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00:28I
00:29Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Hello and welcome to Balls of Steel, the show in
00:38which a bunch of comedians embrace stupidity the way George W. Bush embraces stupidity. Coming up tonight. White. Christmas. Man,
00:47that is fucked up. Christmas is for everybody. This.
00:52Oh. And also this. How can we smoke you? No. So let's meet our first contender for the Balls of
01:05Steel crown, Alex Zane.
01:21What kind of evil have you been peddling on the nation's quiz contestants this week? I've created the heart rate
01:27game, quite simply. A contestant must keep their heart rate low to win big money.
01:32OK, that sounds brilliant. In what way did you mess with their heads? Well, I double teamed them this week.
01:39Basically, first of all, the heart rate monitor they were attached to. That was fake. So we increased the heart
01:45rate when we wanted.
01:46And secondly, how did you up the ante? Secondly, they thought they were wearing soundproof headphones. But what we did,
01:53we fed into their headphones and into their little ears conversations that I was having with my producer, which, as
01:59you'd imagine, Mark, were a little bit mean.
02:01Let's take a look.
02:09Hello, and welcome to the Alex Zane heart rate game. Nice to see you. Yes, it is. This is the
02:16show where if you maintain small heart rate, you'll win big money. Let's meet today's contestant. This is David. David,
02:23hello.
02:23Hiya. Good to meet you.
02:24Where have you come from today?
02:25Morley. Just outside Leeds, yeah.
02:27Oh, I know Morley in Leeds. Not had any heart problems recently, I hope.
02:30No, not that normal, anyway.
02:31That's great news.
02:33Let's back on the first round.
02:35The aim of the game is to keep your heart rate below 100 beats per minute.
02:39But what our contestants don't know is that the heart rate monitor isn't real.
02:43And we're just going to give them completely made-up readings.
02:49Your resting BPM is 86.
02:53OK.
02:54Each image is worth £10. Your heart rate goes above 100.
02:57I'm afraid you lose everything, though.
02:59Can we please show David image number one?
03:04It's a shark.
03:05It is a shark.
03:08And you're steady at just over 80 beats per minute.
03:12Here's image number two.
03:13A couple of blonde babes.
03:16Not fitting anything to one of those blonde babes.
03:18There's certainly a few things I'm thinking about.
03:22Clearly nothing that would increase your heart rate, though, eh?
03:27Next image.
03:27Tell me what you see, David.
03:30I'm really worried that you're going to go over the 100 right now.
03:34Your BPM has shot right up.
03:36Over 100, I'm afraid, David.
03:39Wow.
03:39It's shot through the roof, actually.
03:43Describe to me how Dale Winter makes you feel.
03:45He's got absolutely no feelings on him whatsoever.
03:48The heart rate says different, I'm afraid, David.
03:50Can you try and calm down, David?
03:52Can you try him?
03:53Take some deep breaths.
03:57All right, next image, then.
03:59What's that?
04:01Eh, yeah, it's a man's penis.
04:03A man's penis.
04:05And your heart rate is increasing.
04:06Do you want to tell us why?
04:07Well, I don't know why, because that definitely doesn't do a thing for me.
04:11Look, all I'm saying is this tells me scientifically that you like cock.
04:17Try and calm yourself down.
04:18You're clearly in an excited state.
04:20One, four, five.
04:22This is the highest heart rate we've ever had in this show.
04:27I'm afraid that is the end of the round.
04:28Sadly, the picture of a man's front area, and indeed, Dale Winton,
04:34said your heart rate's soaring.
04:37Now, I'm going to wind David up by letting him hear a secret conversation
04:40that I'm having with my producer, and he's not going to like it.
04:44Alex, are you OK down there, mate?
04:45Eh, yeah.
04:46It was a bit of a weird round, though.
04:49I don't know whether he's got a girlfriend or not,
04:50but I think at some point, someone's going to have to have a sit-down chat with our David.
04:55I know Morley.
04:56I know where he's from.
04:57Seriously, Morley's the kind of place where this guy's mum, sister, and daughter are the same woman.
05:04It's Morley.
05:04It's Morley, Michael.
05:06You know?
05:06Give me six.
05:08I insulted his town and him, but now I was going to make him think I was putting his life
05:13in danger.
05:17I'm going to turn off the communication channel.
05:19You ready, David?
05:20Yep.
05:20Let's get that booth heated up in Heartburn.
05:28Alex, apparently we've got to pull the booth.
05:30No, no.
05:30He can't be in there.
05:31Apparently he can't be in there.
05:32You fucking listen to me.
05:34We keep him in there.
05:34It's fine.
05:36The guy who was in there last got one burn, and we fixed it.
05:39If we don't fucking do this, we don't get it commissioned.
05:41Alex, health and safety are saying no.
05:43Just shut up.
05:44No, no, no, no.
05:45David, apparently you've got to get out of the booth.
05:47Quickly, David.
05:50Oh, my God.
05:52Can we get paramedic in there?
05:53Can somebody do something?
05:56Yeah, fine.
05:57Sure.
05:58Basically, I was trying to get them to stop this whole stupid, stupid game show because they
06:03couldn't, they hadn't checked the booth.
06:04I could hear you when I were in there.
06:06What?
06:06You were saying, keep him in there, fuck sure.
06:08They were saying, get me out.
06:09It's not being checked, right?
06:12No, that, no.
06:12Yeah, you were slugging Marley off.
06:14What's all that about?
06:16Well, I don't care.
06:17But there's one doing stuff to do.
06:19There's been no winners today on the Alexane heart rate game.
06:22So if you could just wave into the camera just while the credit's off.
06:24Sorry, could you just keep waving for like 60 seconds?
06:2660 seconds just while the credit's off.
06:41Outrageous, Alexane.
06:42I don't know where to start.
06:44First of all, those photographs that you showed him were extraordinary.
06:47I know.
06:47I was personally very surprised that Dale Whitten's penis isn't more orange, by the way.
06:51The guy was very angry at the end.
06:53I sensed, in a body language, real aggression towards you.
06:56They never are happy, Mark.
06:58You've got to be honest with me.
06:59I'm sure you're very glad to know that you'll never see this man ever again.
07:02Damn straight.
07:03Bad news.
07:03He's here tonight.
07:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's David.
07:10Morley's, Morley's lovely.
07:11Morley's not happy.
07:12Morley's lovely and very close to my house.
07:15Now, he slagged off Morley.
07:17Did you want to just kill him?
07:20I did.
07:20I couldn't understand why I was slagging Morley off, because, I mean, he's a lead slag.
07:23He knows that Morley's a decent place, and there's nothing wrong with Ben and so on.
07:26We've just been a complete twat.
07:29It's...
07:30Look, like, the webbed hands make them very quick underwater in Morley.
07:34This has turned into an unexpected West Yorkshire face-off, which I don't think we can afford.
07:40Okay, well, you've been a fantastic sport, and thanks very much for taking part in Balls of Steel.
07:44Ladies and gentlemen, David!
07:51Well, Alex, once again, your winning formula of quizzes and cruelty has paid off.
07:56Ladies and gentlemen, Alex Zane!
08:02Now, at the end of the show, we're going to need to select a winner,
08:06the person with tonight's biggest Balls of Steel,
08:08and that is where our lovely studio audiences come in.
08:11All of our acts are shown to various studio audiences who vote for their favourite from the acts they've seen.
08:16The act in tonight's episode, with the most votes, wins,
08:19and I will then present the victor with a hugely coveted Balls of Steel trophy.
08:24So, audience, please pay very close attention.
08:26Tonight, the decision is yours.
08:29Well, ladies and gentlemen, my next guest makes Britney Spears look like Super Nanny.
08:33It's the Scummy Mummy!
08:44Grab a seat, young lady.
08:47Now, you're clearly pregnant, is that right?
08:51Very heavily.
08:53There you go.
08:54How are you finding being pregnant?
08:57Well, I'm being good.
08:57I'm doing everything you're supposed to.
08:59I'm keeping fit, watching my drink.
09:01But everywhere I seem to go, people just get really pissed off.
09:04Hmm.
09:05Seems very unfair.
09:05But maybe there's a reason.
09:07Let's take a look.
09:09You're done too much, much too young.
09:12You're married with a kid.
09:14You should be having fun with.
09:24I'll have a coffee, please.
09:25Coffee?
09:26I shouldn't really, though, because I'll meet you for the last month of pregnant, you know.
09:29Yeah, I'm sweet.
09:30But yeah, go on.
09:30That'll be fine.
09:33Aw, lovely.
09:34You're welcome, darling.
09:35You all right?
09:35Oh, I feel a bit funny.
09:39Fun?
09:39Yeah.
09:40Darling.
09:41Oh, it's coming.
09:42Oh, it's coming.
09:43It's coming.
09:45Oh, here we go.
09:53It's just a massive fart.
09:55It's all right.
09:58Oh, it's soaking.
10:00Sorry, but I absolutely stink.
10:03I'm going to have to go and change my thumb.
10:04It's soaking wet.
10:06I love you, yes, I do, because I know that you love me, too.
10:16Have a smell of that.
10:19Oh.
10:19Oh, smells nice.
10:21You couldn't give us a light, could you?
10:24Oh, yeah.
10:24I haven't smoked since I was about four months, so it's not as if I'm being a bad man.
10:28Oh, you are a godsend.
10:29Oh, thank you so much.
10:32Oh, that's fantastic.
10:40Except for if you don't kick them when I have it, because I think he likes it.
10:43Oh, that's charming.
10:52Oh, my God.
10:56Oh, thanks.
11:00Oh, my God.
11:02Oh, my God.
11:04Oh, my God.
11:06Oh, my God.
11:16Oh, thank you. You couldn't put them on for us, could you?
11:19Just because I'm so pregnant, I just kind of bend down. I'm just too fat.
11:23I kind of weight it, shit the little chair about, so I can just get on with my normal life,
11:27you know what I mean?
11:28Because me lad won't shag us anymore.
11:30No, unless we're going to give birth or something.
11:33I have no idea. I keep getting twinges, like, but you just don't know, do you?
11:45Oh my gosh.
11:47Oh, thank God for that. It's just piss.
12:04Wow. Scummy Mummy.
12:10Fantastic work there, Scummy Mummy.
12:12Now, you are clearly about to pop, so will the father be present at the birth?
12:17No.
12:17Okay, is he squeamish?
12:19No, I just don't have a fucking clue who he is.
12:21Oh, how sweet. Fantastic as ever. Ladies and gentlemen, the Scummy Mummy.
12:33It's time to take a break now, but we'll be back shortly with some of this.
12:37You are letting your team down, you're letting the game down, and worst of all, you're letting yourself down.
12:42Fuck off.
12:42Hey!
12:43This.
12:45I'm smoking a fan, can I?
12:47And a bit of this.
12:48What have you done?
12:50What?
12:50He's just used a toothbrush to wash his cock in the bathroom.
12:53See you in three for more Balls of Steel.
13:09Welcome back to Balls of Steel, the show where a bunch of comedians put their necks on the line to
13:14try and win this delightful-looking trophy.
13:17These days, our next guest is hugely in demand, though I think the term the authorities use is wanted.
13:23Yes, it's Nedge and his urban sports.
13:32Look at you.
13:34You are a legend.
13:35Right, son.
13:37Hey Nedge, great to see you again.
13:38Cheers, mate.
13:39Now, what marginally illegal craze have you started this week?
13:42Well, I don't know if you know this, Mark, but the government has fucking banned smoking. It's fucking ridiculous.
13:47Yes, of course, I know all about it.
13:49Well, so anyway, I took it upon myself to break the law, right, and invent a new urban sport at
13:53the same time.
13:54Okay, great. What's it called?
13:55Speed smoking.
13:57Let's take a deep breath, and let's watch.
14:05Here's how you play Nedge's speed smoking.
14:08You go into some gaff where they're fucking banned smoking.
14:12You spark up a snout and smoke as fast as you can.
14:16The more drags you take before some meathead turfs you out, the better you score.
14:21Simple.
14:24Give me 20 MBC, 20 Benson, and 20 Lambert and fucking Butler.
14:28Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
14:34Oh, no, no!
14:37Oh, no, no, no!
14:44Oh, no, no...
14:49It's all right.
14:51Took on.
15:09The fucking hell!
15:11Smoking is bad for your fucking hell!
15:13What?
15:14What?
15:14What?
15:15What?
15:17What?
15:19I feel alright too, man!
15:34Are they alright?
15:35Yes!
15:35Yes!
15:43Yes!
15:46Yes!
15:47Yes!
15:52Yes!
15:53Yes!
15:54Yes!
15:54What's that, mate?
15:55What's that?
15:56I'm smoking a sign!
15:57You know it!
15:58Let's go!
15:59Woof!
16:00Woof!
16:00Woof!
16:00Woof!
16:01Woof!
16:03Woof!
16:04Woof!
16:05Woof!
16:05No fucking hell!
16:10No!
16:17I'm sorry!
16:18Oh my god.
16:19Oh...
16:21Oh...
16:21Oh...
16:22That was the one!
16:23Yeah, this one is dead.
16:25Oh!
16:26Oh!
16:34What's the matter mate?
16:35What's the matter?
16:38I'm not getting used to the rules?
16:40How can I meet smoking?
16:48Can't say
16:52What's the matter mate?
16:56Where are you?
17:02Okay, let's go!
17:08I'm ready, I'm ready!
17:14That's how it is, you?
17:17Don't cry
17:19You smell great!
17:29There you go ladies and gentlemen, another way in which smoking can harm your health in the form of an
17:33angry bouncer.
17:34Yeah, I know, what a twat.
17:35Now, I've also got to say that smoking isn't big or clever, but fantastic work as ever.
17:41Ladies and gentlemen, Ned's hand.
17:43I'm ready!
17:46Toot toot, lovely.
17:51My next guest is hated by all football fans alike.
17:54No, it's not Cristiano Ronaldo, it's our own referee from hell, the Bastard in Black.
18:12Now, you are a football referee, that's a bit of a thankless task, so why do you do it?
18:17Well, in a word, Mark, discipline.
18:19You know, if you look at the modern game, modern footballers are all about going out and getting drunk, crashing
18:25cars and having sex with pensioners.
18:27I believe if you can instill discipline in the players, eventually they will reward you with respect.
18:34Well, that's fair enough. Do you get that?
18:36No, they hate me.
18:38Let's find out why. Here it is.
18:45Tonight on Steel Sports will bring you the action for the Top Glaze Windscreens Cup and the semi-final clash
18:50between Adam and Eve FC and Nemesis.
18:54In charge of proceedings today, Mr. Bastard, who's gained a reputation for being a bit of a ball breaker.
19:02Very important. I'm in charge. No back chat.
19:07Nemesis kicking off. Long ball forward. Good clearance.
19:12Handball.
19:15I honestly don't know how he could give a handball for that. I really do think he needs some sort
19:18of anatomy lesson here.
19:20What's on his head?
19:21OK, we don't want a discussion about it.
19:23Nemesis pushing forward. There's great pace on the wing. Keepers made a good...
19:27Oh, no, he's not. He's bumbled it. Nemesis are through on goal and they've scored.
19:32No goal. Ball didn't cross the line.
19:36It's an absolutely astonishing mistake. It's way over the line.
19:41You know why? Come on, don't play silly. Let's get back on the game.
19:45You know why.
19:48Free kick.
19:52Nemesis take the kick short. Oh, it's a goal.
19:54Well-worked move straight from the training ground, but hang on.
19:58The referee disallowed the game.
20:02Oi, that's dissent.
20:04You are letting your team down. You're letting the game down.
20:07And worse for you're letting yourself down.
20:09Fuck off.
20:09Hey.
20:10I understandably the player's getting very angry there, but it looks like the cards are coming out.
20:15You got a pen?
20:20That is an absolutely shambolic display from the referee.
20:23He can't even keep up with the pace of the game.
20:26Can everyone just slow down for just five minutes?
20:30Adam and Eve hit the long ball, but it's a four-pass a game, and it will roll out for
20:34a goal kick.
20:35Corner.
20:37Corner.
20:39He kicked the ball off, and you still gave it their ball.
20:41Because it's from deflection.
20:43No, it's not.
20:44He kicked the ball off, and you still gave it their ball.
20:46La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
20:48This is you.
20:50They're back on the attack here.
20:52The nemesis winger on the ball.
20:55What is he blowing for now?
20:57Hands again.
21:00This is absolutely ridiculous.
21:04Red, you're off.
21:06Go sit on the bench.
21:07I sent him off, and that is criminal.
21:10Do his hand.
21:11Oh, for fuck's sake.
21:12You can't take it personally.
21:14A long ball from Adam and Eve.
21:16Oh, the referee has volleyed it with his thigh.
21:20Descent.
21:21Now, he's carding somebody else.
21:23Descent.
21:25Someone called me a quack.
21:27I know what I'm hearing, and only definitely one is.
21:29And you.
21:30Right, there you go.
21:32That's three.
21:34Right, fine.
21:36Okay, four.
21:37Anyone else want to call me a quack?
21:40This game is in total meltdown.
21:44It's disgusting.
21:45You're talking to me like that.
21:47No more, no football.
21:48Well, well, well.
21:49The players have revolted, and I would say, I wouldn't be upset if he gets a damn good kicking.
22:05Did those guys, did they destroy you at the end?
22:07Did they try to kill you?
22:08Oh, they try, but no, I'm very, very quick on my feet when I'm being pursued by an angry mob.
22:14Well, you might have to be quick again, because both those teams are here tonight.
22:18Ladies and gentlemen, Nemesis FC and Adam and Eve FC.
22:30Well, chaps, so welcome to Balls of Steel.
22:32Have you guys ever experienced such a bad refereeing performance as that one?
22:36No.
22:36No.
22:37You've obviously never had Graham Pohl.
22:40What was the result of the game in the end?
22:42Nine-one-two up.
22:44Well, well done for being such great sports.
22:46Ladies and gentlemen, Nemesis FC and Adam and Eve FC.
22:55Great work.
22:56Ladies and gentlemen, the Bastard in Black.
23:00Well done.
23:02Hello.
23:06Ladies and gentlemen, watch your P's and Q's every time you're around my next guest.
23:10It's Toddy, the militant black guy.
23:12Don't push me at the top, I'm close to the edge.
23:23Oh, just brilliant.
23:24Todd, it's great to have you back on Balls of Steel.
23:26How are you?
23:27Calling the gang.
23:28Very good to hear it.
23:30How have you been chastising people this week and what kind?
23:34That's when I have to do a little bit of shopping, man.
23:36But let me tell you, Mark, there is prejudice out there.
23:39Prejudice, man.
23:40Of course there is.
23:41So what exactly did you do?
23:42You know what I did, bitch.
23:44I let them know what they needed to hear, man.
23:46That's your job.
23:47And you're brilliant at it.
23:48Let's take a look.
24:09Yes, Mark?
24:09I'm looking for a festive song by Ben Crosby.
24:13The name slips me.
24:16What about White Christmas?
24:20White Christmas?
24:22White Christmas?
24:24Man, that is fucked up.
24:25Christmas is for everybody.
24:27You know what that means?
24:29You know what that means?
24:29That means my black ass ain't invited.
24:32That means no Negroes allowed.
24:34That means keep your chicken eaten, back of the bus sitting, grass smoking ass away from
24:40the festivities.
24:41White Christmas.
24:42What black man in his white mind is dreaming of that shit?
24:44White Christmas?
24:45That is fucked up.
24:46And you know that's fucked up.
24:47Listen.
24:48When the baby Jesus was born in the manger, he did not make the black man a stranger.
24:53If you take it to Santa Claus, I'm going to get Gangster Claus.
24:56You know what I'm saying?
24:57Don't walk away.
24:58You know that shit is true.
24:59You know that shit is true.
25:01That shit is true.
25:04I want a copy of Missile Toe and Wine.
25:06If this is for you too, motherfucker.
25:09Fight the power.
25:10Fight the power.
25:15Fight the power.
25:17Fight the power.
25:18Fight the power.
25:19Fight the power.
25:24Hey, how you doing?
25:26Ah, is this an Irish pub?
25:28Yeah.
25:28Great.
25:29I'd like to try a pint of your Irish Guinness and engage in some of your Irish banter and
25:34jokes.
25:34What is it you guys call it?
25:35The, uh, the, uh, uh, crack?
25:46Crack?
25:46Crack?
25:47I'll come in here for a drink and friendly conversation and you offer me crack cocaine?
25:51Motherfucker, you insane?
25:53You think as I'm black, I smoke crack?
25:55You better step the fuck back before I give you a slap.
25:57Crack.
25:57I shouldn't crack you, motherfucker.
25:59You offer drugs to the brother man instead of the other man?
26:01You better come up with another plan.
26:03I'll come in here for a drink and to converse and you offer me something perverse?
26:06If anybody does drugs, y'all do.
26:07Look at the way you'll dance.
26:08If this ain't crack, I'll come in here what the fuck is.
26:11Good morning, bitch.
26:20Hey, how are you?
26:26Ah, I'm on my way to a party.
26:28I need a bottle of rum.
26:30What would you, uh, suggest that I could mix with that?
26:32A classic combination.
26:34Rum?
26:34Yeah, rum.
26:36Um, Coke.
26:42Coke?
26:42Is that a fucking joke?
26:44You think as I'm a black man, I'm into drugs?
26:46Is that it?
26:47Do I look like Bobby Brown to you?
26:48No, I just...
26:49You should hang your head in shame.
26:51Cocaine.
26:52Do I look high to you?
26:53Do I look high to you?
26:54Sorry, excuse me.
26:55You ain't sorry.
26:56You offered me the shit.
26:57I know what you were thinking.
26:58I know what you were thinking.
26:59You saw a black man come in your store and you automatically assume I'm high as hell.
27:03Is that it?
27:04I know what your game is.
27:06Either up your nose or through your vein, into your brain.
27:09That's a damn shame.
27:10That shit is white lies.
27:12White lies.
27:13Just give me a can of fucking iron brew.
27:15Excuse me.
27:25Fine work there, Todd.
27:27I told you.
27:28As terrifying as ever.
27:29Amen.
27:29Hey, but clearly not terrifying enough because one of the victims of your tirade is here tonight.
27:35It's Craig from the record shop.
27:37Hey, Craig.
27:45Craig, welcome to Balls of Steel.
27:48Customers in your record shop, they don't normally behave like that, do they?
27:51Actually, they do.
27:52I mean, Soho's got plenty of nut nuts and loop-de-loops and I'm kind of used to it.
27:56That is a huge relief, although this guy's got to be extra special.
27:59He did take the biscuit, yeah.
28:01Craig, I know that you're a little anxious that you may have caused offence in what you said to him.
28:05And I understand you've got a little gift by way of apology, is that right?
28:09I have got a little gift.
28:10I just want to say, no, I'm done.
28:12Toja, box of black magic for you.
28:16Okay, we better thank you before it all gets off.
28:19Craig from the record shop.
28:24Brilliant stuff as ever.
28:25Ladies and gentlemen, Toja, the militant black guy.
28:33It's time for a break now, but we'll be back shortly with a conclusion in our search for Balls of
28:38Steel.
28:51Welcome back to Balls of Steel, the comedy show that has no known cure.
28:56It's time now to meet our final contender for the Balls of Steel crown, Mr. Inappropriate.
29:02Mr. Inappropriate, great to have you on the show.
29:15Now, what have you been doing which is highly inappropriate this week?
29:18It has been one hell of a busy week for me.
29:20First of all, my car broke down, which was a complete nightmare.
29:23Then I managed to find myself a room in a house to rent.
29:25But the best news of all is that I managed to get myself a job as a reporter on an
29:30international, a global news-gathering service.
29:33Let's take a look.
29:48Nice cab.
29:50Are these windows tinted?
29:52No, no, no.
29:53That's a shame.
29:55What's a 0-60 on this little bad boy?
29:57Yeah, yeah, it's good.
29:58Is it good?
29:58Yeah, it's all right.
29:59Yeah.
30:01Is that a shop?
30:02Yeah, there's a shop there.
30:03I'll just dive in there and grab some cash.
30:05Two minutes, okay?
30:07Just wait here for a minute.
30:14Okay.
30:18These things are getting hot.
30:21She's going to get up in a minute, so if we could drive, I'd appreciate that.
30:24She won't be down for long.
30:25We'll drive quickly.
30:30Hello, hi, this is Ian Appropriate from IMA PNS News, down live here at Birmingham at the Golf Expo 2007.
30:38You're a king golfer?
30:39Yeah, I love it.
30:40Right, what is it about golf you love so much?
30:42I love the fact that every shot is different.
30:45Hi.
30:46It's the big boss.
30:47Sorry, can you bear with us for two seconds?
30:49Yeah, no problem.
30:50No.
30:51No one.
30:52I know, that's what they said.
30:54Lee Sharp.
30:56Okay, yeah, all right.
30:58Yeah, I'll tell him.
30:59All right, thank you, bye.
30:59Sorry, mate, no, it's all right.
31:01No one's heard of you, so...
31:02All right, cool.
31:03It's all right.
31:03Nice, man.
31:04Thank you, man.
31:09I've just got a problem with my car.
31:11Can I borrow you for two seconds?
31:12Yeah, go on, mate.
31:13Thanks.
31:14It's this one just here.
31:16What have you done?
31:17Lost the keys.
31:19Can I...
31:19Sorry, sorry to be a pain.
31:21Could I borrow your phone for just, like...
31:23Yeah, you can.
31:2320 seconds, thanks.
31:26Hello?
31:27Sorry, yeah, hi.
31:28I've never run one of these numbers before.
31:30I wasn't quite sure.
31:31What are you wearing?
31:36Sorry?
31:37Can you just take...
31:38Can you take your thumb, please,
31:39and pick it up your bum?
31:41It's all you, mate.
31:42What do you mean, what's wrong with me?
31:44Can I finish my call, please?
31:45No, you can't, mate.
31:48Mr Ian Appropriate for IMA PNS News,
31:51standing outside a celebrity hair salon here.
31:53Apparently, the word is,
31:54there are a few celebrities in there.
31:55Let's go in there and ask them a few questions.
31:57Chantelle Horton is with us.
31:59She's a TV superstar.
32:00She's a model,
32:01and you're also a regular in OK! magazine.
32:03How are you?
32:04Very well, thank you.
32:05What do you think of the Australian Prime Minister's
32:06election promise to ratify the Kyoto Agreement?
32:09Um, I don't have a clue what you're going on about.
32:13Agnes Gascoigne, daughter of the legendary football player
32:15Paul Gascoigne joins us.
32:16How are you?
32:17I'm very good.
32:18How are you?
32:18Fine, thank you very much.
32:19Let's start with a few simple questions.
32:21Um, what do you say to those that fear a lot of sovereignty
32:23if Britain adopts the European Constitution?
32:26You're losing in the court to some of the celebrities.
32:29Time for a champagne.
32:32Hi, mate.
32:33Tim here.
32:33How are you?
32:34How are you?
32:34Nice to meet you, Paul.
32:35What are you?
32:36It's freezing out there.
32:37This is nice.
32:40What do you like about pets?
32:42Pets?
32:42What kind of pets do you have?
32:43Couple of dogs.
32:44Couple of dogs.
32:45That's fine with me.
32:46Have you got issues with dogs shitting on your carpet?
32:50Um, hopefully not on the rug.
32:52Are you gay?
32:53No.
32:53I've got a lot of gay friends though.
32:55Yeah, I flipped somebody over and spotted the B-side once
32:57just to try it.
32:58And, uh, we can do it again.
33:00Do you mind if there's a bottle of water?
33:01Yeah, go for it.
33:02There's a one just downstairs there.
33:06Paul, have you got a towel, mate?
33:08Dave's used this one here.
33:10It's fine.
33:11What's that then?
33:12Just having a bit of a gentleman's watch as well, mate.
33:15You can't do this.
33:16You can't use a toothbrush to do that.
33:19Well, it's a good light spot.
33:21That's not your one, is it?
33:23No, I don't have to.
33:24I want you to leave.
33:26What?
33:27He's just used a toothbrush to wash his cock in the bathroom.
33:32You don't need to get shorter with you.
33:41Now, Mr. Inappropriate, now we know why your teeth are yellow, young man.
33:46Oh, thank you very much.
33:48Now, uh, Mr. Inappropriate, did you get the flat in the end?
33:51Absolutely.
33:52Of course I got the flat.
33:53And Paul, I'll tell you what, Paul is the guy who owns the flat.
33:56He's watching.
33:56Paul, can I just tell you, please steer the hell clear of the dental floss.
34:02That sounds like very, very wise advice.
34:05Great work as ever.
34:05Mr. Inappropriate!
34:09Such a good job.
34:14We've now seen all of tonight's entries.
34:16One thing is certain, the coveted balls of steel crown must go to one of these contenders.
34:20They've all got balls, that's a given.
34:22That's why they're here in the first place.
34:23But the question is tonight, who had the biggest balls, the real balls of steel?
34:28Was it...
34:45It's up to the studio audience to decide.
34:48You hold the key to these people's happiness.
34:50Please choose wisely and fairly and press your buttons now.
35:10The votes are counted.
35:11The decision is in.
35:12I can now reveal that tonight's champion of balls of steel is...
35:21Alexei!
35:43It gives me great pleasure to present you with this, Alexei, the balls of steel trophy.
35:47Hold it, cherish it, but please don't keep it because we've only got one.
35:50Thank you for watching, congratulations to Alex and all our performers, they all had balls of steel and this is
35:56how they showed them.
35:57How come this month?
35:58I mean, I don't know.
36:00Anybody does drugs or...
36:02Look at what you're next.
36:03If this ain't crap...
36:06Come here!
36:08You got a pen?
36:10What is the toothbrush that washes cock in the bathroom?
36:18All right, next image, then.
36:22Yeah, there's a...