- 9 months ago
Complete playlist:
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
https://dailymotion.com/playlist/x9np9k
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00The End
00:30Let's go away for a week, he says
00:35Make a nice change
00:37I know, he said
00:39Let's go for a quick week in Greece
00:42Except it's not turning out to be a quick week in Greece, is it?
00:46No, it's shaping up to be a very long weekend
00:49Stuck in a transit lounge on the edge of the Adriatic
00:57Nine hours we've been stuck here
00:59You know what makes me madder than a cow with B.S.E.
01:03Is that they couldn't even come up with a decent excuse
01:06Air traffic controllers dispute
01:10That's pathetic
01:11At least they've got to come up with something original like
01:15This is your pilot speaking
01:17I'm afraid we swooped too low over Gibraltar
01:20And now have a windscreen covered with baboons
01:22Nine hours
01:27Nine hours
01:30Enlivened by the occasional visit to the toilet
01:33Where the only way you can wash your hands
01:35Is to lean on the taps with your elbows
01:37At which point a Niagara of hot scalding water roars out
01:43Bounces off the sink and smacks you in the groin
01:46And for the next few hours
01:50Everyone stares at your damp groin
01:52And wonders whether you're incontinent
01:54Or worse
01:56Nine hours
02:01And I'll tell you something else
02:03Oh for God's sake
02:04Will you stop moaning
02:05We'll get there in the end
02:07Just be patient
02:09All things come to he who waits
02:12What things come to he who waits?
02:16All things
02:17But what sort of things?
02:20Buses?
02:21Junk mail?
02:21Tax demands?
02:22I don't know
02:23Well why say it then?
02:25Well it's just an expression
02:26All things come to he who waits
02:30And a smack in the mouth comes to he who blathers
02:33Sorry I spoke
02:35Dear oh dear oh dear
02:37Talk about touchy
02:38Look so
02:40We're stuck at an airport
02:41So what?
02:42Treated as part of the adventure of life
02:45This isn't life
02:46This is limbo
02:47I hate transit lounges
02:49I once spent a whole Christmas day in one of these places
02:54In Dubai it was
02:55Very depressing
02:57There are worse places to spend Christmas
03:00The baby Jesus spent Christmas in a stable
03:02What?
03:09Baby Jesus spent Christmas in a scruffy old stable
03:13But he didn't know what time of the year it was
03:16Did he?
03:17Jesus didn't think
03:18Oh great I've been born
03:19So it must be Christmas now
03:21Mary get the mince pies out of the oven
03:23We'll all put on silly hats
03:26And watch Joseph carve the turkey
03:28Honestly Ted
03:30You make about as much sense as Bill and Ben
03:32Listen
03:33Don't let this waiting get to you
03:35Rise above it
03:36Be serene
03:37Look at me
03:38Totally relaxed
03:40Physically I may be in a sweaty transit lounge near Dubrovnik
03:44But mentally I'm sipping ambrosia in a cool grove on Mount Olympus
03:50Are you on drugs?
03:54No I'm simply saying that it's purely a question of mind over matter
03:58Just transcend your surroundings
04:02Oh terrific
04:03I'm on holiday with a 62 year old hippie
04:05I think I'll go for another walk
04:09I can stare at the window display in the duty free shop
04:13Count the Toblerone bars again
04:16Calling all passengers for flight 616A to Athens
04:30We're pleased to announce that your replacement flight 616B has arrived
04:34And that passengers will be boarding presently
04:37I say you fellow
04:38What is he jolly well saying please?
04:40He says that our plane has arrived
04:42But not to get too excited about it
04:44Because it's only going to sit invitingly on the runway
04:47And taunt us for a couple of hours
04:49Sorry?
04:50He says we'll be boarding presently
04:53Oh spiffing show
04:54What does presently mean please?
04:57Presently?
04:57Well presently can mean anything
04:59From in the next few minutes
05:01To sometime before the next ice age
05:02But I assume it won't be long
05:04Because staff are taking up positions at the boarding desk
05:07See?
05:07Oh yes
05:08Wizard
05:09Wizard
05:12Excuse me
05:18Are you reallocating seats now?
05:20Certainly sir
05:21Would you like smoking or non-smoking?
05:24Non-smoking
05:24Like on my boarding car
05:26That was the original plane
05:27We have to start from scratch I'm afraid
05:29The seating on the replacement aircraft is different
05:32Non-smoking
05:34Also non-snoring
05:35Non-screaming children
05:37And non-constantly crawling across me
05:39To get to the toilet
05:40Please
05:41That's two in non-smoking
05:44For J. Shirley
05:45And T. Boschup
05:46No no no
05:47Our names are Shirley
05:48And Bishop
05:49But the tickets say Shirley and Boschup
05:52Yes I know
05:53And the computer says Shirley and Boschup
05:55Then the computer's dyslexic
05:57I'm sorry
05:59But I do think
06:00Without wishing to be conceited about it
06:02That I should be recognised as the leading authority
06:04On what my own name is
06:06Certainly
06:07I'll correct it
06:08Thank you
06:09Passengers will be boarding presently
06:12Could you be more specific?
06:14I'm sorry?
06:15Well will it be a matter of minutes or hours or months
06:17Or a period of time
06:18Not measurable in human terms?
06:21Passengers will be boarding presently
06:23You smile a lot don't you?
06:26We smile because we want your journey to be a pleasant one
06:29Doesn't it make your face ache?
06:32And do you all fix the muscles permanently in place with superglue?
06:36I wonder if we could possibly move along now sir
06:39Only we do have other passengers to see to
06:41Of course yes yes I'm sorry
06:42Oh incidentally should you ever decide to give up airstiodesing
06:46May I suggest you take up synchronised swimming
06:48You're a natural
06:49Thank you
06:50My pleasure
06:51Calm down a bit have you?
07:00Yes my anger is subsiding
07:02Good
07:03It's being replaced by despair
07:05Oh there goes the pilot
07:09Vodka bottle sticking out of his pocket
07:11What?
07:11Gotcha
07:12Mind you
07:19He did have a bit of a drinker's face
07:21And it's a high pressure job
07:24I bet a lot of them crack up
07:26Have breakdowns
07:27Go to pieces
07:27And he looked the highly strung type to me
07:31Failed marriage
07:33Having an affair with one of the stewardesses
07:35She's pregnant
07:36He wants her to have an abortion
07:38He can't sleep
07:40He can't concentrate
07:41He turns to drugs
07:42Suddenly he flips
07:44Starts eating the joystick
07:45The co-pilot hits the ejector seat
07:48We end up with a plane being flown
07:50By a courageous hostess
07:52Being given instructions from the ground
07:54While she goes into premature labour
07:55That's only in disaster movies
08:00Real life's not like that
08:02No
08:02Real life's boring
08:04I mean look at this lot
08:05Not one sweaty shaking type
08:08Who won't let go of his attache case
08:10Because it's obviously carrying a bomb
08:12And not one dying nun
08:14Who can play the guitar
08:15I like disaster movies
08:19I particularly like the towering Inferno
08:21Why?
08:23Well probably because it was full of rich Americans
08:26Dying slow horrible deaths
08:28I don't like Americans
08:31Ever since they let Errol Flynn
08:33Win World War II single-handed
08:35Oh right
08:37As long as it's a rational dislike
08:40God
08:43I haven't been as bored as this
08:45Since Geoffrey Boycott was opening the batting for England
08:48Do you want to borrow a book?
08:50I bought a whole load at the airport shop
08:53Here you are
08:55The Geoffrey Archer
08:58That's all they seem to have at that shop
09:00I asked the checkout girl if they got any dickens
09:03And she told me to try the perfume counter
09:05Ah well why not
09:07Something to read
09:09He can't be as bad as I think he is
09:11And it's better than just staring at the wall
09:15No it's back to staring at the wall
09:22Give him a chance
09:25I tried but then I got as far as the first bit of dialogue
09:28People just don't talk like that
09:30Not even people as strange as Geoffrey Archer
09:32You're just a snob
09:35I notice you're not reading him
09:36Oh well no he can't hold a candle this stuff
09:39Greek mythology
09:40I'm up to the bit where Zeus is just ravished leader
09:44Disguised as a swan
09:46They put it about a bit those Greek gods didn't they
09:50There obviously weren't any worries about safe sex on Mount Olympus
09:54Just transform yourself into a large bird
09:57Find an unsuspecting nymph
09:59Way you go
10:00I've just finished the story of Hercules
10:02Amazing bloke
10:04Strangled a snake at the age of six months
10:07I bet Mr and Mrs Hercules were insufferable
10:10How's your little boy Mrs Achilles?
10:13Just starting to walk
10:14Oh that's nice
10:15Of course by that age
10:16Our boy was throttling pythons
10:18Uh oh here it comes
10:23Calling all passengers on flight 616P
10:26We regret that due to a traffic control problem
10:28The departure of this flight has been delayed
10:31The estimated time of departure is now 0600 hours
10:34And we apologise for this delay
10:36Oh I don't believe it
10:37We are never going to get out of here
10:39I am telling you
10:40This is ridiculous
10:42In thousands of years time
10:44Archaeologists will dig down through hundreds of feet of sediment
10:48And discover our skeletons in exactly these positions
10:52Over there
10:54They'll find the skeleton of an air hostess
10:56Her skull smiling hideous
10:59Ah this is no use
11:01I've got to let off some steam
11:03Can I help you?
11:07It's Mr Shirley isn't it?
11:08Shirley
11:09How can I help you?
11:11I wish to protest
11:13At yet another delay
11:14Mr Shirley
11:16Mr Shirley
11:17Of course we regret any delay
11:19But I'm sure you'll understand the need for thorough technical checks
11:23Our planes do have an excellent safety record
11:26That's because they never take off
11:28You can't get safer than that
11:31Now I wish to register a formal complaint
11:34How do I go about that?
11:36You write to our customer liaison officer at head office
11:39Who investigates your complaint
11:41And then writes back to you with his findings
11:43No no no no
11:44I'm sorry
11:45Letters are of no use to me
11:46I need somebody I can physically punch or stab
11:48I'm afraid I can't help you any more than that Mr Shirley
11:52I'm only sanctioned to inform you of the established complaints procedure
11:56I'm not just speaking for myself
11:58You know I'm sure
11:59All the other passengers feel exactly the same
12:01Yes well with respect Mr Shirley
12:04The other passengers do appear to be taking it all quite calmly
12:07Yes yes they do don't they
12:09Perhaps if you tried to relax
12:11Put your feet up
12:12Grab some sleep maybe
12:14No I'm afraid I can only sleep in environments designed to promote sleep
12:18I.e. beds or Arsenal home games
12:20So the chances of my sleeping here are about as remote as Madonna having Cliff Richard's baby
12:26However since there seems to be no alternative I shall return to my seat
12:32And attempt to anaesthetise myself with a Geoffrey Archer
12:36Well that got me about as far as
12:42I don't believe it
12:46Oh well
12:49Let's see where he's up to
12:52Prometheus
12:56Chained to a rock for all eternity
12:59As a punishment from Zeus
13:02Perhaps we're being punished by Zeus
13:05When I was a kid
13:09I once threw a stone at a swan
13:11Perhaps it was him
13:13Ah well
13:16Time to settle down for the duration
13:20Ted's right
13:22You must keep calm
13:25Relax
13:26Be serene
13:29Don't let the situation get to you Shelley
13:34Oh for God's sake what is it now
13:39I don't believe this
14:02We're never going to get out of here
14:06I'm telling you
14:07This is ridiculous
14:10Just be patient
14:13All things come to he who waits
14:19I'll belt you in a minute
14:22Well that's not very serene is it
14:25What happened to transcend your surroundings
14:28Yes well there's a limit to how much surroundings you can transcend
14:32Oh no
14:33Zeus is at it again
14:34He's taken on the form of a bull
14:38And he's about to ravish Europa
14:40He's not a big foreplay man is he
14:43It's the sheer ruddy incompetence that I can't stand
14:48Oh no she's pregnant poor kid
14:50How's he having a bull as a dad
14:54It'll be embarrassing for him at school
14:57What's your dad he's a doctor
14:59Mine he's an Aberdeen Angus
15:02Parents evening might be a bit awkward
15:06Dad try not to gore the geography mistress if she's wearing red again
15:11God look at the time
15:13I'm going to complain
15:15No point Ted
15:16They'll just smile you into submission
15:18Take it easy
15:20Watch the numbers change on the digital clock
15:23That's what I did
15:25After about 20 minutes your brain goes completely numb
15:29You know as if you're watching Howard's way
15:32I don't want a numb brain
15:37I'm just going to exercise my rights as a consumer
15:39And get really stroppy with someone
15:42Are you coming?
15:43Well you know me Ted
15:44When it comes to stroppiness
15:46I'm always ready to learn at the feet of a master
15:48Come on then
15:49Can I help you?
15:54Yes
15:54I want to complain
15:56What are all these technical checks anyway?
15:59We have been waiting for hours now
16:01When are we going to get to go on our holiday for God's sake?
16:04Well don't ask me sir
16:06I don't service the bloody planes do I?
16:12I beg your pardon?
16:14Well I'm not a trained aeronautical engineer
16:17If I was I hardly think I'd be working my arse into the ground on proxy package flights
16:23Fielding constant complaints from garrulous members of the public
16:26Being groped by drunks in aisle seats
16:29Having my menstrual cycle totally messed about from so much flying
16:33And perpetually overnighting in airport hotel rooms
16:38Which were designed by the same architect who did Lubyanka
16:41Amazing
16:44A torrent of bile and yet you're still smiling
16:49The smile is there to stop me screaming
16:53So when's this flight going to get away then?
16:57You tell me something
16:58I was supposed to be back in London by now
17:04Spending a rare weekend with my boyfriend
17:06But instead I'm stuck in this hellhole mollifying people like you
17:10Now if you'll excuse me
17:14I'm going to the toilet
17:16To slash my wrists with a rusty razor blade
17:19That was very irritating wasn't it?
17:32Discovering she's a human being after all
17:34I mean who are we going to abuse now?
17:40She's taken all the fun out of it
17:41We are pleased to announce the departure of flight 616B to Athens
17:48Will passengers please board now
17:50Commencing with rows A to D
17:52I'll be jiggered
17:53We're finally on the move
17:54This is it
17:55I feel it in me bones
17:56Come on
17:56Any minute
17:57And quite soon
17:58We shall be marvelling at the Parthenon
18:00No sorry Ted
18:01I refuse to marvel at any building
18:02Where they forgot to put the roof on
18:04Stop it Ted
18:11Everybody's staring
18:13Oh just think
18:24Before long we'll be standing
18:27Where the great Aristotle might once have stood
18:30He was the first philosopher
18:32To say that man's glory
18:34Was the ability to think rationally
18:36We owe a lot to him
18:38Yes well some of us do
18:40Have you finished with the in-flight magazine?
18:44What?
18:44Oh yes
18:45Anything in it?
18:47Oh an article by Michael Parkinson
18:49Reminiscing about his childhood in Barnsley
18:52A piece by Roy Hattersley
18:53Recalling his childhood in Sheffield
18:56William Davis on his favourite Singapore hotels
19:00Terry Wogan on his favourite Irish club
19:02Golf courses
19:03And Benny Green
19:05On some of his favourite restaurants
19:07So the usual crap then
19:09Basically yes
19:10Everything okay gentlemen?
19:14Yes thank you
19:15And is everything okay with you now?
19:17Perfectly okay thank you
19:18We're turning straight round at Athens
19:20So I'll be seeing my boyfriend tonight
19:22Oh your smile looks different now
19:24Looks as if it belongs to your face
19:27The smile you had before
19:29Looked like one you'd borrowed
19:30From a mindless piranha
19:32Yes well we're trained to keep smiling
19:35No matter what happens Mr Shelley
19:37For instance I'm smiling now
19:39Even though I know both wings are on fire
19:41What?
19:45Got you
19:46Yes she really did get you
19:55You're not afraid of flying are you?
19:59Certainly not
20:00It's crashing I'm afraid of
20:02There's no point in worrying
20:04If anything happened
20:05There'd be damn all you could do about it
20:07You'd just have to sit here
20:08And wait for the end to come
20:09Yes well you may well sit here
20:12And wait for the end to come
20:13But I'm telling you
20:14If this plane plummets into a nosedive
20:17You'll find me in the cockpit
20:18Trying to climb into the black box
20:20We're travelling through the air
20:25At hundreds of miles per hour
20:27Thousands of feet above the ground
20:30In a metal container
20:31That weighs several tons
20:33It's amazing when you think about it
20:36Can we think about something else?
20:40You know we owe all this to Galileo
20:43You know
20:43You see before he discovered the world was round
20:47Nobody wanted to travel much
20:49In case they fell off the edge of it
20:50Most people were scared to go beyond
20:53The bottom of their front gardens
20:55But when Galileo came along
20:57Yes well I've just noticed
20:59It was a curious phenomenon
21:00That Galileo would have been interested in
21:03Oh what's that?
21:04Well
21:04About ten minutes ago
21:06The sun was pouring in on that side of the plane
21:10Now it's shining through on this
21:13Now that either means that the sun got bored
21:16And decided to come and do a bit of
21:17Shining through this side
21:19Or it more probably means
21:22We've turned round
21:24Oh no!
21:27Oh yes
21:28This is your captain speaking
21:31I'm afraid I have some rather disappointing news
21:34Mechanical problems
21:36Is there any reason to turn a plane round?
21:40Well it might have been serious
21:41It might have been a threat to human life
21:43Not as much of a threat as I am
21:45I'm telling you
21:46The next airline employee who smiles at me
21:49Will be ceremonially disemboweled
21:51Do you want to borrow another book?
21:54Not another Geoffrey Archer
21:55No this one's a Shirley Conran
21:57Give it here then
21:59Can't be as bad as Geoffrey Archer
22:01Wrong again Shirley
22:07Ah well
22:09It's time to go and count the Toblerone bars
22:13Oh hello there
22:19Hello
22:20Any ideas when we might be taking off?
22:22No sorry
22:23Bet you're fed up aren't you?
22:26The weekend with the boyfriends are gone now isn't it?
22:28I know
22:29Well never mind
22:30You do seem to be taking it remarkably well
22:34Well there's a very good reason why I feel so calm
22:37What's that?
22:39I've just vandalised the ladies toilet
22:41See none of the Toblerone bars are gone then
22:51Frustrating journey isn't it?
22:54Oh crikey
22:54I should say so
22:55Anyone waiting for you?
22:59Gosh yes
22:59I bought all that tack for my wife and two children
23:03Who are waiting for me in jolly old Athens
23:05And every time I think about it makes me spiffing well mad
23:08My name's Shelley
23:11James Shelley
23:12Pleased to meet you old chap
23:14Michael Michiadis
23:16Come with me
23:17Ted
23:19This is Michael
23:21Who if I'm not mistaken learned his English from the Billy Bunter books
23:25Cripes
23:27How did you work that one out?
23:29Intuition
23:30Pleased to meet you Michael
23:31Now I suggest we unite in our adversity
23:35And crack open your bottle of duty free scotch Ted
23:40Why not?
23:41My friend Ted here was pointing out to me earlier
23:44How small the world has become
23:47How we all have access now to air travel
23:50And how the whole process was begun by Galileo
23:54Without whom we would not have been able to attempt this journey
23:58Now
23:59Galileo as you know
24:02Was tortured by the Inquisition
24:04So if I may
24:06I would like to propose a toast
24:09To Galileo
24:12Let's hope he really suffered
24:15Let's hope he really suffered
24:20Let's hope he really suffered
24:20We'll be there
24:26Bye
24:27Bye
24:32Bye
Comments