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Jsamoan
  • 9 hours ago
Taskmaster Australia S05E02

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:04Where's the ball?
00:05No!
00:06Woo!
00:07Oh!
00:13I'm totally going.
00:14Yee-dee!
00:16Damn!
00:18Woo!
00:23Here you go, good boy.
00:24Don't make me chocolate, you!
00:28You're going to be like this today, aren't you?
00:39Hello and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:41The game is simple.
00:43Five comedians do some shit at my behest in front of a virginal man with a whistle.
00:48One of them will get a trophy of my head and one of them will be executed in the car
00:53park.
00:54Ah, that won't be part of the show.
00:56I just assume from looking at Brett Blake that he's going to get murdered at some point.
01:00Mucking in tonight we have...
01:02Anissa Nandela.
01:05Brett the victim Blake.
01:08Celia Pakwala.
01:11Joel Creasy.
01:13And Perth's very own, Grove McManus.
01:19Now beside me it's the man who was turned down for Channel 10's buddy program.
01:25He's too old to be a little buddy and he obviously can't be a big one.
01:29It's Tom Cashman.
01:36All right Lissa Tom, hit me with a prize task.
01:39Our first task of course is a prize task.
01:41Each of our contestants have brought in a prize and the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five
01:45prizes.
01:46Tonight our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the best thing that can be
01:50safely concealed in your mouth at the start of an episode record.
01:58Okay, Brett, what have you brought for us?
02:07It's um, famous football player Warwick Capper's golden undies.
02:14Unwashed.
02:19That's pretty good.
02:20How did you get them?
02:21On eBay, surprisingly his career has gone really bad and he's selling everything.
02:25Oh, so they're his actual...
02:26They're his actual undies.
02:27Yeah, $27.
02:30Bad.
02:33Oh no.
02:34We haven't thought this through at all.
02:35Joel's desperate to talk.
02:38I thought Joel would have been used to speaking with a mouthful.
02:42He thinks they're Kylie Minogue's undies.
02:46They're not.
02:46Oh.
02:48Okay.
02:48Rove, what have you brought in?
02:52I just went with air.
02:54Oh.
02:57The task is the best thing.
02:59The life-giving oxygen that is all around us is very important.
03:04Warwick Capper's groin is also life-giving.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:13So Celia, what have you hidden?
03:16Oh God.
03:17Oh.
03:18Oh, that was grosser than I expected.
03:21It says a necklace that a stranger, a fan made for me that says somebody at Channel 7 has f***ed
03:27me.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:30Wow.
03:33So just to be clear, this is something that you said at the Logies.
03:36Yes.
03:37I was presenting an award, it was on Channel 7, and the autocue was incorrect, so I said the wrong
03:42award.
03:42And instead of being professional and smoothing that over, I said on live television,
03:48someone at Channel 7 has f***ed me before they were able to cut away from me.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:54And it apparently resonated with a lot of people, because it turns out someone at Channel 7 has f***ed a
03:59lot of people.
04:01Can I say, it's wonderful to be here at Channel 10.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:04Anissa, what are you concealing?
04:08Oh.
04:09Oh, oh.
04:11Don't judge me!
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13I have a poem, which is very difficult to read.
04:17This is a poem for you.
04:19Oh, for me?
04:20Yeah, the best thing I can do is a poem that...
04:22Oh, God.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:26LAUGHTER
04:31Dear Task Massa...
04:34LAUGHTER
04:35Your personality is a chandelier filling the room with lights.
04:39Your jokes are an assorted box of chocolate, each filled with delights.
04:44You are my favourite of the whites.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48Wow.
04:50APPLAUSE
04:56Did you like it?
04:57Yeah, I feel really flattered, but I feel like there are a few traps in there for me.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:01It's hard to be white and proud, if you know what I mean.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:05Joel, you've been waiting to show us what's in your mouth.
05:08Mm-hm.
05:09What have you got in your mouth, Joel?
05:11Mm-hm.
05:12Oh!
05:13Oh!
05:14Oh!
05:14Oh!
05:15Oh!
05:15Oh, Celia!
05:17Oh!
05:18Oh, Celia!
05:21You know what you did!
05:22Celia!
05:27I've had fake blood in there the whole time.
05:30Oh, my God.
05:31It was disgusting.
05:31I thought you had bad acting in there.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:38I did a year on Neighbours, thank you very much.
05:42So, while you were doing all that mime before, you had that ready to go?
05:46Yeah.
05:47OK.
05:48I was very gay.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:51All right, well, we need some scores here, don't we?
05:53Yes.
05:53I'm going to have to give one point to Brett, because it was not safely concealed.
05:56Much like Warwick Capper's cock while he was wearing that.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:02I'm going to give Celia two.
06:03I knew it.
06:03I should have thought this through.
06:04You bloody love the Logies.
06:06Yeah, yeah.
06:06You love her!
06:07It's because I think it is an institution that is beyond critique.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:12All right.
06:13Like, I'd prefer to make fun of the church, you know?
06:16LAUGHTER
06:16Well, guess what?
06:16Someone at the church me as well.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21APPLAUSE
06:25I'm going to give three points to Joel, because I love the entertainment.
06:28I'm not sure it was the best thing.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:32What?!
06:32Air's better than that, so four points to Rove.
06:35Anissa read out a very beautiful poem, which I...
06:37Yes, Massa!
06:40It was a very beautiful poem.
06:42It was easily the best thing, and it made me into a proud white man.
06:47LAUGHTER
06:49All right, enough of this half-assed live crap.
06:52Let's watch something people have put a bit more effort into, shall we?
06:55Sure.
06:55A big F you to any fans of individualism.
06:57It's our first team task of the season.
07:00CHEERING
07:13Hey, Tom.
07:14Hey, Anissa.
07:14It's my birthday!
07:16We're really celebrating, if so.
07:19Ah!
07:24Is that for me?
07:26Not yet.
07:27Do I have to say please?
07:28I'm pretty sure that was you, Tom.
07:30I'm not sure about that.
07:31Hello.
07:31Ah!
07:32Ah!
07:35Careful!
07:36Ooh!
07:36I hate balloons!
07:38Oh, my God, Rita!
07:39Whoa!
07:40Anissa, hello!
07:42My friend!
07:43May we hug?
07:44I would love a hug.
07:46Are you wonderful?
07:47Oh, my gosh!
07:48Oh, my gosh!
07:48Oh, my gosh!
07:49Oh, my gosh!
07:51Oh, my God!
07:52Oh, shit!
07:53Oh, my God!
07:55Hello!
07:55We're not...
07:56We're not supposed to pop them.
07:57Let's just leave this loser and go have some fun with balloons.
07:59Have a good time.
08:00Pink!
08:01My friends?
08:01I've got friends!
08:02Yes!
08:03I know!
08:03I'm not very good at this show.
08:04Oh, my gosh!
08:06I'm so bad at this show.
08:07Oh, good.
08:09What?
08:11Okay, am I...
08:12Do you want to read it?
08:12No, I can't even open it.
08:13I feel like...
08:14Yay!
08:14Pop the golden balloon.
08:17If you do a forbidden thing, you must don a piece of protective clothing from your mannequin.
08:23What does don mean?
08:24Um, like you're the boss of all the mafia.
08:27So we will have to go and commit crimes, chop off a horse's head, put it in a bed.
08:32Are you kidding?
08:33Like, cement shoes, throw someone in a river.
08:35If you do a forbidden thing again, you must do a spin with your hands by your side for
08:41every time you've done that forbidden thing.
08:43Fewest red balloons popped wins.
08:45Your time starts now.
08:47Well, we don't need to panic.
08:49Let's just, I guess, start to look for a golden balloon and if we...
08:55You've done a forbidden thing.
08:56Please don an item.
09:03Straight off the top there, I noticed that everyone was wearing earbuds except for Britt
09:06Blake.
09:07What were you thinking?
09:07Are you just going to tough it out?
09:08What?
09:11I'm actually deaf in one ear, so I was like, whatever, who cares if they both go down.
09:17Now, Rover, it was good to see you trying to help out the next generation of comedians
09:20by explaining what Don was by talking about The Godfather, a film from the early 70s.
09:26So, Anissa, have you seen The Godfather?
09:29Oh, no.
09:31No.
09:31So you didn't know what he was talking about?
09:33I had no idea, but I'm trying to make friends, so I was like, okay, that's nice.
09:36But also, it's not...
09:39Alright, well, I think we need some team names.
09:41Okay.
09:41I'm feeling inspired by commercial radio.
09:43I thought, Roe, you and Anissa could be called The Breakfast Show, because often,
09:46like, in commercial radio, they get someone very high profile and an unknown.
09:49So I feel like the other three, when they do a drive show, they get three people who
09:54would clearly never hang out together.
09:56So you're The Drive Show.
09:59The Breakfast Show and The Drive Show.
10:01Alright, Tom, let's get spiky.
10:04Call it a pop duo, because we've got both teams at once.
10:07Okay, what is a forbidden thing?
10:09Dunno, but we need a golden balloon to pop.
10:12Brett has done a forbidden thing.
10:14Please don an item on your mannequin.
10:16Okay, don't let any balloons out, you have to sneak out.
10:19Celia has done a forbidden thing.
10:21Please don an item on your mannequin.
10:24Joel has done a forbidden thing.
10:26Please don an item on your mannequin.
10:30Anissa has done a forbidden thing.
10:32Oh, you're a dickhead.
10:33There's spikes on this.
10:35Ah!
10:37What happened?
10:38They're sharp.
10:39No!
10:40Bad Tom.
10:41I think Helmut was a smart choice.
10:43Ah!
10:44Celia has done a forbidden thing.
10:45Wait, we don't get in trouble if we...
10:49Oh, I think he can't point.
10:52I can do the middle, and I'll look in this corner.
10:55Why are you thrusting?
10:57That looks so simple.
10:58Oh, jeez.
10:59Pop the golden balloon.
11:02Anissa has done a forbidden thing.
11:03I think the B word is a forbidden thing.
11:09Please don an item.
11:09This reminds me, I've got to get my hemorrhoids checked.
11:11I feel like it's going to be something very annoying, and it's...
11:14Brett has done a forbidden thing.
11:16Please don an additional item from your mannequin.
11:18Do not bend over.
11:19Oh!
11:20How will you know if we pop the...
11:23Sorry.
11:24Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
11:28Brett has done a forbidden thing.
11:30Please don two additional items from your mannequin.
11:33I'm running out of items.
11:35Oh.
11:36I found something.
11:37If you look down here, I have uncovered an arrow pointing towards Tom.
11:43Oh, you turn.
11:45It's a really small thing.
11:46Yeah, it's...
11:46Brett, what are you doing?
11:47Stop it!
11:49I did the thing.
11:50I didn't want to talk about it.
11:52I...it's...I got it.
11:53You did it?
11:53Yeah.
11:54I knew you were hiding it, you cheeky.
11:56Brett has not done the thing.
11:58There it is.
11:59Hiding in the corner.
12:01Enjoy this moment.
12:04No.
12:04They set this up.
12:06They have to sit through it.
12:07Almost done.
12:07Here we go.
12:09Woo!
12:11Woo!
12:12Woo!
12:13Woo!
12:14Hiya, waiter!
12:15Thanks, Scott.
12:16I did it!
12:17I did it, like, ten minutes ago, you idiots!
12:20Oh, my God!
12:22On and on, Miss Victor Bond.
12:34So, just starting with The Drive Show, there were forbidden things.
12:37Did all of you feel like you were keeping track of the forbidden things?
12:40Celia was onto it quite quick with the balloons.
12:42Thank you. I'm the girl one.
12:47In the drive show world, I'm the girl one.
12:49I'm the diversity hire.
12:52And I'm the fat idiot that does a secret sound.
12:56So just remind me, what were the forbidden things?
12:59So our contestants couldn't say the word balloon.
13:01You couldn't point, they couldn't duck below the balloons.
13:03The final one is that they weren't allowed to touch me,
13:06which no-one showed any interest of doing.
13:11So what are the scores? How do we score this?
13:13Well, so it's fewest pops wins.
13:15Yep.
13:15Our team of two had 32 pops.
13:18Our team of three also 32. It's a tie.
13:21I think they both seemed relatively average.
13:24Okay.
13:24So I'm going to give them all three.
13:25Okay. 33, 33, 33.
13:26Yep.
13:30What are the scores in the episode so far?
13:32Well, Brett is in last place with four points.
13:35But Anissa's out in front with eight points.
13:39Well, that's it for part one.
13:41Time for a break so I can poke Tom Cashman with thumbtacks
13:45and see if he pops.
13:46We'll be back after this.
13:58Welcome back to Taskmaster where we're going to find out
14:01which Australian comedian is the most...
14:04I don't know, it doesn't really matter.
14:05Lesser Tom?
14:06You've got a task for us?
14:08That I do, mullies.
14:26A little upskirt camera.
14:28Nice.
14:31Can I enter?
14:32Sure thing.
14:33Oh ho ho ho.
14:34Why have you got swagger?
14:36Working hard or hardly working.
14:39Dude.
14:40Oh, I'm going to have an asthma attack in here.
14:42What?
14:44Why are you dabbing at me?
14:46Yeah, he's here.
14:47Yeah, he's the better, isn't he?
14:50No, your words not mine, mate.
14:52Did it hurt?
14:53When I fell from heaven?
14:54No.
14:55Yeah.
14:55Keeping it real?
14:57Very nice.
15:01Be cringe.
15:02Oh, you've been cringe before.
15:05Most cringe wins.
15:06You have 25 minutes.
15:08Your time starts now.
15:10What makes me go, ugh?
15:12The Borat stuff is one thing.
15:15Austin Powers stuff?
15:16All of that sort of, do I make you horny?
15:22I think you made that knob horny.
15:23I made that knob horny, baby, yeah!
15:27Public displays of affection.
15:28Oh.
15:29Taking a photo of themselves making out.
15:31I'm going to have to do that, aren't I?
15:32When a man hits on someone that is clearly not interested,
15:35but they just won't stop, that is cringe.
15:38For the sake of this, I need you to be the woman.
15:39I'm a 50-year-old man.
15:41I should dance.
15:42Do you have any children nearby?
15:47I know what the most cringe I've ever seen was.
15:49So I'm going to borrow you, and then I'm going to come back,
15:53and it's all going to make sense.
15:54We don't have long, so I need you to hurry up
15:56and send out some invites.
15:58Get cracking.
15:59Coming back here.
16:00You can relax.
16:01There's no cars involved.
16:03We can have our panic attacks later.
16:11I'm Lester Tom.
16:12I don't want to see you with swagger ever again.
16:15It did occur to me that I was trying to be cringe
16:17in all those different ways, but the one that I did for Brett,
16:19I just seemed like a normal, confident man.
16:22All right.
16:23Brett, what did you mean by upskirt camera?
16:25What's that about?
16:27I haven't heard of them.
16:29Oh.
16:29Are you more of a shoe mirror guy?
16:34Don't know what that is either.
16:35Don't.
16:36I really...
16:37Now, Rove, I'm also a 50-year-old man,
16:40and I can confirm that Austin Powers is cringe.
16:44Rove did such a strong Austin Powers impression
16:47he broke the caravan.
16:49It came out way too easily.
16:51Way too easily.
16:52Okay, Lester Tom, who do we have first?
16:54First up, in their attempt to be very nice at the task,
16:57I refuse to do the voice again, it's Anissa and Rove.
17:04Woo!
17:05Let's get this party started!
17:06Hey, everybody!
17:07Sorry, I didn't bring any drinks for the bath,
17:09but I just took one anyway.
17:11All right, we having a good time?
17:13Damn!
17:17Damn!
17:20My name's Tom.
17:22I'm Anissa.
17:25Oh, delicious.
17:26Smells like cocoa butter.
17:26This party be skippity.
17:29Yeah?
17:30You know what I'm saying.
17:31DJ, turn the music on.
17:33Hey, everyone.
17:33I'm Jessica's uncle, Glen.
17:35I'm just here uninvited, but I thought surprise.
17:38What's a girl like you doing here by yourself?
17:41I'm not by myself.
17:42I'm with friends, actually.
17:43Can I be a friend?
17:44Let's get some skippity-toilet action!
17:48Yeah, baby!
17:50That's what my wife would really like.
17:53I'm scared to be vulnerable.
17:56Someone like you, it feels easy to let my guard down as a man.
17:59We've been talking for about 2.5 minutes.
18:01That's what I mean, it's easy.
18:03Can I get your number?
18:04Will it mean that you leave me alone?
18:08No, I don't want the number then.
18:09Okay.
18:10Come on!
18:11Let's get the party started.
18:12Come on!
18:12Let's get some riz going here.
18:15Woo!
18:18I'm running, but I'm not going anywhere.
18:24Who wants to pick up my legs?
18:25Pick up my legs, pick up my legs.
18:26Oh, my wheelbarrow!
18:28What?
18:29I'm not leaving here without one dance.
18:32Oh, that's great.
18:33Put me down there.
18:34Oh.
18:34Oh, sorry.
18:35That hurt my back.
18:37Bop!
18:37Bop!
18:37Will you marry me?
18:38Marry you?
18:40I'll take care of you.
18:41I'll leave you to it.
18:42I'll leave you to it.
18:43I'm going to go throw up in the garden.
18:45Happy 21st, Jessica!
18:47Oh.
18:50Not very riz.
18:55That was very cringe.
18:57Okay.
18:57So, Anissa, for you, being cringe was a creepy guy?
19:02Yeah, just a guy who can't take no for an insight.
19:05He just keeps going.
19:06So, is this based on personal experience?
19:08Have you had to deal with this?
19:09Yeah, I've had to deal with this.
19:11But I also think I've also been that person.
19:15It actually kind of looks a bit cool.
19:17It looks so cool.
19:18I might try that.
19:18It's like dodging all the no vibes.
19:20Yeah.
19:24Okay, now, Rove, I feel like this was really playing into your strengths.
19:31I mean, it was amazing to watch.
19:36I feel like you are the cringe champ.
19:38I've got to play to my strengths.
19:39As soon as I opened up, I just went, I got this.
19:41I took my time.
19:42Oh, it was fantastic.
19:42You were just constant entertainment.
19:44That's why I got three gold Logies.
19:51Alright, it's time for an ad break.
19:53When we return, we'll have some more comedians being as cringe as possible.
19:57And also the rest of the task.
19:59See you then.
20:11Welcome back to Taskmaster, where our contestants are battling it out in a fight to the reputational
20:17death.
20:17Um, actually, your reputation can't die.
20:21Okay?
20:21Reputation lives on after death.
20:25That's the kind of thing they're trying to do.
20:27Up next, it's Joel and Celia.
20:30I'm going to do an art attack.
20:31This is an art attack.
20:33This is an art attack.
20:34This is.
20:35An art attack?
20:36No.
20:37Ah, just art attack.
20:38What's the most ick things people call each other?
20:40Partner in crime?
20:42Honey pumpkin.
20:42My forever boo.
20:43Art attack?
20:44It was that show back in, like, the early noughties, late nineties.
20:48And you would do, like, big writings on the ground.
20:52Hang on, I'm going to change it round.
20:55Ugh.
20:56How the f*** do people do this?
20:57How do they do it?
21:02How good's that?
21:04Mmm.
21:05Did I get it?
21:06Ugh, I hate this.
21:07I hate this so much.
21:10Some people might say the bongos are a bit cringe.
21:13You've got one minute and 49 seconds.
21:14Oh, shit, do I?
21:15Shit, shit, shit.
21:16Go and get it out!
21:18Oh, it's good hay.
21:20Imagine that from up top.
21:22This is an art attack.
21:23This is an art attack.
21:24This is an art attack.
21:25This is art attack.
21:27Ta-da.
21:29Look, I'm being cringe.
21:30Tom, can you be part of the A?
21:32Okay.
21:32Oh, oh.
21:33Wah, wah, wah.
21:35Oh, that's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
21:37I hate it.
21:38Oh, I'm cringing.
21:39Now tell me some of your stand-up.
21:40Um, diarrhea.
21:42Very difficult to spell.
21:43Diarrhea.
21:44Very difficult to spell.
21:45Very easy to push out of your arsehole.
21:47Very easy to push out of your arsehole.
21:52Gross.
21:54Okay, so it has to be, uh-oh, out with my forever partner in crime.
22:01Hashtag, so in love.
22:02Hashtag, blessed.
22:03Hashtag, candid.
22:05Hashtag, so in love.
22:06Blessed.
22:06Lot of blessed.
22:07Okay.
22:08Blessed, blessed, blessed.
22:08Heart, heart, hearts.
22:10I hated that thoroughly.
22:11But I love love.
22:12Just keep it to yourself.
22:14I'm quenching.
22:17And what do we say?
22:18This is an art attack.
22:19This is an art attack.
22:20This is an art attack.
22:23This is an art attack.
22:23No, it's just art attack.
22:24Oh, okay.
22:25Thanks, Joel.
22:26See ya.
22:26Have fun cleaning up.
22:35So, Celia, what were you going for there?
22:37I hate, uh, public displays of affection, particularly when people post them online.
22:41Particularly, this was a specific thing that I remember is for people who post photos of,
22:45like a selfie of them making out.
22:47A friend, a friend of mine once posted a picture of himself on the beach in his speedos and
22:51he said, missing grandma, hashtag one year today.
22:57PDA is pretty cringe worthy, but like having PDA with a pretend boyfriend, is that how
23:01you were trying to elevate it?
23:02My choice was mannequin or Tom, so.
23:05Mannequin.
23:05Ew.
23:06Ew.
23:07I was right there.
23:08Yeah.
23:10Could have been more cringe.
23:12Everyone at home would have been imagining his prickly little face on their lips.
23:16Imagine explaining to my boyfriend and father of my child that it's not cheating because
23:21it was cringe.
23:22You know?
23:23That's...
23:25That's the thinking.
23:27Now, Joel, I put it to you that you just wanted to do an art attack.
23:30I really...
23:31I'm not sure it had much to do with cringe.
23:34Well, people tell me I'm cringe all the time no matter what I do, so there were so
23:38many options, I figured, why not do an art attack and use some of Tom's...
23:45material.
23:46Um...
23:47And what's cringier than leaving it for the crew to clean up after?
23:50I actually felt terrible, but...
23:51So, you just left all the mess there because you thought that would be cringe to have other
23:55people clean up after you.
23:56And with all the other tasks, you helped the crew tidy up.
24:02Um...
24:02Yeah.
24:04Yeah, well, that was...
24:05That was...
24:06You know, it was good.
24:07It was good.
24:08It was...
24:08Be cringe.
24:09I wrote it out, didn't I?
24:10I know, but you missed an opportunity there.
24:12Because the whole point was to be cringe and you even spelt out be and cringe and you
24:19put yourself in the word be.
24:22You could have literally been cringe, but instead you be be.
24:30I'll pay you that one.
24:31Yeah.
24:33Very good point.
24:35All right.
24:36Well, that's...
24:36I'm glad you gave yourself a one.
24:39Oh, come on.
24:40All the crew had to clean up.
24:42Give it for...
24:43Do it for the crew.
24:45I don't give a f*** about the crew.
24:49All right, Cashman.
24:50Put me out of my misery.
24:51The cringiest thing to him is a normal haircut.
24:54It's Brett Blake.
24:59Yeah.
25:00Ready for another one.
25:01Where'd the bloody go?
25:03Do another cast.
25:04Yeah.
25:06Is that what I sound like?
25:07I do whatever the f*** I want.
25:09I want to just spin the camera.
25:12Yo, it's Tom.
25:14Come on in.
25:15The world's most sexiest man.
25:17God, have you been working out?
25:19I think that's what he said.
25:20I don't like this on you.
25:21Why do I sound like I've had helium?
25:23I do not sound like that.
25:25You're up here.
25:26Look, you're pissing me off as me.
25:27And I don't like being angry at myself
25:29because I like to be positive.
25:30I bloody do what I want.
25:31I bloody do what I want.
25:32Yeah, I like this.
25:34Let's go have some fun as Brett.
25:35Come on, dude.
25:36You're going to love this.
25:37I'm not because...
25:38Oh, I'm a boring nerd.
25:41Stick to time.
25:42Kick that over the roof.
25:43That's cool.
25:45Oh, I don't...
25:45That was a good one.
25:47I didn't give a hoot what effect that has on anyone else.
25:49Kick that one over the roof.
25:51Go on.
25:52That seems like it should...
25:53I shouldn't.
25:54Just shut up and kick the ball.
25:57Did you make it?
25:58Yeah, it went high.
25:59Do this one.
26:00Joke is it's really hard.
26:01Oh!
26:04That hurt your foot?
26:05Yeah, got ya.
26:06That was sick.
26:07Congratulations.
26:08Congratulations to you, mate.
26:09You have just won Taskmaster.
26:10Yeah.
26:12Now back to your room, you scallywag.
26:15Oh, get on ya mate!
26:16Get on ya mate!
26:19Woo!
26:21Go!
26:21Give that guy a promotion.
26:23Hell yeah.
26:37Well, we're only two episodes in and I can feel a genuine resentment between you two and...
26:41Oh, it gets worse.
26:43Um, so to be cringe was to be lesser Tom.
26:46Lesser Tom was being the most cringe I've ever seen when he was pretending to be cringe.
26:51So then I thought I would become him, cause that's the most cringe thing.
26:56But then he became me and that pissed me off.
26:58And then I got excited to meet myself and then we just kicked some shit over a house.
27:01It was awesome.
27:02And then I forgot what the task was, but we had an awesome time, didn't we dude?
27:05It was sick.
27:06So, I think if anything, that's worth at least three points.
27:11Alright, well I should hand out some scores here.
27:13Yep.
27:14I mean, it just felt like such a missed opportunity.
27:16Joel could have literally been cringe, but he was B.
27:19So one point to Joel.
27:21Oh!
27:22Two points to Brett Blake because it was really entertaining and not very cringey at all.
27:25It was just a good old afternoon of fun, of bread on bread action.
27:30Uh, three points to Anissa.
27:32Yep.
27:32I felt quite creeped out by your advances.
27:35Four points for Celia.
27:37Oh!
27:37Oh my gosh!
27:37Cause that was a very cringe photo.
27:39But I feel like, you know, I've seen your Instagram, it just blended in.
27:43Olympic level of cringe.
27:45Rope.
27:46Skibbity!
27:46Skibbity!
27:49Bloody dahl, that's five points.
27:52Alright, if all that made you want to crawl off into a little hole and die, now would be the
27:57perfect opportunity.
27:58We'll see you after this.
28:11Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five comedians are jockeying for Brett Blake's jocks.
28:16Lessa Tom, I believe it might be time to crack open a freshie.
28:19A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
28:22That was said by philosopher Lao Tzu, 1400 years before the pogo stick was invented.
28:26How wrong he was.
28:46Tommyyyyy...
28:47Hey!
28:48Hi Brad.
28:48How was that a good one?
28:49Hello.
28:50Hi Celia.
28:52I'm glad you're my real dad.
28:55Me too.
28:56What's happening? You'll see
28:58Do you want a banana? No, thank you. Oh
29:02Illuminati circle
29:04May I yes, please
29:06Is that a big a?
29:08What is a big a?
29:10Is that what they call them the French the gay or my mixing bidet and bread? I think that's exactly
29:15what you're doing
29:21Choose up to two items then travel the furthest on them my big a
29:28It's not what it's called your journey must begin on the mat and once any part of you touches
29:34ground
29:35It's over once you touch an item. You must use it furthest journey wins you have 15 minutes your time
29:42starts
29:45Now right
29:50So an easy just to be clear. It's not the guy. It's baguette. Yeah, and it wasn't one. It's sourdough
29:57I'm the big guy
29:58I said big a like 30 times and you just looked at me and didn't correct me one. I corrected
30:07you so many times
30:09So just to be clear they've got two exercise balls a bucket a rubber duck
30:13Roller-skate a pogo stick a unicycle and of course a baguette
30:17But also Joel had all of those things, but he couldn't see the two exercise balls
30:27All right, who's first up listen Tom which one will go father or maybe neither of them will call their
30:32father. It's Joel and Celia
30:35Okay, I'm gonna hurt myself why because it's who I am. Oh, have you met me?
30:40What am I gonna do with a bread roll?
30:42Have a snack
30:43But maybe that won't work. Oh, you've touched the touch me. You must use the ball
30:48That was God's fault. What's that called wheelie shoe. What are they called again? Ice skate shoes ice skates?
30:55Oh, no, I know they're called rollerblades. I'm going the roller skate Tom. Okay. Oh, it's not my size
31:01Oh, no, oh, no, it's so small. Oh, no, it doesn't fit. Why did I pick this? Your foot fits
31:07perfectly, right? How convenient?
31:09I mean, I'm gonna go the pogo stick
31:11Eyes are up here. Okay. Oh my god. This could be a terrible idea. Hold on. Oh, yeah, no, this
31:17is okay
31:20Look how far I've got Tom. What could go wrong?
31:25Oh
31:27Just a quick break. Having a rest. Yeah, I got heaps of time. Don't rush me. How long have I
31:32got?
31:33Eight minutes and 51 seconds. Oh, I was hoping you'd say like two minutes. Does this look as graceful as
31:37it feels?
31:38How graceful does it feel just checking in? Not very. This is a real career highlight for me. Maybe I
31:43can head back towards the house. Okay
31:44I think maybe I should go back to
31:51You touched the ground. That wasn't my phone
31:55Oh, thank god
31:58How do you feel? Wrecked. All right, thanks. Thanks, Celia. Thanks, Tom.
32:09So, Celia, I just want to let you know we
32:12deliberately weakened that exercise ball so that that happened. Thank you
32:25I'm not going to let you know what I want. I need to go to the gym
32:28If you do don't sit on the exercise ball
32:32What was your thought process between choosing those two objects?
32:35Well, God chose me with the ball. It nudged the ball into me and I had no choice because of
32:39stickler McGee over here
32:42And then I don't know I just thought the roller skate seemed like a sort of the closest thing to
32:46a vehicle looks like a foot car, right?
32:50So, Joel, uh, why did you zero in on those two objects?
32:53Well, I couldn't see both the exercise balls obviously
32:56So they were out so I put on the foot car
32:58Yeah, which was way too small for me and then for some reason I went with the pogo stick
33:03But I think I covered some distance
33:05Well, I feel like you went quite a long way, but then you got bored and then you came back
33:09Yeah, but it's not about that wasn't it just about meters
33:11Well, it's up to you, but I think we should be counting how far you go in total. Thank you.
33:16Thank you dressing room three
33:17See you after the show
33:20To pay you
33:24Just so you know in future when I'm saying things and saying opinions, it's not for sexual favors
33:33How far did they travel well Celia's perfectly fitting roller skate got her exactly 16.4 meters
33:40Joel's roller derby pogo approach got him 226.1 meters in total
33:50Okay, let's the time let's see someone else's stunted hectic journey across the backyard please
33:55They say the longest journey is the one between our heads and our hearts. I hope this next guy gets
33:59further than that. It's Brett Blake
34:01I think I know what I'm gonna do
34:07This is a boring challenge
34:09Task
34:12Shut up
34:14It's really annoying the vans over there because if I could get to the van and drive yeah, that's an
34:19idea
34:25You had tape prepared yeah
34:27Am I nailing this furthest distance traveled?
34:33How far is the next pub?
34:36We're not allowed to leave the property. We don't have license plates. Well, then we get arrested by the police.
34:41They take us to the police station
34:43What's that closest police station is eight k's away?
34:47One that we can't do that. Yeah, I can watch. No we can't
35:01We can't get out there I
35:05Think it's gonna be furthest distance collectively, so I'm just gonna do this for seven minutes. Yeah
35:13You're such a drama queen babe. Have a look at me. Do you think this mullet's fake?
35:18Do you think this is my first time doing this?
35:21Tom's having a panic attack
35:23The mullet makes me more worried. Do you know what will make you really worried if I close my eyes?
35:33I reckon we got three k's in that. What do you reckon? Do you think?
35:36Three k's of doughnuts? Yeah, I'll just park in that corner, and then I think I've won. Careful
35:44That's a win. Next
35:48Taskmaster my ass
35:55Very good. Brad I think your bogan intelligence really blossomed in this one
36:00You're right. I really think I excelled in that and tom had a terrific time didn't you tom?
36:06I was I was a bit scared
36:09I've never seen producers more worried than doing that task. The stunt coordinator came with a fire extinguisher. If they're
36:16not stunt coordinators
36:21He's a health and safety officer
36:25I'll tell you what he is. He's a goddamn wet blanket
36:31All right, well, I think we have to know how far he went
36:34Well, Brett did 17 doughnuts at approximately 27 meters circumference each we think two trips up the drive and back
36:40That's 195 meters total plus an initial walk of 47 meters is 701 meters
36:47Wow
36:48Geez it doesn't get much better than this. We'll have a break because with great tv comes great ads. See
36:55you soon
37:07Welcome back to Taskmaster where our five comedians are finally doing something
37:11I've been asking them to do for years go far away
37:15That's right our contestants are trying to go as far as they can using only two items from the items
37:19in front of them
37:20Last up
37:20They're as far from each other as they can be on their chairs right now
37:23Is that a good omen or just boring?
37:25It's Anissa and Rove
37:27Can I at this present moment in time just put it out there?
37:32That no one's going to use the bread who's using bread?
37:36I'm riding the begay
37:38Where's bread gonna get you?
37:39You think I'm a fool, but I'm smart
37:42I'm in fact if someone does choose bread in my next task
37:46I will do the whole thing in falsetto. I'm a genius. I guarantee no one uses bread bam
37:55Me and my begay
37:57I'm seeing a pogo stick
37:59Do you know the last time I jumped on a pogo stick?
38:01No
38:01Can't remember when
38:02Oh
38:03So that's going to be dangerous and fun
38:06Begay
38:07I choose pogo stick
38:10Me and you are going all the way begay
38:12Okay
38:14Fudge
38:15Why are you breaking on me?
38:16I didn't think this through begay
38:19How do pogo sticks work?
38:23What?
38:26I'm pogoing
38:27I'm pogoing
38:31Did I get to the pond?
38:33Not quite
38:36Taskmaster taxi
38:38Service ride this voucher entitles you to one free taxi ride from tom
38:43Where do you want to go?
38:44Out of the property as far as possible please
38:47Yay
38:50Yee-haw
38:51I win
38:53You happy with this?
38:54Yes I win
38:56I stand by my call
38:58You're dead to me bread you're fine
38:59You're fine
39:00Thank you
39:00Anything you'd like to say to the others?
39:03Losers
39:04That's great I killed that
39:11What a contrast
39:13I feel like anise that was a real emotional roller coaster
39:16At first you were like misidentifying the bread for ages
39:19Then we thought you were a real idiot for trying to use it to get somewhere
39:24And then things changed
39:26As you guys couldn't see it none of you believed in me
39:29I knew the McGay was the way all along
39:37Now Rov I think you did a really good job too
39:41Of pretending you don't know how to ride a pogo stick
39:43Whereas I feel like that was right up your alley
39:45I think it says something about bret and I's personalities
39:49When he's just like laser focused on I want to get in the van
39:53And I'm like I want to bounce on a pogo stick
39:57Yeah, I was getting real circus skills vibes from you
40:00Oh my god Tom
40:00The agonising thought I had wrestling in my own mind
40:04Do I go with the pogo stick or the unicycle?
40:06What a conundrum
40:08Now Lester Tom
40:09Can you remind me what Rov said about that bread before the break?
40:12If someone uses bread I will do the whole next task in falsetto
40:16All right
40:17So uh
40:17How far did they get though?
40:19Rov travelled 8.2 metres
40:21Anissa travelled 4.2 kilometres
40:23Hey!
40:26Good day!
40:29So that means Rov gets one point Celia gets two
40:31Joel gets three
40:32Brett gets four
40:33But Anissa wins the task with five points
40:38Okay, so what does that do to the scores for the episode?
40:41Well it changes them
40:45Let's go to an ad break
40:47What a cliffhanger
40:49So Brett and Joel are in last place on 10 points
40:51Celia has 11
40:52Rov has 13
40:53But in the lead it's Anissa with 16 points
40:58Okay, well enough maths and numbers
41:00Get out of here everyone
41:02Go and do a live task for me
41:03Off you go
41:08Okay Cashman, before we get into this next task
41:11Let's just remember that Rov clearly said that if anyone used bread
41:15He would do the next task in falsetto
41:19Okay, who's going to read the task?
41:21Oh that will be Joel
41:21Oh well done Joel
41:25Is that what falsetto is?
41:26It sounds like a jockey to me
41:27But
41:31Paint your face in a silly way
41:34Then share a serious story
41:40There's more
41:41Biggest disparity between silly face and serious story wins
41:46You have two minutes to paint your face
41:48Then 20 seconds each to share a story
41:51Your time starts now
41:52Oh boy
42:02Why are you painting other parts of your body Joel?
42:05I'm getting to my face
42:09I think you've inspired Celia
42:11Yeah, did you need a puppy?
42:12Oh piss off Celia
42:17One minute left
42:18This is like an art attack
42:20Is it?
42:21Oh then Joel's going to crush this
42:26I don't think so
42:28I'm going to go back to my tits
42:29I'm going to go back to my tits
42:32The tits are irrelevant
42:33You're irrelevant
42:34Tits are never irrelevant
42:36How dare you?
42:37Ten seconds
42:41Paintbrushes down everybody
42:44Paintbrushes down
42:49And they saw you will be our first storyteller
42:52Oh, no, oh, no, she's gone white face
42:57I'd like to tell a story about the time that I went to a Pauline Hanson rally and asked her
43:05to marry me
43:09And she said no
43:15Which would have made everyone pretty happy because she was sticking to her guns
43:23Thank you, Anissa
43:25Brad Blake, please step up and tell a serious story
43:29All right, serious story
43:30Oh, um, I've done acting before
43:34Oh, have you?
43:38I'll do better than that
43:39Um, uh, one of the hardest gigs I ever did was about 12 years ago
43:44Um
43:46It was at a time
43:47I didn't even get to talk about my grandad going
43:50You f***ing arsehole
43:51Now I've just got dicks and s*** on my face on tv for no f***ing reason
43:56Celia, please step up and tell a serious story
43:59Agree
44:00When my friend Kelly and I, um, had to agree to put down our dog Deirdre Chambers
44:05Um, the vet went, I made a face and we went what?
44:08And she said, oh, I'm just looking at the monitor
44:09Her heart beats faster when she hears you talking to her
44:13Oh
44:20That was tough
44:23What?
44:24Okay, well, uh, we're going to be back soon with two more silly faces
44:27and hopefully some very serious stories after this
44:41Welcome back to Taskmaster
44:43We're about to hear some more serious stories
44:45by people who look like they've been vandalised by drunk toddlers
44:48That's right, we've got two remaining contestants
44:50two serious stories to hear from our silly looking people
44:53Joel Creasy, you are next
44:54Thank you very much
44:56Um, I have been dumped many times in my life
44:59Um, the most probably hardcore dumping
45:02Hence the incredible tears on my face
45:04Uh, well, when I took a man to see
45:06Have you heard about the Morgans?
45:08A Sarah Jessica Parker vehicle
45:10Uh, that bombed at the box office
45:13And he said he was going to get a chalk top
45:14And never returned
45:16And left me
45:17In the cinema
45:18On my own
45:19But it's revenge
45:20I hooked up with his brother
45:27Rose McManus, please step up
45:29Oh, I feel I'm already at a disadvantage
45:31But that's okay
45:33The most humiliating day of my life
45:36Was when I was on the school camp
45:39First day of year 12
45:40And my girlfriend dumped me
45:42She told all my friends first
45:44Before she told me
45:46Then she wrote it in a card that says
45:48You're dropped
45:49And it was valentine's day
45:59Alright
46:00Well, thank you so much for burying your souls
46:02Get down here so we can allocate some points
46:09Okay, well, I've got to give out some scores
46:11I'm thinking when it comes to the faces and the silliness
46:14They're all equally silly
46:15Compared to the story
46:16The stories were all over the shop
46:18So I'm going to give one point to Brett
46:20Because he didn't really get his story out
46:21And I'm going to give two points to Joel
46:23Because it sounded like a serious story
46:25But then at the end it got quite silly
46:26I read the task though
46:27I should get an extra point for that
46:30I'm not giving out points for comprehension
46:34I'm going to give three points to Anissa
46:36It was quite a silly story
46:37I suspect it never happened
46:38But I'm going to give four points to Rove
46:40He was up against it
46:41He had a silly voice
46:42Which distracted me from the story a little bit
46:44But it was very serious
46:45But I'm going to give five points to Celia
46:47For dropping some dark shit
46:50After putting on some weird make-up
46:51Thank you
46:55I'll tell you what
46:56That five points really makes killing my dog worth it
46:59All right Mr Numbers
47:04What does that mean for our overall episode score?
47:07Well Brett is in fifth place with 11 points
47:09But Anissa wins the episode with 19 points
47:13All right congrats Anissa
47:15Get up on stage to claim your five mouthfuls of prizes
47:20Well what have we learnt?
47:22Brent learnt that a stunt coordinator and a health and safety officer
47:26Aren't the same thing
47:27And we all learnt Rove can
47:30Austin powers so hard he can break a caravan
47:33One more congratulations to our episode winner Anissa
47:37Good night
47:54Are we still on air?
47:56Thank you
47:57Might have lost my tiny mind
48:00Take that year eight English teacher
48:03I did it
48:05Joel were you just repeating material?
48:08I learnt from the best
48:09Alright
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