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00:04Where's the ball?
00:05No!
00:06No!
00:08No!
00:08No!
00:13I'm high going!
00:14No!
00:16Damn!
00:22Yes!
00:23You're a good boy!
00:24No baby chocolate, you!
00:28You're going to be like this today, are you?
00:38Hello and welcome to a brand new season of Taskmaster Australia.
00:43I'm Tom Gleeson and I'm back baby.
00:45I've spent the off-season honing my mental physique
00:48and mastering my ability to be exceedingly judgemental
00:51in a way that only 75% of people would agree with.
00:54Also, I can watch five comedians attempt to impress me
00:58and walk away with a magnificent prize so rare
01:01there's only four of them for sale on Gumtree.
01:05A golden replica of my lustrous head.
01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:12This week and every week we will be joined by...
01:16Anissa Nandela.
01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:18Brett Blake.
01:20Celia Pacoola.
01:21Joel Creasy.
01:23I'm so sorry.
01:23I'm so sorry.
01:24And Perth's very own, Rob McManus.
01:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:29The loyal side, the man who in the off-season
01:32somehow got his naughty bits stuck in the eye of a fidget spinner.
01:36It's Lesser Tom Cashman.
01:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:42It's not my fault, it was a design flaw.
01:45LAUGHTER
01:46All right, it's time for the prize task.
01:49That's right.
01:49Our first task is a prize task.
01:51Each of our contestants have brought in a prize.
01:52The best prize, as judged by the Taskmaster,
01:54will receive five points,
01:55second best four points and so on.
01:57And the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
02:00Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in
02:02what they consider to be the object most likely to satisfy
02:04the Taskmaster if he were to crush it in his hand.
02:08LAUGHTER
02:09All right, Anissa, what satisfyingly crushable object have you brought in?
02:13Well, I thought in this economy it's very difficult to maintain steady work,
02:18so I thought something that would satisfy you to crush
02:20would be the careers of your competitors.
02:24LAUGHTER
02:30I like where you're going, but I think at the moment
02:32they're crushing their own careers, aren't they?
02:35LAUGHTER
02:35Also, Roe, does it hurt you not to be up there?
02:37I'm excited!
02:39All right, Brett, what have you brought in?
02:40I know what your biggest beef is, and it's been, you know,
02:43all over the news and media, you have a big beef with Grant Denyer.
02:46So, I have got a mould of Grant Denyer's balls.
02:52LAUGHTER
02:55And the best part is, that's actually a mould of his balls.
03:00Check this out.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:07Wouldn't it be great just to put your hands down there,
03:09grab his balls and go, deal or no deal, Grant?
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13Yeah!
03:16Right, Celia, what have you got?
03:17I brought in something that is undeniably a pleasant thing
03:20for anybody to crush in their hand physically,
03:22and then I thought of something that you personally would like to crush.
03:25Yeah.
03:26A potato chip with Tom Cashman's dreams written on it.
03:30LAUGHTER
03:36Wouldn't that be nice?
03:37Yeah, crushing the Pringle on its own would be very satisfying,
03:39but knowing that it had Cashman's dreams in there.
03:42I'm like, that's never going to happen either.
03:44So we just crush it.
03:45But it's a slippery slope, though,
03:47because for me, once a pop, I can't stop.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:51LAUGHTER
03:51All right, Joel.
03:53Well, I was trying to impress the Taskmaster.
03:56We both clearly hate the sun,
03:58and so therefore hate sand,
04:00cos, you know, that gets in all the cracks
04:01and very hard to get out.
04:02And so I have built a sandcastle
04:05with the most crushable thing on it...
04:08Tom Cashman's face.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:13APPLAUSE
04:15Wow.
04:16That looks like the face I'd make
04:17when I find out I'm not getting a girlfriend.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:20Right, Rove, what did you bring in?
04:22I took something that I have myself
04:26that I love to crush on a regular basis.
04:28It's this piece of cheese that when you crush it,
04:33this happens, a little mouse comes out!
04:36LAUGHTER
04:38And it is thoroughly satisfying.
04:43The mouse is very cute, it's coming out of the cheese,
04:46but I grew up on a farm and we had a mouse plague
04:48and I'm traumatised by mice.
04:50So, one point to Rove.
04:51Then I'm going to...
04:52What else am I going to go for?
04:53I have a pretend feud with Denya
04:54and a pretend feud with Peter Hellyer.
04:56OK.
04:56They're actually good friends of mine.
04:58I'm going to give two points to Brett
05:00and three points to Anissa,
05:01but I have a genuine feud with you, you...
05:03..head.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06APPLAUSE
05:10So, I'm going to give Joel four points,
05:12but five points to Celia because, you know...
05:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:16Oh, my God.
05:17All right, that's enough piss-farting about.
05:20I'm ready for a first task.
05:21The first task for season five.
05:23You've got it.
05:24Call us Philosophy 101.
05:25We're about to prevent death with a trolley problem.
05:40Hello, Tom.
05:42Hello, Thomas.
05:43Hey.
05:44I like your place.
05:50Hi, Rose.
05:51Oh, hi, Tom.
05:52Dude, is that your car?
05:54That's sick.
05:55Bunch of eggs in a trolley.
05:57I'm not surprised.
05:58You don't look that excited to see me, Tom.
06:00You don't think?
06:01Not at all.
06:03Are you going to be like this the whole time?
06:04Like what?
06:05Like this.
06:06I guess.
06:08We could be friends.
06:09Are you still doing comedy?
06:11Am I still doing comedy?
06:12Yeah.
06:12You're just doing this.
06:13This is comedy.
06:15May I?
06:16Please.
06:18OK.
06:19I've ruined the card already.
06:20Here we go.
06:20Send these passengers on the safest yet speediest journey down the drive.
06:26You may not touch the passengers.
06:28The vehicle may only be moved by shoves.
06:32With one shove allowed every 30 seconds.
06:35For any deceased passengers, you must hold a meaningful memorial before proceeding.
06:41A bonus point will be given for best memorialiser.
06:44Fastest wins.
06:46The time starts now.
06:48I'm so sorry, but some of you aren't going to make it.
06:55Just before we get started, I'm going to say I'm so glad I didn't get that driveway resealed.
07:00Because that gravel is going to be an absolute bastard.
07:04So whose eggs are we going to murder first?
07:06Well, you can't break eggs without breaking a few eggs.
07:09It's Anissa, Celia and Rove.
07:11All right, you guys.
07:13Are you with me?
07:13Who feels safe?
07:17Be free, my little passengers.
07:19Look at them go.
07:20This is great.
07:21I'm never going to win unless I try.
07:29Oh no, we lost one.
07:31Oh, but she's still going.
07:32Go, you little ripper.
07:34Oh, I'm really happy with this.
07:36I'm really happy with this.
07:38Oh no.
07:39Oh, it's carnage.
07:40Oh no.
07:42Oh no.
07:43Dearly beloved.
07:45We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of some dear friends of mine.
07:53To the earth you return.
07:58I'm Muslim.
07:59I don't know why I did that.
08:00Oh no.
08:01Captain Boyle.
08:02He stole from the rich and gave to the poor.
08:05And we will miss him.
08:06I don't think that one was dead.
08:07Oh, .
08:07I lied.
08:09He's a pedophile.
08:10Let's go for broke.
08:19That wasn't worth it.
08:20That was quite a good one.
08:21Oh no, they're all dead.
08:23I'm going to miss you guys.
08:25This one was a bit of a dick, but we're sad that you died anyway.
08:34What's this for?
08:35Dude, it's a pyre.
08:37You know how it works.
08:38In post effects we could add flames.
08:40Oh.
08:42Oh.
08:42Stand back.
08:43Tom, don't get burnt from the fire.
08:45Here we go.
08:49I should have been there.
08:50I should have cared for you.
08:52I should have nurtured you.
08:56Great.
08:56Finish line is in sight.
08:57I'm just going for it.
08:58I believe in all of you, okay?
09:00Do you trust me?
09:01Let's go.
09:02He's crossed the line.
09:04Ah!
09:06Oh, look at this angel who didn't leak when I gave her a hug at all.
09:10No, she's fine.
09:11They're all fine, Tom.
09:13In fact, I'm just going to keep them with me because they're all alive and fine.
09:17Are some of them dead too?
09:18No.
09:19Thanks, Tom.
09:20Thanks, Celia.
09:21Bye.
09:29So, Celia, how many memorials have you been to where after the tribute they throw the body
09:33away?
09:35Well, you don't keep them.
09:37Yeah.
09:38They're all dicks.
09:38They're a bunch of egg dicks and I'm glad they're dead.
09:42Yeah, you abused them in several different ways.
09:45What were you calling the eggs?
09:46I don't know.
09:47One of them...
09:47Oh, I won't repeat it.
09:49I'll repeat it.
09:50Celia accused one of them of being a pedophile.
09:55So, Anissa, you said to one of the eggs in your heartfelt tribute,
09:59I should have been there.
10:00Um, you were there.
10:04I feel like I should have been there intellectually because I wasn't thinking.
10:08I don't know why I pushed it that hard.
10:10I genuinely could not think of another way to do it other than that.
10:13You know?
10:14Right?
10:15Are you trying to throw to the next segment?
10:21I'll do the twists and turns, thank you.
10:24Now, Rove, how did you feel about the fire that was added in post there?
10:27Oh, it was really good and I'll tell you all about it after the break.
10:30Oh!
10:33No?
10:35I was quite impressed by it.
10:37That's what I expected my Viking funeral to be like.
10:40All right.
10:40Now, Tom, what's your favourite part of this task?
10:43Yeah, probably the second line of the task, actually.
10:44Oh, right.
10:45And what was that?
10:46You may not touch the passengers in any way.
10:49I can't touch them.
10:50Nope.
10:51Oh, no!
10:52Captain Boyle.
10:53We will miss him.
10:54I don't think that one was dead.
10:55Oh, ****!
10:57That was Jasmine.
10:58OK.
11:00I touched it.
11:01I touched it.
11:02So, can I put it back?
11:04So, Carl's going into space.
11:07Oh!
11:09Please don't throw the eggs at the camera, people.
11:16Can I touch them now?
11:17What do you mean, now?
11:19I wasn't touching them before.
11:25So, this means they're all disqualified.
11:28That's right, yeah.
11:30Rove touched an egg twice.
11:31Anissa touched an egg 31 times.
11:35Celia touched an egg 40 times.
11:37I love it!
11:38I just love touching eggs, OK?
11:40I have a problem.
11:43All right.
11:43Well, let's take a break.
11:44We'll be back soon to see if any of our contestants aren't disqualified.
11:48We'll see you after this.
12:00Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
12:03If you've just joined us, you're late and I'm very disappointed.
12:07What were we doing, Tom?
12:08Our contestants are shoving a trolley full of eggs down a driveway as fast as they can
12:11and they're not allowed to touch eggs.
12:13So far, our contestants have touched so many eggs.
12:16All right.
12:17It's just a simple task.
12:19Fastest wins.
12:19Fastest wins.
12:20Up next, it's all the king's men.
12:22Can they end what can only be described as an egg-touching extravaganza?
12:25It's Joel Creasy and Brett Blake.
12:27I'm not very strong.
12:28Am I allowed to drive that car?
12:31Jump in.
12:31Let's go.
12:33I can use anything, right?
12:37What if I got on me?
12:39I'm staying here?
12:39Yeah, you're staying here.
12:41If I tie this and sort of shut it, then I can sort of pull it back.
12:45Well, what if I like put something over the top to pad it?
12:51I'm not touching them.
12:53Go to sleep with legs.
12:56What's that for?
12:56A ramp, dickhead.
12:58Let's go.
13:03There are no deceased passengers.
13:05Yes.
13:06Oh, that's a shit ramp.
13:09Shove.
13:13I reckon I've nailed this.
13:15I feel like this is a shove.
13:17That's a shove.
13:19That's a **** shove.
13:21There's one deceased passenger.
13:23****
13:28We've travelled all this way.
13:30And you are just a bit too weak.
13:32And that's life, isn't it?
13:33That's the memorial.
13:34That's nicer than what I said at my grandma's funeral.
13:37You need to sing the national anthem.
13:40Go.
13:41You want me to do it?
13:42Yeah.
13:43Well, I'm **** doing this.
13:45Go.
13:45Come on.
13:46Australians.
13:48Oh, let us rejoice.
13:52Australians.
13:53Oh, let us rejoice.
14:16We've got the flag there.
14:17Three.
14:18Maybe a burnout.
14:19We are young and free-range eggs.
14:24With oil and oil and something, something oil.
14:30Our home is pink.
14:32The eggs would want me to win.
14:33The eggs would want me to win.
14:35The eggs would want me to win.
14:36Oh.
14:40There's an additional deceased passenger.
14:46Can you skip?
14:49Oh, there you go.
14:51Oh, there you go.
14:53Yay!
15:00Great work, Brett.
15:01I think you did really well.
15:03I especially like, for we are young and free, range.
15:06Range.
15:07I love how I'm the only person on the panel who's dyslexic,
15:11but I manage to read, do not touch the eggs.
15:14I like your memorials too that you gave.
15:16I think they were very good.
15:17But I feel like at a Bogan Memorial, you should have been
15:19wearing wrap-around sunnies.
15:21Yeah.
15:21There wasn't enough props, but I had a ramp.
15:23I got the van involved.
15:25I think I started using the van too much that the safety
15:28coordinator on set started hiding vehicles from me, so...
15:33It did not go well.
15:34Tom had some fun, though.
15:35Well, I felt like I was in danger more than...
15:39Danger, electric, excitement.
15:41It's all the same, dude.
15:43All right, Joel.
15:44Yes.
15:44I thought you were being a bit hard on yourself when you were
15:46saying that you weren't that strong, but then I saw your effort
15:49and I thought it was about accurate.
15:52I don't know what I was planning with the rope because
15:55it didn't do anything.
15:57I did enjoy the memorials, though, because I've been planning
16:01my funeral forever.
16:03Well, I can't wait.
16:04I honestly can't wait.
16:05What's your plan?
16:05Open casket with my eyes glued open.
16:07Right?
16:08So I can look into the eyes of my enemies just one last time.
16:12Yeah.
16:12Joel, would you like to hear more about your plan for your funeral?
16:15Glinda and El Farber from Wicked will sing for good.
16:18El Farber?
16:19El Farber?
16:21El Farber?
16:22El Farber?
16:23El Farber?
16:32If I don't get to go back and untouch eggs, you do not
16:38get a second credit.
16:39Luke, I am your El Farber.
16:41Yeah.
16:41No.
16:42No, no, no.
16:43It's all right.
16:43No, no, no.
16:44Give him a break.
16:45Give him a break.
16:46Tom, you know.
16:47You know.
16:47You're joking.
16:48You know the Wizard of Ooze.
16:50Right?
16:51To be fair, we should just do a pickup of you saying El Farber
16:54because otherwise fans of musical theatre will be coming at you.
16:58Oh, no.
17:00Joel, Joel, I don't think he's seen what jazz hands come in.
17:02I was going to say, well, we'll rip your throat out.
17:06We're coming at you.
17:07We're coming at you.
17:09Better run, better run.
17:14I'm sorry you had to sink that side of me, Tom.
17:17Whoo.
17:20I'm not supposed to enjoy this show this much, but anyway.
17:23What I was trying to allude to when I was describing
17:25what Joel told me about his funeral
17:27is that we did a lot of talking during that task.
17:29Right.
17:30Joel took 37 minutes and 22 seconds.
17:33Brett's decision to use the van
17:35means his time was just ten minutes and eight seconds.
17:40So that means zero points for the first three contestants,
17:44Anissa Celia and Rove, all disqualified.
17:45Four points for Joel and five points for Brett.
17:47All right.
17:50Finally, you need to choose the best memorialiser.
17:53Oh, that's easy.
17:54Brett Blake.
17:55Okay, six points for Brett Blake.
17:56Yeah, pretty big.
17:58Okay, and what are the scores for the episode so far?
18:01Out in front, it's a tie at the moment.
18:02Brett and Joel both on eight points.
18:04Oh, well done.
18:07All right.
18:09I'm ready for another task.
18:11This next task is about middle names,
18:13but I'll never tell you mine.
18:14Discretion is my middle name.
18:16Oh, wait.
18:22Oh.
18:32Tom Cashman with the iPad in the study.
18:36Bonjour.
18:37Hi Joel.
18:38Please choose a word.
18:39Oh!
18:40What, choose one that's hanging?
18:41They all describe me.
18:43Darren, technically a name, but that's all right.
18:45I'll go with kill.
18:47Chaos.
18:47Wizard.
18:48Danger.
18:49I'll choose Darren.
18:50You're choosing Darren?
18:51Yeah.
18:53Oh, no.
18:55I'm cool.
18:57You're like Edward Scissorhands.
19:00Totally broke that one.
19:01Now do I read the thing?
19:02Yes, Liz.
19:03Okay.
19:07Why?
19:08The word you just selected is your new middle name.
19:13Live up to it.
19:14I should have gone with sexy.
19:16Most lived up to middle name wins.
19:18You have 25 minutes to time straight down.
19:21I mean, obviously dangerous with my middle name.
19:22I win.
19:23I should just get points for choosing the correct one.
19:25Like, what would you do?
19:25Because you're very cool.
19:26Like, what would a cool...
19:27Like, I'm asking a cool person.
19:28What would they do?
19:29I'm not going to answer because I suspect you're being sarcastic.
19:31This is effed up, but I know someone called Darren.
19:35He proposed to his missus in a Macca's.
19:37I won't be allowed to light things on fire, will I?
19:39Let's do it and let's wait to see what happens if I get yelled at.
19:42Cool, cool.
19:44I want to physically get cool.
19:45I think I have to be the dangerous thing.
19:48So, I'm going to be sharp and hot and, like, have rabies.
19:54Oh.
19:54I'm off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
19:59Do you mean the generic school for magic?
20:01Tom!
20:02Yeah.
20:02I'm off to a nameless school of witchcraft and wizardry.
20:07Grab everything.
20:07Grab the cameras.
20:08Let's go.
20:12So, Anissa, what drew you to Darren?
20:14Just an opportunity to make fun of white guys.
20:19So, like, how would you describe Darren as an emotion?
20:23Oh, yeah, nah.
20:27Damn. Nailed it.
20:30OK, Tom.
20:31I'm ready to see some people embody their new middle names.
20:34Who have we got first?
20:35He chose the word chaos.
20:36He's furious.
20:37He didn't choose sexy.
20:38It's Brett.
20:38Chaos.
20:39Blake.
20:39Ah!
20:40Your time's up now, Tomina!
20:42No one's going to save you!
20:44Oh, my God.
20:48It's Brett.
20:49Sexy.
20:50Blake.
20:50No!
20:55F***.
20:56F***.
20:58F***.
21:05F***.
21:07F***.
21:14You're welcome.
21:17F***.
21:20F***.
21:21R***.
21:25F***.
21:43See you next time.
21:44You're not going to let me out of the chains?
21:46No.
21:49Okay, so did you forget which word you chose?
21:54You chose Chaos, but then you came out on the bike
21:57and it said sexy and you were sexy.
21:59But they were just feelings you were feeling when you saw that.
22:02Yeah.
22:03You were like, that's sexy.
22:04I went with Chaos, Sexy and Danger.
22:06I kind of got lost in it a bit.
22:07I think the character was Captain Chaos
22:10and then I was playing someone called maybe Mr. Sexy or Cool
22:14or Darren and maybe Darren
22:18and then he saves Tom from Captain Chaos.
22:22Not Tom.
22:23Not...
22:23Who are you?
22:24Who are you?
22:26Tamina.
22:27Oh, that's right.
22:28I gave you a girl's name and I put a wig on you.
22:30Yeah, that's funny.
22:30It looked like a...
22:32It looked like a tutorial
22:33for when you get inducted into being a lesbian.
22:35That's what I thought I was watching.
22:37Well, ironically, a lot of that stuff came from Bunnings,
22:39so it makes sense.
22:41All right, we're up to the middle name of any broadcast TV show.
22:45The ads.
22:45Back soon.
22:47APPLAUSE
22:56Hello and welcome back to the first episode of Taskmaster Season 5.
23:01How exciting.
23:02You're witnessing the series right at its peak.
23:04And from this sentence, we're phoning it in.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08Where were we, Tom?
23:09Our comedians are trying to live up to their new middle name.
23:11Up next, it's Anissa Darren-Nandola and Joel Cool Creasy.
23:16Hi there.
23:17Could I please have a hash brown and an apple pie?
23:19No, I'll get a full meal, love.
23:21Get a full f***ing meal.
23:22Because today is a real special day.
23:25Do you want to have an ice bath with me?
23:28I loved you ever since I laid eyes on you at the pokies.
23:32Beautiful.
23:32Beautiful spot.
23:33This is so cool.
23:34The way you scream,
23:35Gah!
23:36Oh, man.
23:37Man, my heart race.
23:41Cool.
23:41See?
23:42Oh, my God.
23:46I've even got these very cool glasses
23:48to really hammer the point home.
23:52Would you please be my lawfully wedded wife
23:55and make me...
23:56You've kind of already put it on.
23:58Let me bloody finish, love.
23:59OK.
24:00You want me to get in?
24:00I think you should.
24:01I think there's enough space.
24:02You didn't tell me to change.
24:04Yeah.
24:05It's perfect.
24:05Do you want to be Mrs. Anissa Daniel-Dara-Nandola?
24:09I do.
24:11How refreshing.
24:15Get the large.
24:16Get the large.
24:16I'll have fries as well.
24:19Come on.
24:20Dumb.
24:23Enjoy the view.
24:29This is based on a true story, right?
24:31This is based off of a Darren that I know.
24:33OK.
24:33So how's Darren's relationship going now?
24:36He's divorced.
24:38Now, you're from Queensland.
24:40Yes.
24:40You didn't choose to live like Darren Lockyer.
24:42He's a rugby player.
24:46I've noticed I'm being very careful because I don't want my citizenship revoked.
24:51Rugby player?
24:52Rugby league player.
24:53Oh, OK.
24:54I don't know what that means.
24:59He's a Queensland legend.
25:00OK.
25:03So, Joel, was this task for you a bit tricky?
25:05Because to start with, you're already quite cool.
25:07Oh, I thought I'd give myself a challenge and try and be cool.
25:11Yeah.
25:12But I reckon you are already cool.
25:14You're on commercial radio.
25:15When I hang out with you, you're always very witty, well-dressed.
25:18You know, you're always often drinking a very fancy drink.
25:21I look at it and think, what's Joel drinking?
25:23I wouldn't mind having that because he's cool.
25:25Do you need money or something?
25:27No, I'm just saying.
25:34But the problem is, I think you started the task cool,
25:36but then you ended it not cool.
25:38Why?
25:39You finished in a bathtub with Tom Cashman.
25:41Not cool.
25:43You're telling me I was in there with him.
25:45And I could tell it was very cool.
25:49Let's just say my balls are smaller than Grant Deniers.
25:53All right, Cashman, I'm ready for another.
25:56Upus Nexotus.
25:57It's Rove, Wizard, McManus.
25:59Oh, God.
26:04Oh, Broomie, it's time to fly up.
26:10Come on, Broomie.
26:11We've got to save the day.
26:13The evil wizard, uh, eye board is coming to stop us.
26:18Let's go.
26:20Oh, my scar's hurting.
26:23Oh, like that.
26:24Oh, that must mean that, what was his name again?
26:29Eye, eye board or something like this.
26:31Oh, no, here he comes.
26:38Well, well, well.
26:39If it isn't Rove, Wizard, McManus.
26:44Evil wizard, Voldy-born.
26:46No, evil, evil wizard, eye-dee-born.
26:50I knew it was you.
26:51Oh, really?
26:52Well, what if I was to tell you?
26:55It was me that killed your parents, you dumb kid.
26:59No, kill us, villainous.
27:05Sparks come out of it and cool effects.
27:08Oh, no.
27:10You got me, Rove, Wizard, McManus.
27:13Then I'll be back if there's a sequel.
27:21Flames.
27:21Flames.
27:22Yeah.
27:23That's what you get for being a dick.
27:26All a simple day in the life.
27:29For me, Rove, the Wizard, McManus.
27:31Although my parents are still dead.
27:34Womp womp.
27:44To some of our younger viewers who are just tuning in,
27:46you might be surprised to find out
27:47that Rove actually used to be a really big deal.
27:56What was that about, Rove?
27:58It was magic.
28:00Yeah, well, I was watching it thinking
28:02it was about to magically become entertainment.
28:07There's no trick for that, as we well know, Tom.
28:09Were you, uh, were you griffin bored?
28:13Yeah, boy!
28:15Shut up, Malfoy.
28:18You know!
28:20Check out these dumbledawks.
28:22I don't get it.
28:24Who gives a shit?
28:25I'm a regular Hufflepuff.
28:31Hey, Tom, you can just probably go straight to the points.
28:37Who have we got next, Cashboy?
28:41I think she might actually have rabies
28:43and has found a way to work it into the show.
28:46It's Celia Danger-Pakula.
29:00Oh.
29:01Oh.
29:03Oh.
29:04Get?
29:04I see you really ran with the rabies idea.
29:06Yes, a little bit.
29:08Not just that.
29:09This is a pot filled with boiling water
29:10with a handle sticking out.
29:11It's incredibly dangerous.
29:12And this is an open flame, Tom.
29:14Oh, no.
29:15And scissors.
29:16Oh.
29:17And I can't help but notice the, um...
29:18Yes, because I have unprotected sex
29:20and I'm a man and I have a cactus penis.
29:22Okay.
29:22But I'm also a bear
29:23and I'm also a woman who knows what she wants.
29:26All very dangerous things.
29:28I feel like I've nailed this brief.
29:30I will say good day to you, sir.
29:32Good day.
29:34Yeah.
29:38Yeah.
29:39Yeah.
29:40So can you talk us through all the dangerous things you did?
29:42Because there was a lot there.
29:43There was a lot.
29:44My first thought was the swords
29:45and I had rabies
29:46and I had scissors
29:47and I had my PIN number
29:49and my home address
29:50and my mobile phone number.
29:52You had more than that.
29:53What else did I have?
29:53Oh, yeah.
29:54These are things written on your suit.
29:55Yeah.
29:55I'm a man.
29:56Yeah.
29:57I'm a bear.
29:58Yeah.
29:58I have a snake.
30:00I have worms.
30:01I answer unknown numbers.
30:03My password is easy to guess
30:05and my shoelaces are undone.
30:07Oh, yeah.
30:08Your shoelaces were not undone.
30:10Oh, were they not?
30:10All right.
30:11Well, I've got to give out some scores here, don't I?
30:12You do.
30:13Okay.
30:13Well, that's pretty easy.
30:14One to Rove.
30:17I'm going to give two points to Joel
30:18because he started cool
30:19and then he ended not cool.
30:20I'm going to give three points to Celia
30:21because it was still very dangerous.
30:23Okay.
30:23I'm going to give four points to Anissa
30:25because it was chock full of Darren-ness.
30:28Woo!
30:28But I'm going to give five points to Brett
30:30just because it was awesome and chaotic.
30:34Loved it.
30:37All right.
30:37We'll be back after the break.
30:39Whether you will is entirely up to your attention span.
30:41See you soon.
30:53Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
30:55We've just got time for one last proper task.
30:59So what have you got for me, Lesser Tom?
31:00It's our first location task of the series,
31:03so giddy up.
31:03We're off to the racetrack.
31:20I love these big walks.
31:22Hi, Tom.
31:23Is this walk really necessary?
31:32Can I help you?
31:34Yeah, there's a toss down there
31:35that I'd love for you to read.
31:36Oh, okay.
31:41Kicks the exercise ball to Tom.
31:44Easy.
31:44Only chairs may halt a ball's motion.
31:48If the ball rolls to the bottom,
31:49you must remove a chair.
31:50This is so hard.
31:52Fewest chairs initially placed wins.
31:55You have 10 minutes to place the chairs,
31:58then 15 minutes to get the ball to the top.
32:00Your time starts now.
32:02But I've just got to kick the ball to you.
32:04That's right.
32:05What have the chairs got to do with anything?
32:07If the ball comes to a standstill on a chair,
32:09then you can go up to that spot and kick from there.
32:12Get what I mean?
32:12Not really.
32:13And also the ball just f***ed off.
32:15You might want to go get the ball.
32:16Don't tell me what to do, Tom.
32:17Are you right-footed?
32:19Right-footed?
32:20Who's right-footed?
32:21I'm right-handed.
32:22What is right-footed?
32:24Oh, dear.
32:28What is...
32:30Sorry.
32:32Do you really not know what right-footed is?
32:35No.
32:36What's right-footed?
32:37Which foot do you kick with?
32:39Which foot do you kickball change with?
32:41Oh, I kickball change with...
32:42I'm right-footed.
32:43I'm right-footed.
32:44That's all you had to ask.
32:45All right, who's up first?
32:46The chairman and the chairwoman of the Us Not Being Bored.
32:49It's Rove and Celia.
32:51All right, I'm going to try this.
32:53You can do some chat if you are.
32:55I'm just moving chairs.
32:55What did you have for breakfast?
32:56I had a protein ball, because I'm an athlete.
32:59Well, if I lay a chair flat, it's got more space to take up.
33:03What did you have for breakfast yesterday?
33:05Pizza, because that's what legends eat.
33:09I reckon it's going to stop better like that.
33:11What about the breakfast the day before that?
33:13Meth.
33:14It just keeps getting progressively worse, so don't it keeps going backwards.
33:17I've gone double digits.
33:18I'm not happy with that.
33:19Dare I ask what you had breakfast one day before that?
33:22A human child.
33:23See?
33:24I told you not to ask, Tom.
33:25Oh, my gosh.
33:26What am I doing?
33:27I'm a genius.
33:29Woo!
33:29Okay.
33:30No more chair placement.
33:32The kicking may begin.
33:33Woo!
33:35Shut up!
33:37That was pretty far.
33:41Oh!
33:42Keep bouncing!
33:43Keep bouncing!
33:45Oh!
33:50You shut up.
33:51No, that's gone.
33:53The ball has crossed the line at the bottom of the ramp.
33:55Please remove one chair.
33:56Okay.
33:57At this point, this is doing F all.
33:59All right.
34:00How good was that bounce, though?
34:01The people at home loved that.
34:03Did you hear the reaction?
34:04No?
34:05Well, okay.
34:06Woo!
34:06Oh!
34:07Too far!
34:11Come on, little chair.
34:13Yes, little chair.
34:16You shut up.
34:18Stop, stop, stop.
34:21Tom!
34:23Yeah!
34:24Look at that!
34:25Bit of support here
34:30That was a foolish foolish call
34:34Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for it. So I'm allowed to pick it up. Yes. Okay. I'm gonna
34:39pick up the ball now Tom
34:42Bounce over
34:47That was so close again the crowd, but you wouldn't know because your imagination is limited
34:53Well, it's gonna be I don't know if I could just okay. All right. All right
34:58Come on chair, you know what you're doing
35:14I just didn't believe in myself how good I was gonna be at that. That's a shame. Thanks Tom
35:20Oh
35:21Careful of those chairs. I mean, we shouldn't we shouldn't just we shouldn't just be leaving those there
35:31Right was that trip on purpose or was it an accident?
35:35It was a comedy. It was a comedy fall. I was just worried about you because it was so convincing
35:40when you fell over
35:41I was just genuinely concerned for your welfare
35:44Thank you Tom. I appreciate that I was gonna laugh, but then I didn't cuz I was worried you were
35:48hurt
35:51All right, and so I must admit right over I reckon the most impressive things was seeing you miss by
35:56such a
35:57It was quite painful at the other end
36:00Yes, and then I don't know if you saw I I swapped legs. I went I went left. I went
36:03right didn't make a difference
36:05Are you right-footed whatever that means I?
36:08I think my feet are bisexual so it's like
36:13Thought I recognized then
36:16Okay, so Celia, how do you feel you went? I loved that yeah, I loved it so much my only
36:20mistake was not knowing how good I'd be at it
36:23Like you're saying like I should have believed in myself without too many chairs
36:26Well the hardest part of your task was just watching Cashman try to keep up a conversation
36:31Cuz I feel like you're giving him a lot of fun offers and he was she's told me to do
36:35some chat
36:35I remember I asked you what you had for breakfast and you said tinned peaches and I said are you
36:39in the war? I
36:42Had tinned peaches at the hotel. I didn't have my own tins. I didn't ask where the war happened
36:50Anyway, so yes, that was the conversation. Thank you. It was difficult working with you
36:55Right, so let's look at the stats. Well ultimately it's a game of faith in yourself, right?
37:00So the fewer chairs more faith you have Celia had 19 chairs worth of faith. Yep, Rove had a whopping
37:0510 chairs of faith in himself
37:07That's a lot of faith. All right, who's battling the ramp next the next contestants inclined to incline are Anissa
37:12and Brett
37:22Why can't I just boom kick it to you in one go if you can you can what if I
37:27kick it so far
37:28It doesn't come back then the task is done. That's correct. Oh, that's too easy. Let's win this
37:34I'm real doggin it dude. You're locking in zero chairs. Yeah
37:40Bro, why is this ramp so rampy?
37:44No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
37:47This is either the best or the worst idea I've ever had
37:55It's gonna be the worst idea I've ever had
37:57Mother
37:58Michael Johnny, rest in peace
38:01He's not dead rest in peace, Kobe
38:11You are now chalice Johnny Wilkinson
38:28Bro, this is a disgustingly steep ramp
38:33Oh, my God.
38:40Oh, man, you're so sorry.
38:44Go, go, go!
38:45Go! Yes!
38:47Yes!
38:49Yes!
38:52How much time have I got?
38:54Seven seconds left.
38:55Michelle Obama!
38:57Ah! Ah! Ah!
39:05I'm going to report this ramp to the ramp authorities.
39:09Dude, that was sick.
39:11Sometimes you've got to believe yourself.
39:12Well done.
39:13Hell yeah.
39:20So, Anissa, you were yelling out various names.
39:23What was the thinking behind that?
39:25Rest in peace Michael Jordan.
39:28Is he still here?
39:29He's alive and well.
39:30OK.
39:31You'll never believe it.
39:33He plays rugby league for Queensland.
39:37Anissa, you were yelling famous black people as you kicked.
39:40Usain Bolt.
39:41Serena Williams.
39:42Kamal Harris.
39:43And Nick Kyrgios.
39:46I claim him.
39:47I claim Nick Kyrgios.
39:48He's close enough.
39:50RIP.
39:52Alright, now, Brett.
39:54Amazing tactic.
39:55No chairs.
39:56No chairs.
39:57Just back yourself.
39:59That's right.
39:59I've never even seen this TV show and I'm f***ing dominating.
40:06Who would have thought the guy with the truck licence would beat the three theatre dorks?
40:13Who would have thought the straight white guy would have so much confidence?
40:17And the fact that you're winning makes it even worse.
40:20Yeah.
40:20It really stinks.
40:22Sucked in.
40:23So, should we look at the scores there?
40:26Well, Anissa had 34 kicks.
40:28Oh.
40:28Brett only used seven kicks.
40:31And is leading with zero chairs placed.
40:36Okay.
40:37We've just got one comedian to go in the Swiss ball kicking gauntlet.
40:42But first, it's time for a break.
40:43Come back soon to find out who's won Grant Denyer's balls and a stale potato chip.
40:59Welcome back to the only show on television brave enough to ask the question, would sports
41:04be more entertaining if they were done by people with no sporting ability?
41:09Where were we, Lester Tom?
41:10Our contestants are kicking a ball up a ramp with nothing to help them but chairs.
41:14Fewest chairs placed wins.
41:16Up last, it's a man so deeply in love with his feet he couldn't possibly choose between them.
41:20It's Joel Creasy.
41:22It's like a setting up for an event.
41:26Stay here.
41:27Careful of that.
41:28You wouldn't want the ball to get away.
41:39I reckon I can kick it from there but I've got them as backups.
41:42Okay.
41:52What are you doing?
41:53Looking for the ball.
41:58Oh, dying.
41:59Is this some...
42:02What?
42:03Where did it go?
42:05Where did the ball go?
42:06I don't know.
42:07I saw it go down there.
42:09That's all I saw.
42:10You've done something.
42:11I didn't do anything.
42:12You did.
42:13It was right here.
42:14Your kicking time has begun.
42:16This is so dumb Tom.
42:17Where's the ball?
42:18I don't know.
42:18Tom.
42:19I told you to make sure it didn't blow away.
42:22Where is it?
42:25It can't have gone that far.
42:28I've misread something like there's a little trick.
42:31I don't think wind is a trick.
42:32It's just a reality of life.
42:34But it's not here.
42:35Then why are you here?
42:36If it's down here I'll be so furious.
42:44No.
42:44Here!
42:52Tom, this is so lame.
42:54There's not even any other balls here.
42:56Can I kick you in the balls?
42:57No, thank you.
42:58This is so stupid Tom.
43:00Someone's taking the ball.
43:01I'm sorry.
43:10How long do I have?
43:11You've got 48 seconds left of kicking time.
43:13I'm being gas lit.
43:14I'm being completely gas lit.
43:16I'm not going to pretend that there's not cameras here.
43:18Everyone is silent.
43:19Someone's taking the ball.
43:20They have.
43:21I forgot what colour it was.
43:2425 seconds left.
43:2525 seconds left.
43:25Where's the ball?
43:26It's not here.
43:28Is it like right here and I'm actually having a brain bleed and need to be in hospital?
43:3110 seconds left.
43:32This is ridiculous.
43:33This is ridiculous.
43:34It's not here.
43:36Thanks Joel.
43:38That was the worst.
43:42And I had such a good sister.
43:49It's not here.
43:52Now we know that you're not right footed or left footed you neither.
43:57I have lost months of sleep wondering where that ball went.
44:03Lesser Tom even said it went that way.
44:05And you went, no it didn't.
44:06You went the other way.
44:07I searched that way.
44:08I searched that entire race thing.
44:11That place.
44:12That awful place.
44:14Didn't even get a chance to kick with my right foot or whatever footed I am.
44:18You kept accusing me of taking it but you could see me the whole time.
44:22Someone blew it away just to wind me up and you got me.
44:28I looked up the wind speed on each day.
44:30I had the windiest day.
44:31No you didn't.
44:32Brad did.
44:34Mine went around the corner but I just looked and it was there.
44:38Mine was having a schooner up the bar.
44:40I couldn't find it anywhere.
44:41Joel would you like to know how many kicks you attempted?
44:43No.
44:45I can at least work that out myself.
44:48Alright well let's go through the scores then.
44:50Joel's obviously disqualified.
44:52Correct.
44:52As is Anissa.
44:54That means three points to Celia, four points to Rove and Brett wins the task with five points.
45:01Alright and what are the scores for the episode so far?
45:03Rove is in last place with six points but Brett's out in front with 18 points.
45:09Alright you lot please head up to the stage for the first studio task of the season.
45:18Who's going to read out the task tonight?
45:21Celia.
45:24Pose for a photo at the median height with the median amount of naughtiness.
45:30Your photos will be compared and the contestant at the median height in their photo will win
45:36the height category.
45:38Tallest and shortest contestants will come second and the other two contestants will come
45:42third.
45:43Same scoring applies to naughtiness.
45:46Brett are you okay?
45:48Did he just faint?
45:50No I punched a wall out and I've left.
45:53Best overall performance in the two categories wins.
45:55Your photos will be taken in exactly 75 seconds.
45:59So the middle of each category will win.
46:01The tallest and shortest come second and then the other two come third.
46:06Okay your 75 seconds starts now.
46:14Why would we say that?
46:25Why would we say that?
46:3130 seconds.
46:54Okay it's time for one last break.
46:56Hey during the break why don't you swap over each other's phones and have a look at the
47:00photos.
47:00Go see who's got the naughtiest photos.
47:02You'll enjoy it.
47:03See you soon.
47:14Hello and welcome back to the season premiere of Taskmaster.
47:18We're in the final stretch of our live task and just need some rankings.
47:22Sir Tom?
47:23That's right our contestants tried to take photos of median height and median naughtiness.
47:26Let's analyze the height first.
47:34It goes?
47:36Yeah.
47:37Yeah.
47:39Did I win this then?
47:41Yeah that's right.
47:42Celia with the median height so you win the height category.
47:46And Nisa and Brett were tallest and shortest respectively so they come in second in the height category.
47:50And Joel and Rove were the other ones.
47:52Alright so we have to rank some naughtiness there.
47:54Yes.
47:54It's time to analyze naughtiness.
47:55Okay.
47:56Well I'm tempted to say that Nisa and Brett are the same because they kind of dress the
48:00same but they're doing something very different.
48:02What's naughty about what you're doing there Nisa?
48:04Do you want me to...
48:08And I must say I was so worried but then I saw Rove and I'm like I'm good.
48:16What about Brett?
48:17Well I was using the stick thing as an erect penis but then I remembered that it was medium
48:24so then I folded the fake penis in half so it's a medium dick.
48:28Okay.
48:29And then I got bored in the task and forgot they were taking a photo.
48:33Just looking at Celia were you actually naked?
48:36It looks like I'm having an emergency in the shower.
48:40Right but is that naughty or natural?
48:44Depends.
48:45In a supermarket.
48:48Rove committed to his look very early on in the task I felt.
48:54We had the pleasure of seeing you did a few minor variations.
48:57It was first of his nipple.
48:58I did.
48:58I workshopped through it.
48:59It was a process wasn't it?
49:00I went full of Brett Blake and just felt it.
49:02Okay and then we've got Joel.
49:04Joel.
49:06You just look like you're on the toilet and you're dropping your newspaper.
49:10I was being very naughty and wasn't in time for the camera was I?
49:14Oh ta- oh naughty naughty.
49:19Joel is last because didn't look too offensive to me.
49:23I find nudity to be natural.
49:25Not that naughty.
49:26So second last is Celia.
49:27I'm going to say Brett was quite naughty and Nisa was a little bit naughtier.
49:32The naughtiest was watching Roe McManus.
49:35Do a rude thing or throw a zipper.
49:37Yeah.
49:37Okay so putting together medium height and medium naughtiness what do we have?
49:41We've got three contestants in third place.
49:43Tired.
49:44Anisa, Joel and Rove.
49:45Celia is in second place with four points but Brett wins the task with five points.
49:52So who has won the first episode?
49:56Can it be?
50:01Where this seems to be leading is whether you just put a pirate hat on and sit on a box.
50:07Or jump over a fire.
50:11Roe if you're in last place.
50:13Oh what?
50:18Roe's right.
50:18Brett's way out in front with 23 points and is the winner of the first episode.
50:24Congratulations to Brett.
50:26Head up to the stage to collect your prize-tast things.
50:32Well there we go.
50:34What have we learnt?
50:35Three of them learnt eggs might cost a bit but touching them will cost you dearly.
50:40Brett took a lesson from the great El Farber and defied gravity.
50:45Oh.
50:46Nice.
50:47Nice.
50:48And while Joel forgot what his blue ball looked like, we'll never unlearn the sight of Grant
50:54Daniels.
50:56Give it up once more for our episode winner, Brett.
50:59Goodnight.
50:59Yeah!
51:00Everyone here!
51:01Yeah!
51:03Yeah!
51:05Yeah!
51:06Yeah!
51:07Yeah!
51:10We'll be there!
51:11Yeah!
51:13Yeah!
51:14Yeah!