- 1 day ago
First broadcast 27th October 2017.
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
Cariad Lloyd
Holly Walsh
Nish Kumar
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
Cariad Lloyd
Holly Walsh
Nish Kumar
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello and welcome to QI where tonight I am pleased to say
00:04we will be enjoying multiple organisms.
00:08Let's meet our life forms, the wise Nishkumar.
00:16The noble Cariad Lloyd.
00:22The amusing Holly Wolf.
00:28And the single-celled Alan Davis.
00:35Right, let's hear your multiple organisms.
00:39Cariad goes...
00:45Holly goes...
00:50Nish goes...
00:55It's a really disturbing program.
00:58And Alan goes...
01:05I do actually.
01:09What animal gets the lion's share of online viewing?
01:15I don't know, but that horse looks like Donald Trump.
01:20LAUGHTER
01:21We had a cat that used to watch the telly.
01:24He watched the telly, he'd watch two things.
01:26He'd watch football, because he'd watch the ball.
01:30So if it went out, the picture, he'd look round the side of the telly.
01:34LAUGHTER
01:35And the other thing he watched was a documentary about urban foxes.
01:39LAUGHTER
01:39And he watched the whole program with his paws up on the back of the chair looking at it like
01:44this.
01:44And about six months later, they repeated it.
01:47Yeah.
01:47And he watched it all again.
01:49LAUGHTER
01:50And every time a fox went out of the side, he went like that.
01:54Probably birds as well.
01:56Birds probably watch a lot of TV, because they're in the room, aren't they?
01:58You know, cat can leave.
01:59Cat can be like, I don't want to watch a documentary.
02:01Right.
02:01But birds in the room, he's got to watch it.
02:03What about people who hang their budgie by the window so it can see the other birds outside?
02:07Yeah.
02:08Is that not the definition of evil?
02:10LAUGHTER
02:12Anyway, none of this is what I wanted to talk about.
02:16Is it lion?
02:17Yes.
02:18No.
02:21Surprising.
02:23Blue whale.
02:32No.
02:33Surprisingly, there are more dog videos on YouTube than there are cat videos.
02:37So people always talk about cat videos.
02:3865.9 million dog videos versus 65.3 million cats.
02:44The dog's just got the edge there.
02:46Why do we think that might be?
02:47Dogs are better than cats.
02:49Oh, that's the most controversial thing ever said in this studio.
02:53Yeah.
02:54I'm with you, Carrie-Anne.
02:56That is the Brexit of the technology.
02:59In England, people would care more about that than they did about Brexit.
03:02Yeah.
03:03When you start slagging off dogs or cats.
03:04Let's try it.
03:05People who like cats say cats.
03:07Cats!
03:08People who like dogs say dogs.
03:09Dogs!
03:10People who like Brexit say Brexit.
03:14People who like people say people.
03:17People!
03:17This is me.
03:18Hardly.
03:20So there are more dog videos because...
03:23Dogs are better?
03:23No, because more people have pet dogs.
03:25That's the basic...
03:26Is there better?
03:26Yeah, more pet dogs than pet cats.
03:28Dogs better than cats?
03:29I'm a dog person, right?
03:31And I have a dog and the dog is at home and the dog goes out into my garden.
03:35All my neighbours have cats and they also come and live in my garden.
03:39That is why dogs are better.
03:41They stick to the one garden.
03:42I've got a theory.
03:43I think technically more people have got dogs but actually more people think they have
03:47cats.
03:47Yeah, that's true.
03:48Because cats live in three or four houses.
03:50I have to say that Google tells a different story than YouTube.
03:53There are 2.2 billion pages about cats compared to 1.8 billion about dogs.
03:58Yeah.
03:58People going, why are cats shit?
03:59Why did I get a cat?
04:01How can I get rid of this cat?
04:02Did a cat slap you when you were a baby?
04:06Do you know what?
04:07The reason I don't like cats is I'm allergic to them.
04:10I want to stroke them and I can't so what I've done is develop a hatred.
04:14Right.
04:15It worked the same way for men when I was younger.
04:17This is how Brexit went.
04:19So why animal videos?
04:20Why do we do watch a lot of animal videos?
04:22What's the reason for it?
04:23Because everything is so depressing.
04:25So you're like, I don't want to know.
04:26You can't cope.
04:27So you think, cat dying.
04:29No, I'm joking.
04:30I'm dying.
04:31I am very good.
04:32Oh, I see Brexit is happening.
04:34Fetch me a feline snuff video.
04:38I actually do like them.
04:40I do.
04:40I have to hate them because they will kill me.
04:43So it's mutual.
04:44Is that what it is?
04:44Yeah, but you don't have a fatal cat allergy.
04:46It's very irritating.
04:49So why animal videos?
04:51Is it because we're programmed as people to love looking at animals?
04:55Well, no.
04:56The concept is that we just watch something that's a bit of fun.
04:58And it makes you feel fewer negative emotions, anxiety, guilt, that kind of thing.
05:02I was working with an editor once and he was telling me that they did this experiment where, like, they
05:06wanted to see where people's eyes went on, say, movies.
05:09You know, like, so what people are looking at.
05:10And they had, like, a shot with a topless woman.
05:13And obviously, like, most people watch the topless woman.
05:16And then the only thing that distracted them was when a dog walked in and then they all just looked
05:20at the dog.
05:21So, like, in the, like, top trumps of distraction, um, it goes, tits dog.
05:27And a topless dog is, like...
05:31That's my dream, a topless dog.
05:33That's my website.
05:34Six pieces.
05:36That's what I'm after.
05:38Well, there are more dog videos online than cat videos and even fewer otter videos.
05:43So, who wants to see a juggling otter?
05:44Yes!
05:45Yes!
05:46Yes, okay.
05:47Let's have a look.
05:49Oh!
05:49Oh!
05:51Oh, my God!
05:53Oh, my God!
05:54Oh, my God!
05:54I know!
05:54Oh, my God!
05:55That definitely trumps tits and dog.
05:57But there we go, go back with that one.
05:59Oh, my God!
06:01He's totally nailing all the moves there.
06:04Has anyone checked he's not trapped under those tits of a face?
06:09He's just scared.
06:10He's like, HE'S A FI-FIN, HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:11HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:13HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:13HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:15HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:16HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:16HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:16HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:17HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:20HE'S A FI-FIN!
06:21Stop it!
06:21You're messing with mascara.
06:24That's not juggling otters.
06:26But not everybody loves otters, all right, like we do.
06:29So tell me, what do otter hounds hunt?
06:34Yes, Nish.
06:36I mean, I know what's about to happen.
06:37Yes.
06:40Otters?
06:41Yes!
06:44OK, it is illegal to hunt otters.
06:50So when otter hunting was banned,
06:53they retrained them to hunt mink.
06:55So what do otter hounds hunt?
06:58Small boys in cats?
07:03Mink, mink!
07:06It's illegal to hunt mink.
07:08It's illegal to hunt mink.
07:09But do they hunt mink?
07:10Do they, you know, hunt mink?
07:13Is that a euphemism?
07:14Yeah, that's like...
07:18That's a backhander, guys.
07:19Is it?
07:20Oh, a backhander.
07:20Oh, it's a backhander.
07:21I thought it was a back-enter.
07:22That's not...
07:24I thought that was like...
07:25Backhander was like,
07:26I'll take some money if you don't mention it.
07:28Yeah, that's what we're like.
07:28I'll get the mink for you.
07:30Oh, I thought it was I've just farted.
07:33I thought it was like a lesbian euphemism.
07:36That's why.
07:40My whole life in a club, I've never gone...
07:44Oh, it's like we've got a backhander in tonight.
07:47Anybody up to some mink hunting?
07:51Wink, wink.
07:52Otter hunting was very, very popular.
07:54Bloodsport throughout the Middle Ages and so on.
07:56And there was a king's...
07:57Oh, that's horrible.
07:57A king's otterer.
07:58He had an estate called Otterer's Fee in Aylesbury.
08:01And then it largely died out because the otter was largely dying out.
08:05And so it was a little bit of a revival in the 20th century until 1978.
08:09And then the otter became a protected species.
08:11And then they tried mink.
08:12And now it's rats.
08:14In fact, only rats and rabbits are exempt from the ban on hunting mammals with dogs.
08:18What about squirrels?
08:19It's rats and rabbits.
08:20That's your limit.
08:21Yeah, but could you squeeze in a squirrel?
08:23When you use the expression squeeze in a squirrel...
08:27That's another lesbian euphemism.
08:31One of the most prized things for hunters was the otter's baculum.
08:35Anybody know what the otter's baculum is?
08:36Something nasty in it.
08:37Oh, is it the penis bone?
08:39It is the penis bone.
08:40Is it something nasty?
08:40Absolutely right.
08:41There is one right there.
08:43And I have...
08:43It's the length of the otter.
08:49Oh, my God!
08:50I'm going to get an erection!
08:54Whoa!
08:59You're not me!
09:01You're not me!
09:02The rest of that video is the otter struggling under the rocks and he goes,
09:05Hold on a second.
09:06For darn!
09:08Just throwing up a pebble and then whacking it with it.
09:12Just tuned in.
09:14That's Alan Davis pretending to be an otter with a troublesome erection.
09:20So, otter's baculum was much prized.
09:22I've got one!
09:23Sorry!
09:23Well, what I've got, these are earrings.
09:25And this is actually made from a mink's...
09:27Obviously, two.
09:28There's not one.
09:29He doesn't have two.
09:29They're made from mink baculum.
09:31There's some mink out in the world going, I hope you enjoy that earring.
09:38I don't understand how this works.
09:40So, they constantly have a hard arm?
09:42Well, no.
09:42What it is, humans don't have a baculum, I'm told.
09:47Yes, I might have beg to differ, though.
09:50Do you know why humans don't have it?
09:53What's the reason given?
09:54Underpants.
09:56Do you want to see them?
09:57Not compatible with underpants.
09:59So, the mythological reason is that Eve was taken, not from a rib of Adam, but from his baculum.
10:04But the real reason is that the baculum is needed for what's...
10:07I'm going to put this lightly, prolonged intromission is what you need it for.
10:10So, do you think Sting's got a baculum?
10:19This thing's the exact same shape as my nose.
10:23That's a good idea for a show, Nish Kumar mink pleasure.
10:30I love otters, I think they're amazing.
10:32The sea otter is extraordinary, has the densest fur of any mammal.
10:37Oh, my God.
10:38They have more hairs per square centimetre than are on an entire human head.
10:43So, the Chinese used to call it soft gold.
10:46They're fantastically easy to hunt, actually, because they float in rafts of up to 2,000 individuals holding hands.
10:53And what the mothers do, because the baby can float but can't swim,
10:56they wrap the baby in kelp, almost like a little papoose,
10:59and they put it to one side to make sure that it's okay.
11:01And they make something called otter rubs, which is a slide, I think we've got some video I can show
11:05you,
11:05of them playing in the snow, and they actually slide down, they do, look at them.
11:09Oh, my God.
11:10And they just play.
11:12That's all they're doing, sliding down repeatedly, apparently just for a laugh.
11:18This is the remake of Cool Running.
11:23Otter hounds are now employed as rat catchers.
11:27But speaking of occupations, what's the best job for a beetle?
11:32Drummer, because you'll still be alive.
11:41I am going to give you an extra point.
11:43Oh, thanks.
11:44Even though it's horribly wrong.
11:46Is it careers advice advisor?
11:49Did you have one of those?
11:51Yeah, they told me to be a horticulturalist.
11:53Did they?
11:54Yeah.
11:54You had a nice careers advisor.
11:56Yeah.
11:56I was like, Sainsbury's is that way, good luck.
11:58Mine told me prison.
12:02Working or serving?
12:05My daughter's a really brilliant photographer, and she was told baggage handler at Gatwick.
12:08It was really specific.
12:11So, beetles are employed, where might they be employed?
12:15Done moving.
12:16Must be done moving.
12:17It isn't.
12:18It is a form of job that only a beetle can do.
12:21Is it baggage handling at Gatwick?
12:23What can they do?
12:25They can get under things.
12:26They can go through little holes.
12:28Eating scavengers.
12:29Oh, is it a nuclear power station?
12:32No, not at all.
12:33They work in museums.
12:35So, skeletons contain a lot of delicate structures.
12:38And the best way to prep them for a museum display without damaging them is the Dermsted beetle.
12:45And it lives by stripping the flesh off rotten corpses.
12:49It's used by museums all over the world for that purpose.
12:51But before that, do you think how museums did it before they worked out that a beetle was a good
12:55way of taking it?
12:56Did they use those little tiny fishes that people have for their...
12:58To make their feet feel better?
13:00Yeah, no.
13:01They just used to boil the skeletons and scrape the meat off by hand.
13:04The good news about this horrible job is that they only work on six-month contracts.
13:08So, which is the life expectancy of a Dermsted beetle.
13:12Right, they die on the job.
13:13They die on the job.
13:15But speaking of skeletons, it's time for a round of that evergreen parlour game favourite.
13:21Name that skeleton.
13:24Name that skeleton.
13:25Okay.
13:25Let's have a look at our skeletons.
13:28And who's going to start with number one and be specific, please?
13:34Teeth haven't come through.
13:35You're absolutely right.
13:36It's a child because you can actually see the adult teeth waiting to...
13:40Oh, no, it's not that cute, is it?
13:42No, it's not.
13:43It's not that child, is it?
13:43It's not that child, okay?
13:46It's another child that we don't care about.
13:49Yeah, but why is that?
13:50That poor kid is a model and then his parents might be just flicking through the TV and they're like...
13:56This looks like you've spun the world's worst fruit machine.
14:07Yeah, you can see the teeth waiting to come through there.
14:10So the process of the old teeth being pushed out is called exfoliation.
14:13We moved house recently and behind the U-bend under the sink we found this tobacco tin full of children's
14:20teeth.
14:20Oh, my God!
14:21Oh, my God!
14:22Is that where the tooth fairy puts them?
14:23Yeah!
14:25And I didn't know what we should do with them and I felt really bad because they're obviously the people
14:28who live in the house before us and it's like a family alley.
14:31So I asked our neighbour if they had a forwarding address for them and they were like, yeah, sure.
14:35And I took them to the post office and I said, you know, I need to send this.
14:44And they were like, what's in the tin?
14:45I was like, it's children's teeth.
14:49Anyway, I sent it to them and I felt really good about myself.
14:52And then I was talking to my other neighbour and she said, that's so weird because they didn't have children.
15:00Oh, my God!
15:02So it just says a complete stranger tin of tin of tin of tin.
15:08Right, moving on.
15:11Let's go back to our QI ossery number two.
15:14Anybody?
15:15Is it a vulture?
15:16No, it's not.
15:17It is a bird.
15:18Is it an ostrich?
15:19No, you think that because of the long neck?
15:20Yes.
15:21This one is extraordinary because it doesn't look as though it has a long neck.
15:24But it has 14 vertebrae, so twice as many as a giraffe.
15:28And it is...
15:28A chicken.
15:29Turkey.
15:29It's an owl.
15:31So we never think that because the owl has got so many feathers.
15:34But it is how they're able to rotate their heads through nearly 360 degrees.
15:38So they only appear short-necked because of the feathers.
15:40And also, if you have a look at their eye sockets in the skeleton there, they're tubular.
15:43And that's because the eyes are so enormous and the tubular is the only way to fit such a large
15:48eye into the skull.
15:49That is an astonishing shot, isn't it?
15:51It's an awesome tattoo as well.
15:52Yeah.
15:53Let's have a look at number three.
15:55Is that a bat?
15:56It is a bat.
15:57Here's the thing I did not know before is that bats' knees face backwards.
16:02Yeah.
16:02But despite this, some of them are still very good walkers.
16:06And they recently discovered that vampire bats can chase their prey on foot.
16:09And we've got some video of a bat walking, which is not something that you see very often.
16:15Yeah.
16:15Willy, whoa.
16:17It's just like terrifying that not only can they fly at you in pitch black, they can also run.
16:21They're running at you.
16:23It's like the worst nightmare.
16:24Yeah.
16:24Most nocturnal animals are ugly and that's why they come out.
16:28Yeah.
16:28Right.
16:30That's a really offensive thing to say.
16:33Okay.
16:34Careful, Alan.
16:34You're going to get some children's teeth in the punch.
16:38Number four.
16:40Let's have a quick look.
16:41The horns are the giveaway.
16:43Is it a goat?
16:44Goat.
16:44No, much smaller.
16:45Smaller than a goat.
16:46Reindeer.
16:47Yes.
16:48That's a very much small reindeer.
16:51Come on, Jack.
16:53No, it's called a dick dick.
16:54Oh, yeah, yeah.
16:55A dick pic?
16:56A dick dick.
16:57No, not a dick pic.
16:58No, not a dick pic.
16:59I'd rather get one of those than a dick pic.
17:03Do you know why they're called dick dick?
17:05Because they've got two dicks.
17:06So good they named it twice.
17:08Because they've got two what, darling?
17:10Odd.
17:14Sorry, the rest of the class want to hear it.
17:16Yes?
17:19I was just saying...
17:21I was just saying...
17:21It seemed very important that you wanted to interrupt Sandy.
17:23Yes.
17:25I was just...
17:26I was just saying that maybe they have two dicks.
17:30Yes.
17:31No.
17:34What's the sound they make?
17:36It's sort of a warning cry.
17:37Dick!
17:40Dick!
17:42Dick!
17:45The thing I like about them, they are incredibly efficient with water.
17:48They have the driest poo and the most concentrated urine of any ungulate.
17:53Right.
17:53Well, clearly you've never spent a night in Wetherspoons.
17:59And an extra point for that, because that's true, too.
18:03A eye's bigger than your nose.
18:04That's quite a thing.
18:05I think they're beautiful.
18:06They're tiny little things.
18:07They live in pairs rather than hers.
18:08Can you buy them?
18:09Like, can you have them at first?
18:10No.
18:11You cannot buy one.
18:13Well, I...
18:13Don't Google dick-dick.com.
18:18Let's look at the next one.
18:20Number five.
18:22Is it a gorilla?
18:23It's really surprising.
18:24It is not a gorilla.
18:26What's the thing that always gets you?
18:27A monkey?
18:27Or laxon, darling?
18:28A blue whale.
18:30It is a whale's fin.
18:33It looks remarkably like the human hand.
18:37It even has thumb bones.
18:39And it's because, of course, it's a mammal and all mammals evolved from an animal
18:42with the basic skeletal structure that includes five protrusions on each hand.
18:46So it's basically got mittens on.
18:48Yeah.
18:49It's just a dolphin with oven gloves.
18:51Yeah.
18:53Looking for an oven.
18:56Let's have a look at the final one.
18:58Is that a camel?
19:00No.
19:00It is a camel.
19:01It has a straight spine because the hump was all fat.
19:04How could you tell it wasn't a horse?
19:06It didn't look like a horse.
19:07There's no saddle on it.
19:11Camel's got no hoof.
19:13Camel tongue.
19:22You can use it for anything.
19:24Anything.
19:24Anything slightly.
19:27I'll sort you out.
19:28As the old saying goes, you can't always tell an organism from its osseous tissue.
19:34How is that an old saying?
19:37In what circumstances does an ant equal a cow?
19:42Is it something to do with their bone structure?
19:44No.
19:45It's to do with counting how many species there are in the world.
19:47How many species do you think there are in the world?
19:49Of everything.
19:49All kinds of organisms.
19:50How many?
19:51204.
19:54A billion.
19:55A billion and one.
19:59Weirdly, you're closer, Nish.
20:03So we think we know about 8.7 million species.
20:07Well what they did, they looked at more than a thousand different environments where things live.
20:12So you might take a patch of the ocean, you might take a cow's rumen, you might take an acre
20:16of meadow or so on.
20:17And they counted all of the total number of species in those areas and then they put those into an
20:22equation.
20:23These are the scaling laws.
20:24And they were able to estimate the total number of organisms in the world.
20:29So that's all the microbes, that's absolutely everything.
20:32So the ant and the cow are exactly equal in this instance.
20:35And they concluded that there are something like one trillion species of organism currently living on the planet.
20:42And that means we have only discovered one thousandth of one percent of the species currently living on Earth.
20:50Well that's enough though, isn't it?
20:51Yeah.
20:53That's astonishing.
20:54That's ridiculous.
20:55But that's how little we know about what's actually living on the planet.
20:57But where do they all live?
20:58Like in that bit under the sea that no one ever goes to?
21:00Behind you, you bend in a tin.
21:05It's also estimated that 99% of all species that have ever existed on Earth are no longer with us.
21:10They are extinct.
21:12Which ferocious beast is the world's most successful hunter?
21:20Wait, hold on.
21:21What is happening?
21:23You're not a Philip Green.
21:27It looks like you've got to a fancy dress party dressed as Captain Manorink.
21:32It's terrifying.
21:33So, for most ferocious...
21:34It starts with an O.
21:35What ferocious piece is the world's most successful hunter?
21:38Oh, hunter.
21:39Because hippos are really dangerous, aren't they?
21:41It starts with an H.
21:44Oh, yeah.
21:46Orangutans.
21:51Otters.
21:58Ostrich.
21:59No.
22:03The audience have offered up octopus.
22:06Octopus is not it either.
22:08Not as easy as it is!
22:12It is the creature that belongs to the order Odonata.
22:15So, it is dragonflies.
22:17Dragonflies are the most successful hunters.
22:20Oh, right.
22:21They are thought to have the highest hunting success rate of any hunting creature on Earth.
22:26It's between 90 and 95% success rate.
22:29Wow.
22:29So, if you compare that to other animals, lions for example, lions will kill at a rate of about 25%.
22:35Bengal tigers, about 5%.
22:37No comfort when one's coming after you, I think.
22:40And the great white shark has a hit rate of about 50%.
22:43And here is the unbelievable thing.
22:45They don't track their prey.
22:47They intercept it.
22:48They calculate where the prey is going to be in the future.
22:52So, instead of chasing it like a lion might, they fly to where it's going to be and catch it
22:57there.
22:57So, let's have a quick look.
22:58So, there it is.
22:59It just seems to be minding its own business.
23:02And off it goes to catch its prey.
23:05Now, let's have another look because let's be really clear about where the prey was coming from.
23:10So, have a look up in the red box.
23:12And you see the prey is coming in.
23:15And he's not flying towards it.
23:16He's flying away from it and over to the right and catches it.
23:19And it's the same thing that humans use to predict the future when they're catching a bull.
23:23But we don't really know how they're able to do it.
23:26But they have this incredible 360 degree vision.
23:29So, they can see all around.
23:31They have no blind spot whatsoever.
23:32And they're able to pick out a single insect in a swarm and hunt it and still avoid the other
23:37neighbours.
23:38It's almost like ESP that they're doing this.
23:40How can we get them to control the world?
23:43Well...
23:43It seems like they should be in charge.
23:44Well, the other thing is that I've got one here.
23:46And they have four wings.
23:47And the four wings operate independently of each other.
23:51So, they can fly backwards, they can fly forwards, they can fly sideways, they can fly upside down.
23:55And they've been shown that they can still hunt even when they're missing an entire wing.
23:58If we could work out how...
23:59All of that, and you still have to eat flies.
24:01Yeah.
24:03Anyway, there is a downside to being a dragonfly, I think, because the mating is very, very odd.
24:07So, the male has...
24:09Is a dick dick.
24:10Oh.
24:10What does that mean?
24:10The male is a dick dick.
24:11It's got two dicks!
24:13Yes!
24:15Yes!
24:18Yes!
24:19Well done, Nish.
24:20So, the male has got two sets of sexual organs.
24:23So, before inseminating the female, he sort of has to inseminate himself.
24:26He transfers sperm...
24:27Oh, yeah, yeah.
24:28I...
24:28I did that as well.
24:31...transfers sperm from his testes to his sperm pouch and then to his penis.
24:35He's still not ready to inseminate because he then...
24:37He's got a sort of shovel-shaped penis and he uses it to scrape out any sperm from other
24:43males before he then...
24:44I...
24:44Yes.
24:45Who is clapping that?
24:48What the...
24:49One bloke!
24:50There's a theory that that is why the male penis is shaped that way, to remove any sperm,
24:55because they are assuming that woman probably has had sex with someone else.
24:58So, it's a scraper?
24:59Yeah, it's a scraper.
25:00Very useful in the winter if your car's frosted over.
25:08I could do a wing mirror.
25:21What other show do you see dragonfly porn?
25:24It's not a crime!
25:26So, 300 million years ago, the dragonfly first appears on the earth.
25:30So, put that into context.
25:32Humans appear 200,000 years ago.
25:34They're amazing.
25:35300 million years?
25:35So, before dinosaurs.
25:37I mean, this is them obviously having a laugh with dinosaurs, but they actually were on the planet.
25:42So, the Carboniferous period.
25:44I mean, they liked the dinosaurs.
25:45They hung out with them, but when the end came, they just moved on, you know?
25:48Yeah.
25:49Now, what is a zookeeper's worst nightmare?
25:53Yes?
25:54Planet of the Apes.
25:57I'm going to give you a point for that.
25:59Very good.
26:00Is it an out-of-the-blue redundancy?
26:06No.
26:06You've mentioned it already.
26:08Orangutans.
26:09Orangutans.
26:09Orangutans is the absolute answer.
26:11Are they always filing sort of sexual harassment?
26:14They are so adept at escape.
26:18Oh, really?
26:18They work cooperatively.
26:19They learn very easily.
26:20They're very patient.
26:21They're very determined.
26:22They work out your routines.
26:23They do.
26:24They absolutely do.
26:25It takes him 32 minutes to go and feed the zebras.
26:31That is our window, my friend.
26:34But you're right, Alan.
26:36They check out the zookeeper's routine and see if there's a flaw.
26:40And then when he goes, they all put their caps on.
26:44But three of them stand on top of each other.
26:47But if you accidentally left a tool in an orangutan's cage,
26:49they won't pick it up straight away.
26:50They'll wait till nobody's watching.
26:51And then they'll secrete it about their person.
26:54And wait to use it for future use.
26:55They are unbelievably clever.
26:57There was a wonderful orangutan called Ken Allen.
27:00And in the...
27:02In the 1980s, he was in San Diego Zoo.
27:05He was known as the Hairy Houdini.
27:07And he used to get out all the time.
27:08And then he'd stroll around having a look at the other animals.
27:12And he had a fan club called the Orangang.
27:14And they had t-shirts and bumper stickers.
27:16He printed them all.
27:18He didn't even get good deals on bumper stickers.
27:21And they'd come back.
27:22Well, they couldn't work out how he was getting out.
27:24So they started to send him plain-clothes zookeepers.
27:27We're sort of wearing touristy gear and sunglasses
27:29and trying to look casual.
27:31But Ken always spots it.
27:34There were nine major breakouts by Ken and his fellow prisoners.
27:38And according to one local paper,
27:40crowds cheering the apes on as keepers ran after them.
27:45There's a goat that does that at London Zoo.
27:47Is there?
27:48They have this kind of double gate thing.
27:50It's quite tricky to get out of.
27:51But this goat just goes and stands by it as if it's allowed out.
27:57So people let it out.
27:59I mean, it has an air of authority about it.
28:05Yeah, it's all about confidence.
28:06It's one of the bigger goats.
28:07It goes and stands by the gate and looks at you.
28:08Hello.
28:09Oh, sorry.
28:11That's the most brutalist thing I've ever heard in my life.
28:15It's like, oh, if it's queuing properly,
28:16it must be allowed.
28:19It's like people in high-vis jackets.
28:20If you put someone in a high-vis jacket,
28:22they'll just start doing what people say.
28:24Do not give that goat a high-vis jacket.
28:27Quick question.
28:28What might an orangutan see in Nicole Kidman?
28:33Botox.
28:35Is an orangutan called Tsing Tsing in Perth Zoo in Australia?
28:40Is he thinking I've seen her in Moulin Rouge?
28:44He is attracted to a lovely redhead orangutan
28:47and he saw a photograph of Nicole Kidman in a magazine.
28:50He ripped it out and thought that'll do.
28:52I've been doing that for years.
28:55Oh!
29:01Can't get enough of the Kidman.
29:04Right, moving on.
29:06Um, where's this guy going with that ox?
29:10And what's he going to do when he gets there?
29:14Is it like an early boombox?
29:18I can tell you, as you can see,
29:20because he's able to lift it,
29:21that the cow has been hollowed out.
29:23And why might...
29:24Is it before the invention of birthday cakes?
29:27People used to get strippers to jump out of cows.
29:31Yes.
29:32It's there.
29:33Not at a Hindu wedding.
29:37I need to say this,
29:38but if someone's inviting a stripper to a wedding,
29:40that way...
29:43Is it to scare off another animal?
29:45It's quite the reverse.
29:46It's to be able to...
29:47To encourage?
29:47It's to be able to hide.
29:48This is Richard Kirtan.
29:49He's one of the world's first wildlife photographers.
29:51So before the telephoto lens,
29:53in order to get a close-up,
29:54you literally had to get close-up.
29:56So if you wanted to take, for example,
29:58a photograph of a bird's nest with eggs in it,
30:00this is Richard and his brother Cherry Kirtan.
30:03Cherry?
30:03Cherry, I know.
30:04They went,
30:04Richard, let's have something different.
30:06Cherry.
30:07Richard and Cherry, pioneers of wildlife photography.
30:09They bought an ox from a butcher.
30:11They got a taxidermist to hollow it out,
30:13and they hid themselves in the ox
30:16with a lens sticking through a hole.
30:18And one day, apparently,
30:19Richard fainted inside the ox,
30:21and it fell over,
30:23and his brother...
30:28That's brilliant.
30:29Cherry, that's so good.
30:31Cherry turned up an hour later
30:33and took the photo before he got his brother out.
30:35Yes, he got it.
30:37They more or less invented
30:39professional nature photography.
30:41Their subjects range from hitting from flowers
30:43in the Yorkshire Dales to lion hunts in Africa.
30:45And before them,
30:46most nature photographs were stuffed animals
30:49placed in natural surroundings.
30:50But you can see they abseiled down cliffs,
30:52they had those astonishing fragile box cameras
30:55slung to their backs.
30:56He's...
30:56He's hot.
30:56Like, I'm not going to...
30:57Come on.
30:58You think?
30:58Yeah.
30:59Cherry Keaton became the Attenborough of his age.
31:01He moved into wildlife documentaries.
31:03Here, from inside the ox.
31:05Yes.
31:08Photographers at the time
31:09were very interested in what they called
31:10instantaneous photography.
31:11They wanted to capture moments
31:13that had never been seen by the human eye alone.
31:15So they got on a mule,
31:17it was apparently old and awaiting euthanasia anyway,
31:19and they wanted to photograph it
31:21while it was exploding.
31:23Oh, no!
31:24True story.
31:25The United States School of Submarine Engineers
31:27strapped six ounces of dynamite...
31:29Leave men alone long enough.
31:31They just blow something up, aren't they?
31:33They put the shutter of the camera
31:35and the fuse for the dynamite on the same second.
31:38It went off simultaneously.
31:38It was written up in Scientific American.
31:40What possible thing?
31:42Well, they were like,
31:42after it blew up, they were like,
31:43well, turns out,
31:44if you strapped dynamite to a mule's head,
31:46it really blows up.
31:47Yeah.
31:48Great science, everybody.
31:49It's like this...
31:50It was the pilot of Jackass.
31:53To get the best photos of wildlife,
31:56the Keaton brothers had to think inside the ox.
31:59Oh.
31:59Oh.
32:01Terribly pleased with that.
32:02That's good.
32:04I'm going to give myself a point.
32:05Good.
32:07What use is an ostrich in a car factory?
32:10Are they indestructible?
32:12So, what...
32:12Like, crash...
32:13You can use them as, like, a crash test, doesn't it?
32:15No.
32:16Er, it's...
32:17No, it's not...
32:18It's not that.
32:19So, I'm going to give these out.
32:20Oh.
32:21There you go.
32:21These are ostrich cutters.
32:23So, what might you use them for?
32:25Bed for.
32:26Oh!
32:27You want one?
32:28You want one?
32:28You want one?
32:31What might you use in a car factory?
32:32The BBC just trying to cut back on cleaning,
32:35and just having us...
32:36Just dust it.
32:37Well, cleaning is the thing, Nish.
32:38It is in those high-tech, very robotic factories
32:41where they make cars,
32:42ostrich feathers are still the best thing to dust the car off.
32:46It's the softest thing I've ever...
32:47Really?
32:47Yes, well, there's the point.
32:48So, they have these sort of giant rollers,
32:50a bit like a car wash,
32:51made of ostrich feathers.
32:53Really?
32:53Female feathers, apparently, work best.
32:55Of course.
32:55Yes.
32:56Cleaning, innit?
32:57But...
32:58LAUGHTER
33:03This from the man who said he could
33:04scrape the ice off a wing mirror with his cock.
33:07LAUGHTER
33:09And we're doing that experiment in the next series.
33:12I'd also try.
33:13So, female feathers are the best.
33:15There are lots of grades whose names are fantastic.
33:17Whites are the best.
33:18Come on, Sandy, I'm sat right here.
33:20Jesus.
33:21Just nick that out and make that a ringtone.
33:25Whites are the best.
33:28There's whites, feminas, biots, spadones, booze, blacks, drabs and floss.
33:33They're all wonderful names, aren't they?
33:34Farming, which began in South Africa in 1838,
33:37allowed the feathers to be taken annually without actually killing the bird
33:40and they became very, very important for...
33:42What's the biggest product?
33:43They were famous for...?
33:44Eggs?
33:45No, hats.
33:46Oh.
33:46Hats, ostrich feathers in hats.
33:48So the meat was almost a by-product and they were traded in the city.
33:52A pound of ostrich feathers during World War I worth not much less than a pound of diamonds.
33:571990s, there was a boom in Britain for farming them for their meat
34:00and a really strange thing happened.
34:02They kept seeing the birds doing these courtship displays,
34:04which they're very famous for, but they weren't laying many eggs.
34:07So they were doing this...
34:08This is a courtship ritual.
34:10Cariad, you've just made several ostriches very horny.
34:13Well, what they discovered, Nish, is that being in captivity confused them
34:18and they were trying to seduce the farmers and not other birds.
34:24And it turns out it didn't matter the sex of the farmer or the sex of the bird.
34:28They were not fussed.
34:29They were just, whoever was in charge, I'm for you.
34:34This is a funny thing that happened to someone I know.
34:40Not me.
34:42A friend of mine was in Australia
34:44and lots of wildlife parks where you can mingle with the kangaroos and the emus.
34:50And they said if an emu should come towards you,
34:54you have to sort of become an emu as well and then they'll back off.
34:58So you put your arm up and then do that.
35:00They were messing about.
35:02No, they were absolutely messing about.
35:07And this girl became of interest to an emu and she started going like this.
35:13It's still coming for me!
35:15No, we'll do it!
35:17And no one could do anything for her because they would cry and laugh at her.
35:21And if anything, it made her more attractive and more interesting to the emu.
35:26What is that?
35:29So what happened at the end of this terrible story?
35:31She's married to an emu.
35:33She's been living in the zoo ever since.
35:36The orangutan's going to bust her out in a bit.
35:39You can't beat a good old ostrich feather duster if you want a nice clean car.
35:43Now my little organisms, fingers on buzzers please as we enter the phylum of general ignorance.
35:49Cats versus birds, who's winning?
35:53Birds.
35:54Oh, why'd you say that?
35:56Because they're more birds than cats.
35:58In a way, that is correct.
35:59But would you not think that cats were attacking birds in the garden, that kind of thing?
36:03Are some birds attacking cats, is that what you're saying?
36:05No, it's that there is no scientific evidence that the predation by cats is having any impact on the bird
36:10population of the UK.
36:11So if birds are being preyed upon, what, do they lay more eggs and breed more...
36:15It's just that the ones that are being caught by cats would probably die anyway.
36:18They're underweight, or they're sickly, or they're not catching the good, strong ones.
36:23So it's not really having a big effect on the bird population.
36:25But they kill millions.
36:26They kill 55 million birds, but it isn't causing the population of the birds to decrease.
36:32In fact, blue tits, which are recorded as the number two thing that they catch,
36:37they've increased their population by more than a quarter in the last century.
36:39So it doesn't seem to be having a big effect.
36:40You tried to defeat us, but we got stronger.
36:42Yes!
36:43The only time cats do seem to be a major threat is when there's a new housing development near a
36:47vulnerable population.
36:48They hate new architecture.
36:50They get so angry about it.
36:51They're mad.
36:52Now, how did all that oestrogen get into our water?
36:58Yes, darling.
37:00Um, what happened was, I put my hand down on the table, but I forgot that it was on the
37:08buzzer.
37:08Yeah.
37:09So, I pressed the buzzer.
37:12So, I guess what I'm saying is, they have two dicks.
37:17Is it because later women take the pill and then they piss it out and it goes back in?
37:23You did two in one go, though. You did pill and urine.
37:36No.
37:36No.
37:36No.
37:36Is that not true?
37:37Because a lot of people claim that.
37:38People do think that.
37:39Is it because Mother Nature's a woman?
37:42No.
37:43Well, we reckon that the pill is responsible for about 1% only of the oestrogen found in the water
37:48supply, according to an American study.
37:4990% of the oestrogen entering into the water is the runoff from livestock manure.
37:55The important thing, although oestrogen is the primary female sex hormone, of course men have it as well.
38:00Same as women have testosterone.
38:01And if men didn't have oestrogen, what would happen to them?
38:04It's the light.
38:04It's the light.
38:05Everyone is looking at that picture.
38:06It's the light.
38:07I've heard it.
38:08I've heard it.
38:09It's not easy.
38:10It's just the light.
38:11Okay?
38:12Yeah, it's just glinting off that freshly ostrich buffed calf.
38:16Why would you have swimming trunks made out of silk?
38:20I think there's two women going, if you could just leave us two alone.
38:23Yeah.
38:25So, men have to have oestrogen.
38:27If they don't have oestrogen, what happens to them, do we know?
38:29They become ladies.
38:31Well, they get a male menopause is the thing.
38:33They start putting on weight and have a diminished libido.
38:36It's like babies when you're breastfeeding them at the beginning.
38:38Little baby girls can have periods in the first month because they've taken your oestrogen.
38:43I did not know that.
38:44Yeah, that's true.
38:45They come out.
38:45Is this the first time you've ever had that experience?
38:48What?
38:49Not knowing something.
38:59During World War II, how did the allies hope to use oestrogen against the Nazis?
39:05This is a great story.
39:07I love this story.
39:08Is it because it's really hard to say in a German accent?
39:12It's the OSS, the Office of Strategic Services, was the predecessor to the CIA and they had a plan.
39:17What were they going to do with oestrogen?
39:18Oh, were they going to put oestrogen in their water so they thought they would stop them having babies or
39:22something like that?
39:23It was one Nazi in particular.
39:24Just chill them out a bit.
39:24Hitler.
39:24Hitler.
39:25He's the one you've got to watch.
39:27Yeah.
39:28He's the main one.
39:29I think, I'm going to call it, he's the one you want to keep your eye on.
39:32They came to the conclusion that on the male-female spectrum, Hitler was somewhere in the middle.
39:38And they thought, if they could just tip him over the edge, the Germans would stop following him.
39:44So, they were going to get the Fuhrer's gardeners to inject the vegetables with oestrogen.
39:49Wow.
39:49He had food tasters for poison, but obviously oestrogen, totally tasteless and odourless.
39:53And nobody knows if it was tried and failed or what happened to this plot.
39:57Or maybe it just vetoed because it was ridiculous.
39:59He just got really weepy one meal time.
40:02Yeah.
40:03And you cooked it for me and I really appreciate it so much.
40:08I'm sorry.
40:09I'm sorry.
40:09Just ignore them.
40:10Ignore them.
40:12That's what it was like.
40:13Poor Hitler.
40:14That's what they did.
40:15Poor Hitler.
40:20Mine are the best.
40:21Poor Hitler.
40:22That's the trailer for this episode.
40:24I love the fact that anything he's doing, you're like, yeah, I'd better you do that.
40:29You prick.
40:30Yeah, I bet you like to have a picnic on a blanket, you piece of shit.
40:37Anyway.
40:39I'm trying to work out.
40:40It looks like he's carving an onion.
40:42I think he's peeling an apple.
40:44Yeah.
40:44Peeling an apple.
40:45Like an idiot.
40:48Most of the oestrogen in our water comes from manure and not women's urine.
40:53Why do cows lie down?
40:56Is it because they're tired?
40:59Yes, because they just can't be asked to stand any longer.
41:02Fair play.
41:03So some people think that they lie down because it's going to rain.
41:05The fact is, cows get up and down 14 or so times a day and at some point it may
41:11rain.
41:11Big horse.
41:15They're a herd animals so one of them will lie down and the others will think, that is a marvellous
41:19idea.
41:21Totally going to do that.
41:23Sometimes they do it because they're cold and it keeps their stomachs warm.
41:25They don't want a dry patch then.
41:28No.
41:28I thought that's why they do it.
41:30I don't think they're that forward thinking.
41:31Dogs know it's going to rain, don't they?
41:32They can feel something in the air that we can't.
41:35It's going to be still and then they'll start going under the bed.
41:36It's because they're not watching telling.
41:37Dogs go under the bed.
41:38Go and get the washing in.
41:41I don't think they're that forward thinking, if I'm honest with you.
41:44No.
41:44I think you're underestimating the cow.
41:46I think what we're saying is no cow is a reliable weather forecaster.
41:51If you see cows lying down it means one thing.
41:54Cows enjoy lying down.
41:57And so the scores at the bottom of the taxonomic table tonight with a fabulous minus 35, it's Alan.
42:07Just imagine from the primordial soup with minus 22, it's Holly.
42:17Slowly developing the ability to walk on land with minus 16.
42:26And swinging through the trees like a good'un, it's our winner with minus five.
42:39And tonight's objectionable object prize is this lovely pair of minked penis bone earrings.
42:48Congratulations.
42:50Thank you so much.
42:54Anyone?
42:56Thank you to Holly, Nish, Cariad and Alan.
43:00And we leave you with the words of the epigrammist Logan Pearsall-Smith, who wrote in one of his books,
43:05These pieces of moral prose have been written, dear reader, by a large carnivorous mammal belonging to that suborder of
43:12the animal kingdom,
43:13which includes also the orangutan, the tusked gorilla, the baboon with his bright blue and scarlet bottom, and the gentle
43:20chimpanzee.
43:21From all the animals at QI, scarlet bottomed and otherwise.
43:24Until next time, goodbye.
43:26Bye.
43:26Bye.
43:26Bye.
43:26Bye.
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