- 18 hours ago
First broadcast 19th December 2015.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Johnny Vegas
Jenny Eclair
Scott Penrose
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Johnny Vegas
Jenny Eclair
Scott Penrose
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:02I'm a rescue merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry gentlemen.
00:07Let nothing you dismay and welcome to the QI Christmas Panto
00:11with an evening of merriment.
00:13Let's see who's under my tree.
00:16It's Baron Hardup, Johnny Vegas.
00:22And here's Buckley's Bill Bailey.
00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:29Widow Tranky, Ginny Eclair.
00:34And a horse's arse, Alan Davis.
00:42So, let's hear your panto noises.
00:46Johnny goes...
00:47Oh, yes, it is.
00:49Bill goes...
00:51Oh, no, it is.
00:53Jenny goes...
00:54He's behind you.
00:57And Alan goes...
00:58Why is that man wearing a dress, Mummy?
01:01LAUGHTER
01:03Good question.
01:04Have a sweet, dear.
01:07Right.
01:08Now, I've sent you all a Christmas card.
01:10Here they are.
01:11Got one for Johnny.
01:12Oh.
01:13And one for Jenny.
01:15One for Bill.
01:16And one for Alan.
01:18Now, my question's quite simple.
01:20Whose card is most like the first card ever sent?
01:26Well, mine's like that.
01:28Yeah.
01:28OK, I've got a robin.
01:29You've got a robin.
01:30Not a...
01:31Cockrobin?
01:32Maybe.
01:33How do you know it's a Cockrobin?
01:34Er...
01:35Er...
01:35Er...
01:36Well...
01:37Er...
01:37I mean, I don't mean Cockrobin.
01:39Is that what Batman said?
01:41LAUGHTER
01:47That's terrible.
01:48He likes that.
01:49You like that, don't you?
01:51Oh, he likes that.
01:51He's very pleased with himself.
01:53Have another sweet.
01:55Sorry?
01:56How do you know it's a Cockrobin?
01:58I do know it's a Cockrobin.
01:59I do know it's a Cockrobin.
01:59Don't you know it's a Cockrobin?
02:01So you've got the robin, and the robin is certainly a traditional Christmas card.
02:05Picture and image.
02:06You've got a Roman statue.
02:08In a Christmas jumper.
02:10Which seems unlikely.
02:11Though, of course, the Roman Empire had hundreds of years...
02:13No.
02:14...as a Christian Empire.
02:15But you still...
02:16If it had been a Christmas toga...
02:18Yeah.
02:18...maybe.
02:19No.
02:19That's not the original Christmas card.
02:22Fair point.
02:23You've got a little baby.
02:24You've got a little baby.
02:24I'm struggling to think this is the original.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:28It's pretty close to my upbringing.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:32But it's not.
02:33I saw this and thought of you.
02:35Yeah.
02:35Well, we saw that and thought of you, Alan.
02:37There we are.
02:38It does look a bit like me.
02:39It looks very like you.
02:40I would say that is...
02:42Alan Davis.
02:43There.
02:44Puss.
02:44In a production of Puss in Boots.
02:45Boots.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:48In, er...
02:491916.
02:50So was that the very first Christmas card?
02:53Well...
02:53No, it wasn't.
02:54But we were just fascinated to see Alan in it.
02:57And to see that you were working in panto then.
03:00And...
03:01Wondered, you know, whether you had a good experience.
03:03Er...
03:03Loved it.
03:04You loved it, yeah.
03:05It's demanding, cos it's five shows a day.
03:07Yes, five.
03:08They always say.
03:09But financially, it's the best gig of the year, so...
03:12LAUGHTER
03:12Can I say, I don't think we're getting the best out of my costume.
03:14Look, I've got a tail.
03:18Hey!
03:18And I've got...
03:19And I've got feet and everything.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:22But it's all out of sight below the desk, Steven.
03:25Yes.
03:26Yeah.
03:26It looks like you're just wearing a pair of large grey trousers.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:29For no reason for...
03:31They are retaining all the moisture, so...
03:33Is it a ventriloquist, something?
03:35It is now.
03:36Oh, yeah.
03:37I don't know, yeah.
03:38No, that's a...
03:39That's a...
03:39That's a scary-looking...
03:40You look like you're wearing boiler lagging.
03:42They do.
03:44You've been lagged.
03:45I've been lagged.
03:46All right, so, yes, that was one Christmas card.
03:48It was 1916.
03:49I vote the robin as the early one.
03:51Robins were very early on Christmas cards.
03:54They're probably the most common depiction of Christmas, isn't it?
03:56Do you know why they were common?
03:58Why were they considered a symbol of Christmas?
04:01Er...
04:01What it is, is that when the first Christmas cards were delivered,
04:05they were delivered by postmen who wore red tunics
04:07and were known as redbreasts.
04:10Oh, yeah.
04:10Robin redbreasts.
04:11And so, the sight of the postman coming up the path in the snow...
04:16Was a harbinger of dooms.
04:17Was a harbinger of dooms.
04:18A dooms-stroke Christmas.
04:19A harbinger of postal orders.
04:21That's the most commonly accepted theory.
04:24And what is also interesting is that in the last...
04:27Yeah.
04:28...twenty years, maybe, number of robins and Christmas cards
04:31in Britain has declined enormously.
04:33Well, that's because that one looks like he's been doing Charlie.
04:36LAUGHTER
04:39He just looks like he's been abusing drugs.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:45He's done, isn't he?
04:47I think he was in our interest, briefly, isn't he?
04:49You can't get in a cubicle.
04:50Who are you would notice?
04:51Who are you?
04:53I've done.
04:53I'm perhaps one of the last few men in Britain
04:55who use cubicles to have a poo.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59Christmas, the thought of a little robin redbreast in there,
05:02just going...
05:04Who are you in a minute?
05:06LAUGHTER
05:07Whilst I'm touching Christmas cloth.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:11Touching Christmas cloth.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16This is already going slightly out of control.
05:18I think he's just...
05:19He's been at the gold top.
05:21That's all that is.
05:21He's been at the gold top.
05:22Yes, that's right.
05:23That's true, yeah.
05:24I think the first picture on a Christmas card
05:28was a furious middle-aged woman
05:32scrubbing at a roasting tray
05:34with a think-bubble coming out of her head
05:36which reads,
05:37The Ungrateful Shits.
05:39LAUGHTER
05:40It would be...
05:41It would be very accurate.
05:43But I've just finished my robin point,
05:44which was reasonably interesting,
05:46at least to me, if no-one else.
05:47And that is...
05:48No, go on.
05:48..that over the last ten years,
05:51the number of robins appearing in...
05:54Sorry!
05:56Over the last ten years,
05:57the number of robins appearing in Christmas clubs
05:59has declined by a quarter.
06:02But the number of robins in Britain,
06:04as the real birds,
06:05has increased by nearly a half.
06:08Exponentially.
06:08Yeah.
06:08Oh, right.
06:09And the question of how you sex them,
06:10how you tell them apart,
06:12it's not easy at all.
06:13No.
06:13But it's something to do with the hairline they have there,
06:16where the red turns into grey.
06:17That one on the right is wording just for men.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21It's said that if it's a kind of quite strong V,
06:24it's likely to be a female.
06:25And if it's more of a U, it's a male.
06:26But even ornithologists find it difficult.
06:29That's very true.
06:29It's impossible.
06:30Yeah.
06:31So, we'll turn to Jenny.
06:33What did Romans do at Christmas time?
06:35Erm, what did Romans...
06:37Well, they would feast and fornicate
06:39and puke up afterwards.
06:40Exactly.
06:41Nothing's changed, really, over the years.
06:44That's Christmas, basically.
06:45That's Christmas, yeah.
06:47Christmas tends to happen...
06:49Once a year.
06:50Once a year.
06:51LAUGHTER
06:56You are.
06:57So, she got her points for that.
06:58She got her points for that.
07:00Do you think that's too obvious?
07:01Not to me.
07:02The legitimate point is being scored.
07:03It's for life.
07:05Oh, right.
07:05Not just for...
07:06Oh, hang on.
07:07Right, right, right.
07:08So, there are mid-winter feasts and Christmas is one of them.
07:11Pagan feasts.
07:11Yeah.
07:12And the Roman one was Saturnalia.
07:14Saturnalia.
07:14Saturnalia.
07:15After the god Saturn.
07:16And there you can see...
07:17Oh, the divorce people are throwing up in the middle.
07:19Oh, didn't you?
07:20We did that in the stock room at Argos.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:25At Christmas.
07:27But the card that is closest to the first card ever sent...
07:31Yeah.
07:31...is Johnny's.
07:32Oh.
07:33The drinking baby.
07:35With a drink.
07:35It was similar to the first card which had actually a whole family with drinks, including a baby there.
07:40That's the original.
07:41Let me get this straight.
07:42For years, I've thought that I was raised in an unstable environment, when actually, my dad,
07:48every day has just been trying to promote the original Christmas card.
07:51Yes!
07:52LAUGHTER
07:54Exactly.
07:55And it was designed by John Calcutt Horsley.
07:59Royal...
07:59Royal Academy...
08:00Royal Academy...
08:01Royal Academy...
08:02No, no, I'm not going to have any...
08:03Royal Academy-tion.
08:04Royal Academy-tion.
08:04Royal Academy-tion.
08:05Royal Academy-tion.
08:06Royal Academy-tion.
08:07It was designed by John Calcutt Horsley, R.A.
08:10And, er...
08:12We...
08:13Very good.
08:13Nice.
08:14Got it out.
08:15And, as you see, it depicts a family all toasting Christmas and the New Year, including
08:19the toddler, there, in green, in front.
08:21And there's, on the left, a sign of feeding the poor, and on the right, a sign of clothing
08:26the naked.
08:27All the good things you should do.
08:28Oh, yes.
08:29On Christmas.
08:29If you see any naked people, clothe them.
08:31Yes.
08:32Question.
08:33Please do.
08:33Do not approach them.
08:35No.
08:36There we are.
08:37Now, the Queen has a Christmas message, as do we.
08:42In fact, as we approach the end of series 13, it's time for us to reveal that every episode
08:49of QI, every single one since the very first, has included a secret message which nobody
08:56has spotted.
08:57Where do you think it's hidden?
08:59Is it on your face?
09:04Have you just encrypted some, you know, delightful laughter lines into some Precious and Klingon?
09:13Merry Christmas.
09:15It's not on my face.
09:16Is it in the credits or the theme tune?
09:20The theme tune.
09:20The theme tune.
09:22What?
09:22No.
09:23Yes.
09:24It's in a code.
09:25What sort of code do you think it might be?
09:26Morse code.
09:27Morse code is the right answer.
09:28No, really?
09:29Yes!
09:37It was composed by the prolific Howard Goodall, who people will know from Vick and Dibley
09:43and Blackadder and many other theme tunes as well as a serious work.
09:47And his colleague Simon Nathan decoded this.
09:51And this is what it actually says.
09:53That is actually a decoding of the long and the shorts, the minims and the crotchets if
10:00you like in musical terms.
10:01And it does come out of www.alanzeroandstevenhero.com.
10:07And...
10:08That...
10:09That is...
10:10I know.
10:10I'm sorry.
10:12I didn't...
10:18I didn't know how to follow you.
10:20Years.
10:21Years.
10:21Years you've been...
10:22Like, in the stocks.
10:24Oh!
10:26That's you.
10:27Poor Alan.
10:28Well, I didn't know it until I was told either, Alan.
10:31It's not my duty.
10:32Oh!
10:32Oh, my God!
10:35What the hell is that?
10:37It's a knife.
10:38Was it a knife?
10:39It might be a knife.
10:40No, he's got a bad ankle.
10:41I'm just checking him out.
10:43I can't afford to keep him, OK?
10:49I won't.
10:50Wow.
10:51I've absolutely shat myself.
10:54Absolutely shat myself.
10:55Oh, my God.
10:58So, where were we?
10:59Where were we?
11:00Where were we?
11:00Oh!
11:01We were with this www.
11:02www.alan0.com.
11:05And you might find, ladies and gentlemen, including panelistas, that that is a real URL, a real
11:11web address that you can find a little QI Easter egg in if you visit it.
11:15Wow.
11:16If you've got nothing better to do with your lives.
11:19It's a jolly exciting thing to do with your lives.
11:22Ah, yes it is, of course.
11:23Oh, no.
11:24Oh, yes.
11:25Yes.
11:26So, this...
11:27Oh, yes, yes.
11:30I knew you had a big trouble.
11:36I mentioned to you that that hidden code was discovered by Simon Nathan.
11:40He's in the audience somewhere.
11:41Where are you, Simon?
11:41Is he wearing a nana rag?
11:43Oh, he's over there.
11:44He's not wearing a nana rag.
11:45Well done.
11:47Thank you very much.
11:49There are other TV shows have also hidden Morse code inside them.
11:56Have they?
11:56Yeah.
11:57Do you know of one?
11:57One quite well-known example.
11:59It's pretty obvious when you think about it.
12:00Loose women.
12:01Morse.
12:01Morse.
12:02Morse, yeah.
12:04The composer Barrington Falun.
12:07Yeah.
12:07Never!
12:08That's his name, yes, right.
12:09Barrington Falun.
12:10Nice job.
12:11Very nice thing.
12:12He used to hide the name of the murderer very often in the opening.
12:15Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-da.
12:17Yes.
12:18Wasn't it like this?
12:19Hang on, I've actually...
12:20Look, look.
12:20Oh, hello.
12:44What was the piccolo.
12:51giving the tune of a famous sitcom some mothers do have them some mothers do have them that one
13:00that one that exactly that was brilliant though you're absolutely right that was the tune and
13:04there's a building that gives off morse code a very famous building in hollywood uh wow well
13:09it's got a light flashing at the top it's not sound oh because of course morse code can be
13:14visual as well there it is capital records it's like a stack of discs and it flashes out this
13:21message here hollywood in morse code very simple but in 2013 it changed to announce katie perry's
13:27new album prism and its release date came out in morse code nobody noticed i'm not a demographic of
13:35katie perry's fans i'm just saying just saying well actually katie perry there's no real cross over
13:45oh yeah there's 100 000 fans sitting there with carrier pigeons
13:51if i had known it was morse
13:55in 2004 morse code added its first edition since world war ii which is
14:02see if you can guess what it is it's an addition to the morse alphabet if you like
14:15but do you know anything about him other than that he was the inventor of morse code he had an
14:19other job which is rather interesting he was a painter and he uh like it was commissioned to paint
14:27to paint paintings
14:29uh he wasn't appointees but he was commissioned to paint paintings seems very odd why would he be
14:38commissioned to paint well there's a flower in my hand
14:51you killed it i never thought i'd get it in a million years
14:57you're just looking for somewhere to sleep you just killed it you brute i'm so sorry
15:02never mind merry christmas everybody
15:06son of morse was a painter and he was commissioned to paint paintings because he lived in an era when
15:12there were no catalogues of course museums for example so he painted the argos catalogue he painted one
15:18he painted one famous painting six foot by nine yeah of the most well-known exhibits at the louvre museum
15:28so you could see them if you hadn't visited it so but you can see the mona lisa down there
15:33famously
15:34the best known quite good wasn't he yeah he was so he's a sort of copious yeah to give you
15:39an idea
15:39of what was in the museum of the best known ones in the museum if you didn't have a chance
15:42of getting
15:43to paris for example so next time yeah you think of seminal morse you can think of that as well
15:47as
15:47the ducks and dashes i will i'll think of him as a as a as a yeah public spirited i
15:53think that's
15:53genuinely interesting thank you oh all we hope for good gee i got logic he invented the internet
16:07it didn't wait the flies coming back to life
16:14i have to hold these thoughts i have nothing else no they're good thoughts thank you anyway we'll
16:19move on you'll move on and we may come back to that i very much doubt it but we may
16:26describe the plot of or sing a song from the popular musical the bathrooms are coming
16:33the bathrooms are coming oh god i need a sit
16:38oh can you do me cisterns are doing it for themselves
16:44oh
16:49coming lock up your pipes
16:51the bartons are coming
16:53the bartons are coming for your life
17:04they're coming for your souls
17:09i've had it installed now
17:13but there's nothing to pay till september
17:19i'm on a hp
17:22i need no debt collector ever gonna bring me down
17:31so they'd be very hot
17:33don't let the grout go moldy on me
17:42country western
17:45well if you're gonna do good to your best it's gonna be fixed shower head
17:50driving me wild
17:54can't find my crevices
17:57you know how hard i try
18:00you gotta put my leg up no don't
18:04pull my joke to the side
18:11oh
18:11thank you
18:13well that was a big surprise thank you very much
18:16do you know what that might be the bathrooms are coming written by a broadway musical
18:21composer but not for broadway was it a a bathroom
18:26yes the american standard they were called and this was one of many many many industrial musicals
18:33which had their heyday between 1950 and 1980 30 years of exciting musicals for conventions of various
18:39companies and their salesmen all over america and they would write specialist musicals just for the
18:45salesmen just for the conventioners not for the members of the public but they had big budgets and
18:49they were written by broadway uh serious broadway composers who hid their names i think yeah
18:55but that's an example of one the bathrooms are coming in an original musical presented by american
18:59standard as you can see the sound of selling bf goodrich 1966 sales meeting musical
19:05it's not exciting
19:07the saga of the dingbag this is the weirdest thing i've ever seen
19:10isn't it
19:11it's a little isn't it
19:12what's going on
19:14well when it started in the 50s by about 1955
19:18america made two-thirds made two-thirds of the world's goods two-thirds of manufacturing industry
19:23in the world was america was this at the height of this week's show was brought to you by
19:27roma cigarettes there was all that sponsorship going on yeah ed sullivan show and things like
19:33that yeah so wait hang on hang on a second oh yeah if you've a hankering for knowledge
19:39but can't be asked for college then this is the show for you
19:48yes
20:00thank you bill alan alan alan alan alan alan alan alan alan alan alan alan i'm aghast
20:13We could do this, I don't know, like funded by some kind of lightbulb company, put it
20:20on ice.
20:21Yes.
20:22Don't need to skate properly.
20:24Just skate out, deliver your lines and skate off.
20:29QI on ice.
20:32Stephen, don't look at your cards, think about it, just for a second.
20:36Please, we've got reality shorts full in arenas.
20:40QI on ice.
20:41Do you think that would work?
20:43I think so.
20:44Wouldn't you pay to see yourself?
20:46Wouldn't I pay to see myself on ice?
20:48Skate off.
20:49In a horse costume.
20:51In a horse costume.
20:52I would not part with anybody under any circumstance.
20:55Oh, come on.
20:56Sir.
20:58QI on ice, just think about it, just overnight, don't write it off straight away.
21:02I'll put it on ice.
21:06So, here are some lines from musicals in this golden era of the industry of musicals,
21:11as it was cool.
21:11And you have to tell me who the company was, really.
21:14Go.
21:14I can sell a wiener.
21:16My school...
21:16Sausages!
21:17Yes, wieners are sausages, right.
21:20But it goes a little further.
21:22You see, my school supplies are cleaner, I sell candy.
21:25So, a cake and seller, a sausage and candy.
21:28Walmart.
21:28Walmart.
21:29In the right area, it's a very well-known brand that sells things.
21:32Oh, from early in the morning to quite late at night.
21:347-Eleven.
21:357-Eleven.
21:36That's a good clue.
21:37Well, yeah.
21:38It was a bit of a hint, wasn't it?
21:39I was helping you.
21:40This one, you won't honestly know the name of the company, but it's...
21:43Any cola tastes so much coalier.
21:46Holy water is somewhat holier.
21:49They weren't trying, really, then.
21:50No.
21:51So, it's something that contains liquids.
21:54It's the Scott Paper Cup Company, that's what it is.
21:56Oh, right.
21:56This one is weird, because it makes Mad Men look positively modern in its attitude towards
22:01women and bosses.
22:02Though our boss never beats us, for that he'll never do.
22:07It always looks as though he does, because we are black and blue.
22:11With ribbons, ribbons, ribbons, ribbons.
22:14Typewriters, typewriters, isn't it?
22:16Monroe calculators.
22:17Oh.
22:18I really enjoyed my appendectomy.
22:20Loved my hysterectomy.
22:26Booper?
22:28It's Sergio Packford Disposable Surgical.
22:31Right.
22:32So...
22:33Implying that you sort of did it yourself.
22:35Yeah.
22:36Absolutely.
22:37I gave myself a lovely hysterectomy.
22:39Yes, I draw it on.
22:40How hard can it be?
22:41Yeah.
22:42Well, there you are.
22:43Industrial musicals were made to motivate.
22:46Whose music do cats like best?
22:51Is that cat listening to Purple Rain?
22:55I've already made a cat joke.
22:58I loved it.
22:59No good.
23:00It looks like it's in old Smokey.
23:02It looks like it's in an electric chair being...
23:04Oh!
23:07Sparky, I think, well, not Smokey.
23:10You're electrocuting that cat.
23:11He's not listening to anything.
23:12Is it jazz?
23:14Is it jazz?
23:14No, well, not jazz, actually.
23:16Perhaps, unsurprisingly, cats are not that interested in human music of any kind.
23:22Pretty much indifferent to it.
23:24Really?
23:25Yeah.
23:25But they do like music specially composed for them.
23:29Do they like birds?
23:30Cat music is...
23:31Well, it sounds like mouse and bird and, indeed, cat sounds.
23:39These are cats enjoying themselves, aren't they?
23:43Not being tormented.
23:45No cats for tormented in the making of this sequence.
23:48If you listen to the music, I love it.
23:51It's got slight calls and slight birds and...
23:54It's got hums.
23:55Yeah, cat noises in it as well.
23:57Yeah, but, is it true that cats don't meow to other cats only to humans?
24:06I've been genuine.
24:07No, I'm fascinated to the idea.
24:09I don't know.
24:09I'll go along with that.
24:10Yeah, yeah.
24:10I've had cats, and then you don't see them meow, they just kind of...
24:13They just...
24:15The body language...
24:16They hiss if they're fighting.
24:17They go up very close to them and go, yeah, you get the food, I'll go out the back.
24:22They're just whispering and hissing and all sorts of other noises.
24:25Yeah, but it's only with humours that they go...
24:27Meow.
24:28All right.
24:30Younger cats, more receptive to that sort of music than middle-aged ones.
24:33And some like it so much, they rub their faces against the speakers.
24:36They get very, very excited by it.
24:38And the same cat music composer...
24:41..is working with the Smithsonian National Zoo on cotton-topped tamarins.
24:45Oh.
24:46Who like silence more than music.
24:48How do they get the funding?
24:50Yes.
24:53But isn't there...
24:54Shouldn't there be a caught up fighting suddenly going,
24:56Oh, the cat doesn't like my music, I'll change my music.
24:58And then you go, oh, the cat can't work me cooker.
25:02I'll devise a cooker that the cat can use.
25:04Yeah.
25:05And then essentially you end up living in the cat's house.
25:08And you're sitting there on a bed of dead robins.
25:13Wondering why they don't feature on Christmas cards anymore.
25:18Isn't there a point where we should maintain the human-pet relationship?
25:21You're right, you've painted a nightmare scenario.
25:24Well, I just don't know how big the roof will be.
25:27No.
25:28No.
25:28None of us...
25:29None of us do.
25:31When you come home and you go through a flap,
25:34you know you've gone too far.
25:38Anyway, cats prefer their own music to Atomic Kitten or Cat Stevens.
25:43Now time for a short interval.
25:45Who wants an ice cream?
25:46Me, me, me, me.
25:48Yeah, go on.
25:49Take a couple.
25:50We've got some left over, of course not.
25:52Wow.
25:53There you go.
25:54Thanks.
25:54Johnny?
25:54Oh, yes, please.
25:56Thank you, my love.
25:57I've got chocolate.
25:58I don't really like chocolate.
25:59I've got raisin.
26:00I don't like raisin.
26:01Do you want a swap?
26:01Yes.
26:02No, I'd like vanilla, please.
26:07I've got strawberry.
26:09That'll do me.
26:10All right.
26:11Oh, you've already had a bit?
26:12Yes!
26:15How else would I know I didn't like it?
26:18I wonder what I did, just sniff it and lick it.
26:20Don't you?
26:23People who sniff...
26:24Don't take a lung, pal.
26:27You must have very warm hands, because this is already melting.
26:30Oh, my God!
26:32It's one of my super pals!
26:34Martin's turned into a slushie!
26:36Yes!
26:37You go to a dinner party and they've forgotten to get the ice cream out of the freezer and
26:40just hold it against my neck.
26:42What are that?
26:43And it's spoon-soft in seconds.
26:45Well, there's barely anything you need to...
26:46Take care of me!
26:47Wash it out!
26:50Right.
26:50I don't want to do this in front of Stephen.
26:52No.
26:52But then that's saying we're not for the ice cream.
26:55Just...
26:57Do you have it on my team?
26:59Do you have any HRT flavours?
27:03No, this is delicious.
27:04Thank you very much.
27:05It's good.
27:05This is what I think life will be like in a nursing home.
27:11What flavor have you got?
27:14So, what was the biggest nuisance in a Victorian theatre?
27:18What was the biggest nuisance in a Victorian theatre?
27:22What was the biggest nuisance in a Victorian theatre?
27:25What was the biggest nuisance in a Victorian theatre?
27:29Please!
27:29What was the biggest nuisance in a Victorian theatre?
27:35What was the biggest nuisance in a Victorian theatre?
27:35Oh my God!
27:37What was the biggest nuisance in a Victorian theatre?
27:41Yeah?
27:43Any thoughts?
27:44Ice cream?
27:46I...
27:47I...
27:47Genuinely...
27:47Don't worry, we don't need to...
27:48Was it people interacting?
27:50That was one of them.
27:52That was one of them.
27:52Was it...
27:52Was it the infamous female flasher who would invade a Victorian stage without her blooms,
28:00and she was called Fanny by Gaslight?
28:02Was it her?
28:03It wasn't that, no.
28:05Was it things going wrong, like machinery?
28:07Well, that...
28:08Those are all bad things.
28:09They are bad today, but what is actually still one of the worst things that can happen in the theatre?
28:13People eating sweets.
28:14That's bad.
28:15Is it a normal break?
28:15If you're in the audience, what is one of the most annoying things for you?
28:18Not just saying...
28:19Codra.
28:25You're stretching, Bill.
28:27It's good that you're thinking...
28:28TV.
28:30Rickets.
28:33If you stayed in for a very long time.
28:35How could it have been?
28:36Let's imagine, for example, the Victoria Theatre in London.
28:39Yeah.
28:40It had 2,200 people.
28:42When it came to the interval?
28:44Oh, the lavatories.
28:45The lavatories.
28:46How many lavatories do you think it had?
28:47Two.
28:47One.
28:48One.
28:48One lavatory.
28:49One lavatory.
28:502,200 people.
28:51This is an issue.
28:53Oh.
28:53Isn't it?
28:54It's not good.
28:54Nothing's changed.
28:55Nothing's changed in the way.
28:56Well, if things were even more problematic up north, it's certainly in the Theatre Royal
29:00in Newcastle, the Victorian era, where they actually installed lead lining on the floor
29:06of the balcony because urine was dropping down onto the people in the schools because people
29:11just peed where they sat because there was nowhere else to go.
29:15Lovely, lovely, Georgie.
29:16No, no.
29:18Careful, careful, eh?
29:19Just be careful.
29:21That's all I'm saying.
29:21I've got a pistol.
29:22It's pretty grim.
29:23So that was in 18...
29:24That was in 1837.
29:25That was a serious problem.
29:26And it's still a problem today, is it not?
29:28I think particularly for women.
29:30Absolutely.
29:31Sometimes you just have to invade the men.
29:33Yeah.
29:33I mean, we always hear of these Japanese funnels that are supposed to allow women...
29:37Yeah, to stand up.
29:38Yeah.
29:39I just go for the side swipe.
29:41Okay.
29:43Am I going to be able to picture this?
29:44It's sort of a dance move.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:47And a relief.
29:49Oh, yeah.
29:49But...
29:50I'm not going to demonstrate it now.
29:52LAUGHTER
29:52Which is a nice program.
29:54But it's not the male urinal, isn't that a...
29:55Could you not...
29:56I mean, isn't that...
29:57Is that usable?
29:58Well...
29:59As a lady?
30:00I...
30:01I can't see what is wrong...
30:04Oh, hello.
30:04With just going sort of like that.
30:06Yeah.
30:06To squat like that.
30:08Or you could hold yourself up between two parked cars.
30:12LAUGHTER
30:12Yes.
30:14Yes.
30:15Yes.
30:15Not that I've ever done that.
30:17LAUGHTER
30:17Weren't the girl guides taught to pee standing up?
30:21What?
30:21As a form of...
30:22Self-defence?
30:24I...
30:24I don't understand.
30:26What changed there were intervals.
30:28Intervals came more or less in time to coincide with the desire...
30:32Yeah.
30:32You know, they have what they call the Broadway Bladder, which is supposedly 75 minutes,
30:37which is the maximum average that people can go without having a pee.
30:42And cinemas often had intermissions in our childhood.
30:45Do you remember any particular...
30:46Zulu.
30:47I saw Zulu.
30:48Zulu had an intermission.
30:49And it was very frightening.
30:50And there were masses of Zulus coming over the hill.
30:53And then they had a break.
30:54Yeah.
30:54And when we came back, it wasn't quite so frightening.
30:56No.
30:57Well, the one I remember best was where there's a car going along,
31:00some green towards a cliff, and then suddenly they're going...
31:03As they go over the cliff, it's going straight down,
31:05and then it just goes intermission.
31:07And my brother and I were absolutely...
31:08We were just terrified.
31:10We had our choc ices and our Kia Ora orange drink,
31:12and all these other things, and then came back.
31:15And then it picked it up from there again.
31:17The car goes down, and then suddenly it flies.
31:19And it was just the most heroic moment in all scene.
31:25And we went back again and again and again.
31:28Nothing will ever recapture that moment.
31:30No?
31:30So wonderful.
31:31I was happy then.
31:32You know?
31:34And now this.
31:35My first.
31:36Oh, that's a lovely story.
31:38Yeah, thank you, yes.
31:39And quite interesting.
31:40Yeah.
31:41Other films, The Godfather, Sound of Music,
31:43they all had intermissions too.
31:44Really big movies.
31:46Hitchcock said the length of a film should be directly related
31:48to the endurance of the human bladder.
31:50Yeah.
31:51About seven minutes with me.
31:53Yeah.
31:54Now, who's the worst person to sit next to at a silent movie?
31:59Alan Davis.
32:01I'd rather bolted my ice cream.
32:03Yeah, you did, didn't you?
32:03Yeah, it was just forecasting.
32:06Have you, did you, could you?
32:08No, I'd slightly belt.
32:10Would it be someone telling you the plot?
32:12Someone talking?
32:13Telling the plot, yes, kind of.
32:15That is very annoying.
32:16Yes.
32:16How were plots laid out in silent movies?
32:19I mean, obviously there was no dialogue as such.
32:21Cards.
32:21Cards.
32:22Cards.
32:22Cards would come in these captions.
32:24Which would.
32:25Reading out the captions.
32:26Reading out the captions.
32:27Memoing.
32:27Number one annoyance in the days of silent movies apparently.
32:31No, various others.
32:32And they were very concerned about how people should behave.
32:35So they, they put out these things.
32:36And the cinemas themselves had these cards at the beginning telling people,
32:40as you can see.
32:41Loud talking and whistling not allowed.
32:44Please applaud.
32:44Please applaud with hands only.
32:47I suppose it means don't cat call and don't, you know, step your feet.
32:51Or slap the buttocks together or something.
32:53Madam, how would you like to sit behind the hat you are wearing?
32:58Yes.
32:59So people would actually, they would come in and go, look out!
33:01And they would all shout, look out!
33:03Yes.
33:04Exactly.
33:04It's exceedingly annoying.
33:05Yeah.
33:06But then, watching the films in America is great though.
33:09In New York particularly.
33:10Because the whole crowd get involved.
33:11And they all shout.
33:12Yeah.
33:12And they just, I went to see the Lord of the Rings in New York.
33:16Just the best experience.
33:18Because in the, in the fight scenes, people shouting out, kick that arke's ass!
33:21Ha!
33:23Don't get it!
33:24Damn!
33:25It's true.
33:26Damn you had that arke!
33:27It's fantastic!
33:28Well, there are certain other bits of cinema etiquette which now are very common.
33:32Which is if you happen to know how a film turns out.
33:36You're not supposed to tell anybody on social media.
33:38No.
33:38Or at least if you do.
33:39No spoilers.
33:40Blog or review.
33:40You put in capital letters.
33:42Spoiler alert.
33:43Spoiler alert.
33:44And yet, there's a thing called the spoiler paradox.
33:47Do you mean about this?
33:48Mmm.
33:48It's more fun if you know.
33:49It's more fun if you know.
33:50If you actually know how a film turns out.
33:52Mmm.
33:53You are more likely to enjoy it.
33:54Uh, quite appreciable.
33:56No, I don't know.
33:56The thing, I like the film, the films I like the most are the ones with no expectation.
34:00They haven't been tainted in advance in any way.
34:02And then it all unfolds before you.
34:04I sort, I think I prefer that.
34:05I forget anyway.
34:07People tell me something.
34:08Anyway, make sure you mind your manners at the movies.
34:11Now, Christmas comes and goes.
34:14But, uh, one thing that's never out of season is general ignorance.
34:17So, fingers on buzzers, please.
34:18Uh, it's a moonlit Christmas night in the city.
34:23And you can see just fine.
34:24But then the moon goes behind a cloud.
34:27What happens next?
34:29Oh, no it isn't!
34:31You turn into a wolf.
34:34Wouldn't that be when the moon came out?
34:36Uh, yes.
34:37Oh, yes.
34:38Oh, yes.
34:39That's right.
34:40That's why it's not working out.
34:41The moon goes behind a cloud.
34:42Oh, yes it is!
34:44Does it actually become brighter?
34:46Yes!
34:47Very good!
34:48Spot on!
34:52The extra point is you can tell me why.
34:56There's already light bouncing off the earth.
34:58Uh, uh, uh, uh, yes.
35:00I mentioned we were in the city there.
35:02London is burning huge amounts of light.
35:04If the moon goes behind a cloud and the clouds are covering the sky,
35:08then the light bounces back from the clouds.
35:10And it increases, it magnifies the light by a considerable amount.
35:14Whereas if it's a completely cloudless night, even with a bright big full moon,
35:19that's less light than you get in the reflection.
35:22And this has been found to be true even in the countryside.
35:25Ice cream makes you intelligent!
35:29The brightest area, uh, yeah, the brightest area was in Sripliden in the Netherlands,
35:33where the sky was 10,000 times lighter than the darkest night sky.
35:37Tomatoes were grown there and the greenhouse lights were up.
35:40Good lord.
35:41Too incredible for words.
35:43Aye, time for some Christmas music.
35:46What did the boys in the NYPD choir sing?
35:50Oh!
35:51I don't know what you do!
35:53Galway Bay?
35:54Don't!
35:54No!
35:55Don't you know by now?
35:58I thought I'd take my routine.
36:00Firstly, they can't have done because there is no NYPD choir at all.
36:05The NYPD people they brought into the video were the pipe band, in fact,
36:09of the New York Police Department.
36:11And we're talking about the Pogues, Shane McGowan, singing Fairytale of New York.
36:15The greatest Christmas song ever.
36:17The greatest Christmas song ever.
36:18Exactly.
36:18But they came and they...
36:20It's a pretty thin competition, though, isn't it, really?
36:21Eh?
36:21It's a pretty thin competition.
36:22Well, it's mistletoe and wine and that.
36:26So the pipe band came in and they didn't know Galway Bay.
36:29Right.
36:30They were supposed to sing it.
36:31And so, instead, they sang the Mickey Mouse Club.
36:35And it was slightly slowed down and it fitted to the words of Galway Bay, apparently.
36:40So you couldn't tell.
36:41Is it?
36:42But!
36:43There are more points.
36:44If you can tell me, Shane McGowan's band, the Pogues, of course.
36:47Why is it called the Pogues and what does that mean?
36:49Oh, I know this.
36:50Oh, he revised it.
36:52I knew it would come up.
36:53No.
36:54I did once know this.
36:56Well, it's Pogues Mahone.
36:57That means kiss my arse.
36:59That's it.
37:00That's it.
37:00Kiss my arse in Irish.
37:02Front pleasing.
37:03I had one night out with him and my thumb has never been the same again.
37:06It won't...
37:07I can't bend it properly.
37:08I'm just picturing a night out with Johnny Vegas.
37:12He was reading a book on architecture and I was just in a foul mood.
37:17And we got drinking together and I...
37:20Yeah, I fell.
37:22And I couldn't get out.
37:24I fell in a little gully and my head was chapped.
37:27So I just lay there for three hours going, help.
37:30And we all fell asleep after saying,
37:32some kind of neighbours you are.
37:36Well, that's absolutely amazing.
37:39Now, on which bank holiday is it most likely to snow?
37:43Easter Monday.
37:45Is the right...
37:47No!
37:47Yes.
37:51Yes.
37:51Yes.
37:52Very good.
37:54Very good.
37:55And...
37:57Actually, statistically it is more likely to snow as an Easter bank holiday than it is over the Christmas.
38:04Even though Easter moves.
38:05It's rubbish, isn't it?
38:05I was out with the old man on a hot June day and there are lots of people driving in
38:11their open-top cars down the King's Road as they would.
38:14And the old man, who knows everything, said, do you know that there are only six days a year where
38:20people with open-top sports cars can put their tops down.
38:23Wow.
38:24That made me feel better about that.
38:25And that was one of them.
38:25Yeah, yeah.
38:26There's so few good days in this country and so that's why I thought it was quite likely to be
38:30an Easter Monday.
38:31That's true.
38:32Because we, as a nation, we, per capita, own more convertible cars than any other country in Europe.
38:41So optimistic.
38:43I'm having a good number out, yeah.
38:44Yeah.
38:45Yeah.
38:45December averaged 3.9 days of snow.
38:48Right.
38:49And March had 4.2.
38:50Oh.
38:51You are more likely to see a white Easter than a white Christmas.
38:54Can you give me a line from the world's first panto?
38:59Yeah.
39:00Go!
39:00Go on.
39:01He's behind you.
39:03Yeah!
39:04Oh, you made me do that!
39:07You're a bad man.
39:08And that was your buzzer, isn't it?
39:10She did so well on Easter Monday and you've just sabotaged her.
39:12Yeah.
39:12Yeah!
39:13I don't know.
39:14It was quite great.
39:15Anyway.
39:15No.
39:15First pantomime.
39:16What were pantomimes originally?
39:19A pantomime?
39:19Oh, silent.
39:20A pantomime.
39:20They were silent.
39:21A mime.
39:22Yeah, unlike mimes, oddly enough.
39:23Yeah.
39:24Pantomime was a character in a Roman play.
39:26It represented all kinds of mythological things and he never spoke.
39:30Wow.
39:31Terrifying.
39:32You'd be hard to prester-shift tickets for that though, wouldn't you?
39:36Oh, my God.
39:37Look at that.
39:38That's an oud in Lady Gaga.
39:41Isn't it Zoidberg from Futurama?
39:44Yeah.
39:45Nothing screams festive like a shin-kicking contest between...
39:49Two people for human life has gone very wrong.
39:54Well, the first pantomime was silent and only had one person in the cast.
39:57So let's take a look at the scores.
39:59Oh, my actual, actual.
40:01In fourth place, a brilliant first appearance and actually an incredibly high score by any
40:06QI standards.
40:07On minus two, it's Jenny Eclair.
40:09Thank you so much.
40:10APPLAUSE
40:16In third place with minus one, Bill Bailey.
40:20CHEERING
40:21Fair enough I understand why.
40:25When two giants meet at Christmas, who can it be?
40:28Who's the winner, who's the winner here?
40:29In second place with eight points, it's...
40:32Johnny Vegas!
40:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:36What a bad one!
40:38Almost done.
40:40The winner on 11 is Alan Davis!
40:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:49So that's all from Jenny, Johnny, Bill and Alan.
40:52But before we go, I have one more trick up my sleeve.
40:55Right. Let's see.
40:57Now, here's the box in which I keep my luggage.
41:01There we go, like so.
41:04Oh, let's see.
41:07That's, er...
41:08Now, in my luggage, I keep a very Christmassy item.
41:14It's, er...
41:15Well, everyone should keep in their luggage, really.
41:17It's a big surprise.
41:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:22You need a hand.
41:24OK.
41:25There you go.
41:27Splendid.
41:28Oh, hello.
41:29I have a surprise for you, Stephen.
41:30Oh, no.
41:31My name is Scott Penrose.
41:33I'm the president of the Magic Circle.
41:35And if you're a member of the Magic Circle,
41:36you have to have taken a test.
41:38And throughout the series of QI,
41:40you've been doing various magical experiments.
41:43So it's with a great deal of pleasure...
41:44No!
41:45...to announce that Stephen Fry
41:47that Stephen Fry is now formally a member of the Magic Circle.
41:49Oh!
41:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:54...
41:54...
41:54...
42:27Merry Christmas, everybody.
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