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05:21Oh, I'm not staying here to be insulted.
05:24Oh, you're just like all the others.
05:26Well, that's more than I can say for you.
05:29Left your engine running.
05:33That's it, then, isn't it?
05:38How do you do? Working?
05:40Good evening, sir.
05:42Best time I've ever seen a windscreen steam up in an open car.
05:47That's all right, constable, just having a bit of fun.
05:50Yes, I can tell.
05:51I mean, you're only young once, aren't you?
05:55Well, I was just going. Good night.
06:00Are you the owner of this vehicle, sir?
06:02That's right.
06:03The Mr Ely plate?
06:04Yes.
06:05Good, I've got news for you. I've been looking for you.
06:07Oh, have you? Is it about the road tax?
06:09Road tax?
06:10Well, I noticed a couple of months out of date.
06:13I have applied, but it must have got lost in the post.
06:17I'll make a note of that.
06:18Yes.
06:19Driving an untaxed vehicle.
06:21These things do happen, don't they, Inspector?
06:23Well, I'll be off.
06:28Perhaps I'd better have a look at your licence, sir.
06:31Licence?
06:32You have got a licence, sir.
06:33Well, it's not what you call current.
06:36You've been this out of date?
06:38Yes, I have applied.
06:41It must have got lost in the post.
06:44I see.
06:45Driving an untaxed, unlicensed vehicle.
06:48Not your lucky day, is it, sir?
06:50You can say that again.
06:51Two eight bob seats for the sound of music
06:53and a couple of prawn curries up the spout there.
06:56Well, I'll be off.
06:59Just for the record, sir, you are insured.
07:02Insured?
07:03Insured.
07:05Well, I have applied, but it...
07:06Must have got lost in the post.
07:09Driving an untaxed, unlicensed vehicle.
07:14Are you sticking, or are there any other offences?
07:17Well, I've got my pencil out.
07:19No, Commissioner.
07:20Well, I appreciate your volunteering this information,
07:23but I only wanted to give you a message.
07:25You have to return home immediately, as your father's not very well.
07:27Is he not?
07:28Oh, I'd best be off, then.
07:32This will make you laugh, sir.
07:34In this part of the country, it is an offence
07:36to drive an untaxed, unlicensed, uninsured car.
07:48Ah!
07:54Ah!
07:56Oh, you got back, then.
08:01Yes.
08:02Hey.
08:03I'm, er...
08:04You haven't gone, I'm not too late, am I?
08:06No.
08:07No thanks to you, though.
08:09Oh, you got the black coat on for me, eh, Sin?
08:11He's upstairs, if you want to catch him.
08:13Ah.
08:14Hey, 15 years.
08:16Been a long time, hasn't it, Nellie?
08:18Not long enough for me.
08:21So, it's come back, has it?
08:24The drain brain.
08:27Butcher, carry on.
08:28What a lovely homecoming.
08:29What did you expect?
08:30Black Dyke Mills band?
08:32You're supposed to welcome the prodigal son home
08:34with a fatted calf.
08:35Well, I'm very sorry.
08:36We're right out of fatted calf.
08:38You'll have to manage with a bit of pig's cheek.
08:42Well, I'll say this for you, Nellie.
08:44You've not changed.
08:45No, haven't I?
08:46No, just as ugly as the day I left.
08:49I'm to say, you've changed.
08:51Have I?
08:52Yeah, who lifted it for you, McAlpine?
08:57Well, what's gone on?
09:00Did you get married or anything?
09:01Oh, I didn't get married, I, er...
09:04I don't know about the anything.
09:06Cheeky.
09:07Why don't we find a good woman and settle down?
09:09Oh, there's time.
09:11Time?
09:12Who for?
09:13Me.
09:14What are you going to tell her when you do get wed?
09:17All those women.
09:18She'll want to know where you've been, you know.
09:20I mean, before you met.
09:21I'd want to know where my fella had been before I met.
09:24God knows where you've been.
09:26I'm your sister and even I don't know where you've been.
09:29And stop shenanigans.
09:32What about you?
09:33What about me?
09:34Did you never get wed?
09:36No, I didn't want.
09:38Well, I wanted, but...
09:41Hey, how about that horse knackerer that was hanging about?
09:46Horse knackerer?
09:48That man was a veterinary surgeon.
09:53Taught me a thing or two.
09:54Did he?
09:55Yeah, that man had healing hands.
09:57I've seen a cat stretched out there as though dead.
10:02And that man has picked it up, that cat, with his hands
10:05and pressed it to his warm bosom.
10:07That cat has put his little paw up to his cheek.
10:10Has cracked his eyes out.
10:13I'll scratch your eyes out for you in a minute.
10:15Hey, how about the other fella, the lay preacher that was sniffing around?
10:18Sniffing around?
10:20Sniffing around?
10:21He fancied you.
10:22You, what's your tongue?
10:24That man went as a missionary to Nigeria.
10:28Aye, you must have put the bloody wind up his...
10:31Bloody wind up his...
10:35I'll choose to inhale that remark.
10:39Have you come to insult me or to see your father, which or both?
10:43I'm going up now.
10:44Good.
10:45Here, hang that up for me.
10:48And be careful with it, there's still three months to pay on it.
10:52DOORBELL RINGS
10:59Dad?
11:01Who is it?
11:02It's me.
11:03Who the hell's me?
11:05Don't you recognise me?
11:08Are you the new window cleaner?
11:11It's me, Eli.
11:13I was younger than thee.
11:16I was younger than me when I left.
11:19I tell you, it's Eli.
11:21How do I know it's Eli?
11:23You might have come to be secret amigurkins.
11:25You daft old bagwash.
11:27I don't want your flipping gherkins.
11:29Eli, you've come back.
11:32I hope you're not exciting him.
11:34Exciting him? If he goes on the way he has been doing, I'll be in there with him.
11:38Nelly, he's come back.
11:40How are you, Eli?
11:41I see what you've done. He's had a prolapse.
11:49You'd best have your pill.
11:51I don't want no bloody pill.
11:53You know what Dr Arkwright said, you've got to have it three times a day.
11:56Not wondering in bed.
12:00Swallow it.
12:01I can't, I'm too dry.
12:04Too dry? It says nothing on here about swallowing it down with half a pint of bitter.
12:08Come on, swallow it.
12:19That didn't hurt, did it?
12:23You aggravating flamer.
12:25Hey, let him suck it.
12:27Suck it? That pill is the product of studied by desiccated scientists who have took years and years to make it.
12:36Not a flaming mint imperial.
12:39He can swallow it.
12:41He can't.
12:42Why not?
12:43He hasn't got enough spit.
12:48I'll get him a drink of water then.
13:00All right then?
13:01Yeah.
13:02Right, I'll be off now, see you.
13:04Here, I want to talk to you both.
13:06Well, mate, if you haven't got time, you know, there's things to do, there's arrangements to be made, you know.
13:10What for?
13:11For after that, for after you've gone.
13:14Are you having dew at Spread Eagle?
13:18I thought we'd have it at the Brown Cow, it's more select.
13:22Hey, I don't like beer at Brown Cow.
13:25No, neither do I.
13:31You won't be having any, will you?
13:34Hey, I've just had a thought.
13:36Let's have dew before Eagle's and then he can be there as well.
13:39That wouldn't be right, would it?
13:41No, it wouldn't be right.
13:42I mean, how can we be sitting there, I mean, saying what a good send-off we're giving you,
13:46and you're sat sitting there supping brown beer?
13:50Well, if we had it at Co-op, we could get Divvy on it.
13:54Here, what have you done about me headstone?
13:57I've thought of some lovely words too.
13:59Tired he was, and did not know it.
14:02Suffering much, he did not show it.
14:06He saw all, and thought it best...
14:08To put him back in the old oak.
14:11To take him home, and give him rest.
14:15Who are you talking about?
14:17You, you daft piece.
14:19How about, from number seven he went to heaven?
14:23Here, can you get a mentioning about me medal?
14:26This is an headstone, not an autobiology.
14:31Summit of my career, that medal were.
14:34Brussels Grand Prix, 1899.
14:38Oh, he's off again.
14:39I've still got a bottle of gherkins up, won't it?
14:42I beat them all.
14:43Ah, well, come on.
14:44Oh, he like it.
14:46One of golden rules.
14:48Never let your collies crumble.
14:53I'll try not to.
14:55Purest pickles in England, then.
14:57Stand back to back.
14:59What?
15:00I want to see how much I realise grown.
15:03Well, don't be so mean, he has grown, hasn't he?
15:06You've been up there, and I've been down here,
15:08ever since we've been so high.
15:10Best humour him.
15:11Come on, he'll not be with us for long.
15:13Don't be daft, you'll seat lots of us out, he will.
15:16All right, Dad?
15:17Yes, I'm all right, Frank.
15:23I'm glad you were able to come, Frank.
15:26Frank? He has gone, hasn't he?
15:37APPLAUSE
15:56Come on, then, sit down.
16:03Er...
16:04He's gone now.
16:07I said he's gone now, Walter.
16:09Bye.
16:10Bye.
16:11Let's not be seeing him again.
16:13No.
16:15No.
16:17With me mother now.
16:18That'll teach him.
16:23Would you like a cup of tea?
16:24No, it's all right, we'd best be going.
16:26Walter's looking very tired.
16:28Hardly worthwhile him coming home from the cemetery, was he?
16:32You'll not forget about that overcoat, will you?
16:35No, would you like to take it now?
16:37Oh, no, it wouldn't be proper, would it?
16:39Not so soon after.
16:40I'll call for it tomorrow.
16:43Ta-ra.
16:44Ta-ra, Walter.
16:45Ta-ra.
16:46And there you go, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
16:49Just as if.
16:53Well, I hope you're satisfied.
16:55What do you mean?
16:56You know what I mean.
16:57I don't know.
16:58Well, if you don't know, I'm not telling you.
17:00Well, what the hell have I done now, then?
17:01What the hell have you done now?
17:02A fine sight you looked.
17:04There, at that cemetery.
17:05Stood standing there.
17:07With a camel hair coat on and brown shoes.
17:09Chief mourner.
17:10It's not what you wear, it's what you feel.
17:12Oh, it's a wonder you could feel anything.
17:14The state you were in.
17:15I were mourning my dad.
17:16It's traditional to have a few drinks at a funeral.
17:18Not before the burial.
17:22I'll never forget this day, as long as I live.
17:25Showing me up in front of the vicar.
17:28Look, as a mark of respect, all I did was to put an extra shovel full on.
17:34Well, there's no need to shout one for the pot.
17:38Oh, come on, Nelly.
17:41There's no need for you and me to go on like this, you know.
17:43There's only thee and me now.
17:45And what a word of that sad fact.
17:48Hey, you've still got this.
17:50Yeah.
17:51Yeah, me dad liked it.
17:52I said I'd chucked it out years ago.
17:54Hey, remember when I won it for you?
17:56At Blackpool Wakes, when we were kids.
17:59Yeah.
18:00You went to that stall where those ducks were, didn't you?
18:02That's right.
18:03You know, they had a...
18:05They put a ball in its mouth,
18:07and it went down there and come out there in a number.
18:11You'd just been on the Big Dipper and been sick.
18:15All over me new shoes.
18:19We had some happy times, though, didn't we?
18:22No.
18:24Why not?
18:25Well, I mean, every time I thought I was getting off with a fella,
18:27you'd come and stick your big nose in.
18:29It's been like that ever since.
18:31You've held me back, you know.
18:32How have I held you back?
18:34Well, I mean, you didn't stop with me to help me with him, did you?
18:37And as soon as you've got what you want, I suppose you'll be off.
18:40That's you.
18:41Self first, last, and all the way between.
18:44Aye, I'll just get what's coming for me, and I'll bush off.
18:47What about the factory, then?
18:49Oh, you can have that.
18:50I'm not standing there pickling all day.
18:54Stuffing onions in bottles.
18:56Well, I'm not running it, you know.
18:58I mean, I've lived with him and his pickles up there, you know.
19:00I mean, for all these years, it's about time I went off now.
19:04Well, shut yourself.
19:05Why do you think I left off?
19:07I couldn't stand the pong any longer.
19:10It does cling, doesn't it?
19:13Hey, it nearly ruined my manhood, you know.
19:15I smelt like a dirty great pickle-gherkin.
19:20No wonder I never got a bit of crumpet.
19:24Hey, you know what they used to call me at school?
19:27Pickle-Early Nelly.
19:32You were lucky.
19:33They used to sit me on my own by an open window.
19:38Hey, get up.
19:39What?
19:40That's my dad's chair.
19:41Well, he's not going to be using it much now, is he?
19:44He can hear you, you know.
19:45Can he?
19:47Hey, Dad, can I sit in your chair?
19:49Don't mock. Stop it off.
19:51Spirits can talk, you know.
19:53Oh, yes.
19:54Last year, I spoke to my mother.
19:56What's more, she spoke to me.
19:58Of course, we went to a séance, you see.
20:00It wasn't her voice.
20:02It came through a mediocre.
20:05And she said to me, she said,
20:07Nelly?
20:08Oh, there, Nelly.
20:11Yes, I said, Mother, I am here.
20:14She said, Nelly, how's your back?
20:18You'd believe her, wouldn't you?
20:21What, did she know about me back?
20:23You've been on about it for 20 years.
20:25Everybody in bloody Cornwall's invited you back.
20:28Come in.
20:29Good afternoon.
20:30How do? How much?
20:34Well, he ain't come here to deliver 600 weights of nutty slack now, has he?
20:38Well, if it's not convenient, I...
20:39Of course it's convenient.
20:41Come in here, Mr Featherbrain.
20:44Yes.
20:46Oh, not that chair there.
20:48That's my dad's chair.
20:50Well, we'll try and make it as informal as possible.
20:52Oh, no more about that. How much?
20:54Well, first, there are a few minor requests.
20:57Every employee is to receive ten pounds for every year of service.
21:00Ten pounds for every year of service?
21:02Come in.
21:05Well, he's cracked it for a start, hasn't he?
21:07Hello.
21:08How do?
21:09Albert.
21:10Hello, Miss Nelly.
21:11What do you mean, eh?
21:12Eh, what?
21:15Your dad's teeth.
21:20Yes, we've seen them, yeah.
21:22Close your mouth, then.
21:26Well, Mr Taylor, how long have you been with Pledger's Pickle?
21:2960 years, sir.
21:3060 years?
21:32That's 600 quid.
21:33That's right.
21:34Hey, hey, hang on.
21:35What year was the general strike?
21:371926.
21:38Well, we can knock ten quid off for that for a start.
21:40No, no, I want a black leg.
21:42Ah, you would be, you.
21:43Come in.
21:45You won't tease Arlene, no?
21:47Who the hell's he, the tea lad?
21:50He's one of the drivers.
21:52One of the... one of the...
21:55What do they call him?
21:56The lads call him Danger Man.
22:00Danger Man?
22:02How old are you?
22:03I'm 79.
22:05Are you one of the drivers with them glasses?
22:07Aye.
22:08How did you pass the test?
22:10What test?
22:12The driving test.
22:13You have to pass the driving test.
22:15What, for horse and cart?
22:18That's one on you.
22:20When did they bring that in, the bloody Labour government?
22:25Could we have the others in, please?
22:27Come in, lads and lasses.
22:34Lads and lasses.
22:36Lads and lasses.
22:39That were me dad.
22:41Never psyched anybody.
22:4865.
22:52That seems to be...
22:55How much does that leave us with?
22:57£9.76.
23:01£9.76.
23:03That's not the price of a new costume.
23:05Blame it on Marser.
23:07He had money, and I'm entitled to more than that.
23:09What do you mean you're entitled to more than that?
23:11You never saw him for 15 years.
23:12He wanted you to stay and look after this factory.
23:14Well, what did you do?
23:15Off you went.
23:16What have you put into this factory?
23:18You only get out what you put in.
23:19You've put nothing in, so you take nothing out.
23:21So that's you.
23:24Liquor.
23:28Well, the house is payable, of course.
23:30That's yours.
23:32He didn't finish paying the mortgage until two weeks before the council condemned it.
23:36And the factory has been left to you jointly.
23:38Jointly?
23:39I don't want a flipping factory that pongs halfway to Morecambe.
23:43There is also a trust fund, which will pay you both a lump sum of £20,000.
23:46Thank you, that...
23:48But the money is to be paid to you in five years' time.
23:51Providing that for that five years, you'll both keep the factory going at a nominal wage,
23:55and live together in this house.
23:57Live with her?
23:58Not me.
23:59And there's no ready money?
24:00So far as I can see, no.
24:01All that remains are these.
24:03And what are they?
24:04To my nearest and dearest.
24:05Oh, that's me.
24:06I think it refers to both of you.
24:08Oh, well, and what are they for?
24:10Well, they're keys to two deed boxes in the bottom wardrobe drawer in your late father's bedroom.
24:20Please accept my sincere condolences for your sad loss.
24:25Hey, you opened yours first, now, didn't you?
24:27No, you opened yours first.
24:28No.
24:29You said he'd provide.
24:30Aye, I knew he had some more money tucked away somewhere.
24:32Here, come on, open the box.
24:33Oh, end off, darling, now, now.
24:34Come, open the box.
24:36We'll open them together.
24:38Have you unlocked your box?
24:39Yes.
24:40Right, when I count one, two, three...
24:41Right, one, two, three.
24:44Oh, Lord, you haven't changed, have you, you lied pledge?
24:48Here, come on, we'll open each other's.
24:50Right, then.
24:51On the one, two, three.
24:52Right.
24:53One, two, three.
25:00Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
25:02See, that's me.
25:06He's like you meddling with his gherkins.
25:10Hold on, give that another try.
25:21Why?
25:22He's like you, the bloody gherkins.
25:29Come on!
25:59APPLAUSE
26:3030 seconds, studio.
26:34Remember, have a good laugh now.
26:37P573-1, nearest and dearest, part one, take one.
26:59SILENCE
27:30LAUGHTER
27:53How is he, then?
27:54Oh, he's going.
27:56I said, he's going, Walter.
27:59Oh, he says he's been going for 15 years.
28:02He should be there by now.
28:04Sit yourselves down, will you?
28:08Still, he's got a funny colour.
28:10Oh, he's all right, he always looks like that.
28:13I didn't mean him, I meant your father.
28:17Still, he's had a good life.
28:19Oh, he's 97, you know.
28:21And he's leaving his own monument.
28:23What's he made?
28:24Oh, he's made his mark.
28:25I mean, there isn't a household in Corn that hasn't got Pledger's Pickles in the pantry.
28:29Built that factory up from nothing.
28:31Won a gold medal for his gherkins.
28:35Of course, that was when he was a much younger man.
28:43Are you all right?
28:44Doesn't this always hurt, Prickle?
28:48Oh, I wondered.
28:51I'm glad you've gone.
28:53Well, I am your second cousin.
28:55It's his new overcoat, sport and thought.
28:58Lily, wait till he's gone.
29:01No, I was just thinking it might do for my Walter.
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