Experts say swearing around kids can be damaging in unexpected ways

ABC NEWS (Australia)

How much harm can swearing in front of kids cause? Many experts say while using swear words in front of children might not be directly harmful, it could be damaging in ways we don't expect.

Transcript

00:00I think many of us inadvertently let those words slip at times, but it's about considering

00:08whether it's something that we have as part of our everyday vocabulary, and more importantly,

00:14whether it's something we use when we're communicating with our children, because that's a very different

00:18situation.

00:19So, should parents be wary of swearing in front of their kids?

00:23Absolutely.

00:24Swearing in front of them is going to harm them psychologically, but we're their role

00:30models, and if you don't want your children picking up really unhelpful words and language

00:35outside your home, we need to be careful about how we're communicating around our children,

00:41because we're the role models.

00:42Yeah, you don't want to be driving the kids to school in the morning and suddenly hear

00:46a swear word from the backseat and say, oops, where did they pick up that?

00:51Okay, so in what context do parents have to be careful in terms of inadvertently using

00:59swear words?

01:01I think when swear words are associated with a slur, whether that's a racist comment or

01:07a comment in terms that's linked with aggression, because that can be very overwhelming for

01:13children.

01:14So it's not just the swear word that's said, it's the emotion that's attached to us, to

01:19that experience, and that can make children feel really vulnerable.

01:23We're their trusted caregivers, that's who they look for, for connection and stability.

01:28And if we've got somebody who's using a lot of aggressive swearing language in front of

01:34them, that can damage that long-term connection for the child and their feeling of safety.

01:40Yeah, and you're bringing up aggression there as well.

01:42And I guess it might be the case that parents are careful if they're having a disagreement

01:48with their partner, they take it to another room and do it there.

01:55And they should be careful with swear words in that situation.

01:59But yeah, aggression generally.

02:01Absolutely.

02:02And we want children to understand that we at times can become very emotional and overwhelmed.

02:08And if as a parent you find yourself swearing, it's really important that we say to our children,

02:15that wasn't the right thing.

02:16I shouldn't have said that, and that's not the language I should be using.

02:20So being accountable when we do lose our temper, or forget where we are, or forget what those

02:26little ears around us are listening to.

02:29Is it also important to educate a child in terms of how to negotiate their way through

02:36disagreements, but maybe that lesson can come a little later in life than three years old?

02:45Yes, there's probably pretty hard for three year olds to negotiate their way through arguments

02:49over the toy or the Lego or the iPad.

02:53But one of the things we want our children to understand that swearing isn't the most

02:57ideal way of communication.

02:59And when we're frustrated, it's about taking a space to be calm and working out the problem

03:05when we're in a better state.

03:07And I think as parents and any adults in their life, that's a really good role model to set

03:11for them that, you know, I'm really upset with what's happening at the moment.

03:14I disagree with what they're saying.

03:16But engaging in an argument that might contain swear words is never going to be the solution.

03:22And is there any age of the child from which you should be particularly careful?

03:28Like, does nothing sink in from kind of zero to one year old, but then it does?

03:33Or what's the age?

03:35We usually see children around three years of age starting to pop up with those magic

03:40words all of a sudden.

03:41And it may hopefully isn't us parents that they've heard it from, but they will often

03:46do that to get a reaction.

03:48So what are three year olds using swearing for is very different than what an eight or

03:52nine year olds using swear words for.

03:55So once children are at school or of school age, we need to be supporting them about appropriate

04:01language.

04:02What's the ideal mode of communication and what is acceptable and unacceptable?

04:08Often you'll hear them say that, but, you know, Mum, I heard you say that word.

04:14And I haven't got kids, Deidre, so I'm very conscious of playing a sort of dictatorial

04:24commentator on this subject.

04:25But I just wanted to finish with a question to you.

04:29How tough can it be being a parent and negotiating your way through a child's upbringing, generally?

04:39Look, I think it can be really tough.

04:41And I think sometimes as parents, we look for a lot of expert advice and we don't always

04:47trust our own instincts.

04:50The most important thing is to think about what your child wants to be, creating a safe

04:54environment, trying to teach them as many good skills as we can.

04:58But also I know as parents, we're not always going to get it right.

05:03And that's part of that journey of parenting.

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