- 4 hours ago
7 Days (NZ) Season 18 Episode 14 - Thursday May 21, 2026
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00:01.
00:17Kia ora New Zealand!
00:20Well God may have made the universe in 7 days.
00:22But now he did that once didn't he?
00:23We do this every week, so who's more impressive really eh?
00:26If you're looking to laugh, you're in the right place.
00:28if you're looking for love you're also in the right place as long as what you
00:31love is laughing about the news this is seven days let's meet the teams leader
00:35of team one hails from the Taranaki you've heard of Naki hard let me
00:39introduce you to Naki soft it's been early got a great team on team on
00:48tonight he's a Brit who's moved to Australia and she's a comedian who's
00:52good with kids so team one's kind of like a reverse Rolf Harris
01:02over to team two the leader of team two was born in New Zealand now applies her
01:05trade in Australia the true Russell Crowe of comedy it's Mel Brace Hall
01:13actually in fact my entire team lives in Melbourne and we've come here to take
01:17your jobs and your women
01:24first up tonight I've come through the biggest news stories of the week and
01:27miraculously found a couple that aren't too depressing to joke about its
01:30news makers teams I'm going to give you an answer related to a story you try and
01:34give me the question to match work that story out team one you can begin here is
01:38your answer top secret what do I say to my wife when she asks why I'm so long in
01:43the shower this is what I say to bitches when they ask where I got my shirt from
01:52Corbett's family started getting suspicious when he referred to them as
01:55as what family story any ideas how would we know it's a secret Jeremy
02:15correct
02:18question is what sort of files will you get to read if you become a spy our
02:23security intelligence service the NZSIS has put out a call for anyone looking to
02:27become an intelligence case officer or spy successful applicants will receive a
02:32license to kill but first year they'll be on their restricted license and only
02:36allowed to kill between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. and then only run a company by a fully
02:40licensed killer yeah nothing says top-secret like advertising on their web
02:44site it's difficult to be a New Zealand spy and you guys might not know this not
02:50being from here but you can flush out New Zealanders wherever they are in the
02:53world and I'm gonna get the audience to help me with this what's this to tear the
02:58mind I know he we that's all you have to do it's like Ziggy Ziggy Ziggy but with real words
03:34what is that
03:36I genuinely used to work for the SAS and I think it really speaks to the culture of the place
03:41that I'm happy to reveal that on national television
03:44is he in active service at the moment no okay
03:50it's not that's quite a good good ad it kind of says you know what what they need
03:54what the requirements are for a spy you know good with people able to keep a
03:57secret even talks about how to have the conversations with your family where you
04:00say I can't talk about my work salary eighty seven thousand to ninety two thousand
04:05I'll bet starting plus perks plus allowance and benefits I would love to do a job
04:13like this because I love gossip I'd be like oh my god you can't believe I only go
04:20through the application process if it involved actual willy apiata abducting me
04:25hog tang me and just giving me a light little flog and I'm like no willy time
04:32I'll be a terrible spy when I was younger my neighbors caught me peeping
04:35through their window almost every time it's too much noise hey Russell Russell Russell
04:46anyway if you do want to become a spy just say I want to join the NZSIS anywhere near any
04:51of the smart
04:52appliances in your house and that's I'll get back to you team two are you ready for an answer from
04:57the last seven days of news here we go 263 million liters at what what point does the landlord
05:03sort of admit that there's been a leak
05:09at Corbett's latest birthday party how many liters of baby oil did he order
05:22what's the size of the drink bottles of the girls at my gym
05:25it must be something fuel related is that just like how much fuel we've got left is that the
05:43red wine does Australia currently have and it's mostly red wine so much that they've got they're
05:48considering converting it into biofuel and I find my car runs great on red wine for about an hour
05:55then I have to pull over and let her have a cry about the divorce
05:59so yeah that's their solution converted to converted to fuel
06:02interesting fact if you give old vintage cars red wine it starts becoming racist and honking at
06:09Mitsubishi's
06:11too many of you it's amazing but I mean when you go to the service station they just put like
06:16a little
06:16bit in and go do you want the bottle yeah that's right what's that taste it's gonna be when you
06:22pull
06:22up to the pump will you have to make a selection does do you want the 91 or the 98
06:26which was the
06:27better year just cars that do this though I think because I find lime scooters only work when you've
06:36had about 15 beers have you ever done that I've got on one of the scooters they make you do
06:41a drunk
06:41test if it's after a certain time yeah really have you ever done that I think they've just attached
06:45it to yours specifically it's a reality may test your reaction yeah really yeah it's a bit like when
06:59you play pool when you have like five pints and you become the most amazing pool player yeah I was
07:03just nailing the test let's go around just getting different lime scooters now all right there wraps up
07:09newsmakers uh for scores team one you can have 4059 uh that is dollars a man was charged for
07:15parking at auckland airport for 15 minutes over four thousand dollars turned out to be an error go
07:20figure and he only had to pay 12.50 which I also think is quite expensive for 15 minutes all
07:26right
07:26team two you can have 8 000 that's the estimated number of warriors fans that made the pilgrimage to
07:30suncorp stadium for the nrl uh magic round see the wires beat the hometown broncos 42 12 great result
07:35ak beats four first star of the night goes to team time
07:44i can hear you in there why the stars call me what's going on with the stars called what's
07:47the story of the stars call me call me the stars again the whispers going around new zealand right now
07:51well at the end of the episode one of the teams will win the ultimate prize a priceless collectible
07:55based on current events and boy do we have a great one this week take a look that there is
08:00a
08:00genuine starter kit for the aspiring kiwi spy complete with a jandle phone uh coffee news with
08:05barely noticeable spy holes and the latest in kiwi surveillance drone technology yes enjoy that the
08:13name's bond trevor bond all right time now in seven days for guest who very different uh from the board
08:19game guess who because our person has done something newsworthy unlike those losers bernard and tom uh we're
08:25going to bring him out with a bag on the head and see if our panelists can work out who
08:28they are
08:29and what the story is please welcome our guest who gets
08:41all right guests you can only say yes or no you can only ask yes or no questions get a
08:46yes
08:46stays with you get a no goes to the other team team one you can start okay cool um based
08:51on the
08:51disguise i think it might be a new zealand spy is the reason you're wearing the mask because you
08:57have hunter virus no it's a no it's actually really good news is the is the bag a clue you
09:05know like
09:05maybe his name is mark first name question
09:11it could be a metaphor or like a concept like the concept of question life is a big question
09:16i eat like it could be life you're really going down the wrong cul-de-sac here let's try
09:22narrow it down are you known before this news story yes that's yes but he's not known to like
09:31who to the public or to his family or to his parole officer okay you're getting really philosophical
09:36and i'm sorry thank you um i don't know anybody in new zealand so uh apart from corbett are you
09:44corbett no that's a no silly mel i mean there's other corbetts that's true i don't know the one
09:51corbett you keep mentioning oh that's him this guy is not your surname so that's uh that's why is that
09:59genuinely true i didn't know your surname we introduce each other on first names yeah weirdly
10:05though he has three middle names and they're all the same
10:16like are you a sports person are you a sports person yes okay sports person um do you play a
10:22team
10:23sport no okay do you play an individual sport yes yes okay if you think about it like life is
10:33a sport
10:38oh can we see your hands i don't really know what this is going to give us but i thought
10:43you guys
10:43might be able to deduce the sport from the hands like yeah i can just see he's married no are
10:50you
10:51single no no that's a no team with the show she just wanted to know yeah and that's true um
10:58maybe like
10:59isn't it an impact sport or something um or commonwealth oh commonwealth games okay is your sport in the
11:05commonwealth games no oh you should have gone with the first idea though are you a skier no no summer
11:13olympics yes okay yes okay that's good do you reckon so it's in the olympics but not the commonwealth
11:21games so it'll be a good sport yeah breakdancing was once but i don't think it is again skateboarding's
11:28a good one um it's not going to be basketball is it what's uh it's like water skateboarding i believe
11:38it's called surfing is it are you a surfer yes are you a surfer probably from raglan
11:48yes it is billy salvin thank you for coming on billy
11:56from your uh wild card in the world surf league which is in raglan is that uh is that your
12:02debut
12:02performance world surf league yep i've been trying for about 15 years now and it's my first time i've
12:07competed on the championship tour in your hometown in my hometown in front of my friends and family
12:11and the whole country and how did it go well unfortunately i lost but um why'd you ask that
12:17no but i had an awesome time like it was so much fun i you know hopefully inspired the next
12:23generation
12:23and yeah um yeah it was epic are you like goofy or regular natural or regular yeah it's different
12:31generations what is the competition like at an event like this this is the premier league well it's the
12:38top yeah it's the top of the top um obviously i'm surfing against my idols pretty much the guys i
12:43looked
12:43up to and um yeah it's intense it's it's there's a high a lot of pressure and a lot of
12:47eyes on you
12:48but um yeah i loved every minute of it i feel like i you know um step it up when
12:53uh competition's a
12:54little harder so yeah i had so much fun what is raglan's break what's it famous for uh manu bay
13:00which is a long left hand point break um it's new on the tour it's new for all the surfers
13:04they
13:04uh are going left which is like unusual for for the tour so they're all been excited and is raglan
13:09loving it they're loving it the town's booming it's so much fun down there there's events there's
13:13all sorts signings everything i saw a story it's radical man i saw a story everyone was fizzing
13:20about the buses taking people from the raglan airport which i think airfield actually about
13:255 000 of them into tamaru bay to see that yeah i actually heard it was full capacity um on
13:31sunday
13:32six and a half thousand people yeah catching the bus from the airfield out and uh enjoying the
13:36show out at money bow are you also good at crowd surfing i am pretty little so yeah
13:43does it make a difference having a crowd because do you really notice out there um yeah for sure
13:49obviously manu bow is kind of like a natural amphitheater so having the whole hill and like the you know
13:54the community was out there on the hill supporting and yelling and screaming and yeah it was kind of like
13:59a a kind of stadium atmosphere i guess it was super fun what would what would you rather have
14:04olympic gold or wsl that's a tough question um you know surfing in the olympics is a new sport so
14:11um
14:12for me i think i'd love to have a world title on the championship tour but um yeah i've kind
14:16of
14:16competed in both now so i kind of want gold in all of it two olympics and even getting into
14:21the olympics
14:21is quite hard because they only take one don't they have uh one man one woman from oceania yeah it's
14:27difficult to qualify there's a big process of like two or three years and yeah you have to go to
14:31certain events and it's real hard for us to go through australasia and beat the aussies and um
14:35yeah get to get the spot to go to you know represent new zealand i mean being born with that
14:41face you
14:41sort of had no choice but to become a surfer you you look like if i tried to draw a
14:45surfer from memory
14:46yeah if you google surface image like that's what comes up you actually look like patrick
14:53swayze and pointy that's what i have to say oh wow do you not reckon legendary surfer billy stem and
14:58thank you so much thank you so good so cool uh well done team one gets a star they guessed
15:09it correctly well
15:13and team one we're staying with you buckle up for a bucket of chuckles because it's the burger fuel
15:17brain grill tonight we're going to party like it's 2002. team one i'm going to play you a video
15:22from that wonderful year 2002 you have to tell me what is going on have a look
15:31i think tiger's got the sniff of the prey in his nostrils and they've got a prowling tiger on the
15:37back mine um it's some pretty good putting because we all know his driving's no good
15:44uh that was tiger woods playing in the new zealand open at the paraparaumu beach golf club in january
15:502002. i mean big deal though i played that course i've got a score way higher than him
15:58well we can have a quick ad break now so let the cat out and grab a cup of hurry
16:01back because we've
16:02got a fresh new kiwi musician called star to sing for you next on slice of seven
16:16oh welcome back to seven days it is time now for everyone's favorite topical parody song-based
16:21guessing game slice of seven where we convince a cool glamorous musician to slum it with us comedy
16:26dorks joining us tonight all the way from raglan seems to be a theme tonight doesn't it new zealand's
16:30next biggest star star so teams if you want a star of your own you need to basically figure out
16:39what news story star is singing about and team one you are first up are you ready radical
16:44towering is tuned in star all yours in your own time
16:53next he's gonna piss right off the leaning tower who the hell's this guy making us splash through
17:06is
17:07ain't his first time in a roman liquor store
17:10not his first big swim he's done this overfall
17:15his statues are baroken soldiers waterlogged farm
17:28and it's so cool
17:31it's a must
17:33cause it just
17:35freaking rules
17:38but now he's banned from
17:41the coliseum
17:43and the waxwork museum
17:45and the mediterranean sea
17:50Cos he's so kiwi
17:54To monitor the trivia
18:05Right, so lots of clues in there.
18:07I mean, yeah, they basically told the whole story.
18:09Yeah, essentially, yeah.
18:10I'm going to be honest, I didn't listen to a single word.
18:12I was just entranced by the voice.
18:14Now, Carl, you're an Englishman,
18:16so could you envisage a world
18:17where somebody behaved poorly overseas?
18:20I mean, I've heard about this, yeah.
18:25I was just happy to see it be someone not an Englishman
18:28ruining a European city.
18:31I'm going to guess. Is that all right?
18:32Oh, yeah.
18:32OK, so, Jeremy, a New Zealander jumped in the Trevi Fountain,
18:38which is in Rome, cos he was a bit pissed up,
18:41and his name was frickin' legend.
18:48Well, being a kiwi tourist has sparked outrage in Rome
18:51by diving into the famed Trevi Fountain,
18:54and it turns out he may have done this up to three previous times,
18:57in spite of being fined each time, this time 500 euros.
19:01The Trevi Fountain, bit of history,
19:02was built by famous Italian architect Giuseppe Panini,
19:05and he would have been the most famous member of his family
19:08if it wasn't for his brother, chicken and cranberry.
19:10So, a few facts for you there, a bit of education, yeah.
19:16Worldwide news, do we have the video of the worldwide news?
19:19I'm not sure if we have this.
19:29Yeah, they're absolutely like...
19:40If it had been a manu, yes, I'd be upstanding,
19:42but it's just a shallow dive.
19:44It's where you chuck coins in, isn't it?
19:45Yeah.
19:46Maybe he was just trying to embody the phrase
19:48be the change you want to see in the world.
19:51I don't know what the big deal is.
19:53It's clearly a remake from the one that's in Vegas.
19:56Yeah, that's right.
19:57Just copied it.
19:59But doesn't Trevi Fountain just sound like a guy from Hamilton?
20:02Yeah, it does.
20:04We all know Trevi Fountain.
20:06He's that guy that won Lotto, right?
20:07Two years ago, Trevi Fountain.
20:09I mean, we're all shitting on him,
20:10but God forbid a freaking backpacker wants to have a shower, you know?
20:15Yeah, it's not about the Italians
20:16to get emotional and upset about stuff.
20:19You don't want us doing dumb shit like this.
20:22Don't make your slogan, when in Rome.
20:27All right, are you ready for another song start?
20:29Who's joining you on guitar there?
20:31This is Josh.
20:32Josh, give it up for Josh.
20:35This is my favourite game for New Zealand bands,
20:38dating or sibling.
20:40What is the situation?
20:42Neither.
20:42Just friend.
20:43Both.
20:44Whoa, that's amazing.
20:44Or both.
20:45I mean, I don't know much about Raglan.
20:47How exciting was it seeing Billy?
20:49Raglan's ruling the show tonight.
20:50Great stuff.
20:51All right, team two, are you ready for a song from Star?
20:53Okay.
20:54Star and Josh, are you ready?
20:56All right, take it away.
20:57All right, take it away.
20:59Cook a wiener
21:01For your dinner
21:03Aussies claim it
21:06But they didn't do it first
21:09Made of meaty goo
21:11Stolen barbecue
21:13If those dudes
21:20Boy, they're gonna be annoyed
21:24Stealing our seven loyalties
21:27But now we own the sizzle
21:30Now what makes
21:33Never lost their source of fun things
21:38Got nowhere for the onions
21:44For shizzle, it's ours
21:47It's ours
21:50It's ours
21:52It's ours
21:53Oh, my God.
21:54Yeah.
21:56Oh, my God.
21:57Oh, my God.
22:00I love you guys.
22:01You're so cold.
22:03Okay, I heard a few things in this.
22:05I heard sausages, onions.
22:07I heard onions.
22:09That's a lot.
22:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:11It's ours.
22:13Savaloys.
22:14Savaloys.
22:14Is there some sort of sausage news going on?
22:17It's what I've been good with.
22:18Yeah.
22:20Okay, what I think this is, I think I saw something about this, that Australians and New Zealanders
22:25are fighting over the sausage sizzle of who invented it first.
22:29Correct, except Australia probably doesn't even know there's a fight on.
22:33New important research has discovered earth-shattering proof that, in fact, New Zealand and not Australia
22:38invented the humble sausage sizzle.
22:40Although, to be fair to Australia, they don't just take our good stuff, they also take our shit stuff.
22:45Isn't that right, man?
22:46Okay, okay.
22:47Okay.
22:48Okay.
22:52Now, when apparently did you guys come up with this?
22:55Oh, uh, 1939, apparently.
22:58Oh, is there anything else going on at that time?
23:00Not much.
23:02This is why it wasn't a headline.
23:03It got buried.
23:04They'll have to teach this in school now, New Zealand history.
23:07Ernest Rutherford splitting the atom, 1917.
23:09Yep.
23:101939, Beryl goes, I reckon it would fit if you put it in the bread diagonally.
23:14You know?
23:16They'll probably find out that Australia invented the idea of putting onions in the rest of it
23:21on cover the sausage sizzle.
23:23Sort your onions out.
23:25Yes.
23:25You've got to wait for onions all the time.
23:27Onions take a long time.
23:29You need to get there an hour before.
23:31Stockpile your onions.
23:32Yep.
23:32Okay?
23:33This is the number one election issue this year.
23:37No, I've run a sausage sizzle and we got into that situation.
23:40Yep.
23:40The onions, you can get behind on them.
23:42We were giving people, like, just one little ring on their sausage.
23:47You put the sausage through the ring.
23:49That's right, yeah.
23:50And then a little Corbett wink.
23:53I suppose you're English as well, so you've never been to a hardware store, have you?
23:59We have our servants.
24:01Yeah, yeah.
24:03I've never been to a Bunnings, I don't think.
24:06Oh, it's...
24:07Oh, honestly, mate.
24:08And we don't give out free sausages outside shops in the UK.
24:11They're certainly not free.
24:12They're not free.
24:12They're not free?
24:13$2.50, mate.
24:14They've doubled in price in my lifetime.
24:17How are we going to get the under-17s to Japan if they're free, mate?
24:23All right, for points, Team 1, you're going to have 82.
24:26That's the number of points Arsenal scored on the English Premier League ladder
24:30to secure their first Football League win in 22 years.
24:34Go the Gunners.
24:35Great stuff.
24:36Team 2, you just get 2.
24:37But it's a great 2.
24:38It's the amount of time Shea Fu has been inducted into the New Zealand Music Hall of Fame.
24:422026 inductee as a solo artist and, of course, way back in 2014 as a member of Super Groove.
24:47Great stuff, Shea Fu.
24:48But it does mean Team 1 gets the star.
24:50Give them a round of applause.
24:53Thank you, Star.
24:55And a huge thank you to Star, whose debut single, When You Were Around, is out and about
24:59on all the major streaming platforms.
25:00Go check it out.
25:01Give it up for Star.
25:07Thank you, Star.
25:08Thank you, Josh.
25:09Team 2, it is time for you to turn your...
25:12Is that your alarm?
25:13That is my alarm, yeah.
25:14Oh, my God, you have to take your pills.
25:24I've told this story before, but the worst time that happened, because I silenced my phone.
25:28You often tell stories over and over.
25:28I do, I do.
25:30But when you turn your phone into silent, it doesn't stop alarms for some reason.
25:34My alarm went off as we were lowering my father into the ground at his funeral.
25:38Oh, my God.
25:39Yeah.
25:40You just got to go, yep, right on schedule.
25:41That's pretty much it.
25:44My brother said, what's the alarm say?
25:46I said, bury Dad.
25:50Anyway, Team 2, it is time for you to turn your brains back to 2002 for a damn good grilling
25:57in our second round of the burger-fueled brain grill.
26:00Avril Lavigne's Complicated was climbing the charts back then.
26:02Low-rise jeans were all the rage.
26:04Also, whatever was going on here was happening.
26:06What is it, Team 2?
26:07Oh, I can see their fullback.
26:12Oh, the new cheerleader's uniform's really revealing.
26:16Well, once again, Vodafone has insufficient coverage.
26:25I don't have...
26:26I mean, this is more of an observation, but the guy on the left, why is he taking out his
26:30mouth guard?
26:35That is Tom Willis and Justin Marshall looking on at one of two streakers who invaded the
26:39field during the Tri-Nations Bledisloe Cup rugby match at Stadium Australia.
26:44Well, we can have a quick ad break now, so take some time to slip, slop, slap, because
26:47when we come back, we're heading to Club Topicana on Seven Days.
27:00No, my, hooky, my.
27:01Welcome back to Seven Days.
27:03I'm straining on my leash because I'm so keen to chase the seagulls.
27:06We must be at the beach.
27:07It's Club Topicana.
27:08Hit me with the steel drums.
27:20Yes, indeed, Club Topicana is brought to you by Dole Pineapples.
27:23If you like pina coladas, but not a huge fan of the rum or coconut aspect, then boy, do
27:27I have the fruit for you.
27:28Yes.
27:29It's Nature's Hand Grenade, and this one's packed with deadly news just waiting to go
27:33off, comedians.
27:33Let's see what we have.
27:35All right.
27:36Okay, yes, some Americans are getting very upset with us.
27:39Movies set in the Old West, like the recent East of Eden, are being shot in New Zealand
27:44and not the USA.
27:45They're not happy.
27:46I guess I understand a couple of panga stumps isn't exactly the Wild West.
27:50On that theme, I'd like to see some unlikely scenes from a Western, please.
27:57Looks like we got a Mexican standoff, gentlemen.
28:00I'll start.
28:05I'll start.
28:09All right, boys, cover your faces.
28:11It's time to rob this rail replacement bus.
28:21There's town ain't begging us for the two of us.
28:24Maybe we should subdivide, throw up some townhouses.
28:26What do you reckon?
28:30Yeah, so just checking.
28:31So we get on the horse, and then we've got to hold onto the horse for as long as we
28:36can,
28:36and then if we fall off, that's our time, right?
28:40Yeah, sorry.
28:41This is actually my first radio.
28:50Sure, I ain't seen you around here before.
28:53I know, I'm here on me holidays.
28:59That is so, so, so funny.
29:01I see there's gold in them thar hills, and yes, I did use their preferred pronouns, them thar.
29:15Are you looking at me?
29:18No.
29:19My mistake.
29:26They say she rolled backwards into town on a cow.
29:30They called her the reverse cowgirl.
29:37Well done.
29:39We move on from our pineapple.
29:41Our next story.
29:41Attempted robbery at the Boat Rower's Hotel in Newcastle, New South Wales last year.
29:46Spectacularly backfired when patrons confronted the armed thief,
29:49throwing barstools at him and eventually restraining him.
29:52He's just been sentenced to time in prison.
29:54That's why it's a current story.
29:56Give me some more examples, please, of the world's worst robbers.
30:00Is that all the money in the bag?
30:01That's all the money in the bag?
30:03Great, I'd like to open an account.
30:10Stick them down!
30:11Oh, shit, it's my first time.
30:13Sorry.
30:17This is a bank robbery.
30:19I'm going to need all your sperm right now.
30:28And through it all,
30:32she offers me protection.
30:35La, la, la.
30:36Oh, I thought she robbies.
30:42You're actually a pretty good Robbie, so...
30:47We're going to take from the poor and give to the rich.
30:50Kia ora, I'm Christopher Luxor.
30:56And on that note...
30:58Back to the...
30:59He moves on now and his mate got...
31:05OK, this is an unusual one.
31:08Our production coordinator here on Seven Days
31:10was dumped this week by her boyfriend via WhatsApp.
31:14Boo.
31:15I'd like to see more terrible ways to break up, please.
31:21Why did you have to do it with a flash mob?
31:25LAUGHTER
31:31Yeah, no, there is quite a lot of mushrooms
31:33in the beef wellington.
31:35LAUGHTER
31:38Did that reach here?
31:40LAUGHTER
31:44LAUGHTER
31:44All right, here's your half of the dog.
31:48LAUGHTER
31:49LAUGHTER
31:49LAUGHTER
31:50LAUGHTER
31:53I, um, I've got you something, um, really special.
31:59Um...
32:00LAUGHTER
32:00One of those.
32:02LAUGHTER
32:05LAUGHTER
32:05LAUGHTER
32:06There you go.
32:06Happy birthday to you.
32:09I'm breaking up with you.
32:13LAUGHTER
32:13LAUGHTER
32:14Actually, I'm on the back of it.
32:16LAUGHTER
32:16Oh, good stretch.
32:18I'm f***ing your brother.
32:19LAUGHTER
32:24OK, my turn, my turn.
32:26OK, this is fun, this is fun.
32:27OK, I have never been divorced.
32:30You should probably sip, Diane.
32:32LAUGHTER
32:34LAUGHTER
32:35LAUGHTER
32:36LAUGHTER
32:38I was going to break up with you now,
32:40but I reckon we should just have a baby
32:41and see what happens in five years.
32:43LAUGHTER
32:44LAUGHTER
32:45LAUGHTER
32:45LAUGHTER
32:48Oh, you got me a Valentine's card.
32:50Oh, that's so nice.
32:52Roses are red, violets are blue,
32:54you're dumped...
32:56LAUGHTER
32:59LAUGHTER
33:01LAUGHTER
33:02LAUGHTER
33:02LAUGHTER
33:03LAUGHTER
33:05LAUGHTER
33:05LAUGHTER
33:05LAUGHTER
33:05Some, uh, great suggestions
33:06if you are struggling to break up.
33:08Great work all round,
33:09but they are closing the beach.
33:10Uh, sand shortage, apparently.
33:11It's all in my togs.
33:12Play the steel drums!
33:15APPLAUSE
33:24Ah, getting political with the points
33:25for, uh, this round for Top of Canada.
33:27Team 1, 9,000.
33:28The number of public servants Nicola Willis
33:30is planning to cut over the next, uh,
33:32three to five years.
33:33You get 9,000.
33:33Team 2, you get four.
33:35Uh, David Seymour's Ministry for Regulation,
33:38designed to slash red tape,
33:39is now four times the size
33:41of the agency it replaced.
33:43David, talk to Nicola,
33:45the star for Top of Canada,
33:46goes to Team 1!
33:48APPLAUSE
33:51It's time for a quick ad break now,
33:52but stick around,
33:53because coming up next is Jeremy's special game,
33:56and it won't be as special without you.
33:59APPLAUSE
34:01APPLAUSE
34:22Well, we'll put some stuff in a box.
34:24Teams have to guess what the story is.
34:25Ah, Team 1, you're up first.
34:27There are your handholds.
34:28What news-related objects have we assembled for you?
34:31So you put your hands through the holes,
34:32feel the clues,
34:33and try and work out what the story is.
34:35Away you go.
34:36Get stuck in.
34:38Next.
34:39I see...
34:39That's a hand.
34:40That's a hand.
34:41Oh, my...
34:41Oh!
34:43LAUGHTER
34:45I've got a question.
34:46Yeah.
34:47Shall I put it back in the box,
34:48even though it's a bit...
34:49No!
34:50LAUGHTER
34:52What's wrong, dude?
34:54I don't know health and safety in New Zealand.
34:56Yeah, that's...
34:57I do want to...
34:58I do want to say perhaps that wasn't our fault.
35:01Yeah.
35:02Are these real eggs?
35:04This hasn't been health and safety checks.
35:05Is this a real egg?
35:06Give it a throw.
35:09LAUGHTER
35:11LAUGHTER
35:11LAUGHTER
35:12No!
35:12Just leave it, mate.
35:14Leave it.
35:14I found a flaw in this game.
35:17That's a real...
35:17That's a real egg.
35:18Just chuck everything out.
35:21Go on!
35:22The funny thing is,
35:23because I don't think it's helping you.
35:25No, it's not.
35:25Can you try and get Jeremy with the egg?
35:28You won't.
35:29You don't have...
35:29Oh, listen.
35:30Hang on.
35:30Go, go, go!
35:31Oh!
35:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
35:37There's something stuffed,
35:38and it's covered in egg.
35:40Is it like a chicken?
35:42There's a wheel.
35:42There's a wheel.
35:43You can't ask me questions.
35:44I can't.
35:45Oh, I'll tell you what came first.
35:46Have you got a wheel?
35:46I've got a wheel.
35:47Right, I've got a wheel.
35:48I've got a...
35:48I'm just twiddling with a knob.
35:51Can you feel a knob?
35:52Yeah, I can feel a knob.
35:54My other.
35:55My other.
35:56If you twiddle the knob,
35:58it makes a noise.
35:59And that's Jeremy's special game.
36:04So what have you got so far, Ben?
36:06Was the glass a test tube?
36:07Is that what that was?
36:08Yes, it was.
36:09We've got a test tube...
36:10It's not about IVF.
36:11There's eggs in test tubes.
36:12Eggs and a...
36:14Oh...
36:15Is that actually...
36:16And a knob!
36:17And a knob?
36:18What's significant is the thing
36:19you're touching right now
36:20that will help you crack this story?
36:22Like a lawnmower?
36:24People get pregnant
36:25when they get their lawns mowed.
36:27Shit, I've got to go!
36:30I've got to call Jim!
36:33Oh!
36:36Maybe it's not literally a lawnmower.
36:38That's just a clue
36:39if you combine the fluffy thing.
36:41Is it a...
36:42It's a bird of some kind.
36:44Bird mower.
36:45Oh, a mower!
36:45Oh, they're going to bring back the mower.
36:47They're going to bring back the mower!
36:48Yes!
36:48There it is!
36:49Correct.
36:52Thank God.
36:54That was about the claim
36:55from Colossal Biosciences,
36:57the company,
36:58that they're one step closer
36:59to Frankensteining the mower
37:00back from extinction
37:01and direct defiance of God
37:02and Jeff Goldblum.
37:04Experts have said
37:05resurrecting the mower
37:06will be great for tourism,
37:07biodiversity and omelettes.
37:09All right, team two,
37:10it is your turn now.
37:11Conduct a thorough digital investigation.
37:13Report back with your findings, please.
37:14That is your box.
37:15Go for it.
37:16Don't knock anything onto the floor.
37:17Wait, I want to...
37:18Hmm.
37:21What did I just say?
37:22Massive floor.
37:23What's that?
37:23It's wet!
37:24It is wet.
37:25Why is everything so wet?
37:26That's a lettuce.
37:27That's a lettuce.
37:28That's an iceberg lettuce.
37:29Wow!
37:30That's an iceberg lettuce.
37:31It doesn't have the same
37:33thickness and resistance
37:34as cabbage.
37:37And I think this is another toy.
37:39I'm feeling...
37:39I actually think I know this story.
37:41Oh!
37:42But I don't want to give it away yet.
37:43I want you guys to feel around it.
37:44Oh, this is chocolate.
37:45Chocolate.
37:46Like Whittaker's.
37:47I think I know what it is.
37:48Chocolate, lettuce.
37:49What have you got there, Mel?
37:51What do you think?
37:51Okay, what I think this is...
37:54LAUGHTER
37:57That's not the game.
37:59But it is lettuce.
38:00We were right about that.
38:00It is lettuce, yeah.
38:03Good to see you tossing the salad.
38:06LAUGHTER
38:08LAUGHTER
38:08LAUGHTER
38:09OK.
38:10OK.
38:11All right, Mel?
38:11I think this is a story about...
38:15At a Woolworths, someone brought home some lettuce
38:18and there was a frog, a live frog,
38:21in the bag of lettuce.
38:23What?
38:23Boom, she's done it.
38:24Round of applause.
38:25Yes!
38:25Stop it!
38:27It was a frog you knocked on the floor there.
38:29That's about the Australian farmer,
38:31Western Australia,
38:32who recently found a live frog
38:33in a bag of lettuce he'd bought
38:34from the supermarket.
38:35His flatmates named the frog Greg
38:37before releasing him into a local pond.
38:39And in other news, the Australian ecosystem
38:41has been devastated by European lettuce frogs.
38:43So, good story, bad story.
38:45I just want to get the Freddo out.
38:47That's for me.
38:48LAUGHTER
38:49Well done.
38:50I'm sorry, team one.
38:51Too much throwing.
38:51Took you too long.
38:52Team two gets the star.
38:53Well done.
38:55APPLAUSE
38:57That was...
38:58Come on, kill the news.
38:59A little worrying they didn't find
39:00the tarantula we put in their boxes.
39:02So, fair warning, likely escaped
39:03and is currently roaming the studio.
39:05All right, I've got one more
39:06burger-fueled brain grill for you at home.
39:08And here it is here.
39:09Check it out.
39:10You can get a longer peek at it
39:12up on our socials
39:13where you can enter your own caption
39:14to win some burger-fuel of your own.
39:16We're going to take a break.
39:17Find the spider.
39:18Not a euphemism.
39:19We'll see you soon on Seven Days.
39:21CHEERING
39:24CHEERING
39:25CHEERING
39:28CHEERING
39:29CHEERING
39:30CHEERING
39:32Welcome back to Seven Days.
39:35Unfortunately, we didn't find the tarantula,
39:36which means it's probably escaped
39:38through the TV screen
39:38and is now hiding in your living room.
39:40Let us know if you see her.
39:41Her name is Susan.
39:42All right.
39:43You know what?
39:43Let's top the evening off
39:45with a nice, relaxing game of captions.
39:46I'll show our team some of the more bizarre photos
39:48from the week
39:48and they will take a stab
39:49at guessing the caption.
39:51Team one, you are up first.
39:52Caption this picture, please.
39:54Um...
39:55Is it,
39:55new world record set
39:56for most Eastern European photo ever?
39:58LAUGHTER
40:00LAUGHTER
40:02LAUGHTER
40:02I know you've got a lot of band members,
40:04but Fat Freddy's drop is getting out of control.
40:06LAUGHTER
40:08LAUGHTER
40:08LAUGHTER
40:09Is it, um,
40:09guy with massive drum,
40:11Mrs. Bring Your Accordion?
40:13LAUGHTER
40:15LAUGHTER
40:15Is this,
40:16little boy prepares for friendless life?
40:19LAUGHTER
40:20LAUGHTER
40:22This is, this is actually,
40:23it's a UNESCO World Heritage site.
40:25It's a, a Great Wall of Virgins.
40:28LAUGHTER
40:29LAUGHTER
40:31Um, is it,
40:32men will do anything
40:33to avoid a quiet moment of self-reflection?
40:37LAUGHTER
40:38LAUGHTER
40:38This is, uh...
40:39Is it, Jeremy Corbett's servants
40:41prepare to welcome him home?
40:43LAUGHTER
40:44LAUGHTER
40:45That is 450 or so accordion players
40:48gathering at Lake Bled in Slovenia
40:49for a mass performance,
40:51one of the country's most recognisable folk traditions?
40:53Obviously not with our panel.
40:56All right, team one, back to you.
40:57What's this photo all about?
40:59LAUGHTER
41:01LAUGHTER
41:01Uh, a group of men demonstrate
41:03how they would have stopped 9-11.
41:06LAUGHTER
41:08This is a future version of Jeremy's special game.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:12The activist scale Timaru's tallest building.
41:17LAUGHTER
41:17That is the US Naval Academy freshman, or plebes,
41:21climbing the Herndon Monument.
41:23A bit of a tradition.
41:23It's covered in vegetable fat,
41:25just to make it a bit easier.
41:27LAUGHTER
41:27Team two, have a look at this photo
41:28and give me a caption, please.
41:31Is that, uh,
41:31the iceberg that sunk the Titanic
41:33has been released on parole?
41:36LAUGHTER
41:36LAUGHTER
41:37Yeah.
41:38It's like Titanic 2,
41:39the iceberg's back.
41:41LAUGHTER
41:41Oh, is it, um...
41:43Uh, Uber for iceberg?
41:45LAUGHTER
41:46That is a large iceberg, not surprisingly,
41:48grounded in the harbour in Pooch Cove in Newfoundland,
41:50also known as Iceberg Alley.
41:52Well-named.
41:53Team two, your turn now.
41:54Here's your picture.
41:55What is the caption, please?
41:56Is this someone's step-dad
41:58trying to make up for missing 67 consecutive birthdays?
42:03LAUGHTER
42:03Yeah, whatever floats your boot.
42:06LAUGHTER
42:08Uh, the only way to stop this terrorist attack
42:12is some prick.
42:14LAUGHTER
42:16LAUGHTER
42:18Disgruntled man gets fired from Look Sharp
42:20and really takes it all out.
42:24LAUGHTER
42:24All right, any more for that?
42:25An ambitious pedophile.
42:28LAUGHTER
42:31LAUGHTER
42:31LAUGHTER
42:32LAUGHTER
42:33That's so funny.
42:34That's what pedophiles are lacking, ambition.
42:38LAUGHTER
42:39That's a travelling balloon seller
42:40in a vehicle modified to carry dozens of character balloons
42:43in Banda Aceh in Indonesia.
42:46Wow.
42:46That is, uh, all right.
42:48Yeah, Banda Aceh.
42:49OK, OK, OK.
42:49Did I get it wrong?
42:50No, I got it wrong.
42:51It's funny the way you struggled.
42:52You got it wrong.
42:52Yeah, I did.
42:53What is Banda Aceh?
42:55Banda Aceh?
42:56Yeah.
42:58Wow!
42:59Brilliant.
43:00You know what you said.
43:01Yeah.
43:02And with that gripping round of captions,
43:04it's time to see how the star chart panned out this evening.
43:06Let's take a gander.
43:07Look at that.
43:08Congratulations to tonight's winner,
43:10Team One!
43:12CHEERING
43:14Enjoy your spy kits.
43:17CHEERING
43:20To be fair, I wouldn't recommend using it
43:22on the more important jobs.
43:24That is all from us this week.
43:26Thank you for being you
43:27and for lending us your eyeballs and your ear balls.
43:29Please join me in thanking Ben, Carl, Emma, Mel, Johanna and Azeem.
43:33We'll see you in seven days.
43:34On some days.
43:34Good night.
43:40Thank you so much, New Zealand on air.
43:41We really appreciate all your support
43:43for all the comics here.
43:45Oh, Jeremy, it's time for your pills again.
43:46Come on.
43:47Come on.
43:48Come on.
43:49Come on.
43:49Let's go.
43:50Let's go.
43:51Let's go.
43:51This one's an enema.
43:53Come on.
43:53Let's go.
43:54Let's go.
43:54Let's go.
43:54Let's go.
43:54Let's go.
43:54Let's go.
43:55Let's go.
43:55Let's go.
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