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00:00This Thursday was mental.
00:02Thursday night in Babylon used to be 70s night, but they changed it.
00:06Thursday night is 90s night, which makes you feel ancient, thanks very much.
00:11I spent all night chasing after some bloke who turns out to be mad.
00:15Like, really mad.
00:17He had every episode of Juliet Bravo on tape.
00:22So, it's getting late, lights on.
00:26I haven't cocked on. Phil's not cocked on.
00:29Stuart?
00:31Stuart's cocked off.
00:34Oi! Vince!
00:37Wait there. Don't move.
00:43Where are you going?
00:44You've cocked off.
00:45Come on, I'm just getting his telephone number, that's all.
00:47What do you do? Swallow it.
00:49It'll be ten minutes. Wait for me, wait for the chief.
00:51You've got to get me home, wait for me!
00:53So, he brings the car, gives you the keys so you can't drink,
00:57then he buggers off. Nice system.
00:59I'll give him ten minutes. I don't mind.
01:01He's still looking.
01:02He is not.
01:03He is so.
01:04It's all muscles. I don't cop off with muscles.
01:07I mean, what happens? He takes his kit off, Marky Mark.
01:11I take mine off, Norman Wisdom.
01:12I had a bloke with muscles once. Fabulous.
01:15I've been let loose on a bouncy castle.
01:18He's still looking.
01:19Shut it! Shut it!
01:21That's all gone, man!
01:22Shut it!
01:23Now, sometimes, you're halfway through a shack,
01:26and you just get bored of him.
01:27So you wank him off in a doorway and move straight on.
01:30Because you keep on looking.
01:32That's why you keep going out.
01:33There's always some new bloke, some better bloke,
01:36just waiting round the corner.
01:37And that was the night he came along.
01:40The one night stand that never went away.
01:54Excuse me. I mean, I'm just looking, but I don't...
01:56I mean, what's the best place to go?
01:57Depends on what you're after.
01:59If you want bastards, you go in there.
02:02And if you want wankers, go in there.
02:04And if you want selfish little minting,
02:06pitch-tight dickheads,
02:08then pick a building.
02:09Any building, it's full of them.
02:11Oh, Bernie!
02:12Don't be sick, Dad!
02:13Don't listen to her!
02:15It's just a teaser!
02:17She's over there, she's been drinking!
02:21Bernie!
02:28The FARA!
02:31The FARA!
02:31This is not me that we have to do.
02:37It was a great year.
02:40The FARA!
02:45The FARA!
02:48The Melanie!
02:49The FARA!
02:49The FARA!
02:49The FARA!
02:49The FARA!
02:50The FARA!
02:50The FARA!
02:52The FARA!
03:13First time I copped off, I was in school.
03:16Mr. Daniels, P.E.
03:19I'm standing there.
03:20We're chatting away at your football or something,
03:21and he's getting his gear off.
03:23Big hairy bloke. Nice.
03:25So I keep talking.
03:27We're in his office.
03:28He's got this cubicle, like his own private shower.
03:32Next thing, he's stark bollock naked.
03:35Fantastic.
03:36I'm still talking about, like, a twat.
03:38And he gets in the shower, pulls the curtain, half pulls it.
03:42Now, I'm 12 years old.
03:44I'm thinking, hi, hi.
03:46So I got in the shower with all my clothes on.
03:50I did.
03:54I must have been scared to death.
03:57But I don't remember being scared.
04:01Had a good night.
04:04Yeah.
04:07I'm Stuart.
04:16I'm Stuart.
04:19I was 15.
04:21I did it the first time I went out.
04:23I'm quite proud of that.
04:25I'm dead proud of that.
04:26My first time out.
04:29Stuart Alan Jones.
04:31He's looking down at me.
04:33Like the face of God.
04:37Okay.
04:49Bastard.
04:54Oh, leave me alone.
04:55Sod off back to the gym.
05:25Nice kitchen.
05:29It's great.
05:30It's really nice.
05:31I never cook.
05:32Takeaways.
05:33That's me.
05:42I'm always eating takeaways.
05:44Pizza.
05:51Mind you.
05:53I've got to be careful.
05:54I can't eat anything.
05:55I've got this thing.
05:56It's called, like, anaphylactic shock.
05:58Your throat swells up and everything.
06:00A packet of peanuts could kill me.
06:01Staying out here or what?
06:04We had this barbecue last summer.
06:08Let's go.
06:09Yeah.
06:13Yeah.
06:21Yeah.
06:26So.
06:47Oh, what is he like?
06:49Go away.
07:01Nice car.
07:02Yeah, it's not mine.
07:04This where you live?
07:05Yeah.
07:06Look, it's nice to meet you, but the thing is, I'm up early working tomorrow, and I was
07:10up early this morning, and I'm working shifts, and I'm really tired.
07:14Are we shagging or what?
07:15It's pissing down.
07:28God, you've got everything.
07:30Manga.
07:30Me dabs into manga.
07:33You got any form?
07:34One or two.
07:35Yeah.
07:36Anything good?
07:38American stuff.
07:41I've got some caddy now.
07:44It's much better.
07:45It's actually got a plot.
07:47This one's good.
07:49Service active.
07:50I've been trying to find service active there, but apparently it's been deleted.
07:54I can't...
07:57Shall I put it on?
07:58Well, I haven't got time, really.
07:59Can we just get on with it?
08:02I'm sorry, but it's nearly three o'clock.
08:04Fine.
08:10I'd better just...
08:11Can't we just leave it?
08:12I've, um...
08:20Hello?
08:22Vince.
08:22Emergency.
08:23I need the car.
08:25It's happened.
08:26No.
08:28No!
08:29When?
08:30Hours ago.
08:31I can't believe it.
08:31My mobile was off.
08:33Who phoned you?
08:33Lisa?
08:34What happened?
08:35Who was there?
08:36No.
08:36There was no one there.
08:37Just those women.
08:39God.
08:43Oh.
08:43Oh.
08:44My.
08:44God.
08:50Oh.
08:51My.
08:52God.
08:52God.
08:54Look.
08:55I really can't stay long.
08:57Who's that?
08:58You've got someone there.
08:59Er.
09:00No.
09:01Really.
09:01It's fine.
09:02Forget the car.
09:03I'll get a taxi.
09:04Vince, you've copped off.
09:05That's a first.
09:06No.
09:07Really.
09:08Really, I haven't.
09:11I'll get a car.
09:12Don't you dare.
09:13I'll get a car.
09:14Shag him blind.
09:15Kick him out.
09:16I'll see you there.
09:17No.
09:18Really.
09:19Really, I...
09:24It's my friend.
09:25It's his mother.
09:26She's in hospital.
09:27I think it's serious.
09:29I'll have to go.
09:30Well, that's a pity.
09:31I was really looking forward to that.
09:33Me too.
09:35I'll phone you a taxi.
09:37What's happened?
09:38Everything.
09:40I'll have to go anyway.
09:42I've got college.
09:46College.
09:47Or school.
09:49Sixth form college.
09:53How old are you?
09:5418.
09:55What year were you born?
09:571981.
09:58Bollocks.
09:59You had to think about it.
10:00No one has to think about what year they were born.
10:05How old are you?
10:0716.
10:13How old are you?
10:14Really.
10:1715.
10:17Anything.
10:28Did he look out?
10:29Yeah.
10:30Where have you been?!
10:30Come on!
10:32Oh you wanted to bring him didn't you...
10:35...
10:53Oh, my God.
10:57Oh, my God.
10:59Here he is.
11:01This is him.
11:04Hold his head.
11:06Careful.
11:09Started this morning.
11:10Ten o'clock tonight.
11:11There he was.
11:11I wanted to be there.
11:12I wanted to see it.
11:13No, you didn't.
11:14It was like a car crash down there.
11:16Oh, my God.
11:18He shaved head.
11:19He's ugly, aren't he?
11:20He doesn't look much like me.
11:22We weren't talking about names.
11:23We really weren't.
11:24Because that's up to you and Romy.
11:26But I just looked at him and said,
11:27Frederick?
11:28I quite like it.
11:29What, in an ironic sort of way?
11:31Yeah.
11:32That's not ironic enough.
11:33What about, um, Alfred?
11:35That way you still get the Fred bit.
11:36Vince, run a check on Alfred.
11:38Alf Roberts.
11:39Alfie.
11:39Michael Caine.
11:40Alf at American sitcom with a puppet.
11:42Bit dodgy.
11:43But that's forgotten by the time he's in school.
11:45Unless it's on cable.
11:46I bet they've got it on Bravo.
11:47Oh.
11:49Alfred's the name of Batman's butler.
11:52Marvellous.
11:53Good name.
11:53Alfred.
11:54What do you think?
11:57Great.
11:58He's mine.
12:00Aren't you going to introduce us?
12:02Uh, what's your name again?
12:04Nathan.
12:05Oh, you've met.
12:06Lisa, this is Nathan.
12:07Lisa was on the phone when Nathan shot his load all over me.
12:09Oh, for God's sake.
12:11Well, he did.
12:12He's 15, aren't you, Nate?
12:14So you both had a child on the same night?
12:16He's brought the trophy cabinet.
12:17He was there.
12:18The most important phone call of my life.
12:20And he was there.
12:21I couldn't just leave him.
12:22You wanted to come, didn't you, Nate?
12:23Yeah.
12:30Romy, what the fuck have we done?
12:34Fire.
12:41Yes.
12:43Yes.
12:44Yes.
12:45Take off your watch.
12:47Excuse me, please.
12:49No, it's a box.
12:52Yes.
12:53Yes.
12:54Yes.
12:54Yes.
12:55Are you good, Vince?
12:56You'll do good things.
12:57Could you tell if I had cancer?
12:59Why would you have cancer?
13:00I always think I've got cancer.
13:01Great.
13:02No, I shall love it.
13:02Yeah.
13:03Thanks.
13:03Bye.
13:04Bloody Ken.
13:05You're sending flowers.
13:05I should have got flowers.
13:07Nathan, get some flowers.
13:08Quick as you can.
13:10You can't use your mobile.
13:12You'll switch off the iron lungs.
13:14There's a thought.
13:14I should have a scar.
13:16You don't have to do what you send.
13:18I don't mind.
13:20I'll just get some.
14:03Blimey, a bit nippy.
14:05Look, you can see my mother's house from here.
14:11Come on, let's go back down.
14:22It's weird, isn't it?
14:25I mean, he's real.
14:28Just seeing him, it's like...
14:30I don't know what it's like.
14:32I mean, it's brilliant, but it's weird.
14:36Most expensive wank I've ever had.
14:43Oh, that's right. Top yourself.
14:46That's what they do in soaps.
14:48Birth and death in the same episode.
14:50Get down. You've got to be responsible now.
14:53Dad!
15:00That's it. Arms out.
15:02Titanic!
15:04King of the world!
15:06I'm always Kate Winslet.
15:07King of the world!
15:08King of the world!
15:29Congratulations.
15:38Oh my God, Vince, hard on.
15:42I have not.
15:44I didn't know you cared.
15:46No one's looking.
15:47Go on, get it out.
15:48Get it out.
15:48Fuck off.
15:50Six months since I've had a shack.
15:51It's like Pavlov's dogs.
15:53You sad bastard.
16:08Stuart.
16:09That's him.
16:10Listen, you're going home.
16:12You're going to sleep.
16:13Then you're getting up and you're going to work.
16:15Then you can work hard for the next 20 years.
16:18You've got a kid to look after now.
16:19Absolutely, I promise.
16:21Yes.
16:25Got one?
16:27It's all right.
16:28One for me.
16:34All right, Nathan, let's go.
16:36It's all getting a bit of lesbian in here.
16:37I want to have broken.
16:43He's a calendar, that kid.
16:45He's a clock.
16:46Great big stopwatch just staring me in the face, you know.
16:50Because he gets older, that's all he can do.
16:53Do you know what that means?
16:56I'm getting older.
16:59Mind you, they don't always live.
17:04Meningitis, that's a good one.
17:06Stuart, what have you taken?
17:09That's not E.
17:10You only took it five minutes ago.
17:12What is it?
17:13I don't know.
17:14It was expensive.
17:15You don't even know what you're taking, you twat.
17:31Shit, fuck.
17:35Look.
17:36Leave him alone.
17:37I'll take him home.
17:42I'm gonna fuck you.
17:43I'm gonna fuck you all night, yeah.
17:45Is that what you want?
17:46I'm taking him home.
17:52I'm going with him.
17:53Good boy.
17:54I'm gonna fuck you all day.
17:55Ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:56Ha, ha, ha.
18:00Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:22Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:41I bring Sutex's gift of death to all humanity.
19:15I bring Sutex's gift of death to all humanity.
19:24I bring Sutex's gift of death to all humanity.
19:54What happened to the car? Vince took it.
19:57Good. That means he's bringing it back.
19:58Can I have a shower?
19:59Hurry up, then.
20:03Oh, what is that?
20:05It's the Millennium Dome.
20:06You said you met that bloke in charge of it and you both ended up...
20:09That was an ecstasy. That fucking Anita. I know her.
20:11I bet you saw me dog rum and tablets again.
20:13Go on, then. Shower!
20:17I'm such a twat. I am such a twat.
20:38Now, Stuart, don't panic. It's Romy. I'm in hospital.
20:41The contractions have started. It's not a fossil...
20:43Fuck! I've got a baby!
20:51Why doesn't anyone stop me? It's not my fault.
20:56They should stop me.
21:04Hey.
21:18I could've gone to sea.
21:21He's here.
21:33Oh, excellent. Well done, Vince.
21:36Then don't give me the car.
21:37I've warned you before on that road.
21:39It was those kids from around the corner.
21:40Doesn't matter. Company car.
21:42Now, let's get our little lad to school.
21:53What's his name again?
21:58And I said no.
21:59He said no.
22:00And I said, he did.
22:01He's a liar, isn't he?
22:02You know what I mean?
22:13Pull in. He's going to school.
22:15Pull in here.
22:17I'll take him to the door.
22:18Stuart, they'll see the car.
22:44Is that your mom?
22:47First lesson, home economics.
22:50Fuck you, man.
22:51Fuck you, man.
22:57Can I see you again?
22:58Let's just go.
23:00Can I see you again?
23:01You can see me now.
23:03Nathan, where have you been?
23:04Piss off.
23:05Oh, now, your little friend.
23:08I could meet you tonight.
23:09God knows where I'll be tonight, you know?
23:10I could be anywhere.
23:11I could be an Ipswich.
23:12Come on, boys, give us a kiss.
23:13I'll give you a good fuck, you tight little virgin.
23:16You won't be laughing then.
23:17We're going now, Stuart, to shut your face and drive.
23:21Can I see you, though?
23:22Oh, you'll see me, all right.
23:24You can't miss me.
23:41Where's the vlog then, Maloney?
23:43Your boyfriend.
23:57I was just a shag.
23:58I knew that.
24:01I suppose I fell in love a bit, like you do.
24:04I thought, I'll never see him again.
24:07How was I to know?
24:10Stuart Alan Jones.
24:14Six months later, he was begging me to stay.
24:32He said he loved me.
24:34He said he loved me.
24:47Come on up.
24:48Come on up.
24:52You're friends with a cunt.
24:56Gotta get ready.
24:58Come on up.
25:01Come on up.