00:00ADJ's like, my name's not Brenda.
00:02I don't know if this was meant to be funny.
00:04Who the hell is Brenda?
00:05Why are we mentioning Brenda?
00:06What, shut your mouth, Brenda?
00:08What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
00:09I don't know.
00:10He's in like three scenes.
00:12The first time they meet,
00:13the second time they give weapons,
00:14and the third time to go get the president.
00:18With that shot in the trailer
00:20from the back of the pickup truck.
00:24Now, I mean, you get Bruce Willis.
00:25Why don't you get Bruce Willis to fight Cobra Commander?
00:27You would think, hey, the original Joe,
00:29versus Cobra Commander?
00:31That'd be pretty cool.
00:33No, let's damn fight
00:34some wannabe evil Secret Service guys.
00:39And, okay, he rescues the president.
00:40But I'm like, you get Bruce Willis,
00:42have him some of the outlandish stuff of G.I. Joe.
00:46Like Cobra Commander.
00:47Bruce Willis pissing off and fighting Cobra Commander?
00:50Wouldn't that be cool?
00:52Can't have that.
00:55Flint is a non-essential in this fucking movie.
00:58So there's nothing to say about him.
01:02Rock fights Ray Stevenson
01:04in very heavy shaky cam.
01:07Storm Shadow State guys fight,
01:09but it's hard to follow
01:10because the action sucks.
01:11Because it's edited piss poorly.
01:12Because it didn't get the director
01:13a step-up 2 and step-up 3D
01:15and Jim and the fucking holograms.
01:18Yeah, the director did Jim and the holograms.
01:20This is the guy you get to direct
01:21a fucking big-budget G.I. Joe action movie.
01:24Justin Bieber, Never Say Never.
01:26A fucking concert film of Justin Bieber.
01:30There's nothing that showed
01:31he had any action chops,
01:33and this proved it.
01:34This is why he didn't do action films
01:36ever again,
01:38as far as I can remember.
01:41Just step up 2, 3,
01:42Justin Bieber,
01:44Jim and the holograms,
01:45Crazy Rich Asians.
01:51Even if it's a director I like,
01:53like Ivan Reitman,
01:54I would not get Ivan Reitman
01:55to direct a G.I. Joe movie.
01:56And he's a good director.
01:58Sometimes you gotta get
01:59the right guy for the right fit.
02:01John Chu was not it.
02:07And then you get that whole
02:08cliffside fight,
02:08the idea of most of it
02:09was in the trailer,
02:10they capture Storm Shadow,
02:11and Zartan killed their master,
02:13and he didn't really
02:14kill the master,
02:15but he said in the first film
02:16he did,
02:17because he was goading
02:18Snake Eyes on,
02:19when our master died.
02:20Like, he's pissing Snake Eyes
02:22off purposely with that.
02:24He's not saying,
02:25I didn't kill our master,
02:26so that's bullshit.
02:27That's when they pulled out
02:28of their fucking tight ass.
02:30It was so ineptly written,
02:34even for a fucking G.I. Joe movie.
02:36You wanna see a good G.I. Joe movie?
02:37Go watch Rambo 3.
02:39Especially the ending.
02:41There's your fucking G.I. Joe movie.
02:47And then, again, he...
02:51So, Jonathan Price wants to,
02:52as the president,
02:53wants this universal disarmament,
02:55what, you Superman,
02:56from Superman 4?
02:58I know it's Zartan,
03:00trying to fuck up all the
03:01nuclear mess,
03:03nuclear...
03:03I was almost checked off
03:05from Star Trek 4,
03:06the nuclear whistles.
03:09The Cobra Commander
03:10barely seems like
03:11a fucking character, too.
03:16So, again,
03:17Bruce Willis,
03:18Lady J,
03:18the rescue of the president,
03:21the two ninjas team up
03:23in the area
03:24where there's other ninjas
03:25and Cobra Commander
03:26fucks off,
03:26and The Rock,
03:28in his
03:30big vehicle,
03:31blows some shit up,
03:32chases Ray Stevenson,
03:34they get into a shitty fight
03:35that's like...
03:38Again,
03:39can't follow the action,
03:40bad editing,
03:42bad shaky cam.
03:45Then he gets a briefcase,
03:47blah, blah, blah,
03:48stops the big weapon,
03:49and it's over.
03:51I mean,
03:52again,
03:53you get Bruce Willis,
03:54you get The Rock.
03:56you know what
04:01work
