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TVTranscript
00:16It's the Boulay Brothers Halfway to Halloween TV Special, starring David Dasbalgen, Taryn
00:26Killam, Kevin Smith, Matthew Willard, Rachel True, Quinn Temple, Garrick Mears,
00:49and hold me tight, and keep a kissing me, sweetie, oh, what a night.
00:59Jorge Garcia, Barbara Crampton, Felissa Rose,
01:12Katya Zamalochikova, Steve Agee, Beth Dover,
01:20The Nightmare Girls, Coco Kane, Melissa B. Pierce, and Kendra Onyx,
01:28Dana DiLorenzo, John Ross Bowie, Eve Dostmalchik, Sigourney Beaver,
01:53and the Queens of Darkness themselves, your hunting hosts for the evening,
02:00the Boulay Brothers.
02:05Welcome to the show, darlings, and happy halfway to Halloween.
02:12As we all know, there are so many of you little goblins and gooly-goos out there who just love
02:17all things Halloween and horror, but unfortunately, you've got another six months into your favorite
02:22holiday is here.
02:23And we feel it would just be cruel to make you wait all through the spring and summer just
02:27to get your fiendish fix.
02:28So, we've decided, as the newest self-appointed sentinels of Samhain,
02:33to give you a little sustenance by creating our own holiday special
02:37that will give you a sinful serving of Halloween and horror
02:40that is guaranteed to keep you well-fed until October 31st.
02:45You see, tonight, we've put a special call-out to all of our fellow famous monsters
02:50to come together and join us for a sinister spectral spectacular
02:53filled with blood, gore, witches, vampires, and all things that go bump in the night
03:00for a halfway to Halloween celebration.
03:04So, why don't you just go ahead and turn down the lights,
03:07lock your doors, and pull those covers up over your heads because...
03:12It's time for the Boulay Brothers Halfway to Halloween TV special to begin!
03:16Aww!
03:28Aww!
03:30Aww!
03:39Wow!
03:42AHHHH!
03:44chce seve
03:44a
03:44is
03:45a
03:46want
03:46I mean, what's the deal with pitchforks?
03:48I've never seen a villager bale hay.
03:52Well, I quit my job.
03:54You quit?
03:56I quit.
03:57Get out.
03:59Why'd you do that?
04:00I can't work for that guy anymore.
04:02He's insane.
04:03Literally.
04:05What did you expect?
04:07He's a mad scientist.
04:11You know, you never see any normal scientists.
04:14They're all mad.
04:15Dad, just once, I'd love to work for a normal scientist.
04:20You know what this means, Igor.
04:23Without a job, you're going to have to move back in with your parent.
04:29Great.
04:30I give up one mad scientist for two mad parents.
04:34Maybe it won't be so bad.
04:36Maybe one person who's more insane than my parents.
04:42Hmm.
04:45Well, full moon.
04:48So?
04:48So?
04:49So what?
04:51Look at my face.
04:53It's covered with fur.
04:54I got fangs.
04:56Just don't kill anyone.
04:58This isn't going to kill anybody.
05:00You're a werewolf.
05:01It's what you do.
05:02You kill people.
05:03Oh.
05:04I can manage to not kill anybody for one full moon.
05:08You.
05:09You can't go one full hour without killing somebody.
05:12I can last longer than you.
05:16Care to make it interesting?
05:21What are you thinking?
05:23I'll bet you a hundred dollars you kill someone before me.
05:27I want in on them.
05:28Okay, deal.
05:29Hey, count me in two.
05:30You?
05:31Yeah.
05:31You don't kill people.
05:32You're a lab assistant.
05:33We're monsters.
05:34We kill people.
05:36Oh.
05:36I kill people.
05:38What do you think I do on my days off?
05:39Okay, but you're going to have to put in more money.
05:42Yeah.
05:43Five hundred bucks.
05:46Deal.
05:47All right.
05:49Get them up.
05:51Now, may the best monster or lab assistant win.
06:07What do you want to eat?
06:09Huh?
06:17Time to die.
06:18Yeah.
06:22Jimmy, I've told you, playing with dolls is for girls.
06:24Now, get ready for bed.
06:29Hey, kids.
06:30Do you want to kill your awful parents, but you're not sure how to hide the body?
06:33Well, have we got the answer for you.
06:36Introducing the Easy Cake Cremation Oven.
06:42Simply murder your parents.
06:48Dismember their bodies.
06:50And set your cremation ovens to 1600 degrees Fahrenheit and watch your worries disappear.
07:01Oh, look, it's Mommy's wedding lamp.
07:06Kids, what's that smell?
07:09Smells like something's burning.
07:11Let me give you a hand.
07:13That's what we were hoping.
07:16The new Easy Cake Cremation Oven comes with everything you see here.
07:20Light bulb not included.
07:36Nothing quite says Halloween like murdering your family, does it?
07:42Absolutely not.
07:43I mean, just look at Michael Myers.
07:46He's made a killing out of it.
07:50Well, speaking of Michael Myers and murder, that reminds me.
07:53We've already seen the devil, a werewolf, an Igor, and a Frankenstein Seinfeld.
07:58But we haven't really seen any blood yet.
08:00And I'm starting to get a little thirsty.
08:04Me too.
08:05What about you, darlings?
08:07Are you ready for a little blood?
08:09Well, I hope you are, because coming up next, we've got a campground slasher, a satanic siren,
08:15and a trip to the puppet theater that you won't soon forget.
08:18So without further ado, let's begin the next abominable act by welcoming to the stage
08:24the satanic singing sensations themselves, the one and only Twin Temple.
08:31Yeah.
08:42Alright.
08:50Alright.
14:26Right, Johnny?
14:28I'm sorry I was such a dick my whole life.
14:31Too late.
14:36So if you're looking for the next greatest...
14:42Just one.
15:00So anyway, you should call us today, Camp Happy Trail,
15:05to begin your new journey in a whole new life without any baggage today.
15:12Call 1-800-CAMP-KIDS to book your child's day today.
15:39Sorry, I didn't see you standing there.
15:40Greetings!
15:41Oils and ghouls, witchy poos and boo berries.
15:44It's that time of year, the perfect time of year for a horror comic.
15:48And you think comic books are just spandex and superheroes?
15:50Think again, my friend.
15:51Horror comics have been around since the 1940s.
15:54From Dr. Occult to...
15:59Huh.
16:00These things were so spooky that even the government tried to get them banned.
16:04There were Senate hearings in 1954,
16:07blaming horror comics for juvenile delinquency.
16:11It was...
16:16And you know what we have to say to censorship, don't you?
16:19We say, fuck censorship with a witch's broken tit.
16:22That's what we...
16:27Okay.
16:28Maybe I'm getting a little too freaked out reading this thing.
16:31But you know what? I gotta find out how it ends.
16:33So, if you'll excuse me.
16:35Excuse me.
16:52Good evening, my frightful fanatics.
16:55My deathly devotees.
16:58Tonight's tale takes us into the world of a loving puppet maker.
17:03And his wife.
17:04The puppets are their children.
17:07And you know what they say about children.
17:09They see all.
17:13Even when we think they aren't watching.
17:43The puppeteer loved his children.
17:46His puppets with all his heart.
17:49Have some hot tea, my dear.
17:52Your cough will wake the dead.
17:54Thank you, my love.
17:56Oh, of course, my dove.
17:59Now, now, let me get back to work.
18:01Our little children need me.
18:12The puppeteer loved performing, and his wife helped to run their struggling business.
18:20But, alas, the life of a puppeteer's wife isn't resplendent with the fancy mink stalls and jewelry that the puppeteer's
18:29wife felt she deserved.
18:31But she had a plan that she had been implementing slowly but surely, drop by drop, for quite some time.
19:03She cashed in his life insurance and sold the old theater where the puppeteer had plied his trade.
19:09And then, she planned to sell all of the puppets that people would be willing to buy.
19:15And for those that didn't...
19:17And these old puppets can just go in the trash.
19:20They're just wood and string.
19:23Wood and string.
19:27Worthless.
19:30Wood and string.
19:32Wood and string.
19:34Wood and string.
19:38Wood and string.
19:40Wood and string.
19:41Wood and string.
19:42Wood and string.
19:43Wood and string.
19:46Wood and string.
19:47Wood and string.
19:47Wood and string.
19:47Wood and string.
19:47Wood and string.
19:47Wood and string.
19:48Wood and string.
19:51Wood and string.
20:09What an string, what an string, isn't life a funny thing?
20:48I'm afraid that it's a thing, isn't it?
21:01Now that was some scary shit, kids.
21:04But, it's just a comic book.
21:06Absolutely nothing to be scared of.
21:10Because...
21:15Oh, shit!
21:16Oh, shit!
21:36Now that was entertaining.
21:42Twin Temple are so cool.
21:47I just love the devil.
21:52While Halloween may be all about monsters, horror, and getting scared,
21:56we mustn't forget that it's also all about candy and treats.
21:59And we happen to have a special guest chef here on hand
22:01who is going to give you a lesson on how to make some quick, delicious holiday fare
22:05that is sure to satiate all of the little trick-or-treaters in your neighborhood.
22:09And, speaking of creepy cuisine,
22:11we also have a super weird musical guest who came here all the way from Russia
22:15just to perform a song that celebrates her favorite Halloween treat, ravioli.
22:24Bon appetit, uglies, and let the show begin.
22:29Ravioli.
22:54Hello, darlings.
22:55I'm Barbara Crampton.
22:57Welcome to my kitchen.
22:58I'm going to teach you how to prepare some of my favorite, fast, spooky recipes
23:05that are guaranteed to make you feel like the season of the witch is right around the corner.
23:12I'll start things off with a finger food recipe.
23:17Crush the meat around the bone and the knuckles so that you can loosen them up.
23:22So, I'm using a nutcracker.
23:25Oh, my God, that's amazing.
23:27Do you hear that crunch?
23:28It's going to be delicious.
23:30And then you want to sprinkle a little bit of lemon.
23:34Then some extra virgin olive oil.
23:37I always use it.
23:38Don't they look delicious?
23:40I might have to take a bit of see of one.
23:46Next, brain fishy swat.
23:49Oh, good.
23:50Here, we're going to take a fresh head.
23:54Crack open the cranium.
23:56Ready?
24:00Oh, my gosh.
24:02Well, you know, it gets a little messy, but it's worth it.
24:06We're actually going to take the brain out of the skull.
24:11So, all that delicious juice in there.
24:14I'm going to lift this up.
24:16There we go.
24:17Oh, my God, that looks amazing.
24:20And we're going to take that and pop it just like that.
24:24Bam!
24:25Beef roth.
24:27There you go.
24:28I didn't measure, but I think that should be good.
24:31I think this is the best part of the whole recipe.
24:34Pig's feet.
24:35Yummy.
24:37Mash that in.
24:38Maybe, I don't know, one more.
24:40That didn't feel like quite enough.
24:42It already sounds delicious.
24:46Perfect.
24:47Look at that beautiful crimson color.
24:49That is going to be amazing.
24:53Oh, my gosh.
24:55We're going to take the whole head and bake it in the oven for about two hours.
25:01Ooh, la, la.
25:04Ha, ha.
25:06As you can see, the finished dish is just, well, to die for.
25:13Last but not least is our main course, which is a classic cannibal charcoal barbecue.
25:21See what I did there?
25:24Now, as you can see, I already have a fresh carcass, but what I'm going to show you is how
25:30to glaze it.
25:31Now, first, you want to take the giblets out.
25:36Yeah, they're a little stringy, but they're going to be so yummy.
25:41My hands got a little, I don't know, red from all the blood.
25:44I got to wipe them off.
25:46Yeah, that's good.
25:49Now, you're going to mix this right up with some other stuff.
25:52First, we have a little soy sauce.
25:54Pour that right in.
25:56Yeah.
25:57Everybody loves ketchup.
25:58You can put it on anything.
26:00That is going to be amazing.
26:02Now, just toss it all over the crispy exterior of the body.
26:08Ha, ha.
26:10So, voila, that's all the time we have today, my friends.
26:15I hope you enjoy making these recipes with your family as much as I enjoyed making them with your family.
26:23Happy halfway to Halloween, ghouls.
26:25And we'll see you next time on From Beyond Barbara's Kitchen.
26:30It's delicious.
26:36Do you have questions about your love life?
26:38Do you wonder if you'll meet the man of your dreams?
26:40Are you curious about how many kids you'll have or how rich you'll be one day?
26:43Do you want to know if your husband is cheating on you?
26:46Well, now you can get the answers to all of these questions and more by calling us here at the
26:49Halfway to Halloween Hotline.
26:51Everybody knows Halloween is the time when our world is closest to the spirit world.
26:56But if you need help now, our Halfway to Halloween operators are standing by to connect you directly to some
27:04spooky spirits who can answer all your psychic questions.
27:09And more.
27:12Let's take a call now and I'll show you how easy it is.
27:18Hello, caller.
27:19How can we help you?
27:20Oh, yeah.
27:21That slutty witch costume is so fucking hot.
27:24Oh, I just want to stick my face in your...
27:26Whoa.
27:28Uh-huh.
27:29Let's move on to the next caller.
27:32Hello, stranger.
27:34How can we help you?
27:36Hi.
27:36My mom doesn't know I'm gay, but I was...
27:38Yes, she does.
27:40And it's your best friend.
27:42She's the one.
27:43Are you sure?
27:44The spirits can see that.
27:46Well, no.
27:46But honestly, your friend sounds like a real bitch.
27:50Oh, my gosh.
27:51You helped me so much.
27:52Oh, thank you.
27:53Bye-bye now.
27:55Bye.
27:55God, what a fucking loser.
27:57Excuse me?
27:59Hello?
28:00Knock, knock.
28:00Uh, who's there?
28:02I'm glad you asked.
28:03For an easy payment of $59.99 per minute, you can have these answers and more.
28:08Hi.
28:08So I have a stalker and I want to know if he's watching me now.
28:11Ooh, okay.
28:12Let me see what my tarot cards hold for you.
28:19Oh, the death card.
28:20Uh, death does not necessarily mean you're going to die.
28:26See, the death card holds many meanings.
28:29You know, in some cultures, death means rebirth.
28:35Hello?
28:38Call us now at the Halfway to Halloween hotline and get your questions answered today.
28:46Our service and website are for entertainment only.
28:47This service is for adults 18 years of age and older.
29:11How about you?
33:08Happy Halloween night.
33:09Now, now.
33:11You don't want to spoil the surprise.
33:17And speaking of surprises, we have one of our own coming up right after our next naughty
33:22narration.
33:23Stay tuned, Douglies.
33:36Look, okay?
33:37Don't be nervous.
33:38I don't.
33:38We have already done it with a few girls now, and you promised we could do it with
33:41a guy next.
33:42Yeah, I know.
33:43Come on, baby.
33:45It's our anniversary.
33:46Be adventurous.
33:47But what if he tries something with me?
33:50I didn't.
33:51I didn't.
33:51That is going to be fine.
33:52If he tries something...
33:53He's gonna...
33:53I mean...
33:54He's gonna have that.
33:55I know.
33:58Oh!
34:00Oh, my God.
34:01I think that's him.
34:02Yeah.
34:02I think...
34:03Hi!
34:03Hi.
34:04Uh...
34:04Go, go, get...
34:05Go around!
34:06Go around!
34:06Let him in!
34:07Let him in!
34:07Okay, okay.
34:08That scared me, but...
34:09Wait, how do I look?
34:10How do I look?
34:11Good?
34:12Okay, good.
34:12Okay.
34:13Let him in!
34:13Let him in!
34:13Yep!
34:16Okay.
34:18How do I look?
34:21Whoa!
34:27You...
34:27You are...
34:29much bigger in real life.
34:31Yeah.
34:33That's what they always say.
34:34I bet they do.
34:37Oh, my God!
34:38Oh, my God!
34:39Oh, my God!
34:39Oh, my God!
34:40Please don't...
34:41Uh...
34:42I'm a lumberjack.
34:43I thought you said you read my profile.
34:45I don't read!
34:47Shiva!
34:47I did, and I forgot to tell you he's a lumberjack.
34:48You didn't tell me!
34:49He's a lumberjack!
34:51I forgot to tell you.
34:51You gotta tell me he's a lumberjack.
34:52He's a lumberjack.
34:53I'm so sorry.
34:54Okay.
34:54Please sit down.
34:56I'll, uh, get some drinks for us.
34:58You...
34:58You have an axe!
35:00That's awesome!
35:02Look, I just have to ask.
35:04Do you do this sort of thing often?
35:06Oh, yeah.
35:07Sometimes couples just need someone to come into their relationship and, uh, tear them up.
35:14You know what I mean.
35:16Yeah.
35:17I mean, I...
35:17I don't know if we're looking for all that, but...
35:21It's like sometimes they start off just wanting to have a little bit of fun.
35:25Once I get started, I get out of control.
35:30Before you know it, I get so heated up and I just...
35:34No!
35:35I wanna split them both in two.
35:36Oh, God.
35:37Okay.
35:38Tired.
35:39Look, we are very excited for what happens next.
35:44Um...
35:44Uh...
35:44Just be gentle.
35:45You know what?
35:46I am going to get into something a little more comfortable.
35:50And I want you two to bond.
35:52Okay?
35:54It's gonna be great.
35:55Wait till you see what she has planned for you.
35:58It's gonna be amazing.
36:09Alright, guys.
36:10That's what I'm talking about.
36:13Ah!
36:16Oh, my God!
36:18It hurts!
36:19It hurts!
36:21Boys, make sure you save some for me!
36:33Oh, my God!
36:40Alright, boys.
36:42I'm coming.
36:45I can't take him.
36:47He's too big!
36:49Oh, my God!
36:52Oh, my God!
36:53Oh, my God!
36:53Oh, my God!
36:54Oh, my God!
36:54Open up, baby.
36:56Don't be scared.
36:57It only hurts when it first goes in.
37:27No!
37:29No!
38:01No!
38:01If you want to know how to fly, then go on out to the place where all the concubines
38:05Feed in commerce with a marvel at their pale skin, wonder how they chew on their pointy teeth
38:10And their beauty, they know what their duty to be countess in their hearts
38:13And their minds, they'd have to whisper, see a nemesis to look into their eyes
38:17And you'll be in Transylvanian concubines
38:22You know what close their life are
38:26Stay here with us, it's just time
38:33Transylvanian concubines
38:35Sorrow is the master cat, calling with laughing out
38:37Is having just a one-face of cake
38:40He has a make-up cat, looks trying to shake apart things upon their hearts
38:43But they didn't criticize their song
38:47You know what they do is wrong
38:51Stay here with us, it's just time
38:58Transylvanian concubines
39:09I hear the love has lied it's Satan has been sighted
39:11Death, then has it been an evening like this?
39:14This is what they wanted always to be learned that you can never be too rich or too thin
39:18The blood has run out
39:21Time to win and make you proud
39:25Morning has come now, they will flow
39:29What have you learned from what has been shown?
39:37Transylation, confuby
39:39You know what clothes they like want
39:42Stand here with us, it's just time
39:50Transylation, confuby
39:54Transylation, confuby
39:56You know what clothes they like want
39:59Stand here with us, it's just time
40:07Transylation, confuby
40:09You know what clothes they like want
40:27I'm afraid that's all the time we have with you tonight, darlings
40:30We do hope you've enjoyed yourselves
40:32And we want to thank you all for joining us
40:34For our first Halfway to Halloween TV special
40:38Nightmare girls, take it away
40:40chilled out of the night
41:09Mayor of the
41:10I have trouble fighting this to fight
41:13The black rock in my mood for the night
41:16My rival flavor, non-carbonated
41:21Polyunsaturated blood
41:24Polyunsaturated blood
41:25No carbonated
41:28Polyunsaturated blood
41:29Tracking me one night at twelve
41:33This is a birthday cat, no wonder show
41:36I screamed, I'm fresh
41:38I'll give you a fix
41:40So my newly regenerated mix
41:42I gave him right to seven flames
41:45Non-carbonated
41:48Polyunsaturated blood
41:49Tracking me one night at twelve
41:51No carbonated
41:54Polyunsaturated blood
41:56It keeps you quickly fusedly
41:59From bang-aise to purple
42:02To fish-dumny
42:03Natrium
42:04Consuming my laboratory proof
42:06They'll make us sleep and bother you
42:09Yes, that's 4, 9, 11
42:12Only one calorie
42:15Polyunsaturated blood
42:16Jack can't join my crew and not a hitch
42:20Now it's all the way to spell the fight
42:23Then switch to your fighting more mess
42:25Join us
42:26Try my new non-carbonated maps
42:29My vinyl flavor flavor
42:32No carbonated
42:34Polyunsaturated blood
42:36Polyunsaturated blood
42:39deswegen Aqui está en츠ka
42:40Death
43:14Good night, uglies.
43:16We'll see you again on Halloween night.