- 8 months ago
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TVTranscript
00:00Piano music
00:30How's you?
00:45I'm all right.
00:47You slept well.
00:48I know.
00:49I want to be laying next to you.
00:51And I want to cuddle.
00:52Thank God.
00:53Thought you'd gone off all that.
00:56I was beginning to think about a bit on the side.
00:58On the side's the only way we can these days.
01:06What you got those old clothes on for?
01:09Oh, God.
01:10Down to earth.
01:11You're going to sign on?
01:13Yep.
01:14I'd momentarily forgotten our new address.
01:16What?
01:17Queer Street.
01:18Certainly a densely populated location these days.
01:22What are we going to do, Shelley?
01:24What, now I'm out of work and we owe everyone a fortune?
01:26Beautifully put.
01:27Well, there's lots of things we can do.
01:28Like what?
01:30Starve.
01:31Jump under a bus.
01:32Borrow teacher self-bank robbing from the library.
01:35I'm going to have a little cry now.
01:37Yes, you have a little cry, love.
01:39Do me good.
01:41Why do people always say that?
01:43Running away from things and crying that causes all the trouble in the world.
01:47Why do you have to come up with your observations on life before breakfast?
01:51I don't know.
01:52It's a dreadful habit.
01:53Look, don't worry.
01:54I've had a month's pay.
01:55All I've got to do is find a job in a month.
01:57There's more than two million people saying that.
01:59Shut up.
01:59And there's more every day.
02:01We'll be all right.
02:02They all start out saying that.
02:03I will get a job.
02:05I know, I know.
02:06But what about the people who can't?
02:08Oh, come on, friend.
02:09You know I can't face facts.
02:11You've always promised to keep the truth from me.
02:13I know, love, I know.
02:17Don't you worry about the unemployed.
02:19No one else does.
02:21Well, time to park you at Mrs. H's.
02:23You are brave going back to West Hampstead Labour Exchange.
02:26Why?
02:27Why?
02:28You signed on there for years.
02:30They'll send you up gutless.
02:31I've got my file there.
02:32It'll be much quicker.
02:34Besides, experience has taught me that with the likes of Clement Jones and Mustafa Aziz,
02:40I can hold my own.
02:53Shelley.
02:54Oscar.
02:54How are you?
02:55In the pink, man.
02:57In the pink.
02:58Or at any rate, in the dark brownie pink.
03:02You've been working?
03:03Well, just for a bit.
03:04I thought it was against your religion.
03:06Oh, don't you start, for God's sake.
03:08I'm in for plenty of that as it is.
03:10How about you?
03:11Anything decent lined up?
03:12Nah.
03:13Hard times, eh?
03:14I'm thinking of taking up mugging.
03:16Well, you got the bill for it.
03:18Well, you know what the lady says.
03:20Move to where the work is.
03:21Where is that exactly?
03:22Japan.
03:23Western Germany.
03:25Who's in residence?
03:26Jones and Aziz.
03:27Oh, as I feared.
03:28Well, I'm about to ruin Jones' day.
03:31Don't you believe it, man.
03:32He's missed you.
03:33Like toothache?
03:34No, man.
03:35He needs you.
03:35It's like Holmes and Moriarty.
03:37You're a folk hero here.
03:38I reckon Jones sees himself as Atahualpa to your Pizarro.
03:44Kind of McEnroe to your borg.
03:46Why does he take it so personally?
03:47Because you could get a job.
03:49But I'm a very special case, Oscar.
03:51You know that.
03:52Why?
03:52I'm very, very lazy.
03:55I don't know why everyone laughs when I say that.
03:57I find work very distressing.
03:59It's called ergophobia.
04:01It's a handicap.
04:02I should have a pension and a three-wheel car.
04:05At a time when the nation is calling for redundancies,
04:07here I am, a volunteer.
04:10Except now, that is.
04:11Huh?
04:11Right now, I want a job.
04:13You're kidding me?
04:14No.
04:14Hey, that'll freak out Jones and Aziz.
04:16Well, I will see you, Oscar.
04:19Wish me luck.
04:20Try, Shelley.
04:25Good morning, Mr Jones.
04:27Mr Aziz.
04:29Mr Shelley.
04:31Mr Shelley.
04:32Nice to be remembered.
04:34We couldn't forget you, Mr Shelley.
04:37Our best customer.
04:38Place hasn't been the same.
04:40Hmm.
04:42It's only 11 in the morning, Mr Shelley.
04:43What gets you out of bed at this time?
04:45Well, I thought I'd make an early start.
04:47Get a full day scrounging in.
04:48You know, it's always a bit of a job.
04:50Me registering.
04:52Benefit section.
04:53Professional executive.
04:54Social security.
04:55You could do one a day.
04:56Spread the load a bit.
04:58Yes, well, I'd like to get it all behind me today, if possible.
05:00You're a pro.
05:02Dedicated.
05:03Nice to be appreciated.
05:04So, what would you like from us?
05:07Sedan chair.
05:08Home help.
05:09Meals on wheels.
05:11I'm looking for work.
05:15No, no, mate.
05:16No, you can do that in South Wales.
05:19Humberside and Liverpool.
05:20Round here, you run a very real risk of finding it.
05:26I can't find his file under closed claims.
05:29No, I've got Mr Shelley on hold.
05:33Boss.
05:35What sort of job had you in mind?
05:38Oh, I don't know.
05:39Test pilot for Slumberland, perhaps?
05:40Nothing with, um, too much work attached.
05:43That's it.
05:44Local government, maybe.
05:45Civil service, you know.
05:47Why not call yourself a car worker?
05:49You would be made redundant before you start.
05:52What was wrong with the job you had?
05:54Didn't see it.
05:55Work involved, was there?
05:57Have to start before lunch, did you?
05:59Yes, that sort of thing.
06:01Well, here's an old friend.
06:04What a tale this tells, eh?
06:07A story of James Shelley, a life on the ear roll.
06:10My word, it goes back.
06:12Here it is, history, year one.
06:14First registered, Chelsea Labour Exchange.
06:17Transferred to Kilburn, from Kilburn to Richmond, from Richmond to Brighton, from Brighton to Chadwick Street, from Chadwick Street to hear my word.
06:24Why did you transfer to Brighton?
06:29The weather was nice, I remember.
06:31You took a holiday?
06:33Well, I like to get away when I can.
06:35Did you have a nice time?
06:36Quiet, you know, just took it steady.
06:38Doesn't do to wear yourself out.
06:39That's my motto.
06:40Tell me something, the Social Security will pay my mortgage, won't they?
06:44They'll pay the interest on a mortgage, yes.
06:47You've got a mortgage?
06:48Brand new one.
06:49So, it's practically all interest.
06:51You are buying a house on the dole?
06:55Well, it seems the most sensible way to go about it, wouldn't you say?
06:59Holidays, houses, anything else the state can get you?
07:02A little car, perhaps?
07:03Has your house got a swimming pool at all?
07:06My God, when I think of the state of this country, two million unemployed.
07:09Oh, more than that, and rising fast.
07:12Another 50 or so jobs lost while I've been whiling away the time, pleasantly chatting to you.
07:16Reminds me, Mr Jones, something I've always wanted to ask you.
07:19What's that?
07:20Well, did you know, all those years ago, or was there an element of luck?
07:25Tell me the truth.
07:26Know what?
07:27Well, I gather you chose your career just as Britain was about to abandon itself to the orgasm of the 60s.
07:32Eh?
07:33When we never had it so good.
07:34I bet you took some stick in those days.
07:37Where's the future in that?
07:38People asked, sniggering up their sleeves at you as they went into industry in the private sector.
07:43But you've had the last laugh.
07:44Just filling the C-13, Mr Shelley.
07:46You look to the future.
07:47Unemployment, you said.
07:48That's the way ahead.
07:50Now, while the rest of us tumble down the slippery slope to oblivion, you and the official receiver are lords of the earth.
07:57The two horsemen of the apocalypse.
07:59Mr Shelley!
07:59You're in Britain's number one growth industry, Mr Jones.
08:03And you got in on the ground floor.
08:05I take my hat off to you.
08:06You show a shrewdness and judgment all too lacking in our captains of industry.
08:10You've got vision.
08:11Just fill in the form.
08:12Get the sack, did you?
08:17I was a voluntary redundancy.
08:20I'll have a B-1, please.
08:21Fulham DHSS for me.
08:24Why isn't this place a poncy job, sir?
08:27Eh?
08:27Where's the plastic sign?
08:29The melamine desks, the acrylic shag pile.
08:32Been passed over, have you?
08:33Well, they're cutting back and all that.
08:34God, look at it.
08:37It's like a carzy.
08:40What an image of Britain, a run-down dole office.
08:43Time was when I was proud to sponge off this country.
08:47Now we're all but down the plug hole.
08:48Well, things are going to get better in a year or two.
08:50Of course, I forgot.
08:53You see, I've no excuse for forgetting that.
08:56Once this recession is over, there are good times just around the corner.
08:59God knows the politicians have told me often enough over the years.
09:03No doubt that's how you cheer up your 4,000 claimants.
09:06Well, it's 5,000 now.
09:08Professional and executive next door.
09:11Bye for now, Mr Jones.
09:12Anything wrong?
09:17Ah, um, well, I'm not terribly au fait with all this.
09:22And, uh, actually, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next.
09:26Now, I've just signed forms here.
09:29Yes, you want professional and executive.
09:31Do I?
09:31Oh, yes.
09:32We preserve a decent class distinction even here.
09:35Come with me.
09:35Oh, did you get a B1?
09:39No, I don't think so.
09:40Mr Jones.
09:41Yes?
09:42Why didn't you give Mr Humphreys a B1?
09:47We didn't ask for one.
09:49Of course he didn't ask for one.
09:51Do you suppose we're born with the ability to claim supplementary benefit?
09:55It is learned.
09:57It is an acquired skill.
09:58And we look to you for guidance.
10:01That's your job.
10:02To lead us gently to our allotted gyros.
10:05The only subject that needs to be taught in this country,
10:07claiming the dole, and no one's doing it.
10:09You should set up special schools.
10:11You could be the headmaster.
10:12You must know more about the welfare state than anyone.
10:15Do you know what they say about the welfare state?
10:17What?
10:18That nobody starves in this country?
10:19That's right.
10:20Well, I give it about a year.
10:22Now, we hand in our forms here and wait.
10:34No one tells you this.
10:35If you don't hand your form in, you'll wait forever and in vain.
10:38Many do this.
10:40Doubtless some of these people have already passed away.
10:44The emotionless greyness passing unnoticed in the general gloom.
10:48Thank you, Mr. Shelley, Mr. Humphries.
10:55Take a seat, please.
10:56Oh, I say, I've got an interview for a job this afternoon,
10:59so if there's any chance of speeding things up, I'd be obliged.
11:02Mr. Shelley.
11:04I see.
11:05Take a seat, please, Mr. Shelley.
11:09Very kind of you to be so helpful.
11:11Not at all.
11:12What's the job you're after?
11:21Oh, nothing.
11:22I made that up.
11:23It's the golden reason if you want them to get a move on.
11:26You see, they have to respect that.
11:27It's their raison d'etre.
11:29I'd have done the same for you, but it, well, it would have been pushing it a bit,
11:32and when it comes down to it, I always look after number one.
11:35Mr. Ross, cubicle one, please.
11:39Have you been out of work before?
11:41Oh, no.
11:42No, I've been with the firm for 30 years.
11:46Now it's gone bankrupt.
11:47Oh, that's very much the thing nowadays, bankruptcy.
11:50It used to be all inflation and unemployment.
11:52Now bankruptcy's all the rage.
11:55It's bound to happen, of course.
11:56Is it?
11:56Oh, yes.
11:57In a country made of coal, surrounded by fish,
12:00and swimming in oil and trading experience.
12:02What else do you expect?
12:03Well, exactly.
12:05Decline.
12:08Now, what sort of line are you in, Mr. Shelley?
12:11I'm a social security scrounger.
12:13Really?
12:14Oh, yes.
12:15You'll have read all about me in the Sunday papers.
12:17Smothered in coloured television sets, free furniture, hundreds of pounds a week,
12:21and long holidays in Tenerife.
12:22I take it it's not like that?
12:24No.
12:24No, I'm afraid it isn't.
12:27The irony is I'd give anything for a job right now, and there's none about.
12:30Mr. Shelley, cubicle two, please.
12:33I'm looking forward to this.
12:35Why?
12:36Well, I've been through these interviews many times before,
12:39but this is the first time I've actually been looking for work.
12:42Wish me luck.
12:43Take a seat, Mr. Shelley.
13:04Thanks.
13:05Good God.
13:35Well, I took you to Brighton.
13:48Fancy the holiday, did you?
13:50Yes, that's right.
13:51The weather was nice, and I took it steady.
13:55You seem to have eluded employment for years.
13:58Oh, it's nothing, really.
14:00And you've got a degree.
14:02They're not connected.
14:03You don't have to have a degree to be on the dole.
14:09I'm sure it gave me no special advantages.
14:12But now you're looking for work.
14:14That's right.
14:15Had a vision, have you?
14:18Angel of the Lord dropped in, has he?
14:22Look, what is this?
14:23Opportunity knocks?
14:24There's more comedians here than the House of Commons.
14:32Now, you've just been working for Harper Mackintosh.
14:35That's right.
14:36For how long?
14:37Thirteen weeks.
14:38And before that?
14:39The Victory Pub.
14:40For?
14:40Two weeks.
14:42Any other employment at all?
14:44I was a bean packer once.
14:46For five weeks.
14:48You obviously don't like to get stuck in a rut.
14:49It says here, preferred profession poet.
15:02That's right.
15:04You've ever been employed as a poet?
15:06Oh, yes.
15:07Who by?
15:08The Fairy Queen.
15:10It's the name of a magazine.
15:12How long for?
15:15A week.
15:17So it wasn't one of your longest stints?
15:20Alas, no.
15:22Now, how many poems did you produce in this week?
15:26Two.
15:26Two?
15:27Mm-hm.
15:27Were you paid a salary?
15:28Oh, no.
15:29It was piecework.
15:30I was paid by the poem.
15:32I see.
15:32How much?
15:33A pound.
15:36One pound?
15:38Each.
15:39They wanted them badly.
15:41And on the strength of this, you entered your profession as poet?
15:45Well, it's what I'd like most to do.
15:47What, write two poems a week?
15:48Yes.
15:50As long as they're short ones.
15:53Look, I am looking for work now.
15:56Any decent job.
15:58Alas, Mr Shelley, they are now in the region of two million unemployed.
16:02And rising fast.
16:03What exactly?
16:04Still, let's look on the bright side.
16:06We're in the golden triangle of south-east England.
16:08I'm white, male, and middle-class, and fully prepared to push home those advantages.
16:13I've got a terrific academic record, and I'm reasonably skilled at conning people.
16:17Should be a dot.
16:18What about your employment record?
16:22What employment record?
16:24Well, exactly.
16:25You're nearly 30.
16:27And you've hardly ever worked.
16:28What do you intend telling an employer about that?
16:30I intend lying.
16:32What would you do?
16:32I wouldn't get myself in your position in the first place.
16:38Now, that, if I may say so, Mr...
16:40Parsons.
16:41Mr Parsons is typical.
16:42It epitomises the plight of our once proud nation.
16:46What?
16:46If we all spent a bit more time dealing with a situation as it is, and a lot less wishing
16:50we weren't in it in the first place, we might get something done.
16:54Now, will you help me, or won't you?
16:57Do I detect a dash of the colourful, buccaneering spirit we all associate with government departments?
17:03Or don't I?
17:09How long have you had this mortgage?
17:11A few weeks.
17:12Oh, you've just got it.
17:12Now you'd like us to pay it.
17:13Look, you don't want to help me find a job, and you don't like me being on the dole.
17:19You're a very difficult man to please, Mr Parsons.
17:22I'm just not enamoured of people who make a career of being unemployed.
17:26Yes, well, brace yourself, because that'll be half the nation before you're claiming your bid.
17:31Apparently you've got an interview for a job this afternoon.
17:34What's that for?
17:35Nothing.
17:35I made that up to get in to see you quicker.
17:38If I'd known what it was going to be like, I wouldn't have been so eager.
17:41So you're doing nothing this afternoon?
17:43I'm going to the Social Security.
17:46Today's nothing but a giddy whirl of social engagements.
18:01Mr James Shelley, number five, please.
18:03James Shelley, 14 Cosway Road, SW6, married.
18:18Mrs Shelley pregnant?
18:19Yes.
18:20Got your rent book?
18:22Er, mortgage details, last pay slip, Sadie's book.
18:27Mm-hm.
18:29Famed supplementary benefit before?
18:31About four months ago.
18:33What office?
18:34West Hampstead.
18:35Ever claimed anywhere else?
18:37Harlsdon, Richmond.
18:39Er, Brighton, Marylebone.
18:43Brighton?
18:44I fancied a holiday.
18:45Well, they keep fine for you.
18:51No, absolutely.
18:52I used up all my Umbra Solaire vouchers.
18:59This mortgage is new.
19:02You've been out of work nearly all your working life.
19:06Non-working life.
19:07You disabled in some way.
19:09Well, I am ex...
19:10I am extremely lazy.
19:14You are looking for work now.
19:16Indeed I am.
19:17You're going to make a little joke now.
19:20Joke?
19:21Yes.
19:21There's two things they always do at this point.
19:23Joke?
19:24In my experience.
19:25Do you know how many people are unemployed in this country?
19:29That's the other thing they always do.
19:30Over two million.
19:31And rising fast.
19:33I don't actually find that prime material for jokes.
19:36Well, I couldn't agree more.
19:37At the Labour Exchange, they're cracking away like Ken Dodd on a trip.
19:43You got this mortgage while you could, and now you'd like the state to pay it?
19:46Oh, I've been through this three times now.
19:49If you lot got together, we could have even more unemployment.
19:52Look, I didn't plan it this way, and yes, I am looking for work now.
19:56Yes, well, the way things are, you're probably safe.
20:00That's not my fault.
20:01We've got the worst recession since the 30s.
20:05You'd have known about hard times in the 30s, Mr Shelley.
20:08Never mind claiming holidays and mortgages.
20:11You wouldn't have had enough food to eat.
20:16Um, look, I don't want to hurry you,
20:18but I did hear of some reconditioned clog irons going cheap.
20:23What?
20:23While I was down the slag heap, breveting for bits of coal.
20:26Only they'd be very handy on the walk back to Jarrow.
20:30So, er, if you could, just chivvy it along a bit.
20:32What on earth are you talking about?
20:34Well, you see, Mrs Bozeman, I was only saying to Mr Parsons this morning,
20:38over at Professional and Executive,
20:40lovely man, with a ready wit, a cheerful smile,
20:43a sort of bureaucratic Terry Wogan.
20:45I was saying to him,
20:47we must deal with things as they are.
20:50Now, I know you'd like me to be stomping around barefoot,
20:53stinking and starving,
20:54wheezing with TB and clanking with rickets,
20:57but unfortunately, we can't all have what we want in this life.
21:01Thank you for your help.
21:02No doubt you'll be sending an officer around.
21:04That's right.
21:05Fine, well, bye for now,
21:07and, er, if you do hear of any old clothes,
21:11I'd be obliged.
21:15Mr Humphreys.
21:17Oh, hello.
21:19My word, this is a palaver, isn't it?
21:21Seen I had to do everything three times.
21:24Count yourself lucky.
21:25In the thirties, you'd have gone hungry.
21:27Oh, I did.
21:30I see.
21:31I'm glad I bumped into you.
21:32This might be of interest.
21:34You've seen it.
21:35Interviews next week.
21:38It would be there.
21:39Oh, it's not far.
21:40Oh, no, it's not the distance that bothers me.
21:43Yes, it is interesting.
21:45Thank you, Mr Humphreys.
21:46Mr. Shelley, don't tell me you've had such a wonderful time,
22:09you'd like to do it all again.
22:10You're warmer than you think, Mr Jones.
22:14How about you?
22:15Had a good day?
22:16Lots of new members?
22:17Oh, I must say, I did like that recruiting poster you used during the last election.
22:22Labour isn't working.
22:23I gather it was so successful, some of those people really are out of work now.
22:29How can I help you?
22:31I'd like to go for an interview for a job.
22:33Very dodgy.
22:34With your education, you'd very likely get it.
22:35Only it isn't in London, you see.
22:38No problem.
22:39We pay you fair.
22:40Overnight expenses, if it's a long way.
22:43Hilton, where you're going, is there.
22:45How do I get it?
22:46Fill in this.
22:47Take it to professional and executive.
22:48Get Mr, um...
22:50Parsons.
22:51Parsons to sign it.
22:52Take it to the DHSS.
22:53Mrs Bozeman.
22:54And they'll give you a rail voucher.
22:57Where is this interview?
22:59Brighton.
22:59LAUGHTER
23:24And they'll give you a round of applause.
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