- 10 hours ago
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00:00Just put it back where you got it from, okay?
00:03No!
00:03Thank you for coming in today.
00:05I've read your application.
00:06It was... funny.
00:08Oh!
00:09Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.
00:12So how did you two meet?
00:14Fuck me up the arse.
00:19So is your business... surviving?
00:22Well, the lease is up in a couple of days, and...
00:24I don't think I can really afford to...
00:25Oh!
00:26Sneaking a preview, are we?
00:27It's a sex-e-vision.
00:29Inspired by and moulded on your father.
00:31I will definitely be there.
00:33I'm leaving Martin.
00:34I'm going to give you the money for the cafe,
00:36and I'm going to go to fucking Finland.
00:38I'll see you at this exhibition.
00:39Yeah.
00:43Oh, yeah!
00:46Yeah!
00:47Oh!
00:48Oh, look at me!
00:50I want to see those tiny things again.
00:53Oh!
00:56Stay sexy.
00:57Always stay sexy.
00:58Oh!
01:00Oh!
01:01Oh!
01:01Oh!
01:02I'm so...
01:03fucking tiny!
01:05May I, uh...
01:08Oh, yeah.
01:16Um...
01:19Oh, God.
01:21There's always a stage when someone's falling in love with you
01:24that they lose their erection.
01:26They get confused.
01:27They panic.
01:28The stakes get too high.
01:30The blood rushes from their dick to their heart.
01:32Oh, Jesus.
01:33And everything...
01:35And everything...
01:35is fucked.
01:44What?
01:49Oh, no.
01:49I don't think, uh, Hillary's going to want to hear this.
01:51Oh, no, go on.
01:54No.
01:55Now, go on.
01:56Okay.
01:58An 11-year-old boy was put in juvenile prison
02:00for repeatedly sticking rubber-ended pencils up
02:02this school hamster's arsehole.
02:05What?
02:06Yeah.
02:07Why would they do that?
02:09Apparently he liked it when their eyes popped out.
02:11No, why would they send him away?
02:12He needs help.
02:14She was a surprising person.
02:17They shouldn't have just locked him up.
02:19He pencil-fucked a hamster.
02:21Yeah, but he's obviously not happy.
02:22Happy people wouldn't do things like that.
02:24Fair point.
02:25And anyway, that's the very reason why they put rubbers on the end of pencils.
02:29What the fuck, hamsters?
02:30No.
02:31Because people make mistakes.
02:36Hey.
02:42Hey.
02:44Hey.
02:46Look, about last night...
02:48Uh-oh.
02:49I don't usually connect with women.
02:52I know.
02:53That's what I like about you.
02:54Yeah.
02:56Okay.
02:58Um...
02:59I, uh...
03:03Wow.
03:07This must be what insecure feels like.
03:10Actually, can we speak about this later?
03:12I want to find the right words for you.
03:15I'll see you at this exhibition.
03:17Yeah, see you there.
03:18I'm gonna go to yoga.
03:20Okay.
03:31Oh, marvellous.
03:32I'm so relieved you're here.
03:34Hi.
03:35Hey.
03:36How are you guys?
03:37You're very best.
03:38Uh-huh.
03:39And hello.
03:40Good looking.
03:41Hi.
03:41Hello.
03:46Well clung to?
03:50Does it get very boring, everybody telling you how gorgeous you are all the time?
03:56Uh...
03:56A little.
03:57Should we, uh...
03:59Ah, yes.
03:59I won't forget this, I promise.
04:01Oh, sure.
04:01Um, is Claire here yet?
04:02No, not yet.
04:03You're an angel for being here.
04:05Um, would you just hold on to that?
04:08And there are bottles for topping up on the little bar just inside.
04:12I am the luckiest thing to have you.
04:16And, um...
04:17There.
04:20You're a natural.
04:29No, really though, this sex-hibition isn't about me trying to get you all aroused.
04:36It's about the beauty of sex and how it brings us all together.
04:40How it excites and connects.
04:43How it opens people's minds.
04:46After all, sex got us all here.
04:48Sex brings life.
04:53I've been building this sex-hibition since I was 11 and a quarter,
04:57which is when I first climaxed by accident on a bidet.
05:03The bidet is, of course, exhibited here,
05:06as are all the pieces from my first ever sex-hibition.
05:09All apart from one.
05:11A few weeks ago, one of my most delicate pieces was stolen from my studio.
05:20But in a sense, it was a blessing.
05:23In fact, her brutal snatching made me think of all the women of the world
05:27who have been robbed of their freedom, of their happiness,
05:31and in the saddest of cases, of their bodies.
05:34So, in many ways, I have to thank the thief for creating my most profound piece of work to date.
05:42A woman robbed.
05:44APPLAUSE
05:47Now, I would ask you all to leave your genitals at the door
05:51and bring your minds to these pieces.
05:54I don't believe people always think about sex when they see a naked body.
05:58I believe they think about their own minds, their own bodies, and their own power.
06:05And that's what this show is really about.
06:09It's about power.
06:27Claire, it's me.
06:28I'm just wondering where you are, because I am very much here and waiting for you.
06:35OK, bye.
06:37Damn it, Claire.
06:38Have you seen a sort of stressed-out version of me anywhere?
06:42Is it weird that my mouth's watering?
06:49It's really fantastic work, honestly. It's amazing.
06:52Thank you so much.
06:54Yes, extraordinary.
06:56Really, really moving and present.
06:59I'd love one of these on my floor.
07:02Like a rug with perks.
07:04I'm sure you would.
07:05But it's very securely nailed to the wall this evening.
07:10Have you found your father yet?
07:12Oh, yes. I think he's by the coats.
07:13Oh, no, no.
07:15Have you found your father yet?
07:18It's just so very obvious to me.
07:31Yeah.
07:34Oh, Connor.
07:35Oops.
07:40Look, about this morning.
07:43But listen, what I was trying to say is, um...
07:45Oh, here we go.
07:46I didn't realise this until we were having sex earlier, and I lost my...
07:51Erection.
07:52Erection.
07:53One more time.
07:54Erection.
07:56But it, um...
07:58It made me realise...
07:59I'm in love.
08:02Oh.
08:05Okay, I mean, I don't really know what to...
08:06And I don't have sex with anyone else.
08:09And that's never happened to me before.
08:17I'm in love.
08:21And I...
08:22Need to tell her.
08:26Her?
08:27Yeah, we've been together for a couple of months, and physically she just...
08:30Never satisfied me.
08:31She has these...
08:33Really...
08:34Massive...
08:35Bouncy...
08:36Tits.
08:36That really didn't do anything for me.
08:37And you just kept sounding up like this...
08:40Sexy...
08:41Plank.
08:43And, uh...
08:44It confused me.
08:46I just don't think I should be fucking around behind her back...
08:48Anymore.
08:48But I just thought I should...
08:50Say that I am...
08:52Sorry.
08:53If I have...
08:55Led you on.
08:57Oh, no.
09:00Oh, God, no.
09:01My, um...
09:02My ex is due back any day.
09:03Now.
09:03Anyway.
09:04So, it's...
09:05I'm happy for you.
09:09I...
09:10I knew you wouldn't give a shit.
09:12Well, what can I say?
09:13I'm sorry.
09:15I don't...
09:16Give a shit.
09:18Mmm.
09:23Cool.
09:28Never wear padding, okay?
09:38Claire, where are you?
09:40I can't survive much longer in this sea of penises.
09:43And I don't know anyone, and so...
09:47Harry?
09:50Harry?
09:53Hi.
09:55Hi.
09:57What did she do to you?
09:59We just...
10:00Covered me in plaster and left me in the garden for a couple of hours.
10:04Oh, God, hi.
10:06Oh, it's so good to see you.
10:08Oh.
10:10Hi.
10:12Hi.
10:15Hi.
10:19Um...
10:19I'm just gonna go and browse around.
10:22It was really nice to meet you.
10:23You too.
10:26That's...
10:27Elaine.
10:33Weird.
10:33Hey, did you see that really good-looking guy that came in with me?
10:35No.
10:36But I saw really good-looking guy on his motorbike outside.
10:39Why?
10:40Oh, yeah.
10:40That's he, um...
10:41Well, he and I, and...
10:42Oh.
10:43Great.
10:44Yeah, he just dumped me.
10:45No.
10:46Oh.
10:47Mm.
10:48I'm sorry.
10:48I don't agree.
10:50This is very...
10:51You?
10:53Yeah.
10:53Yeah.
10:54She, er...
10:54She said you were cool with us doing...
10:56That.
11:01And...
11:06Yeah, I don't know why she, um...
11:09Where's my penis?
11:10Oh, it's on the wall over there.
11:12Second from the left.
11:14Oh.
11:18I should probably go and find Elaine.
11:19She doesn't like being left on her own, so...
11:21He's still got some stuff at the flat.
11:25I've been rolling around in my lingerie all over it, waiting for you to come and collect it.
11:28Yeah, I, um...
11:29Just your Tupperware, and your TV, and your dinosaur plate.
11:32Oh, I got a new dinosaur plate, but, um...
11:35Yeah, but...
11:37Thank you, but, you know, you can...
11:38You can keep those.
11:41Hey.
11:42Do you still think about me sometimes?
11:47No.
11:58Elaine.
12:02Mm.
12:09Claire!
12:10My God, it's been hell.
12:11Where have you been?
12:13I, um...
12:17All parked up.
12:19Hello, you.
12:22Um, we almost didn't make it, but, um...
12:25We didn't want to let the old boy down.
12:29But I thought that...
12:29We're just gonna do a quick whiz around to show our faces.
12:32Okay, I...
12:33But we're just gonna do a quick whiz around.
12:42Sorry, could you just...
12:43Could you just do something with those?
12:44Thank you, darling.
12:45As for this?
12:53Alta Kong.
12:53In the end of the night, we're gonna try.ここ.
13:00Yeah,
13:02I'm getting to the top. My daughter's
13:04own. My daughter's
13:09own. I don't
13:10want to use the guitar. I want to
13:13use the guitar. So, I
13:37Don't do it.
13:40Don't!
13:47The joys of Butterfinger stuff!
13:50Stop making a spectacle of yourself and clean that up.
13:55You clean that up.
13:59Apologise.
14:02I'm sorry.
14:05Turns out I'm not such a natural after all.
14:12Oh, fuck off!
14:15I'm just gonna say this once.
14:18I deserve to be happy.
14:21I am allowed to move on.
14:23I have a good life.
14:25And I am happy, all right?
14:28All right?
14:30If you don't mind, I'm going to go and get my cardi from my car.
14:36Well, it's a little chilly.
14:49I'm sorry you had to hear that.
14:52But you did have to hear it.
14:55No, no.
14:56She'll do it.
15:07What the fuck was that?
15:09What is he doing here?
15:14You're not going to Finland?
15:18Oh, God.
15:20What are you doing here?
15:22I'm helping.
15:25He's...
15:26He didn't try to kiss you.
15:28He did.
15:29He says it was more like the other way around.
15:33What?
15:36But that's just not true.
15:40No, no.
15:41Fuck you.
15:42Please don't.
15:42No, Claire.
15:43He came out into the garden.
15:45I don't want to hear it.
15:46Claire, you have to believe me.
15:47How can I believe you?
15:49Because I'm your sister.
15:50After what you did to Boo.
16:06He slept with someone else.
16:08He said...
16:09He told me he fucked someone else.
16:16I'm sorry.
16:17But you just have to see it from my point of view.
16:25Come on.
16:26Come on.
16:42I think I love him.
16:59I'm going to hurt myself.
17:00I'm going to get hit by a bike.
17:02I'm going to hurt my finger.
17:03And then he's going to have to come and see me in hospital.
17:05I'll be really sorry for what he did.
17:07He's getting hurt.
17:08Can you go to écran?
17:20I'm going to keep the viewers 100% off of my night.
17:21Have you ever yet?
17:23Sorry.
17:26You're hundred and you're going to see me like this.
17:30Ab recht, you're gone.
17:30You're doing my job for without Mickey.
17:35Batteries and I к you in jail or anything like that.
17:50I don't know where you came from.
17:53Well, you don't think we're the same?
17:55You've got the same lines on your forehead as me.
18:00Thank you for fixating on them.
18:02And you're stubborn.
18:03Snap.
18:05And sad.
18:06Not born sad.
18:07Some people are.
18:08You won't.
18:09No.
18:10I guess not.
18:17Jesus, why do daughters get to say that they're fucked up by their fathers when it's so often the other
18:22way round?
18:35Why do you do that for yourself?
18:39Looks cool.
18:43I think your mother would have admired your little performance of that.
18:52Do you ever think about her?
18:55No.
18:58Do you think about your friend?
19:01All the time.
19:08I'm sorry.
19:17I'm sorry.
19:31I...
19:55I can't come to the phone right now, but please leave me a messy RGO and I will get back
19:59to you.
20:04Hi, this is Boo.
20:06I can't come to the phone right now, but please leave me a messy RGO and I will get back
20:10to you.
20:11You're welcome.
20:13Come on.
20:15Hi.
20:16I don't know.
20:47I don't know.
21:02You okay?
21:07Big night, then.
21:14Mmm.
21:16What?
21:20I thought in the application for your loan it said you ran a cafe for guinea pigs.
21:27That's why I thought it was funny. I never thought guinea pigs needed...
21:32Just guinea pig themed.
21:34Okay.
21:35Yeah.
21:36That makes sense.
21:37Yeah.
21:44Can I get you a cup of tea?
21:48Right now.
21:50Coffee?
21:52Right now.
21:58Well, I should probably be heading back to the office.
22:06Cafes are a very difficult business.
22:10You certainly made this one very... unique.
22:18I also fucked it into liquidation.
22:22Okay.
22:25And I fucked up my family.
22:28Did you?
22:29Me?
22:30And I fucked my friend by fucking her boyfriend.
22:34What?
22:37And sometimes I wish I didn't even know that fucking existed.
22:42And that I know that my body as it is now really is the only thing I have left.
22:46And when that gets old and unfuckable I may as well just kill it.
22:53And somehow there isn't anything worse than someone who doesn't want to fuck me.
23:00I fuck everything.
23:04Except for when I was in the office I really wasn't trying to...
23:12Either everyone feels like this a little bit and they're just not talking about it.
23:17Or I am completely fucking alone.
23:23Which isn't fucking funny.
23:35Right.
23:36Well, uh...
23:38I should probably...
23:40Um...
23:42I should probably, um...
23:47Um...
23:48I should probably...
23:54Do...
24:17I should probably...
24:23People make mistakes.
24:32That's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils.
24:36Is that a joke?
24:39I don't know.
24:44I think we should start your interview again.
24:50Here?
24:51Yeah.
24:53Go on.
24:54OK.
24:56Well, thank you for coming in.
25:01No problem.
25:04I've read through your application form.
25:08It says you run a cafe for guinea pigs.
25:14Told you it was funny.
25:34If you need more Fleabag, get yourself over to BBC iPlayer to catch all episodes.
25:39If Fleabag gave you a giggle, which to be fair it must have, why not check out him and her
25:44over on BBC iPlayer.
25:46Coming up here on BBC Three, The Apprentice Australia.