- 7 hours ago
Bait S01E01-2
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01You
00:39I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:44Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:48I told you not to come after me.
00:50James, she knows everything.
00:52I know.
00:56You have terrible taste in hostages.
00:59Wentworth was the mole.
01:01Could have just as easily aimed a few centimetres higher.
01:06And it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:10Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:14Tell me, when it's just you, all alone,
01:19how do you live with yourself?
01:21Do you even know who you are?
01:33Blind?
01:34Sorry.
01:35Sorry.
01:38Sorry, Helen.
01:40It's all good.
01:41It's all good.
01:42It's just around a bit of a schedule.
01:44Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
01:45Quick reset back to once I'll make it this time.
01:47How are you blowing this audition?
01:49I know the speech.
01:51I know it.
01:52You fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
01:56What is this?
01:57A prank show?
01:58You're wearing a hidden camera.
01:59That's funny.
01:59No, I just have a very particular process.
02:02I've got my head around it now.
02:03I'm ready.
02:03Sorry, guys.
02:04Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:05Sorry.
02:06How was your weekend?
02:07It was good, thanks.
02:07How was yours?
02:08Great.
02:08What did you do?
02:09Just, thanks, thanks, Jim.
02:11This is my second.
02:13Stop it.
02:14Sorry.
02:15You know what?
02:16They didn't want to see you.
02:18I had to convince them.
02:19So this is on me.
02:20I've got a confession to make.
02:22I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:24It's the holy Muslim month.
02:28It's called Ramadan.
02:30This involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:33I'm lightheaded from a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:36Well, I've just seen you drink alcohol juice.
02:38Six tigs in a row.
02:40I tried.
02:41It's just a shame you didn't.
02:45Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:47We'll be in touch.
02:57You want to know what it's like?
02:59Doing the dirty work.
03:00Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:05I don't live with myself.
03:07I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:10The blood on my hands is mine.
03:13Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:16if I don't know who I am.
03:18Because you don't want to.
03:23You knew it.
03:24You knew it!
03:26What's wrong with you?
03:29Do you know who you are?
03:31I'll tell you who you are.
03:33You're a fucking failure.
03:35You just shat on your last chance of being somebody.
03:39You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:40You are ashamed of yourself.
03:41Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:43You're fucking nobody.
03:44You're nothing.
03:45You're just a fucking...
03:45Dumb fucking dyke.
03:56Um...
03:58Come in.
04:01Um...
04:01I, uh...
04:03I, uh...
04:03Forgot to grab your mic.
04:05I, uh...
04:32I, uh...
04:46I'm just, you know, there's a photographer
04:49that comes out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
04:51Oh, yeah, yeah.
04:53The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned
04:54and the whole Bond remodel goes crazy.
04:59Sorry, you know what?
05:00I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:03Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:04I'll go and grab it.
05:04Another way.
05:04Are you sure?
05:05Thank you, dog.
05:06Thanks a lot.
05:06Okay.
05:20You all right?
05:33Thank you, dog.
06:01Hey!
06:04I know you, mate. I'm a huge fan. You're talented.
06:10No, I'm not.
06:10Yes, you are. You're an exceptional actor and I want you to know that.
06:13Thank you, mate.
06:14Can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather? She's obsessed with you, dude.
06:17Really?
06:17Yeah, yeah. Babe, check it out. Walking down the street, guess what I've been to?
06:21Dev fucking Patel.
06:23What?
06:24Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
06:27Say something about Slumdog. She loves Slumdog.
06:33It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:36It was a great film that people loved, that I loved. I loved that film.
06:39I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:42He's not Dev Patel.
06:45What?
06:46He's not Dev Patel. Look how short he is.
06:50Dev is tall, strong, handsome. Our Gujarati hero.
06:55Hello, Shah Jahan Latif. Are you at the Shah Jahan place?
06:58Who's... Shah's a... Shah's a...
07:00Shah Latif Shah. That's me.
07:06Can we go, please?
07:07No problem, sir.
07:12Assalamualaikum, Mr. Latif Shah.
07:14I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:19I asked for asylum ride on the app, so...
07:22Sir, just one thing. Where are you from?
07:24Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:27You are looking like a jihadi, but you are looking like a sphincter.
07:30Sphincter?
07:31Wait, that's a bar.
07:32You like sphincter?
07:33You like sphincter, yeah?
07:33You just came to me like that.
07:34Sphincter?
07:34Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:35Come on.
07:36I appreciate it.
07:36Watch my posture, please.
07:38Your ass off my shoulder.
07:39No, you fucking love it.
07:39Hey, listen.
07:40Did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:41Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:42You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:44I didn't look.
07:44I'll be busy, okay?
07:45What are you always saying?
07:45Bro, you're a dickhead.
07:49What the fuck is this doing here?
07:50I was going to tell you, but basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
07:53There's no brown dolls for saying that.
07:55It's weird.
07:55It's not a doll, bro.
07:56It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
07:59You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:02You need to chew your tits.
08:03First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:04And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:07It's not a dildo.
08:08You look like a dildo to me.
08:09And I need them for my fleet anyway.
08:10Fleet?
08:11Alright.
08:11Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:13It's 26, actually.
08:14Fuck off.
08:15Yes.
08:16Things have been going very well.
08:17Got some serious investors interested.
08:20Hmm.
08:21Hmm.
08:21Hmm.
08:21What?
08:22Say mashallah.
08:23Oh, mashallah.
08:24Bro, if you're going to say it properly, mashallah.
08:26There you go.
08:26Right.
08:27Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.
08:30Uber in London's already Muslim.
08:31Right?
08:31Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:33Listen to me.
08:34We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:36And I want us to own this thing.
08:37Okay.
08:38And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:41I don't mind.
08:42Don't need any money from you, bro.
08:43Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
08:44There's no what I heard.
08:45I got stuff cooking.
08:46Where you go cooking?
08:47I can't tell you.
08:47Huh?
08:47It's top secret.
08:48I signed an NDA.
08:49You ain't signed no NDA.
08:50I did.
08:51Non-disclosure agreement.
08:52I signed it.
08:53I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
08:54You ain't got shit, bro.
08:55You missed the timing from mine.
08:56No, we didn't actually, because we're going to money above us.
08:58What?
08:58Yes.
08:59No.
08:59What do you mean, no?
09:00I mean, no.
09:01Yes, we are, bro.
09:03Okay?
09:03You have not checked in on your mom in time.
09:04She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:06Bro, I'm not in the mood.
09:07Yeah?
09:07Could you turn it around?
09:08Well, I don't care if you're in the mood or not.
09:09If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:13NBA.
09:14NBA.
09:28Come.
09:30Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:32Sometimes being here is enough, you know.
09:35Okay.
09:35Just one minute.
09:36I'm coming.
09:42I'm coming.
09:42Tahira, I'll take care of you.
09:44Okay?
09:45I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
09:47Yeah.
09:48Okay.
09:49Is my silver rally set today?
09:51No, no.
09:51Silver rally set?
09:52No, no.
09:52It's good, right?
09:53It's good.
09:54It's old too.
09:56Thank you, auntie.
09:59Look at you.
10:00All grown up, huh?
10:01Such a strong boy.
10:02Masha Allah.
10:03It's time for you.
10:04No, it's time for you.
10:05Bye, auntie.
10:05Bye, auntie.
10:07Who's here?
10:08Who's here?
10:09Who knows?
10:10Any better.
10:10Come here.
10:11Come here.
10:12No, no.
10:13I'll die.
10:13It's been two weeks.
10:16Two months, bro.
10:16Yes.
10:17Couple of weeks.
10:18I can't.
10:19I'm dying for this job.
10:20Like audition thing.
10:21You're dying.
10:22You're not keeping your roses here.
10:23Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:25Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:26Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:26Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:28Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:31I've been here for so many days, Salim's kiss.
10:33He bought a car in Dubai.
10:35He bought a house.
10:36I bought a bottle of my mom.
10:37I bought a bottle of my mom.
10:38I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
10:41Oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:42I'm sorry.
10:43Don't worry about it.
10:45I'm sorry.
10:46I've seen something in Google Alerts.
10:47I've seen something in some time, right?
10:50Yeah, there's stuff going on.
10:51I just don't know.
10:52I'm sorry.
10:54Don't talk about it, okay?
10:55Just tell me.
10:57What the?
10:59Well, I'm...
11:02Just pray.
11:03Just pray.
11:04Dua for you, Subhash Amir.
11:05Dua for you all the time.
11:07Dua.
11:08Okay.
11:08Dua.
11:09Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:12It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:13Where are you from?
11:14I don't see TV.
11:15I don't see.
11:16Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:17It takes time to make a film.
11:18Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:20You don't have time.
11:20You don't have a pop.
11:22That was one scene in one film.
11:24You've been pervert on this newsreader all day.
11:26I don't see anything outside.
11:28Baba.
11:29Why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:31They're expensive.
11:32I've booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:34I don't know what's wrong.
11:35I don't know what's wrong.
11:37Hey, cousin.
11:38Oh, shit.
11:39What are you saying?
11:40No, man.
11:40Oh, bless.
11:42What's this?
11:42What's what?
11:43You're beginning to take out your tags.
11:44Oh.
11:45Bro!
11:46Is that you, yeah?
11:48Baba, see how your boy's spending?
11:49Give me that.
11:51Why are you at home?
11:52Quit my job, man.
11:53Manager was a dickhead.
11:54Hey, I said he bolted.
11:55You don't think he bothered me.
11:56He was a weirdo.
11:57If you need work experience, I can sort you from Felicia.
11:59No, no, no.
12:00Listen.
12:00If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:02Is that you can't?
12:03No, DJ.
12:03Is he playing tonight?
12:04Yeah, why?
12:06I told you I can't wait for me.
12:07Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:0950% of my business.
12:10Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:13No, not really.
12:15Wait.
12:15Oh, my God.
12:18Sharpa, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:21What?
12:23Eh?
12:23Wait, wait, wait.
12:24It might be cut.
12:25It might be cut.
12:25Can I have a look at that?
12:26Oh, shit.
12:27No, no, no.
12:28It's legit.
12:28It's legit.
12:28What the fuck?
12:29Oh, my God.
12:31This is crazy.
12:31This is crazy, bro.
12:33Wait, wait, wait.
12:34Chill, man.
12:34Check the website.
12:35It's BBC we contracted.
12:36What's the name of Greg Daniel?
12:37Why didn't you tell me?
12:38You're sneaky.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:40It's just an audition.
12:41It's just an audition.
12:42Super James Bond made a shot.
12:43Listen, it's an audition.
12:44It's a photo from today's audition.
12:45That's all.
12:45That's all.
12:46What makes sense, bro, man?
12:47James Bond is white.
12:49What are you doing?
12:51I'm the haram.
12:52Do you know how much sex James Bond is?
12:54What are you doing?
12:55What are you doing?
12:57What are you doing?
12:58I'm the haram.
12:59I'm the haram.
12:59No.
13:02Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:04You know, it's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:06It's a big deal.
13:07Brown James Bond.
13:08She's proud.
13:09You know.
13:10This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:12Imagine.
13:12Imagine it.
13:13Daniel Quick got me 20 M's for the last movie.
13:16My shadow will get 21.
13:18Just calm down.
13:19It's just an audition, yeah?
13:20Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:22Hello?
13:23Hello, bro.
13:24Can you tell her to call me soon she comes back in?
13:26Yes.
13:27Did you?
13:28I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:32I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
13:35Because, yo, yo, look at me.
13:37I'm proud of you.
13:39Yeah?
13:40Fucking James Bond.
13:41Come on, my guy.
13:42Let's see.
13:42Let's see what happens.
13:42Of course, inshallah.
13:43But do they know about the height?
13:45What do you mean?
13:47They're going to give you special shoes like James Bond's a big, isn't it?
13:53I'm just saying it for you.
13:55For you.
13:59Hey, Felicia.
13:59Can you call me back, please?
14:00I'm just wondering if the, you know, audition news league thing has helped me or, you know,
14:04fuck me.
14:05I haven't ever been around you.
14:06Oh, you see!
14:15A few of.
14:24I maybe.
14:30You've got to leave it.
14:32Okay, hope.
14:33You're all right.
14:34You are all right.
14:35Whatever you all answered ever later, couldn't you all be요?
14:35You should see something to say much.
14:37Yeah, yeah, yeah, where you been?
14:40Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed, what the fuck you think?
14:43Listen, did you call the pap?
14:45I'm not that clever.
14:46What are they saying? Are they pissed?
14:48Well, they are very surprised.
14:51About how much you're trending.
14:54And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
14:58Fuck! Yes!
15:00You plus a female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s,
15:03and you know that demographic gets them wet.
15:04Oh, my God.
15:05So, listen. Sit tight and let this play out.
15:09Oh, my God.
15:11Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:14God bless you, Anthony.
15:16Yeah. So, just one thing.
15:18We can't just see how this plays out.
15:20We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:22Sure, I just told you. It's good you're trending.
15:25Look, I'm just thinking,
15:27unless you delete all the old music,
15:29just the really political bits, what do you think?
15:31As your agent, let me deal with that stuff.
15:35You just need to act.
15:36Listen, there's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
15:40It's already out there. All you can do is own it.
15:43That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
15:44Yes, fresh blood.
15:46So, new fans for the great old institution.
15:48Listen, don't find the thing that got you here, you know.
15:50Huh. Okay, okay.
15:51So, what are you saying?
15:52Maybe I should lean into it?
15:55Or...
15:55Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
15:57I could maybe do a little thing there.
15:59There's nothing to lean into.
16:00You just are.
16:01Listen.
16:02Just don't do anything and stay home.
16:04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:05Done.
16:20Don't do anything.
16:42Oh, shit.
16:44Hey.
16:45What are you doing here?
16:47Me? What are you doing here?
16:49Me all everywhere today.
16:53Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:11Look who's back on the street.
17:15What's up, brother?
17:16This shit blew up, huh?
17:18Yeah, it ain't put it in work.
17:18How many kids, brother?
17:19You killed it, man.
17:20What are you saying?
17:20Ammit.
17:21Yes, dude.
17:21What are you doing here, bro?
17:22Are you meant to be protecting Gotham City right now?
17:24What?
17:25No, it's not Gotham.
17:26Bro, don't you know?
17:27It's the new Batman.
17:28It's not fair, man.
17:29It's James Bond.
17:30Hey, bro.
17:31Easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
17:32This is just an audition.
17:33You know what?
17:34We need to take a big shot for the cops.
17:38It's safe, man.
17:39All right, it's good to see you.
17:39I'm just thinking.
17:41What?
17:41Forget it.
17:42Forget it.
17:42It's cool, man.
17:43No, no, I'm just.
17:44Hold on.
17:45I just had a mad thought.
17:46Wouldn't it be sick if I warmed up for you tonight?
17:51Because I think the crowd would love it.
17:52It'd be like a reunion.
17:53It'd be like old times, bro.
17:54Like, how dare you, bro?
17:56You know?
17:56Nothing.
17:57You just come back.
17:58You act like you fucking own this place.
18:00Walking through here, like, look at me, look at me.
18:02Brother, I didn't mean it like that.
18:04I didn't mean it.
18:08I didn't mean it like that.
18:09You're a dickhead.
18:10You're a dickhead.
18:11I can't act to hustle, man.
18:12Yo, maybe, yeah.
18:14I'm thinking maybe I could come through the crowd, like, you know, like the old days.
18:18Well, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:19Watch out, man.
18:20There's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now.
18:23Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
18:25It's all bullshit.
18:28London, are you ready for a taste?
18:29Yeah!
18:30I know.
18:30It's all bullshit.
18:39I won't hear you.
18:41I can't hear you.
18:44You can't hear you.
18:52I can't hear you.
18:54I can't hear you.
18:55I can't hear you.
18:59Yes, yes, wrong man.
19:01Special Captain C in the buildings.
19:03MC.
19:04Let's go.
19:31Let's go.
19:32Let's go.
19:32Give me a message.
19:33Give me a message.
19:34We can go on the right path.
19:35We are stuck.
19:37We forgive everyone, Mr. Moolah.
19:43Yes, the Messiah is far away from him.
19:45Allah is the only one.
20:08R. Sunami.
20:11Fuck.
20:12Fuck.
20:13Yeah?
20:14007.
20:43Shah Latif, welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart's with me, Sir Patrick Stewart's.
20:49It's an honor to be here.
20:50The honor is all mine.
20:52I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast.
20:55Plus, few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
20:59It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:01Now, I know a Bond or two.
21:03Daniel Craig's, a dear friend.
21:05Big shoes to fill.
21:07Do you think you're up to the job?
21:10Yes.
21:12Yes, I do.
21:13Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:23Jar, Nigel Murray, how are you?
21:25Thank God.
21:26Good.
21:27At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:30Yeah, that's right.
21:31I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well.
21:35Do you do personal?
21:37Because I might have an event tonight.
21:38Yeah, I do the full service.
21:39Even got a food taster if you need one.
21:41There you go.
21:42Let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
21:43Yes.
21:44Yeah.
21:44So, the house has two points of entry.
21:46Hostile object into the front bay window.
21:49Those and the doors may need reinforcing.
21:50And I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
21:5460 friendlies expected tomorrow.
21:56Oh, you really know your stuff?
21:57Well, I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:01Yes.
22:02Yes, yes, you did.
22:03They got a lot of shit wrong on that, sir.
22:04Come on.
22:05Okay.
22:06Your guests are for Edel Fett here, I presume.
22:09Yeah?
22:09Yeah.
22:10Okay.
22:10Yeah.
22:10Yeah, just trying to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:12Yeah, come on.
22:13Sure.
22:13It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:17I know it's hard to defend a position at higher altitude, isn't it?
22:19Yeah.
22:20Okay.
22:20Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:22Yeah.
22:22Do you agree you can't really act this role?
22:25Part of you has to be it.
22:27Absolutely.
22:28Absolutely.
22:29Yeah.
22:32Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:36Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
22:40You just got here.
22:41Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
22:43Thank you for sorting it out, Felicia.
22:44I'll speak to you later about the caller.
22:45All right?
22:45Why?
22:46What are you showing me right now?
22:47It's a hotel.
22:48Okay?
22:48They do free stays for celebs.
22:49Like Michelle Yeoh, Digga Dee, fucking Northwest Nanny.
22:53And?
22:54Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
22:55It's a five-star safe house.
22:57All of us, one week, is free.
22:59Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:00Yeah?
23:01Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:03I'm dealing with it.
23:04I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:06You don't need to be afraid.
23:07I'm not afraid.
23:08What are you talking about, man?
23:17Bro, what the fuck's all this?
23:19What does it look like?
23:20Security costs.
23:21I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:23Chew your pom-pom out.
23:24Learn from that, man.
23:25It's not fucking movie, yeah?
23:26Is it?
23:27What are you going to ask me?
23:27You got this from?
23:28All this?
23:30Allah provides, bro.
23:32Does he?
23:32Yes.
23:32Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:34I know these guys, well, they're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:37Which ISIS?
23:37ISIS-K, ISIS-L, OG ISIS.
23:40They've got different standards.
23:42I've heard.
23:46They're only PhDs, do they?
23:47They're hard as fucking a committed.
23:48Takbir.
23:50I'm not trying to start a madrasa, yeah?
23:52I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
23:54If you could just listen to me for once.
23:56If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
23:59You like that one of the tiny lundi, yeah?
24:01Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:02I'm going to shut it up.
24:03We have to discuss this.
24:05Doing my dutte in every day.
24:07Baba?
24:09What are you doing?
24:10Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:12That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:13That's why I've hired a professional.
24:15I'm a professional.
24:16I'm not doubting that.
24:17If you let me do it, then it'll be better for everyone.
24:19Sean Conley to the rescue, is it?
24:22How do you understand?
24:23Shah, brother.
24:25Shah, you better be a janu and help me take this to the car.
24:27I...
24:27Let's go.
24:29Sixty people is a lot for Eid.
24:30Your mommy needs my help.
24:35What are you doing?
24:37What are you doing?
24:38Chill, mommy.
24:39Bastard, you chill.
24:40Twenty fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
24:42Already bringing her country swelling.
24:44Kebabs.
24:45I like kebabs.
24:46You're tired, huh?
24:46You're tired, huh?
24:48Naila!
24:49Hey, it's a joint effort.
24:52I'm just doing my part.
24:53No, no, no, you've done already so much.
24:55Shah, Shah, take the pots inside.
24:56Why are you giving 990 more work?
24:58It's nothing, Daira.
24:59I was telling you, I could be doing so much more.
25:02Last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here, right?
25:05Why not move into my house?
25:07Who's not safe?
25:09Everybody, stop, stop here, Baba.
25:11Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:12Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:13Right, let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:15Sure plan, yeah?
25:16What?
25:17Outsourcing our protection.
25:18There is free Mesa nonce learning.
25:20Should have gone to the hotel.
25:21I just hit it to help secure the house.
25:23Look, Daira.
25:24There is nothing here, house won't be ready.
25:25Food won't be ready.
25:26Naila, Naila, please, Shah, Shah.
25:28Sorry, guys, the Prophet, please be upon him.
25:30Sorry, sorry.
25:31Exactly, exactly.
25:32He said it best when he said,
25:34trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
25:38Micah, he knows his stuff.
25:40You're going to hand it to him.
25:41I just want to say that holy days like this
25:42are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
25:44so perhaps you should think about moving your Eid celebrations
25:46to a different location.
25:47Hey, Benchot, stop.
25:48One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
25:50No, I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture,
25:52especially after six doors of Afghanistan.
25:57You're working on a pretty good thing.
26:00You don't have to worry about it.
26:01Naila Ji, we'll come back with you.
26:04Please, please.
26:05If something happened, you're responsible for your people.
26:08Okay, Naila Ji?
26:10Okay.
26:12Mommy, I didn't...
26:13Mommy?
26:17Lovely to meet the family.
26:18Colourful lot, aren't they?
26:19They really get after it.
26:21And your brother, he seems nice.
26:24He's not my brother.
26:25He's my cousin.
26:26But he was raised with us.
26:27Okay.
26:27It's complicated.
26:28All right, well, look.
26:29This is for you.
26:31There's your quote.
26:32Although, I would be willing to postpone payment,
26:36you know, in consideration of future work.
26:39Because if my internet searches are correct,
26:40then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
26:42Oh, well, let's see what happens.
26:45It's really reasonable.
26:46Could you just leave it with me?
26:47I'm getting a few different quotes in.
26:48That's fine.
26:49Okay.
26:49Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
26:52I can send one of my best guys.
26:53What are you doing?
26:54You asked me to do security, you know?
26:56For tonight?
26:56I did.
26:57Him?
26:58Yeah, so I won't be needing it.
26:59Thank you for coming by.
27:00Yeah, no, absolute pleasure.
27:02Yeah.
27:03Well, oh, by the way,
27:04they're stolen dash cams.
27:05The battery life is...
27:06So, bring a charger.
27:08All right.
27:08You can have that for free.
27:10Cheers, Nigel.
27:11Why are you wasting your money on these render faces, bro?
27:14I've had your back since day.
27:24I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:27On your own, or...
27:31I've got a plus one.
27:33Is it?
27:35You've got any shoes on trainers?
27:38Can I range it?
27:40Oh, get rid of you, fucker.
28:02Wait, that is a proper go-fuck out of there.
28:05It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:06All right, bro.
28:07You might be taking care of the muscle,
28:08but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:11What?
28:11When you're in the middle of a culture board,
28:12that's the real battleground.
28:13Big man, how are you going to fucking battle them
28:15with your horny make-up face?
28:16What?
28:17You know the face that you do
28:18when you're on the red carpet.
28:19It looks like you're trying to shag that camera,
28:21but you're worried the camera's going to shag you back.
28:22No, I'm not.
28:22Don't put that in my head right now.
28:23You're going to put me off.
28:25Okay.
28:25For confirmation, because...
28:26What is that?
28:27Yeah?
28:27What, man?
28:28I look good there.
28:28You look like you're making a pervy version
28:30of fucking planet Earth.
28:31All right, let me just eat something.
28:33Raj Dekka?
28:35Motherfucker.
28:35It's...
28:36All right, all right.
28:36Don't jizz on my level of seats.
28:37You can't afford to clean your feet.
28:38Okay, listen.
28:39Let's just go there and smash it, all right?
28:40Well, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
28:42We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
28:44Look at this.
28:45Alal Harry Bowls.
28:46Customs, specifically branded Zamzam water.
28:48Your little mini dildo on the dashboard.
28:50Kaz, look at me.
28:51We are arriving like this is fast and furious,
28:53but without the four skins.
28:54You understand?
28:55Come on.
28:55Let's get it, Kaz, yeah?
28:56Yeah, you ready?
28:57Yes, bro.
28:58Yeah.
29:00Come on.
29:00Don't do that on the red carpet.
29:01I can't guarantee it.
29:14There's a lot of excitement,
29:15but also some displeasure
29:18at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:21Proving those voices wrong
29:22has been my life's mission.
29:24How so?
29:25Oh, it's why I want the role.
29:27It's why I'm here speaking to you.
29:29Is that why you wanted to make a speech
29:30at the King's Museum Gala?
29:33Exactly.
29:33To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
29:36To show them that this, too,
29:38is what British looks like.
29:44Hey, yo, listen.
29:45I support the team.
29:46I support the team.
29:46But when you finish tonight,
29:48please get home with Muba, okay?
29:49That's for you.
29:50Sorry there's no service in your area.
29:52I'm Turkish.
29:53You're Turkish?
29:54Then there's service in your area.
29:55Excuse me, sister.
29:56No!
29:58Shut up!
29:59MC Rickshaw, mate!
30:02Can I get a pic?
30:03You want a pic?
30:04I'll kill you next week.
30:05Hey, yo, cuz!
30:06Cuz!
30:06Come and get a picture
30:07with your one and only fan.
30:08Come on.
30:09Oi!
30:10Bro, you're ignoring me.
30:11Bro, we gotta go, man.
30:12Why are you going in there?
30:14Man, slow down!
30:16You should be out here with us.
30:18Hey, yo, yo, yo.
30:18Let's wear the photo with you.
30:19What's the problem?
30:20Bro, if I get a photo take with him,
30:21it's not the right image
30:23I'm going for right now, all right?
30:24The real change happens in the air.
30:25We gotta get in the air.
30:28Listen, I know you think
30:29you're His Majesty's Secret Service
30:31or something, eh?
30:31But don't go full coconut pussy
30:33all around me tonight.
30:33Oh, yeah?
30:34Then don't go into father
30:35fuckboy on me, then.
30:36You want to respect my guy?
30:37Keep it real, yeah?
30:38Okay, why don't you respect this?
30:39Watch and learn.
30:43You're doing it again?
30:44I'm not doing the face.
30:45You're doing the face again.
30:45I'll go and then you do the face again.
30:46All right, let me show you.
30:49Nah.
30:49You know what that is?
30:50You're like a paedophile gerbil, bro.
30:52There's cameras.
30:53Why would you say paedophile gerbil, bro?
30:54Because they've got a sound.
30:55It's fault.
30:55Mr. Lateef?
30:55Hi.
30:56So happy you've been here.
30:57I'm so glad to be here.
30:59This is my associate,
31:00Magar Machika Lund.
31:01Can I ask who I might speak to
31:04about my speech this evening?
31:05Oh, but don't you have your done
31:06as doing this for you?
31:07Oh, I think it's because
31:08I'm a last-minute addition.
31:11Well, live your new house, I suppose.
31:13Yeah.
31:14She's our new director.
31:15Okay.
31:15Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one.
31:19Mr. Zouflicard,
31:20CEO of Move Enterprises.
31:22I just think it should be
31:22like an official record
31:23that I'm here tonight, so thank you.
31:27Cos, where the fuck
31:28have you bought us, man?
31:29This looks like the Jaws bull sack.
31:31You're from humble beginnings like me.
31:33So, how's your family
31:35dealing with all this?
31:37The same way we deal with everything.
31:38It's a team, together.
31:40I'm proud to say that
31:41we've all got each other's backs.
31:44Bro, this is mine.
31:45Yeah, I told you, bro.
31:46I've got a stuffed cookie.
31:47As-salamu alaykum.
31:48As-salamu alaykum.
31:49Sorry.
31:52All right.
31:54We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
31:56Yeah?
31:56No point in me being here
31:57if I can't get on stage.
31:58Yeah, she's.
31:59Museum director, yeah?
32:00My God.
32:01What the fuck are you, bro?
32:03Some evil, bro.
32:04Look at this.
32:04All right, listen.
32:05I'm going to work on it.
32:06Hey, you.
32:06Should we tag team her?
32:07What?
32:08Not like that.
32:09I mean, like,
32:10convince her together, like,
32:11good paki, bad paki.
32:13What would that be like?
32:14Oh.
32:15Like, good cop, bad cop.
32:16What would that be like?
32:18What would that be like?
32:18I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:20You sure, yeah?
32:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:21In a bit.
32:21I'll be here.
32:24Sing, let me tell you about this.
32:25Have you said that any more mummies
32:26are beginning to have any
32:27or complex?
32:29He didn't get it.
32:30I'm giving you
32:31in your income.
32:32Oh.
32:34I'm Vivian.
32:35Charlotte Eve.
32:36Oh, yes.
32:37Of course, Mr. Lateef.
32:38I wonder if I could
32:38borrow you for a moment.
32:39Oh, absolutely.
32:40Although anything borrowed
32:41has to be given back now, apparently.
32:43What can I do for you, Mr. Lateef?
32:45I was actually wondering
32:45what I might be able
32:46to do for you.
32:47There's nobody like Muslims
32:48that can get you
32:49to where you need to be on time.
32:50Brother, we are on time
32:51for prayers five times a day.
32:52If you call me,
32:53brr, brr,
32:54Zulfi,
32:54can you get me
32:55to where I need to go?
32:56I'll get you there.
32:56This museum means
32:57a great deal to me,
32:58and I saw you had
32:59a number of protesters outside.
33:01Yes, and it thrills me
33:02to see young people
33:03engaging in a conversation
33:04about our shared
33:05heritage and culture.
33:06In fact,
33:07we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:08Is it a dialogue, though,
33:10if you don't have
33:10an ambassador of sorts
33:11to help bridge the divide
33:12between those on the inside
33:13and those out there?
33:14Who's your name?
33:15Ali Reza.
33:16Ali Reza.
33:17I'm feeling the Iran.
33:18Yes.
33:18Yeah, a bit of Farsi,
33:19my guy, come on.
33:20You see, we could be
33:21in that region.
33:21I, for one,
33:22would be honoured
33:24to get up there
33:24and say a few words
33:25about how global
33:27Britain truly is,
33:28both in its artifacts
33:28and its people.
33:30You know, I'm an eighth Indian.
33:31I did not.
33:32Wow.
33:33What about yourself?
33:34Where are you from?
33:34London.
33:35You're from London?
33:36You sound...
33:38originally from London?
33:39But I understand
33:40your latest acquisition
33:41is from a Muslim country.
33:42Yes, but treasures
33:43like the one we're unveiling tonight
33:45don't just belong to Islam.
33:46They belong to us all.
33:47So I can go up
33:48and say a few words?
33:49I'll be very brief.
33:50No, Miss Latif.
33:52That's simply not
33:53how we do things around here.
33:54This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
33:55Besides, we already have
33:56our dear friend Raj Thakar
33:57giving a speech.
33:58Enjoy your evening.
34:01That's why I speak to him,
34:02Your Majesty.
34:07And now,
34:08to the more uncomfortable
34:09part of our chat.
34:11You didn't think
34:12this was going to be
34:13all softballs, did you?
34:15Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:17I wouldn't call it that.
34:18Come on, come on.
34:19You can be honest.
34:21I can't be in the same room
34:22as Ian Magneto McKellen.
34:24Oh, sorry.
34:25Sir, Ian Magneto McKellen.
34:27I just think
34:28that there's plenty of room
34:29for all of us at the top.
34:31Oh, please.
34:32A day ago,
34:33you were the only brown bloke
34:34up for the job.
34:35And now,
34:36there are two.
34:37And word on the web is
34:38he'd make a better bond.
34:40Yeah, well,
34:40I don't really pay attention
34:41to what people say about me.
34:42It's just not in my nature.
34:43You should, old chap.
34:45He's a bigger name
34:46with a bigger fan base.
34:48And I dare say
34:48he's thought of
34:49as a better actor.
34:51That's subjective.
34:52Cut the camel shit, Latif.
34:55You couldn't even convince
34:56that museum director
34:57to let you speak.
34:58How do you expect
34:59to convince the world
35:01that you can be Bond?
35:03You don't stand a chance
35:04in a horse pajamas,
35:06do you?
35:06You pussy home.
35:08Are you still going to
35:09disson, you bushcan?
35:13No use being angry with me.
35:16You only have yourself to blame.
35:18I'm trying.
35:19Try harder.
35:21Do you understand?
35:25Here he is.
35:26Hey.
35:27Hey, sure, I love this.
35:28Man, I haven't seen you
35:28in a minute, bro.
35:29How's it going?
35:30Yeah, when was the last time
35:31I saw you?
35:32Mango Tree Premiere.
35:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:34Thank you for coming.
35:35Man, you were so good in that.
35:37Did you guys see that?
35:37Under the Mango Tree.
35:39So it's about
35:40this magical mango tree.
35:41This white woman
35:41eats a mango.
35:42She travels back in time
35:43to colonial India.
35:44Falls in love
35:45with this Indian guy
35:46and they have this
35:46relationship over space
35:47and time that's about
35:49love's timeless
35:50and crosses all sorts
35:51of boundaries.
35:52I don't know
35:53why I didn't connect more.
35:54Actually, can I?
35:55Where are you from?
35:56Yeah, yeah.
35:56Just for, yeah.
35:57Thanks a lot.
35:58You look incredible,
35:59by the way.
36:00And very, very smart.
36:01Getting photographed
36:01in the tugs
36:02and holding that drink.
36:03It's just here
36:04to support one of our nation's
36:05most important
36:06cultural institutions.
36:07Um, just...
36:10One thing's called
36:11people going mental,
36:11hasn't it?
36:12Yeah, people are passionate, man.
36:14It's just the hate, though.
36:15The hate, it's a lot, right?
36:17I know you're probably
36:18getting a lot of that, too.
36:20Not really.
36:22Nothing to cry about.
36:23You just gotta stay grateful.
36:25People are busting their asses
36:27at dead-end jobs
36:27just to put food on the table.
36:29We live in the dream.
36:30Yeah.
36:30Yeah.
36:31There we are.
36:31Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
36:32It is.
36:33It's just some psycho
36:35sent a pig's head
36:35to my mum's house.
36:37Are you serious?
36:38Yeah.
36:39Fuckin' hell.
36:39That's actually why I'm here.
36:41I want to show them
36:43that no amount of hate
36:44is going to make me hide.
36:45And actually,
36:46if this museum
36:47can house treasures
36:48from all around the world,
36:49then this country
36:50has to take in people
36:51from all around the world.
36:52Am I right?
36:52Yeah, preach.
36:53I just want to make a statement
36:55showing that this,
36:56this too
36:57is what British looks like.
36:58I love the passion, man.
37:00I'm so glad you said that
37:01because I heard
37:01that you're speaking later
37:02and I was thinking
37:03maybe we could tag team it.
37:04Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:06Yeah.
37:06You've got something important to say.
37:08I want to be a part of that.
37:09Yeah.
37:09I tell you what,
37:10why don't I go up first
37:10and then I'll bring you up.
37:12I would love that.
37:13Thank you, my brother.
37:13Yeah, yeah.
37:14I love that, man.
37:15Of course.
37:15I really appreciate it.
37:16Yeah, there you are.
37:17Hey.
37:18I know you.
37:18This is my security guy.
37:19The Mooba guy.
37:20Yeah, I overheard you
37:21chatted about it earlier.
37:22I love the concept.
37:23Thank you, brother.
37:24Are you musking?
37:26Aren't we all?
37:27A little.
37:28Yeah.
37:28Have you got a card?
37:29I'll spread the word.
37:30Nice.
37:32Yeah.
37:33Okay.
37:33I've got to go.
37:34That's my mom.
37:35You've got your mom?
37:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:36I wouldn't be here without her,
37:38so I shouldn't be here
37:39without her, you know?
37:40It's all thicker.
37:41That's me.
37:41That's me.
37:42Good to see you, man.
37:42Yeah, you too.
37:46He's either the sweetest twat
37:49I've ever met
37:49or the thickest twat.
37:51Do I think twat?
37:52Why?
37:53Security guy.
37:55That's what I have to do.
37:56You literally told me
37:57to bring it here as security.
37:58Why are you getting cranky?
37:59Oh, you had a broken fast, huh?
38:01No, I haven't.
38:02Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:03Did you eat a canapé?
38:04Champagne, did you?
38:04Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:07Have a little something to eat.
38:09Nothing here.
38:09It's halal.
38:10None of the little things,
38:10the big things, none of it.
38:11Have some halumi.
38:12Halumi.
38:13Halumi's not Israeli.
38:14That's what they want you to think.
38:15It's an Arabic cheese.
38:16Prove it to me.
38:17Google it.
38:17You know I don't use Google.
38:23Do you find?
38:26Good evening.
38:27In 2001, we watched in horror
38:31as Taliban fanatics laid waste
38:34to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
38:37We wept as monuments to peace
38:40were turned to rubble.
38:42But tonight, we right this wrong.
38:45After a nine-year, 15 million pound
38:48restoration project,
38:49it is my honor to present to you tonight
38:52the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:08And now an extra special treat.
39:10It is with great enthusiasm
39:12that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
39:15The most gentle mini vampire hunter
39:17I've ever had the pleasure of meeting,
39:19Raj Dakar.
39:27It's an honor to be here, I mean.
39:30Wow.
39:32This museum is home to artifacts
39:35from around the globe.
39:36And so it should follow that England, too,
39:39is home to people from those same places.
39:42Now, tonight is a celebration,
39:43but I would like to speak with you all
39:44about my experiences as an Englishman
39:47and as a person of color.
39:50Recently, racist hate
39:54took the form
39:56of a severed pig's head
39:58delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:01It was horrific.
40:03There was blood everywhere.
40:04My mother was left traumatized.
40:06Mommy, I'm sorry.
40:09But no amount of hate
40:10will make me hide.
40:13Those driven by prejudice,
40:16they need to see us
40:17in these spaces.
40:21And because this, too,
40:23is what British
40:24looks like.
40:30Excuse me, Mr. Latif.
40:32You have a situation?
40:33A man claiming to be your brother
40:34has been harassing
40:35and racially profiling
40:37museum guests.
40:39I'm afraid we're going to have to
40:40do this very special work.
40:41Oh, and, uh,
40:43Shah Latif wanted to say something, too.
40:45I'm about to go on, man.
40:46Shah?
40:47Otherwise, we're going to have to
40:48escort him off the premises immediately.
40:50I don't know.
41:07So, let's talk about
41:09your big moment.
41:10The speech that never was.
41:12A silky bit of spycraft
41:14from Thacker.
41:15He's clearly made for the role.
41:17Not to mention,
41:18he can get the bleeding lines out.
41:22Nine?
41:23I can do better.
41:24I can.
41:25Can you now?
41:27Let's see.
41:29I also had a pig's head
41:30sent to my mom's house.
41:35I, um...
41:36Nice one, dickhead.
41:38You're more frozen than me.
41:40But it's not your acting
41:42that's the problem, is it?
41:43It's who you are.
41:45You don't have the balls
41:47to be bombed.
41:49Hey, yo, cousin.
41:50Pardon my me.
41:51You want an only fan?
41:51You turned your back
41:53on your own fans.
41:55Man, so now!
41:56You turned your back
41:57on your own family.
41:59Look at the fuck
41:59with people.
42:01Face it.
42:03People like you
42:03were never the heroes
42:05of the story.
42:06You'll always just be
42:08a scared little
42:10packing.
42:15Send him back
42:16where he came from!
42:25and now he says
42:38and now he says
42:45you're out of sight.
42:51You okay?
42:52Yeah, are you?
42:53What were you doing?
42:55Nothing. What were you doing?
42:57Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
42:59Were you talking to someone or what?
43:02Sorry, mate. I was just running late.
43:04In a suit?
43:05Costume, innit?
43:07Yeah, well, the moon's been sighted, so...
43:10Eve Mubarak, yeah.
43:13And I ain't your weirdo.
43:17Eve Mubarak, bitch.
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