- 17/05/2025
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00:00You
00:30amazing what just been overtaken by a snail I think I could have grown these
00:45baked beans in the time I've been waiting oh no you couldn't how do you
00:51know because I am the chairman of the British baked bean growers Association
01:00this is a dream I don't know it isn't oh no it isn't sleep this is a dream I want it to end
01:20hmm hmm oh no not again water
01:37morning sleep well no
02:07join me for my Sunday breakfast I'm having a kipper you don't say I did actually notice from
02:16the smell but then people in Edinburgh probably noticed from the smell cats in Calais are stowing
02:22away on ferries to get here dear dear dear dear we are tetchy this morning had that same dream again
02:31did you yes it's been almost exactly the same every night for a week the same supermarket cue I don't
02:39know what it means probably that you're off your trolley don't mention trolleys it's driving me mad I
02:45I can't sleep properly can't eat can't work so no change there
02:51what system the interpretation dreams by Freud what are you reading that rubbish for try and help me work
03:02out what the dreams about queuing in a supermarket by the sound of it but he thinks dreams represent
03:09something else so you see a supermarket could be life or the womb or something oh yeah of course I often
03:17wander down gateways and things here I am never into the womb for another bag of the fish fingers
03:21he sure isn't just a load of cobblers I mean why a womb Freud seems to think that most of our
03:29subconscious thoughts are directed towards sex a bit like you before you go down the over 60s disco
03:35him he was a sex maniac though wasn't he not exactly well he was an Austrian about the same thing does it
03:43yeah typical Austrian they all wear leather shorts they dance around slapping each other's bottoms and then
03:50they turn around and tell us we've got the sex problems I blame Julie Andrews yes exactly exactly
03:58you sure you don't fancy a kipper full of calcium good for the brain hasn't done a lot of good for
04:05yours well I'm not the basket case oh listen to those bloody builders what are they up to building all that
04:19noise all that mess I'm not standing for it I'm inviting old Pete Webber over what good will he do he's almost blind
04:28exactly I'm hoping that he'll trip over something something like that pile of corrugated iron they
04:35left behind and then I'll report them to the health and safety just hope they haven't given him his blind dog
04:42yet God you'll soon be out with your bread knife slashing the tires on their lorries no no I won't the
04:50rubber's far too tough Ted you keep this up they'll put you behind bars you mean in an old people's home
04:58that's where they want me like that place down next to the library Stalag Sunnyvale full of the old the
05:05mad and the incontinent you don't know what it's like I've seen the House of Lords on TV do you know
05:13how desperate they are in there they not only watch neighbors they watch the repeats as well
05:18frightens me Shelley going somewhere strange well I'm not saying give in I'm just saying you don't
05:27have to become the founder member of hell's grandads I'm frightened I'll come home find you're taking pot
05:32shots out of the window with an air rifle you'll drive me demented thought you already were I'm only
05:38reading a book ah but do dead squirrels gather nuts I haven't a clue god I'm tired yes you do look
05:50bloody awful I fell like this for three days now you look bloody awful a lot longer than that I tell
05:57you what I've got a nephew who's an administrator down the local loony bin I could arrange for you to
06:04meet him thanks but no why not do dead aardvarks climb mountains
06:11you know what Norman I fell asleep during bullseye this afternoon suppose that goes without saying
06:33as well do you have dreams of flying high above the rainforests or appearing in a David Attenborough
06:57a documentary and biting his finger off or a Ted in a cage and you feeding him pack his a trill
07:07why don't you say something you'd have thought in this house you'd at least learn to say bloody builders
07:16I know what I'll teach you
07:18no more kippers
07:22right after me no more kippers no more kippers no more kipper later
07:32bloody builders
07:36what now
07:38they moved the pile of corrugated iron
07:41I had to take old Pete all the way down the road to where they got those potholes
07:45and do you know he walked round every bloody one
07:54how unreasonable
07:57well people shouldn't claim that they're short-sighted if they're not
08:00oh dear you'll just have to booby trap the site foreman's hut now
08:04less of the smart ass remarks and put the kettle on
08:08it's not surprising I see you in a Hitler uniform
08:11pardon
08:15nothing
08:16what
08:18what
08:20it's it's this dream again isn't it
08:23what what am I doing then dressed as Hitler
08:26you're the checkout girl
08:28oh yeah oh wonderful yes I would be
08:32god I live all through the war and then you go and dress me up as bloody hitler
08:37I was nearly killed in the blitz
08:39well it's not my fault the Luftwaffe nearly dropped a bomb on you
08:42it wasn't the Luftwaffe who nearly killed me it was Ada Pritton's dad down their bomb shelter
08:48how was I to know it was going to be such a short blackout
08:52see you haven't changed
08:54i did once dream i was making love to sarah ferguson
08:57but when i woke up it turned out i was just lying on me hot water bottle
09:09i imagine the experiences aren't dissimilar
09:14i wonder if that's treason
09:17i've got you fixed up by the way fixed up yeah see you shrink tomorrow
09:22what my nephew put me onto him he's doing research on recurring dreams so uh he'll see you for free
09:30ted i do not have psychological problems plenty of people who are perfectly sane go to see
09:36psychiatrists and come out completely bonkers no
09:40right well there's gratitude
09:43god i sweat blood for you i go to all the trouble to get you an appointment and what do you do turn me
09:48down and dress me up as ruddy adolph and you even try to turn my parrot against me don't think i didn't
09:55hear what you were trying to teach it when i came in the door you'll be joining in trying to pull my
10:00house down next and what is wrong with kippers that's what i want to know oh i give up look thank
10:06you for trying to help but i really don't want to see a shrink this dream may be getting me down but
10:12uh amazing it's finally spoken hey the parrot ted it said bloody builders no it didn't
10:27but it was as clear as anything no no no no you must have imagined it never said a word
10:32what must be the strain and the stress it really didn't not a dicky bird
10:46where's this appointment for tomorrow 2 15. i think maybe i'll take it
10:54um can i have a kit dreams or not clever bird
11:24you're james shelley your receptionist told me to wait in here oh yes james shelley
11:47absolutely right on the money spot on i'm dr peter smith
11:52shouldn't you be called eggelhoffer or something yes i should without a doubt
11:57sigmund weiss fuller uh stanislau winkelstein gottfried kloppenhofflewuffle
12:03i won't be here i can tell you i'd have made a fortune an absolute fortune now sit down
12:12tell me your problem well i haven't really got much of a problem really lucky you it's just that i
12:20keep getting this recurring dream how fortunate my speciality smith or no smith what i don't know
12:28about recurring dreams you could write down on well something really rather small
12:35go on well i'm in this supermarket checkout with this uh full trolley now what's in it well to start
12:43off with food i seem to remember cans of baked beans fruit juice bread and i think some frozen
12:51raspberries and what's the name in this supermarket chain it's our local gateway they sold frozen
12:57raspberries there do they i think so only you can't get them for love or money in my local place
13:04well where is your supermarket is anywhere near fulham is this relevant no absolutely not
13:13you don't know if they do those little meringue things do you
13:17i haven't a clue oh sorry tell me about your dream please well i stay where i am but the checkout
13:26gets further and further away like childhood it gets further and further away like the moment of birth
13:37the ultimate trauma nobody wants to be born mr shelley i'm beginning to see why
13:44birth death sex they're all similar in a way all a sort of climax achieved after hours of effort
13:52hours seconds in some cases i find that thinking of a british rail sandwich helps don't you
14:05aren't you wandering a bit off the point here oh uh sorry no instant solutions not in a case as serious
14:11as yours serious so far i've only told you i have a dream that i'm in a supermarket the recurring dream
14:18my dear mr smith shelley shelley is always a sign of severe mental imbalance you don't by any chance
14:29have recurring dreams do you that's the theme of my new book actually and it's true undoubtedly
14:34historically you'll find that all the greatest head cases had repetitive dreaming patterns rasputin
14:39for instance did you know he repeatedly dreamt he was a banana frozen or tin
14:45when queen victoria queen victoria always vent her teeth were falling out queen victoria wasn't mad
14:54she must have been the whole point of my theory i'm sorry uh your dream mr shelley you're in this uh
15:00queue anything else and i've got this trolley but now it's full of bricks ah
15:06are you at the moment engaged in a sexual relationship with a much older woman no
15:18oh
15:22i am
15:25it's not worth it i can tell you don't get involved
15:28pain piled upon disappointment misery upon humiliation
15:32anyway you're in this queue so go on
15:39hello and i hope you die too you
15:47my wife
15:49that's all right then we've been going through a bit of a bad patch but
15:53things are beginning to sort themselves out now oh good
16:00so uh your problem mr shelley uh well i'm beginning to think that compared to certain
16:06other people's it's uh really rather small no no no no i don't think it is
16:12shall i tell you what i think your dream means
16:15i can't wait it's a sort of prenatal pilgrimage a return to the womb ah i thought it might be we all
16:22yearn for that don't we to be curled up safe away from all this to be somewhere snug and secure and warm
16:32have you at any point in your life ever been conscious of trying to return to the womb
16:37yes when i was about 16. and something prevented it didn't it none of the girls would go that far
16:45now look you've obviously got problems of your own but there's no point in ascribing them to me
16:51are you casting doubt on my skills as a psychiatrist yes i know it's because my name is smith isn't it
17:00if i was called club and hop a waffle i have consulting rooms in mayfair with a brass plaque
17:05on the door but instead i'll get the dregs down here do you know how long it is since i had a decent
17:10schizophrenic you know what i have to put up with maladjusted bloody children jane's 11 she's mindlessly
17:18destructive and can't read what am i supposed to do get her a job on the sun
17:22are you mainly destroyed i don't care my private life's in tatters my wife insults me so often my
17:30children grew up thinking you bastard peter was one word
17:36they hate me everybody hates me i think i'm gonna kill myself
17:42so what are you gonna add next then japanese coach party arriving no i'm thinking of knocking
17:58down a few houses knocking them down yes and putting up a hypermarket and leisure center bloody
18:07builders ted you want to stop thinking about these builders you'll do yourself an injury ah
18:15but can a penguin stop seeing icebergs
18:20i really don't know anyway uh had to get on the shrinks well the man is a sandwich short of a picnic
18:30in fact he's most of the hamper short of a picnic
18:33he's a grade one listed lunatic well of course he is he's a psychiatrist isn't he then thank you for
18:39getting me an appointment well i don't know i thought it might help being a complete basket
18:44case doesn't mean you can't do your job look at prince charles
18:50well i suppose i suppose we'll have to find you someone else thanks but no anyway i'm going back to see
18:56him again are you well he offered me 50 quid if i would and
19:04threatened to commit suicide if i didn't you wouldn't want that on your conscience
19:09i don't know it was a close decision
19:19come in
19:23looking for dr smith yes he's under sedation
19:28don't worry happens regular as clockwork they keep a bed free for him
19:33if you want a cup of tea i'll have plenty in the clock oh thanks
19:39so what's wrong with you then let me guess manic depression no there's nothing wrong with me
19:48you're coming to a psychiatrist there must be something megalomania paranoid schizophrenia no
19:54nothing like that i'm just helping him with some research recurring dreams oh mr shelley
20:03how do you know my name he always leaves his notes out the supermarket right and the bricks
20:13how's the returning to the womb coming along by the way
20:17not very well i only booked a one-way ticket
20:22you don't want to believe all he writes down oh i don't
20:25he couldn't spot a mental condition if it came up in it
20:28what was your dream about again the queue getting longer that's right sigmund would you like me to
20:36lie on the couch and tell you please yourself sounds to me though like you're feeling yourself
20:42slipping further away from some objective on the bricks eh do you own a house no and the chance of
20:50you buying one seems to be getting further and further away and you oh given your age feel a failure
20:58hmm understandable really oh i'll book my cardboard box down the embankment now shall i
21:06and something must have brought this on have you moved rooms recently
21:11yes a couple of weeks ago something from your new place in the dream something that's a problem
21:19yeah my landlord behind the till behind the till collecting the rent there you are then but why
21:26is he dressed up as hitler tell me that hmm you can't explain everything why do i end up dressed as a
21:33nun because everybody else has got houses and you've got none oh admit it i don't make a bad shrink
21:43no you should set up your business oh no i've seen what it does to them that poor smith is permanently
21:49off his rocker why do people get like him all weird and bitter and crazy hmm why when they do do they
21:56always sit next to you on the bus oh no i think the circuitry just gets overloaded yes and then there's
22:06all those rays from outer space seeping into our brains the martians mostly it's helping them take over
22:15the earth i'm sorry i can't help it it's all these case studies i've been reading come with me i'll clean
22:24dr mccuse next door if you like he's got some very interesting kleptomaniacs on file ah
22:35so this is where your dreams took place yes thank heavens they finally stopped
22:47where did that rabbit come from from the rabbit counter
22:50oh
23:01oh
23:10called by seven
23:13Bloody builders!
23:17Builders, oh!
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