- 2 days ago
In this animated pilot based on the SNL sketch, The Coneheads come to conquer Earth but they soon find themselves becoming domesticated.
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00:25Attention, citizens of planet Remulak.
00:29The gelatin pools will close in five time units.
00:34All hail Kaldroth, High Master of Seven Galaxies and Inheritor of the Megmasome Genetic Chain.
00:41Hail, High One.
00:44Enough. Allow me to felicitate you on your pair meeting.
00:49I trust your cones are now well honed.
00:52Yes, we did not leave our gloves chamber for 17 time units.
01:00You, Beldar, and you, Primat, have been chosen to assume a new position in our space program.
01:06High Master, we are honored to have been selected.
01:09Together my mate, Primat, and I can meet any challenge.
01:13What is it?
01:14You are to speed your way to a remote solar system on the frontier and seize a tiny planet inhabited
01:21by inferior beings who call themselves humans.
01:26Using these humans as a slave labor force, you will establish a minor protoid refueling station for my massive fleet
01:35of star cruisers on their way to mine the auric clouds of Glangzeep.
01:40This lyreflower catalog contains all you need to know about the earthlings and their ways.
01:56This structure is the United Nations. It houses an assembly of earth nations.
02:02You will land your star cruiser here and demand that the Secretary General of the United Nations report to you
02:10immediately.
02:12Beldar, we are approaching their puny solar system. Perhaps we should rehearse your speech again.
02:17Very well. I will put the guidance controls on automatic.
02:21Here.
02:22People of earth,
02:25Your weapons...
02:27I am Beldar, the timekeeper.
02:31People of earth, I am Beldar, the timekeeper from the planet Remulak.
02:39Your weapons are useless against us.
02:42I know, I know. I was only pausing.
02:44Well, you don't have to bite off my cone.
02:46Mibs.
02:46Mibs.
02:47Mibs.
02:48Mibs.
02:49Mibs.
02:50Mibs.
02:54Why do I not simply read the speech?
02:56Unacceptable. You must commit it to memory.
02:59Maintain low tones. Maintain low tones.
03:06Beldar, do you want me to guide the craft?
03:09Mibs. Mibs.
03:11Slow down, Beldar, or we will miss the planet entirely.
03:15Just provide me with the coordinate indices and leave the craft guidance to me.
03:19As I previously indicated, these are the coordinate indices.
03:24That is not what you showed me.
03:25Mibs.
03:26Mibs.
03:27Well, now we must stop and reassess our approach.
03:32You pointed to the left at the rings of Strogon.
03:35The indices clearly indicated that it was a right.
03:38I pointed to the right.
03:40I pointed to the right.
03:44Hoop, hoop, hoop, hoop.
04:21Maintain low, Tom.
04:32Slow down. Slow down, Beldar. The atmosphere.
04:59Ah, an urban complex. Perhaps that is the city of New York.
05:05None of my readings correlate. Beldar, I ask you, where are we?
05:09Primate, you do not respond well to stressful situations.
05:13Miss?
05:14Miss?
05:22I will open the fledg door manually.
05:27No! My speech!
05:37Once we have established a base of operations, we will construct a monotron crystal to inform Remulac of our situation.
05:43Yes. A rescue.
05:46Yes.
05:51People of Earth, I am Beldar, timekeeper from the planet Remulac.
05:55Your weapons are useless.
06:08Aparicio didn't like that call, and he's letting umpire Matty Coleman know about it.
06:12Now he's stepping back in the box, and here's the wind-up.
06:24Hey, what's going on here, fellas?
06:29Hello?
06:31Greetings.
06:32Person of Earth, your weapons are useless against us.
06:36Hey, who are you people?
06:37I am Beldar.
06:39Beldar?
06:40Correct.
06:41And this is my mate, Primat.
06:43Primat?
06:44Correct.
06:45These ion bombardment tube devices.
06:48They are your...
06:50televisions?
06:51Well, they're not mine.
06:52No, I repair them, and they've been stacking up lately.
06:56I can't seem to figure out these new Japanese sets.
06:59Japanese?
07:00Japanese.
07:01Inhabitants of the island nation of Japan,
07:03known for their social cohesiveness, inner discipline, and consumption of raw fish.
07:07Ah, this is a primitive device.
07:10Easily made serviceable.
07:13So, you dwell alone here in this thin methyl alloy box?
07:19Uh, yeah.
07:20Hey, careful with that high-voltage cathode.
07:23You sure you know what you're doing?
07:25Allow me.
07:27Let's see that again.
07:28A fantastic shoestring catch by Lopez to end the inning.
07:32So, after six and a half, it's New York 4, the Sox won.
07:37And now, let's take a seventh-inning stretch with a cool, refreshing Frosty Brew.
07:43Boy, you know, you'd do good work, Mr., uh...
07:45Conehead.
07:46Beldar Conehead.
07:47Oh, I'm Louis.
07:48Louis Bouchard.
07:49Hey, listen.
07:50I do need some help around here.
07:52And we are seeking gainful employment.
07:55Perhaps we could formulate some arrangement.
07:57Look, I don't care where you're from.
07:59This is America.
08:00Heck, my grandfather came over from France.
08:03And that's all anyone has to know.
08:05Now, by the way, uh, where do you come from?
08:08We, too.
08:09Come from France.
08:11Okay.
08:12Well, then, uh, this is all gonna have to be done under the table.
08:15Very well.
08:17No, no.
08:18What I meant was, see, I don't want any trouble with the government.
08:27All fixed in a half an hour.
08:29Wow.
08:29What service.
08:31And a fair price, too.
08:33Anytime.
08:36Ah, the evening meal.
08:38What has been prepared?
08:40Hunks of previously feathered flesh prepared in molten fat tissues of the same animal.
08:45What?
08:46Fried chicken.
08:47Ah, I will enjoy it.
08:49We invite you to consume mass quantities with us.
08:52Uh, well, maybe a beer.
09:03Ah, frosty brew.
09:14Beldar.
09:15Yes?
09:16Has your sleep phase begun?
09:18No.
09:19There is something I must tell you.
09:21I ask you, what is it?
09:24Beldar, do you recall last week when we were honing our cones?
09:29Affirmative.
09:32Beldar, I am with cone.
09:35This pleases me.
09:36Of course, I will supervise the birthing.
09:39Beldar, I tell you I am scared.
09:42An appropriate emotion, but your cone is sturdy.
09:45You will make an excellent mother.
09:47The geneto-engineers of Keldroth were not mistaken when they paired us.
09:50And you, Beldar, will make a fine paternal unit.
09:57You have stimulated me.
10:00Allow me to administer the senso rings to you.
10:13No more after this one, Beldar. This is it.
10:17Yes, yes, I am in agreement.
10:21Beldar!
10:22Ah, I see the little cone.
10:25Push, Primat, push!
10:28Ah!
10:31It is a female.
10:34Daddy's little cone.
10:36And she shall be named Connie.
10:49Primat, the capacitor has arrived!
10:52Finally!
10:53If this capacitor can withstand 35,000 volts, the monotron crystal will function, and we will at last communicate with
11:00our home planet, Remulac.
11:01Then, finally, after six Earth years, we can take leave of this miserable planet.
11:06Let's see.
11:07The farthite crystal is directly engaged with the clagsorb, thus multiplying the voltage exponentially,
11:12and enabling us to beam a particle wave to Remulac at 20 million times the speed of Earth-light.
11:17All right.
11:18Plug it in.
11:23Unplug it!
11:24Unplug it, I hear you!
11:38Ah, our young one has returned from her programming center.
11:42Good.
11:43I'll put the food into the heat.
11:45I am preparing Connie's favorite meal, tubes made from the intestinal walls of hooved mammals and packed with their byproducts.
11:51Ah, hot dogs. I will enjoy them.
11:55Hi, Mommy. Hi, Daddy.
11:57Greetings, young one. How was school today?
12:00The kids at school know that I am different from them.
12:02They want to know where I come from.
12:05Daddy, where do we come from?
12:07France. You just keep telling them you come from France.
12:11No way, Dad. I found that to be an inadequate response.
12:14Maintain low tones. Maintain low tones.
12:17Dear, I think the time has come to tell the young one the story of our family.
12:21No, I do not agree.
12:23Someday, when your cone is a little bigger, we will tell you these things.
12:27Until then, just do your homework and tell everyone we come from France.
12:31Oh, Daddy.
12:33Take heed, young one.
12:34Now it is time to consume mass quantities.
12:43This is it. Our final attempt.
12:46If this malfunctions, we may be stranded on this miserable world for centuries.
12:51I can't watch.
12:55Ah, good. Within moments, we will be in communication with Remulak.
13:00Beldar, the High Master expects that we have completed construction of a fully operational protoid refueling station.
13:06I know.
13:07We have done nothing to accomplish this mission.
13:09I know. I know.
13:13All hail Kaldroth, High Master of Seven Galaxies.
13:17Eight.
13:18Ah, congratulations.
13:20Beldar, why have you waited so long to communicate?
13:23Have you completed the Meebgon arches for docking the Star Cruisers?
13:28Uh, construction on the Meebgon arches has not yet been completed, High Master.
13:33No?
13:34Has the slave labor force been giving you difficulty?
13:37No, they have not troubled us, High Master.
13:41Well, what are the lomium gas tents for the pilots to relax?
13:45Um, High Master, we have fallen behind schedule.
13:48I ask you, what are you telling me?
13:51Our Star Cruiser.
13:52Beldar misguided it into a large fluid mass.
13:55Meebgon, you were responsible for the coordinate indices.
13:59Meebgon, Meebgon, Meebgon, Meebgon, Meebgon, Meebgon.
14:02Enough.
14:03So you are telling me that you have not yet even seized the planet?
14:07No.
14:08Very well.
14:10I will dispatch a special envoy to help you with your task.
14:14Meanwhile, please relocate within 20 miles of the United Nations and prepare yourselves.
14:20All hail Kaldroth, High Master.
14:46The entity clearly indicated that it was a right and you pointed to the left.
15:08Boy, those new neighbors sure are strange.
15:10Oh, Barry, you never get along with any of our neighbors.
15:13You said the same thing about the Krugers.
15:15The Krugers were strange.
15:17They have a son in prison, don't they?
15:18Look, honey, these people are digging up their lawn.
15:21Well, maybe they're putting in a sprinkler system or a pool or something.
15:25I don't know.
15:26They're awfully weird.
15:27Oh, don't be silly, Barry.
15:29I'll tell you what.
15:30Tomorrow morning, we'll be good neighbors and bring over a coffee ring.
15:34Okay.
15:43This particle collector is inefficient.
15:51Yeah!
15:53Sports.
15:57I'll get it.
16:00Hi.
16:02We're your next-door neighbors, the Paiseners.
16:04I'm Cheryl and this is Barry.
16:07Greetings.
16:08Enter.
16:08Nice to meet you, Mr. Cohen.
16:10Conehead.
16:11Beldar Conehead.
16:13Sorry.
16:14I don't know what I was thinking.
16:16This is Primat, my mate.
16:18And our young one, Connie.
16:20Hi.
16:21Well, we thought we'd be neighborly, so we brought over a nice coffee ring.
16:26No, no, not in front of the young one.
16:31Please, enter our central living quarters and be seated.
16:38Mom, Dad, I must leave for my high-diving practice.
16:42Bye, Connie.
16:43Nice to meet you.
16:44Bye, Mrs. Paisner.
16:46Bye, Mr. Paisner.
16:47Cute kid.
16:50So, how do you like Parkwood Hills?
16:52Cheryl and I have been here five years, and we're just in love with the place.
16:57Our new home is more than adequate shelter.
16:59And it is visually pleasing.
17:01Yes.
17:02And I love what you've done with the place.
17:05Further, the backyard is of sufficient size to accommodate a star cruiser.
17:09A helicopter.
17:11Why?
17:12Is the president coming for a visit or something?
17:14Perhaps.
17:20Well, um, I guess we should get going.
17:22Uh, yeah, I have to fertilize a lawn.
17:25Fertilize?
17:26Fertilize.
17:27The union of male and female gametic nuclei.
17:30Very well.
17:31Goodbye.
17:32You'll have to come over to our house sometime.
17:35Nice meeting you, Mr. and Mrs. Cohenhead.
17:37Conehead.
17:38The name is Conehead.
17:40It is hard to understand the ways of these strange sub-cultures.
17:46Imagine producing a sensor ring in front of a young one.
17:49Beldar, we are alone.
17:52Shall we try the earthling sensor ring?
17:55What?
17:55Now?
17:56Here?
17:56Yes.
18:04We must send millions of these edible sensor rings back to Remulac for the festival of Clothoral.
18:18I don't think Mr. Nitty is telling us all that he knows.
18:21I'm going to bring him downtown and have a little talk with him.
18:24Lee, bring the car.
18:26Hi, Mom.
18:27Hi, Dad.
18:28Connie, your cone.
18:29Unacceptable.
18:30Unacceptable.
18:31But, Dad, my date is taking me to a rock concert.
18:35Date?
18:35Date.
18:36The oblong edible fruit of a tree indigenous to subtropical regions of this planet.
18:40Wrong, Mom.
18:42Date.
18:42Date.
18:43Prearranged meeting between two potentially amorous individuals.
18:47It is time for the young one to know, Beldar.
18:49Yes, Daddy.
18:50I ask you.
18:51Why am I different?
18:52Very well.
18:54I am Beldar.
18:55Timekeeper from the planet Remulac.
18:58Oh, no.
18:59The worst.
19:00Your mother and I were dispatched to this planet by the High Master himself to establish a protoid refueling station.
19:07However, your mother miscalculated the coordinate indices.
19:09No, Beldar.
19:11It was you who was at the controls.
19:13There was nothing faulty with my guidance skills.
19:15It was the coordinate indices.
19:17Mebs.
19:18Mebs.
19:19Mebs.
19:19But I ask you, what happened?
19:22I lost the speech I was to make.
19:25Times, dates, instructions for the United Nations.
19:28We know it has been difficult for you, young one.
19:31But at last we have good news.
19:33At any moment now, a star cruiser will arrive to change forever the ways of this planet and to return
19:39us to our home 16 light years away.
19:41Oh, no.
19:43What a drag.
19:44For once in my life, things are starting to go my way.
19:47I'm captain of the high diving team, president of the science club.
19:51I have a date.
19:52And now you tell me I'm going to a planet I'd never seen?
19:55Great.
19:56Young one, your youth blinds you.
19:59How insignificant these activities will appear when you assume your role in the great plan of Kaldroth, the high master.
20:06But, Dad, I just want to groove and hang out.
20:09Groove?
20:10Hang out?
20:14That must be Ronnie.
20:17Hi, Connie.
20:19Hi, Ronnie.
20:20Come on in.
20:21Mom, Dad, this is Ronnie.
20:23Greetings, Ronnie.
20:25Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Conehead.
20:27Now I know where Connie gets her good looks.
20:30Well, we don't want to be late for the concert.
20:33Let's go, Ronnie.
20:34Shall we designate time coordinates for your return?
20:37Huh?
20:38We'll be back by midnight, Dad.
20:44When the star cruiser arrives, it won't be a moment too soon for the young one.
20:53Beldar, the monotron crystal.
20:56The star cruiser.
21:03All hail Kaldroth.
21:05High master of eight galaxies.
21:08Six.
21:09Yes.
21:11Unfortunately, Khan the insistence seceded with the insurgence of the Muldry Nebula.
21:16Oh, no.
21:18Honey, come here.
21:20You gotta see this.
21:21One of the rooms in the Conehead house is glowing green.
21:24That's no TV.
21:25Oh, Barry, don't be silly.
21:28Come on to bed.
21:29Oh, okay.
21:30Here I come.
21:32Did you brush your teeth?
21:33Oh, yeah.
21:34I forgot.
21:36So I regret to inform you that because of cutbacks in our space program, there will be no star cruiser
21:43to rescue you for some time.
21:45Some time?
21:46But I...
21:48High Master, you do not know what it is like surviving on this miserable planet.
21:52When do you estimate it would be a likely time for us to be prepared to receive a rescue?
21:58I do not know.
22:01All hail Kaldroth, Master of Six Galaxies.
22:10That was some concert, huh?
22:12Yeah.
22:14Hey, uh, what's wrong, Connie?
22:16You seem a little down or something.
22:18Before I left tonight, my parental units told me I might have to return to France.
22:24Well, don't go.
22:27Come on.
22:28Give me one of those French kisses.
22:30Oh, Ronnie.
22:35Hi, Mom.
22:36Hi, Dad.
22:37Sorry I'm late.
22:38That is a minor problem, young one.
22:41Sit down.
22:42Whoa.
22:43We may be stranded on this pathetic planet for eons.
22:46Hey, no sweat.
22:47I can handle it.
22:49Who could that be at this time, Coordinate?
22:53Greetings.
22:54Uh, sorry, Mr. Conehead, but, uh, Connie, you left this in the car.
22:57Oh, boy.
22:58Connie, you removed a sensor ring?
23:01From your parental unit's sleep chamber?
23:03Unacceptable.
23:04Unacceptable.
23:05And with a human of all creatures.
23:07Mebs.
23:08Mebs.
23:08See you at school tomorrow, Connie.
23:10Mebs.
23:11Mebs.
23:11Mebs.
23:12Mebs.
23:12Mebs.
23:13Mebs.
23:42Mebs.