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00:00Music
00:29Greetings, Fran.
00:32Well, this morning I'm away down the job centre.
00:36I've told them to look for a job that makes the most of my two great talents.
00:40Talking crap and sitting down.
00:45Got it. Chat show host.
00:48I could be the thinking woman's Derek Jameson.
00:52Or the blind woman's Jonathan Ross.
00:56Of course, I'd have to acquire a speech impediment.
00:59Anyway, Fran, I'm sure they'll find something suitable.
01:02Lots of love, Shelley.
01:09Something in journalism, perhaps.
01:12Foreign nipples correspondent for The Sun.
01:16Or perhaps the top job at The Mirror was Robert Maxwell's packed lunch.
01:23I could always go back into advertising.
01:27Writing TV ads. Piece of cake.
01:30Darling, I'm going to go it alone.
01:32I've got the backing.
01:33I'm selling the Robin Reliant and starting up a rat-catching business.
01:36Yes, I could do that.
01:51Hello.
01:54Hello, Graham.
01:54Oh, hello, James.
01:56I'm waiting for a client.
01:59Oh, right.
02:02It's a development project.
02:05Japanese industrialists.
02:06They're going to turn this whole area into a theme park.
02:11Yes, that's it, a theme park.
02:13Oh, what's the theme?
02:14Fruit.
02:16Fruit?
02:17Yes.
02:18They're going to have all the buildings in the shape of fruit.
02:22Leisure centre in the shape of a plum.
02:24Banana-shaped skyscrapers.
02:27Oh, my God.
02:31Something the matter?
02:34A client isn't going to build a theme park with a theme of fruit.
02:37Don't tell me they pulled out, Graham.
02:39It's only such a good idea.
02:40I made it all up.
02:43Get away.
02:44There's no client.
02:45I'm not here working.
02:46I haven't been to work for three days.
02:49I've told them I've got mumps.
02:51Every morning I've been leaving the flat at the same time as usual.
02:54At the end of the day, I go home and tell Carol about meetings that never happened,
02:57deals I've never made.
02:58I can't keep up the deceit.
03:00I'm not good at hiding things.
03:02Whenever I'm bottling something up, I get this rash on the back of my neck, see?
03:06Oh, yes.
03:07That's interesting.
03:08Very interesting.
03:11Why is it interesting?
03:12Well, it's shaped like South America.
03:14Oh, thank you very much, Doctor.
03:16Well, it is.
03:17I don't care what shape it is.
03:18I want to know how to get rid of it.
03:19Well, go and see the doctor.
03:20I've been to see a specialist.
03:22He said the rash was probably caused by a virus that had been triggered by stress and...
03:25And?
03:27That it was shaped like South America.
03:29I can't take the pressure right now.
03:32Ever since the Big Bang and the 24-hour market,
03:35I'm scared of going to bed in case something happens to rubber while I'm asleep.
03:38I don't get something cracking up, do you?
03:41Yes.
03:42Unless you undergo immediate therapy.
03:45Therapy?
03:46Yes.
03:46That's what I need.
03:47Yes.
03:48I know just the place.
03:49Come on.
03:49I thought you meant a clinic.
03:58You don't need a clinic.
04:00You need a completely new life.
04:02Well, I'll just pop into Woolworth's, shall I?
04:05Excuse me.
04:05Can I have a completely new life, please?
04:07Certainly, sir.
04:07That'll be 68p.
04:09It's not that easy, James.
04:10Why did you tell your firm you had mumps?
04:13What's wrong with flu?
04:14I figured if I said mumps, no one would come round to check up.
04:18Grown-ups are scared of catching mumps.
04:20Bentley and Forward Planning caught mumps and everything swelled up.
04:25I don't want to know.
04:26The rumour was he ended up carting his watsits around in a wheelbarrow.
04:29Yes, I don't want to know.
04:32Let's talk about something else.
04:34Now, have you been sleeping?
04:38Not really, no.
04:39I nodded off briefly last night,
04:41then woke up screaming that the Bank of England had been taken over by Bernard Matthews.
04:46Sounds like quite a nightmare.
04:48It was horrible.
04:49Threadneedle Street was one seething mass of turkeys.
04:53You had these problems before?
04:55What about last October, during the crash?
04:59What crash?
05:01The big October crash.
05:03Oh, that wasn't really a crash.
05:05That was just a...
05:06Global financial collapse.
05:08Yes, all right.
05:08You have to keep going on about it.
05:10Four chaps in my office cracked up.
05:12Harrison's in a home now.
05:14He set fire to his Porsche and floated it out to sea on a raft.
05:18Sort of Viking burial.
05:20It's no wonder I'm feeling so stressed.
05:21I'm living on a time bomb.
05:23Talking of time bombs,
05:24what will Carol say when she finds out about your mumps?
05:27You won't tell her, will you?
05:29Not unless she uses the thumbscrews.
05:31She doesn't have any thumbscrews, does she?
05:34I wish I was like Carol.
05:36She's very strong.
05:37It's because she never has any self-doubt.
05:39Life's clear-cut, black and white.
05:41That's what I like about her, really.
05:43She's my rock and I'm her barnacle.
05:45How romantic.
05:49You don't think I'm having a mid-life crisis?
05:52Perhaps it's the male menopause.
05:54Graham, you've only just got through puberty.
05:57I'm 27.
05:59Only physically, mentally,
06:00you're still running around in short trousers.
06:03Oh, that's nice.
06:04Well, it's true.
06:05You've not lived.
06:05You've not seen the world.
06:07Not true.
06:08I've been skiing.
06:09And last year, we had two weeks in the Dordogne.
06:12Well, I take it all back, Marco Polo.
06:14You can't be having a mid-life crisis
06:17because you've not had enough of a life
06:18for there to be a mid to have a crisis in.
06:21Well, it feels like one to me.
06:23Right.
06:24You want to see a mid-life crisis?
06:26You'll see a mid-life crisis.
06:31So, this is a job centre.
06:33I've always wondered what these places are like.
06:35Well, now you know.
06:36They're chock-a-block with mid-life crises.
06:40Gardener to tend municipal gardens.
06:42That looks very relaxing.
06:45The wages don't look too relaxing.
06:47Look, they've made a mistake.
06:49They put per week when they mean per day, haven't they?
06:54Good God.
06:56I must say, no one here looks exactly well off.
06:59No, you won't find Alan Wicker interviewing any of this lot.
07:03Morning, Alec.
07:04Morning, Shelley.
07:05Seen anything you fancy?
07:06No, nothing here for someone with my skills.
07:09What are your skills?
07:10Oh, bullshitting.
07:12Nothing about.
07:13Oh, and telling funny stories about his landlords.
07:16We're apparently his landlords of this couple.
07:18Yes, thank you, Alec.
07:21When I want a glowing reference, I'll come to you.
07:24Alec, this is, uh, Graham.
07:26Alec's down here looking for work.
07:28Graham, half my landlord.
07:31Big family?
07:32Well, two kids, you know.
07:34Got a girl called Sally, and, uh, we call the boy Norman, after Norman Tebbitt.
07:38Why do you call him after Tebbitt?
07:40Because he was born outside wedlock.
07:44His middle name's Lawson.
07:47Well, had a bit of luck last week.
07:50Five days on the building site.
07:51Got a bit of overtime, too.
07:53That's their ticket.
07:55Sorry?
07:55Well, what I meant was, that's the sort of positive-minded approach that's needed to
08:00get people on their feet.
08:02Why?
08:03Aye.
08:03I mean, yes.
08:05You know, you start off earning a bit of overtime on a building site, and the next thing
08:08you know, you're using that money to start up your own business.
08:11I mean, that's what enterprise culture is all about, isn't it?
08:14Graham.
08:14Oh, is it indeed?
08:17Well, perhaps you'd like to tell me how we're going to start a business empire on, uh, two
08:21quid an hour, with a wife and bands to support.
08:23Well, I don't know.
08:25It's all about initiative, isn't it?
08:26Someone else can't do your thinking for you.
08:28Yes.
08:28Graham.
08:29I mean, whatever happens, there's no use blaming someone else for your situation.
08:33I haven't got a situation.
08:35There are no situations.
08:38You could retrain.
08:39There are schemes.
08:39I've seen them on the telly.
08:41We have tried retrading, man.
08:42I've been on so many government schemes that that Lord Youngfella thinks I'm one of his
08:46researchers.
08:47I spent the last six months in a tiny room that had given airway claustrophobia.
08:51I haven't seen my family for eight whole months.
08:56The last time I went home, my kids thought I was one of them Jehovah's Witnesses.
09:01I've tried everything, man.
09:03And at the end of it, I've still got nothing.
09:05Zero, zilch, nout, nothing, man.
09:09Oh, well, if you're going to take that attitude.
09:12Hasn't the, uh, weather been dreadful?
09:14What do you mean, that attitude?
09:18I mean, really quite nippy for the time of year.
09:21Well, you know, defeatist.
09:22Yes, almost wintry, I'd say.
09:23I mean, you can't expect everything on a plate, can you?
09:26Graham!
09:27Well, uh, silly.
09:28I'm not sure I like your mate.
09:30Who says he's my mate?
09:31I just met him outside.
09:32You know, I'm not sure I like him at all.
09:35Look, I'm only saying that the unemployed can't expect to be mollycoddled.
09:39That's all.
09:40Graham, watch my lips.
09:42Shut up.
09:44Why?
09:45Because you're going to start a punch-up.
09:47Nonsense.
09:48This is just a lively discussion.
09:50So is Gallipoli.
09:51Look, no one's getting upset.
09:53You're not upset, are you?
10:09That man at the job centre was a good runner, wasn't he?
10:22Yes.
10:23So am I when someone's chasing me.
10:26I don't know what I said to upset him.
10:32No.
10:33No, you don't, do you?
10:37What's this?
10:39Carol's year planner.
10:41Oh, she's got a window in her diary.
10:44From 11.30 till 11.32 on Christmas Day.
10:48She likes to keep busy.
10:51Monday.
10:52Learn Japanese.
10:54She's only learning the important words like discount and tax-free.
10:59What's this?
11:00My wang.
11:02I use that for business, household accounts, personal correspondence.
11:05My whole life's inside that little beauty.
11:09What if something were to happen to it?
11:12How do you mean?
11:13Well, what if it all were to get wiped?
11:16Don't say that.
11:17Don't even think it.
11:18I mean, I've heard that a sudden surge of power on the mains and it could have raised a lot.
11:24I'm not listening.
11:25Or alternatively, sometimes apparently, the radiation from a microwave.
11:29Have you stopped?
11:35I know you do that just to frighten me, Shelley.
11:37Well, you're very easily frightened.
11:40Don't turn that on.
11:42There might be a report on the hand-sing index.
11:44How's my rush?
11:48Well, it's gone down a bit.
11:49Brazil's sort of faded.
11:52Oh, good.
11:53Perhaps I'm unwinding.
11:54Or unravelling.
11:56It's nice to be able to stop and think.
11:59Think about things.
12:00Important things.
12:01Do you know, I often worry that...
12:03Well, that I'm a bit shallow.
12:06You don't think I'm shallow, do you?
12:08Well, you don't seem very deep.
12:10No, no, I don't, do I?
12:14Still, deep down, I must have some hidden depths, mustn't I?
12:18Try me.
12:19Ask me something deep.
12:20All right, then, let's see.
12:22What do you think of religion?
12:24Christianity, for example.
12:27Well, it seems to me that the major, sort of, basic, big problem with Christianity as a religion
12:34is that you lose all those trading hours on a Sunday.
12:40Yes, well, we didn't do very well there, did we?
12:46Let's, uh, let's try the nuclear arms race.
12:49Ah, now, I'm extremely worried about the nuclear arms race.
12:52It seems to me that it can only lead to an escalation in world tension.
12:55Then, all it needs is for, say, an outbreak of hostilities in the Middle East,
13:00and you've got a global war on your hands.
13:01And the moment you have a global nuclear war, then you can just wave the Eurobonds market goodbye.
13:05Graham, I know this may sound obscene, but try discussing a topic in a way
13:13that it doesn't have anything to do with money or business.
13:18Right.
13:20Um, OK.
13:22Well, I've often wondered why we're here.
13:25Good.
13:26You know, why mine was created.
13:29God, this is quite deep, isn't it?
13:30Yes, don't stop it.
13:32Well, um, I've often wondered where we came from.
13:36I mean, where do we come from?
13:39Tanzania.
13:41Eh?
13:42The earliest known traces of man as a species can be found in Tanzania.
13:46Does that mean we're all part Tanzanian?
13:50Well, I mean, this was billions of years ago.
13:52I mean, it wasn't called Tanzania then.
13:54Oh, right.
13:56Tanganyika.
13:58No, it wasn't called anything.
14:00This is billions of years ago.
14:02Sorry.
14:03So, how did these Tanzanians get everywhere then?
14:08Well, many years ago, most of the continents were still all joined up.
14:16So, early man spread outwards from Africa.
14:20Some went east into Asia.
14:22Others went north around the Bering Straits and down into the Americas.
14:27Some tribes, the lazy ones, stopped off in North America, hunted bison, waited for the
14:35pilgrims to bring them redemption and VD.
14:37Others migrated southwards, deep into the jungles of South America.
14:44So, they started off over here and ended up all the way over here.
14:50Right.
14:51It's the earliest known record of someone getting on their bike.
14:55Norman would have been proud of them.
14:57They built huge pyramids in the middle of the jungle.
15:01Of course, no one knew what they were for, but it's possible that the pyramids were entirely
15:05pointless and were just an early YTS scheme.
15:10Hang on, though.
15:11How can a pyramid be pointless?
15:14That was a joke.
15:18No, it wasn't.
15:20Now, the most famous of this lot were the Aztecs.
15:23Now, their civilization was very advanced, though, interestingly, they never invented the
15:28wheel.
15:29They didn't have wheels?
15:30No.
15:30They never hit upon the concept of the wheel.
15:33I wonder why not.
15:34I don't know.
15:34I think perhaps they were worried about getting clamped.
15:36Well, they were very cruel people who used to rip the beating hearts out of human sacrifices.
15:44I met some brokers like that.
15:46I've got a question.
15:47If they came down this way from the north, right, and the lazy people stopped off here in North
15:52America, and the more resourceful people pushed southwards down here, then how come the United
15:58States is the most powerful country in the world and not Peru?
16:01Well, because these intelligent, resourceful people down here were wiped out by the deeply unpleasant
16:11people from here, Europeans.
16:14A tribe of cruel bastards who went around trying to convert them all.
16:20Converting them to what?
16:22Well, into dead people, mostly.
16:25Oh, right.
16:26I've seen that in the Mission.
16:27Yeah, I've got a book on it, if you like.
16:28No, thanks.
16:29I don't read books.
16:30Well, I'll help you with the big words.
16:33I've read some books for English O-Level.
16:35Oh, yes.
16:35Which ones?
16:36Wuthering Heights.
16:37What did you think?
16:39Well, it was quite interesting, but as a novel, I think that my analysis would be that
16:44it was a lot of fuss to make about a gypsy.
16:47Graham, you have a career in literary criticism.
16:50And we did Othello.
16:52A lot of fuss to make about a handkerchief.
16:53Well, that's what I thought.
16:54In fact, that's roughly what I pitted my O-Level essay.
16:56Did you pass?
16:58No, I didn't.
17:00I've got an F. In fact, F was all I ever got.
17:03Six Fs.
17:05Six big Fs for failure.
17:07Never any good at anything.
17:08I'm not very good at my job, you know.
17:10I've got no real talent for it.
17:11Graham, you're getting worked up again.
17:13I know.
17:14Now, you need to relax.
17:16Now, what do you do to relax?
17:17I run.
17:18I run as hard and as fast as I can.
17:21I imagine I'm running against a pack of dogs.
17:23Sounds very soothing.
17:25What other relaxation do you get?
17:28Squash.
17:28You should try it.
17:30There's nothing quite as relaxing as smashing that little ball around till your opponent has
17:33to grovel in total exhaustion.
17:35Do you do anything that isn't competitive?
17:38Sorry?
17:38Well, you know, there must be something you do just for fun.
17:44Cricket.
17:45I love cricket.
17:46I'm quite good at it, actually.
17:48I was the Ian Botham of my school.
17:49You mean you got expelled?
17:50Well, it's a great game.
17:53Oh, yes.
17:54There's nothing like the firm smack of leather on Willow.
17:57So you're a cricket fan, too?
17:59No, I was talking about sadomasochism.
18:01I can't say it.
18:02When I was young, I wanted to be a cricketer.
18:05Or failing that, a sports teacher.
18:06That way I get to mess around with a bat and ball till my heart's content.
18:08Well, you could still do that.
18:11What?
18:12Become a sports teacher.
18:14No, I couldn't.
18:15Why not?
18:17I couldn't just quit my job.
18:19No, it's out of the question.
18:20I couldn't quit.
18:21Could I?
18:23I could quit.
18:25I could quit, couldn't I?
18:25I really could.
18:27I'm beginning to relax now.
18:29I can see that.
18:30Right, what shall we do now?
18:32Fine note.
18:34I'm going to write, invade Poland on Carol's year planner.
18:38No, let's do something which is much more fun.
18:48Carol isn't going to like this, you know, Graham.
18:50Ah, she won't be back for hours.
18:52Now, the rules are, one run if you hit either side wall.
18:56Four runs if you hit the back wall or get it into the bathroom.
18:59And on top of the side boards are six.
19:02Graham, you will remember this is for fun, won't you?
19:06Of course.
19:09And, er, don't bowl too hard.
19:12Oh, come on, it's only made of old socks.
19:14What a sissy.
19:14You ready?
19:15And it's Graham coming in from the front door.
19:21And what a fine player he is.
19:23He comes in, bowls.
19:25Elsie!
19:27I beg your pardon?
19:28You're out.
19:29LBW.
19:29It was going wide.
19:31It was not wide.
19:32An umpire would have given it.
19:33Don't be ridiculous.
19:34It was so far wide, not even an umpire in Pakistan would have given it.
19:37Now, don't be childish or I'm not playing.
19:45Very well.
19:46Cheats never prosper.
19:48What did you say?
19:49Nothing.
19:51You ready?
19:52Hang on.
19:53Ready?
20:00And Graham comes pounding it.
20:02Bowls.
20:03Yes!
20:05Graham, the demon bowler, strikes again.
20:08Shelly, bowled Graham for a duck.
20:10Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
20:12Here we go, here we go, here we go.
20:16Here we go, here we go, here we go.
20:18Carl, you're back early.
20:22Very early.
20:23What the hell is going on?
20:27How was your day?
20:28What is he doing here?
20:30And why aren't you at work?
20:31Er, well, you see, er...
20:34Oh, tell her, Graham.
20:37Tell me what, Graham?
20:38Carl, I have to tell you that...
20:41I have to tell you that...
20:43the timer's gone on the central heating.
20:45Oh, for God's sake.
20:47Graham's been pretending to go into work for the last three days.
20:51Really, he's been sitting in his car all day,
20:54like the last of the living zombies.
20:56Is this true?
20:57Well, I've not been well.
20:58I've got a rash like South America.
21:00What?
21:00So I told the firm I've got mumps,
21:01and I've been plumbing my hidden depths.
21:03Graham, I've told you before,
21:04you haven't got any hidden depths.
21:06Oh, yes, I have.
21:08Tell her, Shelley.
21:10We've been talking about important things,
21:12like religion, Wuthering Heights and Tanzania.
21:15Tanzania?
21:15They're communists, aren't they?
21:18What have you been telling him?
21:19Has he been brainwashing you?
21:22I want to stop work.
21:23He has been brainwashing you.
21:25I want to quit my job and go and do something meaningful.
21:28I want to become a sports teacher.
21:31A sports teacher?
21:32I'm reassessing my life.
21:36No, you're not.
21:37You're wallowing in self-pity.
21:38Just because work's got a bit tough.
21:41You've just got to pull yourself together and plough on.
21:44Of course it's tough.
21:45My work's as tough as yours.
21:47You don't see me cracking up, do you?
21:49I'm sorry, Carol.
21:50I'm adamant.
21:51This is all your fault.
21:53What have I done?
21:53You've indoctrinated him into your view of things where people just go around doing what they like.
22:00Oh, yes.
22:00I take responsibility.
22:02The GLF.
22:03The Graham Liberation Front.
22:06You see, I've discovered that beneath that dull-witted, grey, boring exterior,
22:09there's a dull-witted, grey, boring sports teacher.
22:14I am not prepared to discuss my private life with a faded hippie who left his brains behind at Woodstock.
22:23If you'll kindly leave.
22:26Don't worry, Shirley.
22:27I feel a new sense of purpose.
22:29I'm not going to give in.
22:30I promise.
22:31I feel a new strength.
22:33A new defiance.
22:35Who wrote Invade Poland on my year planner?
22:37He did.
22:39Oh, um, morning, Shelley.
22:51Off to work, are we?
22:52Yes, um, yes.
22:54I discussed it all with Carol.
22:56We had a full and frank exchange of views,
22:58and as a result, I came to see things in a new light.
23:01How's the rash?
23:02Oh, um, still there.
23:04Carol says all hard-working people have a rash somewhere.
23:07I mean, she really did produce some very convincing arguments.
23:11I mean, the most powerful point she made was that if I quit my job and became a sports teacher,
23:15although I'd be a lot more fulfilled, I'd also have a much lower income.
23:18And I don't think emotionally I'm quite ready for that.
23:22You poor lamb.
23:27God, I wish I was like Carol.
23:29She's so strong, so...
23:31indestructible.
23:34Bye.
23:34Hello, Carol.
24:00Hello, Shelley.
24:02I'm waiting for a client.
24:04Waiting for a client.
24:04Everybodyiel.
24:19Wonderful.
24:21I'm waiting for a client.
24:24Because we're busy.
24:25But we're still waiting for you.
24:27We're slowly waiting for you.
24:28What you've always said we're ready for again?
24:29Nothing Hi.
24:30Hello, Toby.
24:31Hello, Toby.
24:32Very grateful.