- 17/05/2025
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00:30Well, I don't know about you, but I'm for bed.
00:49You can't go to bed now. It's only 11 o'clock.
00:54Is this a new house rule? You're going to have underwear checks as well.
00:59You'll miss the New Year come in.
01:01No, I won't. It'll come in upstairs.
01:05Comes in all over London, even in boroughs that have been poll tax capped.
01:10You'll miss the excitement, the revelry, the singing of Auld Lang Syne.
01:14The puking in the policeman's helmets.
01:18The rugby players urinating in the fountain.
01:22I'll survive.
01:23Well, it only happens once a year.
01:25No.
01:27And always on the same day.
01:29I mean it's a time for celebrating.
01:32Celebrating what?
01:34Another year older and deeper in doo-doo.
01:37Because as long as I can remember, the year that's just gone has always been a disaster.
01:41And the year about to come always looks even worse.
01:44Oh, dear, you are a happy little soul.
01:46Well, I am a happy little soul, basically, Ted.
01:49But I try to be happy all year round.
01:52What bugs me is people who are bloody miserable 364 days a year,
01:57then come New Year's Eve and five pints of pina colada,
02:01suddenly decide to go around whooping, giggling and groping like Jim Davidson on heat.
02:06Anyway, you're not exactly living it up.
02:13Well, I can't help it.
02:15There used to be a party in this street every year when there was a street.
02:18Now it's the only house left.
02:20I can't exactly do the conger on me own.
02:23Don't you ever have reunions?
02:24Well, get the odd card from a funeral parlour, but that's about it.
02:29No, no, no.
02:30You see, I miss a bit of the old neighbourly knees up.
02:33Ah, well, neighbours might be different,
02:35but the thought of being crushed to death and French-kissed
02:38by a bunch of sweaty, paralytic strangers,
02:41that is not what I call a good start to a year.
02:44Well, personally, I like the old traditions.
02:47Oh, there you are.
02:48You're all right now, Shelley.
02:49They left Trafalgar Square.
02:51Oh, God, it's the Scots.
02:56Every year it's the bloody Scots.
02:59The lovable wee tut and things.
03:01It's going on about their Hogmanay
03:04and the significance of it if they're Scottish
03:07and how they're all related to Robert the Bruce
03:09and live at the bottom of Loch Lomond.
03:12Their Hogmanay.
03:15Anyone would think they invented the idea of the earth
03:17going round the sun every 365 days
03:20just so they could all get pissed.
03:24At least with Christmas, you only get the three wise men.
03:28With Hogmanay, you get Billy Connolly as well.
03:30No, no, no.
03:32I am definitely a wah to my bed.
03:35Well, what are you going to do now, then,
03:36when you get to your bed?
03:38Oh, I think a quick browse through the works
03:39of Thomas Aquinas, his favourite.
03:42Do?
03:42I'll go to sleep.
03:44What do you think I'll do?
03:45Well, I suppose there's not much.
03:46It's me and the parrot staying up.
03:50Well, it'll do us both good, eh?
03:52Bit of peace.
03:53Quiet.
03:53Yeah.
03:54Yeah, I suppose so.
03:55Oh, Shelley.
03:57Yeah.
03:58Do you want me to give you a shout when it's midnight?
04:00For all acquaintances
04:12Nevermore to rhyme to
04:19And a bloody Happy New Year to you, too.
04:42Ted?
05:02Ted?
05:04Ted?
05:09Ted?
05:15Ted!
05:15Hello?
05:16Happy New Year, Harold.
05:30I'm sorry?
05:31Happy New Year, Harold.
05:34My name is not Harold.
05:36You sure?
05:37Yes, quite sure.
05:39But that is 6810750.
05:42No, and I'm sure.
05:43Oh.
05:44Oh, well, anyway, a very happy New Year.
05:47Not so far, it isn't.
05:51Was that the phone?
05:53Got it in one, Ted.
05:55Oh, who was it?
05:56I've no idea.
05:58Oh.
05:58But they wished us a very happy New Year.
06:00Oh, that's nice.
06:02Well, consider it, anyway.
06:19What the...
06:20Wrong number.
06:47Ah, and no, I am not Harold, nor do I...
06:50George!
06:54Happy New Year.
06:56Oh, we're all electric, thanks, but it was a nice night.
06:59No, no, you fool, we're first footing.
07:02We bring you tidings of southern comfort and joy.
07:06You what?
07:07Well, they didn't have any whiskey left.
07:10Oh.
07:11Um, sorry, I don't think we know each other.
07:14Well, of course you don't.
07:14He's your tall, dark stranger.
07:16I pinched him from the last party to bring you luck.
07:20Evening.
07:20Name's Saul.
07:22Hope you don't object.
07:24Your friend said you'd enjoy it if we pop up.
07:25Oh, go on, go on.
07:26Cross the threshold.
07:27That's right.
07:27You're not going to bed, are you?
07:28Ted, me old mate.
07:31Happy New Year.
07:32Oh, George, hey, nice one.
07:35You've finished with the coal.
07:37This is for you.
07:39Oh.
07:39Oh, you shouldn't have.
07:41I'll light it later, if you don't mind.
07:44And this is Saul, your luck for the year.
07:46Happy New Year.
07:48Oh, splendid, splendid.
07:49Well, come along in, everybody.
07:51Come along in.
07:53What are you doing in the dark?
07:55Nothing worse than a boring New Year's Eve, eh?
07:58No, no, no, no.
07:59You can't beat a good party.
08:01Well, got any more glasses?
08:02Yes, yes, of course.
08:04Mind you, the third party tonight was a bit iffy.
08:06I mean, two o'clock.
08:08What time's that to finish?
08:09Even if it was with a fight.
08:12Your bottle's only half full.
08:14Yeah, that's what the fight was about.
08:15They wanted to keep it.
08:17Here, where's the parrot?
08:19Hello, parrot.
08:20Happy New Year.
08:21You think he'd fancy a swift drop in his dish?
08:23Er, no, no, no.
08:25His New Year resolution is to give it up.
08:26Well, we could give him the coal.
08:28Tell him it's an African cuttlefish.
08:32He's an African grain.
08:34He'd spot it straight away.
08:36Besides, he's the sort to report you to the parrot society.
08:39Oh, pity.
08:39Well, Happy New Year, everybody.
08:41And to our feathered friend.
08:42And I hope Saul's first feet bring you both luck.
08:46Happy New Year.
08:46Happy New Year.
08:47So, what's all this party going, then, eh?
08:53I mean, I'm a three-times-a-night man myself,
08:55but that's usually going to the toilet.
08:59None of this raving it up.
09:01The high life.
09:01Oh, low life.
09:02Please, Ted.
09:03These are bohemian events.
09:04Us artists try not to mix with respectable people.
09:07I expect you did the conga, eh?
09:09Well, in a manner of speaking, yes.
09:12The first party, that was your avant-garde.
09:14You know, your warehouse type of person.
09:18You know, street performance artists.
09:20Sculptors who work with body fluids.
09:23Non-rhyming poets.
09:26It's very entertaining, though.
09:29They had a Van Gogh-a-gram.
09:34A man arrived in dungarees,
09:37pretended to cut his ear off
09:38and sprayed bull's blood all over the quiche.
09:42It was very witty, that was.
09:44And then we went on to a little dive, I know, in Soho.
09:49The dustbin of go-go.
09:51That's where your Debbie Mond hang out.
09:53You know, pop stars, models, famous hairdressers, TV producers.
09:57People with earrings in very unusual places.
10:01A real mix of the sexies.
10:03The top half of some people bore no relation to the bottom half.
10:05And finally, all the go-go myself,
10:12I went on to this bash where I met a tall dark friend.
10:14Oh, why didn't God make me into an artist?
10:18Forget the pay, I'd have settled for the fringe benefits.
10:21Oh, it wasn't an artie sort of do, really, was it?
10:25No.
10:27It's very alternative.
10:28You know, a lot of radical T-shirts.
10:30Save Nicaragua for the whale, that sort of thing.
10:34The sort of party where everyone's really concerned about the poor
10:36and the fact they didn't know any.
10:38Commitment in every room.
10:42All 17 of them.
10:44What made me laugh was they had a robbery.
10:46It was very embarrassing.
10:48Somebody got away with nine gold credit cards,
10:50four tickets for the Seychelles and a diamond navel stud.
10:54Well, that's my New Year's Eve so far.
10:57What about yours?
10:58Eh?
10:59Oh, oh, well,
11:01there's been some quite good programmes on the television this year.
11:04The telly?
11:05Er, are you into this arty business then, Saul?
11:09Well, in a way.
11:10The telly?
11:11Were you watching the telly?
11:12What sort of thing do you do, then?
11:14I collect things.
11:15The artefacts of life.
11:18The telly?
11:19Were you watching the telly?
11:20Not me.
11:21I went to bed early.
11:23No, no, Shelley doesn't like the New Year.
11:26Well, doesn't like it?
11:27What's wrong with it?
11:28Well, nothing's wrong with it,
11:29except we're all a year nearer to death.
11:31And I owe more than I did last year
11:34and my verruca's got bigger.
11:38Anyway,
11:39you name me three good things about 1990 worth celebrating.
11:43Well, this is all about 1991.
11:44A fresh start.
11:45All right, then.
11:46You name me three good things about 1991 you expect to happen.
11:49Oh, what's it matter?
11:50New Year's Eve's just another excuse for a knees-up,
11:52a way to forget your troubles.
11:53I forget my troubles by staying in bed,
11:56asleep,
11:57not sitting up half the night awake.
11:59Oh.
12:01Oh, on earth.
12:03Ah, yes.
12:08I did mention I was coming here to one or two other people.
12:13Well, Happy New Year!
12:14Happy New Year!
12:15Happy New Year!
12:17Who may be dropping in from time to time.
12:20Happy New Year, Shelley!
12:24Happy New Year, Bob.
12:29Happy New Year, Bob.
12:31Happy New Year, Bob.
12:32Happy New Year, Bob.
12:32Happy New Year, Bob.
12:32Happy New Year, Bob.
12:34Happy New Year, Bob.
12:50All right, then.
12:52Two good things about 1990.
12:55One?
13:03It was hot.
13:06Yes, I suppose the government does score points for global warming.
13:10Any other offers?
13:13Oh, dear, this is like Mastermind with the lights on.
13:17There must have been some good things about 1990.
13:21Yeah, of course, there were. I remember them all in the morning.
13:24It is the morning.
13:263.30am.
13:28Oh, come on, be fair, you two.
13:30I think Shelley's got quite a good case.
13:33Take pensioners.
13:35It's been a rotten year if you're a pensioner.
13:38They're being privatised now, you know.
13:40Living in an old folks' home these days, you get sold off to the eyes bitter.
13:44Go to sleep in a council bed, you could wake up belonging to Robert Maxwell.
13:49I should ask for cyanide in me cocoa.
13:52They'd add it on your bill.
13:53And to pay that, you'd have to pull on your false teeth, size of today's pension.
13:59Yeah, it's OK, Bob, yes.
14:01Yeah, I'll go along with you about pensioners, yeah.
14:03And then again, take youngsters.
14:05I wouldn't like to have been a youngster this past year.
14:08Condition of the schools now.
14:10All they teach them is plumbing and roofing.
14:13And if a teacher finds a textbook, he keeps quiet about it in case he's mugged by the rest of the staff.
14:18A school with more than one teacher, eh?
14:22Yes, yes.
14:23I must admit, evening classes aren't what they were, all these cutbacks.
14:27One minute you could be making a pot, the next moment you've been transferred to ballroom dancing.
14:31Well, some schools are so short, the science teacher's only qualified in ballroom dancing.
14:35Good kids.
14:36Yes, OK, Bob, yes, you've made your point.
14:39I agree with you about youngsters, it's not been a good year.
14:41And then again, take the sick.
14:43The hospitals won't.
14:45Exactly.
14:45I'm old enough to remember those days when in between falling ill and dropping dead, they used to give you an operation.
14:55Now they give you an appointment and date for a year which hasn't got a diary yet.
15:00Yes, if you fell ill in 1990, it was the accountants that examined you.
15:05Just to check to see if you'd turn their balance sheets red.
15:08That's true.
15:09Very true.
15:11I remember old Bill wanted a hip operation last June.
15:14The hospital told him that hips were a loss maker, but they could do him a special offer on hysterectomies.
15:21And besides, it makes a lot of financial sense to do these operations posthumously.
15:27Huh?
15:27No anaesthetist, no catering staff, no meal...
15:31All right, all right, I agree.
15:341990's not been a good year if you're sick or young or old.
15:40What's your year been like, Saul?
15:41I ignore the world.
15:44I make my own rules.
15:46No problems that way.
15:49Where's the lavatory?
15:50Oh, upstairs.
15:51First on the right.
15:56He's a very quiet, tall, dark person.
16:01Yeah, it's the best I could do at short notice.
16:02Next year, I'd order one from an agency.
16:08And then there's the poor.
16:09Only growth area of the economy.
16:12Oh, dear.
16:13Walk along a London street, so many begging bold, it's like an audition for Oliver Twist.
16:19You know what they say on a tour busses now?
16:21The streets of London are paved with cardboard.
16:24Yes, I was up at that South Bank the other day.
16:27There's enough dossers there now to keep four television crews in work for a year.
16:31Yeah, all right, all right, I agree.
16:341990's not been a good year if you're poor or sick or young or old.
16:39Or a mortgage holder.
16:40Or a single parent.
16:41Or a small businessman.
16:43Or a...
16:43Yeah, all right, all right, I give in.
16:461990's been a bloody awful year for everybody, OK?
16:51Except possibly the rich.
16:53No, frankly, George, if Nostradamus had been asked to foresee Britain in 1990,
17:02he'd have been so shocked, he'd have left a blank in his illuminated manuscript.
17:06Oh, I'll get it.
17:08The exercise will keep me awake.
17:10Happy New Year!
17:11We were let in.
17:12Oh.
17:13Happy New Year, George!
17:16Now, there's, um, drinks in the kitchen and a seminar on the state of modern society in here.
17:23I think the drink's sound's favourite, mate.
17:24Wise choice.
17:26Oh, did you find the loo?
17:28Oh, yes, thanks.
17:30Think I'll get a beverage.
17:34I think I'll suss out the crumpet.
17:37Hello, George!
17:39Hello!
17:40Hello, George!
17:41Hello!
17:44Who were those two?
17:45I've no idea.
17:46Oh, it's past four o'clock.
17:50It's dustbin' a go-go chucking out time.
17:52Oh, lucky dustbin' a go-go.
17:54I'll tell you what, we'll make a really great party.
17:58That's the year A.D. 2000.
18:00Not in here, it won't.
18:02Well, me, I'm a great party-goer.
18:03I'm not such a great party-leaver.
18:05I get chucked out quite a lot.
18:06But the year 2000.
18:08I mean, just think of it.
18:102,000 years of civilisation to celebrate, all in one night.
18:14The Crusades, the Renaissance, the Reformation, the French Revolution.
18:18Chelsea winning the Cup.
18:20Well, there must be one year that you like.
18:23I mean, me, I'm going to toast every single year.
18:26Twice.
18:27If you're still here, I'll outlive you.
18:30No, no, if the human race is still here.
18:34Not gone splat or kaput or poisoned itself
18:37and left a clothes sign hanging on the planet
18:39with a little sticker saying extinct and sorry about the damage.
18:44Oh, dear, this is a happy New Year's Eve.
18:46You think last year was rubbish, you don't like parties,
18:48and you think next year might be Armageddon.
18:51What do you do for an encore?
18:52Come in his old father time and wave your sickle about?
18:57You are being a miserable bugger tonight.
19:02Just a bit of realism, Ted.
19:04State of the world today doesn't do to make too many long-term plans
19:08by getting razor blades in packets of ten
19:10or a return ticket on the tube.
19:13That is not realism, that is poverty.
19:15It's poverty of thought.
19:17Very resourceful, the human race.
19:20Oh, yes.
19:212,000 years of civilisation, and what have we got?
19:24OK, the pop-up toaster's useful.
19:29Burns occasionally, but useful.
19:31I suppose there's something to be said for that thing
19:33that takes smells away from the toilet.
19:35But that apart, mankind might have just as well stayed up in the trees.
19:40You're not serious?
19:42You're saying you can't tell the difference
19:43between a prehistoric grunting caveman...
19:45And an England football supporter?
19:50I was going to say Voltaire, Mozart or Tolstoy.
19:53Oh, I shouldn't use words like that to a sun-reader, Bob.
19:56You litter with a rock and scuttle off.
19:59Grunting.
20:00So you don't believe in human progress?
20:02What, all the way from Genghis Khan to Saddam Hussein?
20:06Hardly worth a party.
20:07No, I believe in human progress, Bob.
20:11I just happen to think it's going in the same direction
20:13as the Gadarene swine.
20:16Which direction would the Gadarene swine go in?
20:20Over a cliff.
20:21Oh.
20:22Well, I've got confidence in human nature.
20:25I'm sorry I mentioned this party.
20:29I thought I was being fun-loving.
20:31If I'd have known, I'd have brought a gun
20:32and we could have all shot ourselves.
20:33Human beings are crap.
20:41You get more loyalty from a white rat.
20:44They cheat at cards, they push in at supermarket queues,
20:48they cut you up at traffic lights
20:49and all the time they steal each other's wives.
20:52Then they smile at you.
20:55He's right.
20:57But I'm wise to them.
21:03I think I'll have a last cigar.
21:12I think I'll be off into the night.
21:14Oh!
21:15So soon?
21:16Thank you for the evening.
21:17It's been very worthwhile.
21:19Oh, and good luck, everyone.
21:21My glass.
21:25Well, now he's gone, do we get to keep the cold?
21:27The trouble with you, Shelley, is you're a cynic.
21:30No good comes as cynics.
21:31It's funny, I can't find my lighter.
21:34Oh, it's all right, I've got some matches in my jacket pocket.
21:38Or my wallet.
21:40My wallet's gone.
21:42Bloody hell, my silver snuffbox is gone.
21:45Oh, dear.
21:47I think cynicism is due for a revival.
21:50Have you lost anything?
21:51Yes.
21:53£3.47.
21:54And my diamond naval stud.
21:59Oh, dear.
22:00Oh, dear.
22:00I'm so sorry.
22:01It's all my fault.
22:02Never trust a tall, dark stranger.
22:04Here.
22:05Have your coal back.
22:08This luck you brought us.
22:10Is it going to last the whole year?
22:12Well, I found you a wallet outside.
22:15There's nothing in it.
22:17See, I was right about 1991.
22:18I should have stayed in bed.
22:21Yes, yes.
22:21I must admit, I've had better New Year's Eves.
22:24Still, I suppose that's the demi-mond for you.
22:28I think I prefer the Scots.
22:30I think I prefer Trafalgar Square.
22:33Human progress can be deceptive.
22:36Oh, no.
22:38It's nearly six o'clock.
22:39The bloody parrot will be starting the dawn chorus next.
22:42Not much use going to bed now.
22:44No?
22:45Well, what do you suggest we do, then?
22:47Well, I don't know.
22:49Not enough of us for a con, though.
22:51Thank God.
22:53Any other bright suggestions?
22:55Well, there's always one thing.
22:57What's that?
22:58We could always try watching the telly.
22:59LAUGHTER
23:00Thank you very much.
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