00:04Did you know a full moon is perfect for a werewolf to come out?
00:07I'm gay.
00:18I went to the bookshop today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
00:22They said hardbacks. I said yep, with little heads.
00:26Just when you thought food couldn't make a phone call, boom, onion rings.
00:38Three ladies were sat in a park when a man runs over in a trench coat and flashes them.
00:42Two of the ladies had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.
00:50How do you think the unthinkable with an iceberg?
00:56What's better than eating a mandarin?
01:03We'll try again.
01:07What's better than eating a mandarin?
01:10Eating a mandarin?
01:12I asked a German girl for her number and I'm currently waiting for the rest.
01:16So far all I have is nine.
01:21Sorry, that one gave me flashbacks.
01:27Thank you for your service.
01:33My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good
01:37and dead.
01:37After two minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
01:43I got a new stick of deodorant today.
01:45The instructions said remove the cap and push up button.
01:47Still struggling to walk.
01:53During my checkup, I asked my doctor, do you think I'll have a long and healthy life?
01:57He said, I doubt it.
01:58Mercury's in your right now.
02:04Why is it always the bum jokes that are funny?
02:10During my checkup, I asked my doctor, do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?
02:13He said, I doubt it.
02:14Mercury's in your right now.
02:16I said, I don't do any of that astrology stuff.
02:18He said, neither do I.
02:19My thermometer just broke.
02:25All right, Tim.
02:26I've never done this with you.
02:27So we're going to try something new, right?
02:29Your mama's so fat.
02:35Why did you do that?
02:40Your mama's so fat.
02:41She can only play C.
02:51I told my doctor that the hemorrhoid cream he gave me caused a really bad reaction.
02:55He said, where did you apply it?
02:57I said, on the bus.
02:57Yes.
03:02They used to call it a jump-a-lean.
03:04Till your mama got on it.
03:07What do you call a Spanish man being discharged from the hospital?
03:11Manuel.
03:15Fun fact for you.
03:16Before the crowbar was invented, crows used to drink at home.
03:25What do we want?
03:27What do we want?
03:27Race car noises.
03:28When do we want them?
03:29Meow.
03:32Mortal Kombat was actually based on a Scandinavian church song.
03:35It was a Finnish hymn.
03:38Mmm.
03:39Mmm.
03:41My grandma's been looking down at me all Christmas.
03:44We really need to fix that chairlift.
03:47A bouncer says, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
03:50I said, Warren.
03:50She said, I don't know who you are.
03:52This is my trampoline.
03:59It's fine.
04:02My girlfriend and I are trying long distance.
04:04I have to stay a hundred feet away from her at all times.
04:06And the police have also told me to stop calling her my girlfriend.
04:26I'm so sorry, Jake.
04:38I thought you were going to say, I wasn't recording.
04:44I was thinking about that.
04:46Oh, that was like a little fountain.
04:58Oh.
05:01Why did you say phone?
05:03Oh God.
05:04Oh.
