Complete playlist:
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00A
00:02A
00:04A
00:06A
00:10A
00:12A
00:14A
00:15A
00:17A
00:19A
00:21A
00:23A
00:25A
00:27A
00:29A
00:31A
00:33A
00:35A
00:37A
00:39A
00:41A
00:43A
00:45A
00:47A
00:49A
00:51A
00:53A
00:55A
00:57A
00:59A
01:01A
01:03A
01:05A
01:07A
01:09A
01:11A
01:13A
01:15A
01:17A
01:19A
01:21A
01:23A
01:25A
01:27A
01:29A
01:31A
01:33A
01:35A
01:37A
01:39A
01:41A
01:43A
01:45A
01:47A
01:49A
01:51A
01:53A
01:55A
01:57A
01:59A
02:01A
02:03A
02:05A
02:07A
02:09A
02:11A
02:13A
02:15A
02:17A
02:19A
02:21A
02:23A
02:25A
02:27A
02:29A
02:31A
02:33A
02:35A
02:37A
02:39A
02:41A
02:43A
02:45A
02:47A
02:49A
02:51A
02:53A
02:55A
02:57A
02:59A
03:01A
03:03A
03:05A
03:07A
03:09A
03:11A
03:13A
03:15A
03:17A
03:19A
03:21A
03:23A
03:25A
03:27A
03:29A
03:31A
03:33This is my flat
03:35I think
03:37Where have you been all day?
03:39At work.
03:40Work?
03:41That must be a novel experience for you.
03:43How does it match up to everything you've heard about it?
03:45Oh, it's great.
03:47Today we did one hour of telephone sales,
03:49three hours of public confession,
03:51and four hours of ritualized chanting and singing.
03:56If this doesn't work out, I'm thinking applying for a job in the chorus line of Oklahoma.
04:03Anyway, how was your day?
04:05Lots of lovely gazumping?
04:07Loads.
04:08Then I sold some grannies, ate some children, you know, the usual routine.
04:13It was only marred by one tenant who hasn't paid his rent.
04:17Now, who could that be?
04:18You!
04:19You owe for a month!
04:22If it's not paid tomorrow, I'll be forced to give you two weeks' notice.
04:25Hello, James. Look, it's true what they say. You can eat your dinner off a compact disc.
04:33Why would you want to do that?
04:35Well, um...
04:36Haven't you got any plates?
04:38It's so tough, you see. Look.
04:40Not now, Graham. Adults are talking.
04:45Why are you two in such a bad mood?
04:47Carol's just given me two weeks' notice.
04:50You can't do that to James as if he was just another tenant.
04:53You've got to take your personal relationship with him into account.
04:57In that case, one week's notice.
05:00Wait a minute.
05:01It's all right. I'll be able to pay, provided I stick the job out till tomorrow night.
05:06I get a big bonus after the training period.
05:09But what happened, though?
05:10I thought you came home with a nest egg.
05:12It hatched and flew away.
05:14Why didn't you get a loan from a bank?
05:16Because I'm with a bank that likes to say you must be joking.
05:20In fact, I'm about as popular with banks as Jessie James.
05:22They offer me free pens not to join.
05:26And when I do withdraw some of my pittance, even the computer's sarcastic,
05:30I get automatic till receipts saying,
05:32Now, don't go and spend it all at once.
05:36Still the same.
05:37Never one word where 500 will do.
05:40Phil!
05:41I didn't know you were visiting Britain.
05:43Hello, shall we?
05:45Come in. This is Phil Ferguson, who I used to know in Kuwait.
05:48Meet my landlords, the Rachmans.
05:50Trying to get a job in the diplomatic corps, I see.
05:54I'm sorry about Shelley.
05:56You call him Shelley rather than James?
05:58Is that how he was known in Kuwait?
06:00No, it was generally you mouthy git.
06:04Save us here, then.
06:05Come on, Graham.
06:06It was a pleasure meeting the both of you.
06:09Are you sure you're a friend of Shelley's?
06:12Yes, why?
06:13It's just...
06:15You appear to have good manners.
06:17He's just trying to make up for being an American.
06:22Bye.
06:24Isn't it nasty?
06:25All that boot polish on your tongue?
06:27Oh, Byron being pleasant.
06:29She's a very attractive woman.
06:31Don't even think about it.
06:33I only said she was attractive.
06:34I know you.
06:36The eyes are only a reconnaissance patrol for the groin.
06:40It's good to see you, Shelley.
06:43And you.
06:44Fancy a drink?
06:45Oh, champagne to celebrate?
06:46This isn't the Ritz.
06:47Okay, nice burgundy.
06:49I have a half-finished can of Sainsbury's lager.
06:52Sounds great.
06:53You know me, start with high standards and drop slowly.
06:56Is that why you're visiting Britain?
06:58Yeah, that's why I'm visiting you.
07:00Anyhow, I'm not visiting Britain.
07:02I'm here to work.
07:03I get tired of living somewhere.
07:05We need air conditioning in every room to stop your blood boiling.
07:08Oh, well, you'll find we have our own air conditioning here.
07:11It's called the British weather.
07:13Very effective.
07:14See, it stops the temperature ever getting too high, even in summer.
07:18Then three days above 65, we call it a heat wave,
07:21baste ourselves in the sun like chickens and turn pillar box red.
07:26Sounds great.
07:27Why did you really leave Q8, by the way?
07:31What?
07:32I don't know you.
07:34There was something of a diplomatic incident.
07:36And this diplomatic incident, what was she called?
07:40Layla.
07:42He had three wives, so I didn't think you'd miss one.
07:4748 hours notice to quit.
07:4924.
07:51So an improvement on Bahrain, then.
07:54I'm surprised you're not on the immigration blacklist
07:57of more countries than Carlos the Jekyll.
08:00You're exaggerating again.
08:01I mean, deep down, I just want to be a family man.
08:03Yes, other people's families.
08:06Hasn't anyone told you sex is like flared trousers?
08:10It's gone out of fashion.
08:13It's listed as a dangerous sport now.
08:15You know, that's something I've been meaning to ask you.
08:17Something I saw at the airport here in Britain.
08:19Why are condoms produced by a company called Virgin?
08:24It's a long story.
08:30Well, then tell me over a drink.
08:33This isn't exactly a typical pub, is it?
08:37No.
08:38They passed a by-law banning them from the area for not being trendy enough.
08:42Now, what are you drinking?
08:43Oh, I'll get this one.
08:44Oh, thanks.
08:45But first you'll have to lend me some money.
08:48Now, explain something to me.
08:50I'm obviously a bit thick here, but I mean, what is the difference between me buying a drink
08:55and me giving you money to buy me a drink?
08:57Well, this way you get the next round.
08:59Oh, come on, Shelley.
09:00I just need 50 pounds to tide me over.
09:0350 pounds?
09:04I'm brassic.
09:05You're what?
09:06Brassic lint.
09:08Oh, right.
09:09Sure.
09:10Great.
09:11Yeah.
09:12Brassic lint.
09:13Yeah, now it all makes sense.
09:14It's rhyming slang.
09:15Brassic lint skint.
09:17I'm skint.
09:18All right?
09:19Oh, sure.
09:21But what does skint mean?
09:23I have no money.
09:25Oh, why don't you say so?
09:26Well, just let me 20 then.
09:28Come on, I had a bit of bad luck gambling.
09:30The horses?
09:31No, the frogs.
09:35The frogs?
09:36You know how bored all the ex-pats get.
09:38So somebody decided to hold a frog derby.
09:40See which frog could jump furthest.
09:43I think Ladbrooks had caught on to that one, yeah.
09:46How much did she lose?
09:47Oh, about a thousand bucks.
09:49On a frog?
09:51Actually, I think it might have been a toad.
09:53Oh, that's all right then.
09:55I don't know what went wrong.
09:57Well, Wyman was a great little jumper.
09:59Wyman?
10:01That's what the Brits christened him.
10:03After Bill Wyman.
10:06He had rather strong sexual urges.
10:10You two should have got on well then.
10:13You see, Wyman and his lady friend used to continue hopping around
10:16even when engaged in sexual congress.
10:19That never came out in the papers.
10:23The frog, Shelley, the frog.
10:26Anyway, in the Q8 gold cup he let us down.
10:29I think he was nobbled.
10:31Maybe someone fed him lead-weighted flies.
10:34Anyhow, it was only a thousand dollars. Easy come, easy go.
10:37He's obscene.
10:38There's no point in getting uptight.
10:40Uptight?
10:41You're so relaxed I'm surprised you don't fall over.
10:44It's always worried me someone like you will one day become a world leader.
10:48It'll be, oh dear, I've just hit the wrong button.
10:50I've destroyed civilization as we know it.
10:53And the United States.
10:54Millions will be dead.
10:55The world will be a radioactive desert, but never mind.
10:58We've still time for a swift pint.
11:00A quick game of darts.
11:01Lemme some money, I'll buy you a drink.
11:04Sounds good to me.
11:05And talking of lending money.
11:08Look, I'll get an advance from my company soon.
11:10But for the moment, I'm boracic gauze.
11:12Lint.
11:14Yeah, sure, yeah.
11:15Come on, you know if I had the cash, I'd give it to you.
11:18Yes.
11:19You probably would.
11:22Ten.
11:23Well, I need it back.
11:24No problem.
11:25You worry too much.
11:26With you around, someone has to.
11:28Anyhow, look at it this way.
11:29At least with me, you know where you stand.
11:31Usually over a precipice.
11:33Oh no, quick, pretend we're not here.
11:35Carol and Graham.
11:37Why, don't you like that?
11:39Between them, they combine the killer instincts of an anaconda
11:43with the intellectual prowess of a wombat.
11:46In other words, they're younger, fitter and richer than me.
11:49What scumbags.
11:51Hello.
11:52Hello again.
11:53Oh God, you look stunning in that dress.
11:56Shelley, you've let me down.
11:57Why'd you never tell me that English women were so beautiful?
12:00Because you were too busy bonking French, German, Canadian, Australian, Arabic, Indonesian,
12:06and Italian ones.
12:09Thanks, Shelley.
12:11Thanks a lot.
12:13What are you doing here anyway, James?
12:16I'm practising hang gliding.
12:18What do you think I'm doing?
12:19I'm going to have a drink.
12:20I thought you were broke.
12:21Ah, well I'm...
12:22It's alright.
12:23This round's on me.
12:24This round's on me.
12:25I could use another coffee.
12:37What for?
12:38Drinking.
12:39Then you're in luck.
12:40There's a cafe by the tube station that stays open till twelve.
12:44Hmm.
12:45I thought we were going to have a talk.
12:46I know your talks.
12:47They last until 4am and involve a lot of bourbon and a man with a pneumatic drill in your
12:52head the next morning.
12:54Sorry, I've got to be up on time tomorrow.
13:08What are you doing?
13:10The most awful, degrading, demeaning job in the world.
13:15in the world you've become a journalist I'm selling advertising by phone they're
13:23fanatics I think next they'll be employing Iranian fundamentalist
13:28salespersons death or a 13-week series place an ad with us and we'll shoot your
13:34granny anyway you're supposed to get up now and say you must be going the sofa
13:42looks comfortable good for someone to sleep on yes me it's my bed you've got a
13:48hotel to go to bad news Shelley I don't you wouldn't let an old friend freeze to
13:52death on a park bench would you of course not some old newspapers there yes all
13:59right you can stay thanks I came to you straight from the airport you are the
14:04first friend I thought of when I arrived how many people do you know in Britain
14:07just you really apart from an ex-wife but she doesn't really count Sally is this
14:13no my second wife Donna I thought that was Karen no she was third Phil you leave
14:20wives behind like most people leave litter they're on special offers so I got three
14:25how's your ex-wife oh France fine thinking of becoming a Canadian citizen
14:31where she live Madagascar all right all right my baggage got lost by the way well
14:40of course it did you've been on an airline flight any idea where it's ended up
14:43Adelaide Buenos Aires Vladivostok Birmingham oh that's not too bad
14:49Birmingham Alabama when I arrived back mine went to Madrid where some Spanish
14:56baggage handler decided to steal all my clothes strange I always thought the Spanish
15:01were quite fashion conscious don't bite the hand that feeds you now anything
15:07you need no nothing no I got the essentials in my hand luggage all I need so I
15:13see yeah that's for you and don't worry Shelly you won't notice me after I've been
15:19here a few days
15:23hold it what exactly do you mean by a few days I remember in Q8 when you nip around a
15:30Bob's for a few minutes to borrow a bottle opener and you still hadn't moved out two years later
15:35well he had his spare room before you arrived he did before you arrived he had a wife as well
15:42loosen up James I'm just a guy who likes a good time so was Charles Manson
15:47it worries me having to share this flat with someone more untidy unreliable and irresponsible than myself
15:57I'll get confused
15:59let's have a drink and talk it over no I've got to be up at seven tomorrow
16:03okay and Shelly seeing as you got this job and you got to get up early and well you're a touch worried about my staying
16:11I'm gonna make a big concession yes you can have the bed
16:24morning hi you want a coffee cheers
16:31god what's the time about 11
16:33what happened to the alarm clock oh it's fine I was ticking so loudly in the night it kept me awake so I
16:43pushed it under a cushion
16:48is there a problem you just lost me my job
16:52well that's all right you said last night you hated it
16:54Phil how does it feel to have all the common sense of an amoeba you
16:58you you back you numbskull you you're angry aren't you well
17:09okay okay I'm sorry look they probably won't fire you you just need a good excuse
17:15how about I'm sharing my flat with a moron I'll tell you what I always used to say oh look I'm sorry
17:20I'm late but next door's pet hamster escaped and gnawed through the electric cord on my alarm clock
17:26and then everybody says it must be true nobody could possibly make up an excuse like that
17:31it always works it did what remember that day I had to wait three hours for you to open the office
17:40in q8 ah that day was 110 degrees um in the shade
17:46that was the excuse you used then you even got me to contribute to a fund for a replacement hamster
17:59I told you it worked oh by the way your shirt's buttoned up wrong but perhaps you don't want to know
18:05that they're gonna fire me because of you well I tell you what I got the solution what forget about the
18:11job and come to the races with me come on I've always wanted to see ask that don't bother they
18:15don't race frogs there shall I take that as a no
18:23a friend hid your clock yes because it was ticking I thought clocks were supposed to do that
18:30look do you honestly expect me to believe all this would you believe me if I said a hamster had
18:36gnawed through the clock's cord well I don't suppose anyone would make up an excuse like that
18:42right well I would have been on time only this hamster James it's too late now I couldn't change
18:48my mind even if I wanted to you've been terminated by the computer what do you mean by the computer
18:55you had to program it I think computers are catching on not because they're more efficient but because they
19:02provide better excuses sorry the gas fits had turned up three years nine months late only the
19:08computer got it wrong sorry we amputated the wrong leg mr shelley just a computer error good job it didn't
19:15happen earlier hitler would have probably got off world war ii scot-free on the grounds that someone put
19:21the invade poland floppy disk into his wang by mistake
19:28see how persuasive you could have been i look on your dismissal with great personal disappointment
19:34i'm not too chuffed myself i think the mistake was trying to retrain you i blame the computer
19:41it's so much harder at your age oh yes us old chaps picked up a few bad habits in the boer war
19:47that's the way you spell brain death thank you for firing me in time you just weren't made for this
20:05job perhaps you should have been a social worker naturally and of course the chance would have come
20:10in really useful for the terminally depressed and suicidal str e double s that's the way you spell
20:18stress you've gone down like a bomb very good very good thank you very much and james
20:26did you know your shirt was buttoned up wrongly yes don't believe a word of it
20:40oh sorry i thought i lived here james where you been looking for a job gosh that's keen you've
20:51already got one not anymore i haven't i've been fired why was that because i went to this party in
20:57kuwait kuwait hmm where i met someone called phil who two years later traveled the 3 000 miles to
21:04london especially to sabotage my efforts to earn a living yes sorry about the part james but did
21:11you have any luck on the job front yes i was too late for a job as a traffic warden in fact i just
21:18missed everything i went for an interview as a british telecom operator only they decided i was over
21:24qualified how i was still alive because i have a degree in geography they don't like to give you
21:33manual work if you've got a degree i mean i keep telling them i'm used to jobs where you don't
21:37have to use your brain i worked in advertising for six months but they won't listen so try for a job
21:44where they need qualifications i never have the right ones anyway all this means carol that you might as
21:51well throw me out as i don't have the money for the rent that doesn't matter now pardon that doesn't
21:59matter now graham quick call an ambulance who for carol i could have sworn she said it doesn't matter
22:06she must be suffering from brain fever no no it's all right you see oh come on graham let them sort
22:12it out among themselves we've got that estate agent's dinner to go to presumably they take 10 percent of
22:19your portion before you get it yes very amusing you're sure you're all right fine come along graham
22:29yes graham home now look james be nice to her she'll give you a doggy choc don't listen to him graham
22:38bye shelly now what's wrong carol's being nice to me after good news when are you moving out
22:46i've given carol two weeks rent for you where'd you get the money well i got 50 pounds off the
22:51airlines for the lost cases and then i invested it invested yeah 330 at ascot picked a winner
22:59i know how to recognize a horse that's useful to ask it because there half the people look like one
23:07i appreciate this phil and i uh promise i'll pay you back i don't know you don't have to know as i
23:15reckon it two weeks rent means i can stay here for four weeks great huh great you don't happen to
23:22know the samaritan's phone number off hand do you
23:36know the answer and that's okay thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you