- 2 days ago
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00:01I am the stone that the builder refused, I am the visual, the inspiration, that made ladies sing the blues,
00:07I'm the spark that makes your idea bright, the same spark that lights the dark so that you can know
00:11your left from your right, I am the ballad in your box, the bullet, in the gun, the inner glow
00:15that let you know to call your brother son, the story that just begun, the promise of what's to come,
00:20and I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won, won.
00:38Man, I don't get that, get what? That texting shit. And what's wrong with texting? You mean aside from the
00:46fact that it's the stupidest fucking thing in the world? I mean, why would anyone in their right mind spend
00:5115 minutes trying to type some shit they could have called and said in five seconds? Plus, it involves typing
00:57with your thumbs, which I just don't approve of.
01:00Shit, I don't know about you, but I don't have time to read nothing that a motherfucker type with his
01:05thumbs. Fun fact, nothing typed by someone's thumbs has ever been important. It's all just nigga technology anyway.
01:13What you call it?
01:14Nigga technology. Technology for nigga. When you don't start tripping and shit, call me a racist, because I don't mean
01:21nigga in a disrespectful way. I mean it as a general term for ignorant motherfucker. Anybody of any race can
01:27be an ignorant motherfucker.
01:29Shit, I be texting my ass off. Shit, bitches like texting. I be texting them all the time. Matter of
01:34fact, I also be texting my weed man too, because you know he don't like to be on the phone,
01:39so I text him.
01:41Case in point. So basically, nigga technology is anything that doesn't plug into a printer. Does that plug into a
01:49printer? No.
01:50No. Know why? Because niggas never have anything to print.
02:00Excuse me, sirs. Would you like to buy some candy to keep urban youth off of drugs and gangs?
02:08Uh, how much?
02:10Three. You hear that? I said, three.
02:16Alright, alright, alright, alright. We got it. Now beat it.
02:19Alright. Three guys ain't too bad.
02:21Don't forget your earplugs this time, Ed.
02:24Let's go.
02:25Hold up, my nigga. Hold up.
02:28Go time, nigga. Let's go.
02:29I sent that bitch a smiley face.
02:32Bitches love smiley faces.
02:35Okay, let's roll.
02:37Nobody move a goddamn muscle.
02:40You best start acting like you're a mannequin or something.
02:42Like you want to stand in the way you're in front of us.
02:44Everybody get on the ground. Now.
02:48Now.
02:49Nobody make a goddamn sound.
02:56Hurry up. Now I ain't got all day. Move it.
03:00I said let's go.
03:07Do you need a lozenge?
03:09Do you want us to take you to the safe?
03:12Hmm? Oh, right. Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the safe. Yeah.
03:17Move it, move it!
03:29Hurry up. Come on.
03:32You can't reform him.
03:3622 minutes.
03:37We suck. We fucking suck, man.
03:39And I forgot to ask for the money again.
03:42I always forget to ask for the money.
03:44I don't think 22 minutes is so bad.
03:47Not so bad.
03:48That's a whole episode of Seinfeld.
03:51It takes us a whole episode of Seinfeld to rob a bank.
03:54Stop being a perfectionist.
03:57Ed, we both know if your grandfather didn't own this bank, we'd never have gotten away with this shit.
04:02Shut up, Bradley.
04:03Brummie, you the man.
04:05Excuse me, but will you be needing anything else from me today, Mr. Wunstler, sir?
04:09Now, you could go on and take the bags back in.
04:11Thank you, sir. And for what it's worth, I thought you all did very well.
04:16See? An unbiased opinion.
04:19So you honestly think that was a well-executed robbery?
04:22Well, I sure do.
04:24Now, you wouldn't just be saying that because I got a loaded gun pointing at you, would you?
04:28Because we need honest feedback. For real.
04:30No, sir, I would not.
04:39That's bullshit. We fucking suck, man.
04:44The life of a black hero has never been for the meek of heart.
04:49You will not get out of here alive!
04:52Do you hear me?
04:57I'm going to Ed's house, and I said no!
05:20You little bitch!
05:30Oh my God!
05:41Oh!
05:43Oh!
05:45Oh!
05:47Oh!
05:48Oh!
06:02What the hell?
06:03I ain't doing nothing, Granddad.
06:05I was just gonna go to Ed's house, and Huey said I couldn't go because he a hater.
06:11What the hell is wrong with you, Huey?
06:13If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy, that's his business.
06:17Granddad, Ed and Rummy are international criminals.
06:21There he go, hatin' again.
06:23Boy, stop hatin'.
06:24What about the time when Riley and Ed were playing with a loaded shotgun,
06:27and Riley shot Ed out of a second-story window?
06:36That did happen, didn't it?
06:39Okay, so just cause Ed believes in his Second Amendment right to bear arms, we can't be friends?
06:44What you got against the bill of rights, Huey?
06:47Okay, how about the time they stopped for gas and ended up robbing the Mini Mart?
06:54They was fighting terrorism, making the world safe for the freedoms that we enjoy today.
06:59That's messed up. You don't support the troops, Huey.
07:02It is kinda messed up, Huey.
07:05Be back by dinner.
07:07Ha!
07:11I'm just saying we can do better.
07:13We're not realizing our potential.
07:15This is some bullshit.
07:17The game cheatin'.
07:18Nigga, the game ain't cheatin'.
07:20Start the game over.
07:21Why you always gotta cheat when you lose, Ed?
07:23Let him have it.
07:25It's not wise to upset a one slut.
07:34Restart the game now!
07:40And Oprah fans, get ready.
07:42The Queen of Daytime Talk will be in the Woodcrest area tomorrow for a book signing,
07:47before taping her show the following evening.
07:50Hundreds of Oprah faithfuls have been camping out for days in anticipation.
07:54I just think she is...
07:57She has the most wonderful spirit!
08:00I just don't know what I would do without her!
08:02Oh, snap!
08:04What if we kidnap Oprah?
08:07And do what?
08:08Control of Oprah is control over women.
08:11Wait, I see where you're going.
08:13See, cause like, control over women is control over bitches!
08:18Oprah Winfrey taps directly into the emotions, beliefs, mind, habits, and summer reading patterns of billions of women
08:24all over the world.
08:26Oprah Winfrey has the power to lay waste an entire industry with a mere utterance.
08:32She's a completely invincible, unstoppable force of nature.
08:36And with her under our control, nobody would be able to stop us.
08:41Who's trying to stop you?
08:42Nobody ever tries to stop you.
08:45Yes, they do.
08:46No, they don't.
08:47Hey, just because we don't know anyone trying to stop us don't mean ain't nobody out there trying to stop
08:52us.
08:52The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.
08:55Seems to me like everyone just lets y'all do whatever you want.
08:59That's why y'all always get away.
09:01We get away because I'm a criminal mastermind.
09:05Whatever, nigga.
09:07Get ready.
09:08We get it at the bookstore.
09:09We gon' need some video surveillance.
09:11And we gon' need advanced communication.
09:14Two-way pages for everybody!
09:17Yeah!
09:21Whatever you guys are planning, you're not getting away with it.
09:25Nobody can stop Ed and Rami.
09:27Maybe not.
09:28But if I catch you with him, I'm gonna take you down.
09:31Unless I take you down first.
09:34Unless I take you down first.
09:37Is that the best you can do?
09:38Shut up, punk!
09:40I saw a glimpse of her!
09:48Okay, there's two guards by the front door.
09:56Another on the east wall.
09:59Well, excuse me for being into computers and shit, all right?
10:04First of all, motherfucker.
10:05Just because you put a two-way page in the middle of your desk,
10:09don't make it a computer.
10:10It's a two-way pager, all right?
10:12Okay, then what's the difference?
10:14The difference is a computer is something that does actual work.
10:18Nigga technology don't do much more than that dumb niggas
10:21talk to other dumb niggas about dumb nigga shit.
10:24She even smells good.
10:26She smells good.
10:26Hey, I see Oprah.
10:30Okay, her security just left her alone.
10:33Go!
10:34Let's roll.
10:50Everybody get down, now!
10:52You wanna fly tight in a firefight?
10:54You ain't burning no time with no coke, you like me.
10:56Where's Oprah?
10:58Well, where's she at?
11:00Where's Oprah?
11:03I'm gonna fuck the f**k.
11:04We have to beat us now.
11:05Where's Oprah?
11:07I'm gonna fuck you.
11:08I'm gonna get away from you.
11:09G.I., bitch!
11:10Don't look.
11:11Just tell me what that bitch is.
11:13I'd like you to tell me where Oprah is on the count of three.
11:16Um, uh, uh, uh, uh.
11:17I'm gonna kill the oldest bitch up in here.
11:19This is too exciting.
11:22That's real f**ked up, Agnes.
11:24Found me!
11:26No!
11:26Help me!
11:30Body Snatcher 3 to Body Snatcher 2.
11:32Where are you?
11:33We're in the bookstore.
11:34We're about to extract the package.
11:36What bookstore?
11:37The boarders next to stoppers.
11:40No!
11:41It's the Barnes and Nobles next to the coffee beans!
11:46Kia!
11:47Bitch!
11:52Mommy, wait!
11:54That's not Oprah!
11:56Hello?
11:57Damn it!
11:59Body Snatcher 2.
12:00Body Snatcher 3.
12:01You reading me?
12:02Woo!
12:03Get, get, get!
12:04Oh!
12:05I'm gonna fuck you up, boy!
12:06Dear Ed, that is not open.
12:11All right.
12:12Rhett.
12:14Rhett says that ain't open.
12:16What?
12:17Who the hell is it?
12:18Oh, goddammit!
12:19It's, uh, Maya and...
12:23Maya?
12:24And I rise, Angelou?
12:27Uh-huh.
12:28Uh-huh.
12:40This was the scene today at the Woodcrest Borders bookstore, where two unknown assailants kidnapped
12:46Maya Angelou during a book signing.
12:48It was all rummage fog.
12:50Ed ran into the wrong store.
12:51I was following Ed.
12:52How was I supposed to know which bookstore to go into?
12:55They look exactly the same, and they both got books.
12:58There was a giant crowd of people outside of one.
13:00That don't mean Oprah was in there.
13:02There was a large sign outside that said, welcome, Oprah!
13:05Y'all lucky Ed's grandfather owns the cops.
13:08Just what are you trying to imply?
13:10Look, we escaped capture because of planning, teamwork, and execution.
13:17This officer wanted to see you, Mr. Wunstler, sir.
13:23Excuse me, Mr. Wunstler.
13:25I just...
13:26Well, you dropped this today at the bookstore during the, you know, unpleasant...
13:33Thank you, Mr. Wunstler, sir, thank you.
13:35I'm so sorry to disturb you.
13:37I hope you're not upset with me.
13:39Why don't we just get out for tomorrow?
13:41Anybody know where they're taping the show?
13:43Maybe we could try and find out?
13:46I'm down with that.
13:48Oh, this is beautiful.
13:51It's like we're back again.
13:53Hey, man, look, I'm sorry.
13:55You know, sometimes I just let my emotions get the best of it.
13:58No, no, no, no, I understand.
14:00You're passionate about what you're doing.
14:02I just wish you'd be a little more sensitive to my feelings.
14:05It was my fault, man.
14:06No, no, no.
14:08It was my fault for grabbing the Poet Triumvirate, whatever her name, Maya.
14:18Darn it as a gay.
14:22Hey, why y'all leave me out here?
14:25One of y'all motherfuckers better come out here and get me.
14:27I know that.
14:27Or you will be living in a haunted house tonight.
14:30Swim, bitch!
14:32Now, this is the studio where they be taping the show.
14:35What we need to worry about is Oprah's personal security team.
14:38Do we have any intel on that?
14:40Any what?
14:41Intel.
14:42Intelligence, nigga!
14:43Keep up!
14:44The bookstore security footage!
14:46Help!
14:50Whoa.
14:51Bushido Brown.
14:53Aw, damn.
14:54I was afraid of this.
14:55Who's Bushido Brown?
14:56A bonafide bad motherfucker, that's who.
15:00You remember when Oprah made them comments about the beef industry?
15:03No.
15:03Okay, well, a few years back, Oprah said some shit on her show about beef.
15:07You know, mad cow disease or some shit.
15:09Anyway, the beef industry didn't exactly find that shit amusing.
15:13They thought they would send a crew of armed Texans to go teach Oprah a lesson.
15:18Ex-Marines, ex-Texas Rangers, roads, that kind of shit.
15:22But Oprah had Bushido Brown as her personal bodyguard.
15:26Come on!
15:27Come on, J.J.
15:28Come on, J.J.
15:30Come on, J.J.
15:33Come on, J.J.
15:36Apparently, only one dude was able to actually lay a hand on Oprah's office door.
15:42They say Bushido Brown kept that hand.
15:48I think I just shit myself.
15:50No, no.
15:52We can't just stroll up in there if Bushido Brown is there.
15:56We need a plan.
15:58And, um, go change your pants.
16:02Pretty strange, huh?
16:04Armed gunmen assault a bookstore to kidnap Maya Angelou.
16:10Ay, I heard she had enemies.
16:12Even stranger, Oprah Winfrey was right across the street when it happened.
16:17I don't know anything about no plot to kidnap nobody.
16:21So, Ed and Rummy do have a plan to kidnap Oprah.
16:40Dave's voice of-
16:52Dave's voice of-
16:53Black Power Fist. The Black Power Fist is actually a stun glove that I made with instructions
16:59I found on the internet. It delivers thousands of votes of imperialism stopping electricity
17:04without the need of superpowers or secret alien technology. And it's inexpensive enough
17:10to fit well within even the most frugal revolutionaries' defense budget.
17:26Okay, so we're gonna enter at the rear service entrance. They never expect us to go through
17:31that because it's in the back. Wow. Hmm. Didn't think they'd put guards there. They really
17:38covered their bases. So that's it? That's the plan? Now what? I didn't think they'd think
17:44to put guards at the rear entrance. That was an unknown unknown. It was a bad plan. You
17:49planned things badly. Isn't this your brother? What's he doing here? He's trying to stop
18:01you. Really? Why? What'd we ever do to him? Sound like a hater to me. Hello? Yes. There's
18:09a little boy coming right now to hurt Oprah. He's got a big stupid afro and a very poor disposition.
18:15He's on the east side of the building. Aight. Peace.
18:20Okay, we're on the move. Let's go.
18:27All right. Game's up. It's over. You're not going anywhere. It's all right.
18:35Oprah's in danger. Not? Well, I'm here. I have to get into that studio, even if it means
18:41going through you. Man, you come straight out of a comic strip.
18:51It's so nasty that he's probably someone who tried to explain. Then he told the people
18:55you can pull me your magic down. Keep your battery charged. He know it won't stick, yo.
19:00And it's not his fault. You're quick slow. Should've let your chick hold. Chick holds your sick glow.
19:06Plus, nobody can run out and wants to get the free value. And you know, I know, that's a bunch
19:10of
19:10things.
19:29Okay, Oprah's dressing room should be up here and to the left. Let's go.
19:37Okay, Oprah's dressing room should be up here and to the left. Let's go.
19:40I'll circumvince the average boobahoo
19:42Because you're right looking through, it's a damn shame
19:45Just remember all the cats will be smothered and made
19:54Say what?
19:56Intruders in the studio are on my way
19:59Let's go, I'm coming
20:00Go, go, go
20:01Heeyah, bitch
20:03Pull up your pants, you little ghetto hooligan
20:08Damn, is that who I think it is?
20:10This ain't Oprah, it's Bill Cosby
20:14I guess we were supposed to take a laugh
20:16What's the matter with you?
20:17You should be ashamed of yourself
20:20Kicking in the doors with the big boots and the guns
20:23Damn, Rummy, I'm sick of playing with y'all
20:26Y'all two are pathetic
20:28Hey, in Iraq, we was in special ops
20:30Y'all niggas should have been in the special Olympics
20:33I'm going home
20:34Oh, come on, man, look
20:36We'll kidnap Bill Cosby
20:38It'd still be fun
20:39Yeah, man, it's only four o'clock
20:42Come on, we can write the ransom note together
20:44I don't think so, guys
20:45I gotta get home for dinner
20:48Thank you
20:49Don't listen to him
20:50He's just a hater
20:50You a good planner
20:52Look, you about to kidnap
20:54Bill Cosby
20:56How many motherfuckers can say that they did some shit like that, huh?
21:00You gotta start looking at the bright side
21:03Yeah
21:04Show you're right
21:05And I am a pretty good planner, huh?
21:07And y'all niggas are gay
21:09Hey!
21:09I went over to the wall
21:11I, you know, I just
21:13Oh, oh, man
21:15Just, this reminds me of when I had been
21:17Ed and Rummy kidnapped Bill Cosby
21:19No, I
21:20Felt a lot
21:23But he was really annoyed
21:25So they returned him to the studio 15 minutes later
21:29As usual, nobody even thought about stopping them.
21:33The fuck y'all looking at?
21:35Riley had gotten away, but returned several hours later when he realized he had dropped his two-way pager.
21:47Okay, okay, okay, let me explain.
21:50You must have lost your mind.
21:53You do not.
21:56Kidnap Oprah.
22:03Kidnap Oprah.
22:29Kidnap Oprah.
22:29Kidnap Oprah.
22:31Kidnap Oprah.
22:32Kidnap Oprah.
22:32Kidnap Oprah.
22:33Kidnap Oprah.
22:33Kidnap Oprah.
22:33Kidnap Oprah.
22:33Kidnap Oprah.
22:34You
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