- 2 days ago
First broadcast 30th January 2015
A compilation of some of the best bits from Series L.
A compilation of some of the best bits from Series L.
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TVTranscript
00:09What does the loneliest whale in the world sound like
00:31I don't know what that sounded like, I never want to hear it ever again
00:34Your wife is a very lucky woman
00:37Well, yeah, this particular whale is one
00:41We don't actually know what species it is
00:44Because no one's found it, but people have heard it
00:46And it's very unusual because it's the highest pitched whale
00:50That's ever been recorded by hydrophones
00:52The microphones you pop down into the depths
00:54How do they know that it's lonely?
00:56Because it's never been answered
00:57Well, maybe it's just like spending time on its own
01:00Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your night
01:02Also, how do we know, if we've never seen it
01:06How do we know that it is a whale?
01:08It might just be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell
01:14They're coming, they're coming
01:15No, nothing
01:16There's a whale over there
01:18I think
01:21That's the shell
01:23It's a conch
01:24I didn't think conch
01:27When you did that
01:28Are you suggesting that I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?
01:36A sperm whale's penis is about three metres long
01:39Yeah, you'd need a bigger amount than that
01:40Even you have got it
01:52It's been great how we're all so keen to be involved
01:56Hang on a second
01:57If we're all getting involved
01:59I'll start here
01:59Have it all the way along
02:00Here
02:02You hold it like that
02:03There you go
02:05There you go
02:09There we go
02:10Here you go
02:11Here you go
02:12Here you go
02:15Oh dear, dear, dear
02:16Oh dear, dear
02:18A whale at a birthday party
02:20Well, they take up a lot of room
02:21You need a big hall
02:22Yeah
02:23That's good
02:23I think you're getting there
02:25Yeah
02:26That's good encouragement
02:28Thanks, Richard
02:28That's okay
02:29I think it'd be fun for the kids to get inside
02:32Couldn't they?
02:34Play around
02:34True
02:34Bouncy castle
02:35Bouncy arse all
02:36Did you say?
02:36No
02:39I didn't, but by all means
02:42Bouncy castle
02:43Bouncy castle
02:43Oh, yeah, yeah
02:44I see what you mean
02:44Yeah
02:48I'd like to hire a bouncy arse all
02:50I'd like to hire a bouncy arse all
02:50I'd like to hire a bouncy arse all
02:55No, list things that you need for children
02:58Well, my kids
02:59I'm thinking candles
02:59Yeah
02:59Candles is one
03:00Past the parcel
03:02Past the parcel
03:03Balloons
03:03Yes
03:03Balloons
03:04Balloons
03:05A big whale balloon
03:06Whales feel
03:07Why would a blue whale be useful
03:08Because it can feel like it's got the largest breath in the world
03:11Yes
03:11Because in one breath a blue whale could inflate 1,250 balloons
03:19Okay
03:20That's a spoiled child
03:21I take that point
03:23I take that point
03:24But I'm fairly sure it's never happened
03:28Also, logistically, it would be almost impossible
03:31I would like whales
03:33I would live to be very old as well, I don't know
03:34So I would like one at my birthday party to make me feel both young and slim
03:38Yes
03:39Whales aren't particularly slim though, Lucy
03:41No, but I would next to a whale
03:43Oh, it's seen next to a whale
03:45I'm not seeing much of a compliment
03:47No, no
03:53Who has the world's largest love handles and what do they use them for?
03:58Eric Pickles
03:58Oh, dear
04:01Oh, dear
04:02Oh, dear
04:02No, it's just it
04:03It's just it
04:07Do you see?
04:10Not the blue whale
04:12Sorry
04:12So it's not the blue whale, but I'm close
04:15You are
04:15A barnacle
04:18Stay with cetaceous creatures
04:20Say with a mammal
04:22It's a whale
04:23It's a whale
04:24It's a whale
04:24And it begins with a B
04:26Blue whale
04:28You know, I have a lot of looks for you
04:29Because I'm pretty sure I got it right
04:30There are other forms of whale that begin with a B
04:33Uh, bum whale
04:34There's a bowhead
04:35Big whale
04:36What's the most famous and expensive kind of caviar?
04:39Baluga
04:40Baluga whale
04:41Baluga whale
04:41Yes
04:42There one is
04:43Look at that one's going
04:45Hello
04:47Hello
04:50Hello
04:51Hello
04:51Hello
04:52I'm going to do the whale now
04:55Hey
04:59This is all I can do
05:02He's very chirpy
05:03They have their dorsal fin
05:05They're amazing
05:05I haven't got a dorsal fin
05:16I don't feel cold
05:18I don't feel it
05:19They don't because of their blubber
05:22I saw the blubber
05:23And they have
05:24They have midriff blubber
05:25Which they can control
05:27Show my love handles baby
05:28Hello
05:30They control their love handles with special muscles
05:33So that's how they move around
05:35And that's how they, that's how they, you know
05:37That's how I move
05:38That's how they move
05:41Exactly
05:41Exactly right
05:48I had a terrible experience
05:49I was at a cricket match
05:51And at a major cricket ground that I won't name
05:54You'll see why in a minute
05:55And I was talking to a woman
05:57Who was married to a leading cricket executive
05:59Who I won't name
06:00And she was, um, full figured
06:03And, um
06:04We were having the cream tea
06:07And I said to her
06:08Because she was the wife of a major cricket executive
06:11I bet you've had a few cream teas
06:13Oh no
06:16Oh no
06:17I meant because her husband worked in cricket
06:20That's what I meant
06:21Because she was a frat
06:22No, not for a second
06:23How did that play out?
06:25Well, I lost
06:27I lost
06:27I, I, I thought I could say
06:29Not because you're
06:30But then I think
06:31That's it
06:32So I decided
06:33I thought I'd, I'll just leave it
06:37And move
06:38And then walk
06:39And walk off
06:39Because that's the best thing
06:40And do it
06:41Sort of insult something about the weight
06:42And then run away
06:43Yeah
06:44Luckily cricket's such a fast moving sport
06:47You weren't stuck there for a day
06:50That's it
06:50If Johnny and Jason got naked
06:53Covered their legs
07:07I, I mean I can't
07:08I can, I have no shelter
07:10Open wedding gifts
07:11Together
07:12You're still the beating hearts of the nation
07:14If they got naked
07:15Covered their legs in lard
07:18And put their hands on each other's shoulders
07:20What could we expect to happen next?
07:23I would, I would guess, Ofcom would get involved.
07:28Something come.
07:29Yeah.
07:30It's a red wine that we are about to trample the grapes for that you can also fry with.
07:39It's, it's the first kind of, yeah, it's the first kind of sippy wine.
07:44Yeah, it's the first kind of sippy wine.
07:45Give another glass and do your chips in it, also.
07:49Yeah, but every Yates is wine, Lodge.
07:51There'd be a rush like at Christmas when Jamie Oliver said she used goose fat, except this time they'd be
07:55using comedians, kind of dripping.
07:57You know what, these potatoes taste a bit funny.
07:59Sure, twice times I've been dripping.
08:02No, no, we're in North, and, yeah, you're right, it's a pursuit, it's a pursuit in the Northwest.
08:09It's not shin-kicking.
08:11Yes, it is shin-kicking.
08:12You knew about shin-kicking.
08:14I did, my own purpose was great.
08:18Very good.
08:22Is that a blade?
08:24Yes, it is.
08:25You stand there, you stand there and take it in turns.
08:27Oh, yeah.
08:27To kick each other in the shin as hard as you can.
08:30And it's the first person to, to, to basically...
08:33Do you know what they cry if they give up?
08:34It's rather wonderful.
08:35You'd think it'd be, I give in, or, oh, stop it.
08:37Stop it.
08:37Go on with your bother.
08:38No.
08:41It's not, it's not that they shout, sufficient.
08:49That's the cry.
08:53Oddly enough, that's my climax call.
08:56Sufficient.
09:04The ability to do two things at once.
09:07We can ask the audience and we can ask you.
09:08It's easier for the audience because of the way they're sitting down.
09:10All you have to do is revolve your right foot clockwise.
09:14That's easy, isn't it?
09:16And then with your right hand, make a six.
09:20Is your foot suddenly going...
09:22Oh, that's weird.
09:25Isn't that extraordinary?
09:27Right foot clockwise.
09:28Yeah.
09:29Well, that's weird.
09:30Yeah.
09:31You have to really think about it.
09:32You really do have to think about it.
09:33Oh, you really do have to think about it.
09:33Oh, you really do have to think about it.
09:36That was an instant.
09:38You really have to think about it to the point where you nearly break your foot off.
09:43You forget what's clockwise.
09:45Oh, you start going up and down and not...
09:47Oh, no.
09:50You're fighting it.
09:51You're in agony.
09:52I couldn't do the six.
09:53I couldn't finish the six.
09:54I just did a C.
09:55Yes, exactly.
09:57It's a bitch, isn't it?
09:58It's really fast.
09:59I'm going to remember that.
09:59People say, what do you remember from QI?
10:03Even if you watch your foot.
10:05Yeah.
10:06This is...
10:06I mean, this isn't great television, what I'm doing at this point.
10:10Put your foot on the desk if you want.
10:13Right.
10:13So, glad I wore my natty socks.
10:20Ah!
10:23Now, what is the name for people having jobs that come after their names?
10:29So, if you were a baker...
10:30Yes, exactly.
10:31I don't know the...
10:32I don't know the...
10:33My dad was a clerk.
10:34And you'll do it.
10:35Exactly, that would do it.
10:36Yeah.
10:36It's called nominative determinism.
10:38It's called nominative or onomastic determinism, because it's, uh, you're determined by your
10:42name.
10:42I've always been interested by this, because there was a family many, many years ago, and
10:46they were called the Gauntlets.
10:47And they christened their son Victor.
10:49I knew, I knew Victor.
10:50He ran Aston Martin.
10:52Exactly.
10:52He was destined to run Aston Martin, simply because his parents had christened him Victor.
10:56If they'd called him Stan, he would have been a plumber.
11:01Do you see it all the time?
11:03Somebody called Fotherington's Major Fortescue has always got a sandwich shop in Fulham,
11:10whereas somebody called Ron Twat is a little bit from somewhere, and it's very simple names
11:16tend to...
11:17Yeah, and Ron Twat.
11:19Did you?
11:20Surely...
11:21He's a good builder.
11:22Surely Ron Twat should be a gynaecologist.
11:24Surely Ron Twat should be a gynaecologist.
11:26I've seen her.
11:29I can feel her.
11:31Well done.
11:34This is a thing that's happened to me.
11:35I'll share, because I feel like my mum's friend.
11:37All right.
11:37I went to the doctor, had terrible, like a sort of a...
11:40It was almost like welts in a sort of a...
11:42Did you say welts?
11:43Welts.
11:44Welts.
11:44Welts.
11:45No, welts with a T, not with a K.
11:47I think he said welts.
11:47It was so...
11:49But it was a...
11:50Yeah, welts.
11:50Oh, I was bothered by Cockneys.
11:53And all the time, our chimney sweeps around.
11:59I went to the doctor and I thought, I've got some sort of...
12:04I agree.
12:06I agree.
12:06I agree.
12:07I agree.
12:08Went into the doctor, he went, pants are too tight.
12:13So you were kidding yourself that you were a medium and in fact you were an extra, extra large.
12:17I...
12:18I've done it.
12:18I've been there.
12:20And you do get welts.
12:21You get awful webbing marks, you get...
12:23Webbing?
12:24Yeah, well the web...
12:24You know the webbing of the...
12:25You need to just loosen that banana.
12:28I...
12:29I thought a lot...
12:30I went for the larger pant.
12:32And since...
12:33Trouble Free?
12:33It's been simple.
12:34Yep.
12:34I know.
12:35What a wonderful, wonderful thing.
12:37So there you are.
12:39Now.
12:40Suggest some lethal uses for a laptop.
12:44Oh.
12:45Smart bombs.
12:46Guiding smart bombs.
12:47Yeah.
12:47Hitting people over the head.
12:50Damn it, Chloe.
12:52Yeah.
12:54That was like he was in the room.
12:56We've been working with him, that's all.
13:01Oh, please.
13:02Is he nice?
13:02Please tell me his name.
13:03He's an incredibly nice guy.
13:05He really is.
13:06Everyone adores him on the set.
13:07Kiefer, this is.
13:08Kiefer.
13:09Kiefer?
13:09Kiefer.
13:10Oh, Kiefer.
13:11Yeah.
13:13Anyway.
13:13I don't know what you're talking about.
13:17My favourite one he talks about.
13:1824.
13:18Oh, 24.
13:19When he talks about parabolics.
13:21That was.
13:21Parabolics.
13:22Parabolics.
13:22Have you seen?
13:24Parabolics.
13:24That's what it sounds like.
13:26Is it really over the top London though?
13:28Is it like,
13:29Chloe, I forgot my Oyster card.
13:33It is all shot in London.
13:34I'm at Spinningfield.
13:36Engineering works.
13:39I've got a bus replacement service.
13:42I don't want to have a satellite.
13:44The driver hasn't got a clue where he's going.
13:47What's the best way from Kensal Rise to Labyrinth Grove?
13:51You can't use the Harrow Road!
14:01How did the ladybird get its spots?
14:05Did it used to not have spots then?
14:06Is that what you're saying?
14:07Well, no.
14:08It's not really those spots.
14:09It's just other kinds of spots that it gets.
14:11Their life is one,
14:12not one long sexual orgy,
14:15but they are very highly sexed creatures.
14:18They're beetles, as you probably know.
14:19So, is that like,
14:21notches on their bedpost?
14:22Is that what that is?
14:23Like,
14:23No, not those spots.
14:25They shan't so thoroughly,
14:27energetically.
14:28Thoroughly?
14:29Er...
14:29Yeah.
14:31I love a good thorough one.
14:32Oh, yes.
14:34What shall we do this year?
14:35Oh, it'll be thorough tonight and off.
14:37Oh, good, I like that.
14:38No stone will be unturned.
14:41I love what you call them stones.
14:44It looks specific to you, darling.
14:46Far rough.
14:48In May,
14:50in May,
14:50up to 50% of all ladybirds will be at it.
14:53And they'll be at it for a long, long time.
14:55And the males don't really mind what they're...
14:57I mean, they will...
14:57They'll get on another male,
14:59and then they will get on a dead female.
15:01Some of them can orgasm quite extraordinarily.
15:04I'll give you the details.
15:05It's impressive.
15:14They have nine-hour mating sessions.
15:16A ladybird orgasm could be 30 minutes long.
15:19Standard.
15:20Yeah.
15:23They can have several in one of their nine-hour-long mating sessions.
15:26So they have several 30-minute orgasms.
15:28Is that nine hours straight and it's stopped for snacks?
15:30No, as I said,
15:31No, it's straight.
15:32Sometimes it's only male.
15:34Um...
15:34Oh, straight in that sense.
15:35Yes, no, they might stop the snacks.
15:37Stop the aphid.
15:38But because of this,
15:39they are riddled with sexually transmitted diseases,
15:42I'm afraid,
15:42which can make them sterile,
15:44and they get lice and spots.
15:47You see?
15:48Other spots.
15:49They can't tell the sex of other ladybirds.
15:51But the...
15:52The male is called a ladybird too.
15:54Yes, it's confusing.
15:55It's not called a man-man-man bird.
15:57No, it should be.
15:58It should be a gentleman bird.
15:59It's no wonder they're confused.
16:00One example.
16:01So if one ladybird, like a male ladybird,
16:04gets on another male ladybird,
16:06does the first one after a bit just...
16:09Oh, sorry, mate.
16:10I think so.
16:12Are they...
16:13Are they gay ladybirds that just love it?
16:16Gaydybirds.
16:16Gaydybirds.
16:18There he is.
16:19APPLAUSE
16:23Now, what suggestions do you have for the last line of this numeric?
16:29There was an old person of Chile whose conduct was painful and silly.
16:32He sat on the stairs eating apples and pears...
16:34Find him pips out of his willy.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:41APPLAUSE
16:43APPLAUSE
16:45Very good.
16:47I don't think that's going to be improved upon.
16:49It certainly wasn't improved upon by the author of that limerick, who was...
16:53George Orwell.
16:55LAUGHTER
16:55Eric Blair.
16:57Eric Blair.
16:57Edward Lear, as Victoria rightly said, who sort of popularised the form,
17:00but he had one fatal flaw in his limerick writing, which was, do you know?
17:04Was the last line the same as the first?
17:06The last line was more or less the same.
17:07Is it that boring old person of Chile?
17:08Basically, it is, yeah.
17:10As you will see, it is that imprudent old person of Chile.
17:14I think you'll all agree that Alan's version is a lot better.
17:19The firing pips out of the willy is a lot funnier.
17:22Yes!
17:23On the other hand, less Victorian.
17:25He was sort of around the latter half of the 19th century.
17:28That is an entirely pointless thing to write down.
17:30It is.
17:31It's not painful and silly, is it, to be imprudent?
17:34No.
17:34It's painful and silly to put the pips in your willy.
17:36Oh, it certainly is.
17:39I think we're all with you, Alan.
17:41Why has he not thought, he hasn't thought of a painful and silly thing to do
17:45that's related to apples and pears and being on the stairs?
17:47He just says he's imprudent.
17:49But there's nothing in that, there's nothing imprudent in the previous four lines.
17:54Well, anyway, the other versions you might be able to finish.
17:56There was an old man with a gong, who...
17:59...who bums at it all day long.
18:02But they call out her law, you're a horrid old bore.
18:04Pull up your trousers, you're doing it wrong.
18:08Well, so it's going to be your horrible old bore, you silly old man with a gong?
18:13Basically.
18:13Yeah.
18:14This guy's shit.
18:15Yeah.
18:16See his original...
18:18These are like little wailers.
18:19So they smashed that old man.
18:20They smashed him with the gong?
18:22Yeah.
18:23Why did they do that?
18:25Because he was a horrible old bore.
18:27Well, they just take the gong away.
18:28Yeah.
18:30Once you've got the gong from the old man, the problem's solved.
18:34They're not going to annoy you with the gong anymore.
18:36There's no point then, smash to smash him with the gong is a greater crime than to hit the gong,
18:41regardless of whether he does it all day or what.
18:44Also, move away.
18:45Go out of earshot.
18:47You can't hear that.
18:48No excuse for assaulting.
18:49Your outrage is commendable.
18:51Well, let's try another one.
18:52There was a young lady of pool whose soup was excessively cool, so she put it to boil by the
18:59aid of some oil.
18:59It was a recipe from Heston Blumenthal.
19:02Yay!
19:06Very good.
19:09Could you pass that to Jimmy?
19:11Jimmy, open your present.
19:13It's very exciting.
19:14OK.
19:14It's actually rather a traditional present for a young person to get a present.
19:18Or at least it was in my generation.
19:20It probably isn't any more.
19:21A young person seems like a stretch now.
19:23I'm 41.
19:24Yeah, yeah.
19:24The only way I'm young now is if I die.
19:26Or compared to me.
19:31What I'm going to ask you to do is stand up, and if you can, on a box, or at
19:34least as high as you can.
19:36I mean, I didn't get you anything, and I think my gift's better.
19:39No.
19:40No.
19:41You know the principle of siphoning liquid, where you put a tube into a petrol tank, and you slightly suck,
19:47and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you've siphoned into.
19:50You can siphon a chain.
19:51So stand as high as you can, and you see there's an end coming out of the beaker, out of
19:56the car.
19:56So I'm going to be perfect.
19:57If you feel comfortable there on the desk, it's great.
19:59Why not?
19:59And if you can just jerk out the, the, the leading stomp in it.
20:04What do you need me to do?
20:06No, I'm disappointed.
20:07Just tell me what you need me to do.
20:08What do you need me to do?
20:09Just jerk it out.
20:10Yeah, jerk it out.
20:11Just jerk it out.
20:12And with any luck, you'll see a rather astonishing effect.
20:14It seems to defy gravity in the words of Wicked.
20:16So, jerk that out.
20:17Yeah, out, up and down.
20:18And as high as you can.
20:20Woah!
20:21Woah!
20:23Woah!
20:25Dude!
20:26Woah!
20:27Woah!
20:28Woah!
20:30Woah!
20:30It's magic!
20:31Woah!
20:42Right, to get you in the mood, here are some foods for you to try.
20:44You should have some on your little prop tables.
20:47Oh!
20:48You've got chocolates there, Josh.
20:49You've got a potato, Alan.
20:52What have you got for them?
20:53Well, I don't.
20:54Oh, champagne!
20:55It looks like champagne.
20:56Or carbon.
20:57You could have had a wee in here earlier, for all I know.
21:00You wouldn't want it to fizz, though, wouldn't you?
21:02No, you wouldn't.
21:05Is your finger on top?
21:08Yes, it is.
21:10It is.
21:11I hope it's fresh.
21:12I think it's fresh and edible if you want to eat it.
21:13Well, I hope it's fresh as well.
21:14You could drop it in the champagne.
21:15It's quite delicious.
21:16Oh, God.
21:17I love my language.
21:18I'm allergic to champagne.
21:19Literally.
21:19Are you?
21:20Yeah.
21:20I can't drink.
21:21Oh, God.
21:21It's simply terrible for you.
21:25Christopher Hitchens rather wonderfully said,
21:27the foremost overrated things in the world are lobster, champagne, anal sex and picnics.
21:36What a night that would have been!
21:42Anyway, so by all means eat yours, but what do you think they have to do with our theme?
21:46Chocolate?
21:47Um, sexy foods.
21:49Yeah.
21:49Aphrodisiac.
21:50Aphrodisiac.
21:50They're considered to be aphrodisiac.
21:52Yeah.
21:52Oysters have long been considered it.
21:55Did they do?
21:56Yes, Alan.
21:56A thousand times, yes.
21:59Well, do have a piece of chocolate.
22:01Do sip your champagne and do, by all means, um...
22:03I mean...
22:03Have your oyster.
22:04I do love oysters, but one time I did get poisoning, er...
22:09On Valentine's Day.
22:11On Valentine's Day.
22:12Oh, Valentine's Day?
22:14Oh, do you keep your potato raw?
22:16Is that allowed?
22:19Oh.
22:20Oh.
22:22Here she goes, here she goes, oyster down.
22:24Oh!
22:24It's bigger than I'm used to.
22:25Hey.
22:27Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
22:28Oh!
22:29How is it?
22:29They're good enough.
22:30I'm definitely going to take this episode, I can tell you that.
22:34Oh, chocolate, I think.
22:35Oh, they're very nice.
22:36They might have rose petals or, or, or violet.
22:38Are you all right, Alan?
22:38I feel horny.
22:41Look out, George.
22:45It's worked.
22:46Bloody hell.
22:47Two bites.
22:51Perhaps the most impressive invention in recent times for your lavatory on once.
22:54A helicopter.
22:54Um, well...
22:56Not a Go briefcase.
22:57It's Japanese, of course.
22:59Yeah.
23:02How much better did you get than that?
23:04Nice.
23:05It's just simply superb.
23:06It's got everything you could possibly want, including a newspaper to leave through.
23:09Your easement is taking a bit of time.
23:11And I've always felt, I've always felt really sad when I leave a toilet.
23:14Like, oh, we've become such good friends.
23:15I wish I could just pack it up and carry it.
23:17No, I can.
23:18It's got a generously equipped ceiling lid.
23:20You can quietly and discreetly go about your personal business anywhere you please with a fold-up leather privacy panel.
23:25Which tuts away neatly to the side.
23:26Yeah, it looks like it hides you completely, that panel.
23:28What?
23:29What's that suitcase that's sitting there?
23:33It's got a vanity mirror.
23:35I like the leather finish.
23:36Yeah, refillable hand sanitising dispenser.
23:39And maximum weight capacity is 80 kilos.
23:41Exceeding the recommended weight will void all warranties.
23:4480 kilos?
23:4580 kilos.
23:46I'm not going to get an elephant to shit in it.
23:49I know.
23:49I weigh less than 80 kilos.
23:53I really need to get...
23:54It may result in...
23:54I'm going to exceed the limit!
23:57It may result in rupture of waste tank, possible bacteria contamination of briefcase contents and massive stench.
24:06So you don't want to do that?
24:08Assuming you haven't emptied it for a year.
24:09You would have two suitcases when you turned up to meetings.
24:12And everyone would be like,
24:12Derek, why have you put two suitcases?
24:15No reason.
24:16And then he just hides behind the little panel.
24:17Do you accidentally walk?
24:18I'll be through the figures and...
24:21Mass in stone!
24:23Mass in stone!
24:27Do you know where the meeting goes?
24:28It was going fine until I got the bog out.
24:32Alternatively, you go the other way.
24:33Thanks for letting me use your toilet briefcase.
24:35Oh, I don't have a toilet briefcase.
24:39I always say that the 80 kilos includes the person sitting on it.
24:42So I think I would break it.
24:45Maybe they...
24:47That changes everything!
24:52Well, actually, I'm going to make a lava lamp for your edification of pleasure and entertainment.
24:56I have here a little tube.
24:59This is actually a tube that usually contains tennis balls.
25:02And this is a mixture of vegetable oil and water.
25:06And I have here a little...
25:08Quite hard to mix, by the way, those two things.
25:10Yeah, they are.
25:12Because...
25:12Don't they, David?
25:14Yes.
25:15Hello.
25:16So you pump the colour in.
25:18And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer, or any effervescent hangover cure pill will do.
25:24Are you going to say, don't try this at home?
25:26Well, you can, actually.
25:27Is this how...
25:28Honestly, it's not like a mentor.
25:29It's not going to explode.
25:30And cue light.
25:31Hey!
25:32There we go.
25:33I tap it on.
25:34And then, as the effervescent works, it begins...
25:37Yeah, there we are, beginning to get the effect.
25:40And you've...
25:41Oh, we are.
25:41The colour's now beginning to come into it.
25:43And you're getting a sort of lava lamp there, obviously.
25:46Professionally, they're made more permanent.
25:47A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen.
25:49Yeah.
25:53You've all got the equipment, as it were, so you can make one yourself.
25:57So exciting.
25:57Aren't you lucky?
25:59Yeah.
25:59We've begun with the thrilling excitement.
26:01Let's just...
26:02What do we do with that?
26:03We eject colour in.
26:04Eject colour.
26:05You've all got different colours to make it thrilling.
26:06Right, dear.
26:07No.
26:07Don't put too much of the effervescent hangover cure.
26:10I put all of it in.
26:14Don't put too many colours in.
26:16And now, just put a little of the...
26:18No, put loads in.
26:19It's brilliant.
26:21Look at your bullshit, love.
26:23Mine is...
26:25See, one did explode now, hopefully.
26:28I can...
26:29No, no, you didn't.
26:30No.
26:31You're no fun.
26:33Stick another one in.
26:34There's still splat out there.
26:36There's still splat out there.
26:36There's still fun on this programme.
26:37I've got a lot of points.
26:38This genuinely reminds me so much of school.
26:40He said,
26:41Don't put all of the...
26:43You're in there.
26:43And then Alan said,
26:44We're putting it all in.
26:46And I've gone along with him,
26:48and now I'm frightened.
26:49You know the woman's...
27:14You made me laugh, David.
27:16I told you before...
27:18You're in trouble.
27:19No.
27:19It's not funny.
27:20There's nothing funny about making people laugh.
27:24No, no, maybe.
27:25But...
27:26Oh, dear.
27:27Oh, dear.
27:27I've got oily hands.
27:28Mitchell's taken a lid off, sir.
27:29Mitchell's taken a lid off.
27:30It's not serious.
27:31This is not how it's supposed to happen at all.
27:34I love how broad Stephen's labor feels.
27:41Industrial...
27:45We all know why Aaron has industrial-strength tissues.
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