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Late Night with Seth Meyers - Season Episode 56 - Brett Goldstein, David Sedaris
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00:24To be continued...
00:30We hope you're doing well.
00:32And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.
00:35The White House released a three-page memo on Friday
00:38summarizing the results of President Trump's semi-annual physical.
00:42And while he's experiencing some mild nausea and loss of appetite,
00:47the doctor is expected to make a full recovery.
00:51President Trump bragged yesterday that he aced a cognitive check
00:55during his recent physical.
00:57Okay, for the last time, those aren't given a letter grade.
01:02If you saw an A, it was probably hepatitis.
01:07That's right.
01:08President Trump bragged that he aced a cognitive check
01:11during his recent physical and said, quote,
01:13In fact, this is my fourth such test.
01:16All perfect.
01:17If you're so good at them, why do they keep giving them to you?
01:22They don't give you four colonoscopies if you're pooping normal.
01:28That's right.
01:28President Trump bragged that he aced a recent cognitive test and said,
01:31quote, 120 correct answers out of 120 questions asked.
01:34I don't know how often I have to say it.
01:36It's bad when they keep making you take the test.
01:40When they keep making the quarterback retake his math exam
01:43in hopes of getting him eligible to play Saturday.
01:46That kid don't know math.
01:50In a new interview with Fox News,
01:52President Trump demanded that the Strait of Hormuz be opened,
01:55but added, quote,
01:58In case anyone was looking for a new slogan for Pride Month.
02:05Treasury Secretary Scott Besant.
02:09Scott Besant said last week that his department
02:12had designed a new $250 bill with President Trump's image.
02:16And not for nothing, but that's the best picture you could get?
02:21I would think for $250, he could get a decent haircut.
02:26President Trump criticized musicians of the weekend
02:28for dropping out of a concert series
02:31to celebrate the country's $250 birthday.
02:33And do you know how unpopular you have to be
02:35for Milli Vanilli to back out?
02:38I'm pretty sure I could get them for my birthday.
02:41They were famous for a year in the 90s,
02:44don't actually sing, and one of them's dead.
02:48Donald Trump Jr. recently married his fiancée, Bettina Anderson.
02:52Don can't wait for the honeymoon,
02:54and Bettina can't be forced to testify against him.
03:01That's about right.
03:04After getting married last month in the Bahamas
03:06in a small private ceremony,
03:08Donald Trump Jr. and Bettina Anderson
03:09are reportedly planning a larger celebration
03:11for later this year.
03:12Man, how many weddings are you going to make this guy avoid?
03:17And finally, in a recent post on ex-U.S. ambassador to Greece,
03:22Kimberly Guilfoyle celebrated a new McDonald's location
03:25in Athens and called it a, quote,
03:28the most technologically advanced McDonald's
03:31in all of Europe,
03:32which just means the ice cream machine works.
03:36That was the monologue, everybody.
03:38Look at us.
03:38We're back.
03:39That's our hiatus.
03:40We've got a great show for you tonight.
03:42He's a multi-talented actor and writer.
03:45You know him from Ted Lassa.
03:46You know him from Shrinking.
03:47He co-wrote and stars in the new movie Office Romance,
03:51which premieres June 5th on Netflix.
03:53Brett Goldstein is here, everybody!
03:58He is a New York Times best-selling author.
04:02His new book,
04:02The Land and Its People, is available now.
04:04Our friend David Sedaris is back on the show.
04:09Before we get to all that,
04:11well, we're back from a two-week break,
04:13and once again, the news has been very chill.
04:16We asked our crack team of researchers
04:18to spend the entire two weeks scouring
04:20every newspaper in the country,
04:22and it turns out nothing's happening.
04:24It brings us to our recurring news segment,
04:27Everything's Great.
04:29Nothing bad can happen.
04:31It can only good happen.
04:34That's right.
04:35It's been a relaxing and normal two weeks,
04:37and nothing is real.
04:38Sorry, what's that?
04:40Iran suspended peace talks with the U.S.
04:42Iran and the U.S. exchanged more fire.
04:44The Strait of Hormuz is still closed.
04:45The president claimed he was near a deal with Iran
04:48for the 37th time and told everybody to sit back and relax.
04:50All right, well, yeah, that's fine.
04:51That's just the Middle East.
04:52What's that?
04:53A judge said the president can't put his name
04:54on the Kennedy Center?
04:55The president set up a $1.8 billion slush fund
04:58for criminals who stormed the Capitol
04:59to overturn the results of an election
05:01after he sued his own administration
05:03for something that happened while he was president?
05:05Oh.
05:06What?
05:06The secretary of health and human services
05:08wrestled a bunch of snakes like a zombie Jack Hanna?
05:11The GOP called the Democratic nominee for Senate
05:14in Texas a transgender vegan,
05:15even though both are not true.
05:16Pam Bondi refused to answer questions from Congress
05:20about Donald Trump's name appearing in the Epstein podcast.
05:22The FBI director went on a VIP snorkel event
05:24at a Pearl Harbor Memorial,
05:25which makes sense because his face always looks like
05:27it just ran out of air.
05:29The president bragged about taking his fourth cognitive test,
05:32which just made everyone wonder
05:33why his doctors keep making him take cognitive tests.
05:35He skipped his own son's wedding
05:37because he said he was busy with circumstances
05:39pertaining to government,
05:41but is also planning on attending the NBA finals
05:44despite the fact that he's been booed
05:45at almost every sporting event he's ever...
05:47What?
05:47Trump wants to cancel his Freedom 250 concerts
05:50because artists keep pulling out the real Milli Vanilli.
05:53Said they won't show up, but the fake Milli Vanilli?
05:55Is it he's turning the White House into a rubble pile
05:58and fighting-themed amusement park?
06:00He's putting his face on a new $250 bill,
06:03which will only be used by mobsters and drug dealers?
06:05He made 3,700 stock trades,
06:07including companies he's publicly promoted
06:09and gave a no-bid contract
06:10to change the color of the Lincoln reflect.
06:12He has White House intervened
06:14to get a Pentagon deal
06:15for a company connected to his own...
06:17He posted a meme
06:19of his face on Mount Rushmore
06:21where it looks like all the other presidents
06:22are trying not to make eye contact?
06:26Well, it.
06:33I mean, it turns out...
06:35It turns out a ton of stuff happened.
06:37I apologize for my initial bounce on it.
06:41For more on all this,
06:42it's time for a closer look.
06:47The president spent the weekend
06:49lashing out with more than 60 social media posts
06:52over the course of 14 hours,
06:53including attacks on judges,
06:55political rivals, and the Pope.
06:56But let's cut him some slack, okay?
06:58He's been under a lot of stress lately
07:00after a barrage of legal and political setbacks.
07:03Today, Iranian state media says that Tehran
07:05is suspending peace talks with the U.S.
07:07President Trump responded to the announcement
07:09telling NBC News that he thinks Iran going silent
07:12would be very good, adding,
07:14I think I can wait as long as they want.
07:16In the latest CBS News poll,
07:1866% say they disapproved of Trump's handling
07:20of the war in Iran.
07:22His overall approval ratings continue to slip,
07:24falling to an all-time low of 34%.
07:26President Trump's proposed $1.776 billion
07:30so-called anti-weaponization fund
07:33is running into trouble on multiple fronts,
07:36not only facing resistance
07:37from congressional Republicans,
07:39but now drawing legal scrutiny as well.
07:41A judge today temporarily halted work
07:43on the president's anti-weaponization fund.
07:46The order blocks the Trump administration
07:48from putting money into or moving money out of
07:51a nearly $1.8 billion account
07:53being set up by the DOJ with taxpayer dollars.
07:56A federal judge has just ruled
07:58that President Trump's name
07:59was illegally added to the Kennedy Center
08:01and ordered it removed.
08:02The judge saying Congress gave the Kennedy Center its name
08:05and only Congress can change it.
08:07The lead prosecutor on the case
08:08against former FBI Director James Comey
08:11has stepped away.
08:12This is over his seashell photo
08:14allegedly threatening President Trump.
08:16The growing number of artists
08:17listed as performers
08:18for President Trump's White House-backed celebration
08:21of the nation's 250th anniversary
08:23are now publicly denying involvement in the event.
08:26They include Morris Day and The Time,
08:28rapper Young MC, Jody Rocco of Milli Vanilli,
08:31country singer Martina McBride, and the Commodores.
08:33They've all either pulled out of the event
08:34or said they didn't know that they were involved
08:37in the first place.
08:38Imagine how badly things have to be going
08:40that the real Milli Vanilli publicly rejected you
08:44and it's not even in the top 10
08:45most embarrassing things to happen to you this week.
08:47Maybe Trump could sue his own government
08:49and set up a billion-dollar compensation fund
08:51for everyone who was defrauded
08:52by the fake Milli Vanilli,
08:54a.k.a. the Milli Vanilli-A-Billy fund.
08:56Can you imagine Trump asking Milli Vanilli
08:59to perform at his concert in the first place?
09:01A singer came up to me, big singer, strong singer.
09:04Tears pouring down from his eyes
09:07onto his lip-syncing mouth
09:08and he said to me, he said,
09:09Mr. Trump, sir, you are the Milli Vanilli of presidents.
09:13And I said, girl, you know it's true.
09:18So the president's under a lot of stress, you guys.
09:20He's under a lot of stress,
09:22everything from his negotiations with Iran
09:23to his Kennedy Center renaming
09:25to his ballroom renovations
09:26to his concert series featuring 80s novelty acts
09:29as falling apart.
09:30His approval ratings are at all-time lows
09:33because no one can afford food, housing, health care, or gas,
09:35not to mention it's almost summer,
09:37and I don't think his pool's going to be ready.
09:40What gives, Don?
09:42I thought we were going to go barbecue and go swimming.
09:44Yeah, my pool guy me, but...
09:47He me. He said to be done, and he me.
09:49But, you know, if you get hot, just run over there,
09:52and J.D. will spray you with a hose.
09:55But don't worry.
09:56Despite all the negatives,
09:57the Republican Party remains laser-focused
10:00on what matters most to working Americans,
10:02Joe Biden's brain bad,
10:04Trump's brain good.
10:05The left wants to see Trump's tax returns,
10:09his medical history,
10:11his golf handicap.
10:12They want to see cell phone records
10:14from House and Senate members.
10:16Republicans, that is.
10:18Not all of them, just Republicans,
10:19but not Biden's cognitive condition.
10:22President Trump, who is as sharp as could be,
10:24same age as Joe Biden,
10:26but his health is in great condition,
10:28and his mental acuity is as strong as ever
10:30versus Joe Biden,
10:31and they were treated differently because of that.
10:33When I saw this segment,
10:35I made the same face Joe Biden made in the debate.
10:42Also, it's not the flex you think it is
10:45to say his mental acuity is stronger than ever
10:47versus Joe Biden.
10:49Nobody is currently using Joe Biden
10:51as the high-water mark for mental acuity.
10:54Saying someone is sharp versus Joe Biden
10:56is like saying someone's good at breakdancing
10:58versus Ray Gunn.
11:01That can be true,
11:02and you can also still be bad at breakdancing.
11:05Also, you guys stop talking about Joe Biden.
11:07It's crazy to even hear his name in 2026.
11:09It's like hearing someone mention Boston Legal.
11:12But it's not just Fox News.
11:14With inflation soaring and the war spiraling
11:16and his poll numbers in free fall,
11:17the president has been obsessing more than usual
11:20in recent weeks over the condition of his brain.
11:23Over the weekend, he wrote,
11:24the results of my physical examination
11:26taken at Walter Reed Military Medical Center
11:28were just released, and extremely good,
11:30unlike other U.S. presidents,
11:32none of whom have ever taken
11:34an approved high-difficulty cognitive test.
11:36I scored a perfect 30 out of 30
11:38considered extreme intelligence.
11:41In fact, this is my fourth such test.
11:43All perfect, or 120 correct answers
11:46out of 120 questions.
11:47It is very rare that anyone gets a perfect score,
11:50especially when achieved four times in a row.
11:53A couple of things.
11:55First of all, it's a dementia test, not an IQ test.
11:57And as a general rule, if you took a dementia test
12:01and you thought it was an IQ test,
12:02you failed both the dementia test and the IQ test.
12:06Second, extreme intelligence is not a medical term.
12:09In general, doctors don't use extreme
12:11because they're doctors, not Mountain Dew cans.
12:15And lastly, while I get you think it's cool
12:17that you're four for four in dementia tests,
12:19it's not a good sign that they keep making you take them.
12:22That is a sign that the people who gave you the test
12:25don't trust the results.
12:27You wouldn't feel good if the cops
12:28kept making you take the breathalyzer.
12:31Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.
12:32He's still zero.
12:33It's not...
12:34He was driving on the shoulder in a golf cart.
12:37Make him blow it again.
12:40This is the fundamental problem
12:41Trump has faced his whole life.
12:43He brags about stuff that you wouldn't have to brag about
12:46if the thing you were bragging about was actually true.
12:48You wouldn't have to constantly insist to people
12:50that you're a big-brained genius if you were actually a genius.
12:53You wouldn't have to brag about solving eight wars
12:55if you actually stopped eight real wars.
12:57And you wouldn't have to brag about creating an awesome economy
13:00if the economy was actually awesome.
13:01If everyone was walking around with affordable healthcare,
13:04cheap groceries, and $2 gas,
13:06you could just sit back and spend the day
13:07picking drapes from your ballroom
13:09and reapplying concealer to your up Frankenstein hand.
13:13And no one would give a...
13:14And also, before you run to the comment section,
13:17I'm never going to say
13:18that Trump has a Frankenstein's monster's hand.
13:22I'm never going to do that.
13:25If you want to leave that comment in the comment section,
13:29leave that comment.
13:30But I'm never going to do that.
13:34But you know what? Fine.
13:35Since this matters so much to the president,
13:37let's give him the benefit of the doubt.
13:39I mean, in fairness, could any mere mortal who wasn't
13:42a world historical genius wordsmith
13:45come up with a nickname for the Democratic Party
13:49as brilliant as this?
13:51A new name I came up with yesterday was a Democrat
13:53because I was talking about this guy.
13:56I think that could be a good one.
13:57You know, I've come up with some extraordinary names.
13:59That's why we call them the Democrats.
14:02We have a new name.
14:03They're Democrats because they're dumb.
14:04The Democrats voted against all of that,
14:07but we call them Democrats.
14:09And it works out well because I take the word dumb,
14:11take the B off, because most people don't know that,
14:13you know, dumb ends with a B, but most people don't know.
14:16And all I do is I switch the E with a U,
14:18and you have a Democrat.
14:20Hey, bud, you want to pop over here
14:22for a fifth cognitive test?
14:26We think you might ace it again, five for five.
14:29You'd be the first guy who ever went five for five.
14:32But thank you so much for talking it through with us
14:35step by step.
14:37I haven't been this riveted by an explanation
14:40since my Aunt Jean talked up her
14:42I'm making a feline toward perfection T-shirt.
14:46They replaced beeline with feline.
14:49Not a lot of people know that's another way to say cat.
14:53Then you may or may not have noticed
14:55they fiddled with the spelling of perfection.
14:58Aunt Jean, Aunt Jean, Aunt Jean, shut the up.
15:03Also, the best part about this is how
15:05it's an inadvertent burn on everyone in Trump's orbit.
15:08Not only is Trump admitting that he didn't know
15:09how to spell the word dumb,
15:11he's also implying it was news to everyone around him as well.
15:15I was talking to Margo and JD, and I told them,
15:17gentlemen, prepare to have your mind blown.
15:19Dumb ends with a B.
15:21You should have seen their faces.
15:22It was like they were both thinking,
15:24dear God, what have I done with my life?
15:27This isn't even the first time Trump has claimed
15:29that he just noticed the spelling of a one-syllable word
15:32and thought his observation
15:33made him a generational intellect.
15:37Drug traffic coming into our country is way down.
15:39And by sea, by sea, by ocean, by the water, you know?
15:45A lot of people say, what do you mean by sea?
15:47Is it sea like vision?
15:48No, it's the SEA.
15:50But it's down 97%.
15:53You know how you spell us, right?
15:56You spell us, U-S.
16:00I just picked that up.
16:01Has anyone ever thought of that?
16:02I just picked that up.
16:21If you just learned that C is spelled S-E-A,
16:26and that us is spelled U-S,
16:29then you are dumb, spelled D-U-M.
16:33You don't even deserve the B!
16:37In some ways, I have to admit, I'm envious of Trump.
16:39I wish I could be as confident about anything
16:42as Trump is about spelling one-syllable words.
16:45Can you imagine this dude in a spelling bee?
17:04The president is using his office to enrich himself and his family,
17:08put his face on monuments and money,
17:10and set up a slush fund for his criminal supporters,
17:13all while waging a disastrous war
17:15that has made life harder and more expensive
17:16for working Americans.
17:18There are lots of words you could use to describe it.
17:21Corrupt, incompetent, amoral.
17:23But at the end of the day,
17:24there's only one word that works best,
17:26and that's...
17:26The word dumb.
17:27That is the word,
17:30and this has been A Closer Look.
17:35We'll be right back with Brett Goldstein, everybody!
17:43For more of Seth's Closer Looks,
17:44be sure to subscribe to Late Night on YouTube.
17:54Our first guest tonight is an Emmy Award-winning actor
17:57and writer you know from shows like Ted Lasso and Shrinking.
18:00He co-wrote and stars in the new movie Office Romance,
18:03which premieres on Netflix June 5th.
18:05Let's take a look.
18:14Good morning, you're in about a power.
18:17Good morning, Daniel.
18:19It's me, Jacqueline Cruz.
18:21Miss Cruz, of course, your name came up.
18:24Thank God nobody stole your phone.
18:29What can I do for you?
18:30Emergency board meeting about Peter Vance at 8 a.m.
18:32I need you there.
18:34Absolutely, I'll be there.
18:35Great, thank you.
18:37Okay.
18:40Bye.
18:41Bye.
18:43Bye.
18:47Bye-bye.
18:51Please welcome back to the show our friend Brett Goldstein, everybody!
19:11You know, I'm often, I've long been impressed by you, but this is, man, this is really something.
19:18Yeah, this one's big.
19:19You pulled it off.
19:20Because you're a really good writer, and you finally figured out the smart thing to do is, I'm going to
19:24write a rom-com where it's me and Jennifer Lopez.
19:28Yeah!
19:29Like, you did the thing that every writer dare not do, and you pulled it off.
19:34Yeah, and I thought everyone did this, but no one does, so when Jennifer Lopez gets it, you're the first.
19:43Yeah.
19:44It's a great plan.
19:45It's amazing.
19:46You pulled out, this is like better than whatever those Ocean Eleven jokers did.
19:51Nothing.
19:52This is a real heist.
19:53Yeah.
19:53This is the real, yeah.
19:54But you're a fan of rom-coms, and you wrote this with Joe Kelly, who's an old, dear friend of
20:00mine.
20:00And how did this idea occur to you?
20:02So, Joe Kelly, who is one of the co-creators on Ted Lasso, he and I, when we were making
20:07Ted Lasso Season 3, we were at Manchester City.
20:10Yeah.
20:10Filming there, and on the train back to London, we were like, what should we do next?
20:13And we both love rom-coms, and we were like, let's do an old-school rom-com.
20:17And we were like, who's the best person to do a rom-com with?
20:19And we both were like, J-Lo, obviously.
20:21And then we were like, all right.
20:23And then we came up with this idea on the train, and then we sent it to her with a
20:27note that said,
20:28we wrote this for you, you're at the top of our list, there's one name on this list.
20:33If you say no, we're not going to make it.
20:35Also, I'll kill you.
20:38And she, you know, a little encouragement with a little death threat.
20:42It works.
20:42That's fantastic.
20:44You play a lawyer.
20:45She plays the CEO of an airline.
20:47Yes.
20:47This is also a novel role for her in a rom-com.
20:51Yeah, because we will, if you've seen all her rom-coms, which I have,
20:57she's always like low status and aspiring to something and sort of on the outskirts of things.
21:02And we wanted to do like a more grown-up one that I hadn't seen her do before.
21:06So she's the CEO in this one.
21:08Like, she has it all.
21:09And she's very good at her job.
21:11It was like a love letter to workaholics.
21:13That was what it was.
21:14It's really, it is nice.
21:15Also, you mentioned you've seen all her films.
21:18Yeah.
21:18It turns out you're a huge fan of hers, and you've said it a lot on camera.
21:23I didn't realize how often I thought once on my podcast, I might have mentioned that I thought she was
21:31good.
21:32And then when we were making this film, every week, a producer would come out.
21:36We'd be talking, and someone would go, oh, they found another one.
21:39And there's like me on a red carpet going, isn't Jay, like, brilliant?
21:44And I was like, shut up.
21:46I'm trying to be cool.
21:47Do you think at some point she, when all this, like, footage of you, like, kind of being obsessed with
21:51her came out, she regretted...
21:53Obsessed is a strong word.
21:55No, I think it's the word you would use to describe the behavior.
21:58Oh, respectful.
21:59That's interesting.
22:02You've established, long established yourself as both a really intelligent writer, but you also have a very raunchy sense of
22:07humor.
22:08Were there scenes in this film that, in the first draft, were too hot for the final product?
22:15Well, you know I love, you know, I love this.
22:19You of all people.
22:20I know more than anyone.
22:22No, I love the C word.
22:24And I love it so much, and I maybe love it the most when you say it, and I give
22:27you permission to say it once time right now.
22:30Oh, I'm going to, I'm going to hold on to it and use it.
22:33Yeah.
22:34I'll use it.
22:35If I get one, I'm using it.
22:36Yeah, yeah.
22:36Don't waste it now.
22:37We're going to be here for two segments, but at some point.
22:40So, in the original script, there's a long section.
22:43Not long, not an hour of the film.
22:45There's a bit about the C word and how Americans don't love it.
22:50And we put, it was in the first draft, and Jennifer agreed to do the film.
22:53Then we did a big rewrite of the film.
22:55We sent it back to her, and we'd cut the C word stuff, because we thought, she's probably not going
22:58to like that.
22:59And the only note we got back from her was, where the stuff?
23:05There you go.
23:06Yeah.
23:07Save it.
23:08You've got to save it for a punchline.
23:09You've got to save it for a punchline.
23:10I've got a lot more to ask.
23:11We'll be right back with more from Brett Goldstein.
23:27Welcome back to Late Night.
23:28We're here with Brett Goldstein.
23:29I mean, I imagine, as a writer, with integrity, you're trying to write the best movie, and then, probably while
23:35you're writing it, you forget that you're going to actually have to do it at some point.
23:38Oh, yeah.
23:38Are there things you put in the movie, and then you're like, oh, right, I have to do it?
23:42There is a dance scene.
23:44And on the day of, I was like, oh, she's famously a very good dancer.
23:51Yeah.
23:52And so I was like, oh, and I made it.
23:55I was like, quick, quick, the character's really bad at dancing.
23:57Oh, you added a stage direction.
24:00Yeah, that's very, very wise.
24:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:02There's a scene on an airplane with some turbulence.
24:05Have you, is this something that has happened in your real life?
24:09I was once, I was once alone on a plane.
24:12There were other people on the plane.
24:13Yeah.
24:13I was not, I was not with it.
24:15That would have been mad.
24:15Yeah, immediately, no one had sympathy for you.
24:17They're like, you get what you deserve.
24:19Yeah.
24:20No pilot, just me sat in an empty plane.
24:23No, I was on a plane once.
24:24And I mean, I've been in turbulence, but this was so bad that the pilot, like, cut himself off halfway
24:31through the everything's okay.
24:32He sort of went, everything's okay.
24:33And then it cut off.
24:35And then I saw the air hostess lock herself in and pray.
24:39And I thought, that's bad when they're praying.
24:42Yeah, especially when they're praying and they know you can see them.
24:45Yeah, yeah.
24:46Yeah, didn't even go and hide and pray.
24:48Yeah.
24:49She was like, every man for themselves.
24:52And how are you in those moments?
24:54Well, honestly, what happened was, because there was a bit where it just sort of plummeted.
24:58It was probably five seconds, but it felt like a long time.
25:01Sure, that's a lot.
25:02And it just sort of proper noisy, everything's shaking.
25:06And I remember, like, for half of it being like,
25:10and then suddenly something changed in my brain.
25:12And I went, come on, then.
25:16And then it evened out.
25:18And I went, all right?
25:20Everyone all right?
25:20Yeah.
25:21Everybody in the flame is like, that's what it took.
25:25I want to congratulate you, even though it came at my personal expense.
25:30So, we each root for London football clubs.
25:34I'll say football since you're here, and I respect you.
25:36You're a Tottenham Hotspur fan.
25:38That's huge.
25:38Yeah, it's from love.
25:40I'm a West Ham fan.
25:42Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
25:42And it was crazy.
25:44We're too, we spent too much money to be in the position we were this year.
25:47But you stayed up just barely, and my team went down to the lower division.
25:51It was fully like a season finale of Ted Lasso for both of us.
25:54Yeah.
25:55I'm so sorry.
25:56Were you, was this something that brought you great discomfort over the last few months?
26:00Oh, it's been horrendous.
26:01Yeah.
26:02It's, it, it, being a football fan, especially for teams that we support.
26:08Yeah.
26:09It's a form of self-harm.
26:10Yeah.
26:10I don't know what, it's just painful.
26:13And then the, the, the way we felt when we didn't get relegated was like we'd won the World Cup.
26:21It was like, yeah, we're like, come on in.
26:25I will say, I've had an interesting relationship with, I mean, this is the, I think, the third time,
26:29if I'm right, since I've been a fan of West Ham's been relegated.
26:32And I'm just, I am at peace.
26:33I'm like, I need a year off.
26:35Like, I'm just like, you know what?
26:36This is great.
26:37This is, I'm going to reconnect with my family.
26:40I don't need this hanging over me every Saturday.
26:43Yeah.
26:44What about World Cup?
26:45Are you excited?
26:46Will you go to matches?
26:47Well, I'm filming, I'm filming something while the World Cup is on.
26:51And I've never asked before, but I have put in my rider that there'd be a monitor on set at
26:56all times playing the World Cup.
26:57So when you see this show, there might be takes where I go, and I really like, yes!
27:03It'll be like that.
27:04You also, it's in your rider, they also have to use the take.
27:07Yeah, of course.
27:08We talked, last time you were here, you got to interact with the Muppets and said it was the highlight
27:12of your life.
27:13Yeah.
27:14You did it again with the cast Shrinking, Jason Segel, of course, no stranger to Muppets.
27:18Yeah.
27:18And how was, was it, had the shine come off a little bit your second time?
27:23I was, it genuinely, first time I did Sesame Street was the best day of my life.
27:26And I was worried to go back.
27:28Yeah.
27:29But it was the best day of my life again.
27:31Really?
27:31Yeah.
27:32And I did it with Jason, who loves, loves it like I do.
27:35And me and Jason did a scene with Cookie Monster.
27:38And when we finished the scene, we were going to leave and they said, oh, would you mind hanging out
27:42a minute?
27:43We've got, just wanted you to say hello to your stand-ins.
27:45And they brought out Jason and Brett Muppets that they'd made.
27:50It was the best day of my life.
27:55Congratulations on that.
27:58Congrats on the film.
27:59It's so lovely to have you back.
28:01We're happy you're here.
28:02And good luck to England in the World Cup.
28:03Thanks, man.
28:04I appreciate it.
28:05Greg Wolstein, Office Romance, New Year's Game 5th on Netflix.
28:08We'll be right back with David Sedaris.
28:25Our next guest is a Grammy nominated in New York Times bestselling author.
28:30His new book, The Land and Its People, is available now.
28:33Please welcome back to the show our friend, David Sedaris.
28:51Hello, my friend.
28:52You always look so fashionable and also so comfortable.
28:57Well, you know, sometimes you go and you buy something and they say, it's unisex.
29:02This is not.
29:03It's just a ladies, a ladies skirt.
29:05Gotcha.
29:06And when you purchased it, were you very clear with them that you would be wearing it?
29:12Yeah, they know me.
29:14Yeah.
29:14You know, so they were...
29:15Do you go to a lot of different places or do you have, like, your places where you go?
29:19I have my places.
29:19But I'm open to other places as long as they have...
29:22I think of this as like a sports skirt because it's got that stuff that jerseys are made out of.
29:28So it seems like a manly skirt to me.
29:31Did you go in and say, I'm looking for something a little sportier?
29:34No, you know what?
29:35I realized, why do I always go to the men's department?
29:38Yeah.
29:38When I'm in a store, I'm thinking...
29:41So I just started exploring the women's department.
29:43That's fantastic.
29:44Well, we're all the luckier for it.
29:45It was a great decision.
29:46You've been on the road.
29:48You've been doing a book tour.
29:49And I feel like we were just, you know, the idea of, obviously, you speak a lot when you go
29:53places.
29:54But I feel like you also listen a lot to the people that come to see you.
29:58Have you heard anything recently from your fans that has resonated?
30:02I met a woman in New Orleans.
30:05And she took her 15-year-old son to the DMV to get his learner's permit.
30:10And the woman at the desk said, no, ma'am, you are not coming in here with those protruding nipples.
30:16What?
30:16And the woman said, I had a bra on?
30:19And I was so embarrassed.
30:21But her son needed his permit.
30:23So she went to a strip mall and bought a $6 t-shirt to put over her dress.
30:29But I said, if it were me, I would have said, I understand completely.
30:34Do you have a pair of scissors I could borrow?
30:37And I feel like I would have cut my nipples off and then said, now can I come in with
30:42my 15-year-old son?
30:43But I mentioned that on stage.
30:45And someone said, you know, your nipples are the only part of your body that completely regenerate.
30:50It's like a lizard's tail.
30:52Really?
30:52So I told the audience that, and an oncologist came up and said, no, they don't.
30:58I couldn't believe.
31:00I was encouraging people to do it just for fun.
31:02They'll be back in weeks.
31:04So you heard it from one source, and then you just started spreading that as gospel.
31:10Yeah, I did.
31:11By the way, embarrassing for that woman, I'm sure, to be told that her protruding nipples were a no-go
31:15at the DMV.
31:15But imagine how embarrassing for the 15-year-old.
31:18I know it.
31:18She said, I wanted to call Eyewitness News.
31:21Everyone should know about this.
31:22And it's true.
31:22Everyone should know.
31:23She said, I had a bra on and everything.
31:26It's not okay.
31:26No, it's not okay.
31:27Yeah.
31:28The Land and its People is a wonderful title for a book.
31:31Was it your first idea for the title of the book?
31:34No, I was at a museum in Scotland a number of years ago, and I saw a little jar, and
31:40it had a withered, you know, a label on it that was aged and spidery writing.
31:45And it said, the testicles of an old sparrow in winter.
31:48And so I thought that was going to be my book title.
31:51Yeah.
31:54But one of the big stores said, we will not carry your book if it has the word testicles in
31:59it.
31:59Really?
32:00But it's like ovaries.
32:01It's not a bad word.
32:02I mean, I can't believe it.
32:03You can't have nipples at the DMV.
32:06I know.
32:06You can't have testicles at the bookstore.
32:09But think of all the books with the word balls in the title.
32:12Yeah.
32:12They don't object to that.
32:13No.
32:14Testicles.
32:15Anyway, I was happy with this because I think it's ultimately a better title.
32:18And so now, do you, this cover is very evocative.
32:21Do you, is this something you request that you say?
32:24And I think for the cover of this book, it should be two people in a hole at the beach.
32:27No, I feel like, you know, with the designer who did it, I feel like you should treat them like
32:32an artist and let them do their thing.
32:34And this guy came up with that.
32:36And I loved it from the beginning.
32:38So this was not a photo you were aware of before it showed up on your book?
32:41Never knew it existed.
32:42But what I really like is the guy looks like he's trying to talk the young woman into something.
32:48And it's a sad picture.
32:50And the publisher said, it's depressing.
32:52And I said, yes.
32:53That's what I, uh, because, you know, if it's a funny book, often they want to give it a funny
32:58title.
32:58But it just does, I mean, a funny cover.
33:01But I'd rather have a depressing cover.
33:02And do you, have you thought, have you, have you thought about what he's trying to convince her to do?
33:07Group sex.
33:08Oh, interesting.
33:08I'm pretty sure.
33:10You will reveal in this book, your boyfriend, Hugh, who I, you know, in print, you often, you know, you
33:17only refer to as your boyfriend, Hugh, is actually your husband, Hugh.
33:21You break the news that you actually got married 10 years ago.
33:25Yeah.
33:26I wanted gay people to fight for the right to marry.
33:30And then I wanted not one of us to act on it.
33:33I wanted us to say, we spit on your marriage.
33:37But only when you could legally do it.
33:39Only when you could do it.
33:40Like, just basically, like, psych.
33:42That's what you wanted to say to everybody.
33:43Yeah.
33:44And I thought that would have been beautiful.
33:46But I don't, for some reason, like, if a woman says to me, this is my wife, I don't have
33:50a problem with it.
33:51But when a guy says, this is my husband, it's like, this is my, that's my unicycle, you know, or
33:57that's my rescue ferret.
34:00Like, I don't, I don't know, I can't explain it.
34:03But for a guy to say husband, I don't know, it just bothers me.
34:06So, but everyone assumed that he was my husband.
34:10So, everyone was saying it anyway.
34:12So, I thought, well, I might as well make money off of it.
34:15Yeah.
34:15I wrote something about it.
34:16Now, does Hugh, like, in a perfect world, would Hugh introduce you as his husband?
34:20Does he have any issue with the term husband?
34:22No.
34:23Okay.
34:23I met someone the other day, and he said, oh, this is who I sleep with.
34:29Yeah.
34:30And I, you could also say, this is who I'm married to.
34:32Yeah.
34:33But it prevents you from having to use the word husband.
34:36I mean, you don't mind wife.
34:37No.
34:38You don't mind saying wife.
34:39No, I love it.
34:40Yeah.
34:40Yeah.
34:41But, I mean, she'd be very angry if I called her my husband.
34:45So, I think there's, you, you also, you know, you speak, you're obviously an incredibly,
34:51you're lucky to be in a loving relationship with Hugh.
34:53But another word you don't care for, along with husband, soulmates.
34:57No.
34:58Yeah.
34:58Oh, I, or then, soulmate was replaced by person.
35:03Oh.
35:03That's my person.
35:04Oh, yeah.
35:04But if you think, okay, that's your person, there's one person, how many billion people
35:08on earth?
35:09Yeah.
35:10Nine billion people?
35:11Sure.
35:11Something like that?
35:12There's one person meant for you, and they live in your apartment complex.
35:16Yeah.
35:16What are the odds?
35:18That's what he's trying to convince her right now.
35:22He's like, I'm your, don't you get it?
35:23I'm your person.
35:26You had, the New York Times wrote about your apartment.
35:29They came and, you know, this is a, this is, some might think it feels invasive to like
35:35have them see your, your living area.
35:37Were you, were you hesitant to let them through your doors?
35:39I wasn't, but my, the person I'm married to, he did not want it.
35:46Okay.
35:46So they came and they photographed.
35:48Now, but he didn't want it.
35:49How do you convince him to, to open the door?
35:51I said, you know what?
35:51I have a book coming out and, and, and this is publicity for the book.
35:55And I can't believe that you would deny me, you know, I pulled up, I pulled it all out.
35:59You seem like a very hard person to be married to.
36:02But they, they did it for somebody else's apartment.
36:06Okay.
36:07Like a couple of weeks ago.
36:08And she, she's an actress and she bought a house on an island off South Carolina.
36:13And she had a tabletop with like 10 shells on it.
36:17Shells, right?
36:17And people wrote in, how dare you need to educate yourself and those shells break down
36:23into sand and we need sand now more than ever.
36:26As if she was denying the world supply of sand with 10 shells.
36:32She said, oh, I tore out an ugly built-in desk.
36:35Well, I wish I was so privileged I could tear out things that were ugly.
36:39I don't even have a door.
36:40You know, it's that kind of a thing.
36:42People, and I don't read the comments, you know, from my own thing, but I just feel
36:47them, like, we had an attic that was full of bees one time.
36:51You could just hear the bees up there.
36:53And that's how I, because this is bad.
36:56This is bad.
36:58Yeah.
36:59Were you worried in the comments to be like,
37:00I'd love to have an attic full of bees.
37:03You don't know how lucky you are.
37:05I got to go to the store for my honey.
37:08Well, the headline was he needed a second apartment
37:12for his second Picasso.
37:14So, and I do, but the first one.
37:18The first one's very small.
37:21The first Picasso or the first apartment?
37:24The first Picasso is very small.
37:27You use Duolingo for the purposes of, you're trying to become.
37:33I try to be better myself.
37:34Better yourself.
37:34And how many languages do you work on?
37:37Do you just get.
37:37Four.
37:37Okay, four.
37:39And do you enjoy, where do you test out your new, you know.
37:44They have this new, is Duolingo Max.
37:46So you have these AI conversations with this entity.
37:50But the entity, she's like the most sour person
37:53on the whole program.
37:53And this is on their app.
37:55They have like a sour person to practice with.
37:57A sour teenage girl who just stays in her bedroom
38:00and doesn't ever want.
38:00If she says, what kind of sandwich do you want?
38:02And you say, I want a turkey sandwich.
38:03Well, that's original.
38:05And then.
38:06But this isn't a foreign language you're doing?
38:09But then I told her, like, I have an idea
38:11for a production of Romeo and Juliet.
38:14And Juliet's 13 and Romeo is 79.
38:17Yeah.
38:17And she hung up on me when I told her that.
38:20And then she hung up on me recently.
38:22This is, the chat bot is just hanging up on you.
38:25Yeah.
38:25She said, what'd you do last week?
38:27And I said, I married your mother.
38:29I said, so now I'm your father.
38:31And she hung up on me then, too.
38:35Like, it would be different if you were talking dirty.
38:37But I never do that.
38:38No.
38:39But sometimes she just draws a line.
38:41That's really.
38:42That's a, I mean, the idea that an AI chat bot
38:45is like not today.
38:47Yeah.
38:47What else do they have to do, you know?
38:49I know it.
38:50I know it.
38:51You have said, or maybe I've read you say,
38:55that you think prison would be a great place
38:56to sort of become bilingual, to like learn another.
38:59It would be the perfect place to learn another language.
39:01I met a guy a couple weeks ago
39:03who was in Japanese prison for four years.
39:06I was so jealous.
39:07Yeah.
39:07Did he, is he fluent in?
39:09He's fluent in Japanese.
39:10But it's all, you know, it's kind of like slang Japanese.
39:14Right.
39:15Like, so he couldn't talk to like a high class person.
39:18But he could talk to other prisoners.
39:21That's all I want to be able to do,
39:22is just talk to other prisoners.
39:25So how long, though, perfect world,
39:27how long are you in prison?
39:28Because you don't want to be there like for the rest of your life
39:30because the purpose is you want to come out and be able to.
39:32So how long, what do you think is the right amount of sentence?
39:34I think four years is the perfect amount of time.
39:36Four years in jail and you want to come out
39:38just speaking the one language
39:39or are you going to bring Duolingo with you
39:41and try to come out like with like four?
39:42You could, I think you could learn two languages
39:44in four years in prison.
39:45Well, that's something to aim for.
39:49It's so lovely to see you.
39:50Thanks for being here, David.
39:50Oh, thanks so much for having me.
39:51David Saliris, The Land of His People is available now.
40:07Come join the audience at Late Night live in Studio 8G.
40:11For tickets, head over to LateNightSethTickets.com.
40:13Follow us at Late Night Seth on all social media platforms.
40:17Subscribe to Late Night Seth on YouTube.
40:19Find us online at LateNightSeth.com.
40:22And subscribe to the Late Night podcast
40:24featuring a closer look, guest interviews and more.
40:27Available wherever you listen to podcasts.
40:37I want to thank my guests, Brad Goldstein and David Saliris.
40:40Thank you all for watching.
40:41We love you, everybody.
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