- 1 day ago
First broadcast 1st December 2017.
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
Liza Tarbuck
Matt Lucas
Romesh Ranganathan
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
Liza Tarbuck
Matt Lucas
Romesh Ranganathan
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, and welcome to T.Y.
00:03We're here tonight.
00:05We're up in the attic,
00:07rootling through the tea chests and old suitcases
00:09in search of quite interesting odds and ends.
00:12And joining me on my rummage
00:15are an absolute treasure,
00:17Ramesh Ranganathan.
00:22A collector's item, Lisa Tarver.
00:28A guest of rare antiquity, Matt Lucas.
00:35And look who else we managed to dig up.
00:38Alan Davis.
00:45Right, their buzzers are an assortment of odds and sods,
00:50rummish goes.
00:51Bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
00:54Lisa goes.
00:56I said I had too much of this and that.
01:00Oh, I like that.
01:02Matt goes.
01:03Eagles and pins and...
01:07They're so jolly, aren't they?
01:08They are.
01:09And Alan goes.
01:10Sex and drugs and books and clothes,
01:12he's very cool indeed.
01:14Come on.
01:17OK, how's this for openers?
01:19What would you open with these?
01:22So, let's have a quick look.
01:23I've got number one here.
01:25Can we have a look?
01:26A door?
01:27A lock or something like that?
01:28Well, it's going to certainly open something that's difficult to open.
01:32A safe, a suitcase, your heart.
01:42Is it a device for opening two unexploded party poppers?
01:49Oh!
01:51I want it to be that.
01:52Yeah.
01:53I see that you're wearing a very fine watch there, rummish.
02:01What do you think it might be?
02:03It's for a watch.
02:05That's why we have you on this show.
02:07It's the sharpness of the mind, because it's so fantastic.
02:10Is it?
02:12No.
02:13No.
02:15It's the back case cover opener.
02:18Yeah.
02:19So, for a ladies...
02:20With a simple action, you can get the things closer together,
02:22or indeed, further apart.
02:25So, you can do a ladies' watch or a gentleman's watch.
02:27And you always say, you can measure the girth of your penis without it.
02:32Maybe you can, mate.
02:35You can measure the length of yours without it.
02:45How did we get there so quickly?
02:47I just don't understand the applause of recognition.
02:51From the audience.
02:54Yes.
02:54Do you actually know what you do?
02:56I'm not sure your watch is worth opening.
03:01Thank you, Sandy.
03:02I feel a bit victimised.
03:03Sorry, I'm sorry.
03:04I don't want people talking about my penis, but my watch.
03:09That's just a step so far.
03:10OK.
03:11Let's have a look at this one.
03:12You guys can have a look at that one, and see what you think of that.
03:15Well, it's gynecological, isn't it?
03:17We're opening something.
03:18It is opening something, but you may be at the wrong end.
03:21Is that for, when you do a heart transplant, keeping the chest open?
03:25So this thing here is also used in the same area.
03:29Oh, now, that's that you're talking.
03:31Is it mouthy?
03:32It is mouthy, darling.
03:33Yes, it's on the mouth side.
03:34Do you want to try that?
03:34So it's something to do with the mouth.
03:36So it's keeping the mouth open?
03:37Yeah.
03:38So if you see, Matt, the thing that it's got, it ratchets open, but you would...
03:42Is that right?
03:42That's right, that's it.
03:47So what is that for, turning the mouth into a letterbox or something?
03:52LAUGHTER
03:54They can edit that out.
03:58APPLAUSE
04:02You can't get it out, so you're sorry.
04:05It's a cheap retractor.
04:07That's exactly how it works.
04:08And so is that, no, that, so don't put that bit in your mouth, darling.
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12That's like a school teacher.
04:13Don't put that bit in your mouth, darling.
04:15Put the black bit into your mouth, so, so, yes, so the middle bit, you put that in.
04:20Well, how, my mouth isn't that big.
04:22Well, you've got to close it first, the thing.
04:25What, so put that in?
04:26No, put it around the other way, I think.
04:27I've been handling that.
04:28The other way?
04:29Er, no.
04:30No, no.
04:32I usually have someone who looks after me, and they help me out with things like this.
04:40I'm a little overwhelmed at this time.
04:42You were heading in the right direction.
04:43What, in there?
04:44Yes, put that in like that, and then open it up.
04:46Is that, yes, and it, it, yeah, that's exactly what is the patient's mouth open while they're
04:52having dental treatment.
04:53It's the stuff of dreams.
04:54Oh, yeah.
04:55What about this one?
04:56Anybody else thought about that is?
04:58So we're all, it's all about openings.
04:59If I was drunk, I'd say something that I, I won't say it now.
05:03No, go on, treat this up.
05:04Er, no, I can't possibly.
05:05Are you thinking about a butt plug?
05:07Yes.
05:09Hold on, what are you, you're trying to get into the butt?
05:13What is the dream, isn't it?
05:15We had a secret centre once, and I, and I bought, and I bought, and I bought, what is it
05:21called
05:22a backdoor beginner?
05:25It's quite a small one.
05:27Why do you want to plug your butt?
05:28Oh, well, well, basically.
05:30Yes.
05:33Isn't it to do with re-educating the muscle to tighten again?
05:37Ooh, re-educating your arse.
05:41Come on, Mum, I've got a lovely job, I'm in education.
05:45Can I have a look, can I have a look, can I have a look, can I have a look
05:47here?
05:47Is it anything to do with wine?
05:50No, but no, it isn't anything to do with wine, it was still in the human body.
05:52In fact, weirdly, we're in exactly the same place as we were before, with the mouth thing.
05:56In the mouth?
05:56And so what it is, it's an emergency mouth opener.
05:59So, say somebody had got locked jaw, or there was some reason why they couldn't open their
06:02mouth, it is an emergency way of opening the mouth.
06:06Can I advise that you use it as that before you use it as a butt player?
06:12You've got number four there?
06:14Yes.
06:14Okay, what do you think that might be?
06:17Be very careful, I do not want you to hurt yourself.
06:19I believe that it's used for injuring panel show contestants.
06:24It's upside down right now, there you go.
06:26It's upside down.
06:27Incredibly heavy.
06:28It's all the straps, it feels like it's something to do with a horse.
06:31It is exactly, it's something to do with a horse.
06:33Thank God.
06:33Yeah, it is an equine mouth opener.
06:36It is used by vets to hold the horse's mouth open.
06:38Sometimes their teeth need rasping because they get a sort of sharp point with their teeth
06:42and it hurts them with the bit, and so you need to open the mouth and just file it down.
06:46Dental work for horses.
06:48Yeah, see, it's quite a, it is quite a sharp.
06:54Let's try the next one.
06:56Any thoughts about that?
06:58It's a piercing for something, what shape is it going into?
07:01Ah, well that's to put a hole into your bottom if you don't already have one.
07:06Do you know, it looks like a chipolata torturing device, is what it looks like.
07:10Why would you want to torture a chipolata?
07:13If you're like a militant vegan or something.
07:15Yeah, yeah.
07:16This looks quite kitchen-y.
07:18It is kitchen-y.
07:19Is it for an egg?
07:20No, it isn't.
07:21It is an oyster, even an oyster shucker.
07:23So rather than inserting a knife where you can actually hurt yourself, you do it with one.
07:26The other thing to do is to go to a nice restaurant and somebody will do it for you, which
07:29I think is even easier.
07:31On the food front, I have one of these, which I, it seems slightly pointless.
07:36Is it an egg?
07:38It's an egg opener.
07:40Does anybody want to know?
07:41No, come on.
07:41Come on, I'll let it go.
07:42Where does it do this?
07:43Here we go.
07:44So you put it round the egg and squeeze it?
07:46Yeah.
07:47Well, I think you have to squeeze and then twist it off, like a sort of a beheading.
07:50Okay.
07:51Is this going to be a trick egg?
07:52No, darling, honestly, it's a trick egg.
07:54Give it a turn at the same time.
07:58Oh, that is good.
07:59It makes the egg look hideous.
08:01Yeah.
08:02I have to hold it so tight.
08:05I'm glad it was already...
08:06It's the easiest way to do it.
08:08What you need to do is you need to break both ends like that and then you roll it.
08:12Oh, hello.
08:12Like this and then the shell just comes off unbelievably quickly.
08:16See, like that.
08:17But you don't need...
08:19LAUGHTER
08:31They're very realistic looking, those prop eggs.
08:33It's a joke.
08:36Very clever.
08:37I don't think that egg was cooked recently, was it?
08:40LAUGHTER
08:43So, that closes openers.
08:46And now an odourless question.
08:48Where can you find the largest collection of things that don't smell?
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54Is it in the sea?
08:56Oh, right.
08:57Why do you think that?
08:58Because, I mean, there's salt.
08:59Yes.
09:01But salt doesn't have a very strong smell.
09:03No.
09:04And neither do fish, famously.
09:06No.
09:07LAUGHTER
09:08What I'm proposing...
09:09Yes, yes.
09:10..and I'm clever...
09:12..is that once you're under the water...
09:15Right.
09:16..you can't smell.
09:17Have you tried to smell under the water, anybody?
09:19LAUGHTER
09:20That doesn't mean it doesn't smell.
09:21Well, if a tree falls in the forest...
09:27..it doesn't smell...
09:28No.
09:29..then...
09:30..yeah.
09:31LAUGHTER
09:32We are in town where I was born?
09:35Copenhagen.
09:36Copenhagen.
09:36We're in wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen.
09:38What are the things that old statues might lose as they get transported about or over the years?
09:43What might they lose?
09:44Fingers.
09:44Private parts.
09:45OK, yes, I was going to, again, go higher, but you've just gone with that side of the thing.
09:50Noses.
09:50They lose their noses.
09:52And so there is the most glorious art museum in Copenhagen.
09:56It's called the New Carlsberg Glyptotech, and it contains a naso-tech.
10:00It is a collection of noses.
10:01In the 19th century, museums used to repair them.
10:03So there used to be a collection of noses used to repair statues.
10:06This was a thing that we don't do anymore.
10:08Because now we think we should leave the statue exactly as it is.
10:11Have we got any photos from the penis museum?
10:14Yes, is the truth of it.
10:16Lots of statues lost their penises.
10:18That is entirely true.
10:19But that was on purpose, wasn't it?
10:20Due to prudery.
10:21Yeah, absolutely.
10:22Yeah, so about 80% of the male nude statues in the Vatican Gardens are missing their members.
10:27Oh, no, because I just thought I was average.
10:31Are you saying they've been taken off?
10:32They've been taken off.
10:33They say there's a secret room in the Vatican that has all of them in it.
10:38Sadly, I've listened to your explanation, and I'm still going with under the sea.
10:44Well, that's fine, darling.
10:45You're just not going to win.
10:46So, um...
10:49But bizarrely, the Copenhagen Naso-tech is not the only false nose collection in Scandinavia.
10:53There's a nose academy at Lund in Sweden, where you can find, supposedly, a plaster cast of the great botanist
10:59there, Karl Linnaeus,
11:00and the cast of the legendary silver nose of the Danish astronomer Tycho Brachy.
11:05There's also an unknown nose, which is a monument to the nose of the common man who didn't qualify for
11:12nasal immortality.
11:14Nobody knows exactly.
11:17If your statue has no nose, it might be found in a museum in Copenhagen.
11:20So, here's a collection of odd-sounding O-words, and I'd like you to pick one and use it in
11:25a sentence, please.
11:27A cum spliff?
11:27What the f...
11:28LAUGHTER
11:31LAUGHTER
11:33LAUGHTER
11:33Oh, yeah, a cum spliff!
11:36LAUGHTER
11:37LAUGHTER
11:39He doesn't take long, he doesn't take long at all.
11:42Oh, I'm a chop, sir, a cum spliff!
11:44Are you doing...are you doing...a cum spliff?
11:46Is that you or one?
11:48A cum spliff.
11:50Oh, yeah, a cum spliff!
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54It's a Dutchman having a joint in a...in a brothel.
11:59LAUGHTER
11:59I...
12:00LAUGHTER
12:01Does it give you...
12:02Can I...I don't want it, I don't want it.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:06LAUGHTER
12:06Get it away from me, man.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:09You'd be no fan in a brothel, would you?
12:11LAUGHTER
12:12Oh, look at Rome, he doesn't want the cum spliff.
12:14What a prude!
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17LAUGHTER
12:17Would you come spliff means all fine and dandy.
12:19Yeah, I bet it does.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:22The earliest use found in Pidgey Woodhouse.
12:25I've got one.
12:25Yeah, go on, then, Matt.
12:27Tottenham had their best season for years.
12:29They came first in the league...oh, no, second.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:32Oh, very good.
12:33OK, second.
12:35So, sort of right, actually, cos in computing...
12:37Well, it is right.
12:37They didn't win anything at all.
12:39No, in...
12:39LAUGHTER
12:40They won nothing for years.
12:42They're rubbish.
12:43LAUGHTER
12:43But actually, your definition for it is not too far off,
12:45cos in computing, what it is,
12:46it's the moment you realise you made a mistake.
12:49So, it is a computing go...oh, no, second.
12:52Oh, right, OK.
12:53I don't think yours was too far off.
12:54Come on, Lisa, let's have one from you.
12:55I'm...I'm drawn to obsolanum.
12:58OK, it's...it's not a good word.
13:00It's waning sexual desire due to age.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:05I was drawn to it.
13:07LAUGHTER
13:08It's surrounded by it at the moment.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:11It's a hell of a sandwich.
13:13When I change my little boy's nappy,
13:15it's full of otty-mottie and oozle.
13:17Absolutely.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:18So, otty-mottie, Lancastrian slang for being perplexed.
13:22And oozle, it's Australian slang to move slowly.
13:26Can I oozle along with the barbie?
13:27This guy's...this guy's oozling a little bit.
13:29Pop and chops.
13:31Lancastrian slang for a gossip.
13:33Octo-de-sex-centenary.
13:35OK, that is probably the strangest, I think.
13:36It's the 100th anniversary of when your octopus's penis fell off.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41This is...this is a really specific thing.
13:43It's something that lasts 592 years.
13:46It arose in connection with a particular calendar,
13:49the lunar-solar calendar devised by a 17th-century mathematician
13:51called Thomas Lydiet.
13:53And he thought of the word?
13:54And he thought of the word.
13:55It's a very specific word for 592.
13:58I'd have loved him.
13:59Not with your waning sexual desire.
14:02LAUGHTER
14:02Now!
14:04Brace!
14:04Brace!
14:05Brace!
14:06Oh!
14:14I don't...I don't think that's funny.
14:17LAUGHTER
14:18I don't think that's funny.
14:19That hit me on the nose.
14:21That is awful.
14:21But we know when we get another one.
14:22Fortunately, we can get oxygen for you and a new nose.
14:25You're absolutely right, Lisa.
14:26I'll take you to Copenhagen.
14:27We'll sort your nose out.
14:28So, my question is...
14:30What's in the canister on the other end of the pipe that you've got?
14:34Oxygen.
14:36Oh...
14:37He said it.
14:38He said it.
14:40He said it.
14:41He said it.
14:42He said it.
14:42He said it.
14:42100% he said it.
14:43Quite like hearing all of you because you're quite a long way away.
14:45I've never seen you look better, Matt.
14:47That's a really good look for you.
14:49I don't really like that.
14:50Thank you very much.
14:50It is not oxygen.
14:52Not oxygen?
14:53No.
14:53It's a mix of chemicals that make oxygen.
14:56It's something called an oxygen candle.
14:58It's a very fine white powder and a spark is generated and it sets off a chemical reaction
15:03which releases oxygen.
15:05But these canisters, they're oxides and they basically take up a whole lot less room than
15:09a whole tank of oxygen.
15:11I think you both look absolutely fantastic.
15:15Typically, an oxygen candle will last 20 minutes but it's enough time for the plane to
15:19get down to where you can breathe the air.
15:21But in the early years of commercial flight, so before the pressurised cabin was invented,
15:25airline passengers sometimes did have to wear oxygen masks during the actual flight.
15:28That is a great image if you're a nervous flyer, isn't it?
15:32Sort of transferring people to the Hannibal Lecter auditions, aren't they?
15:37Flighter pilots are really the mixture of oxygen and air depending on the altitude.
15:41Sometimes they're really high.
15:42It's 100% oxygen is supplied and then in order to let that happen, the pilot actually has
15:46to relax their diaphragm to allow the oxygen to enter and then they have to forcibly expel
15:50the air and that means they can only talk while they're breathing in.
15:53And they have so much witty banter to get on with with the other pilots, don't they?
15:58Yeah, saying I'm on his back and I've got your arse.
16:01Yeah, 12 o'clock.
16:02I know, all of that.
16:03Does it happen automatically for them?
16:05They don't have to think about it.
16:06They have to be trained in order to make the diaphragm work properly.
16:09Do they wear nappies?
16:10Is that true?
16:12Well, they're called mags, moisture absorption garments.
16:15The nappies that are worn by aircraft pilots and by space, er, space, space people.
16:20Astronauts they're called.
16:23Space people.
16:24Space people.
16:25That's in America.
16:27We, over here, we call them huggies.
16:30Right, let's give a really hard pull on the pipe and it will get rid of it.
16:34There we go.
16:34Wonderful.
16:35Now, from planes to trains, on which train did the murder on the Orient Express take place?
16:41The Orient Express.
16:44You're a good sport.
16:46You're a very good sport.
16:46Thank you so much.
16:47Well, sometimes, you know, they go, yes, that's correct.
16:49Yes, that is correct.
16:50But never when I say it.
16:52No.
16:52The murder took place on an Orient Express, but not the one that you are thinking of.
16:58Well, no, we're thinking of the one that the murder took place.
17:02Oh, sorry.
17:04I didn't know you lived inside my brain.
17:07Well, there were several train services in the 1930s which included the words Orient Express
17:11and the name.
17:12Yes, and those are the ones we were thinking of.
17:16Well, what is the full name of the one where the murder took place then?
17:18We were thinking of the one where it took place.
17:21We don't have to say the name of it.
17:24We just, all of us, demand the point.
17:29Sorry.
17:30There were lots of different Orient Expresses.
17:32Agatha Christie's took place on the Simplon.
17:34Simplon Orient Express, yes.
17:37Yes.
17:38Named after?
17:40Mr Simplon.
17:41Peter Express.
17:42I don't know.
17:45I thought you said Pizza Express.
17:47No, Peter Express, the inventor of the train.
17:52The Simplon Orient Express, named after the Alpine Tunnel.
17:54And that linked Calais and Paris and Istanbul every day.
17:57There is a different train service, commonly known as THE Orient Express,
18:00and that only carried Paris-Istanbul cars three times a week.
18:04I didn't even know that one existed.
18:06Have you been on it?
18:07No.
18:07Oh, it's a marvelous experience.
18:09It's absolutely fantastic.
18:10Is it?
18:10Yeah, it really is worth it.
18:11It's eye-wateringly expensive.
18:13But you get a butler of your own, and I took my mother for her birthday,
18:16and the butler came along and he said,
18:17Good evening, madam, my name is Tybalt.
18:19And you just think, wow, the guy from Romeo and Juliet is going to service me.
18:26Was there Wi-Fi or 3G on the Orient Express?
18:30Because that, for me, is generally the...
18:33No.
18:33That's what they meant, there's no Wi-Fi.
18:35It is murder on the Orient Express.
18:38As you go to bed, there's a little tiny hook by your bed,
18:41and I said to Tybalt,
18:42What is the hook for?
18:43He said, that's for your pocket watch, madam.
18:46A watch hook?
18:47A watch hook.
18:48But there was an actual murder on the Orient Express.
18:50Was there?
18:51Yes, the actual Orient Express, not the Simplon one.
18:54So in 1935, a year after Agatha Christie's novel was published,
18:57there was a very wealthy Romanian woman,
18:59and she was robbed by a man she was sharing a compartment with,
19:02and she was pushed through a window.
19:04And I love this, because it is very Agatha Christie.
19:05The killer was traced thanks to a silver fox scarf
19:08that he had stolen from her.
19:10In 1920, a man staggered into a signal box,
19:13dressed only in his nightshirt,
19:15and he claimed he was the French president,
19:17Paul Deschanel,
19:18and that he had accidentally fallen from the train.
19:21And of course they thought he was bonkers,
19:23so the signalman replied,
19:24and I'm Napoleon Bonaparte.
19:26Anyway, it turned out he really was the president of France.
19:29In those days, the train sleeping compartments,
19:30they had sash windows,
19:31and he had taken some sleeping pills,
19:33and he had accidentally fallen out of the window.
19:35Do you know the irony is,
19:37if they had Wi-Fi,
19:37could have just Googled him?
19:38Yeah.
19:38And he would have sort of that struggle.
19:40See?
19:41Yeah.
19:41Think about that.
19:42But he was wonderfully eccentric.
19:44He once received the British ambassador to France,
19:47completely naked,
19:48except for his ceremonial decorations,
19:50which I think is splendid.
19:51He was eventually institutionalized
19:53in a place for the mentally infirm,
19:55and still,
19:56and this is a measure of how relaxed the French are,
19:58re-elected to the Senate.
20:00LAUGHTER
20:03APPLAUSE
20:06The Orange Express was developed
20:07by a Belgian businessman called George Nagelmackers.
20:11LAUGHTER
20:12Made his very first trip in 1883.
20:14The first menu on board,
20:16oysters, soup with Italian pasta,
20:18turbot with green sauce,
20:19chicken à la chasse-sœur,
20:20fillet of beef with chateau potatoes,
20:22chauffeur of game animals,
20:24lettuce, chocolate pudding,
20:25and a buffet of desserts.
20:26And when I was on board for breakfast,
20:28we had lobster Thermidor
20:29and they laid all the cutlery out
20:30and there was a little sort of
20:31strange flattened spoon.
20:33And I said, what's that for?
20:34That is your lobster gravy spoon, madam.
20:37Isn't it wonderful?
20:38It's completely flat.
20:40Why is it flat?
20:40It's so that you can scoop
20:40all the lobster gravy towards you.
20:42Piece of bread would do that, wouldn't it?
20:44Yeah.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:46You're absolutely right.
20:47I didn't rush out to buy one.
20:49LAUGHTER
20:50I imagine a lobster with a couple of spoons.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:53Where's my breakfast?
20:57It's the odd thing that I know about lobsters.
20:59Did you know that lobsters
21:00are left and right clawed
21:01in the same percentage
21:02as human beings are left and right handed?
21:04Yeah.
21:05Stretch?
21:05Yeah, sorry.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:08The murder on the Orient Express
21:09took place on an Orient Express
21:11but not the Orient Express.
21:14So, still on Agatha Christie,
21:15naturally, my next question is
21:17who done it?
21:18The killer.
21:20The killer done it?
21:21Yes.
21:21That's...
21:21That's a given, I think.
21:23The murderer.
21:24Is there any in the audience?
21:25The butler.
21:26The butler!
21:28Yes!
21:30So, here's a spoiler alert.
21:31The butler did not do it
21:32in any of Agatha Christie's books.
21:35So, the three-act tragedy,
21:36the murderer appears to be the butler,
21:38but it's actually somebody pretending to be a butler.
21:41And then there were none.
21:43Rogers the butler and his wife...
21:44Hang on a minute,
21:45you're gonna give them all away and...
21:46No, sorry about that.
21:48Murder on the Orient Express,
21:49a valet,
21:50is one of the twelve people
21:51who murder Samuel Bratchett,
21:53but a valet is not a butler.
21:55What's the difference between a valet and a butler?
21:56A valet parks your car.
22:00Yes.
22:00A gentleman's maid.
22:02He's a gentleman,
22:03sort of a gentleman's maid.
22:04So, he looks after the guy's appearance
22:06and everything's okay.
22:07A PA?
22:07Yeah, and a butler is the chief male servant
22:09in a household,
22:10so he's in charge of the other employees
22:11and receiving guests
22:12and all that kind of thing.
22:14The butlers are in demand again.
22:15Did you know this?
22:16There's a huge demand for butlers,
22:18especially in places like China
22:19and in Russia.
22:20It's known as the Downton Abbey Effect.
22:23Everybody wants their own Mr. Carson.
22:25It takes ten weeks to train to be a butler
22:27at the international...
22:28No, it takes a lifetime.
22:29Yeah.
22:30Ten minutes what?
22:31What task are they performing there?
22:33That's insane.
22:34Just put the glass on the tray, mate.
22:36Common sense, gentlemen.
22:38That's Britain's Got Talent backstage.
22:40Yeah.
22:40This is just to make it look
22:41that they do something, isn't it?
22:43Someone's shouting,
22:44Where is the glass?
22:45Where is the glass?
22:46I don't know!
22:47I don't know where the glass is!
22:50It is a very old job.
22:51The word actually comes from
22:52the medieval Latin for a cask,
22:54so that's why a beer cellar
22:56in medieval times was known as the buttery.
22:57People sometimes think
22:58there's a place where you made food,
23:00but it wasn't at all.
23:00It was the place where the wooden casks were.
23:03They were in charge of all the bottles.
23:04Anyway.
23:05When it comes to Christie,
23:07the butler never did done it.
23:09Here's a list of organs.
23:10You all own one of them,
23:11but which is it?
23:14Well, I would have thought
23:15a sperm stomach...
23:17Yes.
23:17...would have been for a whale.
23:19Oh, okay.
23:20It is for an animal.
23:22It is, strictly speaking,
23:23called a bersacopulatrix.
23:25It's not for a whale.
23:26Where might you find such a thing?
23:28It's a tiny, tiny, tiny little, tiny...
23:30So it's a bird?
23:31No.
23:32That's not what I'm doing.
23:34No, but it is...
23:35But no, in fairness,
23:36it is clearly an animal that flies.
23:38A butterfly.
23:38No, he got it.
23:39Butterfly.
23:40Butterfly.
23:40It's a butterfly.
23:42How else could it be?
23:43Seriously, it was a butterfly.
23:44It's a...
23:45I thought it was a bunny waving.
23:47It's there.
23:48No, that's that.
23:49That's a bunny waving.
23:50Oh, yeah.
23:50This is clearly a butterfly.
23:51No, but that's a bunny waving with its ears.
23:54I was using the paws.
23:57You know, sometimes I feel unwell on this program.
23:59I know.
24:01Well, you're the ones that invented bunnies
24:03that wave with their ears.
24:04You're right.
24:04I wasn't thinking it through.
24:05That's a ridiculous thought.
24:07It's clearly...
24:08But that's that, isn't it?
24:09And this is the...
24:09I don't believe I'm doing this.
24:13It's the reproductive system for the butterfly
24:15and it digests nutrients from the male's sperm package.
24:19I thought that was the name of the butterfly.
24:24All female butterflies will have a sperm stomach.
24:27Right.
24:27And they get nutrients out of the male's sperm...
24:29I'm going to say package.
24:32But the bit at the bottom that says Bursa copulatrix,
24:34that's actually the sperm stomach.
24:36All right, let's try some more.
24:37Let's see.
24:37So we're looking for the organ that we have.
24:39We do not have a sperm stomach.
24:41Have you got a smart vagina?
24:43It's terribly tidy.
24:48I have a woman in twice a week.
25:00No, I do not.
25:01But some animals do.
25:03For every zebra, for example.
25:05And they can coordinate the muscular contractions
25:07in order to flush out semen
25:09if a male fails to live up to expectations.
25:13And here's the depressing thing for the boy.
25:16The sperm dumping can happen
25:18even before the underperforming male has dismounted.
25:23She just goes,
25:23not having it.
25:26So genetically, she knows that this guy
25:29isn't the best she could do.
25:30That's exactly right.
25:31So regarding babies and stuff.
25:33Yeah, he's not the best gene pool.
25:34So better to do that than shake him off.
25:37You don't want to cause trouble, do you?
25:38You don't want to make a scene.
25:39You might then put off the other zebras and think,
25:41well, she looks tricky.
25:42Yeah.
25:43She's just throwing him over a fence.
25:44Yeah.
25:44I'll tell you what, mate.
25:45I wouldn't bother with her.
25:46She's got one of them new fangled smart vaginas.
25:52So that's probably got Wi-Fi too, hasn't it?
25:58And are the zebras, sperms, stripey?
26:05Yes.
26:07They're like little humbugs.
26:09Yeah.
26:09Just...
26:10So we're still looking for the thing that we have.
26:12We don't have a sperm stomach.
26:14We don't have a smart vagina.
26:15What might we have?
26:17One of those.
26:17Have we got a mesentery?
26:18A mesentery?
26:19We absolutely do.
26:21That is the very thing that we were looking for.
26:23We do have a mesentery.
26:25And it basically is a fairly recent thing.
26:27It connects the intestine to the stomach.
26:29And we did not know that it was actually an organ in its own right.
26:32So there's a chap called Professor J. Calvin Coffey from the University of Limerick.
26:36And he says, without it, you can't live.
26:39There are no reported incidents of a homo sapiens living without a mesentery.
26:44And nobody entirely knows what it does.
26:47We've established anatomy and structure.
26:50And the next step is function.
26:52Intriguingly, one of the earliest descriptions of this structure was by Leonardo da Vinci.
26:56So we've been aware of its existence for an incredibly long time.
27:00Let's have a quick look at the other ones.
27:02Paddywhack, anybody?
27:03Well, it makes me think of a dog chew.
27:05That is exactly right.
27:06Give the dog a bone, right?
27:07Yeah.
27:08Yeah.
27:08So dried paddywhack is sometimes sold as a dog treat.
27:11Which is where we get the saying from.
27:13Is it something from a pig then?
27:14It's the load-bearing ligament in the neck of sheep or cattle.
27:18It connects the head to the spine.
27:20And the other two that we didn't have a look at, the schnauzer organ, found on an elephant-nose fish.
27:26And it looks like a nose.
27:27It is actually an extended chin covered in sensors that can detect electric fields.
27:32And the organ is so sensitive that the fish can tell the difference between living and dead bugs buried under
27:38the sea floor.
27:38And the other one, mental glands.
27:40It's a pheromone delivery system found in the male salamander's chin.
27:44As part of the courtship, the male sprays his scent right into the female's nostrils.
27:50And then he deposits a pack of sperm on the ground.
27:52And if the female detects his scent with her mental glands and she wants to mate, then she'll pick it
27:58up.
27:58So she picks it up.
28:00That's like a sort of Edwardian courtship.
28:03Yes.
28:03Yes.
28:04Madam, my sperm.
28:06Yeah.
28:07Did she then put it in her own vagina?
28:09I think she sorts herself out at that point.
28:12I think it's like a...
28:15With a lobster spoon.
28:17Yes.
28:17She uses a lobster gravy spoon.
28:23Do you want any help with that?
28:25Because I've got a couple of these spoons.
28:28You could hear them talk if they would come out of the sea, but they stay down there.
28:32They stay down there because it's not smelly.
28:34Is that right, Matt?
28:36I don't know where you heard that from.
28:38That's...
28:39Can anybody define an organ?
28:43Body part that has a function?
28:46That's...
28:46You know what?
28:47That's sort of it.
28:48The Governing Body for Anatomy, the Federative International Programme for Anatomical Terminology,
28:53does not define an organ.
28:55The best definition that we currently have is from a science historian at the University of Wisconsin,
29:00Madison, Tom Broman, who said,
29:01Any solid thing in the body that does something.
29:06Now, what animals begin with O and are rescued more often by the fire brigade,
29:11than cats.
29:13Yes, Matt.
29:14Um, is it ostriches?
29:16Because they keep burying their...
29:18Burying their heads...
29:20Burying their heads in the sand.
29:22So, two things are wrong with that.
29:24Right.
29:24One is they don't bury their heads in the sand.
29:26Well, that is...
29:26I...
29:27I...
29:27I...
29:28I am not wrong.
29:29No.
29:31Yes.
29:32I think it is an opossum.
29:34Oh!
29:37No.
29:37He said owls.
29:40Owls.
29:40Did we have owls?
29:43Is it...
29:44Is it...
29:45Is it...
29:46Is it ocelot?
29:47No.
29:49Is it the, er...
29:50Is it...
29:51Let's try this one on.
29:52Yeah.
29:52Is it the four-legged onion?
29:54Aha!
29:55You didn't get it, did you?
29:57Aha!
29:58No, but it is not the four-legged onion.
30:00It's a human animal.
30:01It's an obese person.
30:02Ah!
30:02They've now rescued.
30:04They're...
30:05They're...
30:05They're still...
30:06They're...
30:06They're still...
30:06They are still people!
30:09Once they get to a certain weight, they're no longer human as far as we're concerned.
30:13They're all part of the animal kingdom.
30:15And it is obese people.
30:16There were more than 900 such cases from January to September in 2016.
30:21Up from around 30 cases ten years ago.
30:23Well done for getting up the trees, though.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:28No, it's...
30:29It's people not being able to leave their home.
30:31Yeah.
30:31Yeah.
30:32I just saw there was loads of apples!
30:35LAUGHTER
30:37Where did you get up here?
30:39LAUGHTER
30:41Trampoline!
30:42It was a trampoline!
30:43LAUGHTER
30:44And they moved in there!
30:46That looks like a miracle, but it was a trampolining incident!
30:50Er...
30:50A man of Porth Gawley weighed 38 stone and they were trying to get him out of the third floor.
30:55And a sea-king helicopter was scrambled from RAF Chibner in Devon so he could be winched from a skylight.
31:01I think the most famous possibly, an American man called Walter Hudson.
31:04He was rescued by the American Fire Department in 1987 after he got wedged in his bathroom door.
31:10It is estimated that he weighed 1,400 pounds.
31:14But it's only an estimate because the industrial scale that he was being weighed on broke after 1,000 pounds.
31:19So we don't know exactly...
31:21I mean, that's a hundred stone.
31:23Yes.
31:241,400 pounds.
31:25Oh, yeah, that's a hundred stone, yeah.
31:27That's a hundred stone.
31:27Yeah.
31:28That's like a hundred stone.
31:31LAUGHTER
31:32He held the Guinness World Record for the world's largest waist.
31:35If you hold that end, er, and you hold that, that would have been the size of his belt.
31:40I've got a description of his average daily diet.
31:43Two boxes of sausages, a pound of bacon, twelve eggs, a loaf of bread, four hamburgers, four double cheeseburgers, five
31:48large portions of fries, three ham steaks or two chickens, four baked potatoes, four sweet potatoes, most of a large
31:54cake and additional snacks.
31:57And an average of six and a half litres of soda every single day.
32:01Well, at least he didn't finish the cake.
32:03LAUGHTER
32:05Good to look on the bright side.
32:07What do we think is the fattest animal in the world?
32:09Oh.
32:09Why did you look at me when you asked that question?
32:12LAUGHTER
32:12Are you talking about body fat percentage or actually amount of fat?
32:16Yeah, body fat percentage.
32:17Oh, well, that could be a tortoise because they hibernate, that's it.
32:21Yeah, but they don't hibernate, turns out.
32:23No.
32:23So for years people were putting them in boxes and putting them in the cupboard under the stairs and they
32:28were just in solitary confinement.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:32No, it's called an army cut worm moth and they can achieve 72% body fat.
32:40It makes them the fattest animals on earth and they live in Yellowstone National Park, so it's not always cold
32:45there, but they do get themselves ready for the winter and store up the body fat and then the bears
32:49eat them.
32:50What, the bears eat them while they're hibernating?
32:53They gorge on them just before winter sets in, so one bear can eat up to 40,000 moths in
32:57a day.
32:58So each moth is about an inch or two inches long and each one is about half a calorie.
33:02That'd be a much more sinister John Lewis Christmas ad, wouldn't it?
33:05Just a bear feasting on tubby moths.
33:09Thousands of them.
33:11They eat loads and lots of nectar from wild flowers.
33:13They're known as miller moths, that's their nickname, because the fine scales in its wings, it rubs off easily.
33:18It reminds people of the dusty flower covering on a miller.
33:21But you can see them in Yellowstone National Park.
33:24Yes, boo-boo.
33:25Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo!
33:27Yay, boo-boo!
33:29I always thought Yogi and Boo-boo were a right pair of pricks, like...
33:34They're supposed to be the heroes, they're just little thieves, just going around robbing and then we're supposed to support
33:39them.
33:39You're out of order.
33:40I do thieves.
33:41There's a lot of American humours about that.
33:43Shucksters and shysters and idle thieves.
33:45They all like it.
33:46They kind of revere that person who doesn't get a proper job but gets by for that.
33:50Yeah, they didn't love a criminal.
33:51They voted one in, didn't they?
33:52Yes!
33:55Yay!
33:57Yay!
33:58Yay!
34:00Yay!
34:00I'm a political satirist now.
34:07I'm going to just stay here until it's news night.
34:12And where did we get to?
34:14Uh, picnic baskets.
34:16Um...
34:16Piccanic basket?
34:19FACE!
34:21In the first episode, someone couldn't just go and shop them.
34:26Boo-boo, it's getting dark.
34:29I'm losing blood, Boo-boo.
34:32Go on and sleep!
34:34Go on and sleep!
34:35I don't think I'm going to make it, Boo-boo.
34:38I'm going to see a great big picnic basket in the sky, Boo-boo.
34:47Wow.
34:48Next week, funeral.
34:51I wish you two were in charge of Children's BBC.
34:55Now we crash through the floorboards and land in the mess of plaster and insulation
34:58that is general ignorance.
34:59Fingers on buzzers, please.
35:01Where are your fattest fat cells?
35:04Well, I suppose you want us to say on your stomach.
35:08Yes, then you'd be right.
35:10Yes!
35:16So, you're absolutely right.
35:18As people get obese, what happens is the fat cells in our midriff,
35:21they don't proliferate, they just get fatter.
35:25So the fat cells in our thighs can multiply,
35:28but the ones that we have run our midriff, they just get fatter.
35:31Now, you don't really want to have belly fat because what we now know about it is
35:34it's actually biologically active belly fat.
35:36It is releasing hormones into your system
35:38and that could increase your risk of heart disease and so on.
35:41So you don't want to get more of them because they're incredibly bad for you.
35:45So they did a study at the NHS.
35:4791% of mothers and 80% of fathers of overweight children mistakenly think that their children are a healthy
35:52weight.
35:52Well, I'm the exception because all my mum does is say,
35:55well, you need to shift some of that.
35:58She says it to me a lot and then she just keeps trying to make me eat more food.
36:03Is she a feeder?
36:04Yeah, she puts the food down and she goes,
36:05right, there's more chicken, I've got more peas, I've got more potatoes, I've got more...
36:09She's just like that even before I've had the first lot
36:11and then at the end she goes, hmm, what are we going to do about that?
36:14I say, well, I won't come here again.
36:17No.
36:18My mum did exactly...
36:19She used to give me so much food when I was, like, going to school.
36:22Like, she'd give me, like, jam sandwiches.
36:24Not for lunch, for break time, right?
36:26Right.
36:26And the school became concerned and phoned my mum and said,
36:31look, I was a bit worried about it.
36:33And you know what she did?
36:34She told me to hide when I was eating my jam sandwiches.
36:40That's good parenting.
36:42That is really very good parenting.
36:44From the fattest to the flattest, what's the most featureless place on Earth?
36:51Oh, well...
36:51So, where were you when you talked about things that don't smell?
36:54Where did you go when you...
36:56Under the sea.
36:57So, that is where we're going to go.
36:58We're going to go under the sea.
37:00It is something called the Abyssal Plains.
37:03And it's undersea areas of sediment and their slopes can be really shallow.
37:07I mean, unbelievably shallow, like one foot and a thousand.
37:08And what happens is the sediments wash off the land.
37:10And over time, they spread out to form a smooth and level surface.
37:15And it's home to the world's deepest fish that you get right down at the bottom.
37:18Oh, those are really free...oh, yeah.
37:20Oh, yeah.
37:21Oh, yeah.
37:21Now you're talking.
37:22Oh, mate.
37:23I mean, these are anglerfish you can see there.
37:26I think they are astonishing.
37:26Oh, that one in the middle, just looking through your window.
37:30And they're really deep, so you can really, like, talk to them about, like, real issues.
37:35The deepest fish ever seen was in the Mariana Trench, which is, of course, the deepest part of the ocean.
37:40There are some pictures of them, but nobody's ever been able to catch one, because it is so deep down.
37:44We think it looks a bit like a snailfish, but the people who have actually seen them say it is
37:49really weird-looking.
37:50There's a team that found it at the University of Aberdeen, and Alan Jameson said it's unbelievably fragile,
37:55and when it swims, it looks like it has wet tissue paper floating behind it.
37:59It has a weird snout, like a sort of cartoon dog snout.
38:01So it might look a bit like that.
38:03Do you reckon it went that deep because the other fish were bullying it?
38:06Yeah.
38:07You've got tissue paper hanging out your arse, mate.
38:10Have a quick look at this, which is my favourite fact about the Pacific.
38:15So I've got my glaib here, so you can see how large the Pacific is,
38:18covers this enormous area.
38:20There is a point in the Pacific where if you drilled down through the centre of the earth,
38:25so that is off the coast of Vietnam near Hai Phong,
38:27and you came back out exactly on the other side,
38:30you would still arrive in the Pacific.
38:32You'd be off the coast of South America at the Chile-Peru border.
38:35That just gives you some idea.
38:36That is exactly halfway right through the whole planet that the Pacific is that deep.
38:41Oh, I love it.
38:41I love it when the facts pointed out to you,
38:43and you don't have to have this whole mass of stuff.
38:46Yes, but this is rather fine, isn't it?
38:48I don't think it is.
38:49I think you're going to get very little for that on eBay,
38:51because you've completely ruined it.
38:53The most featureless place on earth is Underwater.
38:56Who invented this, and what does it say?
39:06I'm going to have to say Morse, aren't I?
39:08You are going to have to say Morse, aren't I?
39:12It's probably the most famous Morse code signal ever.
39:15SOS? Is it three dots and three dashes?
39:18No, it's CQD that is being sent.
39:20It's the Marconi distress message that was sent from the Titanic.
39:24People now say it means come quick drowning,
39:26but that's what you call a backronym.
39:27In fact, CQ was for the French Securité,
39:30and then Marconi added the D for distress,
39:32so we have a distressing security issue.
39:35But the issue about Morse code is that it isn't really a code,
39:39and that Morse didn't really invent it.
39:42It involved transmitting numbers Morse code,
39:44which you then looked up in a special dictionary
39:46to see what word they represented,
39:47and it was Morse's colleague, this man here, Alfred Vale,
39:50who came up with the idea of using letters
39:52and assigning dots and dashes to each one.
39:54So probably Morse code should be called Vale's code,
39:56but actually it should be Vale's cipher.
39:59So we had a letter from a QI viewer, Phil Boyd,
40:02and he pointed out that a code replaces whole words with symbols,
40:05and a cipher replaces individual letters.
40:08So strictly speaking, Morse code ought to be called Vale's cipher.
40:12What I like about Morse code, it has been used for naughtiness.
40:15In January 1945, the people of Halifax, Nova Scotia,
40:18complained to police that people were using their car horns
40:21to communicate vile and filthy language in Morse code.
40:26And there was a report in the Ottawa Journal saying
40:29that police are brushing up on their Morse code
40:30in preparation for a campaign against these swearing motorists.
40:34So Morse code should really be Vale's cipher.
40:39How many moons did the Earth have?
40:49So we've covered how many moons Earth has many times on QI.
40:52We're looking at the past here.
40:54Ten.
41:00None.
41:05There is new research which suggests that our current moon
41:09is the result of about 20 separate moons
41:11that have coalesced into one over millions of years.
41:14So since the moon and the Earth are made of rather similar materials,
41:17it is thought that the moon formed when an object hits the Earth
41:20and it's sent debris up into space.
41:22And they've run thousands of simulations
41:24and they concluded there were lots of moons, at least 20,
41:28each one formed from a different collision.
41:30So it is possible that we originally had 20 moons.
41:33So where have all the moons gone then?
41:35They've coalesced into one.
41:36Oh, they're all one big moon?
41:37They've been drawn together.
41:39Yeah.
41:39The Earth had 20 moons but now has only approximately one.
41:44All of which shines a silvery light onto the darkness
41:46which is the scores.
41:48Oh, this is tragic.
41:51In last place, with minus 52, Alan.
41:55Thank you so much.
41:58Also a quite phenomenal minus 36, Liza.
42:02Yay!
42:02Yay!
42:05And minus 29, Ramesh!
42:12You've done it, Matt.
42:13You've done it.
42:13With a magnificent minus 7, you are the winner!
42:23So, Matt takes home our objectionable object of the week
42:26and it's this weird device for holding a horse's mouth open
42:30while you fix its teeth.
42:31There you are, Matt.
42:31That's beautiful.
42:32Wow, it's heavy.
42:37It only remains for me to thank Liza, Matt, Ramesh and Alan.
42:41And I leave you with this from Randy Scandi,
42:43Norwegian Nobel Prize winner Knut Hampson.
42:47When returning from his first trip to Paris,
42:49a friend asked,
42:49at the beginning,
42:50didn't you have trouble with your French?
42:52No, replied Hampson.
42:53But the French did.
42:54Merci bien et bon voyage!
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