- 17 hours ago
First broadcast 8th January 2016.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Cariad Lloyd
Dermot O'Leary
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Phill Jupitus
Cariad Lloyd
Dermot O'Leary
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI.
00:05Tonight we are making a meal of it with a muster of master chefs.
00:10On tonight's mouth-watering menu,
00:13mincing his words, Phil Jupiters.
00:19Mixing hermeticos, Carriac Lloyd.
00:25Marinating in his own juices, Dermot O'Leary.
00:32And with a soggy bottom, Alan Davies.
00:39So, let's hear their buzzers. Carriac goes.
00:44Who's glorious food?
00:47Nice. Phil goes.
00:49Hot, sausage, mustard.
00:52Dermot goes.
00:54While we're in mood,
00:56cold jelly and custard.
01:01And Alan goes.
01:11What's missing, what's missing from this menu?
01:17Three tortoises.
01:23Can you imagine the anal retentives looking at that picture at home?
01:30I just want to say hair.
01:31But that...
01:36Welcome to our world, Carriac.
01:38Thank you, thank you.
01:38Very good.
01:39No, it's the tortoises and the hair, not, sadly.
01:42Just the hair.
01:4369 tortoises.
01:4369 tortoises.
01:4469.
01:45And the bitch ain't one.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:53That's what we were thinking of.
01:54Is that a song?
01:54Is that a song?
01:56I believe it's popular in the hit parade right now.
01:58You've had that on radio too, I'm sure.
02:00What do we know about tortoises and cousins?
02:03They're old.
02:05There's one that just died.
02:06It was around in George III.
02:08Yes, there was.
02:09There was one that died in India.
02:10How do you know if it was dead?
02:11Belonged to Clive of India.
02:13Sorry?
02:13You'd have to wait a few months to be sure it was dead.
02:16Oh, just asleep, don't bury it.
02:19I've got it.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:21Why do you think they have such enormous shells?
02:24They've got big TVs.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:27Lot of stuff, lot of belongings.
02:29That's the thing about getting old, you look around,
02:31you think, my God, look how much shit I've got.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:35If you were an agoraphobic tortoise.
02:38It's better than being a claustrophobic.
02:40Yeah, yeah.
02:41LAUGHTER
02:42There's three in London Zoo,
02:44and the oldest is about 90...
02:46Good night, cos they live to about 150, right?
02:48Oh, indeed, and as Karen said, even longer.
02:50There's one that was...
02:52Darwin's tortoise.
02:53..at the time of Mozart, that only died a few years ago.
02:54I was going to say, cos Darwin's tortoise died recently,
02:56or was he still around?
02:57Well, interestingly, there was a story that Alan may remember
03:01of Darwin and giant.
03:04Oh, yeah, didn't they all get eaten on the boat?
03:06Yeah, they were so delicious, that's the point.
03:09Wouldn't it be brilliant if the origin of species
03:11just halfway through turned into a cookbook?
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14And basically putting to all members of the Royal Society,
03:19everything is bloody delicious.
03:22LAUGHTER
03:23Well, funnily enough, Darwin, at Cambridge,
03:25was a member of a club which specialised in eating rare animals.
03:29Oh.
03:29And he loved that.
03:30So he obviously...
03:31So that is why he went, for recipes?
03:33Well, it's one of his interests, was maybe...
03:35Dear diary, today I tasted delicious dodo.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:42Rrrr!
03:45Well, to return to our question, yes, these tortoises,
03:48I was girding you towards the idea that they might have been delicious,
03:51because they are evidence of the first ever human feast.
03:57First ever menu?
03:58Rather than just eating a real feast.
04:01And there were 71 tortoises consumed at this feast,
04:05it would seem, from archaeological evidence.
04:07So, when Aram said there were three tortoises missing from that list...
04:12Yeah.
04:12...in fact, there were two missing.
04:14Well...
04:14Because it should have been 71 instead of 69.
04:18So you're going to have to have a point for that.
04:19Well, that's why not.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:24That's very good.
04:26I'm plus one, so I'm not going to speak again.
04:29LAUGHTER
04:31There was a female shaman's body discovered next to all these shells,
04:35and it seems there was a giant feast.
04:37It was 12,000 years ago.
04:40It seems just...unfair, really.
04:43Yep.
04:43You're basically, you're born with a wok on your back.
04:46LAUGHTER
04:46A original microwave meal.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:49It taught us.
04:51Just pierce the top.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:55It was 12,000 years ago, guys.
04:57I wasn't there.
04:58I didn't eat them.
04:59Too soon.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:01If it was anything like a micro-meal,
05:03you stab it lots of times, don't you?
05:05LAUGHTER
05:05You're never sure how many they mean when they say...
05:08Have you got a set number you do when you...
05:11Kind of.
05:11Do you ever do the microwave?
05:12Oh, the idea of you at the microwave.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16I had to do it in TV dramas where...
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20I was playing a rough type.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24LAUGHTER
05:24Yeah, of course I have.
05:25My microwave annoys me.
05:26I used to have one that just went ping.
05:28That was fine.
05:29Ping, it's finished.
05:31Simple.
05:31Come and get it, don't get it, whatever.
05:33We're just letting you know.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:35Now we've got one that goes...
05:37Beep.
05:38Beep.
05:39Beep.
05:40Beep.
05:40Beep.
05:41As your food slowly reverses out of the kitchen.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:49I wish it would.
05:51And I'm at the other end going...
05:53I know!
05:55In a minute!
05:56Sorry, the microwave's pissing me off.
05:59And then the friff...
06:00We leave the fridge open, it goes...
06:02Beep.
06:02Beep.
06:02Beep.
06:03Beep.
06:06Beep.
06:06Beep.
06:07Oh, Jesus, it must be like living...
06:09Must be like living with craft work.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:12You can get them all synced up right.
06:14Yeah.
06:16But these weren't microwaved, were they, Stephen?
06:19These were not microwaved, they were...
06:20Before time.
06:21They were...
06:21They were roasted in their shells.
06:23Alive, probably?
06:24Yeah.
06:24Heroes in the half shell.
06:26Very sad.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:27Very sad.
06:29Yeah.
06:31Leonardo, Donatello...
06:32LAUGHTER
06:32LAUGHTER
06:41So, when might the first menu have appeared?
06:43When did you guess the archaeology discovered the first actual menu
06:47as opposed to signs of a feast?
06:48Oh, the first menu...
06:49The Chinese were the first people, I thought.
06:52They did discover one in ancient Egypt.
06:54Oh, yeah.
06:55Oh, really?
06:55And it was quite detailed.
06:56It was for the celebration feast for two twins that had been born,
07:00one of whom became Ramses II, so it was quite an important event.
07:03This was a menu actually not for the diners.
07:06For the camels?
07:07No.
07:08Were they for the chefs?
07:09Yeah, for the kitchens.
07:10Oh, right.
07:10The first record that we have of a menu for diners is actually French.
07:1518th century French ones.
07:16They used to have where people could choose their food.
07:20The oldest known feast was totally delicious.
07:23That was the menu for the world's first shared feast.
07:28Right?
07:28That's coming!
07:30Why wouldn't you want to share a meal with these men?
07:34They'd kill you.
07:35Yeah.
07:37Look, it looks like...
07:38As you can see, they've got napkins and napkin rings.
07:41That doesn't mean they won't kill you.
07:42No, it doesn't.
07:43Well, they would.
07:44The meal might.
07:46Oh.
07:46One of these men invented Pringles.
07:51Was it the one with the moustache?
07:54I have an idea for a tubular-based potato snack.
08:01You laughed at my moustache, you won't laugh at my potato-based tubular snack.
08:07See if you can place a date on this.
08:09Is it right?
08:10Um, 20s.
08:11Early 20s.
08:121910.
08:13Oh, no.
08:13Closer.
08:14Oh.
08:1519...9.
08:16Closer still.
08:181908.
08:21This guy's on fire!
08:23It's between 1902 and 1906, that picture, probably.
08:26Edwardians.
08:27Yeah, Edwardian if it were English, but it's not.
08:29Oh, are they French?
08:30Not even French.
08:32American.
08:33It's the United States, yes.
08:33Wasn't it the Americans who introduced certain cutlery?
08:37They have a word for cutlery.
08:38They do use the word cutlery, but in certain places in America, they very rarely use cutlery.
08:42They use another word for it.
08:43Do you know what that is?
08:44Hands.
08:46They call it flatware.
08:48Where do they get the plastic kettle from the late 1990s?
08:53That's true.
08:54More friction, suddenly.
08:55Strangely popped in.
08:56All right, okay.
08:57There's a guy from T-Fowl's got a TARDIS.
08:59He nips back in time.
09:01Share a meal with this.
09:02Not a bad idea.
09:03It's a bad idea.
09:04Poison?
09:04They eat lethal foods.
09:06They eat people.
09:08No, they didn't eat people.
09:09They were paid in meals.
09:12Three meals a day was their reward for eating...
09:16Food.
09:16...poison, or at least eating additives that could be considered dangerous.
09:20Oh, my God.
09:21It was the first move on the part of the US Department of Agriculture to codify the possibility of additives
09:27being something that should be regulated.
09:29And so they got these volunteers who swiftly gained the nickname The Poison Club.
09:35And they ate some extraordinary things.
09:38October 1902 to July 1903, they experimented with eating borax.
09:43Their Christmas menu was apple sauce, borax, soup, borax, turkey, borax, borax, canned sweet beans, sweet potatoes, white potatoes, turnips,
09:54borax, chipped beef, cream gravy, cranberry sauce, celery pickles, rice pudding, milk, bread and butter, tea, coffee, and little borax.
10:01They were well fed, didn't they?
10:02I don't like borax!
10:05You're having it.
10:06I told you, it's Christmas and everyone's having borax.
10:10Your dad likes it.
10:11Now, Andy Williams with a very borax Christmas.
10:15Can you name something that we use borax for today?
10:18Is it an element?
10:19It's cleaning.
10:19It's not a chemical.
10:20It's cleaning, isn't it?
10:22It's cleaning as a detergent.
10:23But it's used as a fire retardant.
10:25Oh.
10:26And an antifungal compound.
10:29Quite useful to have in your system then, really.
10:32It's just some poison and flames.
10:34Yeah.
10:35Well, that's true.
10:36I have no record of any of them actually dying, but they were weighed and their blood pressure was taken
10:41and their pulse and everything else.
10:43Until 1912 when they introduced LD50 testing and then it all went tits up.
10:47It did.
10:48And in 1906, Congress passed a couple of acts.
10:51The Meat Inspection Act and the Pure Food and Drug Act, which was to help with food for the first
10:58time.
10:58That's the point.
10:59So there you are.
11:00Never accept a dinner invitation from the poison squad.
11:03Who likes to feast on a breakfast menu of horse manure, rancid pickled mudfish, Thai boy shrimp and big cock
11:13shrimp paste?
11:15It's the Vietnamese.
11:17It's the Vietnamese.
11:17It's the Vietnamese.
11:17This is items I got sent some big cock paste.
11:22And that was an order went terribly wrong in your house.
11:26It exists, big cock shrimp paste and Thai boy shrimp paste.
11:29Yeah.
11:29They both exist.
11:30I'm married to a Norwegian.
11:33And they eat a dish all over the way called lutefisk, which is a jellified fish.
11:38And it's cod, really.
11:41But they bury it, I think, then dry it out.
11:44And then they serve this for me, my in-laws.
11:46Those bastards.
11:50They saw you coming, mate.
11:52They saw you coming.
11:53My mother-in-law made me a fish pie.
11:54It was delicious.
11:57So I ate this thing, and I did what we always do when you don't really like something,
12:02and you're around someone's house or something.
12:03Oh, God!
12:07What is this?
12:10So I just ate it really quickly.
12:12By which point, obviously, my mother-in-law then said,
12:16fantastic, you must have some more.
12:18That's the trouble.
12:19And I finished, and I thought, I've got to be honest with them.
12:21And I said at the end, I said, look, I'm really sorry, but I've got to be honest.
12:25I really don't like it.
12:26And they went, oh, God, we hate it.
12:27We're only serving it because you're...
12:28LAUGHTER
12:31That's just...
12:31That's...
12:32That's...
12:32That's Norwegian...
12:33That's Norwegian dead word.
12:34That's brilliant.
12:35Well, it may be the case.
12:36That's what this particular feaster on these foods also thinks,
12:41but it seems unlikely because it's not human.
12:43I was going to say, is it an animal?
12:45It is a living creature.
12:47A very beautiful creature.
12:48A flamingo.
12:50Not a flamingo.
12:51It's one you can find in Britain.
12:52In fact, it's in Britain that it's offered this food regularly.
12:54Once a year.
12:55It's a sort of tribute to its beauty.
12:57And it...
12:58It's Prince Philip.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:05APPLAUSE
13:10Well...
13:10Has it got four legs?
13:12Six.
13:13Six legs.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17Is it an ant?
13:19It's not an ant, but it is definitely an insect.
13:22Is it a bee?
13:23No, but it's a flying insect.
13:25Is it a fly?
13:26LAUGHTER
13:27Is it a...
13:27Has the word fly in its...
13:29It's a family name.
13:30Butterfly.
13:30Butterfly.
13:31Butterfly.
13:31Butterfly.
13:32A species of butterfly.
13:34There it is.
13:35Very beautiful butterfly.
13:36It's a purple emperor.
13:38Oh, wow.
13:39A cock-hungry purple emperor.
13:44Yes?
13:45Er...
13:46Settled on my belle.
13:48LAUGHTER
13:50At four o'clock in the morning.
13:52Oh, dear.
13:52I was out in the garden the other day and I was admiring a cock-hungry purple emperor.
13:56LAUGHTER
13:57Am I red-hot poker?
13:59No.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:02There was paste everywhere.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:07Oh, dear.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:11LAUGHTER
14:12The poor butter couldn't take off.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15LAUGHTER
14:17Now, calm down.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20Anyway, they live in the trees high up.
14:22You say, well, how do they know that they have a taste for all this?
14:25Well, they've been observed in midsummer coming down from their usual feeding areas high in the trees
14:30and going for cup hats, that sort of thing, and other really rotting and horrible things.
14:36And so, because they're so admired, particularly in Northamptonshire where this takes place,
14:40a little picnic is spread out for them in midsummer, including rancid pickled mudfish,
14:46foxgat, stinking big cock shrimp paste, and Thai boy shrimp paste.
14:51And they seem to like this.
14:53Possibly because of its sodium content.
14:55No-one's quite sure, but it's a kind of weird thing.
14:58If you find yourself in midsummer in Northamptonshire...
15:01..follow the smell.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:03All lots of those beautiful animals.
15:06In a forest, they lay this out, did you say?
15:08In a clearing.
15:09In a clearing.
15:09Cos you could get into real trouble if you go looking for a dodgy smell in a forest.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:13If you go looking for the smell of sodium and shrimp paste.
15:16You might walk in something other than a butterfly celebration.
15:20That's the same.
15:21Especially in Northamptonshire.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:25What are you implying?
15:26Especially in Northamptonshire.
15:28Just suggesting.
15:30LAUGHTER
15:30They're not indulging butterfly dogging.
15:32Is that what you're saying?
15:33Maybe.
15:35Anyway, it's a beautiful animal.
15:37The purple emperor butterfly likes to start its day with rancid pickled mudfish,
15:41thai boy shrimp paste and big cock shrimp paste.
15:45Mmm.
15:48LAUGHTER
15:48What's that?
15:50That's fair.
15:51Why are you 12?
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Come on.
15:56Come on.
15:56When will the phrase big cock shrimp paste not be funny?
16:00LAUGHTER
16:00Never.
16:02All right.
16:03Speaking of mornings, where's the worst place to be if you're not a morning person?
16:10Funeral.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:12You see, you know me well enough to know that I say morning for that guy.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:17I didn't say morning.
16:18For so many things.
16:19I love morning.
16:20Um, is there somewhere where it's morning all the time or something like that?
16:25Not quite all the time, but you get a lot of mornings.
16:28Some human beings have experienced it.
16:30The space station.
16:31Yes, the International Space Station.
16:33Oh, that's very good.
16:34How many mornings do you think you get in a 24-hour period if you're zooming around?
16:39I suppose, I did a show there last year.
16:41You go 17,500 miles an hour and it laps a planet every 90 minutes.
16:47Someone else do the maths.
16:48LAUGHTER
16:49That's a very good info.
16:50Yeah, it's 15 mornings you get in a 24-hour period.
16:54An incredible astronaut called Luca Parmitano, who I interviewed last year, almost drowned
16:58in his own space suit because their cooling fluid started leaking into his helmet.
17:02And just as they said, listen, we've got to get you back into the airlock, which was, you
17:06know, it was on a five-hour space walk, the sun went down like that.
17:11And so he immediately, he was just in pitch black, pitch darkness.
17:14He had to go back, he had to find his way all the way through.
17:16And I said to him, how weren't you panicking?
17:18And he said, it's just training.
17:20You know it so well, because they've got the biggest swimming pool in the world there
17:23that they train on, like, underwater.
17:24And he said that he was just able to feel every part of the space station.
17:28He knew exactly where he was.
17:30That's absolutely wonderful.
17:32It's a great story of survival.
17:33The best ISS story that they told me when I was over there, because the Russians built
17:37half of it and the Americans built half of it.
17:39And so they had to link when they got, you know, 250 miles above the Earth.
17:45And, excuse me being crude, but one half has to be the female and one half has to be the
17:50male.
17:51Yeah.
17:51I.e.
17:53And neither the Russians or the Americans wanted to be the female.
17:58Oh.
17:59Good.
17:59Unbelievable, isn't it?
18:00So they had to redesign.
18:03So did a monkey grip?
18:04Yeah, pretty much.
18:05Locked in like that.
18:07Childish beyond belief.
18:10Can they redesign everything?
18:14We can all just monkey grip.
18:17That sounds great.
18:18I was with them as far as that, but I didn't know what clock was.
18:23I mean, I've not been putting myself through 45 degrees and I've been making a mistake.
18:27Maybe.
18:28That's why I've got two girls.
18:31Didn't follow through.
18:33When...
18:33Carry on till there was a click.
18:38There's some more that Dermot may well know.
18:41How do you brush your teeth in space?
18:43I don't know.
18:44Do you use a powder or something?
18:45You brush them normally, but it's afterwards, you obviously can't spit it out.
18:49Swallow it.
18:50So you swallow it or you spit it into a towel.
18:53Yeah.
18:54Showering.
18:55Oh no.
18:56Wet wipes.
18:57Wet wipes, isn't it?
18:57Wet wipes.
18:58Can't do it.
18:59Can't shower.
19:00Space wipes.
19:00You can put space on everything.
19:01Space wipes!
19:03I've got to use my space brush and my space towel.
19:06It's called it...
19:07It's like Glastonbury though, isn't it?
19:08You can't, you know, quite often you can't get access to showers at Glastonbury, so you just
19:11take a lot of wet wipes.
19:13Yeah.
19:13Or a jade cloth and some bleach.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16It's called a cat's lick wash.
19:18I like that.
19:19Plus, it's certain...
19:21It's London play.
19:22A cat's lick, you get a flannel, cat's lick.
19:25Oh, that's pretty good.
19:25You just do the bits that matter.
19:27But they're quite keen on organics at Glastonbury.
19:30Do you think they have trained cats?
19:33LAUGHTER
19:33I'm sure they do.
19:35And I'm sure those cats know how to monkey grip as well.
19:37Now, I have a fact for you which I want you to explain how this can be true, and it
19:41is true.
19:42The first British woman in space...
19:45Sue Barker.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:47And Helen Sharman, right?
19:49Helen Sharman.
19:50Not just the first British woman in space, the first Briton in space.
19:53Yeah.
19:53She came from Mars.
19:55OK.
19:57Is Mars a place in Northampton too?
19:59No, it's not.
20:02It's not.
20:02Slough?
20:03That's where they make Mars part.
20:04Yes.
20:05She worked for Mars before she worked for the space agency.
20:08She came from Mars.
20:09Oh.
20:10She might have come from, you know, Walker's Crisp or something.
20:12She came from Mars.
20:14In fact, she worked on the team that created the...
20:16The Milky Way.
20:17...Mars part ice cream.
20:18Oh.
20:18That deserves going into space.
20:20It is.
20:20And it's the way she became an astronaut is entirely pleasing.
20:24Competition winner.
20:25LAUGHTER
20:26She was driving along and she heard on the radio, the car radio, she heard an advert that
20:32just said, astronauts wanted, no previous experience necessary.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:37And she applied and she got it and she became the first Briton in space.
20:41I think that's really fabulous.
20:42I miss those adverts.
20:43Yeah.
20:44It's great, isn't it?
20:45Yeah, it is.
20:50Now, from breakfast time to teat time, name two things you can get from a kangaroo's
20:56nipple.
20:58LAUGHTER
20:59Did you see that when I said teat time, I said teat time?
21:04Yes.
21:04That's clever, wasn't it?
21:05I bet they don't lactate.
21:07Oh, they do.
21:07Is it a trick?
21:08No, they do lactate.
21:09They do lactate.
21:10And that's what's so interesting.
21:11No, because they have little babies.
21:11Can't submit 4X out of one.
21:13Foster's out of there.
21:15They have little babies that are born...
21:18They're almost still foetuses, right?
21:19No, they're like little maggots, they love.
21:21They're tiny little wriggly things, called joeys, as I'm sure you know.
21:23And then they have to crawl to the pouch.
21:25They crawl all the way up there off their own.
21:26And the nipples are in the pouch.
21:28But there might be a much older brother or sister in there.
21:31In the same pouch.
21:32Oh, they can do something with their eggs, can't they?
21:34If they're nursing one joey, they can hold off the egg from another, or they can...
21:38Well, no, actually, quite the reverse.
21:39Because they can have two joeys who are completely different ages.
21:42Different ages.
21:43And have different needs.
21:44Yeah.
21:45That's the thing.
21:46So, there they are, and there are all these nipples.
21:48And the nipples know whether it's a young joey who needs a kind of semi-skimmed milk,
21:53which is not so very rich and strong and thick.
21:56And there's the older joey, another nipple, or even the same nipple later on,
22:00and it will know that it's an older joey and give it a much thicker...
22:04Yeah.
22:04That's a rather magical trick.
22:06It's because of the power of the suction.
22:07The young ones don't suck so hard, whereas when they really, really have a go,
22:12which the older ones do, they get the...
22:13How do the scientists find these things out?
22:17What are they doing?
22:20I'm just popping off down to the kangaroo enclosure for a bit of a suck.
22:25Yeah, that's rich.
22:27That's definitely rich.
22:28I'm going to suck quite powerfully.
22:31I'm taking my younger brother.
22:32My younger brother's going to suck a little bit less.
22:35But I think if you saw a kangaroo with a tiny, tiny joey and a really big joey,
22:41both still suckling, you would wonder if they needed the same sort of proteinous drink or not.
22:46Wouldn't cross my mind, Stephen, to be honest.
22:49I saw one once, and they're quite fun.
22:51A little joey, and the tourists came round in this wildlife park,
22:55and it got a little bit spooked, so it bounded across to its mouth,
22:58and just leapt in, head first.
23:01Oh, they do.
23:02And it was like, ooh, like this.
23:04And then there was, like, in the sack.
23:05I know.
23:06You see the legs and the whole thing.
23:08And she was going, oh, for God's sake.
23:10Then his head came out.
23:12Really comical.
23:12You think the leg's going to burst through the...
23:14It really looks at how they hold him, man.
23:16Yeah, it is incredible.
23:17A bin liner couldn't hold him.
23:19Stronger than a bin liner used.
23:21Yeah, well, that's the miracle of kangaroo suckling.
23:24Who do you think of all the animals has...
23:27I'm sorry.
23:28This is the only show where I hear sentences like that.
23:32And that's the miracle of kangaroo suckling.
23:34Next.
23:35Which mammal has the most nipples?
23:38Well, I don't know.
23:39If I said it came from an M country, this being an M series.
23:42Someone from Madagascar?
23:44Is the right answer.
23:45One of their monkeys?
23:45A lemur.
23:46They don't have monkeys in Madagascar.
23:48They do have lemurs.
23:48But it's not a lemur.
23:49It is another kind of...
23:50A very small mammal.
23:52They're really interesting.
23:53They're great titted earthworms.
23:55A shrew for some sort of time.
23:57Well, it's like a shrew because they don't have shrews or anything,
24:00or hedgehogs, but they have a class of mammal
24:02that looks exactly like hedgehogs.
24:04And echidna.
24:05That have evolved separately and distinctly,
24:08and they're called tenrecs.
24:09T-E-N-R-E-C.
24:11Amazing animals.
24:12And this is obviously not the hedgehog tenrec.
24:14This is the one that boasts a really bizarre number of nipples.
24:18It's 29.
24:20A prime number.
24:21Maybe it's a mathematical animal.
24:23Large litters.
24:24Do they have lots of babies?
24:26They do have a lot of babies, yeah.
24:27I don't think they have enough to justify a whopping 29 years.
24:32I'm going to give you another little teaser.
24:34When human mothers give suck to their infants,
24:38they are feeding two species.
24:44Right.
24:45So, the baby's one of them.
24:48Yes.
24:49One is a human child.
24:50Bacteria or a thing?
24:51Yes, very specifically is a bacteria.
24:53You may say, well, it's feeding the baby,
24:54and then, of course, the bacteria.
24:55But no, this is not feeding the baby.
24:57It is only feeding the bacteria.
24:59In human breast milk, there are oligosaccharides.
25:03And these are indigestible to human babies,
25:05but they are adored by the bacteria in the baby's tummy.
25:09Oh.
25:10So, they bypass the baby's system to go to the stomach
25:14to feed their bacteria, their healthy bacteria.
25:16Oh, that's great.
25:16Isn't that pleasing?
25:17Yeah, yeah.
25:17It's rather nice, isn't it?
25:18Mothers are always giving.
25:20Yeah, exactly.
25:21Always giving.
25:22Always.
25:22Who else needs feeding?
25:23Oh, the bacteria.
25:24Fine.
25:25Can't do it.
25:27Yeah, exactly.
25:29Well, why didn't you tell me it was coming for dinner?
25:32I've heard you made him up.
25:34Who would like to see some milky magic?
25:37Because I want to show you...
25:39LAUGHTER
25:41Stranger danger!
25:47I wish I hadn't put it like that.
25:49The man says this to you in a park, say no!
25:55Would you like to see my milky magic?
25:58You know what I meant.
26:03OK, I've got some.
26:04Mmm.
26:05Yeah.
26:06Mmm.
26:07Lovely milky things.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:10Stop saying it!
26:12LAUGHTER
26:12Well, now, because...
26:14Here we are.
26:15Now, this is just a thing about milk.
26:17There's never enough.
26:18You always want more.
26:19Yeah.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:23This is what happens when you get to the clearing in Northamptonshire.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:28Bear with me.
26:29Here we have...
26:30Here we have some milk.
26:32Now, what I'd like to do is just transfer it along the way,
26:36from smaller to larger dust, as you can see.
26:40And...
26:41Well, this will fill it about halfway up, maybe.
26:43Just...
26:43Just checking the size, really.
26:44Let's just see...
26:45How much...
26:46Oh, well, that fills it up completely.
26:47Oh, that's weird.
26:49Um...
26:49Well, that's all right.
26:50That's good, because we've got more than we started out with,
26:52and that's got to be...
26:53Oh...
26:53Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward.
26:55With milk, we've got to have...
26:56Oh!
26:56What?
26:57Oh!
26:58There we are.
26:58You've got to have that, haven't you?
27:00Oh!
27:00That makes sense.
27:01Um, and then see if we can get even more,
27:03because what we're doing is earning ourselves lots and lots of milk.
27:07Wow!
27:07Which has got to be good, surely.
27:09Can you do this with wine?
27:12Um...
27:14Oh, there we are.
27:15Oh, no!
27:15You're Jesus!
27:16We've got even more.
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19That's it.
27:21APPLAUSE
27:21You got that?
27:27It's, er...
27:28It's quite pleasing, isn't it?
27:29And that's how we get the European milk mountain.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:32So, somehow, you can find much out of little,
27:36and that's maybe a lesson in life.
27:37I just...
27:37It redefines the second coming, anyway.
27:40Yeah, exactly.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:42Oh!
27:42Oh, no.
27:44And then Stephen took a can of tuna.
27:47LAUGHTER
27:47And, no, he did share it out amongst the audience.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:52And that's how much we've now got.
27:53Out of nowhere.
27:54Which is very pleasing.
27:56APPLAUSE
27:56Thank you very much.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:01APPLAUSE
28:03Er...
28:04We are.
28:05Er...
28:06Well, from milk to meat.
28:07No, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
28:08What are you going to tell us how you did it?
28:11LAUGHTER
28:12LAUGHTER
28:14APPLAUSE
28:14Oh, and...
28:16You know, well enough,
28:18that a milky magician never tells.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:24Oh, dear.
28:26For a meaty question now,
28:28why did five royalist men from Milton
28:30fail to eat their own buttocks?
28:36They were trying to?
28:38Yes.
28:38They were trying to eat their own buttocks.
28:39That's the weird thing.
28:40That's what that man's just suggested in the corner.
28:42Yeah.
28:42Guys, look, I think we should eat our own buttocks.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:45Everyone's...
28:46No.
28:47You're right.
28:48I mean, that's what happened in a pub.
28:49Is it, like, a...
28:50In Milton?
28:50Too painful for them.
28:52Was it a dare?
28:53A bet.
28:54It wasn't a bet.
28:54It wasn't a bet.
28:55It was a...
28:55How did I describe them?
28:57How much they love the king or something?
28:58Five?
28:58Yes, I described them as royalists.
29:00Oh, OK.
29:00So that must mean they came from the 17th century
29:03or the Civil War time, yeah?
29:04Just to stick it to Cromwell.
29:06Cavaliers.
29:07Up yours, Cromwell.
29:08They were Cavaliers, my own arms.
29:08They were Cavaliers, yeah.
29:10So they wanted to toast the king's health
29:13and they wanted to show that they were more loyal
29:15than just about anyone else.
29:16So to hell with beer, to hell with wine.
29:19We're going to toast him in our own blood.
29:21In our arses.
29:22And the best way to get a bit of blood,
29:24you'd think, is just to prick your thumb, but no.
29:27Slice off their buttocks.
29:28But why the bum?
29:29How does the bum show you're loyal?
29:30I know, it's crazy.
29:31Biggest muscle.
29:32I thought they'd have some to spare.
29:34Yeah.
29:35The royal fat-ass regiment.
29:37I don't know.
29:37They probably thought that it wouldn't hurt too much.
29:40But in fact, what happened is it sliced off a bit of butt cheek
29:43and it bled profusely, so quickly.
29:46Oh, God.
29:46It was shocking.
29:47Men, to the delicatessen.
29:49On to the slicer with you.
29:52Oh!
29:54To the king!
29:55Wow!
29:57As long as they didn't have any salami,
29:59they'd be fine.
30:01I think the idea was they sat on a gridiron.
30:04Oh!
30:04And a bit of buttock poked out,
30:07and they sliced off the bed.
30:09They must have been so pissed with it.
30:13Yeah.
30:14That's amazing.
30:16You'd only piss even come up with it if you were pissed.
30:19But they did that.
30:21The blood poured out.
30:22Everyone got in a panic.
30:24Their wives heard about it and were furious.
30:28What's he done?
30:29Yeah.
30:29I'm feeding two species.
30:31I haven't got time to pick him up.
30:33Look, there was so much loss of blood.
30:35The whole thing was a disaster.
30:36We know about this from a...
30:39They still talk about it like,
30:40oh, that day.
30:42Bob, that was such a bad idea.
30:43Yeah.
30:44From start to finish.
30:45Cuts the pub the next day.
30:47Special today, pork medallions.
30:51Well, the village of Milton was in Berkshire.
30:54He's now in Oxfordshire.
30:55And we think the pub is the one that now calls itself
30:57the Plum Pudding.
30:59Which is rather appropriate somehow.
31:02Or was called the Dog at the time of the event.
31:04It's since been called the Red Lion and the Admiral Benbow.
31:08Yeah, during the Civil War,
31:10five men from Milton got rather cavalier with their own buttocks.
31:13What's the most expensive lump of meat in the world?
31:18Royalist buttock.
31:20Very rare, very rare.
31:22Very rare.
31:23Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
31:27Good answer.
31:28He's pricey.
31:29And meaty.
31:30He is well pricey, well meaty.
31:32Is it the Japanese...
31:33Oh, you're in the right part of the world.
31:36..the Japanese type of...
31:37Is it wagyu beef?
31:37It's not going to be a wagyu beef,
31:38although those are very expensive.
31:40Supposedly massaged and fed on beer and all that.
31:43No, this is a piece of art.
31:45Oh!
31:45An ancient piece of art.
31:47The Qing dynasty piece of art.
31:49Really?
31:49Yeah, a piece of meat rendered in Jasper.
31:52Wow.
31:53And there it is, a piece of pork belly.
31:55You can see the pork cock.
31:56It still looks great, doesn't it?
31:57Yeah, it does.
31:58I would eat that.
31:59I really like pork belly in that.
32:01It looks good.
32:01It's nearly six centimetres tall
32:04and people come from all over the place to see it.
32:07It was recently shown in Japan.
32:09It went to thousands a day.
32:10When you go to the Far East,
32:11they've always got models of what you can order
32:14in the window, haven't they?
32:15Yeah, yeah.
32:16Was this done for a restaurant since then?
32:18Maybe it was.
32:19Yeah!
32:20Maybe it was.
32:21Yeah, we've got the pork in Jasper there, sweetheart.
32:23Would you like that?
32:24This one drew 84,000 people
32:27for its reasonably short exhibition in Japan,
32:29whereas the Qing dynasty jadeite cabbage
32:33drew even more.
32:35And there it is.
32:36Wow.
32:37People were fascinated by it.
32:38That jacket at the back there, what was she thinking?
32:41She was matching her name.
32:42I like eggs!
32:46It's in the National Palace Museum in Taipei,
32:49and there's the meat stone and the jadeite cabbage both there,
32:53and you can buy souvenirs for your mobile phone.
32:56Just in 2012, they sold over a quarter of a million of them in the museum.
33:01Right!
33:01Well, there you have it.
33:02Jasper meat and jadeite cabbage.
33:05I'm kind of wondering whether it's supposed to be funny as an item,
33:09jadeite cabbage,
33:11and so I got on the phone to my friend Jiang Kun,
33:14who is China's most famous comedian,
33:17and he flew over just to be here to answer that question
33:20with his daughter, Charlotte.
33:22So, JK, where are you?
33:23You over there?
33:24Hello!
33:24How are you?
33:25Nice to see you.
33:26I really need to know,
33:28and thank you for coming all the way from China to answer this,
33:33is jadeite cabbage funny?
33:34Is there anything in Chinese?
33:36No.
33:37LAUGHTER
33:39OK.
33:43Let's answer that.
33:46There we have it.
33:47I like difference in the world.
33:49So...
33:50Now, on to the smorgasbord of smugness
33:54that we call general ignorance.
33:55Fingers on buzzers, if you...
33:56Please.
33:57I'm going to say this quite fast,
33:59so listen carefully.
33:59How much sugar in a sugar-free tic-tac?
34:05There's no sugar in a sugar-free tic-tac.
34:07Don't!
34:09Oh!
34:10We've gone so well up to this point.
34:12Is it...
34:13Sugar-free doesn't mean there's no sugar, does it?
34:16Well, it does.
34:16No.
34:17But within certain limits,
34:18according to the Food and Drug Administration,
34:20which is the American...
34:21One calorie.
34:22A little bit.
34:24It's pretty much all sugar.
34:25But they're so small...
34:27The law says that if it's only half a gram of sugar,
34:30it doesn't count as sugar.
34:31It doesn't count as any.
34:32LAUGHTER
34:33According to their own website,
34:34Tic-Tac, registered trademark mints,
34:37do contain sugar as listed in the ingredient statement.
34:40However, since the amount of sugar per serving...
34:42One mint is a serving.
34:43Uh...
34:44LAUGHTER
34:47Since the amount of sugar per serving is less than half a gram,
34:51FDA labelling requirements permit the nutrition facts
34:54to state that there are zero grams of sugar per serving.
34:58Unbelievable.
34:58And they wonder why people get killed with hammers.
35:02LAUGHTER
35:02LAUGHTER
35:04You're weird.
35:06That is right.
35:07LAUGHTER
35:08In America, sugar-free Tic-Tacs are pretty much all sugar.
35:11When you lose weight, where does most of the fat go?
35:15Yes.
35:17If you exhale it,
35:18is exactly the right answer.
35:20Far away most of it.
35:22APPLAUSE
35:25Very impressed indeed.
35:26I'm on the...
35:27I'm on the balloon diet.
35:28LAUGHTER
35:29Yeah, we...
35:30I spent my time quite light-headed most of this...
35:34We were going to forfeit you had you said sweat, urine, faeces,
35:38turns into muscle or energy or any of those things.
35:41No, it's...
35:42When you lose weight, your body breaks down the fat cells
35:45and metabolises the compounds into triglycerides,
35:47they're called, which are made of carbon and hydrogen and oxygen.
35:52For every 10 kilograms of fat lost by your body,
35:568.4 kilograms are breathed out.
35:59The rest, about 1.6, is fatty water.
36:02What's it called?
36:03Fatty water.
36:03Which is excreted in...
36:05Oh, dear.
36:06...urines.
36:07Fatty water.
36:08Fatty water, yes.
36:09He's a really good Duluth player, isn't he?
36:13That's what?
36:14Oh!
36:15That's beautiful.
36:17GG.
36:19Yeah, when you lose weight, most fat you lose
36:22comes out of your mouth and nose.
36:24What kind of bird does the Goliath bird-eating spider consume?
36:28Oh, oh, God!
36:29Whoa!
36:29I should have had a warning.
36:31Not good?
36:31Whoa!
36:32That is...
36:33fucking horrible.
36:35LAUGHTER
36:35Oh, wow.
36:37The Mitchell furry animal.
36:39Still there.
36:41Still there.
36:41OK.
36:43Oh, my God!
36:45OK.
36:46There's a still image of one.
36:47Yeah.
36:48It's never moving anymore.
36:49Eyes on me.
36:50Eyes on me.
36:51Eyes on me.
36:52It's all right, Phil.
36:53OK.
36:53OK, I'm all right.
36:54LAUGHTER
36:58That is naughty.
37:03Sorry.
37:03Oh, I'm sorry.
37:04What a pathetic reaction.
37:06No.
37:06Please, I'd be the same if not for all the therapy.
37:09You should have asked.
37:10I know you're right.
37:11It's all right.
37:11No, it is not moving, so that's OK.
37:13It's not moving.
37:14No.
37:14They're big.
37:15It must be said they are very big.
37:16And they're called Goliath bird-eating spiders.
37:19But it's never eaten a bird in its life.
37:20Yeah.
37:21Well, that one may not have done,
37:22because it's very, very rare for them to eat birds.
37:25It just sounds like a bird in its life.
37:25So how does the person who discovered it
37:27happened upon one eating a hummingbird?
37:29And so called it a bird-eating spider.
37:31Sounds like in your family when you do something once.
37:33Yeah, exactly.
37:35Oh, Carrie, I'd always get sick on holiday
37:37and you're like, it was one time!
37:39LAUGHTER
37:40You're all Poland-invading adults.
37:43I'm like, whilst I invade Poland!
37:45So he was just...
37:47LAUGHTER
37:49He was just eating a hummingbird.
37:51Just eating it.
37:52And he was like, oh, no, this...
37:53No, I normally do.
37:53What? No, stop writing that name down! Stop it!
37:56LAUGHTER
37:57I was really hungry!
37:58That's more or less the story
37:59of the Goliath bird-eating hummingbird...
38:01Uh, hummingbird-eating spider.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:04They live in South America.
38:05They are a form of tarantula.
38:07They will eat insects and very small, uh...
38:11Oh, God!
38:12LAUGHTER
38:12LAUGHTER
38:13That was a very fun idea.
38:15Somebody help her!
38:15Somebody help her!
38:16It's on her face and she doesn't know!
38:18LAUGHTER
38:18LAUGHTER
38:21Despite its name,
38:22the Goliath bird-eating spider,
38:23usually just eats worms, in fact.
38:25Alan!
38:26Hello.
38:27Let's bring this to a beautiful, beautiful conclusion.
38:29Carriard has been bitten by a snake.
38:32LAUGHTER
38:32What's happening to me?
38:34This is not, I'm a celebrity!
38:36LAUGHTER
38:36What should you do?
38:39Sucker.
38:42LAUGHTER
38:45You can't afford it, love.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:52Even when you've been bitten by a cobra,
38:55you're going to haggle prices.
38:57Oh, yeah.
38:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:58You'll soon drop your prices once you've tried it.
39:01LAUGHTER
39:03All right.
39:05So...
39:05You tourniquet it?
39:12Guys, I'm dying.
39:14You haven't told me.
39:15What have I been bitten by a snake?
39:16The spider's coming.
39:18LAUGHTER
39:19It will stay still so it doesn't go round your blood.
39:22Is that in there?
39:23Well...
39:23If you're not near a car but driver to hospital...
39:28Why are you taking me?
39:29Take the snake if you can.
39:30Yeah, exactly.
39:31Or a photograph of it.
39:32Um...
39:33LAUGHTER
39:36No, I didn't say the selfie.
39:39It's sort of implicit in the question that Carrie-Ad and I were alone somewhere.
39:43LAUGHTER
39:44Not on the M4 or something.
39:46No, yes.
39:47Well, somewhere where there are.
39:48I have to take drastic action because I have constant demands for money.
39:52Why am I on the M4 with you?
39:54What happened to me before that?
39:56You're kind of ready!
39:57Come on!
39:58Where did you find a venomous snake on the M4?
40:01That was pretty much fun of an adder.
40:03An adder.
40:03Very unlikely.
40:04But it's possible.
40:05My dad got bitten by an adder.
40:06And the golf course...
40:07LAUGHTER
40:08How old was he?
40:09My step-sister, who's a GP, said,
40:10no, that's just a scratch from a bramble, it's not a snake bite.
40:13And then his leg nearly came off, it went black.
40:15LAUGHTER
40:16And then, so, yeah, my aunt went down to the golf club and said,
40:18are there adders in the golf club to the groundsman?
40:22And he said, oh, yes, I've been reintroduced.
40:26LAUGHTER
40:27LAUGHTER
40:27What kind of backward thinking is that?
40:30This is what we haven't got enough of.
40:32Venomous snakes in the long rough.
40:34LAUGHTER
40:36Well, it adds a little, because it was getting too easy,
40:39that past four.
40:40LAUGHTER
40:41Yeah, the answer is, if you do go somewhere where you think
40:44there may be venomous snakes, find out where the nearest hospital
40:48is that has antivenom, because that's really the best thing
40:50you can have.
40:50But in Britain it's going to be fine.
40:53An adder is not going to kill.
40:55I would still offer to suck you, Carrie Adder.
40:57LAUGHTER
40:57It's the right thing to do.
40:59Yeah.
41:00If your friend has been bitten by a snake,
41:03all you need is car keys.
41:05Any other course of action sucks.
41:07Which brings us to the end of our feast of questions.
41:10Uh-oh.
41:10And so all that's left for me to do is to let you know,
41:13ooh, how the scores are doing.
41:15They're doing rather wonderfully.
41:16In first place, with a magnificent plus four,
41:20wearing plus fours, is Phil Jupiters!
41:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:28And with a very stunning score of nothing,
41:33wearing nothing.
41:34Oh, that doesn't work.
41:34LAUGHTER
41:36Zero, Carrie Ad.
41:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:44It seems so unfair because he had the most information,
41:47but third place for Dermot O'Leary with minus ten.
41:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:58And a very respectable, for Alan, minus sixteen.
42:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:10So, it's thank you from Carrie Adfield, Dermot, Alan and me.
42:14And I leave you with this mealtime story about Rissols.
42:19And goes into a restaurant and looks at the menu
42:21and says to the waiter,
42:22I'll have some Pissols, please.
42:24And the waiter says, no, sir, that's an R.
42:27He says, oh, I'll have some R-cells then.
42:30LAUGHTER
Comments