- 4 hours ago
Celebs Go Dating - Season 15 - Episode 01
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00You bring your time
00:01Celebs Go Day In is back!
00:05Yeah!
00:08Kicking off the line-up this year, we've got the lean, mean rapping machine, Professor Green.
00:15I might be asexual.
00:16All green, no beans.
00:18Pop legend and loose woman, Colleen Nolan.
00:22Hi, I'm in the mood.
00:23England rugby colossus, James Haskell.
00:27This is scary.
00:28Aussie math star, Lucinda Lye.
00:31Three since four since more songs.
00:33Love Islander and SAS survivor, Gabby Allen.
00:37I'm just in the prison.
00:38Enjoy!
00:40And making his return, the reality icon...
00:44Hello, you cheeky boggers!
00:46David Potts.
00:47I'm ready for someone to put a bloody ring on it.
00:50And if that's not enough, dropping in later, we've got baller and YouTuber, P.K. Humble.
00:55I'm not going to do a number two, I promise.
00:57Okay.
00:58Oh, God!
00:59Can this lot put in the graph?
01:01It's like someone with a pulse.
01:03This is really bad.
01:04Like, is it?
01:05Swerve the drama.
01:07Did you kiss him?
01:09I would love to get a step ladder and climb up.
01:12And overcome heartache.
01:14It felt so easy to fall in love and be in love.
01:18People don't hear men talk about this, right?
01:21To find the one.
01:25To find the one.
01:50Welcome to a brand new series of Celebs Go Dating.
01:55This year, we're kicking things off in the capital with, no, not Omitsa.
01:59The celebs are being treated to one of Tom Reid Wilson's infamous DP Sessions.
02:05It's a dinner party.
02:08Oh!
02:10There isn't a big enough hole.
02:12Here we go.
02:13Before the agents set them on their dating journeys, they want to know exactly who they're working
02:18with at an intimate spill-the-beans dinner soiree.
02:21Yum-yum.
02:23Now, I'm just going to tug you gingerly.
02:26Mmm, he's touching cloth.
02:28There.
02:29So let's dispense with the needless fluffing and start stuffing this place.
02:33Because our first celeb is here.
02:35And hold up, it is massive.
02:38Needed no introduction.
02:41He might have lost himself, but he's here to find romance.
02:46Yes!
02:47It's!
02:49Ah, of course.
02:51You saw him at the start.
02:52With a PhD in hip-hop, now looking for an education in love, is Professor Green.
02:59This ain't so stereotypical, man.
03:01Not for a stereotypical man.
03:03It should be me, the ones that get rid of you.
03:05Hello, my name is Stephen Manderson.
03:09Hello, Stephen.
03:10People may know me better by the name Professor Green.
03:14I'd say so, yeah.
03:14I would describe myself as awkward, annoying, intolerable, insufferable, but kind.
03:22Pro-G and Made in Chelsea star Millie McIntosh divorced in 2016.
03:27Then Stephen became a dad in 2021 before splitting up with his partner six months ago.
03:34Being a dad and having a son, it's the most important and most significant thing in my life.
03:39If someone's going on a date with me, I would much rather than not have Googled me.
03:43But then, again, low expectations are easy to exceed.
03:48I can't wait to get in front of Paul and be like, assess me.
03:50Tell me where I've gone wrong.
03:52I clearly need some help.
03:55Professor Green.
03:56Stephen, please.
03:57Good evening.
03:58How are you doing?
03:59Drop the title.
04:01It's just a nom de plume.
04:03I don't know what that means.
04:04It'll be something to do with plums, knowing Tom.
04:06Your work is blind.
04:07I suffer with compliments, by the way, so.
04:09Oh, do you?
04:10Yeah, if I seem awkward, it's because I am.
04:12I will stem the flow in that case, because I can be like a machine gun volley often.
04:16Yeah, well, shove a thumb up your barrel, Tom, because the next celeb is inbound.
04:22It's former Richard and Judy's son-in-law, James Haskell.
04:25He played some rugby, too.
04:27I played rugby.
04:27I was very lucky to play for my country.
04:29I was lucky to play around the world.
04:31I now DJ, make music.
04:39James was previously married to TV presenter and personal trainer, Chloe Madeley.
04:43I was with Chloe, I met her in 2015, and we got married.
04:48We've got a daughter called Bodie, who's three and a bit.
04:52You know, we separated two and a half years ago now.
04:56Dating later on in your life is definitely a bit like the Wild West.
05:00It doesn't matter how big you are, how cool you think you are.
05:03Going up to a girl and asking for the number and then getting dismissed still digs you out.
05:08Oh, not for me, that.
05:09I've got high expectations of the agents.
05:12Every day's a school day, and school's in session.
05:14What could possibly go wrong?
05:16You'd be surprised the massive bloke from the chase drunk a candle last year.
05:21Hang on, where's the crutch come from?
05:22He didn't have one on the walking-in shots.
05:24How's he injured himself already?
05:26How you doing? I'm James. Lovely to meet you.
05:27How are you?
05:28Hi, how lovely to meet you.
05:29Nice to meet you. You well?
05:30It's not just for sympathy.
05:31No, no, I wish it was. I wish it was. It's a hell of a story, but no.
05:34Do you know, you and I have an awful lot in common.
05:36Do we?
05:37You've both seen Richard Madeley's knob?
05:39And we've both been in the jungle.
05:40I know, you were amazing.
05:41Ah, yeah, that was it.
05:42Did you have to eat anything, Garst?
05:44I had to drink pig's penis.
05:45Pig's vagina, I didn't mind, because I had it in solid and liquid form.
05:49Oh, yeah?
05:49And in solid form, it was a bit like a kind of a bacon-y radish.
05:53But hairier, I suspect.
05:55What, normal conversation?
05:56Perfect, perfect.
05:57As these two jungle vets swap war stories, strutting now a tastier treat.
06:05She's baking it, and I'm talking smoke.
06:08It's the radishing, bite-sized Love Islander, Gabby Allen.
06:13I'm Gabby, I'm 33, and you might know me from Love Island and Celebrity SAS.
06:17Love Island was an amazing experience, because I just sit there in a bikini and have a lovely time.
06:23And then SAS is the complete opposite.
06:28Shit, is that toadfish?
06:30It's hell on earth, but so rewarding.
06:33Let's go!
06:34Gabby, not toadfish!
06:36Leave him alone!
06:37I've been single for two years.
06:39Everyone that I'm going for is just about initial impressions, and then it all goes downhill.
06:44I have the worst beer goggles.
06:47Give me a margarita, and I'll snog anyone.
06:49Barman, one margarita, please.
06:51And some mints.
06:51I'm 33, and I feel like all the good ones might be taken by now.
06:55However, statistically, they'll probably be divorced soon, and then I can probably get with them once they're out of that
06:59first marriage.
07:01Come to me with better equipment.
07:04Doubt it.
07:05Their equipment won't have been used since having kids.
07:07Agents, bring them to me.
07:11Oh, my God.
07:12I'm so nervous.
07:13I'm so excited.
07:14Oh, can I give you a libation?
07:16Yes, please.
07:17Will that help?
07:18Hello.
07:18Hello, my darling.
07:19How are you?
07:20Nice to meet you.
07:21Oh, it's lovely to meet you.
07:23Oh, perfect.
07:24In between two guys already?
07:25Both divorced?
07:26Right up your alley, Gabby.
07:27You look as braced and ready for romance as anybody ever could.
07:33Okay, that's good.
07:33He didn't say that to us.
07:34Hard luck, Haskell.
07:35Well, brace yourself for another Tom, because our next celeb's always ready for romance.
07:40It's the wonder from down under, Aussie math star Lucinda Light.
07:45I'm Lucinda Light.
07:47G'day.
07:47I am 45 years of age, and I'm looking for love.
07:52After married at first sight, I'm ready to take a punt on love again.
07:57Walking toward him, I thought, ooh, solid and nice bum.
08:01Like, I was actually just checking him out, being a total pearl.
08:04Much like my wife on our wedding day, dirty cow.
08:07I want some top-tier, quality, fabulous men that have got their shit together.
08:15Dr. Tara talks about big cliche energy, but in Australia, we call it big pussy energy.
08:21And that's what I'm here to do, bring my big pussy energy.
08:24Yeah, not sure if you came in, are looking for a big pussy.
08:27Gotta be honest with you.
08:28I'm a juicy, wet and wild woman, you know, splish splash, so let's go.
08:33I hope Tom's brought his caution wet floor sign.
08:36Or at least a mop and bucket.
08:37Oh, you're not of you, it isn't it.
08:39That is a bald eagle, isn't it?
08:41Eyes up, Tommy boy.
08:43Is it bald?
08:44You should know.
08:45I suppose they all are.
08:46It is utterly majestic.
08:49Ah, we're talking about her dress.
08:50Shame.
08:51Also, the other thing I like about it is that the talons are out.
08:55Yes.
08:55Ready to clasp some prey.
08:57It is a metaphor.
08:59I am ready to claw them in, let's go.
09:02Having got an eyeful of Lucinda's bald eagle, I'm in the mood for another love-hungry celeb.
09:07That's my boy.
09:09It's pop royalty and loose women legend, Colleen Nolan.
09:14I'm probably best known for loose women.
09:17But just take the bra off.
09:19Oh, no, Kay.
09:21Why?
09:22Because then I can tuck them in my chub rub knickers.
09:26I'm not selling myself, am I?
09:29Any form of dating app is out the window.
09:31Not true.
09:32My mate Sad Alan met his wife on chubbrubbers.com.
09:35Also, from my singing days with the Nolan sisters.
09:42It was a mad time.
09:44It was an amazing time.
09:45I'm very romantic.
09:47I have been in love on numerous occasions.
09:51My first marriage ended because of infidelities.
09:55Husband number one was none other than Eastender Alfie Moon, a.k.a. Shane Ritchie.
10:01Then my second marriage just grew apart.
10:04I've been single for about 18 months.
10:08I kind of need help.
10:10You want to be a part of my life, then we're a team.
10:12I'm not there to be your servant.
10:14Unless you ask nicely.
10:16God almighty, what the hell am I doing?
10:21Oh, look at you.
10:25Beautiful Scarlet.
10:26Oh, thank you.
10:27This is most becoming most.
10:29Can I offer you a tip?
10:30I just want to listen to him all day.
10:32Yeah, she's a loose woman.
10:33She can take hours of pointless drivel.
10:35So nervous.
10:36I know, it is terribly nerve-wracking.
10:39I also think the nerves are such a good sign
10:41because they're a sign of caring deeply.
10:43Yes.
10:43You're right.
10:44You know.
10:45And last up, someone who's never knowingly nervous.
10:48Yes, ding, ding.
10:49He's back in the ring.
10:50The one, the only, David Potts.
10:54I'm back.
10:58Agents, I'm ready for round two.
11:01I am David Potts and I am 32 years old.
11:05I know I don't look it.
11:06Who's going to tell him?
11:08I would describe myself as a nice, fun, bubbly character with a big gob and very long legs.
11:18That's right, shake it down to the floor, get low, get low.
11:20I've done a beefy weekend, a celebrity karaoke club, celebs on the farm, celebrity big brother.
11:25Have done celebs go dating, but that was eight years ago.
11:28I do want someone, like, as tall as me, if not a little bit taller.
11:32Like, someone who's, like, straight acting, like, beefy, lighter coloured hair than me.
11:35What the hell?
11:35Straight acting, beefy, light hair.
11:37I'm here for you, big boy.
11:39Wrap those legs around me.
11:40This time, I want a man, I want a husband.
11:43I've had situationships, I've been seeing people, but I've never had a, we are boyfriend and boyfriend.
11:54You're corresponding, you're shimmering.
11:57I'm so excited, guys.
11:59We've been so excited to have you restored to our bosom.
12:02Thank you, my love.
12:03We really, really have.
12:05You might be a bomb for everybody's souls, because everybody's feeling very, very nervous.
12:11Oh, no, guys, it's so much fun.
12:14Because you did it once before.
12:16Yeah, I did this, like, eight years ago.
12:18Definitely a different mindset for me this time.
12:20Yeah, there's been an evolution, I can see.
12:23Yeah, all right, Tom, that'll do.
12:25They're chuffing, starving, and you've promised them some grub.
12:28Shall we get a move on?
12:29Well, darlings, it's time for you to follow me.
12:33Here we go.
12:34Where's he taking us?
12:35Trust me, sometimes it's best not to ask.
12:40Just feels ineffably grand.
12:42And speaking of grand, I reckon the little fella has pulled a blinder here.
12:46Very plush.
12:47Full marks, Thomas.
12:48Oh, wow.
12:50Wow.
12:50This is so exquisite.
12:52Now, you will find your name cards, hither and yon.
12:55Oh, my word.
12:57That's so stunning.
12:58Why are we so spread apart?
13:00Obviously, there are three holes.
13:02Holes.
13:03One up top, one up front, and one round the back.
13:05For special occasions only.
13:07And these gaps are to be filled.
13:09Where's he going with this?
13:12By the Merlins of romance.
13:15Well, hocus pocus, my bum hole.
13:18If it isn't the magic circle of love themselves, alaka bloody zam, it's the one, the only, Mr. Paul C.
13:26Brunson.
13:28Relationship guru, Anna Williamson.
13:32And pint-sized sexpert, Dr. Tara.
13:40Oh, my goodness.
13:45It is so good to be back with a whole new bunch of celebs all looking for love.
13:50I cannot wait to get under their skin and find out what makes them tick.
13:55Bring it on.
13:56This is going to be epic.
13:57Hi.
13:57How you doing?
13:58Hello, my love.
13:59Well, this is a bit booze.
14:01I know.
14:01It's gorgeous, isn't it?
14:02Isn't it?
14:03Can I give a big hello to everyone at this table?
14:07Yes.
14:07Very much.
14:08I want to say hello and welcome.
14:10Oh, God.
14:11Tension music already?
14:12What's going on, Paul?
14:14What you're about to go on is going to be the most incredible ride, okay?
14:19How are you all feeling about that?
14:21Everyone looks a little bit nervous.
14:22I just took a deep breath and I haven't let it out yet.
14:25Tonight is not about an ordinary dinner at all.
14:28This is a dinner party with a twist.
14:31Rub my job.
14:32We are so back.
14:42Welcome back to Celebs Go Dating, where the class of 26 have had a good old probing by Tom
14:48and now he's handed them over to the Brundog, who's wasted no time in getting straight down to business.
14:55Tonight is not about an ordinary dinner at all.
14:58This is a dinner party with a twist.
15:03This time we're doing things differently.
15:08So we can truly understand who you are and what you need.
15:12Wow.
15:13The agents are on full banter lockdown.
15:15F.B.L.
15:17Now, it may not be the mixer you were expecting, but don't worry, because one is coming, all right?
15:23And it will keep you firmly on your dating toes.
15:26Oh, I don't know if I'm excited or I'm going to be sick.
15:28I have a question.
15:29It's to James.
15:30Yes.
15:31You present very confident.
15:33For someone who really presents as you've got your act together, right?
15:37When you look back at the marriage, where did it go wrong?
15:41Cheers, Paul, for that.
15:42Absolutely no time for a starter before you're already demanding to know the inner workings of my marriage.
15:48It's very easy in racing at Breakdowns to talk about the other person.
15:51Look, you're only in control of how you behave.
15:54And I think, you know, pretty early on when we had a daughter coincide with me having lots of DJ
15:59trips away.
16:00And it was the first time that that part of my career was going really well.
16:03And I probably took a piss a little bit, but I'd stay out an extra night, you know, and I
16:07should have come home.
16:08And I probably just didn't support her enough and I didn't get that stuff right.
16:12So I was very excited to come here, be open-minded, let you tell me what you think.
16:17And sometimes you need to look at your own kind of behaviors the way you are.
16:22I'm sort of really keen to kind of explore that and maybe just have some of the rough edges smoothed
16:27off, you know,
16:27and see if I can make it work and be better.
16:30Thank you so much for sharing.
16:31And I think what you've done is you've just given everyone permission to be able to be just as vulnerable.
16:37So thank you.
16:38Bravo.
16:39Stephen, you seem quite nervous.
16:41Yeah.
16:42Yeah.
16:42Yeah.
16:43Yeah.
16:43He looks like he's about to drop a little Professor Brown.
16:46What are you nervous about?
16:48Everything.
16:48Yeah, all of it at the moment.
16:50But do you know what?
16:51I'd love to get under the hood of the psychology, you know.
16:55I'd love to hear from people who actually know what they're doing as far as dating and love about myself.
17:01I think we're always our own blind spots.
17:04Man's going deep.
17:05So I would like to get under the, I'd like to get under my hood.
17:08You wouldn't want to get under mine unless I've had a shower because it stinks of quavers and guilt.
17:13My situation is difficult, but this is going to be an education for me.
17:19That was very honest.
17:20Bravo.
17:20That was intense.
17:21Now, is there any actual food coming at this dinner party or is it just truth tapas?
17:25Lucinda, you got married to a man that you've never seen before.
17:29Like, how was that?
17:30Oh, a wild experience and so much fun.
17:33Yeah, I'd love to find that person that I can sort of do the next incarnation with.
17:39I think, you know, yeah, sometimes I get a bit doubtful or a bit like, oh God, you know, who
17:46would take this journey on?
17:48Yes.
17:48Well, you know, at least in a year in the right place.
17:50Yeah.
17:51Because we are taking that journey on.
17:52Yeah.
17:53Yeah.
17:53I'm excited and bring it on.
17:55Brilliant.
17:56Now, can we have some food?
17:57Oh, finally.
17:59Have a word with the staff, Tom.
18:00Yes.
18:00You should say grace or something.
18:02Thank you, love.
18:05Well, bon appétit.
18:07Bon?
18:08Leave it out, Anna.
18:09Even I know it's bon.
18:10Give your head a wobble.
18:17So, how long have you been married for?
18:19I've been married now for three years.
18:21I've been together with my husband for six years.
18:23Oh, nice.
18:24And I also have a boyfriend here for the last seven months.
18:27I'm Polly.
18:28No, you're not.
18:29You're Dr T.
18:30Excuse me, you've got a boyfriend here?
18:31Yeah, yeah.
18:32I'm in an ethical, non-monogamous relationship.
18:35So, I'm Polly.
18:36Oh, she means polyamorous.
18:38God, that is so Dr T.
18:39A husband and a lover.
18:41So greedy.
18:42Double dick.
18:43My husband dates other people as well.
18:45Legend.
18:46You have to work really hard on that.
18:47Otherwise, it's very difficult.
18:49People think it's like...
18:50They get past the sort of amusement side of it,
18:52then it's very much work, communication.
18:54But it's as hard as monogamy.
18:56Yeah, 100%.
18:57You know, I'm curious on that note is
18:59who around the table would be open
19:01to have an ethical, non-monogamous relationship?
19:05And, Colleen, I'd love to start with you.
19:10You know, because, you know,
19:12my wife and I were looking for a...
19:13No.
19:16Can I just say, I was going to say,
19:18oh, no, I couldn't deal with that.
19:19But now...
19:22It depends on with who.
19:23Wow.
19:24I think I would be open to it at this point in my life.
19:27Respect.
19:28Cool.
19:28I'll see what Louie says and get back to you.
19:29Is that something that you've done before?
19:32I have explored it before, yes.
19:34Yes.
19:35With my last partner, who was a female.
19:37Okay.
19:38I gave it a go,
19:38but actually realised within that that I'm quite hetero.
19:41But I gave it a red hot shot.
19:43I am all about the exploration.
19:46Map the way for me, Dr. T.
19:48I am here to look for a partner,
19:51but I don't mind having a bit of fun in the water park
19:55en route, if you know what I mean.
19:56Splish splash.
19:57From my experience,
19:58if you start heavy petting in the water park,
20:00they'll route you to the exit.
20:01But, you know, exploration is beautiful
20:04because it allows you to get clarity for yourself.
20:07That's it.
20:08You know, if you've never explored,
20:10how would you actually know?
20:11Yep.
20:12Well, David, when you were here last time,
20:15I wasn't here.
20:16You wasn't.
20:17Uh-uh.
20:18Uh-uh.
20:19So please, please tell us,
20:20like, why are you back at the agency?
20:22Oh, God.
20:23Um, I think last time
20:26I was very emotionally unintelligent,
20:31whereas this time my head space is,
20:35I actually don't give a shit
20:37about being judged about my vulnerabilities.
20:43Is she playing invisible castanets?
20:46Oh, so I'm ready for someone to put a bloody ring on it.
20:48Oh.
20:51Knew it.
20:51I believe that that is out there
20:53and that's what I want.
20:54But what does that true love look like for you physically?
20:57Can you, like, describe him?
20:59Oh, what he looks like?
21:00Oh, for sure.
21:01Can you describe him?
21:01So tall.
21:02This is probably a trigger for Anna and Paul.
21:04Yeah, it is, actually.
21:05Taller, older.
21:06Elder.
21:06Um, like, um...
21:08Yeah, be fit.
21:09Like a be fit.
21:10Like a be fit, old, tall.
21:12So you're describing Paul Brunson?
21:14Yeah, for sure.
21:15Oh, I've been trying for six years, but...
21:18Yeah, well, it's my turn now.
21:20My turn now.
21:21But he just went straight for Colleen, which is rude.
21:26All right, well, you're ready for love.
21:28You're ready for marriage.
21:31Gabby, what about you?
21:33I don't know.
21:34I don't actually know what I'm doing wrong.
21:37It's because I like people
21:39and they're probably wrong for me.
21:41And usually they're younger.
21:43I feel like sometimes I might compromise on things
21:45just because I'm so attracted to them.
21:49And then they end up just being awful for me.
21:52However, I've dated people
21:54and that's been missing
21:55and I'm just not fulfilled at all
21:57because I want to be with somebody
22:00that makes me feel alive.
22:02And also, I need to be put in my feminine energy as well
22:05because I feel like...
22:06I'm sorry, did you say you need to be put
22:08in your feminine energy?
22:11So you need someone else to put you
22:12in your feminine energy.
22:13Okay, is that wrong?
22:15Very.
22:16Okay, so, I mean,
22:18I want somebody to...
22:21make me feel safe and secure
22:24because I feel like that is my role within my family.
22:28So having somebody that makes me cry
22:30makes me feel like that.
22:33Yes.
22:34And that's all I want to say.
22:35You deserve that.
22:36Yes.
22:37You know what's wild is,
22:38I've never felt like we've started an agency
22:42with this level of intimacy.
22:43Mm-hmm.
22:44Mm-hmm.
22:44Yes.
22:45Can I just say, while you say that,
22:48that this is the first show
22:49I've ever thought I really want to do that show?
22:53Wow.
22:54I've never done that about another show, ever.
22:57Ha!
22:57In your face, loose women ladies.
22:59I think because I've reached a part in my life
23:02where I genuinely would like to meet someone.
23:05I have met people,
23:07I have been on the dating apps.
23:08I think what I'm looking for
23:10is really hard to find for me.
23:12What do you want?
23:13I think because I'm looking for Mr Everyday Normal.
23:16Have you considered having breakfast in Wetherspoons?
23:19I live a very normal life.
23:20I very rarely go to big celebrity things.
23:23You know, I've got a little farm with all my animals
23:25and that's where I'm at my happiest.
23:27And so I think trying to meet someone
23:29that can just accept that
23:30and accept me as me
23:32and not my celebrity status
23:34or be intimidated by it at the same time.
23:39And that's where I'm finding it hard
23:40because I've met a lot of guys
23:41and we've had a connection
23:42and they've been very honest and go,
23:44I just don't think I can live in your world.
23:46And I'm like, I don't know what you think my world is.
23:50Sometimes I'd just like someone at home
23:51to put their arms around me when I get in and go,
23:53do you know what?
23:54It's all going to be OK.
23:55We're going to be OK.
23:57This year was the first time
23:59that I've ever had to put Christmas decorations up on my own.
24:02I remember being in the house thinking,
24:05oh, shit, I'm lonely.
24:09Oh, Colleen, that's so sad.
24:11Don't worry, you're in the right place.
24:12We'll sort you out.
24:13So, no pressure,
24:15but you are my last chance to lose.
24:17You either do something or I die alone.
24:20Well, we can't have that happen.
24:22We can't have that happen.
24:23Darlings all,
24:25your candour has been utterly delicious
24:28and I want to reward you
24:30with a delicious dessert.
24:33Oh.
24:34Have you baked us a cake?
24:35Well, possibly.
24:38Dessert is served.
24:41Oh, shit, what's this?
24:44Wait, that's not a tiramisu.
24:47Someone's coming.
24:48Is this your twist, Paul?
24:50Yes.
24:50Oh, God, who is it?
24:52What's going on?
25:03Welcome back to Celebs' Go Dating,
25:06where Tom is about to serve our new celebs
25:08with some delicious dessert.
25:09I hope he's not just been to the kitchen
25:11to add extra cream.
25:13Oh.
25:14Dessert is served.
25:18I'm actually shaking.
25:19Yeah, I'll get it like that
25:20with sticky toffee pudding,
25:21custard, cream and sauce.
25:23In the form of
25:25Colleen's beloved sister, Maureen.
25:28Woo-hoo!
25:30Come on, there!
25:32Woo-hoo!
25:34David's best friend, Ellie.
25:36No way!
25:37Oh, my God!
25:39Jesus, I couldn't hear you
25:41all way up there!
25:42Hi, everyone!
25:44Danielle Maria!
25:46Stephen's childhood friend, Louis.
25:49Oh, ho, ho, ho!
25:52Welcome, Louis.
25:53See you, Louis, for Kim.
25:54My immediate reaction.
25:57Oh, God, what's he going to say?
26:00Gabby's dear friend, Lyle.
26:03Welcome, Lyle.
26:05He's going to go pear-shaped.
26:07He knows too much.
26:09Lucinda's cousin, Tom.
26:11Spare to be Lulu!
26:13And James's mum, Susie.
26:17Oh, she's a diva.
26:20She is!
26:21I'm so glad you all turned up.
26:25Enjoy your desserts, everybody,
26:27and I will see you at the agency.
26:31Let's go!
26:31Sorry, can I check?
26:33Are there any actual desserts coming?
26:35Friends and family can often see where the celebrities' love lives are going wrong,
26:40often things that the celebrities themselves just cannot see.
26:43So these are very much the best people to help us understand our new clients.
26:49We all love mums, don't we?
26:51Yeah!
26:51So we want to hear from Susie.
26:55Oh, my God.
26:56Mum is an absolute loose cannon at the best of times.
26:59I am dreading what's going to come out of her mouth,
27:02as long as she does not upset my ex.
27:05James is not what he appears to be.
27:09He actually, underneath, is extremely sensitive.
27:14I'm not sure where he's gone wrong,
27:17because prior to his marriage, I met lots of lovely girlfriends.
27:24Each of them just loved me.
27:27That's a bonus.
27:28I never saw James Squirm like that playing rugby.
27:31I do have quite a strong opinion why I think it went wrong.
27:37You can't have two stars,
27:42because you have them competing for the floor space all the time.
27:46That explains why no-one's seen Richard and Judy in the same room for 30 years.
27:51In the past, he's been extremely popular.
27:54I mean, I've seen at rugby matches where elderly ladies have gotten very close to him.
28:00What are your hopes for James at the end of this process?
28:04He needs someone that can see.
28:06We'll tell him to stop with the elderly, then.
28:08The softness of him.
28:11Oh, right, I thought he meant eyes.
28:13Coupled with quite a brilliant intellect,
28:16because he's written seven books.
28:18Oh, wow, quite the offer.
28:21And I think three of them were on the Times best-selling list.
28:25Two of them.
28:26Who's counting?
28:26I am.
28:28I've got copies for everyone.
28:30Has he got pictures?
28:31Because if not, it'll be hard pass for David.
28:33Good.
28:34OK, up next.
28:35Stephen, you seem so keen.
28:37When you walked in, I was overjoyed.
28:40I mean, look, I'm not here to throw you under the bus or nothing, though.
28:42But, like, Stephen is a nightmare.
28:45Oh, wow.
28:46Wow.
28:47He's not just thrown him under the bus,
28:48he's reversed it back over him.
28:50You've been unlucky in love,
28:52and, yeah, I think you've got your work cut out.
28:54And then driven over him again!
28:56So you think about Stephen on a date.
28:59I can't...
28:59I don't even want to imagine Stephen on a date.
29:01It's ghastly.
29:03Don't be fooled by the tattoos and the lyrics.
29:05I think it's a little bit...
29:06A bit clumsy, a bit clunky, but quite cute.
29:10Give us an example of that.
29:11Oh, not the C word.
29:12Lewis, tearing me a new one.
29:14Thank you, Lewis.
29:15Cheers, mate.
29:16Appreciate it.
29:17So, let's go to Lucinda here.
29:19OK, with Tommy.
29:20So, I'm curious.
29:22What do you believe Lucinda needs in her life?
29:26A man.
29:28A man-man.
29:29Lulu is looking for love.
29:32Genuine love.
29:33And has been for a long time.
29:37Lucy is a big character, which is wonderful.
29:40And we don't want someone to shrink Lucy's personality,
29:43but match it.
29:44Lulu has said that she has explored with a woman before.
29:50Naughty.
29:52LAUGHTER
29:54That's what lockdown does to you.
29:56LAUGHTER
29:57David Potts.
29:58Oh, hello.
29:59He falls in love quite easy, does David.
30:01Like, at least once a week, I'll be like...
30:03Do you know that?
30:04I fall in love.
30:05I'm a sucker for love.
30:06Well, that's good.
30:07Do you know what I mean?
30:08I'm a sucker for love, guys.
30:10He's got his time.
30:11He's like, well, I want him to be this and that.
30:12If he's a bit shorter, and I know what you're thinking,
30:16give him a chance.
30:17He could be the love of your life.
30:19Ellie, if he's not even able to go...
30:21..on the rides at a theme park,
30:23he isn't going to be the love of my life.
30:25Next up, we have Gabby and Lyle.
30:30You know, she has a lot to offer.
30:32And, you know, anyone who knows and knows,
30:33she's got a lot of layers there,
30:35but we don't necessarily see it enough
30:36because she's obviously terrified of what might...
30:39Judgment.
30:40The judgements.
30:42That it, Lyle.
30:42Fair play.
30:43Long on hair, short on chat.
30:45We would love to know, Maureen,
30:47a little bit more about Colleen.
30:49Colleen has just got so much to give.
30:52The problem is that when she meets someone,
30:55she falls in love so easily
30:57and gives so much immediately.
31:01Sometimes comes back to bite her on the ass a little bit.
31:04I kind of like that.
31:08Do you find sexual connection important?
31:11Yes.
31:12Is that something that you're looking for as well?
31:14Well, I didn't think I was.
31:16And I'd heard all this thing about menopause,
31:18how women lose their sexual libido
31:21when everything goes like the Sahara Desert.
31:23and it's gone the complete opposite for me.
31:26I don't know what's happened.
31:29Susie.
31:32Oh, God.
31:33Susie, for James' sake,
31:35will everyone say nothing?
31:37Can I just say I'm loving James' face
31:39with his mother sitting next to him in this conversation?
31:43Torture.
31:44This is torture.
31:47So, now, celebs, your night is not over.
31:50But friends and family, your night is.
31:53Oh, come and close with me.
31:56Right, so now the celebs in a circle have stitched them up.
31:59They're off to drink the free bar dry.
32:01Bye, Susie.
32:03While the experts have yet another surprise in store.
32:06We have some envelopes.
32:08Each one is personalised to you.
32:11Yeah, that's generally how envelopes work, Dr T.
32:13Otherwise, it's a free-for-all.
32:15These are your first date.
32:16Oh, my God.
32:20Oh, my God.
32:21This is getting real.
32:22I am just ready to lean in and go for it.
32:25How exciting.
32:26Let's go.
32:27David, if you would like to open your envelope, please,
32:29and reveal to us all what is inside.
32:34Oh, my God!
32:36Is it the bill?
32:38He has jacked me!
32:40Get in!
32:41David, I moved from Melbourne to London three months ago.
32:46I'm in for a tree.
32:48Remember, don't fall in love.
32:49Oh, my God, I need to chill out, but what the fuck?
32:52Oh, my God, this is love.
32:55Gabby, would you like to reveal who is in your envelope?
32:59Oh, my God, I'm so nervous.
33:04I can't tell from her expression.
33:08Johnny, 34.
33:09Oh.
33:10It's probably the oldest I've ever got.
33:12Wow.
33:13I spend my days handling carp.
33:15Is that fish?
33:16It is.
33:17I don't know how I feel about that.
33:18Sexy fisherman.
33:19Getting my hands wet, and I'm always up for something a bit naughty.
33:23This is one catch you won't want to throw back.
33:25So, how do we feel about Johnny the fisherman?
33:28That doesn't turn me on.
33:30But he likes fish.
33:31Really?
33:33Can we have another one?
33:34No.
33:34Shit.
33:35You know what I suspect?
33:37Is you looked at the photo, and you weren't interested,
33:40so you started looking for negatives.
33:42I'm not being funny, but Paul needs to get off my case.
33:45I just don't fancy the fishy fella.
33:47I'm trusting the brisers.
33:49Yes.
33:49Yes.
33:50Feels cool.
33:51Lucinda has been matched with Silver Fox Neil.
33:54I'm happy to lean into that.
33:56Splish splash.
33:57Come on, Stephen.
33:59And Stephen has been paired with sexy DJ Viv.
34:02Does it sort of feel like it's got a bit real now?
34:05Shit's real.
34:05Shit just got real.
34:07James.
34:08Kitten 30.
34:09I'm loud, I'm high energy.
34:10If you can handle me, you'll definitely remember the night,
34:13even if parts of it are a blur.
34:15She has a lot to say, and she has great sexual energy.
34:19Meow.
34:19You're excited.
34:20Are you a bit overwhelmed?
34:21I don't really know.
34:22You know what I mean?
34:23I'm sort of not really sure what my reaction is,
34:24because I've never had that.
34:25I've never been on a blind date.
34:26So, yeah, I'm very excited to see what she's like.
34:29Colleen.
34:30Neil P.
34:3260.
34:33I've blown up bridges and raised sons,
34:36and if there's chemistry,
34:38let's just say I still know how to keep things running smoothly
34:41longer than lights out.
34:45Neil.
34:46Neil.
34:46Oh, my God.
34:46Come on, Neil.
34:47Neil looks nice, but I really wanted that reaction that David's just had.
34:53You are all going on these dates within the next 48 hours,
34:59except actually for two of you
35:02who will be going on those dates immediately.
35:09Well, splash my splish.
35:10What?
35:11No, you're joking.
35:13Those two celebrities are...
35:14Sink washes for everyone.
35:15Get those slits and dicks clean.
35:20You're self, Colleen.
35:23And James.
35:24No, you're joking.
35:25You're going on a date right now.
35:27I'm in.
35:27Let's do it.
35:28Christ, I thought I was going out to bed.
35:31Well, Neil might.
35:34Talk about speed dating.
35:35What happened to breaking me in gently?
35:38Bye.
35:39Bye.
35:39Bye, everyone.
35:40I'm so excited.
35:41I can't wait to hear all about it.
35:42Hold on a minute.
35:44Why do Colleen and James get to meet theirs now?
35:47Why do I have to wait to meet the gorgeous Mark from Melbourne?
35:51These agents are cock blockers.
35:56So before Colleen and James can be shoved into the back of a black cab
36:00and score their dinner party out of ten,
36:02they're whisked off to the other side of London for their first date
36:04with these lucky, loveless lovelies.
36:07I don't think I've even met a celebrity before in my life.
36:11So this is going to be a totally new experience for me.
36:14Calm down, Neil.
36:15You're having a drink with Colleen Nolan.
36:16You're not going to the NTAs.
36:19I'm feeling so excited about my date.
36:21I've never heard of James,
36:23but they showed me a photo of him and he was topless.
36:26He had abs for days.
36:28You could grate cheese on that.
36:29And I absolutely love cheese.
36:31So I'm ready.
36:32Well, Derry Lee, dunk my arse.
36:34She's ready, people.
36:35Take me to Cathedral City.
36:44Welcome back to Celebs Go Dating,
36:46where our new bunch of pampered personalities
36:48have been suitably wined and dined.
36:51And then, because it's us,
36:52forced to spill the tea on their pitiful private lives.
36:55And if that wasn't bad enough,
36:58we've slung these two out for their very first dates,
37:00with James off to meet 30-year-old admin assistant Kitten...
37:05Meow.
37:06..and for Colleen, his retired arm instructor, Neil,
37:09who's no doubt going commando.
37:11Dick on trouser.
37:12Hello.
37:13Colleen.
37:13Hello.
37:14Neil.
37:14Yes.
37:14Hello.
37:15Hi.
37:15Lovely to meet you.
37:17I took the liberty of getting champagne to start with.
37:21Cheers.
37:22Cheers.
37:22What's this dating like at 60?
37:24I don't know.
37:25I don't know.
37:26What do you do?
37:27Exactly.
37:29Hello, how you doing?
37:30Hey.
37:30Nice to meet you.
37:30Oh, you, I'm James.
37:31Nice to meet you.
37:31How you doing, right?
37:32It's a nice to meet you.
37:33How are you?
37:33Sorry, give it to you.
37:34Oh, yeah, that's not awkward.
37:35I love the tattoos.
37:37You too.
37:37I saw online that you have a leg injury.
37:40Yeah, I do.
37:40I'm limping everywhere.
37:41I was happy about that, though,
37:43because she tried you in a back door now.
37:45Sorry, what?
37:47Yeah, I know.
37:48Well, I wouldn't do that anyway.
37:49I'm too much of a gentleman.
37:49That's what they all say.
37:51Where do you live?
37:52Like, where are you from originally?
37:53The place that I'm from is really big for rugby, though.
37:56Do you rugby fan yourself?
37:57I've never watched rugby.
37:58OK.
37:58And they were like, do you know who he is?
37:59And I was like, I'm not going to, like, no.
38:01But they showed me a photo of you topless,
38:03and obviously I saw the abs, and I was like,
38:05well, I want to know him.
38:07Well, yeah, I mean, I'm not sure I'm really in the ab phase
38:09at the moment.
38:09I look like surgery, I haven't trained a lot.
38:11I look like you are.
38:11Well, thank you.
38:12I appreciate it.
38:12I mean, you look great, too.
38:16I embrace, like, my personality
38:17instead of pretending to be someone I'm not.
38:19So I've always had people call me crazy and stuff.
38:22Oh, really?
38:22But it's who I am, so I embrace her,
38:24and now my kind of, like, brandiness,
38:26I'm like, yeah, I'm the crazy tattooed woman.
38:29I have a question for you.
38:31Yes, you can ask whatever you want.
38:31So usually I date non-celebrities.
38:34Or, like, 99.99% of the population.
38:37So what do you think you can bring to the table
38:38as a rugby player that a normal man can't?
38:42Kitten's definitely lovely,
38:43but this is beginning to feel like a bit of an interview, I think.
38:47All I'm bringing to the party at the moment
38:48is a body that doesn't work particularly well
38:50and I limp everywhere.
38:51And a limp.
38:51A limp, yeah.
38:52If you're into guys with limps, then I'm all over it.
38:55I feel like the main thing for me is personality
38:57and emotional intelligence,
38:59cos I can't deal with these younger men
39:01who don't know how to use a washing machine any more.
39:04Actually, I'll be honest with you,
39:05I look very manly,
39:06but if you want me to, like, install your bathroom
39:09or, like, rewire a plug,
39:11I'm a bit used to that kind of stuff.
39:13But he will drink piss from a rugby boot,
39:15so swing some roundabouts.
39:18Hopefully, Colleen's ex-army guy, Neil,
39:20has more useful life skills.
39:21I did 15 years in the army,
39:23I was in the Royal Engineers,
39:24and I used to teach them missions.
39:25So I've never actually blown up a bridge,
39:27but I've taught people how to do it.
39:29I guess not,
39:30but you never know when that could come in handy.
39:32You know, this is OK, actually.
39:33It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be,
39:34and Neil's really good company.
39:37Do you miss the army?
39:38I miss certain aspects of it.
39:40Never killed anyone.
39:41Colleen, you can't ask him that.
39:44It's like him asking you about auto-tune.
39:46Seriously, though, Neil,
39:47who was on the bridge?
39:48Oh, shit.
39:49Has he killed someone?
39:52Actually, there's a bit of a story there.
39:56Oh, God, this is awkward.
39:57My bum hole's sucking and pulsing
39:59like a thirsty bath plug.
40:04You know you see all these guys
40:05on Remembrance Day
40:06with a whole chest of medals?
40:08Oh, yeah.
40:08Yeah?
40:09Go on.
40:10I did 15 years.
40:12What?
40:12Has he been banged up?
40:13But I haven't got one...
40:17..goddamn medal.
40:18Oh, thank God for that.
40:19I thought he killed loads of pensions on a bridge.
40:21He's just moaning about medals.
40:23Why are you crap?
40:24I didn't...
40:24I didn't...
40:27I'm going to give you a medal
40:28unless you deserve it.
40:29No, but you've got to be sent...
40:30I was never sent anywhere.
40:31And did you want it to go?
40:32If you're in a unit that goes,
40:34you kind of want to be part of the team.
40:36But did your unit go?
40:38Yes, and the unit went,
40:39but I'd already left to go somewhere else.
40:41Idiot.
40:42No, well, you know,
40:43it was when I got sent back to Sandlist
40:44as an instructor.
40:45And they'd be like,
40:46get back out there and get us a medal.
40:47You might just have to settle for a poppy.
40:50Are you good driving?
40:51I don't drive.
40:52I was in driving lessons for two years.
40:54Right.
40:54And I just couldn't do it.
40:55They said that the only person worse than me
40:57didn't speak English.
40:58What was your...
40:59What couldn't you do?
41:00Everything.
41:01You can't not do everything.
41:03I was in driving lessons for two years
41:05and, like, over 100 hours of lessons.
41:09Kitten's definitely got some energy about her,
41:11which I'm enjoying.
41:12She has described herself as a bit crazy
41:14and I'm beginning to see
41:15some of those traits come through.
41:16Do you have a non-negotiable?
41:18Non-negotiable would be
41:19somebody who doesn't have drive,
41:20somebody who doesn't work.
41:22I think I need people to secure as well,
41:24which is challenging
41:25because everyone's got things that they...
41:27Blind spots that they have
41:28and things that they don't want.
41:30Yeah.
41:30It's when people just offload it all onto you
41:32and then you're like,
41:33Oh.
41:34So what's your usual type?
41:36Because I've had a weird thing
41:38that my entire life
41:39people have always told me
41:41that they can imagine me
41:42with a rugby player.
41:43Oh, really?
41:44It's getting a bit intense.
41:46Probably need a bit of time out at the moment.
41:48Can you excuse me?
41:48I'm just going to go to the bathroom.
41:49Is that right?
41:50Yeah, that's fine.
41:50And when I say I go to the bathroom,
41:51I limp to the bathroom.
41:53Sorry, mate.
41:54Sorry to butt in.
41:55God, James, come on.
41:57How are you?
41:58Can I steal your...
41:59Of course.
41:59How can I argue?
42:00You've let me go so easily.
42:02Oh, sorry.
42:02Doing part of a fight.
42:03You've dropped the bullet.
42:05Story of his life.
42:09So, what do you think?
42:10So far, so good, yeah.
42:11Yeah?
42:12Good.
42:13So talk to me.
42:13How's it going?
42:14It's going really well.
42:15Really?
42:16It's really nice, yeah.
42:17Has he made you laugh yet?
42:18I mean, not ballet laugh yet, but yeah.
42:20Oh, well, just picky, picky, right?
42:21He seems lovely.
42:22He's very polite.
42:23He's very charming.
42:24And it's made me realise that I am willing to give it a go.
42:30Go on, girl.
42:31That's the spirit.
42:32You've got to be in it to win it.
42:33Moving on to you.
42:35Do you know what?
42:35She's really, really nice.
42:37I think we're very different people.
42:39Would you see her again?
42:40My mentality is, listen, I've been single for two and a half years.
42:44I've done dates like that.
42:45I don't feel like, you know, she's...
42:48Yeah, this waffle sounds like a definite no to me.
42:55What star sign are you?
42:57Aquarius.
42:59Oh, yeah.
43:00Oh, what does that mean?
43:02Oh, that's nice.
43:03Are you really?
43:04I'm Pisces.
43:06I know nothing about this.
43:08Pisces are dreamers.
43:10Just everything's a movie and romantic and soft.
43:13Is that what you want?
43:15Right.
43:16Yeah.
43:16I have a feeling I know what James wants.
43:19Should we go?
43:19Yeah.
43:20Yep, an early night.
43:21Hope you want me to go.
43:23Go for it.
43:23Go for it.
43:24Don't expect it back, though.
43:25Should we get the bill?
43:26Yes.
43:26Yeah.
43:27Can we get the bill, please?
43:29Well, thank you so much for a lovely date.
43:30It was so good to meet you.
43:31It was really nice.
43:32Hopefully see you again.
43:33Yeah, see you soon.
43:34Bye.
43:34I really enjoyed the date, actually, and I feel like he had really good chat and we bounced
43:38off each other.
43:40Slightly unresolved.
43:41I'm not sure if he wants to see me again.
43:43I mean, does he?
43:44He didn't actually say.
43:45He did to Killeen.
43:46Look, as dates go, I think I showed my personality.
43:51She was very complimentary, which obviously is a good thing.
43:54But for me, there wasn't quite that spark in terms of wanting to go further with her.
44:05Thank you for that.
44:06I really appreciate it.
44:08It's been really lovely tonight.
44:11Yeah.
44:11Because I haven't felt once awkward at all.
44:15No, it's been really nice.
44:17You might want to tell your face that.
44:19No.
44:20So, um, I would really like to see you again.
44:25Oh, God.
44:27What am I going to say?
44:28It's so nice, but I'm just not sure if there's a spark.
44:33I hope you feel the same.
44:38That'd be lovely.
44:39Say it like you mean it, Killeen.
44:41Had a fabulous time.
44:43I thought we were a really good match.
44:45It was a really good exploratory first date.
44:48All right, Neil.
44:49It was just a drink, not a reconnaissance mission in Basra.
44:52Ooh.
44:54God, that's a bit lasty, isn't it?
44:55Yeah, lovely to see you.
44:56Lovely to see you.
44:57To meet you.
44:58See you again soon.
44:59Yeah, definitely.
45:00See you later.
45:00Bye.
45:01He was such a nice guy, and we do seem to match on what we want in a relationship,
45:05which is good, but he didn't make me laugh, and that's high up on my list.
45:10You know, I do want to meet someone, but do you know what?
45:12It's so hard.
45:13It can't be everyone else.
45:14Some of it's got to be me.
45:16I'm obviously doing something wrong or expecting too much.
45:20Why is it so complicated now?
45:22Don't worry, Killeen.
45:23We'll find you someone.
45:26Still to come.
45:28The agency throws open its doors.
45:31Entree.
45:32And I'm not talking about Tom's back ones.
45:34Hello!
45:35Was there an effect?
45:36It's kind of embarrassing.
45:38Hashtag orcs.
45:40The celebs go dating.
45:42There was literally a dog doing a wee up a tree behind you, sorry.
45:45Okay.
45:45Yeah.
45:46That'd throw me, to be fair.
45:48And the shit chat's back.
45:49God, suck a fart out of your ass.
45:51Literally.
45:53Things heat up at the first mixer.
45:54You are outrageous, I love her.
45:56Your finger is naughty.
45:58I was sandwiched between two men, and I was like, no, we're not you, sorry.
46:01Dude's got no game.
46:03Understatement.
46:03What do I do?
46:04Oh, show me, bro.
46:05After that whole exchange, it came across as very rude.
46:10And the temperature keeps rising as the celebs land in Tenerife.
46:16You're about to get torn left, right and centre.
46:19Hopefully I will on me date.
46:20Oh, Kaleem.
46:21Once I had sex, I'll betray it.
46:24Oh, great.
46:25Splinter my sphincter.
46:27We all go.
46:38We all go.
Comments