- 1 day ago
First broadcast 21st October 2016.
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Cariad Lloyd
Romesh Ranganathan
Sandi Toksvig
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Cariad Lloyd
Romesh Ranganathan
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to QI, where this week the name of the game is naming names.
00:07There's an old Chinese proverb that says the beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right name.
00:12So let's get off on the right foot by naming my guests.
00:15A household name, Romesh Ranganathan.
00:23Hey, Rose by any other name, Cariad Lloyd.
00:32A name to conjure with, Phil Jupiters.
00:41And old what's-his-name, Alan Davis.
00:50So this week their buzzers are their porn names, okay?
00:54So that's, if you've not played that game, it's the first pet's name and mother's maiden name.
01:00So Phil goes...
01:04Hi, it's Schroeder Swan.
01:11That's quite sexy, Dan.
01:12I don't know how much you paid that bloke.
01:14I'd have done that for nothing.
01:16And more convincingly, that sounded like you found an asthmatic tramp on the south coast.
01:21What was the name?
01:23Schroeder Swan.
01:24Oh, yes, that's very good.
01:26Schroeder, Schroeder was a spiteful pub dog.
01:29Right.
01:30Used to attack Jock, our barman.
01:33You had your own barman?
01:34I don't want to know it.
01:35We haven't started the show yet.
01:37Cariad goes...
01:38Hello, I'm Snuffy.
01:42Snuffy Story.
01:47And...
01:48You can now access my bank account.
01:53This is a very specific kind of porn.
01:57And rummage goes...
02:01Oh, hello, it's Goldie, it's over Ajit.
02:05LAUGHTER
02:10Why have you been given that one?
02:12It's quite kelp.
02:12It's quite kelp.
02:14And Alan goes...
02:17Hey, up, it's Nobby Stiles.
02:21LAUGHTER
02:28Nobby Stiles is a very good porn name.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:32LAUGHTER
02:33It's very farming-specific, isn't it?
02:37LAUGHTER
02:37Not very good with me hands, but...
02:40LAUGHTER
02:41LAUGHTER
02:42Now, here is my first very simple question.
02:46Who is offended by what?
02:49Oh, God, everybody by everything.
02:51Yes, well, there is that.
02:53Anybody who reads a tweet and doesn't understand it immediately
02:57is offended by it.
02:59Yeah.
02:59Do you tweet?
03:00I do tweet, yeah, I do.
03:02But I'm often scared to tweet about anything that's, you know,
03:06controversial.
03:06So what do you do?
03:07Just the colour beige or just...
03:09LAUGHTER
03:10Just like emojis and, like, GIFs of Japanese girls
03:14cutting hairs with crab hands.
03:15That's, that's...
03:17LAUGHTER
03:17The problem with Twitter is, even if you choose something,
03:21like, that you think is really innocent and can't be offensive,
03:24it can be.
03:25You know, you tweet about porridge and then somebody goes,
03:27Well, actually, I had a porridge-related incident many years ago
03:31and actually I find it highly offensive and I can't believe
03:33you'd even not bother to consider the feelings of people
03:35that had ready-break-related incidents in their childhood.
03:38LAUGHTER
03:38So then, at three bears, is that a sort of...
03:48It's not, it's not, it's not Twitter-related, so it's more to do with who.
03:53Who is offended by what?
03:55Yes.
03:55Um, doctor offended by Daleks.
03:58Uh, doctor is the right area, but not doctor who.
04:01Oh.
04:02It is to do with doctors.
04:03Oh, generally medical practitioners.
04:05It is a large organisation, so if you think of it as an acronym.
04:09World Health Organisation.
04:09Oh, World Health Organisation.
04:10World Health Organisation, absolutely right.
04:13And they're offended by, by what?
04:15Which is the World Health Annual Transportation Convention.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22They are worried that scientists are naming diseases that offend people
04:27and that, indeed, we've done this too much in the past.
04:29So, for example, Spanish flu would be a good example.
04:33It affects people in Spain, possibly, and tourism.
04:36People might think if you go to Spain, you'll get Spanish flu.
04:39Uh, Legionnaire's Disease.
04:40There's not a Legionnaire in the world not been distressed by the thought.
04:44Oh, I know one.
04:45Essex Wind.
04:50It's awful, don't it, Phil?
04:52Terrible.
04:53It blows right up your Thames Corridor.
04:57There's Kreutzfeldt-Jakob disease, which I imagine,
04:59I don't know who that would offend.
05:00People call Kreutzfeldt.
05:01Jakob Kreutzfeldt, I would imagine.
05:03Very...
05:04Uh, swine flu, apparently.
05:06Very offensive to people who work with, I don't know, pigs.
05:08Mrs Swine.
05:09Mrs Swine.
05:10Mrs Swine is upset about it.
05:11I'm very keen on paralytic shellfish,
05:14which I could only imagine would offend prawns that drink too much.
05:20I'll see how anybody would be offended about that.
05:22And, apparently...
05:22Staggered on sideways, cracks, okay?
05:26It's paralytic.
05:29Um...
05:30I'll be honest, I don't see how you get crabs if you're staggering sideways, but...
05:35I just realise I'm doing a crab trying the piano.
05:37I don't know why I'm doing that with my fingers.
05:40Why am I doing that with my fingers?
05:41Does that fit?
05:44Trying to make an idea is you're supposed to minimise unnecessary distress.
05:48So, for example, if you call something sudden death syndrome,
05:51that's just too frightening.
05:52I want to say, if you're about to die imminently...
05:55..you can't just say something cuddly so they're not offended.
05:58Do you know what I mean?
05:58I think in a dying experience, you can't just go,
06:00you've just got the chills.
06:02Yeah.
06:02And just...
06:03Because you don't want them to be upset.
06:04No, but here's the thing.
06:05So, doctors have certain acronyms, and I love these.
06:07There's SBI, which is something bad inside,
06:10and it means the doctor knows there's something wrong,
06:12but isn't entirely sure what it is.
06:14Er...
06:15S-V-B-I, something very bad inside.
06:18Again, I don't know what it is, but it'll definitely kill you.
06:20Er...
06:21Sorry, I...
06:22And there's loads for fat people.
06:23There's CBT, which is chronic biscuit toxicity.
06:29The other best one for fat people is BW.
06:32What?
06:33Beached Whale.
06:33Oh!
06:35And my favourite acronym, PRATFO.
06:38Patient reassured and told to F off.
06:46And there's loads of occupational diseases,
06:49certain diseases that were...
06:51Minus cough, minus lung.
06:53Minus lung.
06:54Jogger's nipple.
06:55Jogger's nipple, yes.
06:57Now, the very first one ever was Chimney Sweep's scrotum.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02What?
07:03Yeah, Chimney Sweep's scrotum.
07:04What, what was he...
07:05What, he should put the fire out?
07:06I...
07:07What are you doing?
07:08Fungus.
07:09Bagpipe is fungus.
07:09Bagpipe is fungus.
07:10Bagpipe is fungus.
07:10It's a terrible thing.
07:11Apparently, if you don't clean the bagpipes,
07:13you can get a sort of...
07:14Imagine...
07:15Horrible micro...
07:16Imagine getting a fungus from an instrument that makes that noise.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21Sounds like it's trying to kill you anyway, isn't it?
07:24I've seen all these things listed outside of...
07:27the flat in Amsterdam.
07:28LAUGHTER
07:29Is Chimney Sweep's scrotum because once they're up there,
07:33and if you...
07:33If...
07:34You know, they poke the...
07:35The sweep up.
07:36I'm just guessing.
07:37Poor Dickman Dyke.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42Oh, Mary Poppins, my scrotum's playing me up something wrong.
07:48What's the...?
07:49Stepping time!
07:53LAUGHTER
07:54LAUGHTER
07:55Awww...
07:56That was the subplot they never managed.
07:59LAUGHTER
07:59The...
08:00The...
08:00The...
08:02That's why they were all doing that.
08:03That's why they were all doing that.
08:04LAUGHTER
08:14So, you think he was in too much pain to do the accent properly?
08:17LAUGHTER
08:18So, anyway.
08:19Can you tell me what this bird's name is?
08:24Is it a wagtail?
08:26Er...
08:26It is not a wagtail.
08:27Er...
08:27But what I really want is I want its actual name.
08:29Is it Philip?
08:30Jeremy?
08:31Mabel?
08:32Well, to assist you, you have some bird whistles...
08:35Ooh!
08:36...beside you.
08:37See if you can come up with the actual name.
08:41Oh!
08:41Oh, that's what that is!
08:42Better than that!
08:43BELL RUMMISH!
08:45Oh, here we go.
08:47Set tiny claim.
08:48Oh, you've got lots of different ones.
08:49LAUGHTER
08:51BELL RUMMISH!
08:52BELL RUMMISH!
08:57The famous calling sound of a goose with asthma.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:02BELL RUMMISH!
09:04BELL RUMMISH!
09:05What are you doing?
09:06What are you doing?
09:08I just thought it is pot.
09:12BELL RUMMISH!
09:13BELL RUMMISH!
09:15BELL RUMMISH!
09:15Is that a duck call?
09:15Is that a duck call?
09:16Is that a duck call?
09:18Sounds like a...
09:18KISS!
09:19LAUGHTER
09:22Try the little egg.
09:25Hang on!
09:28APPLAUSE
09:33It could be any one of these tunes.
09:35Here is the extraordinary thing.
09:37This bird is called, and this is such a lovely name,
09:39it's called a superb fairy wren.
09:42Isn't that the sweetest thing?
09:44And every single nest has a family name,
09:46so it's like it has a surname.
09:48And the surname is given to the mother
09:50when the kids are all in the eggs.
09:51And what she does is she lays the eggs,
09:52and then she waits for nine days,
09:54and then she sits by the eggs,
09:55and she starts singing a unique tune.
09:57So it might be...
09:59Better than that.
10:02What beautiful song does she sing, Sally?
10:04What?
10:14How about her?
10:16What's your name?
10:21What?
10:22What?
10:23What?
10:23LAUGHTER
10:32Basically, she sings the same tune every four minutes
10:36over and over for a week.
10:37Now, imagine this drives the chicks in the egg completely barmy.
10:40I thought I'd do that with Let It Go.
10:42Oh, sorry, it's...
10:43Oh, I hate that song. I can't be doing it.
10:45I didn't used to, but holy smokes, it's a test.
10:49But anyway, what happens is, the chicks in the egg,
10:51they actually hear it and they commit it to memory
10:53and mum and dad and eggs, they all know the tune.
10:55It's a unique tune.
10:57Waterloo!
11:04I don't think there are lyrics.
11:07So what happens is, she goes away and gets food.
11:09When she returns to the nest, she sings this particular tune
11:12that they all know and they have to sing it back to her
11:14and that way she can be absolutely sure
11:16there isn't a cuckoo in the nest.
11:18Oh!
11:18So they have, as it were, a surname just for that nest.
11:22That is amazing.
11:23That really is amazing.
11:24But if they were people...
11:25Yeah.
11:26...how annoying would they be?
11:29Unbelievably irritating.
11:30Andrew, should we do our song?
11:32No, look at this song, we've sung it for a weird chill.
11:35Let's do it, shall we?
11:38I knew a family that did that, they had a whistle.
11:40Right.
11:40And in the supermarket, the mum would do a certain whistle
11:43and then the kid would whistle back.
11:44No, darling, that's the Von Trapps.
11:46That's okay.
11:47They had a whistle in the supermarket in case they got lost.
11:49No, my mum would summon me home by whistling.
11:52Seriously?
11:53Yeah.
11:53And she taught me how to do it with her two fingers there.
11:56WHISTLING
11:57Wow!
11:58That is a whistle.
11:58Now, I could hear that three miles away.
12:02So, me and my brother would be playing with mates
12:05and we'd be out all day and then at tea time
12:07my mum would go out the back door and go...
12:09WHISTLING
12:10And then we would...
12:11That is a seriously good whistle.
12:12We would come back.
12:13One time, do you remember we were in Manchester?
12:16Oh, yeah, yeah.
12:17And I had to get a train.
12:18Yeah.
12:19And the taxi went by and I went,
12:21Daddy!
12:21And he ignored me.
12:23And it went about 50 yards and he did that
12:25and it...
12:25It breaks.
12:28I was a taxi driver your mum.
12:37Here's the thing about the birds which is extraordinary.
12:39It isn't just birds that do this.
12:41Horses also do this.
12:42They have a signature Winnie.
12:44Wow.
12:48Serious.
12:50The picture budget being slacked.
12:52Yeah.
12:53That's from horses and orthodontistry.
12:57I'm so allergic to horses that I just sneezed at the side of that picture.
13:01I don't mean it's an allergy.
13:02That photo is terrifying.
13:04That's what that is.
13:05It's going,
13:06Where are my eyes?
13:08My eyes!
13:10The crones have got my eyes!
13:14Help!
13:17That's the mum horse going,
13:19Where are you?
13:21Hello!
13:22Kids!
13:23Bring my eyes back!
13:26That overbite reminds me of my games teacher at school.
13:30So here's the thing.
13:31Horses have signature Winnie.
13:33So say for example,
13:34That you have a horse called,
13:35Shall we call it Alan?
13:36In a stall,
13:37And another horse called,
13:39Shurgar,
13:40Walks by,
13:40And goes out of sight behind a barrier.
13:43Alan notices that,
13:44And carries on,
13:44You're being Alan the horse.
13:45Goes back to eating.
13:46If when Shurgar is behind the barrier,
13:48Scientists play his identifying Winnie,
13:51Alan won't really pay any attention.
13:52If they play the identifying Winnie,
13:54Of a different horse,
13:56Alan gets really freaked out,
13:57Because he knows,
13:58That the horse he saw walk past,
13:59Wasn't the one that he's just heard.
14:02This is on a list of things,
14:03Scientists can be asked to do.
14:07So horses have a signature Winnie.
14:10And dolphins as well.
14:15Flippers here!
14:16There's two children down a mine shaft.
14:19A dolphin taxi is going about to come through now.
14:24They meet at sea dolphins,
14:26And one of the very first things they do,
14:27Is to introduce themselves with a unique whistle,
14:29And then when they hear somebody calling that unique whistle,
14:32They answer with the same whistle,
14:34So it's sort of,
14:34And hear kind of thing.
14:36Oh dolphins.
14:37I know.
14:38Are they nice really?
14:39Well I once swam with wild dolphins,
14:41I'd have been more terrified in my life frankly.
14:45Wrens, horses and dolphins,
14:46All give themselves names.
14:48Who sold seashells on the seashore?
14:53Is it somebody's got no idea about the laws of supply and demand?
14:58LAUGHTER
15:04Interestingly,
15:05There were plenty of sea shells and lots of people who wanted to buy them.
15:09So who?
15:09The answer is she, isn't it?
15:16Well, it is in the rhyme. Can you do the rhyme? Do you know the rhyme?
15:18No, I can't because I've got a lisp.
15:21It's a fantastically mean thing to do, too.
15:24No, they can do it, Sandy. They can do it.
15:27She sells seashells on the seashore, and then she goes home again.
15:32The shells she sells are seashells I'm sure,
15:36for if she sells seashells on the seashore,
15:38more than I'm sure, she sells seashore shells is the full rhyme.
15:42Wow.
15:43Did anyone... Thank you very much.
15:47That is not.
15:49I think that is the first time I've heard a typical British reaction
15:53to a tongue twister.
15:55And it is...
16:00That's what we think of articulate people.
16:08I didn't know we had that in our make-up.
16:12So, she, but who was she?
16:14The woman who sold seashells.
16:17Was she a cockney woman who some white Victorian man
16:20made up a nice mime about, but actually she was probably a prostitute
16:23who died of syphilis?
16:26LAUGHTER
16:26It's not a way!
16:28It's not a way!
16:29It's not a way!
16:30It's not a way!
16:30That turned Dickens, you know?
16:34I wonder why they didn't include that bit in the rhyme.
16:37It's not a very professional rhyme.
16:39What a dark place your head is.
16:43It was an actual woman.
16:44She worked Lime Regis.
16:46Ah!
16:49Have you had that seizure?
16:49Do you want me to get somebody?
16:50No.
16:52No, it's the Dorset lady...
16:54Bless you.
16:55The Dorset...
16:57We're a caring, sharing show.
16:59It was the Dorset lady...
17:01She's a killer!
17:01Look at the weapon!
17:02There she is!
17:03Found the first dinosaur in the UK, didn't she?
17:05The first whole...
17:06She was the inspiration for the tongue twister.
17:08She's a Victorian fossil hunter called Mary Anning.
17:11Oh, she's a fossil hunter.
17:12She's all over the Natural History Museum.
17:15All over the Natural History Museum.
17:16And she's an incredible woman.
17:17She was very brave because, actually, it's very dangerous.
17:19That is a picture of her with her dog, Trey.
17:21She's about to kill it and put it in that bag.
17:24Well...
17:24I can't tell if the dog's already...
17:26And now I should make a fossil!
17:33Finish your painting, please!
17:36Before the dog wakes up!
17:41I don't know if the picture shows the dog already dead.
17:44It died in the landslide, and she was very fond of it.
17:47A landslide caused by...
17:50Well, it is some...
17:52I don't know if you...
17:55She found huge fossils.
17:57She is really an extraordinary woman,
18:00and her findings absolutely made important changes in scientific thinking,
18:03because up until the 1820s,
18:05lots of people didn't believe extinctions could happen,
18:07because it would imply that God's creations were less than perfect.
18:10But she, in fact, discovered the very first ichthyosaur skeleton,
18:14correctly identified,
18:14the first two klesiosaur skeletons,
18:17and the first pterosaur skeleton outside Germany.
18:20She also found...
18:21I'm going to give you some examples.
18:22She found these,
18:24and she's the very first person who worked out what they are.
18:26So I'm going to pass you one there for you to share.
18:30Oh?
18:30Do you know what that is?
18:32Oh, this is...
18:33£9.50 in a Cornwall gift shop.
18:36Is this...
18:37Is this dinosaur shit?
18:39It is.
18:39It is absolutely that.
18:41People first thought...
18:42Now I feel weird.
18:45Well, these have been tumbled,
18:46to prove you can, in fact, polish a turd,
18:49but...
18:53People thought they were basils,
18:54so a stomach stone,
18:55something from the inside of the stomach,
18:57but what she did was she cracked one open,
18:59and she discovered...
19:03It's science, it's science.
19:05She discovered fish scales and teeth,
19:07and she's the person who realised that, in fact,
19:08coprolites, which is the correct term for them,
19:10is, in fact, dinosaur...
19:11It's that extraordinary to have a dinosaur's bit of poo in your hand.
19:15I think it's incredible.
19:16I feel a bit sorry for her that, you know,
19:18she's done all these amazing things,
19:19and then when they decide to come up with a rhyme about her...
19:21Yeah.
19:21...they made up one about how she used to knock out seashells.
19:25Well, here's the thing, that's how she made a living,
19:26because she was very poor.
19:27Her father was a cabinet maker.
19:28He died when she was 11,
19:30and so she had to make a living,
19:31and actually, people selling fossils has been a big thing on the line.
19:34She did start finding them when she was 12 or 13, didn't she?
19:37Yeah.
19:37She could sell them to tourists.
19:39It was one of the very first...
19:40So your £9.50 for a coprolite is probably about right.
19:43What I...
19:43She really sort of pains me slightly,
19:45because she sold things to men
19:46who then wrote scientific articles about them,
19:48and she didn't get the credit.
19:49She wasn't allowed to join, for example,
19:51the Geological Society of London.
19:52They didn't admit women until 1904.
19:54She didn't get full credit until 163 years after her death.
20:00The Royal Society included Anning in a list of the ten British women
20:03who have most influenced the history of science.
20:06Well, was she not allowed to join the society because she was a woman,
20:08or because she killed that dog?
20:10I think the dog didn't help, if I'm honest with you.
20:14Right, it's time for a look in Mother Toxwig's bumper book
20:17of neological novelties, I think.
20:19Here are some new names for things,
20:21but can you tell me what any of them are?
20:25Adorkable.
20:26Adorkable, do you know what it is?
20:27Is that when somebody's, like, really into comic books,
20:29but it's quite cute?
20:30It's a manic pixie dream girl syndrome.
20:32Adorably dorkish.
20:33So, socially inept, but charming with it.
20:35Are these...
20:36These are new words that have recently...
20:39Oh.
20:39What's happening up here?
20:40They're what's known as neologisms,
20:42so they are new terms that have entered the language.
20:44Oh, in...
20:45Oh, I see.
20:46Al Desco is having your lunch.
20:47Having your lunch at your desk.
20:50Yeah, yeah.
20:51I don't know what a Belfie is.
20:52Belfie is where you take a selfie,
20:53but you have a bell.
20:57No, it is a selfie.
20:58But what part of you is a Belfie?
21:01Oh, my God.
21:02Yes.
21:04Really?
21:05Your bellend.
21:11I thought that was a dick pic.
21:13It's your bottom.
21:14Your bottom?
21:15Yes, it's a picture of your...
21:16That's a bumfie.
21:17A bumfie.
21:19What?
21:20That was Belfie bum.
21:21I don't...
21:21Tommy, I didn't write them.
21:23I'm just telling you...
21:24These are all examples that have been included in the OED,
21:27in recent...
21:28OED have got to stop adding now.
21:30Stop adding now.
21:30Stop adding.
21:31I like...
21:31It's like the OED has been taken over by a 14-year-old boy
21:34who's bored.
21:38I like that one.
21:40Stuart Sucker.
21:41What is that?
21:42Yes.
21:43It's to do with sucking.
21:44It's to do with sucking.
21:45Really?
21:46Is it?
21:46I think I'll leave you to the quiz now.
21:48No, no, it's fine.
21:49It's a Scottish neologism for a vacuum cleaner.
21:51It's a stairs sucker.
21:52Stuart Sucker.
21:54What's honk and bonkers?
21:56Honk and bonkers.
21:57It just means amazing.
21:59Is that the one you were thinking,
22:01that's the one I might take from you?
22:02Yeah.
22:03What am I just going to throw into casual conversation?
22:06The good thing about any of these words,
22:08if I hear someone using them,
22:09I could beat them to death with the OED,
22:11which is quite a...
22:12...pesty book.
22:14Wad shtead is another Scottish one for website.
22:17What's cold press?
22:19Cold press is a Scottish neologism for a fridge.
22:21These are just Scottish words.
22:23Does anybody know where the word quiz comes from?
22:25Because we're doing a kind of quiz.
22:27I feel like I do know, but I can't remember.
22:31Do we get a point for that?
22:36Yeah, Alan can have a point for that.
22:37I'm fine with that, yeah.
22:38So when you say it, I'm going to go...
22:44What?
22:45What?
22:46We don't really know.
22:47Oh.
22:52So it used to mean a sort of eccentric person.
22:54How it has come to mean asking people questions for points,
22:57we don't really know.
22:58Anyway, there's a story that Richard Daly,
23:00who was a theatre proprietor in Dublin in 1791,
23:03made a bet that within 48 hours
23:05he could get a word into common parlance,
23:07and he distributed the word quiz
23:09to be put up on walls all over Dublin,
23:11and it became part of the language.
23:13Really?
23:14When they say the police are quizzing the suspect,
23:16that's wrong, isn't it?
23:17No, that's from inquisitive...
23:19and inquisition.
23:20So that's a separate...
23:22You've got it.
23:22You're in the right chair.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:25A little cold feeling then.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:33APPLAUSE
23:43Right, OK.
23:45A new word is created in English every 98 minutes or so.
23:49Now we're going to name our little piggies.
23:52You all know the rhyme.
23:53Come on, let's do this together.
23:54This little piggy went to market.
23:56This little piggy stayed home.
23:57This little piggy had roast beef.
23:59This little piggy had numbs.
24:00And what did the last one do?
24:01This little piggy went...
24:03Whee!
24:03Whee!
24:04All the way home.
24:05Unbelievably irritating.
24:07So...
24:08What we're going to do is we're going to play with Alan's feet.
24:11Do we want to play with your feet, Danny?
24:12Yes.
24:13I don't really like feet.
24:14Can I just say this?
24:15I consider them the frayed edges of the body.
24:18Do you want both feet?
24:19We just need one.
24:21Er, if I could...
24:21Do you want to play...?
24:22I believe my feet died in 1987.
24:25LAUGHTER
24:26And the rest of my body will catch up eventually.
24:28But I think my feet went some time ago.
24:31Erm, right.
24:32Er, so here's what we're going to do.
24:33Er...
24:34What is that noise?
24:38We've never had an audience.
24:39It's so judgemental.
24:41What do you hear?
24:41I tell them to accept you.
24:43OK.
24:43You see your foot.
24:46Very nice.
24:47Someone else will get their foot out and you go,
24:48Yay!
24:53OK, so Romesh, there's a little stick.
25:03So, imagine that your big toe is number one,
25:05the next toe is number two, three,
25:06so number five is your little toe.
25:08OK.
25:08I want you to shut your eyes and Romesh...
25:10Oh.
25:11Romesh is going to gently touch one of your toes
25:14and you tell us which one it is he's touching.
25:18I can't actually see which one's being touched.
25:20Let me just come and have a look.
25:22I'm coming behind you.
25:24OK, go ahead then.
25:25Do it again.
25:27Yeah?
25:28Er, four.
25:29Yeah, then keep going.
25:33Three.
25:34Ah, so, OK.
25:36So, you can stop now.
25:37That's fantastic.
25:38Because rather marvellously and rather pleasingly,
25:39you've entirely proved the point that I was trying to make,
25:41which is very nice.
25:42Er, so you said it was number three and in fact it was number two.
25:46Was it?
25:46Yeah, it was actually number two that was being poked.
25:49And here's the extraordinary thing.
25:49I can't get my leg going.
25:51Are you all right?
25:52Are you all right?
25:55So, people at Oxford University research this kind of thing.
25:59Er, in 2015, so they asked people to close their eyes
26:01while somebody pressed on one of their fingers
26:03and they were correctly able to identify,
26:0599% of the case, which finger was being simulated.
26:08It sort of defeats the object.
26:09You can't do it yourself.
26:10Yeah, you can't do it yourself.
26:12You know which one, you prodded it.
26:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:15Yeah.
26:15And also you...
26:16I went right through with it
26:17and I did one on the toes myself
26:19and then thought,
26:19well, no, that's number one.
26:20And then, of course.
26:24Have you ever been involved in scientific research in any way?
26:27I just let myself down, Stanley, all the time.
26:31Unbelievable idiot.
26:32I think you're lovely.
26:33Er, so you can recognise your big and little toes
26:37about 94% of the time,
26:39but the ones in the middle are the troublesome ones.
26:41We particularly struggle, as you did,
26:43between the second and the third toes
26:45and about half the people,
26:47when the second toe is pressed actually,
26:49think it's the third one.
26:50And also, even more strangely,
26:52lots of people find it difficult
26:53to keep track of their toes entirely.
26:55Nearly half the testers reported feeling
26:57as if one toe was gone.
27:01A huge number of people with their eyes shut
27:03thought they only had four toes.
27:05Well, you just thought,
27:07we've picked the wrong person for the experiment.
27:09Er, just gone entirely.
27:11Right, for the question for all of us here on the panel,
27:14which of us is the most common?
27:18It's either me or Alan.
27:19Why?
27:20Oh, why?
27:21Oh, no, hang on.
27:22No.
27:22There's more women in the world,
27:23so it's one of you two.
27:25It's not that.
27:26It isn't that.
27:26It must be Rommish.
27:28It must be Rommish.
27:29Er, er, no, in fact, the most common...
27:33You've got to give an argument,
27:34you've got to give an argument,
27:34it must be Rommish.
27:37Give, give, give.
27:38Oh, I see what I've got to give.
27:40I had a look, er, er,
27:41to see whose name was the most common.
27:43Oh.
27:44So whose name do we think
27:45is the most common?
27:46Well, it's quite...
27:47Well, I'd say Rommish,
27:48Sandy and Carrie,
27:49I'd probably not...
27:50Not going to be.
27:51Top of the list.
27:51Davis is a very common name.
27:53I'm afraid it is you, Alan.
27:55I had a look.
27:55Ranganathan is used,
27:56according to a website called Namespedia,
27:59is used 1,789 times
28:01in at least 26 countries.
28:03So what does it mean, the name?
28:04Do you know what the name means?
28:05Er, I think it means, like...
28:07Love God.
28:10OK, so...
28:11I broke it down...
28:25Er, Ranga means source of amusement for others.
28:30Right.
28:30And Nathan means he will give.
28:32Oh, right.
28:34Er, Lloyd is used 65,467 times in at least 46 countries.
28:40Er...
28:40We get about the Welsh.
28:41There's that.
28:42Er, Phil, search your name.
28:44Honestly, you come up...
28:45There's nothing, you Lithuanian bastard.
28:47Because it's an accidental name.
28:49Because it's actually, er,
28:51Szapatis.
28:51But when they arrived in 1917 in the UK,
28:54some bloke at Tilbury, when they arrived,
28:57went,
28:57No.
28:58And they go, Szapatis.
28:59And he went,
29:00Jupiter's.
29:02So he just wrote down what he heard.
29:04What do you know?
29:04And so that's why it came out of Jupiter's.
29:06I have lovely hair.
29:13No wonder I'm so smug.
29:14Yeah.
29:15I don't know who's upset Alan.
29:19Looks like I've been pulled over for speeding.
29:21They're like, oh, come on.
29:23Erm, Davies, er, is the most popular.
29:26There's 47 different countries, er, it appears.
29:28Did you know there was an entire group of Indo-Iranian people
29:31in the Caucasus mountains who were called the Allens?
29:33I did not know that.
29:34They've died out.
29:39She gives and she takes it away.
29:41And my own name, I looked up on this thing, Toxvig,
29:43and it said that it is used at least 23 times in three countries
29:47and then it listed all the people.
29:49Da-da-da-da!
29:50And all of them, all of them are relatives of mine
29:53and I'm not on the list.
29:59What does Toxvig mean?
30:00Er, it means river by the burial ground.
30:04Oh, that's nice.
30:05That's fantastic.
30:06Er, having a huge name can help with your uniqueness.
30:08Have a look at these here.
30:08Some of the longest names in history.
30:10Look at that.
30:11That's one person's name.
30:13This was a woman, er, the long-reigning ruler of Yemen
30:16in the 11th and 12th century.
30:18Er, she was the greatest of the rulers of the Sulia dynasty
30:21and she is sometimes referred to as the Little Queen of Sheba.
30:24Imagine how annoyed you'd be if you're doing the school trophy,
30:27she won the 100.
30:28Yeah.
30:30Look at that name.
30:31That's great, isn't it?
30:32That's a fantastic name.
30:33Queen of Bali, er, circa 1088 to 11.
30:36Do you think she fell asleep and just clapped onto the keyboard?
30:40LAUGHTER
30:44That last bit at the end, that ain't a name.
30:46That ain't a name.
30:47That is a two-year-old.
30:49There's a two-year-old on an iPhone now.
30:51LAUGHTER
30:53Now, er, would you rather be in a non-routine operation
30:57or a mass deposition event?
30:59Looks like Alan's in The Simpsons from here.
31:02LAUGHTER
31:02LAUGHTER
31:05Well, I don't like the sound of a non-routine operation.
31:08I prefer a non-routine operation.
31:09Do you?
31:10Casual.
31:10Well, I just think because if it's routine...
31:11Better story.
31:12Well, if it's routine, the person's more likely to be a bit blasé about it.
31:15You know, if you've done it loads of times.
31:17Where if it's non-routine, everybody thought I probably should stay awake
31:19while I'm doing this.
31:21LAUGHTER
31:21If it's non-routine, they're going to have the book open and...
31:23Yeah, exactly.
31:24Exactly.
31:25Like, they're doing it for the first time.
31:27LAUGHTER
31:33I can tell you that the non-routine operation is a phrase used by
31:36Trans-Florida Airlines.
31:38OK.
31:39Crash landing?
31:40It is.
31:41It is their word for a plane crash.
31:43Oh-ho!
31:43Notice to passengers, in case of a...
31:45Fuck being the lead.
31:46In case of a non-routine operation, we'd like you to be familiar with
31:50the location of the airplane.
31:51I mean, you'd hope they'd call that non-routine, wouldn't you?
31:55What a dabbling indictment of the airline if they don't, yeah.
31:57Can I show you my favourite airport sign?
31:59Because you know how you never get proper information?
32:01I think this is absolutely fantastic.
32:03There we go.
32:05LAUGHTER
32:08LAUGHTER
32:11It kind of says everything, doesn't it?
32:13It's fair enough.
32:14It's honest.
32:15It's honest.
32:16It's absolutely fine.
32:16And the other thing is, a mass deposition event is in fact
32:20a huge pile of poo.
32:21In fact, it's a rather specific pile of poo.
32:23It's a euphemistic term given by archaeologists
32:25to the discovery of a thick layer of horse tongue
32:28at a site called the Col de la Traversette,
32:31and it's believed to be associated with Hannibal's crossing
32:33of the Alps into Italy in 218 BC.
32:37I love this.
32:38The team analysing the poo, okay,
32:40are hoping to find signs of elephant droppings.
32:43Here's a quote from one of the team.
32:44There's even the possibility of finding an elephant taped
32:46worm egg.
32:48This would really be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
32:51LAUGHTER
32:53A tapeworm egg.
32:55Not having a tapeworm.
32:56No.
32:57It's a tapeworm egg.
32:57Just a tapeworm egg.
32:58While we're on euphemisms, what is a non-discernable
33:03microbioculator?
33:04Something you can't see.
33:05It's very small, very small.
33:06You don't want to have it.
33:08It's like a parasite.
33:09It's non-discernable.
33:10You can't see it.
33:11It's a man-made thing.
33:12Bullet.
33:13Sort of.
33:14A lethal injection.
33:15You're absolutely in the right area.
33:17It's a poison dart gun.
33:18Devised by the CIA in 1975.
33:21I'm on fire.
33:22It's about to win.
33:22You're doing...
33:23I've only had one klaxon.
33:24Yeah.
33:24Yeah.
33:25I have to say this during the show to flag it up.
33:27Yeah.
33:28You've done fantastic.
33:29Otherwise they were just going to be minus 40 and tell me I'll piss off.
33:33That looks like a particularly tough night at the Rotary Club.
33:38I think that's going to kill Alan.
33:40Er...
33:40He's got the sight on back to front.
33:42The thing I don't understand...
33:44The bloke on the right side.
33:45Back to front, you idiot.
33:47He's plenty miles away.
33:48The dart will never get him.
33:50LAUGHTER
33:54Why wouldn't you want to get caught in bed with a Norfolk Howard?
33:58Because it's probably cattle, is it, or something like that?
34:02Er, no, but it is a creature of some kind.
34:04Oh, it's some sort of a bug or a flea or a tick or a flea.
34:06Oh, yes, you are on fire.
34:07Yes.
34:08What's going on with you today?
34:11What, it's something you know shit?
34:12No, it's a sub...
34:13It's a substandard panel street.
34:16LAUGHTER
34:24It's, in fact, it's a euphemism for a bed bug at Norfolk Howard.
34:28Oh.
34:28In the turn of the 20th century, there's a guy,
34:30he's either called Bugsy or Joshua Bug.
34:32Anyway, he really hated being called Bug,
34:34and so he changed his name to Norfolk Howard,
34:37and his friends, to take the mickey,
34:39referred to all bed bugs as Norfolk Howards,
34:42and in the end, bed bugs became known as Norfolk Howard.
34:45Oh.
34:46Oh, that's horrible.
34:47I think that is a beautifully designed...
34:51It's an amazing thing.
34:52..and coloured...
34:53Yeah.
34:53I mean, it's really...
34:54They are amazing, bed bugs, yeah.
34:55Look at the shell on that.
34:56You wouldn't accept that from a hotel, though,
34:58if they said that to you, would you?
35:00LAUGHTER
35:01I've got bed bugs, yeah,
35:02but look how beautifully designed...
35:05LAUGHTER
35:06And so, we've reached that round that dare not speak its name.
35:09Fingers on buzzers, please, for general ignorance.
35:12Name the place where all the Vikings who died in battle went.
35:19I'll take the hit, Valhalla.
35:25No!
35:26You'd think, right, that any warrior, death in battle,
35:29get to go to the Hall of the Fallen in Asgore.
35:32It's amazing.
35:33It has a roof entirely made of golden shields.
35:36It's got 540 doors.
35:38You can get 800 men in and out whenever you like.
35:41Sounds brilliant.
35:42It's amazing.
35:43It's amazing.
35:44But only half of the Viking heroes actually go to Valhalla.
35:48So, in Viking mythology, there are actually two sets of gods.
35:50The Essir, which is Odin and Co,
35:54and the Vanir, and both sets get to choose their dead.
35:57So, half go to Valhalla, which is where they all want to go, basically,
36:00and the other half go to the goddess Freya's field of Folkvanger,
36:05which was probably, you know, a blow, I would imagine.
36:07I have never been more aroused on a TV show.
36:10LAUGHTER
36:11Same.
36:12Do the voice, do the voice, do the voice.
36:14Folkvanger.
36:14Folkvanger.
36:16See, I think you'd like to go there, Phil.
36:17Yes, I would like to go to Folkvanger.
36:21Because there are women there.
36:23There's no women in Valhalla?
36:24No, just the Valkyries riding in an hour.
36:26That's a great name of a porn film.
36:28No women in Valhalla!
36:31So, if you didn't die in battle, you died in natural death,
36:33where did you go?
36:34If you didn't go to Valhalla, and you didn't go to Folkvanger?
36:37The Loki's kingdom of mischief.
36:40It's a place we don't want to go today when we die.
36:43We don't want to go to hell.
36:45Oh, you, fantastic.
36:46It's exactly right.
36:46They went to hell.
36:47Yeah, indeed they did.
36:48If they died of natural causes.
36:50If they died of natural causes, they went to hell, which was...
36:52Hold on, I feel terrible.
36:53Quick, start a fight!
36:57We've had battle today.
36:59This is so unfair.
37:01I've been in all the battles trying to get killed.
37:05Hell is ruled over by a goddess called hell.
37:07That's where we get the word hell from.
37:08Anyway, only half of Viking warriors ever got to Valhalla.
37:13Name a self-confessed Nazi.
37:16LAUGHTER
37:17I couldn't do it!
37:18I couldn't do it!
37:19I was like, oh Jesus!
37:21Self-confessed.
37:22All those guys.
37:24It's me!
37:25It's me!
37:25They didn't call themselves Nazis today.
37:27Absolutely right.
37:28There are none.
37:29There are none because they didn't call themselves Nazis.
37:31You are just doing it brilliantly.
37:33Yep.
37:34Absolutely right.
37:42All this time...
37:44Yeah.
37:45All this time you've been intimidated.
37:46No.
37:47To say...
37:47No!
37:48You can just...
37:50You can just speak!
37:51It's lovely, Alan.
37:52No, indeed.
37:53And I'll throw him off his game.
37:55No!
37:55No!
37:59Although I like that Churchill called them Nazis.
38:01Nazis.
38:01Nazis.
38:02Oh, no.
38:02And he referred to the Gestapo as the Gestapo.
38:06LAUGHTER
38:06Very good.
38:07You're absolutely right.
38:08No self-respecting Nazi ever called themselves a Nazi.
38:12It was the German exiles who called them that.
38:14Name the cause of the first mass extinction.
38:17Oh, now.
38:18This is a trick one because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one
38:22but there was one before that, wasn't there?
38:24After 14 years, he understands the format.
38:27LAUGHTER
38:36And what I still can't do is think in my head.
38:41LAUGHTER
38:42Right on, Forrest.
38:45Where do you think, then?
38:47In my mouth.
38:49In your mouth.
38:50Is it...is it ice?
38:52Uh, it is not ice.
38:53No.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:56Very good.
38:57They had a problem but they didn't solve it as a massive extinction.
39:01LAUGHTER
39:02It's sea anemone greed
39:04and really the invention of the mouth.
39:07So, what happens is...
39:09So many problems come when we invent the mouth.
39:11Yeah.
39:12These are Ediacarans
39:13and Ediacarans are the very first complex life forms on Earth
39:17and they hung around on the sea floor for about 37 million years.
39:21They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus,
39:23they just lived through osmosis there.
39:25They got along fine.
39:26They're just fine.
39:27And then what happens is the Cambrian explosion,
39:30so that's give or take a Tuesday about 542 million years ago.
39:34You suddenly get life forms suddenly rocketing
39:36because there's more oxygen around
39:38and you get sea anemone-like creatures, they have a mouth
39:40and do you know what they did?
39:41They ate them.
39:43They're absolutely right.
39:43They ate the lot of them.
39:45And the terrible, tragic thing was that they couldn't tell each other what was happening.
39:48Oh, I don't, that's so sad.
39:50Yeah, no mouth.
39:51Yeah.
39:53Just lying there being eaten and not being able to...
39:55Yeah.
39:56Or warn each other.
39:56I've had boyfriends like that and I understand how they feel.
40:04Nothing you can do.
40:05Just let them get on with it.
40:07Hang on.
40:07It's been a learning experience being with you, okay?
40:10That's why I'm a darkable.
40:12Talk for a moment.
40:13Talk for a moment, you make your dad boyfriends with no mouth or anus.
40:16It felt like that, Alan.
40:17They can't cry for help.
40:20Can't speak.
40:21Anyway, what's French for non-diplume?
40:25Oh, hang on a minute.
40:28Snuffy story.
40:29Is that they don't have, that doesn't mean, um, pseudonym in French.
40:35Uh, they don't.
40:36Yeah, kind of.
40:37They don't have that word.
40:37In fact, the French for when an author chooses to write under a different name is nom de guerre.
40:41Oh, yeah.
40:42It is now nom de plume in French, but the British didn't like nom de guerre.
40:45They didn't think it was a good idea.
40:46And so they changed it to nom de plume and now the French have used it.
40:50They've taken it from us.
40:51That's unusual that they would take it, because normally they hold on to their French words.
40:54Yeah, like the weekend.
40:56Like crazy, they hold on to those words.
40:58Yeah, loads.
40:58My favourite nom de plume, I mean, Voltaire had loads and he had about 173.
41:03What?
41:03Daniel Defoe had loads and loads.
41:04In fact, including Daniel Defoe, his real name was Daniel Foe.
41:07He just bigged himself up with the de part.
41:11And Benjamin Franklin.
41:12He lived in Stoke Newington.
41:14Who did?
41:14Daniel Defoe?
41:15Daniel Defoe.
41:16See, I like that, because that is where somebody like that ought to live.
41:19There's a wonderful story about a book written by a man called T Lobsang Ramper.
41:23He was supposedly a Tibetan monk and it was a huge hit, this book.
41:27It was called The Third Eye.
41:28It was published in 1954.
41:29Massive hit.
41:30In fact, it was written by a plumber from Plimpton.
41:34His name was Cyril Henry Hoskin.
41:36A total hoax.
41:37A total hoax.
41:38Brilliant.
41:38But what I like about it, he didn't, he wouldn't back down.
41:41Right?
41:42So he claimed that the soul of the original Lobsang Ramper had inhabited his body after he fell
41:48out of a fir tree in his garden in Thames Ditton while attempting to photograph an owl.
41:54LAUGHTER
41:56You're going to lie.
41:57It's what I think.
41:58Lying big.
41:58Yeah, go for it.
41:59The French for nom de plume is nom de guerre.
42:02So our panellists emerge at the scores, but let's see who has made a name for themselves
42:08and who has a black mark next to theirs.
42:11In fourth place, with a magnificent minus two, it is Phil.
42:18APPLAUSE
42:23In third place, with four points, it's Romesh.
42:27APPLAUSE
42:31OK, I don't know if you're going to be able to guess who wins if I tell you who's in
42:34second place.
42:35With five points, it's Carrier.
42:36APPLAUSE
42:41And the winner is Alan Whitson!
42:47APPLAUSE
42:54It only remains for me to thank Garriad...
42:56I think I'm bearable.
42:58LAUGHTER
43:00I shall bear with it.
43:01It only remains for me to thank Garriad, Phil, Romesh and Alan.
43:04Finally, let me leave you with this Neolithic newspaper nugget from the Johannesburg Star.
43:09The Sunday morning quiet of the city centre was shattered when a man went berserk in Plain Street.
43:14He smashed about 4,000 rand's worth of shop windows before being shot in the thigh by a passing churchgoer.
43:21LAUGHTER
43:21I know...
43:22You're happy!
43:22You're happy, you're happy!
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