleeping pills?
18:03Oh, no, of course, you hardly need those, do you?
18:06No, actually, I was there on Ted's behalf.
18:08Oh, yeah?
18:09What's his trouble?
18:09He's dead.
18:11Oh, yeah.
18:12Well, they can do marvellous things nowadays.
18:17What?
18:18Well, perhaps I should qualify that.
18:20Ted dead?
18:22I mean, how?
18:22When did it happen?
18:23About three years ago.
18:24Is this one of your warped flights of fancy, Shelley?
18:28Because if it is, I don't think it's very funny.
18:30I mean, I enjoy a sick joke as much as the next man,
18:32but not, I think, expensively friends.
18:35And that's what we're all here for.
18:37A bit of priming fluid, then it's all round at Ted's place
18:39to give the old sod a birthday surprise.
18:42His birthday?
18:43Hmm.
18:43Of course it is.
18:45Hey, George, what did Ted die of?
18:47Come on, he goes upstairs over there.
18:50Yeah, but what did he die of?
18:52The Gupta syndrome.
18:53He's computer dead, George.
18:57What's that supposed to be?
18:58Well, about three years ago,
19:00Dr. Gupta's computer decided Ted wasn't the ideal patient
19:03and killed him off.
19:05Oh, I'm with you now.
19:08I knew computers went down.
19:10I didn't realise they took people down with them.
19:11Oh, it's all right, Stella, it's a false alarm.
19:15As you were, folks, false alarm.
19:16Park is on again.
19:17I'm not understanding any of this.
19:20Stella, this is Shelley, the layabout that's lodging with your father.
19:23This is Ted's daughter, Stella.
19:26He's so rude, isn't he?
19:28Take no notice.
19:29No, no, no, he's right.
19:30I am a layabout.
19:31So, you're Ted's daughter.
19:34Pleased to meet you.
19:36So, what was the false alarm?
19:37Oh, it's Shelley's humour, Stella.
19:39It's about as funny as a night out with Nicholas Parsons.
19:44Apparently, Dr. Gupta's software down at the clinic's gone on the blink
19:47and rubbed your poor old dad off the medical register.
19:50Oh, poor old thing.
19:51I wonder what he died of.
19:53Oh, thank you.
19:54Yeah, I suppose that would explain all those what's-it-finger-mizzies he kept getting.
19:58What, the ones in the loft?
20:00Oh, you know about those, do you?
20:02So, our Ted is not well, then?
20:05It's most unlike him.
20:06He's never ill.
20:07Well, he reckons he's slipped a disc.
20:10Oh.
20:11You mean he's feeling sorry for himself.
20:13Yes, he used to try that one on with Mum when he wanted a day off work.
20:17She wasn't having any of it.
20:19He used to try and get her to buy black grapes for him.
20:22Seedless.
20:23Seedless.
20:25Did she?
20:26Oh, no, not ill and not bloody likely.
20:29She was very sharp, that one.
20:32I mean, you'd have to be pretty stupid not to see through a charade like that.
20:36Hey, Shelley.
20:37Quiet.
20:38No, Ted thinks we've forgotten all about him, you see.
20:40I mean, he pretends that birthdays and the like don't matter to him, but underneath he's just a sentimental old tart.
20:48Time's getting on.
20:49You haven't drunk your scotch?
20:50No, no, no, I said I didn't want him.
20:52You're a funny bloke, aren't you?
20:55Right, everybody, let's get out and raid the night away.
20:58Lead on, Shelley.
20:59Ah, no, well, on second thoughts, I think I'll just sit here for a bit if you don't mind, George.
21:04Oh, nonsense.
21:05It's Ted's birthday.
21:06It'll be a riot.
21:07You've got all this booze and food, and later on we'll have a good old sing-song.
21:21Oi!
21:22Crinkle Features!
21:24It's the yellow van, me.
21:25We've come to take you off to the phony farm.
21:29Can you hear me, Grandad?
21:31I know you're in there, you crumbly old goat, because I can smell you.
21:34Get out of here, you riffy old plonker!
21:38Get out of here and show us, you!
21:40I think he's on the move, Gardner.
21:42That was just lovely.
21:44Most tasteful, I thought.
21:46Very poetic.
21:47Yeah, there you are, 50p.
21:49You said a quid.
21:50Well, a bit light on the extenities, I thought, didn't you, George?
21:54I mean, what happened to Betty Bishop's a big pink puff?
21:57And your wife's a whore.
21:59I was looking forward to that.
22:00Anyway, you've got job satisfaction.
22:02Not a lot of people can say that.
22:04Well, you certainly can't.
22:06Yeah.
22:07Well, I'm off, Gov.
22:09What?
22:09Where are you, you loob?
22:12Hello, Ted.
22:13My word, you do look well.
22:20Well, that went better than I thought.
22:23What?
22:23We didn't even have a sing-song.
22:25That's what I mean.
22:27Shall I wake them up?
22:29Who are they?
22:31Well, I thought you knew who they were.
22:33I don't know.
22:34Stella?
22:35No idea.
22:37Well, I hope they know who they are.
22:39Well, I hope they know each other.
22:41They're sleeping together.
22:45How about a nice game of sardines?
22:47It's too late.
22:49It's not even midnight yet.
22:51It's still your birthday, Dad.
22:52Yes, yes.
22:53Well, this is one birthday I would prefer to forget.
22:56No offence to anybody.
22:57This is the dullest party I've ever been to.
22:59No sing-song.
23:00Nobody threw up.
23:03Nobody hit each other.
23:06Did anybody get to go upstairs?
23:08No.
23:09No.
23:10It's disgraceful.
23:12Neighbours didn't even come round to complain about the noise.
23:15There aren't any neighbours.
23:20Lovely food, Stella.
23:22Yes.
23:22Lovely food, Stella.
23:23Yes.
23:24Yes, thank you, Stella.
23:26And thank you, everybody.
23:27It's just...
23:28Just...
23:29Well, it's just me, I suppose.
23:31Somehow, a birthday without Helen just doesn't seem right.
23:34Oh, Dad.
23:35Yeah, well, it's all right for you, Stella, jetting in for the big occasions, but I don't
23:41know.
23:41When I found out that that doctor's computer had killed me off, well, somehow it made me
23:47realise how little we all matter.
23:49Oh, it happens all the time, Ted.
23:52What, twice in one day?
23:54What's happened now?
23:56They say lightning never strikes twice.
23:59This came in the second post.
24:00Oh, I see what you mean.
24:06Well, come on.
24:07Is it bad news?
24:09Well, it depends how you look at it, Stella.
24:12You see, you might have lost a father, but you've gained a mother.
24:17It's Helen's poll tax demand.
24:19Oh, it's Helen's poll tax demand.
24:49Oh, it's Helen's poll tax demand.
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