- 2 days ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:01here it is gentlemen the big problem 1313 experimental battery i can tell you now
00:00:07we've had orders to solve it from the top seat you mean wc wc the top seat
00:00:16as you know we've tried everything brilliance outstanding personality sheer naked courage
00:00:21the time has come to try something else oh and what's that sir sheer bloody ignorance
00:00:28how long you gonna be then sir how long when one is sent for by one's brigadier and to discuss
00:00:35a
00:00:35mission which is so hush-hush that even oneself doesn't know what it is one might be hard oh
00:00:40good in that case permission to pop down a naffy please sir i beg your pardon permission to pop
00:00:46down a naffy sir cobron the enemy is poised to strike across the channel the country is fighting
00:00:51for his life and you want to pop down the naffy oh well in that case i'll forget it i'm
00:00:56very pleased
00:00:57to hear it i'll beg your pardon sir
00:01:12who are you and what the devil are you doing down there captain millier reporting
00:01:16that's yourself down follow me to conference room
00:01:26oh right oh right why the bloody fanfare what's your bank new commanding officer
00:01:32blimey
00:01:36cobron sir that man he's wearing lipstick lipstick sir yeah where on his face what do you think
00:01:42well it must be a burn or a scar or something sir i hope you're right so do i
00:01:47really curtains baskets of flowers braziers pardon sir knickers same to you sir
00:01:54me
00:02:18captain millier no no you must have come to the wrong place my name's bull no no i'm over
00:02:24I'm Millie. Yes, Millie.
00:02:26Pity. Have a drink.
00:02:28Now, look here, Bull. I'm your relief.
00:02:30And there are certain things that...
00:02:32My relief? Oh, you little beauty.
00:02:36I could kiss you.
00:02:45You actually kiss me.
00:02:49My case!
00:02:52Hey! I say! My case!
00:03:03Welcome to 1-3-1-3 anti-aircraft battery, Sarr!
00:03:09Sarr, Major Bloomer, Sarr!
00:03:10Tiger to the troops.
00:03:12Oh, right. I can do that.
00:03:17It's not made of Bloomer, do you think?
00:03:18Ah!
00:03:20Get inside.
00:03:21Misha!
00:03:22Yes, Sousa! Get inside! At the double!
00:03:24Ah!
00:03:24Get inside!
00:03:36Drop your choices!
00:03:38But, Sarr, we have only just met.
00:03:41Drop them!
00:03:42That's an order!
00:03:58Ha!
00:03:59I see.
00:04:00Do you, sir?
00:04:02Sarr, Major, may I ask you a question?
00:04:06Sir, may I pull up my trousers?
00:04:09Huh?
00:04:09Oh, yes, yes. Get them up.
00:04:11What I want to know is, what men in this unit would wear the kind of underwear that I've seen
00:04:15hanging on a line?
00:04:18Good God!
00:04:19Some of them are wearing skirts, too!
00:04:22Well, they is not men, sir.
00:04:25Oh, what the blazes are they?
00:04:28Women, sir.
00:04:31You mean female?
00:04:33Oh, yes, sir.
00:04:35What's sir not told, sir?
00:04:36This is one of these new mixed batteries.
00:04:41So, that's what the Brigadier meant when he said that this battery was an experiment.
00:04:45Experiment, sir, they does not need to experiment.
00:04:47They get at it right away, and all the time.
00:04:55All right, then, section up!
00:04:59Oh, come on, come on, put each other down!
00:05:03Hang about, hang about. We don't want to give our new CO the right idea, do we?
00:05:09Right, right, turn!
00:05:13What's next?
00:05:15Right dress, Leonard.
00:05:16Oh, yeah.
00:05:16Ah, right dress!
00:05:32Two inches shorter on egotsy, right up my skirt.
00:05:40What's your name, son?
00:05:41Willing, sir.
00:05:43And yours?
00:05:44Abel, sir.
00:05:45Well, Willing and Abel, will you kindly tell me why it is necessary for you all to be squashed up
00:05:50like sardines in the tin?
00:05:52Oh, sir, just our way of keeping warm, sir.
00:05:55On the hottest day of the year?
00:05:57We've known it hotter than this, sir.
00:06:01Dressed properly!
00:06:01What do you think of this is?
00:06:03A love parade?
00:06:05Very witty, sir.
00:06:07You speak when you're spoken to.
00:06:09Do you hear me?
00:06:10Adjust your dress!
00:06:13No, no, no!
00:06:15One arm's length apart!
00:06:17Haven't you demonstrated this, sir, Major?
00:06:19Frequently, sir!
00:06:20Then do it again!
00:06:21On me!
00:06:23Parade!
00:06:24Doing as I do!
00:06:26Right dress!
00:06:29As you were!
00:06:30Watch me, watch me!
00:06:32Right!
00:06:33Right!
00:06:34Doing as I do!
00:06:36As you were, as you were!
00:06:37Did not you see what I was doing?
00:06:39Right dress!
00:06:39As you were!
00:06:40Not as they were.
00:06:41Leave them as they are.
00:06:43That's bizarre.
00:06:44As they are is horrible, sir!
00:06:46You're ruining my shoulder, Sergeant!
00:06:49Sorry, sir.
00:06:51Comes of, er...
00:06:51Comes of gripping balls, sir.
00:06:53Me?
00:06:54Yeah.
00:06:54Always ask one of these to answer.
00:06:56Fingers of steel, sir.
00:06:57Fingers of steel.
00:06:58Put it away.
00:06:59Let's get on with the inspection.
00:07:07You up there!
00:07:09What's your name?
00:07:10Oh, um...
00:07:11Ready, sir.
00:07:12Ready?
00:07:14Ready?
00:07:15Willing, and able.
00:07:17This is ridiculous, sir.
00:07:20What are you doing?
00:07:21Twishing, sir!
00:07:22God!
00:07:23I can see that, Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching?
00:07:25Because he...
00:07:27It's...
00:07:29It's...
00:07:29It's me...
00:07:30It's me...
00:07:32It's me...
00:07:32It's me...
00:07:32It's me...
00:07:33No, sir.
00:07:34Trying to twitch your ticket, eh?
00:07:36Well, it won't work, Bombardier.
00:07:37You're in the army for the duration.
00:07:39Twitch your way out of that.
00:07:43Ray!
00:07:43Ray!
00:07:44Ray!
00:07:46Twitch off!
00:07:48Wasted on me, boy.
00:07:50Good, Lord.
00:07:52Good heavens.
00:07:54Huh.
00:07:55Good man.
00:07:55And what's your name?
00:07:57Short house.
00:07:58Got a short house, sir.
00:07:59It's my name.
00:08:04And what is your name, my man?
00:08:06Sir.
00:08:06Woman.
00:08:07Jennifer Fuchs Sharp, sir.
00:08:09The Sharp with an E and two Fs in the Fuchs.
00:08:11How do you do?
00:08:14She, too, is a ball squeezer, sir.
00:08:18Do your shoelace up.
00:08:20And look sharp about it, sir.
00:08:21Oh, God.
00:08:26Oh!
00:08:28Oh, Tiger.
00:08:29I think you're wonderful.
00:08:31I think you're wonderful.
00:08:31When are you going to savage me?
00:08:33If only you was a man, I would source you out.
00:08:39Well, you seem to have put your foot in it.
00:08:41Not so much me foot, sir.
00:08:43More me big toe.
00:08:45What's wrong with your big toe?
00:08:46I sprained it, sir, didn't I?
00:08:47When I...
00:08:48Fell out of bed.
00:08:49Pushed out of bed, more like!
00:08:51Pushed out of bed, son major!
00:08:53What are you laughing at?
00:08:56Well...
00:08:57I'm happy, sir.
00:08:58Happy?
00:08:59What here?
00:09:01Well...
00:09:02He might have sprained something else, mightn't he?
00:09:08You trying to be funny, Gunner?
00:09:09Me, sir?
00:09:09You, sir?
00:09:10No, sir.
00:09:11Why are you blinking like that?
00:09:12I'm not blinking, sir. You are.
00:09:13I never blink...
00:09:14Neither do I, sir.
00:09:15You should blink it well, do.
00:09:16I blink it well, don't, sir.
00:09:17Sir Major!
00:09:17Which one of us two is blinking here?
00:09:21There is only one blinking man blinking your gunner.
00:09:23That's bloody you!
00:09:24Thank you, son major!
00:09:26And furthermore, if I catch you again on parade wearing my moustache...
00:09:29That moustache...
00:09:31You'll be on charge for impersonating an officer!
00:09:34Oh!
00:09:35Later, sir.
00:09:36Later.
00:09:38Who are you?
00:09:39Easy, sir.
00:09:41Quite possibly.
00:09:42What's your name?
00:09:43That is it, sir.
00:09:44Alice Easy.
00:09:46Oh.
00:09:47Well...
00:09:47Do a top button up.
00:09:49I can't.
00:09:50They won't let me.
00:09:51Who?
00:09:52Who won't let you?
00:09:54Them.
00:09:56Oh, nonsense.
00:09:56Do them up.
00:09:57Er...
00:09:57It up.
00:10:01Oh, good grace of me.
00:10:02Stand to attention, you are brave!
00:10:04Put those shoulders back!
00:10:07Oh, I do hope you're regular, sir.
00:10:11Regular?
00:10:12I've been regular for 18 years.
00:10:14Oh, good.
00:10:15That means I can have it back tomorrow, then.
00:10:17You'll have it back when I'm good and ready.
00:10:19Oh, that's all right.
00:10:21No need to strain yourself.
00:10:22Get off.
00:10:33You are a shower!
00:10:36A shambling shower!
00:10:38And I mean to shake you up more than somewhat!
00:10:42Salvador!
00:10:43Ah!
00:10:44Dismiss this shambling shower from my sight!
00:10:48Ah!
00:10:52Right!
00:10:54Right there!
00:10:57What?
00:10:58You are!
00:10:59You stupid...
00:11:00How is I expected to use the proper words with women present?
00:11:05Never mind!
00:11:06Never mind!
00:11:07Yes!
00:11:09Forget it!
00:11:13Go!
00:11:13Anyway!
00:11:23Ah, yes, sir.
00:11:24They give me an headache, too.
00:11:26It's not a headache.
00:11:27It's the stomach.
00:11:28There's a button in it.
00:11:29Hmm.
00:11:30What you might now call a belly button, sir.
00:11:32Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
00:11:33Oh, shut up!
00:11:35With respect, sir.
00:11:36Twenty years.
00:11:36I've been a sergeant major.
00:11:37Nobody told me to shut up before.
00:11:39I is the person what tells people to shut up, so it's one of the most important parts of my...
00:11:41Shut up!
00:11:46Now, sergeant major.
00:11:48What, in your opinion, is the thing most calculated to make things hot for this shower?
00:11:55Well?
00:11:58What's the matter with you, man?
00:11:59Have you been struck dumb?
00:12:02I asked you a question, sir.
00:12:04Has I got you a permission to break the silence?
00:12:06Well, of course you have your fool.
00:12:08Very well, sir.
00:12:09Kindly repeat the question.
00:12:12I repeat, what, in your opinion,
00:12:14is the thing most calculated to make things hot for this shower?
00:12:18Only one thing in my book, sir.
00:12:19Yes, yes, yes.
00:12:20Firing squad.
00:12:21Ah, yes, that's it.
00:12:25What sort of a suggestion is that, son mayor?
00:12:27The only one I asked to offer, sir.
00:12:29I has tried everything else.
00:12:30Oh, thank you, thank you.
00:12:31That's been a great help.
00:12:32It seems I shall have to think for both of us.
00:12:37I've got it.
00:12:39We're going to have an air raid.
00:12:40My God, sir, they will panic.
00:12:41This is just a practice.
00:12:43They'll still panic, sir.
00:12:43Yes, they will, won't they?
00:12:46The wind.
00:12:47Not me, sir.
00:12:48No, it's time to make a peace.
00:12:49The wind is what you and me are going to put up them.
00:12:54She's made a wind just to look at it.
00:12:56Leonard.
00:12:57What?
00:12:58I've got this feeling.
00:12:59No, not here till.
00:13:00There's a time and a place for everything.
00:13:01No, Leonard.
00:13:02Not that kind of feeling.
00:13:03Well, I didn't know you had any other sort.
00:13:05No.
00:13:06Listen.
00:13:07I've got this feeling that that new bloke's going to make trouble for us.
00:13:10What, that free pip squeaker?
00:13:12No, no, no.
00:13:12It's too little to be awkward.
00:13:13Squash him into the ground.
00:13:15Not worried about him.
00:13:17More worried about this.
00:13:19What are you supposed to do with it?
00:13:20Eat or rub it in?
00:13:20You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care.
00:13:25Right, Sergeant Major.
00:13:26They should just about be starting on their pudding.
00:13:29Now.
00:13:31Now, Sergeant Major.
00:13:32Sir?
00:13:33I said now.
00:13:34There is no need to shout, sir.
00:13:35What?
00:13:35I said there's no need to shout.
00:13:37What the places are you mumbling about, man?
00:13:39I said there's no need to shout.
00:13:40Who's shouting?
00:13:40You are.
00:13:41All I said was no.
00:13:42Sir.
00:13:42Thanks.
00:13:48Yeah.
00:13:49What's that?
00:13:51It can't be.
00:13:52It can't be what?
00:13:54What I think it is.
00:13:55What do you think it is?
00:13:57It's an air raid.
00:14:03Come on, come on, get him.
00:14:16I'll say one thing for them, Sergeant Major.
00:14:19They certainly know how to run.
00:14:20Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
00:14:22Of course, sir.
00:14:22They is running in the wrong direction.
00:14:25What?
00:14:26The gun emplacement is over there, sir.
00:14:28Well, why are they running that way, then?
00:14:30Air raid shelter, sir.
00:14:31Eh?
00:14:32Build it themselves, sir.
00:14:33They calls it the snoggery.
00:14:34I don't care what they call it or what they do with it.
00:14:35They can't be in it.
00:14:36There's an air raid on.
00:14:37And this is an anti-aircraft battery, innit?
00:14:40Is it?
00:14:51Bang!
00:14:54Bang!
00:14:56I could have sworn someone said bang.
00:14:59Oh, yeah, that...
00:15:01Oh, what a lovely idea.
00:15:06Lovely.
00:15:10I said bang!
00:15:12You heard what the officer said, you audible shower?
00:15:14He said bang!
00:15:15Don't you realise there's an air raid on?
00:15:18Do we have praise?
00:15:20Of course we do.
00:15:21Well then?
00:15:23Well, you shouldn't be out in it.
00:15:25Come in here with us, sir.
00:15:26There's plenty of room.
00:15:27Yes, do join us, tiger.
00:15:30I'm not coming in there.
00:15:31You are coming out here.
00:15:33What, with an air raid on?
00:15:34Well, as ladies present,
00:15:35you can't have them out in an air, right?
00:15:37No, you can't.
00:15:39There is no air raid.
00:15:41But you said there was.
00:15:43It's a mock air raid.
00:15:45Oh!
00:15:46Mock.
00:15:47I mock it.
00:15:48And you've made a mockery of it.
00:15:51That's nice, isn't it, that?
00:15:52You're having a mockery while we're having our group.
00:15:54I was just enjoying my spotted dick.
00:15:57Yeah.
00:15:58Shut up!
00:16:00All right.
00:16:01Carry on, son, ma'am.
00:16:03Carry on what, sir?
00:16:04Get him up!
00:16:04Get him out!
00:16:06Get him!
00:16:07Come on, niggas.
00:16:08Get out of that.
00:16:09Right!
00:16:10Get probably fighting outside.
00:16:11That's a double.
00:16:12Move yourselves, move yourselves.
00:16:13Get the lead out of your pants!
00:16:15Knickers, tiger.
00:16:16Knickers.
00:16:17What?
00:16:18Ladies, wear knickers.
00:16:20Pants on, knickers!
00:16:22Shift your arm!
00:16:24What's inside her?
00:16:25Now, look.
00:16:27For 20 years, I've worn his crown on my sleeve.
00:16:32You wouldn't like to be the cause of me losing it, would you?
00:16:34I mean, after all that serving of king and country.
00:16:40You tiger.
00:16:43You all have to talk to me, sirs, then.
00:16:45All out, or I'll break you in tune.
00:16:54Oh, no!
00:16:55You're probably setting in two rights.
00:16:56Move yourselves, move yourselves!
00:16:58Come on, come on, come on!
00:17:05Now, you dozy lot, when I say man the gun, I want you to double off to the emplacement.
00:17:14Now, man the gun!
00:17:23Oh, for heaven's sake.
00:17:25All right, woman the gun as well.
00:17:27Come on, you brownies!
00:17:29Let's have you!
00:17:30We got, we got, we got!
00:17:32One-eight-o, QE, three-o!
00:17:35Failing one-eight-o!
00:17:41Slow-eight-o!
00:17:46What the blue-blank places is that?
00:17:49It was a gun, sir.
00:17:51It's made of wood.
00:17:54What a real gun, yes, sir.
00:17:56A gun emplacement without a real gun?
00:17:59With respect, sir.
00:18:00Remember, there's a war on.
00:18:01Real guns is hard to come by.
00:18:03Permission to carry on with the gun drill, sir.
00:18:05Fire!
00:18:06Bang!
00:18:09What the devil's going on now?
00:18:11Oh, we're dead, sir.
00:18:12A round exploded in the breach.
00:18:14It's the ammunition we're being sent these days, sir.
00:18:18Anything wrong, sir?
00:18:20You've got quite white.
00:18:22It's that damn button.
00:18:24Kaskara.
00:18:25Oh, you're taking shorts on.
00:18:28Keep your voice down, Sergeant Man.
00:18:31Now, look here.
00:18:32You just carry on doing whatever it is you're doing.
00:18:36And I'll...
00:18:37Number two, descendants!
00:18:38Take post!
00:18:40Go to Barry!
00:18:41Nine-o!
00:18:42QE!
00:18:43Two-o!
00:18:44Nine-o!
00:18:45QE!
00:18:54Now, this time, just for me, let us get it right.
00:18:59All right.
00:19:01Yes!
00:19:02Yes!
00:19:05That was lovely.
00:19:06Good.
00:19:07Thank you very much.
00:19:08Get out of my sight.
00:19:11That includes you, food shop.
00:19:13Look shop.
00:19:28You may not frighten the enemy, sir, Major.
00:19:30But by heaven, you certainly frighten me.
00:19:33That was not my fault, sir.
00:19:34That was hers.
00:19:36Hey, hey.
00:19:38Get out of here, sir.
00:19:40What are you talking about?
00:19:41Whose fault?
00:19:42Oh, tiger.
00:19:44Let's go.
00:19:49Private Fouke Sharp, sir.
00:19:50His, after me.
00:19:52After you what for?
00:19:53She has designs on me, sir.
00:19:55Get this bloody thing off me!
00:19:57So.
00:19:59Oh.
00:19:59Oh, I...
00:20:00I seize you a predicament, sir.
00:20:02That I feel it.
00:20:03Get it off!
00:20:04Steady, sir.
00:20:04Resist me.
00:20:05Resist me, sir.
00:20:06I don't...
00:20:07Left hand on a bit.
00:20:08Careful, careful.
00:20:09Resist me, sir.
00:20:10You was not resisted.
00:20:11Pulling out!
00:20:12God, Major.
00:20:13We're getting nowhere fast.
00:20:15Perhaps you should, er, clench your cheeks, sir.
00:20:18They are clenched.
00:20:21Oh, yeah.
00:20:21That is true, sir.
00:20:23Forward march.
00:20:26Right.
00:20:27Clench the table, sir.
00:20:28All right.
00:20:29Now, grit your teeth,
00:20:30and we will have it off in a minute.
00:20:32Bit of leverage.
00:20:36All right.
00:20:37Brace yourself, sir.
00:20:40Is it off?
00:20:41Can't you feel the difference, sir?
00:20:42No.
00:20:43Then it must be you a bum is numb.
00:20:46Permission to un-numb bum, sir.
00:20:48Get on with it!
00:20:51I will soon bring the blood back to your cheek, sir.
00:20:55Cruel to be kind, sir.
00:20:56Cruel to be kind?
00:20:57If you're going to talk about being cruel to be kind,
00:21:00you may as well know that as far as that shower outside is concerned,
00:21:03that I intend to be cruel to be cruel!
00:21:09I is very worried, sir.
00:21:11You is very worried.
00:21:13I is worried about you, sir.
00:21:15Thank you very much, Sergeant Red.
00:21:16Very decent of you.
00:21:17I is worried, sir,
00:21:18because I think you is going to cause trouble,
00:21:19and they will not like it.
00:21:20The likes and dislikes of the men under my command,
00:21:23and neither here nor there, Sergeant Major.
00:21:24All I can say, sir,
00:21:26if you does not know the difference between you nor there,
00:21:28then you does not know the difference between men and women,
00:21:30and some of the men in this camp is women.
00:21:32They are all men to me.
00:21:35Oh, I wish they was, sir.
00:21:37I wish they was.
00:21:39I'd have them saluting till their arms dropped off.
00:21:41I'd run them till their legs dropped off,
00:21:42and I'd rant and roar till their ears dropped off!
00:21:47As from tomorrow,
00:21:49I intend to start a series of what I call my agony parades.
00:21:54In that case, sir, tomorrow morning,
00:21:55the only parade you is likely to see is sick parade.
00:22:01Right, who's first?
00:22:04What do you think these are, nurse?
00:22:06Come on, then.
00:22:07Oh! Oh, nurse!
00:22:08Oh, nurse!
00:22:10Nurse, I need assistance.
00:22:11Oh!
00:22:12Oh!
00:22:13Oh!
00:22:17All right, drop your trousers.
00:22:19But, sir, it's my ears, my nose, my throat,
00:22:22my throat, oh, and my knees, my feet, oh!
00:22:24Yes, well, I'll be the judge of that.
00:22:25Drop them.
00:22:34There's two aspirins, please.
00:22:45Right, next.
00:22:55Yeah, sure.
00:22:55Yeah.
00:22:56What did he say to you?
00:22:57He said, drop your trousers,
00:22:59he had a look,
00:23:00and he gave me two aspirins.
00:23:01And what sort of a doctor's here, then?
00:23:02Here we are,
00:23:03all pretending we've got different complaints,
00:23:04and he...
00:23:05Hey, short house!
00:23:06Yeah?
00:23:07What did he say to you?
00:23:08He said, drop your trousers,
00:23:10and he had a look,
00:23:10and he gave you two aspirins.
00:23:12No, he gave me half an aspirin.
00:23:14All right, drop your trousers.
00:23:15I've heard the business.
00:23:17I was quite...
00:23:19Have you noticed anything strange about me, sir?
00:23:25Yes, you haven't dropped your trousers.
00:23:27Two aspirins, nurse.
00:23:29Yes, sir.
00:23:29Thank you, sir.
00:23:30Hey, he told me to drop my trousers,
00:23:33and he gave me two of these.
00:23:34I'll get...
00:23:35Prins!
00:23:37All right, drop them.
00:23:43There's two aspirins, please.
00:23:50Where are they?
00:23:51They is all sick, sir.
00:23:52All of them?
00:23:53I told sir, so did not I, sir.
00:23:56Well, never mind.
00:23:57I've had a word with the M.O.
00:24:04There's my plan, and there's my orders.
00:24:08Right, Sergeant Major.
00:24:09Let them know that we're here.
00:24:10One, three, one, three, battery!
00:24:12Get on, Parada!
00:24:14I want you to run them into the ground.
00:24:16What about the females, sir?
00:24:18As far as I'm concerned,
00:24:19this is a unit, Sergeant Major.
00:24:20A unit, one piece.
00:24:22My duty is to make it an efficient unit.
00:24:23I'm unaware of males or females.
00:24:25To me, they're all alike.
00:24:26They are the same.
00:24:28Right, Sergeant Major.
00:24:30Give them hell.
00:24:37That is not the way!
00:24:40That is not the way!
00:24:42Well, one of your comrades
00:24:43is a shorthouse,
00:24:44like Shorthouse here.
00:24:46A taller man climbs up on him.
00:24:48Down, Shorthouse.
00:24:50Do not but Sergeant Major Major.
00:24:52Get down!
00:24:53Watch me.
00:24:55Right, Snaggy.
00:24:56Ha!
00:25:00Keep your hands!
00:25:01Keep your hands!
00:25:04Get back!
00:25:06Now, pay attention.
00:25:08You cannot go under the wire.
00:25:10You have to go over the wire,
00:25:12which means that one of you
00:25:14has to lie on top of the wire
00:25:16and let the rest of them walk over him.
00:25:20Right.
00:25:20One volunteer.
00:25:22Pure.
00:25:23Me?
00:25:24Move yourself!
00:25:27That is not the way!
00:25:28That is not the way!
00:25:29Fall out!
00:25:30Move yourself!
00:25:31Watch me!
00:25:32Watch me!
00:25:32Help!
00:25:34Help!
00:25:36Get over!
00:25:39Help!
00:25:44Next!
00:25:47No, no, no, no, no!
00:25:48That is not the way!
00:25:50You must not stop to think!
00:25:52Are you sure this rope is safe, Sergeant Major?
00:25:53Safe, safe, course it's safe.
00:25:55Watch me!
00:26:02Well done, Sergeant Major
00:26:04Fingers off steel, boy
00:26:05Fingers off steel
00:26:08Right
00:26:10Right, Gunner
00:26:11You return now
00:26:16Well done, Sergeant Major
00:26:20I've drowned a lot of you, haven't I?
00:26:24Sergeant Major
00:26:27Yes, I'm grateful
00:26:28I'm sorry
00:26:30Major
00:26:33Come on, Sergeant Major
00:26:34Wake up, only for you
00:26:39Come on, Sergeant Major
00:26:40Come on, Sergeant Major
00:26:43Come on, Sergeant Major
00:26:46Come on, Sergeant Major
00:26:47Come on, Sergeant Major
00:26:48Oh, it's you, Sergeant Major
00:26:51Have you gone mad, Sergeant Major?
00:26:53You sort of walked into my nightmare, sir
00:26:55I thought you were short, sir
00:26:56Oh, I'm sorry
00:26:59And so you're done well should be, man
00:27:02I've got your answer, sir
00:27:03Where is it?
00:27:04Sorry, up now
00:27:05Right, Sergeant Major
00:27:08Now that you're on your feet
00:27:09I'm going to blast their blasted evening
00:27:11What have you got in mind, sir?
00:27:12Oh, a surprise kiss inspection
00:27:14Oh, men's hut first
00:27:29Get those pants down
00:27:32Not bloody likely
00:27:39Having a musical soire, are they?
00:27:41Sounds more like a tango to me, sir
00:27:42Oh, come on, Sergeant Major
00:27:51Let me approach
00:27:54Operation Scarper
00:27:59You was covered in something
00:28:01Oh, distasteful
00:28:03I'm aware of that
00:28:05Are you going to change or what, sir?
00:28:07I mean, it's a bit of a pong
00:28:09Sergeant Major, when I start something
00:28:12I go through with it
00:28:13Come hell and high water
00:28:15And whatever this is
00:28:19Tell them I'm here
00:28:26Ciao!
00:28:27Commanding officer!
00:28:47Your nostrils, son
00:28:50My nostrils, sir
00:28:52They're twitching
00:28:55Oh, it's like suddenly
00:28:57There's a funny sort of smell
00:28:59Coming to the huts
00:29:01Why do you think that is, Sergeant?
00:29:05Well, it's like suddenly
00:29:07Oh, someone's come in
00:29:08He was covered all over with shit
00:29:11Oh, something nasty, sir
00:29:13Yes
00:29:15Someone is
00:29:17Me!
00:29:24Now, Sergeant
00:29:26How do you suppose
00:29:28That occurred?
00:29:31No, I can't say, sir
00:29:32I can
00:29:34Tripwire
00:29:35A tripwire, sir?
00:29:36It tripped me
00:29:37Right in it
00:29:41Right into the
00:29:43Yes
00:29:47How do you suppose
00:29:50It got there?
00:29:52What, you mean the
00:29:53You know perfectly
00:29:54Where the officer
00:29:54Means the tripwire
00:29:55I'm doing the talking
00:29:56So, you know
00:29:58Well
00:30:03Well
00:30:06Well, sir
00:30:07That
00:30:08That
00:30:08Is a trap
00:30:10For Nazi paratroopers, sir
00:30:12Am I
00:30:13A Nazi paratrooper?
00:30:14Oh, no, sir
00:30:15You're one of us
00:30:17I think
00:30:18Explain yourself, Sergeant
00:30:20Well, sir
00:30:22In this hut
00:30:23We are usually
00:30:24Otherwise engaged
00:30:26You know
00:30:27Kipping
00:30:27And things like that
00:30:29And
00:30:29Well, we thought
00:30:30Some sort of
00:30:31Well, early warning system
00:30:32Was necessary
00:30:33I mean
00:30:34You can't trust that
00:30:34It around a bend
00:30:35Can you, sir?
00:30:36And this unit
00:30:37Prides itself
00:30:38On being ever ready
00:30:40Yes, Sergeant
00:30:41No, no, no
00:30:41Bombardier ready
00:30:42I wasn't talking to you
00:30:42I am addressing
00:30:44The commanding officer
00:30:47What is that man
00:30:48Doing sitting at detention
00:30:49On that man's shoulders
00:30:51Oh, sir
00:30:52That's presence
00:30:53Of an officer, sir
00:30:54But why
00:30:55Sitting on someone's shoulders
00:30:56Well, sir
00:30:57What with short house
00:30:58Having such a fine head of air
00:30:59We'll use him
00:31:00To keep the cobwebs down
00:31:01Ready
00:31:01Give the officer
00:31:03A demonstration
00:31:03My egg
00:31:04My egg is bang
00:31:05My egg
00:31:06Ow, careful
00:31:07You're bang
00:31:08Ow, careful
00:31:09Get off balance
00:31:10Enough of that
00:31:12Enough of that
00:31:12Get down that man
00:31:14I'm major
00:31:14Ah
00:31:15Come on, come on, come on
00:31:19What the devil
00:31:20Get properly dressed
00:31:21Do yourself up, lad
00:31:23Do your flies up that man
00:31:24Your brains is catching cold
00:31:26Ah
00:31:27Let it out
00:31:28Let it out
00:31:34Hang properly to attention
00:31:36That man
00:31:38You call that thing
00:31:39It ain't
00:31:40Oh, guess a minute, Sergeant Major
00:31:41Never mind that, Sergeant Major
00:31:43What the devil is this?
00:31:45Ah
00:31:47Yes, sir
00:31:47You see, those, sir
00:31:48Are earmuffs, sir
00:31:50A trophy award, it is, sir
00:31:53Earmuffs
00:31:53Trophy award
00:31:55Captured from one of them
00:31:55German ATS
00:31:56During the retreat
00:31:57From Dunkirk, sir
00:31:59It says made in England
00:32:03Who's that sneezing
00:32:04Up in the loft?
00:32:04Oh, that was him, sir
00:32:06Couldn't have been
00:32:06Have you seen him talking?
00:32:07Yeah
00:32:08Yeah, well, he was talking
00:32:10And then
00:32:10Then he sneezed, sir
00:32:13I didn't see him
00:32:14Ah, no, sir
00:32:15Well, I would never knowingly sneeze
00:32:16In the presence of an officer, sir
00:32:17So he sort of
00:32:18He threw his sneeze up
00:32:20Up into the loft
00:32:22Didn't you, ready?
00:32:24Er, yes, Sergeant
00:32:25Are you a ventriloquist?
00:32:27Oh, no, sir
00:32:27Church of England
00:32:29Do you pursue the ventriloquial art?
00:32:32In an amateurish sort of way
00:32:33Yes, sir
00:32:34Do it again
00:32:35Er, again
00:32:37Er, you mean
00:32:38You want me to
00:32:39Er, throw
00:32:40Throw my voice
00:32:41And sneeze up in the loft
00:32:43Again
00:32:43Sir
00:32:44Yes, now
00:32:45I saw your lips move
00:32:47I didn't
00:32:48I did distinctly
00:32:49I should give it up
00:32:50If I were you
00:32:51You're not very good at it
00:32:53Come to think of it
00:32:54The state of this hut
00:32:55Is not very good either
00:32:56In fact
00:32:57It's horrible
00:33:01In the time it takes me
00:33:02To shower
00:33:04You shower
00:33:04Will clean this place up
00:33:06I want this floor polished
00:33:07From wall to wall
00:33:08Under the beds
00:33:09Round the stove
00:33:12Polish shit everywhere
00:33:14I want it
00:33:15So that I
00:33:16He might hazel it
00:33:20You had what the officer said
00:33:22Get on with it
00:33:24Er, now, now, now
00:33:26Something has got to be done
00:33:28And then what he wants
00:33:29What does he want?
00:33:31He wants us to polish the floor, Sergeant
00:33:44Oh, he's in it again
00:33:48Oh, he's in it again
00:33:57Oh
00:33:57You
00:34:01You
00:34:02You
00:34:03You
00:34:03You
00:34:09What has happened?
00:34:12He went through so fast
00:34:15I think he might have been taken short again.
00:34:18Yeah, it's quite a nasty friction burn you've got there.
00:34:20What have you been doing, eh? Asking about?
00:34:22A drop of calamine will soon get to the bottom of this one.
00:34:24What?
00:34:25I will cancel the route march, sir.
00:34:27You do no such thing, Sir Major.
00:34:29No choice, sir. Both your uniforms is at the cleaner.
00:34:31Yes, I know that.
00:34:33With respect, sir, you cannot go on a route march in your underpants
00:34:35and with a burnt bum to boot.
00:34:38Get me a battledress, Sir Major, from battalion stores, you fool!
00:34:41I've already rung these stores, sir,
00:34:42and there's nothing for a little herb in your size, sir.
00:34:45You must say, this is a bit near the ground, eh?
00:34:46Oh, I...
00:34:47Get me a battledress, Sir Major! I don't care how you get me!
00:34:50But get it!
00:34:57You expect me to do?
00:34:58Knitting one?
00:34:59Short arse...
00:35:03Is it?
00:35:04Short arse?
00:35:05Little Gunner's short arse!
00:35:08My best walkin' out battledress, Sergeant Major!
00:35:10Do not bandy words with me, lovely boy,
00:35:13or I will raise my right leg six inches from the ground,
00:35:16place my number ten firmly on the top of your head,
00:35:19and press you straight through the floorboards!
00:35:22Nice!
00:35:23Best walking out battledress, short arse, please!
00:35:27But what if he wants to go walkin' out, Sergeant Major?
00:35:30Then he will just have to stay in!
00:35:32Oh, flippin' heck!
00:35:34Only one man round you allowed to use bad language, Gunner,
00:35:36and you is looking at him!
00:35:39Get it out, lovely boy!
00:35:41Get it out!
00:35:43Pardon?
00:35:45The battledress.
00:35:46Get it out!
00:35:46Sergeant Major!
00:35:59I do not know about walking out in it.
00:36:02Looks like you've been sleeping out in it!
00:36:04Get it pressed like it's never been worn,
00:36:05stick three pips on, bring it over the battery office in ten milliwatts!
00:36:08And by the way, the whole of the mixed section will parade at 0900 hours.
00:36:13You is going walkies.
00:36:15Walkies?
00:36:16Say Rootmarsh!
00:36:19I is looking forward to seeing you off on them twelve foot blistering miles.
00:36:24I cannot wait to wish you luck as you waves me goodbye.
00:36:31Twelve miles?
00:36:32So, you see, Tilly, I wanted to ask your advice.
00:36:36I mean, you being a woman and all that.
00:36:39Oh, so you've noticed?
00:36:40Yes.
00:36:41A couple of times.
00:36:43Now, Leonard, we're on duty.
00:36:47You see, the little perisher is going to wear this on the march.
00:36:51Him?
00:36:52No, no, not him.
00:36:53Him!
00:36:53Captain Flippin' S Smelly!
00:36:55Oh, Smelly himself?
00:36:57Yeah.
00:36:57So, with all your knowledge of sewing and that,
00:37:01what can we do to sabotage Shorty's walking-outs?
00:37:07Yeah, I don't want anybody sabotaging my walking-out!
00:37:09Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
00:37:10It's either your walking-outs or our feet.
00:37:17Well, Tilt...
00:37:21I don't know.
00:37:22I just don't know.
00:37:25Built to withstand all the rigours of wars, these.
00:37:27Yeah, I know that, but what are we going to do?
00:37:30Wait a minute.
00:37:34I'm waiting.
00:37:36Anti-gas bleach.
00:37:37Anti-gas bleach.
00:37:39Anti-gas bleach?
00:37:40Oh, Leonard, get me some!
00:37:42Ready, get me some!
00:37:47All right.
00:37:48You got a match?
00:37:49Yeah, you're...
00:37:54Uh...
00:38:00This'll make him hope a bit.
00:38:14Fight!
00:38:16Fight!
00:38:17Help!
00:38:28Fight!
00:38:29Ready for route march, sir!
00:38:31Thank you, sir Major.
00:38:33Thank you, sir Major.
00:38:41Fake!
00:38:42Go!
00:38:49Bye!
00:38:55Go!
00:38:57Go!
00:38:58Go!
00:39:01Go!
00:39:03Go!
00:39:04Go!
00:39:04Go!
00:39:04Go!
00:39:04Go!
00:39:04Go!
00:39:06Don't be on the ground!
00:39:10What the devil do you think you're doing, sir, Major?
00:39:12Seen you off, sir.
00:39:14Somebody has to hold the fort.
00:39:16A fort with only a wooden gun.
00:39:19Doesn't need holding.
00:39:20Fall in at the rear.
00:39:22With respect, sir, I cannot do route marches with my feet.
00:39:25Well, you certainly can't do one without them.
00:39:30Fall in.
00:39:31Sir.
00:39:37Mixed section.
00:39:39And some measure.
00:39:42Quick.
00:39:43March.
00:40:20You seems to have come a partner.
00:40:23These seem some.
00:40:31Mixed section.
00:40:33Pound.
00:40:47Left.
00:40:48Ah!
00:40:50Ha!
00:40:53Ha!
00:40:56Ha!
00:40:57Ha!
00:40:57Ha!
00:40:57Ha!
00:40:59Ha!
00:41:01Ha!
00:41:02Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:41:34Salvation!
00:41:36Put them all on a charge!
00:41:39Every man, jack and woman of them.
00:41:43You, is all on a charge.
00:41:48What is a charge, sir?
00:41:52Laafing!
00:41:54of duty!
00:42:12F-I-F-I-F-I-F, defoders, help, hands off.
00:42:20Marcher means, sir, major.
00:42:22One at eight times, sir.
00:42:23They're all on the same charge.
00:42:25I'll see them all together.
00:42:27Da!
00:42:28Defoders, opposite sex first, single file, double bar!
00:42:32If I need my knife, I'll move yourself!
00:42:34If I need my knife, I'll move yourself!
00:42:39If I need my knife, I'll move yourself!
00:42:40If I need my knife, I'll move yourself!
00:42:41Oh!
00:42:45Where are you, sir?
00:42:48Oh, holy hell.
00:42:50Sergeant, major.
00:42:52Class of you, sir, raise your hand, sir!
00:43:00You can't even remove your...
00:43:01I can't!
00:43:02I'm squashed!
00:43:03Take a deep breath, folk.
00:43:05Fooks up.
00:43:09Never mind where I am, Sergeant Major.
00:43:12Read the charge.
00:43:14Ah!
00:43:15Default as did.
00:43:16What's on duty indulge in unauthorized laughter,
00:43:19in contravention of King's regulations,
00:43:21and Warhoff's instructions, sir?
00:43:23Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
00:43:26no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:43:30Well, you can't remove those things from mine.
00:43:34I said you're all confined to camp for two weeks.
00:43:38Carry on, Sergeant Major.
00:43:39So!
00:43:41About turn!
00:43:42So about!
00:43:43And I have to go!
00:43:45What are you?
00:43:48What are you?
00:43:50What are you?
00:43:50What are you?
00:43:50What are you?
00:43:51What are you?
00:43:51What are you?
00:43:52What are you?
00:43:52What are you doing?
00:43:52What are you doing?
00:43:56What are you doing?
00:43:58Shut the door.
00:44:06Well, that'll teach them.
00:44:09What are you shaking your head for?
00:44:11They will not mind being confined to camp, sir.
00:44:14Nonsense.
00:44:15Every sort of mind is being confined to camp.
00:44:17Not when half of them is women, sir.
00:44:20They is happy.
00:44:21Happy?
00:44:23It has always been my proud boast, sir,
00:44:25in all my time as a Sergeant Major.
00:44:27In all my camps,
00:44:28there has never been a single solitary sign of happiness.
00:44:31Till now.
00:44:35Why, man?
00:44:36Why?
00:44:37This lot got everything they want yours, sir.
00:44:41Such as?
00:44:42Bit of this, bit of that.
00:44:44A lot of that, actually.
00:44:45A lot of what?
00:44:47You know, sir, that.
00:44:51Surely you don't mean a bit of the other.
00:44:55This, that, all the others.
00:44:56So, no matter what you call it,
00:44:56they is at it all the time.
00:44:58In and out of each other's quarters,
00:44:59like fiddlers' elbows.
00:45:02Are they indeed?
00:45:03Well, that is something
00:45:04to which I'm going to put a bloody stop.
00:45:06With respect, sir,
00:45:07we cannot stop them
00:45:08getting up to what they gets up to
00:45:09without staying up all night.
00:45:12That will not be necessary, Sergeant Major.
00:45:15Sir?
00:45:16We will build a Chester defense.
00:45:19A what, sir?
00:45:20A sort of a big belt.
00:45:22Ooh, made of barbed wire.
00:45:27God.
00:45:28That sounds a bit uncomfortable, sir.
00:45:33To wit?
00:45:34To who?
00:45:38The last one, Sergeant Major.
00:45:40Steady man, you've caught me
00:45:41up in the field dressing.
00:45:43Come on.
00:45:45Lightly.
00:46:01Well, I think congratulations
00:46:03are in order, Sergeant Major.
00:46:04Thank you, sir.
00:46:05Well, not you, you fool.
00:46:07Me.
00:46:07Come on.
00:46:08Let's get back.
00:46:09Well, gratitude for you, sir.
00:46:22Private Easy.
00:46:23Yes, Sergeant?
00:46:24Make the signal to Sergeant Abel.
00:46:27Code or plain language?
00:46:29Plain language.
00:46:30Right away.
00:46:47Ready?
00:46:49Sergeant?
00:46:51Make to Sergeant Welling
00:46:52message received
00:46:54and understood.
00:46:56Sergeant?
00:47:03Alice, I don't think
00:47:04I can hold this pose
00:47:06much longer.
00:47:07I'll get cramp.
00:47:09Really?
00:47:10Oh, Leonard,
00:47:11what's keeping you?
00:47:13Oh.
00:47:14I told you so, Sergeant.
00:47:16It's not only barbed wire,
00:47:17that's rusty.
00:47:18Rusty?
00:47:19I'll get blood poisoning
00:47:20out of my ooter.
00:47:21Will you shut up
00:47:21about your ooter?
00:47:22It's the only one I got.
00:47:23You don't think
00:47:24the girls have gone off us,
00:47:26do you?
00:47:26No, no,
00:47:26this has got nothing
00:47:26to do with the girls.
00:47:27I'll tell you what this is.
00:47:28This is a right load
00:47:30of old smelly.
00:47:31Smelly?
00:47:32To her up way.
00:47:33Stop doing that.
00:47:34Sorry.
00:47:34He can't do that to us.
00:47:36Yeah, well,
00:47:36he's done it, hasn't he?
00:47:36But it's inhuman.
00:47:38Well, he ain't human.
00:47:39Well, he ain't gonna
00:47:39get away with it.
00:47:40Double back to the hut
00:47:41and fetch it in it.
00:47:42Right.
00:47:42What for?
00:47:43You just do as I told you.
00:47:44Yeah, but I don't understand.
00:47:45Oh, Scarpa!
00:47:46Yes, Sergeant.
00:47:46Right, here.
00:47:48Now, listen.
00:47:49Now, you all know
00:47:50the drill
00:47:50for this sort of operation?
00:47:52I am asking for
00:47:55they volunteer.
00:47:58Right, Sarge.
00:48:01Well done, son.
00:48:03Congratulations.
00:48:04Thank you very much, Sarge.
00:48:07What for?
00:48:07You have just volunteered.
00:48:09Oh, have I?
00:48:10Yeah, put your arm on.
00:48:11Cover yourself up.
00:48:12No, no, not on your head.
00:48:13Cover your...
00:48:14Hey, I don't understand.
00:48:15Park show him, will you?
00:48:16What do you mean?
00:48:18That's right now.
00:48:19Just hold it right there.
00:48:20What for?
00:48:20Well, so she don't do
00:48:21yourself an injury
00:48:22when she lays down
00:48:22across the wire.
00:48:23What?
00:48:25Right, come on, lads.
00:48:26The girls is getting cold.
00:48:27No, no, not the wire, Sarge.
00:48:28Please, no, no, Sarge.
00:48:29I'll do anything.
00:48:30Not on the wire.
00:48:31Three, Sarge.
00:48:32No, Sarge.
00:48:33One, two, three, four.
00:48:35I don't want to...
00:48:35Ah!
00:48:40Oh, blimey.
00:48:41Ready?
00:48:41What have you done?
00:48:43Nothing.
00:48:44Hey?
00:48:45Oh, come on.
00:48:46Oh, neck.
00:48:49Oh, keep your hand
00:48:50on your helmet,
00:48:50for God's sake.
00:48:51Otherwise, you'll be
00:48:52ruined for life.
00:48:52Oh!
00:48:53Oh!
00:48:53Over to each of me.
00:48:54There we go.
00:48:55Oh!
00:48:56Careful, daddy.
00:48:56Careful, daddy.
00:48:57Careful, daddy.
00:48:58Careful, daddy.
00:48:59Oh!
00:48:59Oh!
00:49:01Oh!
00:49:02Oh!
00:49:05Oh!
00:49:05Oh!
00:49:05Oh!
00:49:05Wake up!
00:49:06Oh!
00:49:21Wake up!
00:49:21Wake up!
00:49:22And I thought he was
00:49:23just a little basket.
00:49:25Well, what is he, then, Sarge?
00:49:28A cunning little basket.
00:49:32Oh, what's that.
00:49:32Oh!
00:49:32Oh!
00:49:32Oh!
00:49:39Ooh!
00:49:47morning sir good morning you requested my presents at this early hour sir yes i did
00:49:53indeed why did i interrupt your sleep doesn't worry me sir well i should think not indeed
00:49:59well uh it's coming up for the hour five four three two one sound the revali
00:50:06revali yes no wakey wakey get up and win the war when i'm on my feet everyone's on their feet
00:50:12beg pardon sir but i's found you gets more out of this shower if they is allowed to
00:50:17wake up sort of gradual like well from now on they're going to wake up sort of sudden like
00:50:26if they gets up on the wrong side sir they can make your life a bloody misery all day
00:50:31yes well i'm the man who makes lives bloody miserable sound major sound the revali there
00:50:36you are sir i think i can safely say that this is definitely going to give them the needle
00:50:50stand by
00:51:00blimey don't be all past thick what a liberty here turn that off oh my god give it a rest
00:51:07you know what's that sounds like revali well turn the bloody thing off you can't turn off the
00:51:14tannoy sarge get on ready shoulders and stuff something up it what can i stuff up it sarge
00:51:19well i don't know your head your arse your elbow hurry up i'm trying to get some kick
00:51:25you ready what and it's my pillow can't you remember anything what's the matter what you're saying
00:51:31get it out of me face there we are no it's stopped but take me back again
00:51:43wakey wakey rise and shine you may break your mother's ass but you will not break mine
00:51:48back how dare you stuff the commanding officer whilst he is talking and stuff him at once get
00:51:54time and get dressed and the rest of you what does you think you is doing well we was we
00:51:59was trying
00:52:00to get some kip but you you was out all night to kip now then off your backs on your
00:52:05feet and get into
00:52:06them a blue shot at the table airplanes what's all this what's all this about inside major aircraft
00:52:20recognition these is your new pinups i bet none of you can tell the difference between a couple of
00:52:25high ankles and a pair of bristols no but i can recognize a fucker when i see one good boy
00:52:32that is
00:52:33why you is a sergeant attention all 80s personnel i'm going to make men of you as from this moment
00:52:47skirts will not be worn skirts will not be worn oh that could be a bit drafty battle dress trousers
00:52:55will
00:52:56be worn that is all wait a minute private easy did you hear what he just said well of course
00:53:05we did
00:53:06that's what we're all talking about no no no bombardier murray he said his exact words were battle dress
00:53:13trousers will be worn that is all yes so he did
00:53:27all right
00:53:28wakey wakey rise and shine all 80s personnel taking breakfast falling outside under corporal murray
00:53:37come along girls fall in
00:53:42how how dare you come on parade improperly dressed we're only obeying orders aren't major
00:53:47hoarders oh orders who's orders his sirs where to wear battle dress trousers and that's all
00:53:54The officer would never give a hoarder like that.
00:53:56His very words.
00:53:57The dirty little...
00:53:57What the devil's going on here?
00:54:02Why are these men half naked?
00:54:04Because, sir, you said they were to come on parade wearing trousers, and that is all.
00:54:07I did not.
00:54:08Oh, yes, you did, sir.
00:54:10Oh, no, I didn't.
00:54:11Oh, yes, you did.
00:54:12Oh, no, I didn't.
00:54:13Oh, yes, you did.
00:54:15Quiet!
00:54:17I'm going to make a couple of points here.
00:54:18Sir Major, when I said that's all, I didn't mean that's all.
00:54:21I meant that's all, that's all.
00:54:22That sounds like a lot of alls, sir.
00:54:26The cold wind of change is going to blow through this camp.
00:54:29This, I promise you.
00:54:30So you'd better take cover.
00:54:42I have now...
00:54:44Do you mind, son?
00:54:48I have now taken you apart.
00:54:51And from now on, that is how you will stay.
00:54:57Apart.
00:55:00You will eat apart.
00:55:02You will march apart.
00:55:05You will live apart.
00:55:12I don't.
00:55:13During gun drills, which will now take place daily, gas masks will be worn at all times.
00:55:20Do I make myself clear?
00:55:24There will be compulsory nights out every night until 23.59 hours.
00:55:30Transport will be provided.
00:55:33Eight years, Mondays, men on Tuesdays.
00:55:36Look at him laughing at us.
00:55:37Look.
00:55:44Look at him laughing at us.
00:55:51Look.
00:55:51Yee.
00:55:56Yee.
00:55:56How did he get into our army?
00:55:59Zeke aisle, Melly.
00:56:09I've got it!
00:56:11I've got it!
00:56:12We're back!
00:56:13So is he.
00:56:14We'll take it outside.
00:56:16We'll throw a bucket of water on it.
00:56:20I've got it!
00:56:22I've got it!
00:56:23What a waste!
00:56:24Oh, poor devil.
00:56:27Let it.
00:56:28Right, you lot.
00:56:29Over here.
00:56:31Come on, move yourselves.
00:56:33Now this is the plan.
00:56:35We are going to dig a tunnel.
00:56:41A tunnel, love!
00:56:44It won't be as dark as that.
00:56:47Come on, at least.
00:56:56Here.
00:56:57Get some out.
00:56:57Yeah.
00:56:59Oh!
00:57:00Let's cut them off.
00:57:01Oh!
00:57:02Oh!
00:57:02Oh!
00:57:03Oh!
00:57:04Oh!
00:57:04Oh!
00:57:04Oh!
00:57:04Oh!
00:57:06Oh!
00:57:08Never thought I'd find a use for my army knickers.
00:57:10Or any other kind, dear.
00:57:12Cheeky!
00:57:13No!
00:57:14Keep it up, girls!
00:57:15The boys ain't half gonna get a surprise!
00:57:35Heel, Hitler!
00:57:36Heel!
00:57:37Come on, son-me-dum!
00:57:38Security patrol!
00:57:43Is that the best the military police could send you?
00:57:45Yours may be bigger than mine, sir.
00:57:47But I've been told, mine's got more bite.
00:57:50Oh, come on, Hitler!
00:57:52Go on, muscle!
00:57:58What's that?
00:58:00What's what?
00:58:01What?
00:58:02Sounds like somebody tunneling.
00:58:04Oh, that's you, innit?
00:58:07What was that?
00:58:08What?
00:58:10It sounded like somebody digging.
00:58:13That was you.
00:58:15Oh, yes, of course it was.
00:58:16Check the pedallot, sir, ranger!
00:58:18Oh!
00:58:24Sir, ranger, you keep that dog of yours under control.
00:58:28Well, I understand his house train, sir, but not outside train.
00:58:33Come on, Hitler!
00:58:34Come on.
00:58:40Yes, sir.
00:58:43They're patrolling.
00:58:45Not a word. Pass it back.
00:58:47Pass it back.
00:58:49Heel Hitler.
00:58:51Heel. Steady muscle.
00:58:59Quiet.
00:59:02It's not me.
00:59:03It's me. It's me.
00:59:04It's me.
00:59:08There's no bones buried around here.
00:59:13That's it. Put yourself together.
00:59:15Cut back to you.
00:59:16That was a close call.
00:59:19That was nearly a dog's dinner.
00:59:23Please hold them still.
00:59:25How can I get anything in those?
00:59:34It's me.
00:59:51Tilly, darling.
00:59:53Guess who's here.
00:59:55Oh, oh, oh.
00:59:58Leonard, to list.
00:59:59I'm over.
01:00:01Your Tilly's cold.
01:00:04Leonard?
01:00:07Leonard!
01:00:09Tilly?
01:00:10Where the hell are you?
01:00:13Hey, Sarge. Here.
01:00:18Oh, no.
01:00:20We must have tunneled back into our own hut.
01:00:23Oh.
01:00:23No.
01:00:24No, no, no, no, no.
01:00:26Don't be stupid, stupid.
01:00:28The girls must have had the same idea.
01:00:31So therein' are.
01:00:32So therein'.
01:00:34Come on.
01:00:35Come on.
01:00:37Come on.
01:01:24Come on.
01:01:26Come on.
01:01:27What do you mean, no?
01:01:30Listen,
01:01:31If we wait here, they will come to us, right?
01:01:37We are going to sit here quietly and they will come to us.
01:01:41Yes.
01:01:43Hear anything?
01:01:45Only you.
01:01:50Reveille?
01:01:52Has it all night?
01:01:54Yes.
01:01:55And not even a nibble.
01:01:56We can't be.
01:02:03Wait!
01:02:04Wait!
01:02:05Wait!
01:02:06It's stopped!
01:02:13Stand at ease.
01:02:15Easy.
01:02:17This is a great day for 1313 Experimental Battery.
01:02:21And an even better night for us, Leonard.
01:02:24Are you coming down my tunnel, or am I going up yours?
01:02:26As a result, Headquarters have at last agreed to send us that most desirable piece of equipment to have handy
01:02:32in time of war, namely a gun.
01:02:35May God protect us all.
01:02:37The Brigadier himself will be here tomorrow for a full inspection, and I hope to see us in action.
01:02:46Come.
01:02:47Here she comes.
01:02:47Hurry!
01:02:48I can't!
01:02:49Shut!
01:03:01He goes over how totally a fool me.
01:03:14Come it up!
01:03:15Ah!
01:03:15Culprits to my office!
01:03:17At once!
01:03:18Sir!
01:03:22Right!
01:03:23You horrible stinking shower!
01:03:26I want the guilty party, on the word of command, male or female, to take one pace forward.
01:03:31Guilty party, one pace forward.
01:03:34Purge!
01:03:36The ground, cut from under our feet, and I am determined to get to the bottom of it.
01:03:42Answer me!
01:03:43You!
01:03:43Yes, sir.
01:03:45Answer me!
01:03:46Well, I have, sir.
01:03:48Who's responsible?
01:03:49Answer me!
01:03:50Moles, sir.
01:03:51Huh?
01:03:52Well, I think it was moles, sir.
01:03:56Who is responsible?
01:03:57You.
01:03:58I think it was moles, sir.
01:03:59I think it was moles, too, sir.
01:04:01Moles.
01:04:02Moles?
01:04:03Of course, you don't get your ordinary type of mole round here, sir.
01:04:06Huh?
01:04:06Oh, no, sir.
01:04:07These is all whopping great big'uns, sir.
01:04:10How big?
01:04:11Oh, well, er, as big as that big dog of yours, sir.
01:04:16Moles.
01:04:16As big as Great Danes.
01:04:18Oh, no.
01:04:19Bigger, really?
01:04:21Bigger?
01:04:22Hmm.
01:04:23You know that hill outside the camp, sir?
01:04:25Yes.
01:04:27That's a mole hill.
01:04:30Good Lord, that hill must be 20 feet high.
01:04:33Hmm?
01:04:33Well, sir, that just goes to show you, doesn't it?
01:04:40Son Major.
01:04:41Sir.
01:04:42Have you ever seen these beasts?
01:04:44I have not, sir.
01:04:45Thank you, son Major.
01:04:46And if I may say so, sir, if I had seen such a animal, you would need a gun as
01:04:51big as the one that went down the hall to shoot it with.
01:04:54Thank you very much, sir Major.
01:04:56I'm going to get down.
01:05:00Son's willing and able, you have just told me a tissue!
01:05:04Thank you, sir.
01:05:06Of lies.
01:05:08The whole lot of you are going to remove my gun from his present hole and put it in his
01:05:14proper hole.
01:05:15I don't care how you do it, but you are going to do it, and you are going to keep
01:05:20on doing it until it is done!
01:05:24Heave!
01:05:24To your house, are you heavey?
01:05:27I'm heavey!
01:05:28I'm heavey!
01:05:28Don't shut heave!
01:05:32You'll ruin my gun!
01:05:33I will ruin you!
01:05:35Heave!
01:05:36Heave!
01:05:37And you love the world!
01:05:41Heave!
01:05:45Heave!
01:05:46Heave!
01:05:47He ain't going to get away with it, making us sweat like that.
01:05:51How do you mean, us?
01:05:53Well, all right.
01:05:54He ain't going to get away with it making you sweat like that.
01:05:57But he is flipping getting away with it.
01:05:59Not for long, son.
01:06:00It's a top brass inspection tomorrow, isn't it?
01:06:03Yes, Sergeant.
01:06:04Brigadier's coming, ain't he?
01:06:05Yes, Sergeant.
01:06:08What about it?
01:06:11This about it, son.
01:06:13He has gone too far.
01:06:15So we are going to put into operation...
01:06:19Plan B.
01:06:30Good Lord.
01:06:31Melly seems to have turned that girl a little man.
01:06:34Yes.
01:06:34Jolly smart, eh, sir?
01:06:35You don't suppose sheer bloody ignorance really has worked, do you?
01:06:39Couldn't be anything else, could it, sir?
01:06:40He hasn't got anything else.
01:06:41That's why we chose him.
01:06:46Hooray!
01:06:48Hooray!
01:06:49I turn!
01:06:50Shut!
01:07:00Good show, Melly.
01:07:01Got them all turned out like guardsmen.
01:07:03Thank you very much, sir.
01:07:04Do they all perform as well as they look?
01:07:06I've put a stop to all that, sir.
01:07:08What?
01:07:09Oh, I don't mean I've stopped them performing, sir.
01:07:10I mean that I've stopped them, uh, well, uh, performing.
01:07:18Don't follow, old boy.
01:07:20Oh.
01:07:22How can I put it, sir?
01:07:23I, um...
01:07:28Oh, I see.
01:07:30Got yourself a hen coupe, eh?
01:07:36Wittily put, sir.
01:07:37Yes, I rather thought so myself.
01:07:38Well, come along, Melly.
01:07:39Let's get cranky.
01:07:40Very good, sir.
01:07:49Colours, son, Melly.
01:07:49Sir.
01:07:51All right!
01:07:52The main line of colour!
01:07:52See you far!
01:07:54See you far!
01:07:54Get away!
01:07:55Pop it up!
01:08:03Put up a bit of a bloomer there, Melly.
01:08:05I...
01:08:06Whose flag is it supposed to be?
01:08:09Nicaraguas?
01:08:10Hmm.
01:08:12Thank you, Carstairs.
01:08:14Excuse me, sir.
01:08:16Pull those knickers down!
01:08:22No!
01:08:23Not you!
01:08:24You bombardier!
01:08:26Get him down!
01:08:30I'm terribly sorry, sir.
01:08:33Some sort of innocent mistake.
01:08:35Pulling down knickers is rarely innocent and never a mistake.
01:08:39What?
01:08:40An epigram, sir!
01:08:42I say, sir!
01:08:44That was rather good.
01:08:45Well, what's next on the agenda?
01:08:46Things seem to be flagging somewhat round here.
01:08:48I thought a spot of gun drills, sir.
01:08:50All right!
01:08:51Let's shoot off!
01:08:53Ha!
01:08:53Ha!
01:08:55Ha!
01:08:56Ha!
01:08:56Ha!
01:08:58Ha!
01:09:00Ha!
01:09:01Ha!
01:09:02You fallin' over the gate!
01:09:03Give yourself!
01:09:04Ah!
01:09:07Come on.
01:09:08Move yourself!
01:09:09Get them bodies off!
01:09:10Move it!
01:09:11Move it!
01:09:131-3.
01:09:141-3 battery!
01:09:15Act the double!
01:09:17Stop for nothing!
01:09:19Take!
01:09:20Pop!
01:09:25Quasi!
01:09:26Yeah!
01:09:28Better try and get him out of there, South Major.
01:09:30Sir!
01:09:34Steady, sir.
01:09:36Excuse the familiarity, sir.
01:09:48Got yourself in a bit of a hole there, Millie?
01:09:53Oh, permission to carry on, sir.
01:09:55Please do.
01:09:58You two men there.
01:10:00It doesn't need two men till if one shall.
01:10:02Oh, you couldn't call us two men, sir.
01:10:03Not me in short house.
01:10:04More like one and a half, sir.
01:10:06It doesn't need one and a half either.
01:10:07What do you think, sir, Savvy, sir?
01:10:09A man could do himself a mischief.
01:10:10Rubbish!
01:10:11Come on.
01:10:12Hand it to me.
01:10:16Here you are.
01:10:17I want to kill something later.
01:10:19Tiger, darling, let me.
01:10:20You must not use words like darling in front of officers.
01:10:23But I couldn't bear it, darling, if you strained something
01:10:25before we'd even, you know.
01:10:28I do not know.
01:10:30Let me teach you.
01:10:32Oh.
01:10:33I find these things awfully exciting.
01:10:36I don't know why.
01:10:38Oh.
01:10:44Take that thing out of there!
01:10:46She's rammed it up.
01:10:47Let it stay up.
01:10:48In that case, sir, gun loaded, sir.
01:10:51Baring!
01:10:52Two step low!
01:11:06Call Mellie, will you?
01:11:07Sir.
01:11:08Captain Mellie!
01:11:10Sir?
01:11:11Surely, in the interest of efficiency,
01:11:13you shouldn't have someone with, um,
01:11:15those doing, um, that.
01:11:18Do you know, sir?
01:11:19You're absolutely right.
01:11:20Yes.
01:11:20Well, I always try and keep abreast of things.
01:11:23Oh, droll, sir.
01:11:24Very droll.
01:11:26Hiscock!
01:11:26I beg your pardon.
01:11:28Gunner Hiscock!
01:11:29Sir.
01:11:29Replace those, uh, her, will you?
01:11:34Yes.
01:11:36Carry on, son.
01:11:44Q-E-3-0.
01:11:45Gun ready for firing, sir.
01:11:48Wait.
01:11:49Turn by.
01:11:52Fire!
01:11:57Hardly went off with a bang, eh, Mellie?
01:11:59Carry out drill for misfire.
01:12:03Breach jammed, sir.
01:12:05Jammed!
01:12:06Get out of my way!
01:12:14Put up a bit of a black there, Mellie.
01:12:18Permission to take a shower?
01:12:20Where are you going to take them?
01:12:21Not this shower, sir.
01:12:24Hot shower.
01:12:25Ah, yes.
01:12:26Well, I must admit, you do look a bit grimy.
01:12:28Carry on with the brigadier's inspection, sir, Major.
01:12:30Ah!
01:12:31Ah!
01:12:35Shall we commence in the mess, sir?
01:12:37Seem to be in it already.
01:12:39Ha!
01:12:40Ha, ha, ha!
01:12:41Ha!
01:12:48Ah!
01:13:11It will start working soon.
01:13:14He'll turn bright blue as soon as he gets in the open air.
01:13:21If you could see your way clear, sir, to grant me a transfer, I would be eternally grateful.
01:13:26I would do anything, sir, any mission you care to suggest.
01:13:28I could parachute into Germany, kill Hitler.
01:13:37Captain Millie, resuming duty, sir.
01:13:39Millie?
01:13:41Sir?
01:13:42Millie, last time I saw you, you were black.
01:13:44Now you seem to have turned blue.
01:13:47Blue?
01:13:48Blue.
01:13:49The mirror?
01:14:00Blue is a baboon's arse.
01:14:05Permission to have another shower, sir?
01:14:08Granted.
01:14:09Carry on with the brigadier's inspection.
01:14:11Sir Major.
01:14:12No!
01:14:19On the other hand, sir, if you does not fancy me knocking off Hitler, how about that fat slob of
01:14:23a high Italian ice cream merchant, Musso Bloody Leany?
01:14:26Are you a coward, sir Major?
01:14:28Me, sir?
01:14:28Do you want to go gallivanting off trying to kill Hitler and Mussolini and sneak out from under this very
01:14:33tough job you've got on here?
01:14:36Only a suggestion, sir.
01:14:37Bloody ashamed of it you should be.
01:14:39Now what's this?
01:14:40A game room, sir?
01:14:43A game room, sir.
01:14:51What's the name of this game, sir Major?
01:14:53An armed combatant, sir?
01:14:55Oh?
01:14:57Uh, what the, uh, Sergeant Major means, sir, is, uh, is that you can, uh, never be sure when them,
01:15:05uh, Nazi paratroopers might land, sir.
01:15:07And, uh, we must be ready for them.
01:15:10By fighting with ladies?
01:15:12Oh, sir, we, we, uh, about them nuns, sir, you know, sir, them nuns when the frogs was done with
01:15:18tommy guns up their armpits.
01:15:19Them nuns, uh, those nuns, Sergeant Major, were German soldiers in disguise.
01:15:24Yeah, well, what we was doing, sir, was getting used to the, uh, or a feel of, um, fighting something
01:15:31in skirts, sir.
01:15:33Mm-hmm.
01:15:34What do you say, Carstaz?
01:15:36Mm-hmm.
01:15:38Can you explain that, Sergeant?
01:15:40Well, sir, this is, um, well, uh, a mixed battery, sir, and, uh, well, in, uh, a mixed battery, you
01:15:48have to, uh, uh, mix it.
01:15:51Mix it.
01:15:52Carstairs, you fancy yourself in unarmed combat, don't you?
01:15:55I know a trick or two, sir.
01:15:57Go on, then, choose your opponent.
01:15:59Thank you, sir.
01:16:09You.
01:16:10That man there.
01:16:14Me, sir?
01:16:15No, no, no.
01:16:15No, not you, Bombardier.
01:16:17I, uh, I, uh, oh, I never find a man with his glasses on.
01:16:20Oh, well, I'll, I'll take them off, sir.
01:16:22No, no, no, no, no, it'd be too dangerous.
01:16:25Back into line.
01:16:25Sir.
01:16:27Phew.
01:16:28You.
01:16:29You, that man over there.
01:16:33Me, sir?
01:16:34Yes, you.
01:16:35Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:16:38Sir, why don't you try one of my young ladies?
01:16:41Eh?
01:16:42Good idea.
01:16:43Why not try one of our young ladies?
01:16:44Just to show how far advanced in the game we are, sir.
01:16:47Ladies?
01:16:48Well, jolly good idea.
01:16:50Go ahead.
01:16:51Fookshop?
01:16:52Pardon?
01:16:53Sir.
01:16:55Sir?
01:16:57If I was you, sir, I...
01:16:58Yes, Sergeant Major, how you wish you were me.
01:17:01No, I mean, I think I should warn you...
01:17:02Don't worry, Sergeant Major.
01:17:04I shan't hurt her.
01:17:31Thank you, Madam.
01:17:35I wasn't ready, sir.
01:17:38Come along, Carstairs. I think we've both hung around here long enough, don't you?
01:17:49Whoever perpetrated that blue joke is going to suffer.
01:17:54Suffer!
01:17:56Murder them!
01:17:57Make dog meat of them!
01:18:00I'll show them who's wearing the trousers around here!
01:18:31Good afternoon, sir.
01:18:36I say, sir, that ATS private's wearing a moustache.
01:18:39That's no ATS private, Carstairs, that's melee!
01:18:53One-three! One-three, battery!
01:18:55Die! Fast!
01:18:57Action stations, Carstairs, action stations.
01:19:00Is this the real thing, Sergeant Major?
01:19:02Yes, lovely boy!
01:19:03It is you against the end this time!
01:19:06Move yourselves! Move yourselves!
01:19:08Come on, come on, come on!
01:19:10Six minutes for everyone who shoots down!
01:19:12Too bad if it is a German!
01:19:14Come on, come on!
01:19:15Move yourselves! Move yourselves!
01:19:17Come on, come on!
01:19:18Come on, come on!
01:19:18Come on, come on!
01:19:25Come on, come on!
01:19:27Come on, come on!
01:19:27Here, did you see that?
01:19:29Leonard, you cannot expect a brigadier to expose himself.
01:19:34I think perhaps we should go now, don't you?
01:19:36Get that bloody gun for any man!
01:19:38Put that gas mask down!
01:19:39Now, for one, Detentment!
01:19:41Take home!
01:19:46Right! Stand by!
01:19:48With respect, sir, you was improbably dressed.
01:19:51It wasn't for you, Sergeant Major, I wouldn't be in this shape.
01:20:01I reckon you have focus.
01:20:03Have you got it up?
01:20:04I beg your pardon?
01:20:06The shell, man, the shell!
01:20:07Oh, that's rammed up all right, sir.
01:20:09Then fire it!
01:20:11Fire!
01:20:14Bloody hell!
01:20:15Don't shoot at them!
01:20:17Shoot at them!
01:20:18You doody idle fool!
01:20:222203529!
01:20:24Fire!
01:20:311903028!
01:20:32There's a bit of smoke!
01:20:32Shore town!
01:20:35Get that shot in the bridge!
01:20:39Oh, heaven's sake!
01:20:41Move! Get out!
01:20:44Get out!
01:20:49We've got him some of you!
01:20:51There's always one of theirs.
01:20:56Well done, lads! Again!
01:21:00Fire!
01:21:04It's ahead, sir! It's ahead!
01:21:06Well done, tiger!
01:21:08Thank you, smelly, sir.
01:21:10Do it again! Do it again!
01:21:12Fire!
01:21:17It's a nail, sir!
01:21:18Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Well done, chock!
01:21:22Do it again!
01:21:23Right, stand back, you two!
01:21:25And stand back!
01:21:27Fire!
01:21:32You done it! You done it, my lovely boy!
01:21:38We did it! We did it!
01:21:41No, we did it! You did it!
01:21:42No, we did it, too!
01:21:44We did it!
01:21:44Yeah, take that message back to Eela!
01:21:51Yeah, take that message back!
01:21:56We did it!
01:21:57We did it!
01:21:58We did it!
01:21:58We did it!
01:21:59We did it!
01:22:00We did it!
01:22:00I love you!
01:22:01You can tell him now as well!
01:22:04Come!
01:22:06Come!
01:22:06Come!
01:22:10Come!
01:22:16Right!
01:22:17Prayed!
01:22:19Turn that ice!
01:22:21Stand easy!
01:22:23Now, I am sure that you was all dying to know the state of your commanding officer!
01:22:28And I am very happy to inform you that apart from a cracked funny bone sustaining the recoil,
01:22:35and a couple of sprained fingers from tugging the toggle, he is in what might be described as a rude
01:22:41elf!
01:22:42In fact, he is coming out here now to congratulate you as you so richly deserve!
01:22:48These hooves!
01:22:56And the same to you!
01:23:11And so it came about that through the blunderings of one poor bloody officer, a certain person who shall be
01:23:16nameless was able to create an everlasting symbol of encouragement and devotion to duty, a symbol which was to be
01:23:21accepted throughout the entire world!
01:23:23Thank you!
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