- 2 days ago
In this episode of Daddies, hosts Rob Stott and Marcus Hurley get real about what it actually takes to raise a child in today's world. Rob shares his experience of solo parenting for five days while his husband took a five-night getaway to Bali, diving into the mental load of managing a four-year-old on your own, losing weekend naps, and why having zero solo time is so exhausting.
Together, they tackle the old-fashioned "daddy daycare" and "babysitting" comments dads still hear in public, the r
Together, they tackle the old-fashioned "daddy daycare" and "babysitting" comments dads still hear in public, the r
Category
🛠️
LifestyleTranscript
00:00okay i don't think saying i'm a solo parent is in any way kind of making myself a victim
00:06no going poor me i'm a solo parent um if anything it's kind of and i don't want to
00:13spin it too far the other way but it's a privilege to be able to have that much
00:17one-on-one time with your child hi and welcome back to daddy's a podcast about life on the other
00:26side of kids i'm rob that was really good thanks i'm marcus hi marcus we're from man of many aren't
00:32we yes um and this is daddy's this is daddy did you say that i think i probably did yeah
00:36you did
00:37great um so we've normally kicked things off with um too much information now we're going to have
00:44like a more pleasant kind of side alley trip to random acts of kindness sure um do you do you
00:53have any because like and i think it's towards us as opposed to because obviously we're very very
00:59kind yeah we're very kind people but like have you ever experienced someone being like and within the
01:03realm of billy and yourself i mean i uh you know to let people in behind the scenes we discussed
01:11this
01:11before the show and i was trying to think about a recent random act of kindness that someone has
01:17showed towards me and i was coming up blank but i i did one of my favorite attempts at a
01:23random act
01:24of kindness which is something that happens to me surprisingly often is i'll be out with billy just
01:30the two of us or maybe me and it especially happens if i'm out with another dad and their child
01:36um some lovely member of the public usually an older person will look at us and go oh aren't you
01:45sweet giving your wife the day off that's very kind of you and then you kind of have to go
01:50like
01:51you go you kind of have to nod along and go like yeah yeah yeah because otherwise it's too hard
01:56to
01:56explain like i actually like i don't have a wife we have a whole podcast to get to like there's
02:01a lot
02:02of thoughts um percolating inside they mean well yes they do well they do think i'm being a good dad
02:08do but i don't want to do they mean well though i mean it's it's the idea that it's the
02:16it's like
02:16the daddy daycare thing or the oh you're babysitting your kids today that drives me um and i understand
02:22traditionally yes the the mother is the primary caregiver but it does it just opens up that whole
02:29i find it a very like it's a very old-fashioned way of looking at it and like they mean
02:33well yes but
02:34you know dads can look after their kids and when dads are looking after their kids
02:39it's not babysitting no it's just parenting yes then being a dad yeah no i i'm not going to say
02:46it
02:47angered me when you said that because i didn't know what your random act of kindness was going to be
02:51but it did um it brought up a lot of things about the shift in perceptions from x amount of
03:01years
03:01ago to today because i think if you walked along the street now and you see a dad with a
03:07child or
03:09children it is perfectly acceptable and you're like oh well done round of applause for you good on
03:15i mean you you worked all week and like you had your meals made for your mate and now you're
03:23spending
03:23time with your kids i don't yeah maybe i should stop talking i don't know is it okay
03:30yeah this is a safe space all right um yeah i think it's because i've experienced that as well
03:37and i like that is me a hundred percent of the time well fifty percent of the time one hundred
03:44percent of the time it's me and bino doing everything and so my kind of random act of kindness
03:51as well and like i couldn't like you pinpoint one exactly no one's been kind to us recently well
03:57but i think when they are it's shocking because i think because i think i am i'm one hundred percent
04:05switched on all the time when i'm with bino and so when someone offers even the smallest amount of
04:11help i'm like oh can i can i is that what that allowed what help are they offering oh i
04:20don't know
04:20i can look after sabrina while you go and do xyz that is nice or hey look uh like we
04:27might be
04:28hanging out with a group of people it's like oh marcus go off and like i can't pinpoint it exactly
04:33but it's just this little reprieve you get a little break yeah yeah which is very nice and when it
04:41comes
04:42to like so with my 50 50 custody i'm always hesitant to have a babysitter or have a friend
04:52or have a family member look after her because i well no that's my time so i'll just shift things
04:58yeah and i experienced it yesterday with someone offering me an opportunity through work and the
05:04amount of calendars i had to look at and the amount of things i had to shift in order for
05:10me to go yes i
05:11can possibly do that and it's talking to co-parents and it's i think i'd managed to get a dentist
05:18appointment and a doctor's appointment on the same day but then this work event will be on that day
05:23so i've got to shift that and you've got to shift that it's it's a lot so maybe i just
05:29need to learn
05:29to say hey thank you for that offer of support i will take it or maybe this segment is a
05:35desperate
05:36call out to our friends and family yeah to pitch it a bit more help us help us
05:42can i just tell it not related but can i tell a very quick story yeah sure i was down
05:46in canberra
05:47with my family uh for bino's fifth birthday a couple of weekends ago and we were sitting around
05:53the dining table and my little sister was showing uh pictures you know those portraits that you get
05:59of families like family portraits i never did that when i was a kid no but yeah i mean i
06:04know i know
06:04what they are they exist and they're all like soft lighting and pastels and all this kind of thing
06:08um so my sister had got that for her uh family they've got a new daughter and well not new
06:15she's
06:15like a year old um newish but then obviously my phone was listening to me and so i got served
06:22all
06:23these competitions all these giveaways for family portraits and i entered two and lo and behold i won
06:29both of them um and so now i've got two family portraits booked in oh good for i think a
06:35couple
06:35of weeks time um i've had to shift it a lot because you know things come up um but the
06:41funny thing is i
06:42sent an email saying hey i need to reschedule this and they sent an email back going oh no worries
06:48um
06:48do you have a partner that we could put on your profile i couldn't see um it's only you
06:53um and i'm not being a victim but there was part of me going i'm allowed to not have a
06:59partner yeah
06:59um but then they uh replied this morning saying oh no that's that's fine like it's yeah that is i'm
07:07a single mum too and so blah blah blah see you on the insert date here um so just a
07:12funny little
07:13anecdote about assumptions the life of me so you've got two portrait sessions coming up yeah have you
07:22given thought to what i mean this is an opportunity oh well you can do like well you can do
07:27different
07:27themes for the portraits well one of them has like a little fairy garden great you know okay so she'll
07:32absolutely love that although i wonder is she what's the age where you outgrow the fairy garden yes i
07:37haven't reached it yet okay cool i don't mean billy yeah i don't think bino's there yet we watched
07:42the frozen three trailer like it was a pirated version of the trailer is there a first film yeah they
07:49announced it the other day i didn't know um and so she's still really into that so i think i've
07:53got
07:53at least six months before she's like i don't want to do anything to do with princesses or fairies
07:59and i don't know hopefully it's math english and learning french we're really into maths and english
08:05at the moment yeah it's fun she's very cute billy's new obsession is counting to 100 that's her love
08:10language um she's also into princesses and superheroes she's into everything so fairy garden for one
08:17portrait yes what are we doing for portrait i think we're going to balmoral beach okay and
08:21wearing pastels and frolicking along the sand rolling up the cuffs of your chinos yeah strolling
08:27along the sand gorgeous i think it'll be nice like we'll put it up on the like i say i
08:31won a
08:31competition i think they pitch it as oh no the photography session is free but then you have to
08:38pay for all the prints that's how they get you so i'm going to pay for all the prints and
08:41it's just
08:41going to be me and sabrina looking pastelli on all of our apartment walls beautiful brilliant
08:46rob yes tell me about your week well it was fine i've been i've been solo parenting this week oh
08:54what's that like you you know all about it no my husband uh recently left his job after seven very
09:02long intense years and i said to him at the end of that i don't care what you do but
09:07you must go
09:08away somewhere so he's been away on holiday he's been on holiday yeah i made him go am i allowed
09:13to know bali yeah i made him go you made him go so you're okay well i gave him the
09:18choice i said i
09:19said you have to go somewhere yeah and relax and he chose bali wow five nights did he have a
09:24good
09:24time yeah he had a great time so you have a tan he has a tan um he did it
09:29was one of those like
09:30slightly woo woo resorts where you do like sound healing and you know sunrise yoga and whatever else
09:37what's that like when your partner comes back and they are probably on a completely different
09:44level to you in terms of zen and peace well that was the aim that was what you're going for
09:50all right
09:51and we achieved it okay but we are i mean we are in different hands you know he came he
09:54came back
09:55very relaxed and a lot of his stories for the last few days have started with like when i was
10:00in
10:00bali i get it you know when i was at home anyway it's been fine but it is hard the
10:07solo parenting
10:08thing and i only have to do it every now and then what did like can you pinpoint one or
10:12two moments
10:13where you were like this is really hard it's just i mean weekends so she goes to daycare most five
10:22days a week uh because that's the only way you can survive these days um weekends are tough we've
10:30also only in the last like sort of couple of months dropped weekend naps completely i remember
10:37when that happened oh man i loved weekend naps and we were getting one occasionally on a saturday if
10:43it had been a big week we'd been doing that for a while but now it's just off the cards
10:47but then on
10:48the other side of that without the nap i assume billy maybe she's exhausted by the end of the day
10:53so easier to go to bed at night yes yes definitely and um it is a great excuse to just
11:00sit down and
11:01watch some tv as well and go um and say like oh you know she needs she needs some quiet
11:06time yeah she
11:06needs that so in order to do what's best for her let's let's put on half convincing
11:15um yeah i fine no uh yeah i do i do solo parent you do it all the time but
11:21like that's all i know so
11:22i'm and i don't i hope okay i don't think saying i'm a solo parent is in any way kind
11:32of making
11:33myself a victim no going poor me i'm a solo parent um if anything it's kind of and i don't
11:40want to spin
11:41it too far the other way but it's a privilege to be able to have that much one-on-one
11:45time with your
11:47child um because often well i would say in a traditional setup or just a family with two
11:55parents you do you do kind of split that and you you get your separate time that was the other
12:00thing
12:01that was actually tough for me for solo parenting for five days was just no solo time like you know
12:06i didn't make it to the gym for five days that's stuff that you need to unwind yes that you
12:10just
12:10don't get i should just take billy to the gym with you she'd love it into it yeah i've got
12:15a musical
12:15theater audition this saturday and i'll be taking bino with me what are we allowed to know what role
12:20you're auditioning for well what if i don't get it and then i look like a chump um uh well
12:25you know
12:25how i went to greece and mama mia the musical is set in greece uh-huh that one oh well
12:31can you guess
12:31which uh role i'm going for you know i've never seen mama mia pierce brosnan's role okay yeah that
12:36tracks um but yeah look going back to weekends i i may have said this before but i need one
12:46marquee event on the saturday and one marquee event on the sunday yep because i think i'm getting better
12:53at it but if i don't have something to kind of plan towards the idea of going oh there's 12
12:58hours
12:59that i need to fill um in quotations with my five-year-old you need some structure yeah um and
13:07so that that helps me so next time um your husband goes to bali without you um just give me
13:14a call
13:14yeah i could be a marquee event billy and bino should meet do you they should actually they haven't done
13:20that very special episode of the podcast there's an idea um do you have though a network around you
13:29to help with the solo parenting stuff i think it takes a village as they say yes it does take
13:34a
13:34village i think it's
13:40yes yeah so i do i do have a village yes um and i've done a bit of research
13:46because i'm always fascinated with the genesis of these um these sayings um so where are we
13:52so it takes a village to raise a child originates from traditional african cultures and proverbs
13:58um i'm not going to bastardize or completely stuff up the pronunciation of this but um in a couple of
14:08different um the in nigeria for example it takes a community or a village to raise a child uganda
14:14um a child does not grow up only in a single home and tanzania a child belongs not to one
14:21parent
14:21or home um and so my village is like i struggle because i've got mates who might be single parents
14:34who we kind of hang out but like a lot of the time it is just me and bina yeah
14:39um and
14:42i've gone through this process of going okay is it my responsibility to go hey big sister little
14:49sister let's hang out or is it their responsibility and that's a bit of victimy going why isn't anyone
14:56calling and saying you have bino this weekend and we should hang out um but i think i am
15:02getting better at kind of um initiating those kind of get togethers um in terms of like i'm not a
15:12member
15:12of a mom's group or a dad's group um and i know they can be particularly important yeah we still
15:19chat to some of the people in our parents group they were a good good group but not everyone gets
15:22a good parents group you know but like you try a few different ones right well we didn't have to
15:27we quite liked ours well there you go you nailed it that's part of our village and they are helpful
15:31billy does go to them occasionally if we need if we need a hand so i wasn't a member and
15:36i'm still not
15:37a card carrying member of any parent groups you can't join one now yeah you think so i think so
15:42well i'm looking forward to school yes i think that's a place um and i kind of want to backtrack
15:47on my lack of tribe because i do i have my family and i have my friends and i do
15:52have um all the dads
15:54all the cool dads at daycare have been trying to organize a lunch get together with just the dads
16:00for about 18 months dude's right um so we're we're trying but we do enjoy like all the daycare
16:06parties and we rock up and okay we all hang out that's good it's good when you get along with
16:10the daycare yeah that's right yeah but then i think school will open that up as well yeah because
16:14b and i will have extracurricular activities i assume there's whatsapp groups or all of those and
16:19then i'll make friends that way you'll make some friends yeah yeah um your village pretty small
16:26village too to be honest yeah uh doesn't need to be huge we got some friends in the area we
16:31got some
16:31you know we got the the parents group like i say um including in our parents group another set
16:36of uh gay dads raising a little girl which was great nice to have like some other you know
16:41billy to see some other kids and when you meet with them yeah do you talk about oh gosh it's
16:47been
16:47a hard week yeah this happened and this is what i did like is it really kind of supported yeah
16:52sometimes yeah sometimes yeah or sometimes it's just like hey we're busy can you take billy for
16:57the day yeah i'll do that as well which is really nice yeah perfect um and we've got our 17
17:01year
17:01old babysitter saskia shout out to saskia if you're listening she does a great job i'd be surprised if
17:05she's listening is she good she is great okay we'll talk because i might need a babysitter i don't
17:10have a babysitter on the roster she's okay great uh but tony's british so his family's all in the uk
17:16so we don't have that side of the family although when we do go over to visit it's lovely uh
17:21my
17:22parents my parents live in canberra and it might as well be the uk sometimes because i'd have to go
17:27to canberra yeah and nobody wants that no um but my parents are current they're they're our number one
17:32babysitter they're our like if we have a you know weekend plans or something she'll go to
17:36rose and grandpa's and she loves it there which is great they love having her win win win uh but
17:43mom and dad are on the big three month gray nomad caravan trip around the country at the moment
17:50which is lovely for them and it's great to see them you know taking the happy snaps at uluru and
17:55whatnot
17:56but i i would like my babysitters back they never talk about when like members of your village leave
18:02yeah like what's that all about rude yeah it is rude don't they know they've got a job you want
18:07to go
18:07and enjoy your retirement no i need a babysitter rude um so i i reached out to my village yeah
18:17because
18:17i do have a village i'm like guys yeah give me your understanding of a village because um look and
18:24when i say my village it was my immediate family and uh brother-in-laws and uh the whole the
18:30whole
18:30fam and i was just intrigued because it's one of those sayings that kind of you know it and whether
18:38you how heavily you act on it or how present it is in your life i think varies um maybe
18:45we play a game
18:46and you can guess who said what because i think you understand in your family yeah you understand the
18:50dynamic of most of my family i think i think yeah well um um um a village is always kind
18:57and caring
18:58and puts others first well that's lovely i'm going to assume it's come from a woman in your family
19:04correct is it your mother yeah it's my mother thank you mother that's nice and i think that is the
19:12kind of village that or the kind of environment that she that's a very motherly take for me yeah
19:17no and she's always saying and i said it no probably said it before she just wants their kids to
19:22be
19:22happy of course i think that's a really good approach don't we all yeah i'm pretty happy i think
19:26um now where's and now i think you'll get this one as well i already i already have a guess
19:33the way
19:34it's written i was like i won't give it away um the village is a metaphor for connection a strong
19:41sense of being connected underpins well-being and sound personal development the village keeps us
19:47grounded and molds us as we grow that is without a doubt the voice of david hurley yeah yes but
19:55like
19:58it gives meaning like i i understand it but it's very formally it's very formal yes it's
20:03beautifully written yeah that's a man who's written some speeches in his time i think he should um
20:07send that in to what's the like uh front-running dictionary these days like the oxford dictionary
20:13is like yo i've got a way better definition um and then you don't really know my sister so i'm
20:21not
20:21going to make you guess but there's some really nice stuff in here um this is from my brother-in
20:27-law
20:28and he and he talks about the kind of struggles you have and i think you mentioned this with your
20:32uh parents-in-law over in the uk yeah or your gray nomad um parents um things like distance from
20:39friends and family moving for work or housing uh means villages take intention and effort um i think
20:46a village is one of those things baked in uh to being uh so he's part of a church community
20:50uh baked
20:51into being part of the church community but for many it drops off the radar with younger kids because
20:56of effort involved in getting there um and the trade-off of getting out the door and it seems
21:01too hot and i think the like the church example is interesting because it speaks to maybe communities
21:10that we had maybe decades back in the day and writing a bit look the census was a couple of
21:18weeks
21:18ago so we'll find out how prevalent it is um but it is i think you had those baked in
21:23centers of
21:24community which maybe we don't it's kind of eroded and now it's replaced by like daycare and stuff
21:30which i guess is fine like those are nice but it's not quite the same but you don't have that
21:34place
21:34that you go to no on a weekend everyone will be there the nice thing we do have like mentioned
21:39parents overseas also as discussed previously overseas surrogacy so we actually do have a it's a
21:46village in a different way which is like they're around the world so you know billy's uh biological
21:52mother and her surrogate are in canada they you know we have our surrogate gave birth to another
21:58daughter down in melbourne we've obviously got our family in the uk we've got friends all over the
22:03world so it's like as we as she grows up and explores the world she is going to have this
22:08village
22:09people to meet to spend time with to explore the world with they're all over the place but i just
22:15don't have a babysitter for right now no but and i think your your your village comes with that
22:20sense of understanding as well i mean because you're all from similar um circumstances um and
22:27so that understanding as billy grows up she'll be around people that know okay we know what it was
22:32like kind of growing up with two dads and like they can have a back and forth around that yeah
22:37um so i
22:38think villages okay rob so it does it takes a village do you have any closing remarks on um
22:44villages and it taking one um i love my village i wish my parents would come home from their
22:54trip soon is there anything is there anyone or anything that you would add to your village
22:59what's missing from your village we don't have any um we don't have any cousins
23:05in our family are you guys only child no well we i have cousins in the uk gotcha uh but
23:12neither of
23:12my siblings have kids so no cousins here gotcha catch up with my cousins kids every now and then
23:19christmas that sort of thing and it is lovely love billy's like great love watching her play with other
23:25kids her age especially kids who are family but yeah no cousins which is like you know i grew up
23:29with
23:29cousins they were a big part of my childhood i did too but they were a lot older than me
23:33and i'm
23:33wondering from billy's point of view who would she say is her village she she would talk about
23:40her grandparents for sure on both sides um she does talk about her cousin uh we my sister-in-law
23:47recently had a baby little baby demi shout out to demi if you're listening you're three months old
23:53um and billy does call her her little sister there you go so that's very it is very sweet we've
23:58had to
23:58try to explain that that's not quite how it works but you know it is very sweet so you know
24:02if
24:03anything that's what's missing from our village a couple of cousins but you know c'est la vie
24:07and the more i think about it if i'm going through bino's eyes her village is huge like she's got
24:13cousins on my side she's got cousins on her mom's side she's got all like they're all down in camera
24:19she's got huge family down there she's got my family up here she's got daycare she's got swimming
24:23she's got ballet she's got gymnastics i think her village is fine and i'm taking no credit for that
24:29but um rob yes it's been a pleasure chatting about villages with you um i thought because
24:37we've got an intern here uh what's his name ervin the intern ervin the intern that's a great
24:42job i know his name um ervin is not a dad no but he seems to have a catalog of
24:49really good dad jokes
24:50so i thought he might not be able to hear him so we'll repeat what he says uh but we
24:55i thought we'd
24:55throw it ervin for a dad joke to close us out what do you think go on okay uh why
25:00did the chicken
25:00cross the road why did the chicken cross the road marcus well the chicken cross the road to get to
25:05the library is that the joke no ah there's more why did the chicken cross the road to get to
25:11the
25:11library why because he wanted to get uh oh i cringed a little yeah i blame ervin the intern who
25:22was over
25:22here i don't know how long i don't know how long the dad joke segment's gonna last um no it's
25:27we're
25:27keeping it okay we're keeping it i've got final right of refusal on that one uh take us out rob
25:32all right this has been daddies i've been rob i've been marcus and you've been great like and
25:39subscribe though because like who wouldn't want to listen to more more dad jokes tell your future
25:44tell your friends tell your family tell your tribe tell the daddies in your life yeah to listen to
25:49daddies the podcast yeah by men of many