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00:00THE END
00:29They look totally inert but when you take a pair of scissors to them they propel themselves across the room like howitzers. No idea where that last one went. I'm surprised no one's exploited their defence possibilities really. It's a sort of artillery. If you come under attack get the infantry to whip off their socks and blitz the enemy with ground to wear toenails.
00:59It'd be a lot cheaper than Trident missiles. Probably more accurate.
01:06Well, what shall I do now? Start my Booker Prize winning novel or lie down?
01:14Well, there's always next year's Booker Prize.
01:18I wonder how Cyril Smith cuts his toenails. Probably gets in outside contractors.
01:32James Shelley?
01:39Yes?
01:40Wilf Haynes. I'm a journalist. I work for Britain's top newspaper, my press card.
01:45Oh, right.
01:47Do you read our paper?
01:48Oh, yes. It's indispensable to me. Helps keep me abreast with the burning issues of the day like who's bonking Madonna?
01:56And is Elvis alive and well and living in Scunthorpe?
02:01Yes. Well, our paper is in the process of going up market.
02:04Don't tell me. Topless photos of Kiriti Kanoa?
02:07Kiriti Kanoa. Marvellous.
02:11I'm doing a nostalgia feature on how people remember their university days, 20 years on, that sort of thing.
02:18And I was wondering if I could interview you about your time at university.
02:21I'm not sure. We'll pay you.
02:23Come in.
02:26This is Tommy McBride, my photographer. Pleased to meet you.
02:30How do you do?
02:33How did you get that?
02:34Oh, it was an accident.
02:37Now, Mr Shelley, James, you don't mind if I take this, do you? Marvellous.
02:45Now, James, you were at university between 1965 and 1968.
02:51Do you remember that as a good time in your life?
02:54I think so, yes.
02:55What did you study?
02:56Geography.
02:57Geography.
02:58Geography. Marvellous. So useful to know where everything is.
03:03Um, what about the social life? Good, was it?
03:07Not bad. Met my wife there, actually.
03:10Marvellous. Can I talk to her?
03:12I'll have to shout. She's in Canada.
03:16We're separated.
03:17Oh, I'm sorry.
03:19Still, there must be some friends from university days that you keep up with.
03:24Not really, no.
03:26What about the other people on your floor in the hall of residence?
03:30I bet you were all good mates, weren't you?
03:33We got on okay.
03:35I dug the names out of the college records.
03:37Actually, on your floor there was Gerry Hughes, David Tomlinson, Barry Denslow, Roger Pringle.
03:43That name rings a bell.
03:46Roger Pringle. Where do I know that name from?
03:49He's now Roger Pringle the Labour MP.
03:52Of course he is. Roger Pringle MP.
03:54Or Red Rog, as your paper calls him.
03:58Or sometimes Poofter Pringle.
04:01Or Pinko Pervert Pringle.
04:04Well, you know what editors are like always looking for something punchy to put as a headline.
04:09What? Like Red Rog, Rogers Rent Boy?
04:13Remember that headline?
04:14Oh yes, that.
04:16Well, he is a public figure. He's got to expect his private life to come under scrutiny.
04:20It was all lies and you know it. Pure fiction.
04:25It read like a bit out of a bad Shirley Conran, if you'll excuse the tautology.
04:30Now, let's forget all these cobblers about doing a nostalgic piece on my university day, shall we?
04:37We both know why you're here.
04:40We'd pay you for any reminiscences.
04:43We'd pay you rather handsomely.
04:45Did he have any parties in his room, for instance?
04:47I bet he was always having parties, wasn't he?
04:49Oh yes, all the time.
04:50I mean, you could hardly hear yourself think for the ecstatic cries of people engaging in acts of sodomy.
04:58Men in suspenders, SS uniforms and black leather willy-warmers trooping it out of his back all day long.
05:06Many's the time he knocked on my door, dressed as a woman,
05:09to ask if he could borrow my Egon Ronay guide to the best men's toilets in London.
05:15He was rampant. He made Boy George look like Mary Poppins.
05:20Marvellous.
05:23This is all true, isn't it?
05:25Of course not.
05:27I'm making it up. Can I have a job on your paper?
05:30Very droll, Mr Shelley.
05:34Look, for the record, and I don't want any money,
05:38Roger Pringle seemed a very pleasant bloke.
05:40He was bright, very fit, good boxer, box for the university. He had an excellent left hook.
05:47He still has.
05:51Oh, that was him, was it?
05:53He caught us raking through his dustbins.
05:54I'm sure you could remember something a bit more colourful, Mr Shelley.
06:00Perhaps if we stimulated your memory.
06:03No thanks.
06:05We won't identify you by name.
06:07We'll describe you as a close friend.
06:08Well, like Judas Iscariot was.
06:11Oh, dear Tommy, he's the righteous sort.
06:15I'll give you ten grand for something nice and juicy.
06:19Just get out.
06:25Is he gay?
06:26I don't know and I don't care.
06:28Did he take drugs?
06:30Yes, he took drugs.
06:31I knew it.
06:33Caffeine and alcohol. Now get out.
06:35Go on, get out.
06:43Bloody reptiles.
06:45Where's the air freshener?
06:46So, how's things with you?
06:50Not bad. And you?
06:51Well, I've had a little bit of woman trouble this week.
06:54This married woman I've been dating.
06:56I discovered she wasn't actually married.
06:58Scared the hell out of me.
07:01Why can't you just find one nice girl and settle down?
07:05Anyway, I thought you were being faithful to Donna.
07:09I am faithful to Donna.
07:11With my heart?
07:12Not with your groin, obviously.
07:13Look, if God had intended us to be monogamous, he wouldn't have invented skin-tight jeans.
07:19Oh.
07:20By the way, your friend Pringle, yeah, he's in the papers again.
07:23Surprise, surprise. What does it say?
07:25I don't know. I'll only buy it for this part of the ball.
07:27Red Rogers Randy Romps.
07:31Pinko pervert Red Rog Pringle used to indulge in homosexual orgies at college, according to an old student friend James Shelley, who also reveals Pringle used to hang around men's toilets dressed as a woman.
07:44It's disgraceful. They just make these things up.
07:54Old student friend James Shelley.
07:56He was rampant, said Shelley.
07:59He made boy George look like Mary Poppins. Did you say that?
08:05Well, yes, I did say that, but I wasn't serious. They must say I said it as a joke.
08:10No, they seem to have accidentally left that bit out. Well, what do you know?
08:16It's outrageous. It's... I'm speechless.
08:22You are, aren't you? I mean, you really are speechless. No one will believe it when I tell them.
08:29Oh, my God, I must ring up Roger Pringle. Make him understand. I mean, he'll understand, Roger. He'll understand, won't he? I mean, he won't hold it against me.
08:38Heck no, he'll understand. No, of course Roger will understand. I mean, no problem. He'll understand.
08:45Isn't he the guy you said was a terrific boxer?
08:59Come in.
09:01Well, well, it's Shelley, my old college friend.
09:05Look, Roger, how about that article?
09:08Oh, don't worry, Shelley, I understand. I know what these tabloid boys are like. They've been after me for years.
09:14Anyway, it was all patently absurd. He made boy George look like Mary Poppins.
09:19I knew you wouldn't have said anything like that.
09:23Well, actually, Roger, I did say that.
09:27What?
09:28Well, I said it as a joke.
09:30A joke? Gosh, that's ever such a funny joke, Shelley.
09:35A real side splitter.
09:37I'm sorry. I was a bit naive. I'm very sorry.
09:39Oh, forget it.
09:43I'm going to sue.
09:44Good luck. You'll need it.
09:46Well, you could sue.
09:48I could try.
09:49I could waste most of my money and all my energy trying to prove they misquoted you.
09:54They'd say they didn't. You'd say they did.
09:56And the lawyers would say, whoopee, let's buy another Porsche.
09:59In court, every bit of mud that got thrown would stick to me, and in the end, it would probably all hinge on your good character.
10:07Oh.
10:09Exactly.
10:10So I'm going to ignore it.
10:12Well, I'm not.
10:13Up to you.
10:14I think I'll just stick to punching photographers.
10:17Give them one for me, eh?
10:19Oh, Shelley, can you do me an enormous favour?
10:23Sure.
10:24Next time a journalist asks you a question,
10:26Yes.
10:27Keep your big gobs shut.
10:31Dear Fran,
10:33you'll be very pleased to hear that I finally hit the big time,
10:38and got my name in the papers.
10:40And to think your dad said I'd never achieve anything.
10:44In fact, your dad probably read the article, actually,
10:48and as it involved the spreading of malicious gossip about a left-wing MP,
10:53I expect the reactionary old blimp is now dead proud of me.
10:59Anyway.
11:05Mrs Shelley, my name's Dave Merson. I work for The Sun newspaper.
11:09Hold it.
11:11I'm not getting caught out again.
11:12I'm writing down every word of this.
11:17Right, what did you say your name was again?
11:21Dave Merson.
11:22Merson.
11:23Can you spell that?
11:24Oh, sorry, of course, you work for The Sun.
11:29I wanted to ask you about Roger Pringle.
11:32Well, get away.
11:34I'd make it worth your while.
11:35I could go as high as 20,000.
11:3920,000 pounds?
11:41That's absurd.
11:43All right.
11:4425.
11:46This is madness.
11:47I suppose you've been raking through his dustbins as well, have you?
11:50Why don't you put on scuba gear, dive down his toilet,
11:53see what you can find there?
11:55Look, 25,000 pounds for a good story.
11:58Can you really afford to turn that sort of money down?
12:02All right.
12:04It was April 1967.
12:09I went to this party.
12:10Sex, drugs, the lot.
12:13And there, in the corner of the room,
12:17was a choir boy
12:22spanking Rupert Murdoch with a fish.
12:28That's F-I-S-H.
12:30Yeah, very funny.
12:33Only doing my job.
12:35Just trying to get a decent headline.
12:37Well, here's a headline for you, then.
12:39Shelley Spurn, sordid...
12:41Sun, sleaze hound.
12:43Slams door in face, shock horror drama.
12:48I did enjoy that.
12:49You sure about this? Don't want him suing the paper.
13:02It's watertight. I've got three witnesses who saw it,
13:03or at least all say they saw it.
13:05Oh, right, well. I'll run it on the front page.
13:07Oliver Reid bites dog.
13:08Excuse me, you can't go in there.
13:09I tried to stop him, Mr Boyle.
13:10That's all right, Janet.
13:11Er, this is Mr Shelley Lenn, Red Rogers' chum.
13:12You the editor?
13:13Yes.
13:14Congratulations.
13:15Sorry.
13:16You've just won the Joseph Goebbels Prize for Factual Journalism.
13:19And at least all say they saw it.
13:20Well, I'll run it on the front page.
13:22Oliver Reid bites dog.
13:26Excuse me, you can't go in there.
13:29I tried to stop him, Mr Boyle.
13:32It's all right, Janet.
13:34This is Mr Shelley Lenn, Red Rogers' chum.
13:37Are you the editor?
13:38Yes.
13:39Congratulations.
13:40Sorry.
13:41just won the Joseph Goebbels prize for factual journalism with this little piece
13:47written by Hans Christian Andersen here you seem upset by something I demand an
13:55apology or else or else what mr. Shelley well for a start I shall report you to
14:02the press council
14:11I'm suing you the lot of you on what grounds mr. Shelley we merely quoted you
14:16word for word the tape can't lie he was rampant he made boy George look like Mary
14:24Poppins somehow the next bit got wiped you've taken it completely out of
14:30context out of context oh sorry context is a two-syllable word isn't it I forgot I'll
14:37keep the words nice and short so you know what I mean you told lies fibs
14:45porky pies mr. Shelley if you feel you have a grievance then take us to court
14:52otherwise please leave us alone we've got a paper to get out what is it today
14:56red roge rapes Rotherham United Reserve no it's Oliver Reed bites dog
15:07look mr. Shelley when we focus on homosexuality as an issue we are merely
15:18doing our duty as a caring Christian newspaper Christian well all I can say is
15:24thank God you lot weren't around in Christ time after all what did Jesus do
15:29for five years he went around the country with 12 young men mostly
15:34fishermen and sailors I wonder what you lot would have made of that and as for
15:39the crucifixion I can see the headlines now gotcha gay godson grabbed in
15:45Gethsemane puppy pervert priest nailed to piece of wood gay animal hater Jesus of
15:52Nazareth who once advocated pushing camels through the eye of a needle used to get
15:57his disciples to drink blood it was revealed by close friend busty model
16:02Rachel of Arimathea see picture page three I do enjoy a good sermon don't you
16:10will anything more your holiness only we're being blinded by your saintly aura we
16:15only give the public what they want mr. Shelley or to be more accurate we tell
16:20them what they want and then we give it to them okay we may have been economical with
16:27the truth you lied all right the Roger Pringle story was a lie sir that's what
16:34makes it a good read see mr. Shelley the public is so very very thick we could tell
16:41them that the Queen's a creature from Mars and they believe I believe anything we tell
16:47them for ten years we've been telling them that Prince Charles is an intellectual that
16:54Samantha Fox is sexy that mrs. Thatcher is a good Prime Minister you see my point exactly
17:01now if you'll just run along mr. Shelley you will hear from me again are you
17:10auditioning for Dallas mr. Shelley because that was very good wasn't it all it
17:15lacked was the shoulder pads yes very dramatic goodbye mr. Shelley when day do
17:24give our love to red ranch goodbye for now that's what I like to see a smile in
17:33defeat who did that one Janet Street Porter isn't it funny I never liked her till now
17:41okay I spoke to a lawyer friend I know here and basically he said you had three options one you
17:51could take it to the press council what exactly do the press council do well no one seems to know I
17:58think it's a secret order bit like the Masons now your second option is to pursue it through the
18:03courts sue them for libel tricky after all this Roger Pringle who's been liable now my friend said
18:09you could try and get them for defamation but you can't get legal aid for defamation so you'd need
18:14fifteen thousand up front to pay for a good libel lawyer the case would hinge around your version of
18:19events versus theirs and they do have that tape could drag on for years and even if you won you couldn't rely
18:26on the jury awarding very large damages what's the third option well he said that the third option given
18:32that you're not a millionaire with 80 years of your life to spare was to get some friends together give
18:37them all a baseball bat and beat these newspaper guys to a pulp not a mafia lawyer this friend of yours is
18:44he he didn't advocate putting a dead horse's head in the editor's bed no no he felt that was more suitable for the reporter so basically I have no real options that don't involve assault or decapitated
18:56horses not without hard evidence you need evidence evidence right drink up we are going to see that editor
19:09and get some justice great a lynching oh this is just like home and here's the little beauty screaming obscenities
19:23at tom after he photographed her shaving her armpits that's brilliant got any more time no that was the
19:30last one before I fell off the window ledge before I'm sorry did it again well well well it's the moral
19:38majority who's this the Archangel Gabriel this is a friend of mine I brought him as a witness I've also
19:48brought this oh gosh a tape recorder better be careful what we say then hey lads that's right you
19:57don't want to say the sort of things you said last time all right the Roger Pringle story was a lie so
20:05well that's what makes it a good read you see Mr. Shelley the public is so very very thick we could tell
20:13that the Queen is a creature from Mars the tape can't lie brilliant bloody brilliant he taped the whole
20:31conversation that's brilliant where did you hide it shut up what do you want well let's see now for a
20:42start a full printed apology a big one not tucked away beneath Nicole the naughty night nurse's telephone
20:50number and compensation ten thousand pounds five thousand for me and five thousand for AIDS research
20:59AIDS research appropriate I thought as your paper seems to take such a deep interest in people with
21:04that disease now if you comply with my conditions I won't send this tape to Roger Pringle we are not
21:15going to be blackmailed mr. Shelley what order of damages do you think Roger Pringle would get Phil
21:23public figure like him I reckon he'd get half a million maybe more I wonder what your proprietor would
21:29say about that I'd have thought he'd been a little bit miffed James well extremely miffed I'd say film
21:34isn't he notorious for sacking his editors James do you know Phil I think he is oh look Phil joined up writing
21:53he must have been practicing Janet Street Porter Diana Ross smile boil go on smile or else
22:11it's what I like to see smile in defeat marvelous congratulations James on your performance yesterday to Shelley the Avenger yes I've
22:36always fancied myself as a sort of South London Batman
22:40I got the right sort of thighs for tights never knew you could be so devious I was in advertising
22:48once you never forget the basics oh the Dolphins lost the who Dolphins Miami Dolphins football team
22:55the ridiculous names you give your football teams I suppose your team's names are much more sensible
23:01yeah Hamilton Academicals Sheffield Wednesday Arsenal perfectly good name comes from when they were called
23:08Woolwich Arsenal nonsense James no cabbie explained to me how they got their name apparently it was at a home
23:13match and a fan shouted out come on Woolwich move your legs Arsenal
23:18two tiny paragraphs beneath the spot the ball competition well of all the dirty cheating no good ah well there you go there you go James you said you wouldn't send that tape to Roger Pringle provided you get a big enough apology which they haven't done come on they're going back on the deal
23:48I'd send that tape to Roger Pringle anyway do you know something Phil I already have
23:53gotcha
24:23gotcha
24:24good