- 1 day ago
First broadcast 3rd November 2017.
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
David Mitchell
Aisling Bea
Joe Lycett
Ali Hood
Christopher Bird
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
David Mitchell
Aisling Bea
Joe Lycett
Ali Hood
Christopher Bird
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Hello and welcome to QI, tonight, we are setting sail, I do all my own effects, tonight, we are setting
00:13sail for the open ocean, so without further ado, let's meet our crew, floundering about it, David Mitchell.
00:25Just for the halibut, Ashlyn B. All over the place, Joe Lycett, never mind the Pollocks, it's Alan Davis.
00:51Right, let's hear their call signs, David goes.
00:55How deep is the ocean?
00:59Ashlyn goes.
01:01My bonnie noise over the moon.
01:04Tune.
01:07Toe goes.
01:09How do that beat but me?
01:14And Alan goes.
01:16Row, row, row, row.
01:19Gently down the stream.
01:22We're all so happy.
01:23Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.
01:29Ah!
01:30Right, so we start off with how many oceans are there on Earth?
01:35Oh, no.
01:36Six, I can count them.
01:42First time on the show.
01:44Straight into that trap.
01:46Anymore.
01:49What, what, why?
01:52One is the correct answer.
01:53Well, they're all joined, aren't they?
01:54That is the reason, indeed.
01:56According to America's National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, there's only one ocean, it's the world ocean, it covers 71%
02:03of the world's surface.
02:05So, to make it a bit more convenient, they divide it into four smaller oceans.
02:09The Pacific, the Atlantic, the Indian, and the Arctic.
02:13And the US Board on Geographic Names recognizes the Southern, that's the Antarctic Ocean, as a fifth.
02:18But the International Hydrographic Organization has not yet approved it and I imagine there's going to be a fight.
02:27They're a fantastic organization.
02:30One of the things that they do is tables of tonnage.
02:33And this affected me because I did this very strange trip once when I canoed across Africa.
02:37I canoed the whole of the Zambezi.
02:39You can't canoe across Africa.
02:40You can't.
02:41That's a lie.
02:42Sand and desert, you can't canoe across Africa.
02:47So I went on this mythical river, 1,700 miles across Africa.
02:53And when you get to the Indian Ocean, the harbormaster said, how many tons?
02:57Because I need to write it down in the table of tonnage.
02:59So rude.
03:00And it's true.
03:01And it was...
03:04But it was just me and a canoe and the minimum tonnage was half a tonne.
03:08So I went into the Indian Ocean weighing half a tonne.
03:12Half a tonne of toxic.
03:14Next.
03:14Next.
03:15I'll be on some register somewhere in Mozambique.
03:18Tell me about this canoe.
03:19Okay.
03:20So it is a really wonderful story.
03:21My father came home one day.
03:23We were living in New York.
03:24And we had a very small swimming pool.
03:26And he came home and he possibly had had a drink.
03:29And he said, I have bought the canoe that Livingston started the Zambezi with.
03:33And he very proudly...
03:34It's a wooden canoe and it comes in two halves which you can lock together.
03:37And he put this canoe.
03:38And we have a wonderful picture of my dad in our swimming pool drinking whiskey in this canoe.
03:42And years later, the BBC said to me, would you like to make a journey?
03:44And I said, well, as it happens, my dad had the canoe and I've got it now that charted the
03:49Zambezi.
03:49And I would like to actually take it down the Zambezi.
03:51So it's like a hundred year old...
03:52No.
03:53Turns out it was built in 1954.
03:57My dad was sold a complete puff.
04:01But it has now been down the Zambezi.
04:11Largest ocean in the solar system.
04:12Anybody?
04:13In the solar system?
04:14Mm.
04:15What do we reckon?
04:15It's not going to be an ocean with water in it, is it?
04:18Well, that is the thing that we do not know.
04:21It's one of the moons.
04:22Is it the one?
04:24Eucalyptus.
04:26What's it called?
04:27Eucalyptus.
04:28It's bound to be Titan, that's the only moon.
04:29Euripides?
04:30Europa.
04:31Europa.
04:31So, I'm going to give you an extra point for that because...
04:33Oh!
04:33Very good.
04:34Absolutely.
04:38It's Jupiter's moon.
04:40Europa.
04:40The Hubble telescope has detected a water plume which is 20 times higher than Mount Everest.
04:45So, possibly, there is three times as much water on Europa as there is in the world ocean.
04:51If it's water.
04:52If...
04:53It's hard to say.
04:53What could be custard?
04:54Yes.
04:56Famously, Jupiter custard.
04:58If it's custard, where were the eggs sourced?
05:03Are you worrying about the organic nature of Jupiter?
05:06No, I wouldn't mind if it's sort of powdered custard, but either way, you've got to think
05:10where's the vanilla come from, the eggs.
05:13You've got to think about it scientifically.
05:15Well, that's one of the things that means it probably isn't custard.
05:18Yes.
05:19That's why they've jumped to water.
05:21I'm examining it properly.
05:23Mmm.
05:23Please don't let this be caught by you, this system that David employs.
05:28It's...
05:29I like powdered custard.
05:32Well, you're pretty good at this.
05:35How does this happen to me?
05:38So, the etymology of ocean, anybody know where it comes from?
05:42Philly.
05:43It's named after.
05:43Philly.
05:44What a friend.
05:45It's Greek.
05:46Oceanos.
05:47The great river or sea surrounding...
05:50Well, the only known land masses at the time, which is Eurasia and Africa, and the river
05:54was personified by Oceanos, son of Uranus from the earth and Gaia from the sky.
05:59A muscular fella, wasn't he?
06:01He looks like he owns like a Shoreditch coffee bar.
06:09He's got every sort of coffee you could imagine.
06:12He's got the stuff made by weasels.
06:17He's married to his sister.
06:19Listen, don't knock it till you've tried it.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:23How many kids do you think they had?
06:24Me and his sister.
06:25Tethys.
06:26Three kids, six heads.
06:29LAUGHTER
06:33APPLAUSE
06:356,000.
06:376,000.
06:383,000 boy river gods and...
06:40Are they all like tadpoles?
06:42Yeah, 3,000 girl sea nymphs.
06:44There's no picture of her because she just couldn't sit still.
06:47LAUGHTER
06:50There's just one ocean on earth and that's why it's called the ocean.
06:54I call it the sea.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:59The ocean's a bit of an Americanism.
07:02I think we should have waited till series S.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:08All right, moving on.
07:10What's the scariest thing about this?
07:15Ooh.
07:17Ooh.
07:19Ooh.
07:19Ooh.
07:20Isn't that incredible?
07:22What is the most scary thing about it?
07:25That the cameraman never lived to see his movie be shown on QI.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:29What do you think is the most scary thing about it?
07:32The teeth.
07:33Ah.
07:35APPLAUSE
07:37The fact that they can't go backwards.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:44Sorry, that takes them a bit long to type.
07:48LAUGHTER
08:01What scare is subjective, really, isn't it?
08:03What is the scariest?
08:04Well, our perception of sharks is apparently shaped by footage in nature documentaries,
08:10which tends to be accompanied by ominous music.
08:13So the thing that really scares you in it is ominous music.
08:16So they did a study at the University of California,
08:18and they showed three clips of sharks to participants.
08:21So the one we've just seen with the ominous music.
08:23Here's one with silence.
08:27Hello, my friend.
08:30LAUGHTER
08:31Oh!
08:33Oh!
08:36LAUGHTER
08:37LAUGHTER
08:40And here...
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45LAUGHTER
08:45Have a look at this.
08:48LAUGHTER
08:48LAUGHTER
08:49LAUGHTER
08:49LAUGHTER
08:50LAUGHTER
08:52Do you know what?
08:53There's a whole show for you, Alan.
08:55LAUGHTER
08:56I'm just doing fish impersonation. We had the trout faking her orgasm last series
09:15Can you do shot who then has an orgasm?
09:30Mildly surprised
09:33Because they don't know they're going to have an orgasm they haven't learned about orgasms or experimented with themselves
09:39The first time must be a very alarming my worry is watching you do them that you haven't seen someone
09:46have one before
09:56We'll let you do it for the second or the third time, then they're much more
10:09Is everything okay at home?
10:15Anyway, let's have a look at the same clip with uplifting music
10:19hmm
10:30But here's the thing they aren't actually that dangerous and the thought is that the ominous nature of documentaries
10:35Leads the public to have a distrust of sharks and that in terms harms their conservation funding the truth is
10:40Sharks kill worldwide about six people a year and the same number are killed by livestock in Britain alone
10:47So a cow more likely to do you in than a shark and they kill 30 people a year jellyfish
10:55Luring them across the road
11:05Which to think is the most dangerous out of all those animals in terms of human deaths well, I know
11:10hippos are real psychos
11:12Yeah, it is the hippos. It's actually they kill
11:17Psycho, man
11:172,900 people a year are killed by hippos
11:20Compare that to six people killed by sharks you are a thousand times more likely to drown in the sea
11:26than you are to be bitten by a shark
11:27Even in an area with sharks I saw sharks up close once they feed them and the man puts chain
11:33mail on his arm
11:34And you all sit in a circle and they appear the group like out of the fog
11:37You don't see them incredibly fast
11:40And then that he's giving them fish and he's chain mail hand. Why are you handing the food up?
11:45I don't you're sitting on the floor. They're all above you around. Are we talking about sharks? Yes
11:49Just don't understand why you're on the floor and they're in the sky above you
11:53This is the environment is all some aqua
11:56This is the environment is all some aqua
11:56That's what you're talking about
11:57Oh, you're all in water
12:01Put out the plot line of the stars for the audience and the stars
12:05Have you totally understood the theme of the show?
12:07So just if you're not here, just look here for a brief moment
12:11Yes, yes, that kid's party is about to happen
12:14I understand
12:16So when we're talking about the danger of sharks
12:18The contrast of sharks killing six people
12:20More than a million sharks are killed by people every year
12:23So we are much more of a danger to sharks
12:25They are, they get caught in fishing nets, it's grim
12:27I've got to start killing sharks, man
12:30Keep doing it
12:31You know that wonderful tune written by John Williams
12:33The two-note theme to Jaws
12:34He described it as grinding away at you
12:36Just as a shark would do instinctual, relentless, unstoppable
12:40So here's the thing
12:41The film is two hours and ten minutes
12:43But the shark doesn't appear until 81 minutes in
12:46Do you know why?
12:48Because very, very diva-ish shark
12:50That sort of refused to turn up at the right time
12:53That is actually the right answer
13:02It was a mechanical shark and it kept breaking down
13:06So they had to keep finding creative ways to shoot round it
13:09So in a sense the shark wouldn't come out of the trailer
13:13Jaws of course based on the book of the same name by Peter Benchley
13:16I have some working titles that he first thought of
13:18The stillness in the water
13:19The jaws of death
13:20But my favourite
13:22What's that noshing on my leg?
13:30Do you think in the book that he had typed
13:32Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do?
13:36Page two
13:38It's right in itself
13:42Benchley actually has a shark named after him
13:45Etmopterus Benchleyi
13:46Not exactly a killer
13:48It's about 30-50 centimetres long
13:49Also known as Ninja Lantern Shark
13:52It's fairly recently discovered
13:54It lives off the coast of Central America
13:56We don't have one obviously in the studio
13:59But they have a life-size cutout
14:01So it looks like that
14:02That's the size it is in real life?
14:04That's the size of the the one that Peter Benchley who wrote Jaws has got
14:07That is pathetic
14:08Yeah?
14:10This is a shark
14:21But you see you can't help yourself but do the music
14:23You immediately went do do do do do do do do do do do do do
14:26So he looks really nice and friendly though
14:28He looks rather sweet
14:31It's got lots of things on the side that says you shouldn't do
14:34But it doesn't say don't swim with actual sharks
14:37Ben is not the smallest shark though
14:39The one named after Benchley
14:40The Dwarf Lantern Shark is the smallest
14:42And it grows to only about 15 centimetres
14:45I'd seen a couple of those on a pizza
14:47Then a tomato
14:50Their stomach organs emit light
14:52To camouflage them from creatures below
14:55So it makes them blend into the sunlight that streams from the light above
14:57My favourite shark that I ever seen was Joe Lysad in a swimming pool in Canada
15:01We were doing gigs out together
15:02And you if you know your little like
15:04Your shark that he does in the pool
15:06But you don't see Joe coming
15:08And then he goes
15:17There was a Gay Jaws as well that I did which was
15:20Da da da da
15:21Ooh!
15:23Scared of me? Shut up!
15:34Did you know that female sharks can reproduce without male contact?
15:38Did you know this?
15:41Living the dream.
15:42It is almost impossible to sneak up on a shark,
15:45and that's because they have eyes on the side of their head.
15:47They can see behind them just as well as they can see in front.
15:51I'm very...
15:57So they've got two blind spots, one directly in front of them,
16:00and one behind.
16:02I'm interested that someone has worked out how difficult it is
16:05to sneak up on a shark.
16:08That would involve someone seeing a shark and thinking,
16:11tell you what, I'm going to sneak up on it.
16:13Can he give that shark the fright of his lap?
16:16LAUGHTER
16:20It's really difficult to sneak up on them.
16:22He keeps going...
16:26Who would like to see a shark which can bite chunks out of a submarine?
16:30Yes!
16:31OK, I don't even... Alan, can you lift that up, darling?
16:33It's very heavy.
16:35Here we have...
16:37So butch.
16:40I shat that out earlier.
16:48There it is, I don't know if you can...
16:49You can see it well.
16:57You're going to be so sorry because the expert who brought that in
17:00is about to speak to us and you're going to be...
17:02LAUGHTER
17:07It is about 18 inches long and...
17:11In fact, we have a number of things.
17:12Please welcome Chris Bird from Southampton University
17:15and Ali Hood of the Shark Trust, who has been just over there.
17:22Chris, let's start with the one in the jar.
17:24Is it true it could bite a chunk out of a submarine?
17:26Yeah, there's certainly historical evidence of them biting
17:29through the rubber coverings of submarines and cables
17:32on undersea cameras and things like that.
17:34So what is this one called?
17:35That's the cookie cutter shark.
17:37And why is it called that?
17:38So it leaves these really distinctive kind of cookie cutter bite marks
17:41in its prey.
17:42So it usually eats whales and big fish.
17:45And it will suck onto the side of them, bore out a cookie cutter hole
17:50and then swim off.
17:51And sometimes it confuses submarines and cameras and cables
17:56for their prey.
17:57And could it hurt a person?
17:59There's been one case of a person being eaten
18:01whilst they were swimming at night between two islands.
18:04But it would be in small, they'd eat them slowly by chunks
18:07like Hannibal Lecter.
18:08Yeah, you just wouldn't know it came.
18:09First I get the back and then I get the brains.
18:12It would just dart by you and then before you know it
18:14you kind of had a chunk missing without you realising what happened.
18:17So it could be like a good weight loss scheme.
18:21On the islands you lose half a pound each way.
18:25Maybe they've eaten too much custard, darling.
18:28Now Ali, let me just talk about this
18:29because I have sometimes found these on a beach.
18:33Tell me what it is.
18:33Is this an UK?
18:35Yes.
18:35Yeah, we have oviparous egg-laying sharks and skates in the UK.
18:40So what is this?
18:41That one is the egg case of a flapper skate.
18:44It's found up in Scotland around the north of Ireland
18:46and that's one of the largest skates globally.
18:49It grows for two to three metres across its wingspan.
18:51So some people call them mermaids purses but it's sharks' eggs, isn't it?
18:54Yeah, sharks' and skates' and ray eggs.
18:57And when you find them they're all empty, is that right?
18:59Generally they're empty, if they're not you'll know because they'll be quite stinky.
19:02And this one here?
19:03The smaller species you have there are skate or we call them rays.
19:06If they've got curly tendrils, those are cat-shark egg cases.
19:10So we have three egg-laying sharks in British waters.
19:13And people could just find these on the beach for themselves.
19:15Yeah, absolutely.
19:15So the one that is really extraordinary is this...
19:18Wow.
19:19It's a piece of art really.
19:20What is this one?
19:21That one is from Australia.
19:24It's associated with Port Jackson sharks.
19:26And I found that just the other week when I was down there.
19:29So how does it work?
19:29I mean, it looks like a sort of screw.
19:31Yes, the shark lays it, it takes the egg case in its mouth
19:34and then it literally screws it into a crevice in a rock
19:37where it safely develops.
19:39Wow.
19:39And is there just one baby shark in that?
19:41One baby shark in all of those, yes.
19:43Whoa.
19:44Well, Ali and Chris, thank you so very much.
19:46You're welcome.
19:51Would you like me to put my shark away?
19:54Yes, please, darling.
19:55Sorry.
19:57Goodbye, old friend.
20:02Right.
20:02What's the biggest thing in the ocean that you've never heard of?
20:06Oh.
20:07Well, I mean, we've never heard of it, so it's difficult for us to name.
20:11Yes.
20:12That is true.
20:13Shall we have a stab at it?
20:14Yes.
20:15The sheriff there.
20:18Blue whale.
20:21Blue whale.
20:25They're astonishing.
20:26Up to 98 feet, 170 tons, but I want one you've never heard of.
20:33Red whale.
20:38It's called the ocean sunfish, the common molar.
20:41It is essentially a giant head covered in mucus.
20:45Oh!
20:46Oh!
20:47Oh!
20:47Oh!
20:47Oh!
20:47We've all been there.
20:52I went scuba diving one time in Australia, and when I got back on the boat, the pilot of
20:58the boat said, got a little bit of in your mask there, mate, and my mask was full of snot.
21:04I mean, it was an extraordinary amount of snot that I couldn't understand that that had been in my head
21:09in the first place.
21:11So you were like one of these?
21:12You were like one of these?
21:12Yes, I was.
21:13It's a head covered in mucus.
21:15They spend most of their time sunbathing on the surface of the ocean.
21:18One of these adults can literally weigh a ton, and they grow to be 60 million times heavier than their
21:26larvae.
21:26So that would be like a human baby becoming an adult, the size of six titanics.
21:31They have a grey round body and rough skin, which is a bit like sandpaper.
21:34The Germans call it the schwimmender Kopf, the swimming head.
21:38And they apparently have a permanently surprised expression.
21:40They have a mouse that never really closes.
21:42And they're very docile and very curious and friendly.
21:45Tierney Teese, who is the world's leading expert, describes them as goofy.
21:48She says that when she goes to try and tag one, they stick their fin out of the water and
21:54wave like,
21:55I'm over here.
21:58And the little one looks like he's about to start a fight on a night out.
22:04Apparently, they're just not aggressive in any way.
22:07There's only one human death attributed to a molar.
22:10And that's a man who was accidentally flattened by one leaping.
22:16What size are they then?
22:18About six foot by eight foot.
22:19But really, it's like having a car cam at you.
22:21It's like a sort of Cadillac.
22:22Whoa, God, they are big.
22:23Yeah, yeah.
22:24And where would you find one?
22:26Isle of Wight.
22:27Yeah.
22:28In fact, the Isle of Wight is one big one.
22:31They like it warm, darling.
22:33You're not going to find it round the British coast.
22:35They're very strong swimmers and they can dive down to a fantastic depth, 2,600 metres.
22:39And the females produce as many as 300 million eggs at a time, but only two survive.
22:47Oh.
22:48Yeah.
22:48I don't know.
22:49I don't know.
22:50We feel bad.
22:50We're invested now in the moment.
22:52Yeah.
22:53It looks like it's not finished.
22:56I think it's chopped a bit off.
22:58We'll just squeeze it in at the bottom.
22:59There, that'd be fun.
23:02It's like the good Lord where, that'll do.
23:06Unfinished sculpture of a fish.
23:08Yeah.
23:08Yeah.
23:08The biggest thing in the ocean that we'd never heard of used to be the Mola Mola, although
23:13now we know about it, that title will have to be passed onto something else.
23:16As an editor, what suggestions would you make to improve Moby Dick?
23:23I think it should have, like, a feminist remake and should be called Moby Fanny.
23:36Do you want to give me any plot points?
23:39She still eats a manhole.
23:45The publisher who was sent to Peter J. Bentley rejected Herman Melville's Moby Dick because
23:50he didn't like the whale.
23:53This is what he wrote.
23:55First, we must ask, does it have to be a whale?
23:58While this is a rather delightful, if somewhat esoteric, plot device, we recommend an antagonist
24:04with a more popular visage among the younger readers.
24:06For instance, could not the captain be struggling with a depravity towards young,
24:12perhaps voluptuous maidens?
24:19Partly inspired by a real whale called Mockadick.
24:22It was a whale that's fantastically fussy about his coffee.
24:27What a starbucks character in, isn't he?
24:29Yes, absolutely.
24:31It was a real whale, an albino sperm whale, who swam alongside whaling boats
24:35and if the boats tried to attack Mockadick, he would then destroy them.
24:38In fact, when he was killed in 1839, they found 19 harpoons in his side.
24:41It's a legendary whale.
24:44What sort of whale was it?
24:45Herman Melville talks about a sperm whale as the largest creature on Earth.
24:48That's right.
24:48But that is because when he was writing, the blue whale had never been measured.
24:51The blue whale's going...
24:53Don't say.
24:54So the sperm whale is sort of 67 feet to the blue whale's kind of 98 feet,
24:58so not as big, but it's the largest toothed whale.
25:02I was at the Natural History Museum and the penis of the sperm whale
25:07is just so intimidating.
25:10It's just so long as, like, two cars, I'd say,
25:14to carry that around with him.
25:16Are we talking like a Voxel Astra?
25:17Or...
25:18Yeah, the white...
25:19Or Range Rovers?
25:20Yeah.
25:21Well, actually, our shark experts, they might know.
25:23Would you know how long...?
25:24Hi.
25:25Just because they're shark experts doesn't mean they're experts on whale penises.
25:30OK.
25:30Very separate fields.
25:32What specific car is a whale's dick like?
25:37I'm so sorry.
25:39A limousine, I think.
25:39A limousine?
25:40Limousine.
25:41Like a well-attended hen party limousine, or like a...
25:45It's only like a stretch limo when it's excited.
25:48LAUGHTER
25:55Moving on.
25:57Poor old Herman Melville.
25:593,715 copies of Moby Dick sold in his lifetime.
26:02Earned just $556.37.
26:05He died virtually unknown.
26:07And then in 2014, The Guardian named Moby Dick
26:09the 17th greatest novel of all time.
26:12So, for an extra point, buzz in.
26:15Who knows the first line of Moby Dick?
26:19Call me Ishmael.
26:21Call me Ishmael.
26:21Absolutely right.
26:22Some years ago, never mind how long precisely,
26:24having little or no money in my purse,
26:25nothing particular to interest me on shore,
26:28I thought I would sail about a little
26:29and see the watery part of the world.
26:32According to America Book Review,
26:33that is the number one best sentence in the world.
26:37I'm going to read out number two,
26:38and I will give a bonus point to anybody who interrupts
26:40and tells me where it's from.
26:42It's a truth universally acknowledged
26:44that a single man in possession of a good fortune...
26:48Pride and Prejudice.
26:48Pride and Prejudice.
26:49You're absolutely right, yes.
26:51Must be a wantable wife.
26:51Have you got that with a lower down?
26:52Like Harry Potter-ish that I can put in?
26:55It's the third one.
26:56If it's custard...
27:03I tell you what I do have,
27:04I have some of the greatest rejection letters of all time.
27:06An irresponsible holiday story that will never sell,
27:10The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham.
27:13An absurd and uninteresting fantasy which was rubbish and dull,
27:17William Golding for The Lord of the Flies.
27:20I haven't the foggiest idea about what the man is trying to say.
27:23Apparently the author intends to be funny.
27:25Catch-22 by Joseph Heller.
27:28I'm afraid I thought this one as dire as its title.
27:30It's a kind of Prince of Denmark of the hotel world,
27:33a collection of clichés and stock characters
27:35which I can't see being anything but a disaster.
27:38Ian Main, a BBC comedy script editor,
27:40turning down Forty Towers.
27:43Wonderful, isn't it?
27:44And T.S. Eliot, who used to work for a while as a director
27:47at Faber and Faber the Great Publishing House,
27:48he rejected George Orwell's Animal Farm
27:50because he was concerned it was excessively Trotsky-esque.
27:54He argued the pigs were far more intelligent than the other animals
27:57and the farm needed more public-spirited pigs.
28:03So if editors had had their way,
28:05Moby Dick would have been a voluptuous maiden instead of a whale.
28:09What kind of bag were all British lifeboats required
28:12to carry until 1998?
28:14A hound bog.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:20APPLAUSE
28:23APPLAUSE
28:25That's it, that.
28:27APPLAUSE
28:28A bag for life.
28:30A bag for life.
28:32See?
28:33That's very good.
28:34They're like that.
28:35A lifeboat, it's a bag for life.
28:36Yes, that's very good.
28:37Is it one of those wet bags that keeps things dry?
28:40Well, it certainly has liquid in it.
28:42Oh.
28:43So what kind of liquid might you take with you?
28:45Custard.
28:48A bag of custard.
28:50A bag of custard.
28:51It's oil.
28:52They were known as wave-quelling bags,
28:54so oil was commonly used to calm troubled waters.
28:57I'm sure you've heard the expression,
28:58it was kept in a canvas bag which was attached to the anchor
29:00and it worked by reducing the wave height and the sea spray
29:04and lifeboats were required to carry oil bags until 1998.
29:08How much oil would you need to put in the water to stop a wave?
29:11It's really a small amount, so a single tablespoon of oil
29:14dropped onto a lake can calm half an acre of water.
29:18No.
29:19Well, what happens is that it spreads out to form a layer
29:21which is just one molecule thick and that is enough to prevent
29:24the wind from whipping up the waves onto the surface.
29:26This is something that has been known about since Pliny the Elder.
29:29And he wrote,
29:30everything is soothed by oil and this is the reason why divers send out
29:33small quantities of it from their mouths because it smooths every part
29:37which is rough.
29:38Oh my God.
29:39Like a salad dressing amount.
29:41How are you making your salad?
29:44He's giving a bit of tossing it, darling.
29:46It's amazing the amount of oil slicks there have been
29:49in the last half a century.
29:51It's amazing there's ever any rough weather at sea.
29:55Nobody ever sees the positive side of an oil slick.
29:58Genuinely though, in an oil slick area would there then be no waves
30:03for ages.
30:03It would genuinely calm the waters and one of the reasons why
30:06we know this, the person who did so many experiments on this,
30:08is the great American statesman Benjamin Franklin.
30:11He saw two ships from a flotilla and they had smooth waters
30:15in their wake while the other ships didn't and he asked why
30:18and he was told that those ships had jettisoned their kitchen grease
30:20and that therefore gave them the easier passage and he checked
30:23this out and what's lovely, he did experiments on a place in London
30:27and there's a place called Mount Pond on Clapham Common
30:29and that is in fact where he did his experiments and the pond
30:31is still there today.
30:33He stinks of chip fat.
30:37There's also a natural, not just us who do this, swordfish,
30:40they've got a gland next to their noses and they secrete oil
30:44and it's thought to coat the fish's head in order to repel water
30:47and make it easier for them to swim through it.
30:49And they can reach speeds of up to 62 miles per hour.
30:52So, and that is the, again, the oil.
30:54Then when you go to fry them as well, it's really handy
30:55because you're just like, psssss, doesn't sink in the pan.
30:58Straight away.
31:00You can just hold them by the nose and cook them like that.
31:03You can use his nose to chop up all the garlic and the onions.
31:06Then throw them in the pan.
31:07Yeah, make a salad.
31:12Now, describe the world's oiliest Valentine's card.
31:18Uh, all of oil of you forever.
31:22Well, you're not far off.
31:25Is it just Aisling's because her salad dressings come everywhere?
31:29Who might send Valentine's cards that they think are also supportive of oil?
31:33Oh, like General Motors.
31:35Yes.
31:36General Motors loves how much petrol you buy.
31:38OK, you're absolutely right, except it was Shell Oil.
31:41Oh.
31:41So, 1938 to 1975, Shell Oil sent anonymous Valentine's cards
31:45to their female customers.
31:46And they wanted to make sure they were anonymous,
31:48so they bought stamps rather than putting it through the franking machine.
31:51But I think the verses rather give away that it was a marketing gimmick.
31:55So, here is one.
31:56At last you know my valentine.
31:59The news I've longed to bring.
32:01Now let the petrol flow like wine.
32:04Let joyful engines sing.
32:08What?
32:09Is there another one?
32:10Aisling, perhaps you'd read one for us, please.
32:12Of course, I can definitely read.
32:14Um, my valentine, my basic need, O fly away with me.
32:19My heart is full, if not my tank, to journey far with thee.
32:24Aw.
32:26It's a tanky euphemism, isn't that?
32:29How did Shell Oil get their name?
32:30Anybody know?
32:30I've got a tiny, dying memory in my brain.
32:34Oh.
32:34The father of the guy that founded it collected shells.
32:37Yeah, absolutely right.
32:38Woo!
32:38Woo!
32:39Woo!
32:40Woo!
32:43There was a man called Marcus Samuel.
32:44He had an antiques business in Whitechapel in London.
32:47And then in 1833, he started importing ornamental shells
32:50because they were hugely popular in interior design.
32:53And in order to get these shells from all over the world,
32:56he developed all sorts of trade routes.
32:58And then his sons began trading in oil
33:01and they used their father's roots
33:03in order to bring the oil in.
33:05Isn't there something about the importance of oil
33:08as a sort of global political thing,
33:11increasing massively when Winston Churchill
33:14turned the Royal Navy from coal to oil?
33:18Oh, I did not know that, but that makes total sense to me.
33:21So you would imagine at that moment,
33:23if you want to rule the waves, then...
33:25Yeah, suddenly the coal that was underneath Britain
33:27wasn't enough
33:28and it was important to control bits of the world
33:30that had oil underneath it.
33:31So it's Churchill's fault?
33:32It's Churchill's fault.
33:33You don't hear that very often.
33:35Yeah.
33:36Roses are red.
33:37Oil makes us slick.
33:39Shells, Valentine's cards were a marketing trick.
33:42See what I did there?
33:43Nice.
33:44Very nice.
33:44Now, steady your stomachs and hold on to the handrail.
33:48It's time for general ignorance.
33:49Complete this sentence.
33:51There are plenty more fish in the...
33:54On the sea.
34:00You don't learn, do you?
34:02Yes.
34:03Sky.
34:06Only 20% of the world's fish species actually live in the sea.
34:10Where do the rest live?
34:11The rivers.
34:12Rivers and lakes.
34:13Absolutely right.
34:14Amazon, Congo, Mekong, all those kind of river basins,
34:17particularly diverse in fish species.
34:19So one site in the Amazon basin, Cantau State Park,
34:22contains more freshwater fish species than the whole of Europe.
34:24That's a lot of fish.
34:26It is a lot of fish.
34:28I think that's the premise for mentioning it.
34:35Hang on.
34:36Do you see how he's understood the show?
34:39David.
34:40Yeah.
34:40The next time you come on, that chair's very comfy.
34:45Possible.
34:45Of course, we have polluted rivers and many of them don't sustain large fish populations.
34:52Yeah.
34:53Mmm.
34:54You talked about fish coming from the sky, so in Utah,
34:58there used to be that remote lakes were once stocked by walking miles and miles
35:01with milk cans full of fish.
35:04And today, they're dropped from plains 150 foot above the lakes.
35:09And it's called aerial restocking.
35:12Ted Hallows, who's a hatchery manager from Camas County in Utah,
35:15says most of the fish make it to the water safety.
35:19Each one of those fish has got a Just Giving page.
35:28They're slightly obsessed with the fish.
35:30Utah has a lake named Fish Lake.
35:32You find it on the Fish Lake Plateau in the Fish Lake National Forest.
35:37There's too many now.
35:38Too many fish.
35:39Fish Lake Forest.
35:40Which is it?
35:43I feel like Fish Lake would make a less athletic ballet show.
35:54Sometimes there are fish in the sky.
35:56In 2004, the people of Knighton in Powis were surprised to see dozens of minnows
36:01flapping around the floor.
36:02And it was after a thunderstorm.
36:03And the usual explanation is that a small tornado has sucked the fish
36:07from a nearby body of water.
36:09Although some people are skeptical of this,
36:10they get an overflow from a pond.
36:12But why isn't there actually a fish that lives in trees or on the land?
36:17Because, you know, there's penguins that live in the sea.
36:19Yes.
36:19And mammals that live in the sea, you know.
36:22Why hasn't a fish had the gumption to start living like a rabbit?
36:27Hangs in graces.
36:28I think it's lack of ambition.
36:32Bats.
36:33Bats are mammals.
36:34They can fly.
36:35It just doesn't make sense.
36:37No.
36:37The fish aren't trying.
36:38No.
36:40I think that what you need to do is to start diving and give those fish a good talking
36:45to.
36:46I wouldn't need to dive if there were fish running around.
36:58The mangrove killifish lives on land.
37:00Oh.
37:01There's one.
37:02Well done.
37:04Well done, the mangrove killifish.
37:06It's my kind of fish.
37:09Now, when do spring tides occur in the southern hemisphere?
37:14Ooh.
37:14Now.
37:15Now.
37:16Now.
37:16Ah.
37:17Ah.
37:17Ah.
37:17Yeah.
37:18Oh.
37:22Is it the opposite to us here in the northern hemisphere?
37:27So.
37:28What are you going to say?
37:29I'm going to go, Sandy, with Augustepte.
37:37What are you saying?
37:38Autumn.
37:38You're not giving me a clue.
37:41Okay.
37:42Autumn.
37:43Yeah.
37:43No.
37:44Darn.
37:46Spring.
37:46Hey.
37:49Springtime doesn't mean to be spring at all.
37:51It is the high tide that follows a new or a full moon.
37:54So it is the time when there is the most difference between high and low tides.
37:58So basically occurs twice a month.
38:00All year round.
38:02It just comes from an earlier meaning of spring, which means to rise up suddenly.
38:06That's what it is.
38:06But tide actually has a Norse origin.
38:08So in Denmark, the word for time is t-i-d, and that's where we get tide from.
38:13So tide and time actually means the same thing.
38:15It's like Easter tide, isn't it?
38:17Yeah.
38:17Doesn't refer to a tide.
38:18That means Easter time.
38:20Yule tide.
38:21It's the same.
38:21It's about time.
38:22Yeah.
38:22Highest time in the world, Canada.
38:24The Bay of Fundy, which separates New Brunswick from Nova Scotia.
38:27The difference between high and low tide at its most is 53 feet.
38:33So that is the same as a three-storey building.
38:37That's a fit.
38:37I wouldn't imagine.
38:38The tide's coming in.
38:39Yeah, it'll be all right.
38:40Ooh.
38:4153 feet.
38:42The house!
38:42The house!
38:46Now, without leaving your seat, please somebody do an impression of an Olympic diver.
38:52Hello, it's me, Tom Daly.
39:03Right, do I get the point?
39:05Yeah, I like that.
39:06You can have extra point.
39:06That's very good.
39:07What do you mean?
39:08Well, what do they look like?
39:10They go...
39:10They die?
39:12Oh, no.
39:16No, they lock their hands together like this and enter with the palms entering the water
39:21first because it creates less splash.
39:24So what they're trying to do is they're trying to make a cavity in the water wide enough
39:27for the body to go through.
39:28So if you look there, when they impact...
39:30I'm looking.
39:30I'm looking.
39:32It's an odd angle to see somebody out, isn't it?
39:34Not particularly.
39:38LAUGHTER
39:40You're always dangling, men.
39:43LAUGHTER
39:43You wouldn't mind putting your ankles up there.
39:47LAUGHTER
39:49I went to see Olympic diving.
39:50Was it good?
39:51Er...
39:51Well, the thing about it is...
39:54Once you've seen one, you really have seen them all.
40:00One by one, they go up the top and whoop!
40:03Psh!
40:04Psh!
40:07It's not a spectator sport.
40:09Did you watch the Rio Olympics?
40:10Could you see the pool got...
40:12It went green.
40:13It went green.
40:14Somebody had poured 160 litres of hydrogen peroxide into the pool.
40:18And if you put chlorine and hydrogen peroxide together, they'd neutralise one another.
40:22And algae is free to grow.
40:25The thing I liked best about Rio was they had some of the world's greatest swimmers and 75 lifeguards.
40:33Now...
40:34LAUGHTER
40:37Well, they might be very, very fast.
40:39Yeah.
40:39Have they got a brick off the bottom, you see?
40:42LAUGHTER
40:43Apparently, the issue is that synchronised swimmers can collide.
40:46That is one of the things.
40:48And swimmers sometimes faint.
40:50So they had 75 lifeguards who work...
40:51One of the things that no-one has ever seen happen.
40:53LAUGHTER
40:54Do you know what was my favourite?
40:55My favourite sport of all time.
40:56Solo synchronised swimming.
40:59LAUGHTER
41:01LAUGHTER
41:03OK, it was a sport at the Olympic Games between 1984 and 1992.
41:07I mean, that's just splashing about.
41:10On your own.
41:11To music.
41:13I mean, it's fun, I'm sure, but there's no need to make it a competition.
41:17No, but what you could do is put a shark in.
41:19LAUGHTER
41:20LAUGHTER
41:22Right, final question in our ocean show.
41:24So we go to the greatest ocean of all.
41:27How many lungs does Billy Ocean have?
41:30I'm going to go one.
41:33LAUGHTER
41:34That's great!
41:36He has three.
41:37He has an extra pulmonary node between his two regular lungs.
41:41And some people attribute the fact that he's got this extra lung capacity as to why he's had such a
41:45long career.
41:45I think it's because he's one of the nicest men you will ever, ever meet.
41:49Now, as we head back into Harbour, let's take a quick look at the score.
41:51You're all at sea in last place with minus 51.
41:56It's Alan!
41:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:01In third place with minus 37, David!
42:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:27And the light objectionable object, this lovely sausage dog drink dispenser goes to Joe.
42:36Congratulations.
42:37I love that.
42:38There you go.
42:39Look at that!
42:40Fantastic.
42:40You're only amazed for me to thank Aisling, David, Joe and Alan.
42:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:45Now that we've all disembarked safely, we hope you enjoyed your voyage aboard the QI2 and we leave you with
42:51this.
42:51During the early days of the Iraq War, Defence Secretary Jeff Hoon stated in Parliament that the port of Umm
42:57Kassar was like the city of Southampton.
43:00He's either never been to Umm Kassar or he's never been to Southampton, said one soldier.
43:04There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us.
43:06It's actually more like Portsmouth.
43:08LAUGHTER
43:09Thank you very much!
43:10Good night!
43:10Thanks!
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