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Geschätzt zwei Millionen Menschen in Deutschland haben im Erwachsenenalter noch keine oder kaum sexuelle Erfahrungen gemacht, obwohl die meisten von ihnen sich das wünschen. (06.09.2021)
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00:00It is what it is, says love, and it is, says reason, I'm looking forward to my life.
00:11Dear Mr. Wies.
00:16It was more that uneasy feeling of being excluded.
00:20So you really are as innocent as everyone claims?
00:24I've never even had a boyfriend, never kissed anyone or held hands.
00:30Am I an alien now? Many, many years later, I still haven't kissed anyone.
00:40Sometimes I felt like an outsider there, simply because I don't have a family now, or because I still have...
00:48no partnership.
00:50That made me sad too.
00:58What I'm missing is love.
01:01I function, I do what I can, but I lack love.
01:23Christoph, at 49 years old, has already experienced a lot.
01:26He went on a pilgrimage along the Camino de Santiago and spent a year as a student in China.
01:31But there is one experience he still lacks.
01:34I didn't experience the first kiss, and I didn't experience anything else that came after.
01:43Sometimes I can't even explain to myself why I'm already so old, in quotation marks.
01:50Somehow, 30 years have passed overnight; it all happened so fast.
01:54I've done many things, experienced some wonderful things, and seen a lot.
01:57But I never found the right partner.
02:00In the blink of an eye, the years are gone.
02:06Christoph still has a strong desire to meet the woman of his life.
02:12That's a sense of security that I also miss.
02:15And it is also inner loneliness that I feel.
02:19And while I have very good friends and that's all very nice, it doesn't replace a romantic relationship.
02:27The artist from East Frisia is not alone in his fate.
02:31Experts estimate that up to two million people in Germany live as so-called absolute beginners.
02:39Adults aged 25 and over who are not in a romantic relationship and are not having sex.
02:44Mostly involuntarily.
02:46Reliable statistics are not available.
02:49Everyone needs their love.
02:51And I have the feeling of giving love, but also the feeling of receiving love.
02:54And I believe that's at least my perception.
02:57I just miss that.
02:59And I think loneliness is terrible and not what I wanted.
03:06But Christoph does not live alone.
03:08After completing his studies in Chinese Studies, Law and History, he returned to his parents' home.
03:15Hello.
03:16I'm back.
03:21Yes, there are crabs now.
03:26Fresh North Sea shrimp, their favorite food.
03:30When Christoph's mother became ill with breast cancer, she was abandoned by her husband.
03:35Christoph felt responsible and loved by her.
03:38I'm glad Christoph is here, but sometimes I also think it might be nicer for him if...
03:44He should have a few more contacts.
03:49But he has plenty of contacts, but this one is missing.
03:57That's her.
04:03Mother and son support each other in everyday life.
04:11I may be his mother, but I am also, in a way, his partner.
04:15So we hold onto a little bit of happiness in life, something we can rejoice in.
04:22I wouldn't want to be without him.
04:25I need that too.
04:30They talk about it from time to time.
04:33What if Christoph does find his love after all?
04:36Could he imagine leaving his parents' home?
04:40What would happen to his mother then?
04:44It would definitely be important that my mother doesn't, how should I say, that she doesn't feel helpless and alone.
04:52That would be the case.
04:53I don't think I could bring myself to do that either.
04:56I wouldn't want that either.
04:59If the love between both partners is strong enough, they will find a way to make everything work.
05:09Johanna is also still waiting for her first love.
05:15She is a childcare worker in a nursery and a music therapist in a hospice.
05:22She had always wanted a family.
05:27Socrates the cat greets Johanna, as he does every evening.
05:36He has kept her company for five years, but he cannot replace a partner.
05:43Sometimes I just feel alone, and then of course there's a longing there too.
05:50But of course, it's also this sense of closeness.
06:01Johanna is 48 years old.
06:05And that's what I simply want: a partner where we're a good match.
06:08Even knowing that it will be like that again someday.
06:15Practicing patience is always a big challenge for me.
06:22And also to repeatedly relieve the pressure by saying,
06:27Okay, that's how it is for me, but it's different for others.
06:35When I then think to myself, ah yes, it's still not here.
06:39Also, that I treat myself well, that I am simply forgiving of myself,
06:46I simply appreciate myself as I am.
06:55Music gives me the opportunity to then search for the sound.
06:58which then simply fits my feelings or mood, or what I am still looking for.
07:07Johanna has been thinking about this a lot lately,
07:10why she has not yet experienced a relationship or sexuality.
07:14She believes she knows one reason.
07:16She was born prematurely and entered puberty late.
07:23The religious environment in which she grew up also had an influence.
07:28Johanna grew up in a pastor's family.
07:32I do think that this moral concept,
07:34that this also slowed me down, it was part of my development.
07:47She could not have imagined having sex before marriage.
07:50The physical aspect, or simply the enjoyment of your own body and sexuality, wasn't emphasized as much.
07:58And I believe that this has become somewhat taboo or even relegated to the back burner in the church.
08:07And in some parts of my family, too.
08:14The weather in the small town on the Ruhr.
08:19Johanna Krämer is preparing for her workday.
08:24She is a book author and influencer.
08:30Every morning she talks to her young community of around half a million followers via social media.
08:38My dear, good morning.
08:42Today she talks about her time as a teenager at school.
08:46I'm 38 years old now, and I've never had a boyfriend.
08:50And I used to lie quite a lot.
08:55I told everyone at school I was a real daredevil.
08:59Because I was so ashamed, because I always thought, hey, everyone around me is experiencing this and I'm not
09:05I can't participate in the discussion.
09:06I was the only one standing next to it and I felt so excluded.
09:12And I lied through my teeth.
09:16Jana is still unkissed.
09:18Until recently, she suffered from an eating disorder, so-called binge eating.
09:25Alternating episodes of starvation, binge eating, and vomiting.
09:29It started during puberty, until Jana weighed 180 kilos at the worst stage.
09:39She has since lost 100 kilos.
09:42But that doesn't mean everything is alright.
09:45"The body doesn't forgive an eating disorder," says Jana.
09:49She wanted to show this and published these nude photos of herself online.
09:56I definitely used to think that I first had to love myself in order to allow love to come to me.
10:01can.
10:02I hated my own body so much and saw so much negativity in it.
10:06that I simply cannot imagine that anyone could find him attractive or arousing.
10:14I thought everything about me was disgusting.
10:17And this photoshoot really brought me closer to myself.
10:23And looking back now, a few years later, I'm still really proud that I did that.
10:30and that I was so brave.
10:34Jana was encouraged by her best friend, the singer Batoumé.
10:40They record a podcast together once a month.
10:44Sometimes they also go to schools with a concert reading.
10:47Her message to every young person is: be yourself, because you are incomparable.
10:57Batoumé wrote a song for Jana. He was the first person she confided in about her eating disorder.
11:04At the time, she was his band's manager.
11:08If you could see through my eyes, would you stand by you as I do?
11:19In your feathered love, every detail of you is sacred.
11:26Because just the way you want to be, you are incomparable.
11:38I know exactly how I felt in the situations you describe.
11:45And I also notice that when you sing that, tears really do well up in my eyes.
11:51because I am so grateful that this time is simply behind me.
11:55That makes me very happy.
11:58Today, Jana has her eating disorder under control.
12:01Except for occasional incidents, as she calls them.
12:09Her father was an alcoholic, she became an food addict.
12:18Yes, we were both addicted and unfortunately my dad died because of his addiction.
12:22Not me.
12:23But I no longer hate myself for having been addicted.
12:26And I don't hate him for being an addict. Not anymore.
12:29I can understand that you need something to hold onto,
12:33when you feel like you don't have anything else under control.
12:37I can honestly say that now.
12:40I would love to take him in my arms and tell him, hey, you did your best,
12:45But it wasn't enough. I'm sorry about that.
12:47So I feel sorry for him that he didn't make it.
12:50But I think he's proud now when he sees me.
13:00Childhood memories. Still emotional for Christoph.
13:07Within six months, he was the victim of violent attacks by youths three times.
13:18Yes, I was nine years old then. It was like the sky fell apart for me.
13:24In one instance of an assault, it was because I was attacked by a teenager whom I knew only very poorly.
13:29who was three years older than me, was worked until I lost consciousness.
13:33And that basically changed me completely. I just didn't realize it at the time.
13:40to what extent this has an impact. I haven't confided in anyone either.
13:43Because I was very afraid of adults. And that then developed its own dynamic.
13:48And it wasn't until many years later that I found out what was actually wrong with me.
13:55It was only as a young man that Christoph learned through therapy what had triggered the violent attacks in him.
14:03Post-traumatic stress disorder.
14:10To this day, it dominates his life.
14:17It feels like being inside a pane of glass.
14:20The world is there, and you are behind this pane of glass, seeing the world but not participating in it.
14:24part
14:25and has no way of participating in it because it is unattainable.
14:28I then become frozen, completely unable to act, if you will.
14:37This even happens to me when I meet a woman I like,
14:40that I will first take a step back and create some distance,
14:44because I am very unsettled by everything I have experienced.
14:55Painting is therapy for him.
15:00Christoph is 15 when he falls in love for the first time.
15:04But the girl is teased by her classmates for it.
15:08Christoph withdraws.
15:10Another blow to his trust in others.
15:15But he still remembers the butterflies in his stomach to this day.
15:21When I thought about the girl, I felt harder to let go.
15:26Yes, that was wonderful.
15:36Johanna wants to be prepared for the day when love might finally come.
15:42Therefore, she is visiting a sex therapist in Frankfurt am Main.
15:52Johanna wants to take action, not just rely on chance anymore.
15:56Because she also feels the pressure from society.
16:00He was particularly strong in his late 30s.
16:06If you don't conform to the norm, if you go through a different development,
16:12Then you won't be perceived as who you truly are.
16:17And sometimes I really felt like an outsider there.
16:21Just because I don't have a family right now, or a partner yet.
16:27Sometimes I just felt lonely there because I was different from others at that moment.
16:34That made me sad too.
16:42Sex therapist Monika Büchner specializes in so-called absolute beginners.
16:49She knows the suffering that adults without relationship experience can experience.
16:56Two-thirds of those affected are male, one-third are female.
17:00A life without sex is still taboo today, says the book's author.
17:07I am the very first person they talk to about their problem.
17:12And so, just coming in here is quite an extreme challenge.
17:16Because they have so much charm and they don't want it to get out anywhere.
17:22And sometimes I work with very young people, who are in their early 20s and are already very worried.
17:29and thus have the feeling that they have missed the train.
17:32So yes, sexuality seems to be taken for granted, but it isn't.
17:41Hello.
17:42Hello Monika, nice to have you here.
17:45Looking forward to seeing you.
17:49We'll talk about your changes again.
17:52Mhm.
17:54Johanna has been attending Monika Büchner's coaching sessions for several months.
17:57Now that you look so beautiful, so soft.
18:02Conversations and bodywork are intended to strengthen their sense of sexuality.
18:09The sexologist knows that those affected often lack physical touch.
18:14Many were last touched in their childhood.
18:21The more often the body is touched, the more it feels.
18:27And now we are in the process of turning these senses back on.
18:33And most importantly, she learns that it feels great.
18:38I want that every day.
18:40And that's why I'm increasing my efforts to go out and look for a partner.
18:50Johanna has already experienced quite a lot.
18:53Tantra, an erotic massage ritual.
18:56She also participated in a workshop for two, where she touched a man's body for the first time.
19:03That was a lot of new bodily sensations for me.
19:09I experienced it very intensely.
19:14And that's actually where I realized,
19:17That's also what I've always missed.
19:19Or where I realized, okay, I'm missing that.
19:21And that's something I simply still wish for.
19:34Jana visits the Love Life Museum in Soest.
19:38The topic of love often occupies the 38-year-old in her everyday life.
19:43Because her young followers frequently ask her about relationships and sex.
19:49Hydrosexual.
19:51Jana is interested in that.
19:53But now she has her own view on it.
19:58There used to be such curiosity.
19:59Because everyone was talking about it,
20:01And that was pretty much the main topic at school.
20:03That's just how it is.
20:04Then you start to wonder, what would it be like if?
20:06But nowadays, no, I don't really have that longing for it anymore.
20:13as others describe it, that they say,
20:15I wish I could be touched.
20:19There are other ways to touch me.
20:20So, I am touched with enthusiasm, I am touched with warmth.
20:24But I don't have the need for anyone to touch me physically.
20:37So, although many years have passed and I am now 38 years old,
20:41Sometimes it's still that cute puppy moment when I say,
20:44No, I've never had a partner, never been in a relationship, and never had sex.
20:49What?
20:49There is no one I have met so far who says, "aha."
20:55But that's just what other people expect.
20:57And that's the nice thing I've learned in the meantime,
20:59I am not in this world to live up to the expectations of others.
21:08Okay, bye, I'm off, shall I?
21:09I'll be back in another hour, okay?
21:11Bye.
21:13Departure for the daily run, during which Christoph practices Chinese.
21:17He wants to perfect it.
21:19He lived in Shanghai for a year as a student.
21:22There he met a woman who showed him affection.
21:38So, life writes the story.
21:47I met a Chinese woman who truly warmed my heart.
21:52But I thought, I'm not going to approach her at all, because she was incredibly attractive.
21:56Beautiful, long, black hair, stunningly beautiful eyes.
22:00And a very cute face, that's all.
22:02And I liked every dimple on her face.
22:05I really liked her.
22:07The woman had children and, although separated from her husband, was still married.
22:13A new relationship with a European, taboo in China at the time.
22:18Yes, unfortunately that's not how it turned out.
22:20Although, I must honestly say, I had the feeling that this woman was the one for me.
22:24That's her, and I could grow old with her.
22:27Yeah, that shouldn't be the case.
22:29It didn't work.
22:34A lot has happened to Johanna in the meantime.
22:37She met up with a friend from her university days.
22:40She says she's always felt a little more for him.
22:44And something apparently happened to him during the encounter.
22:47The two met again.
22:51His expression has somehow changed.
22:54He perceived and saw me more as a woman.
23:00Then there was just a first kiss.
23:03And that was, it was simply a totally phenomenal, beautiful feeling.
23:08And simply displays of affection and hugs.
23:11I absolutely loved the hugs.
23:19But after the second meeting, the friend broke off contact.
23:26I was simply disappointed and hurt.
23:29Sure, because I really wanted it to continue.
23:33It was absolutely wonderful.
23:34In this direction, this is how relationships can be, this is how simple they can be.
23:39And I found that very, very enriching.
23:41And I'm also grateful that I had it that way.
23:49Back in the recording studio in Batomé.
23:52He's introducing a new song to his best friend today.
23:57When I'm with you.
24:03Jana's opinion is important to him.
24:05Batomé lives in a partnership.
24:07And he always wanted that for Jana, too.
24:15I'm also a fan of relationships.
24:17Yes, yes, exactly.
24:18And I believe that's something wonderful.
24:22And what I find wonderful, I naturally wish for you too.
24:25I think you're also partly trying to maintain control.
24:30You want to decide how it goes.
24:34And I think that's perfectly okay.
24:36You simply have other things in your life that are important to you right now.
24:39But it's cute, as you just said again.
24:42You still want that, though.
24:44No, I stand by my opinion.
24:46Never say never.
24:47Now I would say about everything in life, never say never.
24:50Batom has truly taught me to love change.
24:52And somehow being up for anything.
24:54And to be afraid of nothing anymore.
24:56What is that?
24:57See?
24:58And you wouldn't have said that three years ago either.
25:00Because of this?
25:01No, that's why.
25:01I always say, never say never.
25:03I completely agree.
25:05But if I have the choice, then I would prefer no.
25:11Back in East Frisia.
25:13A tea room in Marienhafe.
25:16Yes but...
25:18Christoph wants to come out with his story.
25:21To encourage other affected individuals, showing them that they don't need to be ashamed as absolute beginners.
25:29Today he is meeting with a journalist from the Ostfriesisches Tageblatt newspaper.
25:34She is planning a series about different lifestyles.
25:40She had placed an advertisement in an online forum for absolute beginners.
25:46Only Christoph answered.
25:52He now deals with the topic of partnership in a more relaxed manner.
25:55And wants to try to live in the here and now.
26:00So, do you believe that this great love will happen again in your life?
26:04I have to take it as it comes.
26:06I am sure that everything I am meant to find will turn up.
26:08And what I am not meant to find, will not be found.
26:10And I have no other choice, because I don't want to just be desperate or sad.
26:15I need to be realistic about things.
26:18But I can imagine that everything can still turn out well, yes.
26:25"Perhaps he'll find the right partner thanks to the newspaper article," says Christoph.
26:35Things are going well for Jana at the moment, she says.
26:40She has a fulfilling job.
26:43Her blog and her books are successful.
26:47Jana hopes that her commitment to society will make a difference.
26:52I think it would be nicer if people were simply a little more tolerant of each other.
26:57And that one doesn't just think in black and white terms.
26:59So, love and partnership are right, and everything else is wrong.
27:04Because that's not it.
27:05Everyone deserves to be happy.
27:07No matter how.
27:11For Jana, true friendship is the most honest relationship.
27:15And she found it in Batoumé.
27:20She trusts him.
27:21In all situations.
27:36Johanna also has a best friend.
27:42With him, she feels accepted for who she is.
27:46Helge is gay and married.
27:52To love.
27:55I think it's good that she confided in me, that I was simply able to support her along the way.
28:00That she also has someone to talk to, because it was the same for me.
28:03It needs to come out, you need to talk to someone about it.
28:09Johanna is happy about the changes that have already happened and the experiences that are yet to come.
28:16I'm approaching 50 in such a way that it's never too late to say if I...
28:22I wish that, simply to stand up for one's wishes.
28:26Also for love and desired sexuality.
28:32So it doesn't matter what age I am or anyone else is.
28:37So I think it's never too late for love.
28:54I think that for love it's not that it doesn't change, that it doesn't change, that it
29:01not so that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so
29:01not so that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so
29:02not so that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so
29:02not so that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so, that they are not so
29:03Thank you.
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