- 1 day ago
Taskmaster AU - Season 5 Episode 2 - TBA
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:04Where's the ball?
00:05Get out!
00:06Woohoo!
00:13I'm totally going.
00:14Woo!
00:16Down!
00:23Woohoo!
00:23Yeah, you're a good boy.
00:24You're a good chocolate, yeah?
00:28You're going to be like this today, aren't you?
00:39Hello and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41The game is simple.
00:43Five comedians do some shit at my behest in front of a virginal man with a whistle.
00:48One of them will get a trophy of my head and one of them will be executed in the car
00:53park.
00:54That won't be part of the show.
00:56I just assume from looking at Brett Blake that he's going to get murdered at some point.
01:00Mucking in tonight, we have Anissa Nandala.
01:04Woohoo!
01:05Brett the victim Blake.
01:07Woohoo!
01:08Celia Pakwala.
01:10Woohoo!
01:10Joel Preecey.
01:14And Perth's very own, Roe McManus.
01:17Woohoo!
01:20Now beside me, it's the man who was turned down for Channel 10's buddy program.
01:25He's too old to be a little buddy and he obviously can't be a big one.
01:30It's Tom Cashman.
01:36All right, Lissa Tom, hit me with a prize task.
01:39Our first task, of course, is a prize task.
01:41Each of our contestants have brought in a prize and the winner of tonight's episode will take
01:44home all five prizes.
01:46Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the best
01:50thing that can be safely concealed in your mouth at the start of an episode record.
01:58Okay.
02:00Brett, what have you brought for us?
02:07It's, um, famous football player Warwick Capper's golden undies.
02:14Unwashed.
02:19That's pretty good.
02:20How did you get them?
02:21On eBay.
02:22Surprisingly, his career has gone really bad and he's selling everything.
02:26Oh, so they're his actual undies.
02:27They're his actual undies.
02:28Yeah, $27.
02:30Bad.
02:31Mm-mm-mm.
02:32Mm-mm.
02:33Oh, no.
02:34We haven't thought this through at all.
02:35Joel's desperate to talk.
02:38Mm-mm.
02:39I thought Joel would have been used to speaking with a mouthful.
02:41Mm-mm-mm.
02:42Oh, no.
02:42We haven't thought this through at all.
02:42He thinks they're Kylie Minogue's, hasn't he?
02:46They're not.
02:48Okay.
02:48Rove, what have you brought in?
02:52I just went with air.
02:54Oh.
02:57The task is the best thing.
03:00The life-giving oxygen that is all around us is very important.
03:05Warwick Capper's groin is also life-giving.
03:13So, Celia, what have you hidden?
03:16Oh, God.
03:17Oh.
03:18Oh, that was grosser than I was expecting.
03:22It says a necklace that a stranger, a fan, made for me
03:25that says somebody at Channel 7 has me.
03:30Wow.
03:33So, just to be clear, this is something that you said at the Logies.
03:37Yes.
03:37I was presenting an award that was on Channel 7
03:39and the autocue was incorrect, so I said the wrong award
03:42and instead of being professional and smoothing that over,
03:45I said on live television,
03:48someone at Channel 7 has me
03:50before they were able to cut away from me.
03:54And it apparently resonated with a lot of people
03:57because it turns out someone at Channel 7 has a lot of people.
04:01Can I say, it's wonderful to be here at Channel 10.
04:05Anissa, what are you concealing?
04:08Oh.
04:09Oh.
04:11Don't judge me!
04:13I have a poem, which is very difficult to read.
04:17This is a poem for you.
04:19Oh, for me?
04:20Yeah, the best thing I could do is a poem that I...
04:22Oh, God.
04:32Dear Taskmaster.
04:36Your personality is a chandelier filling the room with lights.
04:40Your jokes are an assorted box of chocolate, each filled with delights.
04:44You are my favourite of the whites.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49Wow.
04:56Did you like it?
04:57Yeah, I feel really flattered,
04:59but I feel like there are a few traps in there for me.
05:02It's hard to be white and proud, if you know what I mean.
05:06Joel, you've been waiting to show us what's in your mouth.
05:08Mm-hm.
05:09What have you got in your mouth, Joel?
05:12Oh, oh, oh, oh.
05:15Oh, oh, oh, oh.
05:15Oh, Joel.
05:16Oh, Celia!
05:17There was too...
05:17Oh, oh, Celia!
05:21You know what you did.
05:22Celia!
05:27I've had fake blood in there the whole time.
05:30Oh, my God.
05:31It was disgusting.
05:32I thought you had bad acting in there.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:39I did a year on Neighbours, thank you very much.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:42So, while you were doing all that mime before,
05:44you had that ready to go?
05:46Yeah.
05:47OK.
05:48I was very gink.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:51All right, well, we need some scores here, don't we?
05:53Yes.
05:53I'm going to have to give one point to Brett,
05:55cos it was not safely concealed,
05:56much like Warwick Capper's cock while he was wearing that.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:02LAUGHTER
06:02I'm going to give Celia two.
06:03I knew it.
06:04I should have thought this through.
06:04You bloody love the Logies.
06:06Yeah, yeah.
06:07You love it!
06:07It's because I think it is an institution
06:09that is beyond critique.
06:12All right.
06:13Like, I'd prefer to make fun of the church, you know?
06:16Well, guess what?
06:17Someone at the church me as well.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:25I'm going to give three points to Joel,
06:27cos I love the entertainment.
06:28I'm not sure it was the best thing.
06:30Oh, what?
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32Air's better than that, so four points to Rove.
06:35Anissa read out a very beautiful poem, which I...
06:37Yes, Massa!
06:39APPLAUSE
06:40It was a very beautiful poem,
06:42it was easily the best thing,
06:44and it made me into a proud white man.
06:47LAUGHTER
06:49All right, enough of this half-arse live crap.
06:52Let's watch something people have put a bit more effort into,
06:55shall we?
06:55Sure.
06:55A big F you to any fans of individualism.
06:57It's our first team task of the season.
06:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:13Hey, Tom.
07:14Hey, Anissa.
07:15It's my birthday!
07:16We're really celebrating, if so.
07:19Ah!
07:24Is that for me?
07:26Not yet.
07:27Do I have to say please?
07:29I'm pretty sure that was you, Tom.
07:30I'm not sure about that.
07:31Hello.
07:31Ah!
07:32Ah!
07:35Careful!
07:36Oh!
07:37I hate blues!
07:38Oh, my God, we did!
07:39Whoa!
07:41Anissa, hello!
07:42Ah!
07:47Oh, my God!
07:48Oh, my God!
07:48Oh, my God!
07:49Oh, my God!
07:50Oh, my God!
07:51Oh, my God!
07:52Oh, my God!
07:52Oh, my God!
07:53Oh, my God!
07:53Oh, my God!
07:55Hello!
07:56We're not supposed to pop them.
07:57Let's just leave this loser and go have some fun with balloons.
07:59Let's have a good time.
08:00Hey!
08:01My friends!
08:01I've got friends!
08:02Yes!
08:03I'm not very good at this show.
08:05Oh, my God!
08:06I'm so bad at this show.
08:08Oh, good.
08:09What?
08:11Okay, am I...
08:12Do you want to read it?
08:13No, I don't want to read it.
08:14I feel like...
08:14Yay.
08:15Pop the golden balloon.
08:17If you do a forbidden thing, you must don a piece of protective clothing from your mannequin.
08:23What does don mean?
08:25Um, like, you're the boss of all the mafia.
08:27So, we will have to go and commit crimes, chop off a horse's head, put it in a bed.
08:32Are you kidding with...
08:33Or are you serious?
08:34Like, cement shoes, throw someone in a river.
08:36If you do a forbidden thing again, you must do a spin with your hands by your side for every
08:41time you've done that forbidden thing.
08:43Fewest red balloons popped wins.
08:46Your time starts now.
08:47Well, we don't need to panic.
08:49Let's just, I guess, start to look for a golden balloon.
08:52And if we...
08:55You've done a forbidden thing.
08:56Please don an item.
09:03Start off the top there, I noticed that everyone was wearing earbuds except for Brit Blake.
09:07What were you thinking?
09:07Just going to tough it out?
09:08What?
09:12I'm actually deaf in one ear, so I was like, whatever, who cares if they both go down?
09:17Now, Roeve, it was good to see you trying to help out the next generation of comedians by explaining what
09:21Don was by talking about The Godfather, a film from the early 70s.
09:27So, Anissa, have you seen The Godfather?
09:29Oh, no.
09:31No.
09:31So, you didn't know what he was talking about?
09:33I had no idea, but I'm trying to make friends, so I was like, okay, that's nice.
09:36But also, it's not...
09:39All right, well, I think we need some team names.
09:41Oh, okay.
09:42I'm feeling inspired by commercial radio.
09:44Because I thought Roeve, you and Anissa could be called The Breakfast Show.
09:46Because often, like, in commercial radio, they get someone very high profile and an unknown.
09:50So, I feel like the other three, when they do a drive show, they get three people who would clearly
09:54never hang out together.
09:56So, you're The Drive Show.
09:59The Breakfast Show and The Drive Show.
10:01All right, Tom, let's get spiky.
10:04Call it a pop duo, because we've got both teams at once.
10:07Okay, what is a forbidden thing?
10:09Dunno, but we need a golden balloon to pop.
10:12Brett has done a forbidden thing.
10:14Please don an item on your mannequin.
10:16Okay, don't let any balloons out, you have to sneak out.
10:20Celia has done a forbidden thing.
10:21Please don an item on your mannequin.
10:25Joel has done a forbidden thing.
10:26Please don an item on your mannequin.
10:37What happened?
10:38They're sharp.
10:39No!
10:40Bad, Tom!
10:41I think Helmut was a smart choice.
10:44Celia has done a forbidden thing.
10:45Wait!
10:46We don't get in trouble if we...
10:49Oh, I think you can't point.
10:52I can do the middle, and I'll look in this corner.
10:55Why are you thrusting?
10:57I look so sick.
10:58Why?
10:58Oh, jeez.
10:59Pop the golden balloon.
11:02Anissa has done a forbidden thing.
11:04I think the B word is a forbidden thing.
11:09This reminds me, I've got to get my hemorrhoids checked.
11:11I feel like it's going to be something very annoying and it's...
11:14Brett has done a forbidden thing.
11:16Please don an additional item from your mannequin.
11:18Do not bend over.
11:19Oh!
11:21How will you know if we pop the...
11:23Sorry.
11:28Brett has done a forbidden thing.
11:30Please don two additional items from your mannequin.
11:33I'm running out of items.
11:35Oh.
11:36I found something.
11:38If you look down here, I have uncovered an arrow pointing towards Tom.
11:43Oh, you turn.
11:44It's a really small thing.
11:46Yeah, it's...
11:46Brett, what are you doing?
11:48Stop it!
11:49I did the thing.
11:51I didn't want to talk about it.
11:52I...
11:52I got it.
11:53You did it?
11:54Yeah.
11:54I knew you were hiding it, you cheeky.
11:56Brett has not done the thing.
11:58There it is.
11:59Hiding in the corner.
12:01Enjoy this moment.
12:04No.
12:05They set this up.
12:06They have to sit through it.
12:07Almost done.
12:08Here we go.
12:09Woo!
12:11Woo!
12:12Woo!
12:14Hiya, waga!
12:15Thanks, Scott.
12:16I did it!
12:17I did it like ten minutes ago, you idiots!
12:20Oh, my God!
12:22Woo!
12:22On and on!
12:23Miss Victor Vaughn!
12:35So, just starting with The Drive Show, there were forbidden things.
12:38Did all of you feel like you were keeping track of the forbidden things?
12:41Celia was onto it quite quick with the balloons.
12:43I'm the girl one.
12:47Well...
12:47In the drive show world, I'm the girl one.
12:49Yeah, but I...
12:49I'm the diversity hire.
12:52And I'm the fat idiot that does a secret sound.
12:56So, just remind me, what were the forbidden things?
12:59So, our contestants couldn't say the word balloon.
13:01You couldn't point.
13:02They couldn't duck below the balloons.
13:03The final one is that they weren't allowed to touch me,
13:06which no-one showed any interest of doing.
13:11So, what are the scores?
13:12How do we score this?
13:13Well, so, it's fewest pops wins.
13:15Yep.
13:15Our team of two had 32 pops.
13:18Our team of three also 32.
13:20It's a tie.
13:20Oh!
13:21I think they both seemed relatively average.
13:24OK.
13:24So, I'm going to give them all three.
13:26OK.
13:2633, 33, 33.
13:27Yep.
13:31What are the scores in the episode so far?
13:33Well, Brett is in last place with four points.
13:35Then Anise is out in front with eight points!
13:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:40Well, that's it for part one.
13:41Time for a break so I can poke Tom Cashman
13:44with thumbtacks and see if he pops.
13:46We'll be back after this.
13:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:58Welcome back to Taskmaster where we're going to find out
14:01which Australian comedian is the most...
14:04I don't know, it doesn't really matter.
14:05Uh, Lisa Tom?
14:06You've got a task for us?
14:08He he he.
14:09That I do, my ladies.
14:11LAUGHTER
14:27A little upskirt camera.
14:29Nice.
14:31Can I enter?
14:32Sure thing.
14:33Oh ho ho ho!
14:35Why have you got swagger?
14:36Working hard or hardly working.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:40Dude...
14:40Oh, I'm going to have an asthma attack in here.
14:43What?
14:44Why are you dabbing at me?
14:46LAUGHTER
14:46Yeah, he's here.
14:48Yeah, he's a bit, isn't he?
14:50No, your words are not mine, mate.
14:52Did it hurt?
14:53When I fell from heaven?
14:55No.
14:55Yeah.
14:56Keeping it real?
14:57Very nice.
14:58LAUGHTER
15:01Be cringe.
15:02Oh, you have been cringe before.
15:05Most cringe wins.
15:06You have 25 minutes.
15:08Your time starts now.
15:10What makes me go, ugh?
15:13The Borat stuff is one thing.
15:15Austin Powers stuff?
15:17All of that sort of, do I make you horny?
15:22I think you made that knob horny.
15:24I made that knob horny, baby, yeah!
15:27Public displays of affection.
15:28Oh.
15:29Taking a photo of themselves making out.
15:31I'm going to have to do that, aren't I?
15:33When a man hits on someone that is clearly not interested
15:35but they just won't stop, that is cringe.
15:38For the sake of this, I need you to be the woman.
15:40I'm a 50-year-old man.
15:41I should dance.
15:43Do you have any children nearby?
15:47I know what the most cringe thing we've ever seen was.
15:50So I'm going to borrow you and then I'm going to come back
15:53and it's all going to make sense.
15:54We don't have long, so I need you to hurry up
15:56and send out some invites.
15:58Get cracking.
16:00Coming back here.
16:00You can relax.
16:02There's no cars involved.
16:03We can have our panic attacks later.
16:11Melissa Tom, I don't want to see you with swagger ever again.
16:15It did occur to me that I was trying to be cringe
16:17in all those different ways but the one that I did for Brett
16:19I just seemed like a normal, confident man.
16:23Alright.
16:23Brett, what did you mean by upskirt camera?
16:25What's that about?
16:27I haven't heard of them.
16:29Oh.
16:29Are you more of a shoe mirror guy?
16:34Don't know what that is either.
16:36Don't. Oh, really?
16:38Now, Rove, I'm also a 50-year-old man
16:40and I can confirm that Austin Powers is cringe.
16:44Rove did such a strong Austin Powers impression
16:47he broke the caravan.
16:49It came out way too easily.
16:51Way too easily.
16:53Okay, Melissa Tom, who do we have first?
16:55First up, in their attempt to be very nice at the task,
16:57I refuse to do the voice again,
16:59it's Anissa and Rove.
17:04Woo!
17:05Let's get this party started!
17:07Hey, everybody!
17:07Sorry, I didn't bring any drinks for the bath
17:10but I just took one anyway.
17:11Alright, we having a good time?
17:14Damn!
17:17Damn!
17:20My name's Tom.
17:22I'm Anissa.
17:25Oh, delicious, smells like cocoa butter.
17:27This party be skippity, yeah?
17:29You know what I'm saying.
17:31DJ, turn the music on.
17:33Hey, everyone, I'm Jessica's uncle, Glen.
17:35I'm just here, uninvited, but I thought, surprise!
17:39What's a girl like you doing here by yourself?
17:41I'm not by myself, I'm with friends, actually.
17:43Can I be a friend?
17:44Let's get some skippity-toilet action, yeah, baby!
17:50That's what my wife would really like.
17:54I'm scared to be vulnerable.
17:56Someone like you, it feels easy to let my guard down as a man.
17:59We've been talking for about 2.5 minutes.
18:01That's what I mean, it's easy.
18:03Can I get your number?
18:04Will it mean that you leave me alone?
18:08No, I don't want the number then.
18:10Okay.
18:10Come on!
18:11Let's get the party started, come on!
18:13Let's get some, get some riz going here!
18:15Woo!
18:19I'm running, but I'm not going anywhere!
18:24Who wants to pick up my legs?
18:26Pick up my legs!
18:26Pick up my legs!
18:27Oh!
18:27My wheelbarrow!
18:29What?!
18:29I'm not leaving here without one dance.
18:32Oh, that's great.
18:34Put me down there.
18:34Oh!
18:35Oh!
18:35Sorry, I just hurt my back.
18:37Bop!
18:37Bop!
18:38Will you marry me?
18:39Marry you?
18:40I'll take care of you.
18:41I'll leave you to it.
18:43I'll leave you to it.
18:43I'm going to go throw up in the garden.
18:45Happy 21st, Jessica!
18:51Not very riz.
18:54That was very cringe.
18:57Okay, so, Anissa, for you, being cringe was a creepy guy?
19:02Yeah, just a guy who can't take no for an ass.
19:05He just keeps going.
19:06So, is this based on personal experience?
19:08Have you had to deal with this?
19:10Yeah, I've had to deal with this.
19:11But I also think I've also been that person.
19:15It actually kind of looks a bit cool, will I?
19:17It looks real cool.
19:18I might try that.
19:19It's like dodging all the no vibes.
19:21Yeah.
19:25Okay, now, Rove, I feel like this was really playing into your strengths.
19:32I mean, it was amazing to watch.
19:36I feel like you are the cringe champ.
19:38I've got to play to my strengths.
19:39As soon as I opened up, I just went, I got this.
19:41I took my time.
19:42Oh, it was fantastic.
19:43You were just constant entertainment.
19:44That's why I got three gold logies.
19:52Alright, it's time for an ad break.
19:54When we return, we'll have some more comedians being as cringe as possible.
19:58And also, the rest of the task.
19:59See you then.
20:11Welcome back to Taskmaster, where our contestants are battling it out in a fight to the reputational
20:17death.
20:17Um, actually, your reputation can't die.
20:21Okay?
20:21Reputation lives on after death.
20:25That's the kind of thing they're trying to do.
20:27Up next, it's Joel and Celia.
20:30I'm going to do an art attack.
20:32This is an art attack.
20:33This is an art attack.
20:34This is an art attack.
20:35An art attack?
20:36No.
20:37Just art attack.
20:38What's the most ick things people call each other?
20:41Partner in crime?
20:42Honey pumpkin.
20:43My forever boo.
20:44Art attack?
20:44It was that show back in, like, the early noughties, late nineties, and you would do, like,
20:49big writings on the ground.
20:53Hang on.
20:53I'm going to change it round.
20:55Ugh.
20:56How the f*** do people do this?
20:58How do they do it?
21:02How good's that?
21:04Mmm.
21:05Did I get it?
21:06Ugh.
21:06I hate this.
21:07I hate this so much.
21:10Some people might say the bongos are a bit cringe.
21:13You've got one minute and 49 seconds.
21:14Oh, s***.
21:15Do I?
21:15S***, s***, s***.
21:16Go on, get it out!
21:18That looks good.
21:19Hey.
21:21Imagine that from up top.
21:22This is an art attack.
21:23This is an art attack.
21:25This is an art attack.
21:26This is art attack.
21:28Ta-da.
21:29Look, I'm being cringe.
21:31Tom, can you be part of the A?
21:32Okay.
21:33Oh, oh.
21:34Oh, that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
21:37I hate it.
21:38Oh, I'm cringing.
21:39Now tell me some of your stand-up.
21:40Um...
21:41Diarrhea.
21:42Very difficult to spell.
21:43Diarrhea.
21:44Very difficult to spell.
21:45Very easy to push out of your arsehole.
21:47Very easy to push out of your arsehole.
21:52Gross.
21:54Okay, so it has to be...
21:56Uh-oh.
21:57Out with my forever partner in crime.
22:01Hashtag so in love.
22:02Hashtag blessed.
22:04Hashtag candid.
22:05Hashtag so in love.
22:06Blessed.
22:07Lot of blessed.
22:07Okay.
22:08Yeah.
22:08Blessed, blessed, blessed.
22:09Heart, heart, hearts.
22:10I hated that thoroughly.
22:11But I love love.
22:13Just keep it to yourself.
22:14I'm quinging.
22:17And what do we say?
22:18This is an art attack.
22:19This is an art attack.
22:21This is an art attack.
22:23This is an art attack.
22:24Oh, okay.
22:25Thanks, Joel.
22:26See ya.
22:27Have fun cleaning up.
22:35So Celia, what were you going for there?
22:37I hate public displays of affection, particularly when people post them online.
22:42Particularly...
22:42This was a specific thing that I remember is for people who post photos of...
22:46Like a selfie of them making out.
22:47A friend of mine once posted a picture of himself on the beach in his Speedos and he said,
22:52Missing grandma, hashtag one year today.
22:58PDA is pretty cringe-worthy, but having PDA with a pretend boyfriend, is that how you
23:02were trying to elevate it?
23:03My choice was mannequin or Tom, so...
23:05Mannequin.
23:06Eww.
23:06Eww.
23:07I was right there.
23:08Yeah.
23:10Could have been more cringe.
23:12Everyone at home would have been imagining his prickly little face on their lips.
23:17Imagine explaining to my boyfriend and father of my child that it's not cheating because
23:21it was cringe.
23:22You know?
23:24That's...
23:25That's the...
23:26That's the thinking.
23:27Now, Joel, I put it to you that you just wanted to do an art attack.
23:31I really...
23:31I'm not sure it had much to do with cringe.
23:34Well, people tell me I'm cringe all the time, no matter what I do.
23:37So, there were so many options, I figured, why not do an art attack and use some of Tom's
23:45material.
23:46Um...
23:47And what's cringier than leaving it for the crew to clean up after?
23:50I actually felt terrible, but...
23:51So, you just left all the mess there because you thought that would be cringe to have other
23:55people clean up after you.
23:56And with all the other tasks, you helped the crew tidy up.
24:02Um, yeah.
24:02Yeah.
24:04Yeah.
24:05Well, that was...
24:06That was...
24:06It was good.
24:08It was good.
24:08It was...
24:08Be cringe.
24:09I wrote it out, didn't I?
24:10I know, but you missed an opportunity there.
24:12Because the whole point was to be cringe.
24:15And you even spelt out be and cringe, and you put yourself in the word be.
24:22You could have literally been cringe, but instead, you be be.
24:30I'll pay you that one.
24:32Yeah.
24:33Very good point.
24:35All right.
24:36Well, that's...
24:37Glad you gave yourself a one.
24:39Oh, come on.
24:40All the crew had to clean up.
24:42Give it for...
24:43Do it for the crew.
24:45I don't give a f*** about the crew.
24:49All right, Cashman.
24:51Uh, put me out of my misery.
24:52The cringiest thing to him is a normal haircut.
24:54It's Brett Blake.
24:59Yeah.
25:00Ready for another one.
25:02Where'd the bloody go?
25:03Do another cast.
25:05Yeah.
25:06Is that what I sound like?
25:07I'll do whatever the f*** I want.
25:13Yo, it's Tom.
25:14Come on in.
25:15The world's most sexiest man.
25:18God, have you been working out?
25:19I think that's what he said.
25:20I don't like this on you.
25:22Why do I sound like I've had helium?
25:24I do not sound like that.
25:25You're up here.
25:26Look, you're pissing me off as me.
25:28And I don't like being angry at myself, because I like to be positive.
25:30I bloody do what I want.
25:31Yeah.
25:32I bloody do what I want.
25:33Yeah, I like this.
25:34Let's go have some fun as Brett.
25:36Come on, dude.
25:36You're going to love this.
25:38I'm not.
25:38Oh, I'm a boring nerd.
25:41Stick to time.
25:43Kick that over the roof.
25:44That's cool.
25:46Oh, that was a good one.
25:47I didn't give a hoot what effect that has on anyone else.
25:50Kick that one over the roof.
25:51Go on.
25:52That seems like I shouldn't.
25:54Just shut up and kick the ball.
25:57Did you make it?
25:58Yeah, it went high.
25:59Do this one.
26:00Joke is it's really hard.
26:02Oh.
26:04That hurt your foot?
26:05Yeah, got ya.
26:06That was sick.
26:07Congratulations.
26:08Congratulations to you, mate.
26:09You have just won Taskmaster.
26:11Yeah.
26:13I knew it.
26:13Now back to your room, you scallywag.
26:15Oh, good on ya mate.
26:17Good on ya mate.
26:18Good on ya mate.
26:20Woo!
26:21Give that guy a promotion.
26:23Hell yeah.
26:37Well, we're only two episodes in and I can feel a genuine resentment between you two.
26:42Oh, it gets worse.
26:43So, to be cringe was to be Lesser Tom.
26:46Lesser Tom was being the most cringe I've ever seen when he was pretending to be cringe.
26:51So then I thought I would become him because that's the most cringe thing.
26:56But then he became me and that pissed me off.
26:58And then I got excited to meet myself and then we just kicked some shit over a house.
27:02It was awesome.
27:03And then I forgot what the task was.
27:04But we had an awesome time, didn't we dude?
27:06It was sick.
27:06So, I think if anything that's worth at least three points.
27:11Alright, well I should hand out some scores here.
27:14Yep.
27:14I mean, it just felt like such a missed opportunity.
27:17Joel could have literally been cringe but he was B.
27:19So, one point to Joel.
27:21Oh!
27:22Two points to Brett Blake because it was really entertaining and not very cringey at all.
27:25It was just a good old afternoon of fun, of bread on bread action.
27:31Three points to Anissa.
27:32Yep.
27:33I felt quite creeped out by your advances.
27:36Four points for Celia.
27:37Oh my gosh.
27:37Because that was a very cringe photo.
27:39But I feel like, you know, I've seen your Instagram, it just blended in.
27:44Olympic level of cringe.
27:45Broke it, man.
27:46Skibbity.
27:47Skibbity.
27:47Yeah, bloody nailed it.
27:49Bloody nailed it.
27:50Five points.
27:52Alright.
27:53If all that made you want to crawl off into a little hole and die, now would be the
27:57perfect opportunity.
27:58We'll see you after this.
28:11Welcome back to Taskmaster where five comedians are jockeying for Brett Blake's jocks.
28:16Lesser Tom, I believe it might be time to crack open a freshie.
28:20A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
28:22That was said by philosopher Lao Tzu, 1400 years before the pogo stick was invented.
28:27How wrong he was.
28:28And, of course, Tommyy!
28:48I've read a good one.
28:50Hello.
28:51Hi Celia.
28:53I'm glad you're my real dad.
28:55Me too.
28:56What's happening?
28:57You'll see.
28:58Do you want a banana?
29:00No, thank you.
29:00Oh, Illuminati circle.
29:04May I?
29:05Yes, please.
29:06Is that a beguet?
29:08What?
29:09A beguet?
29:10No.
29:10Is that what they call them, the French?
29:12Beguet?
29:12Or am I mixing bidet and bread?
29:14I think that's exactly what you're doing.
29:21Choose up to two items, then travel the furthest on them.
29:25My beguet.
29:28That's not what it's called.
29:29Your journey must begin on the mat.
29:32And once any part of you touches ground, it's over.
29:37Once you touch an item, you must use it.
29:39Furthest journey wins.
29:40You have 15 minutes.
29:42Your time starts now.
29:46Right.
29:51So Anissa, just to be clear, it's not beguet, it's beguet.
29:54Yeah.
29:55And it wasn't one, it's sourdough.
29:58I'm the beguet.
29:59I'm the beguet.
30:02I said beguet like 30 times and you just looked at me and didn't correct me once.
30:07I corrected you so many times.
30:10So just to be clear, they've got two exercise balls, a bucket, a rubber duck, a roller skater, a pogo
30:14stick, a unicycle and, of course, a beguet.
30:18But also, Joel had all of those things, but he couldn't see the two exercise balls.
30:27All right, who's, uh, first up?
30:29Listen, Tom.
30:30Which one will go farther?
30:31Well, maybe neither of them will call their father.
30:33It's Joel and Celia.
30:35Okay, I'm going to hurt myself.
30:37Why?
30:38Because it's who I am.
30:39Oh.
30:39Have you met me?
30:40What am I going to do with a bread roll?
30:42Have a snack?
30:43But maybe that won't work.
30:45You've touched the ball.
30:46That touched me!
30:47You must use the ball.
30:48That was God's fault!
30:50What's that called?
30:50A wheelie shoe?
30:51What are they called again?
30:52Ice skate?
30:53No, skate shoes.
30:55Ice skates?
30:55No, I know.
30:57They're called rollerblades.
30:58I'm going the roller skate, Tom.
30:59Okay.
31:00Oh, it's not my size.
31:02Oh, no.
31:02Oh, no, it's so small.
31:04Oh, no, it doesn't fit.
31:05Why did I pick this?
31:06Your foot fits perfectly.
31:08Right?
31:08How convenient.
31:09I mean, I'm going to go the pogo stick.
31:12My eyes are up here.
31:13Okay.
31:14Oh, my God.
31:15This could be a terrible idea.
31:16Hold on.
31:16Oh, yeah, no, this is okay.
31:18Oh!
31:20Look how far I've got, Tom.
31:22What could go wrong?
31:24Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
31:28Just a quick break.
31:29Having a rest?
31:29Yeah.
31:30I've got heaps of time.
31:31Don't rush me.
31:32How long have I got?
31:33Eight minutes and 51 seconds.
31:34Oh, I was hoping you'd say, like, two minutes.
31:36Does this look as graceful as it feels?
31:38How graceful does it feel?
31:39Just checking in.
31:40Not very.
31:41This is a real career highlight for me.
31:43Maybe I can head back towards the house.
31:44Okay.
31:45I think maybe I should go back to...
31:51You've touched it around.
31:52That wasn't my phone.
31:55Oh, thank God.
31:59How do you feel?
32:00Wrecked.
32:01All right.
32:02Thanks.
32:03Thanks, Celia.
32:04Thanks, Tom.
32:10So, Celia, I just want to let you know we deliberately weakened that exercise ball so that that happened.
32:15I just wanted you to know that was a lie I thought would make you feel better.
32:20Yeah, because they're supposed to, like, I've sat on one of those when I was pregnant and I didn't pop
32:24it.
32:24I didn't pop it when I was two people and now I'm popping it when I'm one.
32:27I need to go to the gym.
32:29If you do, don't sit on the exercise ball.
32:32What was your thought process between choosing those two objects?
32:35Well, God chose me with the ball.
32:37It nudged the ball into me and I had no choice because of Stickler McGee over here.
32:42And then, I don't know, I just thought the roller skates seemed like sort of the closest thing to a
32:46vehicle.
32:47It looked like a foot car, right?
32:50So, Joel, why did you zero in on those two objects?
32:54Well, I couldn't see both the exercise balls, obviously, so they were out.
32:57So I put on the foot car, which was way too small for me.
33:01And then, for some reason, I went with a pogo stick.
33:04But I think I covered some distance.
33:05Well, I feel like you went quite a long way, but then you got bored and then you came back.
33:09Yeah, but it's not about that, wasn't it just about metres?
33:12Well, it's up to you, but I think we should be counting how far you go in total.
33:15Thank you. Thank you. Dress and groom three. See you after the show.
33:21To pay you. To pay you. I'm not going to.
33:25Just so you know, in future, when I'm saying things and saying opinions, it's not for sexual favours.
33:31Now you tell us.
33:33I know.
33:34How far did they travel?
33:35Well, Celia's perfectly fitting roller skate got her exactly 16.4 metres.
33:40Joel's roller derby pogo approach got him 226.1 metres in total.
33:46Oh, wow!
33:46APPLAUSE
33:50OK, Lissa Tom, let's see someone else's stunted, hectic journey across the backyard, please.
33:56They say the longest journey is the one between our heads and our hearts.
33:59I hope this next guy gets further than that.
34:00It's Brett Blake.
34:01I think I know what I'm going to do.
34:08This is a boring challenge.
34:10Task.
34:12Shut up.
34:14It's really annoying the van's over there.
34:16Because if I could get to the van and drive, yeah, that's an idea.
34:25You had tape prepared?
34:27Yeah.
34:29Am I nailing this?
34:31Furnest distance travelled.
34:34How far is the next pub?
34:36We're not allowed to leave the property.
34:38We don't have licence plates.
34:39Well, then we get arrested by the police.
34:41They take us to the police station.
34:43What's that?
34:44Closest police station is 8km away.
34:47Oh, **** one.
34:47No, we can't do that.
34:49Yeah, I can.
34:50Watch.
34:50No, we can't.
35:01We can't get out.
35:02Fair.
35:05I think it's going to be furthest distance collectively.
35:08So I'm just going to do this for seven minutes, yeah?
35:13Earthless reward.
35:14Such a drama queen, babe.
35:16Have a look at me.
35:17Do you think this mullet's fake?
35:18Do you think this is my first time doing this?
35:21Tom's having a panic attack.
35:24Tom's having a panic attack.
35:25The mullet makes me more worried.
35:27Do you know what will make you really worried?
35:28If I close my eyes.
35:33I reckon we've got 3Ks in that.
35:35What do you reckon?
35:36Do you think?
35:36Mmm.
35:373Ks of donuts?
35:38Yeah.
35:38I'll just park in that corner, and then I think I've won.
35:41Careful.
35:44That's a win.
35:46Next.
35:48Taskmaster.
35:49My arse.
35:55Very good.
35:56Brad, I think your bogan intelligence really blossomed in this one, didn't it?
36:00I think you're right.
36:01I really think I excelled in that, and Tom had a terrific time, didn't you, Tom?
36:06I was a bit scared.
36:09I've never seen producers more worried than doing that task.
36:13The stunt coordinator came with a fire extinguisher.
36:16If they're not stunt coordinators, then...
36:18What is he trying to be telling me off to?
36:21He's a health and safety officer.
36:23Oh, whatever.
36:26I'll tell you what he is.
36:27He's a goddamn wet blanket.
36:31All right, well, I think we have to know how far he went.
36:34Well, Brett did 17 donuts at approximately 27 metres circumference each, we think.
36:39Two trips up the drive and back, that's 195 metres total,
36:42plus an initial walk of 47 metres is 701 metres.
36:46Wow.
36:48Geez, it doesn't get much better than this.
36:51We'll have a break, because with great TV comes great ads.
36:55See you soon.
36:58APPLAUSE
37:08Welcome back to Classmaster, where our five comedians are finally doing something I've been asking them to do for years.
37:14Go far away.
37:15That's right.
37:16Our contestants are trying to go as far as they can, using only two items from the items in front
37:20of them.
37:20Last up, they're as far from each other as they can be on their chairs right now.
37:23Is that a good omen or just boring?
37:25It's Anissa and Rove.
37:27Can I, at this present moment in time, just put it out there that no one's going to use the
37:33bread?
37:34Who's using bread?
37:36I'm riding the begay.
37:38Where's bread going to get you?
37:39You think I'm a fool, but I'm smart.
37:42In fact, if someone does choose bread, in my next task, I will do the whole thing in falsetto.
37:50I'm a genius.
37:51I guarantee no one uses bread.
37:53Bam.
37:55Me and my begay.
37:57I'm seeing a pogo stick.
37:59Do you know the last time I jumped on a pogo stick?
38:01No.
38:02Can't remember when.
38:03Oh.
38:03So that's going to be dangerous and fun.
38:07Begay.
38:08I choose pogo stick.
38:10Me and you are going all the way, begay.
38:12Okay.
38:14Fudge, why are you breaking on me?
38:16I didn't think this through, begay.
38:19How do pogo sticks work?
38:24What?
38:26I'm pogoing.
38:28I'm pogoing.
38:31Did I get to the pond?
38:33Not quite.
38:36Taskmaster Taxi.
38:38Service ride.
38:38This voucher entitles you to one free taxi ride from Tom.
38:43Where do you want to go?
38:45Out of the property as far as possible, please.
38:47Yay!
38:51Yeehaw.
38:51I win!
38:53You happy with this?
38:54Yes, I win!
38:56I stand by my call.
38:58You're dead to me, bread.
38:59You're fine.
39:00You're fine.
39:00Oh, thank you.
39:01Anything you'd like to say to the others?
39:03Losers!
39:04That's great.
39:05I killed that.
39:11What a contrast.
39:13I feel like, Anissa, that was a real emotional roller coaster.
39:16At first, you were, like, misidentifying the bread for ages.
39:20Then we thought you were a real idiot for trying to use it to get somewhere.
39:24And then things changed.
39:26You guys couldn't see it.
39:27None of you believed in me.
39:29I knew the begay was the way all along.
39:38Now, Rov, I think you did a really good job, too, of pretending you don't know how to ride a
39:43pogo stick, whereas I feel like that was right up your alley.
39:46I think it says something about Bret and I's personalities, when he's just, like, laser-focused on,
39:51I want to get in the van, and I'm like, I want to bounce on a pogo stick.
39:57Yeah, I was getting real circus skills vibes from you.
40:00Oh, my God, Tom, the agonising thought I had wrestling in my own mind, do I go with the pogo
40:05stick or the unicycle?
40:06What a conundrum.
40:07Now, Lester Tom, can you remind me what Rov said about that bread before the break?
40:12If someone uses bread, I will do the whole next task in falsetto.
40:16All right, so, uh, how far did they get, though?
40:19Rov travelled 8.2 metres.
40:21Anissa travelled 4.2 kilometres.
40:24Hey!
40:27Good day!
40:29So that means Rov gets one point, Celia gets two, Joel gets three, Brett gets four, but Anissa wins the
40:34task with five points.
40:39OK, so, what does that do to the scores for the episode?
40:42Well, it changes them.
40:44All right, uh, let's go to an ad break.
40:47What a cliffhanger!
40:49So, Brett and Joel are in last place on ten points, Celia has 11, Rov has 13, but in the
40:54lead, it's Anissa with 16 points!
40:58OK, well, enough maths and numbers.
41:01Get out of here, everyone.
41:02Go and do a live task for me.
41:04Off you go.
41:04CHEERING
41:08OK, Cashman, before we get into this next task, let's just remember that Rov clearly said that if anyone used
41:14bread, uh, he would do the next task in falsetto.
41:19OK, who's going to read the task?
41:21Oh, that will be Joel.
41:22Oh, well done, Joel!
41:25Is that what falsetto is?
41:26It sounds like a jockey to me, but...
41:31Paint your face in a silly way, then share a serious story.
41:40There's more.
41:42Biggest disparity between silly face and serious story wins.
41:46You have two minutes to paint your face, then 20 seconds each to share a story.
41:51Your time starts now.
41:52Oh, boy!
42:02Why are you painting other parts of your body, Joel?
42:05I'm getting to my face!
42:09I think you've inspired Celia.
42:11Yeah, did you do a copy?
42:13Oh, piss off, Celia.
42:15LAUGHTER
42:18One minute left.
42:19This is like an art attack.
42:20Is it?
42:22Oh, then Joel's going to crush this!
42:26I don't think so.
42:28I'm going to go back to my tits.
42:30I'm going to go back to my tits!
42:32The tits are irrelevant.
42:34You're irrelevant!
42:35Tits are never irrelevant!
42:36How dare you!
42:38Ten seconds.
42:41Paintbrushes down, everybody!
42:44Paintbrushes down!
42:49Aneesa, you will be our first storyteller.
42:52Oh, no.
42:53Oh, no, she's gone whiteface!
42:56LAUGHTER
42:58I'd like to tell a story about the time that I went to a Pauline Hanson rally
43:05and asked her to marry me.
43:07LAUGHTER
43:10And...
43:11she said no.
43:14LAUGHTER
43:14Which, um...
43:16would have made everyone pretty happy
43:18because she was sticking to her guns.
43:21LAUGHTER
43:23Thank you, Aneesa.
43:26Brett Blake, please step up and tell a serious story.
43:29All right, serious story.
43:31Oh, um...
43:33I've done acting before.
43:34Oh, have you?
43:37LAUGHTER
43:38I'll do better than that.
43:40Um...
43:41Uh, one of the hardest gigs I ever did was about 12 years ago.
43:45Um...
43:46LAUGHTER
43:46LAUGHTER
43:47I didn't even get to talk about my granddad going,
43:50you f***ing arsehole!
43:51Now I've just got dicks and s*** on my face on TV for no f***ing reason!
43:57Celia, please step up and tell a serious story.
43:59Agree.
43:59OK, when my friend Kelly and I, um, had to agree to put down our dog,
44:04Deidre Chambers, um, the vet went...
44:07I made a face and we went, what?
44:08And she said, oh, I'm just looking at the monitor.
44:10Her heart beats faster when she hears you talking to her.
44:14LAUGHTER
44:17LAUGHTER
44:20APPLAUSE
44:20That was tough.
44:23What?
44:24OK, well, uh, we're going to be back soon
44:26with two more silly faces and hopefully some very serious stories after this.
44:30APPLAUSE
44:35APPLAUSE
44:37APPLAUSE
44:40APPLAUSE
44:40APPLAUSE
44:41Welcome back to Taskmaster.
44:43We're about to hear some more serious stories
44:45by people who look like they've been vandalised by drunk toddlers.
44:49That's right, we've got two remaining contestants,
44:51two serious stories to hear from our silly-looking people.
44:53Joel Creasy, you are next.
44:54Thank you very much.
44:56Um, I have been dumped many times in my life,
45:00um, the most probably hardcore dumping,
45:02hence the incredible tears on my face,
45:04uh, well, when I took a man to see
45:07Have You Heard About the Morgans,
45:09a Sarah Jessica Parker vehicle,
45:11uh, that bombed at the box office
45:13and he said he was going to get a choc-top
45:14and never returned and left me...
45:17LAUGHTER
45:18..in the cinema on my...
45:19..but it was revenge, I hooked up with his brother!
45:22LAUGHTER
45:24APPLAUSE
45:25APPLAUSE
45:25APPLAUSE
45:26APPLAUSE
45:27Rose McManus, please step up.
45:29Oh, I feel I'm already at a disadvantage, but that's OK.
45:33The most humiliating day of my life
45:36was when I was on the school camp,
45:39first day of year 12,
45:41and my girlfriend dumped me.
45:43She told all my friends first before she told me,
45:46then she wrote it in a card that says,
45:49you're dropped, and it was Valentine's Day.
45:52LAUGHTER
45:55APPLAUSE
45:56APPLAUSE
45:58APPLAUSE
45:59All right.
46:00Well, thank you so much for bearing your souls.
46:02Get down here so we can allocate some points.
46:05APPLAUSE
46:10OK, well, I've got to give out some scores.
46:12I'm thinking when it comes to the faces and the silliness,
46:14they're all equally silly.
46:16Compared to the stories, the stories were all over the shop.
46:18So I'm going to give one point to Brett
46:20because he didn't really get his story out.
46:22And I'm going to give two points to Joel
46:23because it sounded like a serious story,
46:25but then at the end it got quite silly.
46:27I read the task, though.
46:28I should get an extra point for that.
46:30I'm not giving out points for comprehension.
46:34I'm going to give three points to Anissa.
46:36It was quite a silly story.
46:38I suspect it never happened.
46:39But I'm going to give four points to Rove.
46:40He was up against it, he had a silly voice,
46:42which distracted me from the story a little bit,
46:44but it was very serious.
46:46But I'm going to give five points to Celia
46:48for dropping some dark shit
46:50after putting on some weird make-up.
46:53APPLAUSE
46:55I'll tell you what,
46:57that five points really makes killing my dog worth it.
47:00LAUGHTER
47:03All right, Mr Numbers,
47:04what does that mean for our overall episode score?
47:07Well, Brett is in fifth place with 11 points,
47:09but Anissa wins the episode with 19 points.
47:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:13All right, congrats, Anissa.
47:15Get up on stage to claim your five mouthfuls of prizes.
47:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:20Well, what have we learnt?
47:22Brett learnt that a stunt coordinator
47:24and a health and safety officer
47:26aren't the same thing.
47:28And we all learnt Rove can Austin Powers so hard
47:32he can break a caravan.
47:34One more congratulations to our episode winner, Anissa.
47:37Good night!
47:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:54Are we still on air?
47:57Might have lost my tiny mind.
48:00Take that, Year 8 English teacher!
48:03I did it!
48:05Joe, were you just repeating material?
48:08I learnt from the best.
48:10LAUGHTER
Comments