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Taskmaster Australia S05E01

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:04Where's the ball?
00:05No!
00:06Woo-hoo!
00:08Oh!
00:13I'm pro-going!
00:14Yee-dee!
00:16Damn!
00:18Woo-hoo!
00:23Yeah, you're a good boy.
00:24Don't make me chocolate, you!
00:28You're gonna be like this today, aren't you?
00:38Hello and welcome to a brand new season of Taskmaster Australia.
00:43I'm Tom Gleeson and I'm back, baby.
00:45I've spent the off-season honing my mental physique
00:48and mastering my ability to be exceedingly judgmental
00:51in a way that only 75% of people would agree with.
00:54Also, I can watch five comedians attempt to impress me
00:58and walk away with a magnificent prize so rare
01:01there's only four of them for sale on Gumtree.
01:05A golden replica of my lustrous head.
01:12This week and every week we will be joined by...
01:21I'm so sorry.
01:23I'm so sorry.
01:24...and Perth's very own Robe McManus.
01:28And at my loyal side, the man who in the off-season somehow got his naughty bits stuck in the
01:34eye of a fidget spinner.
01:36It's Lesser Tom Cashman.
01:42It's not my fault, it was a design flaw.
01:46Alright, it's time for the prize task.
01:48That's right.
01:49Our first task is a prize task.
01:51Each of our contestants have brought in a prize.
01:52The best prize, as judged by the Taskmaster, will receive five points.
01:55Second best four points and so on.
01:57And the winner of tonight's episode will take home all five prizes.
02:00Tonight, our contestants have been asked to bring in what they consider to be the object
02:03most likely to satisfy the Taskmaster if he were to crush it in his hand.
02:09Alright, Anissa, what satisfyingly crushable object have you brought in?
02:13Well, I thought in this economy it's very difficult to maintain steady work,
02:18so I thought something that would satisfy you to crush would be the careers of your competitors.
02:30I like where you're going, but I think at the moment they're crushing their own careers, aren't they?
02:35Also, Robe, does it hurt you not to be up there?
02:37It's such a...
02:39Alright, Brett, what have you brought in?
02:40I know what your biggest beef is, and it's been, you know, all over the news and media.
02:44You have a big beef with Grant Denyer.
02:46So, I have got a mould of Grant Denyer's balls.
02:55And the best part is, that's actually a mould of his balls. Check this out.
03:07Wouldn't it be great just to put your hands down there, grab his balls and go,
03:10Deal or no deal, Grant?
03:16Right, Celia, what have you got?
03:17I brought something that is undeniably a pleasant thing for anybody to crush in their hand physically,
03:22and then I thought of something that you personally would like to crush.
03:25Yeah.
03:26A potato chip with Tom Cashman's dreams written on it.
03:36Wouldn't that be nice?
03:37Yeah, crushing the Pringle on its own would be very satisfying,
03:39but knowing that it had Cashman's dreams in there.
03:42I'm like, that's never going to happen either.
03:44I know.
03:46But it's a slippery slope though, because for me, once a pop, I can't stop.
03:52Right, Joel.
03:53Well, I was trying to impress the Taskmaster.
03:56We both clearly hate the sun, so therefore hate sand,
04:00because you know, that gets in all the cracks and very hard to get out.
04:02And so I have built a sand castle with the most crushable thing on it,
04:08Tom Cashman's face.
04:15Wow.
04:16That looks like the face I make when I find out I'm not getting a girlfriend.
04:20All right, Rove, what did you bring in?
04:21I took something that I have myself that I love to crush on a regular basis.
04:28It's this piece of cheese that when you crush it, this happens,
04:34a little mouse comes out.
04:38And it is thoroughly satisfying.
04:43The mouse is very cute, it's coming out of the cheese,
04:46but I grew up on a farm and we had a mouse plague
04:48and I'm traumatised by mice, so one point to Rove.
04:51Then I'm going to, what else am I going to go for?
04:53I have a pretend feud with Denya and a pretend feud with Peter Hellyer.
04:56They're actually good friends of mine.
04:57So I'm going to give two points to Brett and three points to Anissa,
05:01but I have a genuine feud with you, you s***head.
05:10So I'm going to give Joel four points, but five points to Celia because, you know.
05:16Oh my God.
05:18All right, that's enough piss farting about.
05:20I'm ready for a first task.
05:21The first task for season five.
05:23You've got it.
05:24Call us Philosophy 101.
05:25We're about to prevent death with a trolley problem.
05:40Hello, Tom.
05:42Hello, Thomas.
05:43Hey.
05:44I like your place.
05:50Hi, Rose.
05:51Oh, hi Tom.
05:52Dude, is that your car?
05:54That's sick.
05:55Bunch of eggs in a trolley.
05:57I'm not surprised.
05:58You don't look that excited to see me, Tom.
06:00You don't think?
06:02Not at all.
06:03Are you going to be like this the whole time?
06:04Like what?
06:05Like this.
06:06I guess.
06:08Look at your friends.
06:09Are you still doing comedy?
06:11Am I still doing comedy?
06:12Yeah.
06:12You're just doing this.
06:13This is comedy.
06:15May I?
06:16Please.
06:18Okay.
06:19I've ruined the card already.
06:20Here we go.
06:21Send these passengers on the safest yet speediest journey down the drive.
06:26You may not touch the passengers.
06:28The vehicle may only be moved by shoves.
06:32With one shove allowed every 30 seconds.
06:36For any deceased passengers, you must hold a meaningful memorial before proceeding.
06:41A bonus point will be given for best memorialiser.
06:44Fastest wins.
06:46The time starts now.
06:48I'm so sorry, but some of you aren't going to make it.
06:55Just before we get started, I'm going to say I'm so glad I didn't get that driveway resealed.
07:00Because that gravel is going to be an absolute bastard.
07:04So whose eggs are we going to murder first?
07:06Well, you can't break eggs without breaking a few eggs.
07:09It's Anissa, Celia and Roe.
07:11Alright, you guys.
07:13Are you with me?
07:13Who feels safe?
07:17Be free, my little passengers.
07:19Look at them go.
07:20This is great.
07:21Never going to win unless I try.
07:23F***.
07:25F***.
07:26F***.
07:26F***.
07:27F***.
07:29Oh, no.
07:30We lost one.
07:31Oh, but she's still going.
07:32Go, you little ripper.
07:34Oh, I'm really happy with this.
07:36I'm really happy with this.
07:38Oh, no.
07:39Oh, it's carnage.
07:40Oh, no.
07:42Oh, no.
07:43Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of some dear friends of mine.
07:53To the earth you return.
07:58I'm Muslim.
07:58I don't know why I did that.
08:00Oh, no.
08:01Captain Boyle.
08:02He stole from the rich and gave to the poor and we will miss him.
08:06I don't think that one was dead.
08:07Oh, f***.
08:08I lied.
08:08He's a pedophile.
08:10Let's go for broke.
08:12F***.
08:14F***.
08:16F***.
08:16F***.
08:17F***.
08:17F***.
08:19F***.
08:19That wasn't worth it.
08:20That was quite a good one.
08:21Oh, no.
08:22They're all dead.
08:23Aw.
08:23I'm gonna miss you guys.
08:25This one was a bit of a dick, but we're sad that you died anyway.
08:29F***.
08:30F***.
08:32F***.
08:33F***.
08:34What's this for?
08:35Dude, it's a pyre.
08:37You know how it works.
08:38In post effects we could add flames.
08:40Oh.
08:42Oh.
08:42Stand back.
08:43Tom, don't get burnt from the fire.
08:45Here we go.
08:49I should have been there.
08:50I should have cared for you.
08:52I should have nurtured you.
08:56Great.
08:56Finish line is in sight.
08:57I'm just going for it.
08:58I believe in all of you, okay?
09:00Do you?
09:00Trust me.
09:01Let's go.
09:02He's crossed the line.
09:06Oh, look at this angel who didn't leak when I gave her a hug at all.
09:10No, she's fine.
09:11They're all fine, Tom.
09:13In fact, I'm just gonna keep them with me because they're all alive and fine.
09:17Are some of them dead too?
09:18No.
09:19Thanks, Tom.
09:20Thanks, Celia.
09:21Bye.
09:29So, Celia, how many memorials have you been to where, after the tribute, they throw
09:33the body away?
09:35Well, you don't keep them.
09:37Yeah.
09:38They're all dicks.
09:38They're a bunch of egg dicks and I'm glad they're dead.
09:42Yeah, you abused them in several different ways.
09:44What were you calling the eggs?
09:46I don't know.
09:46One of them...
09:47I won't repeat it.
09:50Celia accused one of them of being a pedophile.
09:55So, Anissa, you said to one of the eggs in your heartfelt tribute, I should have been there.
10:00Um, you were there.
10:04I feel like I should have been there intellectually because I wasn't thinking.
10:08I don't know why I pushed it that hard.
10:10I genuinely could not think of another way to do it other than that.
10:13You know?
10:14Right?
10:15Are you trying to throw to the next segment?
10:21I'll do the twists and turns, thank you.
10:24Now, Rove, how did you feel about the fire that was added in post there?
10:27Oh, it was really good and I'll tell you all about it after the break.
10:30Oh!
10:33No?
10:35I was quite impressed by it.
10:37That's what I expected my Viking funeral to be like.
10:40Alright.
10:40Now, Tom, what's your favourite part of this task?
10:43Yeah, probably the second line of the task, actually.
10:44Oh, right.
10:45And what was that?
10:46You may not touch the passengers in any way.
10:49I can't touch them.
10:50Nope.
10:50Oh, no.
10:52Captain boiled.
10:53We will miss you.
10:54I don't think that one was dead.
10:55Oh, ****.
10:56That was Jasmine.
10:58Okay.
11:00****.
11:00I touched it.
11:01I touched it.
11:02So, can I put it back?
11:04So, Carl's going into space.
11:07Oh.
11:10Please don't throw the eggs at the camera, people.
11:16Can I touch them now?
11:17What do you mean, now?
11:19I wasn't touching them before.
11:25So, this means they're all disqualified.
11:28That's right, yeah.
11:30Rove touched an egg twice.
11:31Anissa touched an egg 31 times.
11:35Celia touched an egg 40 times.
11:37I love it!
11:38I just love touching eggs, okay?
11:40I have a problem.
11:43All right.
11:43Well, let's take a break.
11:44We'll be back soon to see if any of our contestants aren't disqualified.
11:48We'll see you after this.
12:00Welcome back to Taskmaster Australia.
12:03If you've just joined us, you're late and I'm very disappointed.
12:07What were we doing, Tom?
12:08Our contestants are shoving a trolley full of eggs down a driveway
12:10as fast as they can and they're not allowed to touch eggs.
12:12So far, our contestants have touched so many eggs.
12:16All right.
12:17Just a simple task.
12:18Fastest wins.
12:19Fastest wins.
12:20Up next, it's all the king's men.
12:22Can they end what can only be described as an egg-touching extravaganza?
12:25It's Joel Creasy and Brett Blake.
12:27I'm not very strong.
12:28Am I allowed to drive that car?
12:31Jump in.
12:31Let's go.
12:33I can use anything, right?
12:37What if I got on me?
12:38I'm staying here?
12:39Yeah, you're staying here.
12:41If I tie this and sort of shut, then I can sort of pull it back.
12:45Well, what if I like put something over the top to pat it?
12:51I'm not touching them.
12:52Go to sleep with legs.
12:55What's that for?
12:56A ramp, dickhead.
12:58Let's go.
13:03There are no deceased passengers.
13:05Yes.
13:06Oh, that's a shit ramp.
13:09Shove.
13:13I reckon I've nailed this.
13:15I feel like this is a shove.
13:16That's a shove.
13:21There's one deceased passenger.
13:26There is one deceased passenger.
13:28We've travelled all this way and you are just a bit too weak.
13:32And that's life, isn't it?
13:33That's the memorial?
13:34It's nicer than what I said at my grandma's funeral.
13:37You need to sing the national anthem.
13:40Go.
13:41You want me to do it?
13:43Yeah, well I'm doing this.
13:45Go.
13:45Come on.
13:47Australians, oh let us rejoice.
14:06There's five deceased passengers.
14:07I feel like this is what the eggs would have wanted.
14:10You know what I mean?
14:11And if you could keep singing that national anthem as well,
14:14I think that will help.
14:15We've got the flag there.
14:18We've got the flag there.
14:18Maybe a burnout.
14:19We are young and free-range eggs.
14:24With the oil and oil.
14:27And something, something oil.
14:30Our home is good.
14:32See, the eggs would want me to win.
14:40There's an additional deceased passenger.
14:46Can you skip?
14:49There we go.
14:51There we go.
14:52There we go.
14:53Yay!
15:00Great work, Brett.
15:01I think you did really well.
15:03I especially like, for we are young and free, range.
15:06Range.
15:07I love how I'm the only person on the panel who's dyslexic, but I managed to read,
15:12do not touch the eggs.
15:14I like your memorials too that you gave.
15:16I think they were very good.
15:17But I feel like at a Bogan Memorial, you should have been wearing wraparound sunnies.
15:21Yeah.
15:21There wasn't enough props, but I had a ramp.
15:23I got the van involved.
15:24I think I started using the van too much that the safety coordinator on set started hiding vehicles from me.
15:31So...
15:32It did not go well.
15:34Tom had some fun, though.
15:35Well, I felt like I was in danger more than...
15:39Danger, electric, excitement.
15:41It's all the same, dude.
15:43Alright, Joel.
15:44Yes.
15:44I thought you were being a bit hard on yourself when you were saying that you weren't that strong.
15:48But then I saw your effort and I thought it was about accurate.
15:52I don't know what I was planning with the rope because it didn't do anything.
15:57I did enjoy the memorials, though, because I've been planning my funeral forever.
16:03Well, I can't wait.
16:04I honestly can't wait.
16:05Oh, what's your plan?
16:05Open casket with my eyes glued open.
16:07Right?
16:08So I can look into the eyes of my enemies just one last time.
16:12Yeah.
16:12Joel, would you like to hear more about your plan for your funeral?
16:15Glinda and El Farber from Wicked will sing for good.
16:18El Farber?
16:19El Farber?
16:21El Farber?
16:22El Farber?
16:22El Farber?
16:23I'm not a musical guy.
16:24Hush your dirty mouth.
16:26You're going to want to retake that because they're going to come to you, Tom.
16:30Do not retake that.
16:32If I don't get to go back and untouch eggs, you do not get a second credit.
16:39Luke, I am your El Farber.
16:41Yeah.
16:41No.
16:42No, no, no.
16:43It's all right.
16:43No, no, no.
16:44Give him a break.
16:45Give him a break.
16:46Tom, you know.
16:47You know.
16:47You're joking.
16:48You know the Wizard of Ooze.
16:49Right?
16:51To be fair, we should just do a pick-up of you saying El Farber because otherwise fans
16:56of musical theatre will be coming at you.
16:58Oh, no.
17:00Joel.
17:01Joel.
17:01I don't think he's seen what Joel's hands come in.
17:02I was going to say, well, we'll rip your throat out.
17:06We're coming at you.
17:07We're coming at you.
17:09Better run.
17:10Better run.
17:14I'm sorry you had to sink that side of me, Tom.
17:17Whoo.
17:20I'm not supposed to enjoy this show this much, but anyway.
17:23What I was trying to allude to when I was describing what Joel told me about his funeral
17:27is that we did a lot of talking during that task.
17:29Right.
17:30Joel took 37 minutes and 22 seconds.
17:33Brett's decision to use the van means his time was just 10 minutes and 8 seconds.
17:40So that means zero points for the first three contestants, Anissa, Celia and Rove, all
17:45disqualified.
17:45Four points for Joel and five points for Brett.
17:50Finally, you need to choose the best memorialiser.
17:53Oh, that's easy.
17:54Brett Blake.
17:54Okay.
17:55Six points for Brett Blake.
17:56Yeah, Brett.
17:57Great.
17:58Okay.
17:58And what are the scores for the episode so far?
18:00Out in front, it's a tie at the moment.
18:02Brett and Joel both on eight points.
18:04Well done.
18:07All right.
18:09I'm ready for another task.
18:11This next task is about middle names, but I'll never tell you mine.
18:14Discretion is my middle name.
18:16Oh, wait.
18:32Tom Cashman with the iPad.
18:34Dad in the study.
18:36Bonjour.
18:37Hi Joel.
18:38Please choose a word.
18:39Oh.
18:40What, choose one that's hanging?
18:41They all describe me.
18:43Darren.
18:44Technically a name, but that's alright.
18:46I'll go with kill.
18:47Chaos.
18:47Wizard.
18:48Danger.
18:49I choose Darren.
18:50You're choosing Darren?
18:51Yeah.
18:53Oh no.
18:55I'm cool.
18:57You're like Edmund Scissorhands.
19:00Totally broke that one.
19:01Now do I read the thing?
19:02Yes, Liz.
19:03Okay.
19:07Why?
19:08The word you just selected is your new middle name.
19:13Live up to it.
19:14I should have gone with sexy.
19:16Most lived up to middle name wins.
19:18You have 25 minutes to time so it's down.
19:21I mean obviously Danger's my middle name.
19:22I win.
19:23I should just get points for choosing the correct one.
19:25Like what would you do?
19:25Because you're very cool.
19:26Like what would a cool, like I'm asking a cool person.
19:28What would they do?
19:29I'm not gonna answer because I suspect you're being sarcastic.
19:31This is effed up but I'd know someone called Darren.
19:35He proposed to his missus in a Macca's.
19:37I won't be allowed to light things on fire will I?
19:39Let's do it and let's wait to see what happens if I get yelled at.
19:42Cool.
19:43Cool.
19:44I wanna physically get cool.
19:45I think I have to be the dangerous thing.
19:48So I'm gonna be sharp and hot and like have rabies.
19:54I'm off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
19:59Do you mean the generic school for magic?
20:00Tom.
20:02Yeah.
20:02I'm off to a nameless school of witchcraft and wizardry.
20:07Grab everything.
20:07Grab the cameras.
20:08Let's go.
20:12So Anissa, what drew you to Darren?
20:14Just an opportunity to make fun of white guys.
20:19So like how would you describe Darren as an emotion?
20:23Oh yeah, nah.
20:27Damn, nailed it.
20:30Okay Tom, I'm ready to see some people embody their new middle names.
20:34Who have we got first?
20:35He chose the word chaos.
20:36He's furious.
20:37He didn't choose sexy.
20:38It's Brett.
20:38Chaos.
20:38Blake.
20:39Ah, your time's up now Tomina.
20:42No one's gonna save you.
20:44Oh my god.
20:48It's Brett Sexy Blake.
20:50Noooo!
20:54Noooo!
20:55Ah, the .
20:56Ah, the .
21:15You're welcome.
21:43See you next time.
21:44You're not going to let me out of the chains?
21:46No.
21:49Okay, so did you forget which word you chose?
21:54You chose chaos, but then you came out on the bike and it said sexy and you were sexy.
21:59Ah.
22:00But they were just feelings you were feeling when you saw that.
22:02Yeah.
22:03You were like, are that sexy?
22:04I went with chaos, sexy and danger.
22:06I kind of got lost in it a bit.
22:07I think the character was Captain Chaos and then I was playing someone called maybe Mr.
22:13Sexy or cool or Darren and maybe Darren and then he saves Tom from Captain Chaos.
22:22Not Tom.
22:23Not?
22:23Who are you?
22:26Tamina.
22:27Oh, that's right.
22:28I gave you a girl's name and I put a wig on you.
22:30Yeah, that's funny.
22:30Yeah.
22:32It looked like a tutorial for when you get inducted into being a lesbian.
22:35That's what I thought I was watching.
22:37Well, ironically, a lot of that stuff came from Bunnings, so it makes sense.
22:41All right, we're up to the middle name of any broadcast TV show.
22:45The ads.
22:45Back soon.
22:56Hello and welcome back to the first episode of Taskmaster Season 5.
23:01How exciting.
23:02You're witnessing the series right at its peak.
23:05And from this sentence, we're phoning it in.
23:08Where were we, Tom?
23:09Our comedians are trying to live up to their new middle name.
23:11Up next, it's Anissa Darren Nandola and Joel Cool Creasy.
23:16Hi there.
23:17Could I please have a hash brown and an apple pie?
23:19No, I'll get a full meal, love.
23:21Get a full f***ing meal.
23:22Because today is a real special day.
23:26Do you want to have an ice bath with me?
23:28I loved you ever since I laid eyes on you at the pokies.
23:31Beautiful.
23:32Beautiful spot.
23:33This is so cool.
23:34The way you scream,
23:35Oh, man.
23:37Man, my heart race.
23:41Cool.
23:41See?
23:42Oh, my God.
23:46I've even got these very cool glasses to really hammer the point home.
23:52Would you please be my lawfully wedded wife and make me...
23:56You've kind of already put it on.
23:58Let me bloody finish, love.
24:00You want me to get in?
24:00I think you should.
24:01I think there's enough space.
24:02You didn't tell me to change.
24:04You can get out.
24:05Perfect.
24:05Do you want to be Mrs. Anissa Daniel Darren Nandola?
24:09I do.
24:11How refreshing.
24:15Get the large, get the large.
24:16I'll have fries as well.
24:19Come on.
24:20Done.
24:23Enjoy the view.
24:29This is based on a true story, right?
24:31This is based off of a Darren that I know.
24:33Okay, so how's Darren's relationship going now?
24:36He's divorced.
24:38Now, you're from Queensland.
24:40Yes.
24:40You didn't choose to live like Darren Lockyer.
24:43He's a rugby player.
24:46I've noticed I'm being very careful because I don't want my citizenship revoked.
24:51Rugby player?
24:52Rugby league player.
24:53Oh, okay.
24:54I don't know what that means.
24:59He's a Queensland legend.
25:00Okay.
25:03So, Joel, was this task for you a bit tricky?
25:05Because to start with, you're already quite cool.
25:07Oh, I thought I'd give myself a challenge and try and be cool.
25:11Yeah.
25:12But I reckon you are already cool.
25:14You're on commercial radio.
25:15When I hang out with you, you're always very witty, well-dressed.
25:19You know, you're always often drinking a very fancy drink.
25:21I look at it and think, what's Joel drinking?
25:23I wouldn't mind having that because he's cool.
25:25Do you need money or something?
25:27No, I'm just saying.
25:34But the problem is, I think you started the task cool, but then you ended it not cool.
25:38Why?
25:39You finished in a bathtub with Tom Cashman.
25:41Not cool.
25:43You're telling me I was in there with him and I could tell it was very cool.
25:49Let's just say my balls are smaller than Grant Deniers.
25:53All right, Cashman, I'm ready for another.
25:55Uppus Nexotus.
25:57It's Rove, Wizard, McManus.
25:59Oh, God.
26:04Ah, Broomie, it's time to fly.
26:07Up.
26:09Come on, Broomie.
26:11We've got to save the day.
26:13The evil wizard, er, eye board is coming to stop us.
26:18Let's go.
26:21My scar's hurting.
26:23Like that.
26:24Ah.
26:25That must mean that.
26:27What was his name again?
26:29Eye, eye board or something like this.
26:31Oh, no.
26:32Here he comes.
26:38Well, well, well.
26:40If it isn't Rove Wizard McManus.
26:44Evil Wizard Voldyboard.
26:46Not evil.
26:47Evil Wizard ID board.
26:50I knew it was you.
26:51Oh, really?
26:52Well, what if I was to tell you?
26:55It was me that killed your parents, you dumb kid.
26:59No.
27:01Killers.
27:01Villainous.
27:05Sparks come out of it.
27:07Cool effects.
27:08Oh, no.
27:09You got me, Rove Wizard McManus.
27:12But I'll be back if there's a sequel.
27:20Flames.
27:22Yeah.
27:23That's what you get for being a dick.
27:26All a simple day in the life.
27:28For me, Rove the Wizard McManus.
27:31Although my parents are still dead.
27:34Womp womp.
27:40Very emotional.
27:41They are.
27:42There we go.
27:44Ah, to some of our younger viewers who are just tuning in,
27:46you might be surprised to find out that Rove actually used to be a really big deal.
27:56What was that about, Rove?
27:58It was magic.
28:00Yeah, well, I was watching it thinking it was about to magically become entertainment.
28:07There's no trick for that, as we well know, Tom.
28:09Were you Griffin bored?
28:12Yeah, boy!
28:15Shut up, Malfoy.
28:17Ah!
28:18You know!
28:20Check out these Dumbledorks.
28:22Ah!
28:23I don't get it.
28:24Who gives a shit?
28:25I'm a regular Hufflepuff.
28:31Hey, Tom, you can just probably go straight to the points.
28:37Who have we got next, Cashboy?
28:41I think she might actually have rabies and has found a way to work it into the show.
28:46It's Celia Danger-Picola.
28:47Yay!
28:59Oh! Oh!
29:03Rawr!
29:04I see you really ran with the rabies idea.
29:06Yeah, a little bit not just that this is a pot filled with boiling water with a handle sticking out
29:11It's incredibly dangerous, and this is an open flame time. Oh, no, and and scissors
29:16Oh, and I can't help but notice the yes, because I'm I have unprotected sex, and I'm a man, and
29:21I have a cactus penis
29:22Okay, but I'm also up there, and I'm also a woman who knows what she wants all very dangerous things
29:28I feel like I've nailed this brief. I will say good day to you sir. Good day
29:38Yeah
29:38Yeah
29:40So can you talk us through all the dangerous things you did because there was a lot there?
29:43There was a lot my first thought which was a swords and I had rabies and I had scissors and
29:47I had my pin number and my home address
29:52Yeah, more than that. That's what I have. Oh, yeah. These are things written on your suit. Yeah, I'm a
29:56man. Yeah
29:57I'm a bear. Yeah, I have a snake. I
30:00I have worms. I answer unknown numbers. My my password is easy to guess and my shoelaces are undone
30:07Oh, yeah
30:08Your shoelaces were not undone. Oh, were they not?
30:10All right. Well, I've got to give out some scores here, don't I? You do. Okay. Well, that's pretty easy
30:14one to Rove
30:17I'm gonna give two points to Joel because he started cool and then he ended not cool
30:20I'm gonna give three points to Celia because it was still very dangerous. Okay, I'm gonna give four points to
30:24Anissa
30:25Of course, it was chock-full of Darren-ness, but I'm gonna give five points to Brett just because it
30:31was awesome and chaotic
30:36All right, we'll be back after the break whether you will is entirely up to your attention span. See you
30:42soon
30:53Welcome back to taskmaster Australia. We've just got time for one last proper task
30:58So what have you got for me lesser Tom? It's our first location task of the series. So giddy up.
31:03We're off to the racetrack
31:20I
31:21Love these big walks. Hi Tom. Is this walk really necessary? Yes
31:32Can I help you? Yeah, there's a toss down there that I'd love for you to read
31:40Oh
31:41Kick the exercise ball to Tom
31:43Easy only chairs may halt a ball's motion if the ball rolls to the bottom you must remove a chair
31:50This is so hard fewest chairs
31:53Initially placed wins you have 10 minutes to place the chairs then 15 minutes to get the ball to the
32:00top your time starts now
32:02But I've just got to kick the ball to you. That's right
32:05What are the chairs got to do with anything if the ball comes to a standstill on a chair?
32:09Then you can go up to that spot and keep from there get what I mean?
32:12Not really and also the ball does off. You might want to go get the ball. Don't tell me what
32:17to do Tom
32:17Are you right-footed right-footed who's right-footed? I'm right-handed
32:22What is right-footed?
32:24Oh, dear
32:32Do you really not know what right-footed is?
32:34No
32:36What's right-footed?
32:37Which foot do you kick with? Which foot do you kick ball change with?
32:41Oh, I kick ball change with my right foot
32:43I'm right-footed
32:44All right, who's up first? The chairman and the chairwoman of the us not being bored. It's Rove and Celia
32:51All right, I'm gonna try this. You can do some chat if you are. I'm just moving chairs
32:55What did you have for breakfast? I had a protein ball because I'm an athlete
32:59Well, if I lay a chair flat, it's got more space to take up
33:03What did you have for breakfast yesterday? Pizza because that's what legends eat
33:09I reckon it's gonna stop better like that. What about the breakfast the day before that?
33:13Meth. It just keeps getting progressively worse. I don't keep going backwards. I've gone double digits
33:18I'm not happy with that. Dare I ask what you had breakfast one day before that a human child
33:24Told you not to ask Tom. Oh my gosh. What am I doing? I'm a genius
33:29Okay, no more chair placement the kicking may begin
33:35Shut up that was pretty far
33:42Keep bouncing keep bouncing
33:48Oh
33:50You shut up. No, that's gone
33:53The ball has crossed the line at the bottom of the ramp. Please remove one chair. Okay at this point.
33:57This is doing F all
33:58All right, how good was that bounce though the people at home loved that did you hear the reaction?
34:04No, well, okay
34:05Oh
34:07What too far?
34:10Come on little chair. Yes little chair
34:13Oh
34:14Oh
34:17Shut up. Stop. Stop. Stop
34:21Tom
34:23Yeah
34:24Look at that
34:25Bit of support here
34:28Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
34:30That was a foolish foolish call
34:34Wait for it wait for it wait for it
34:36So I'm allowed to pick it up?
34:38Yes. Okay, I'm gonna pick up the ball now Tom
34:42Bounce over
34:43What?
34:47That was so close again the crowd but you wouldn't know because your imagination is limited
34:53Well, it's gonna be I don't know if I could just okay. All right. All right
34:58Come on chair, you know what you're doing
35:03Oh
35:12I put out way too many chairs Tom
35:14I just didn't believe in myself how good I was gonna be at that
35:17That's a shame
35:18Thanks Tom
35:21Careful of those chairs
35:22I mean we shouldn't we shouldn't just we shouldn't just be leaving those there
35:31Roe was that trip on purpose or was it an accident?
35:35It was a comedy. It was a comedy fall
35:37I was just worried about you because it was so convincing when you fell over I was just genuinely concerned
35:42for your welfare
35:44Thank you Tom I appreciate that
35:46I was gonna laugh but then I didn't because I was worried you were hurt
35:51All right, and so I must admit Roe I reckon the most impressive things was seeing you miss by such
35:56a tiny amount
35:57It was quite painful at the other end
36:00Yes
36:00And then I don't know if you saw I swapped legs I went I went left I went right
36:03Didn't make a difference
36:05Are you right-footed whatever that means?
36:08I think my feet are bisexual so it's like
36:13Thought I recognized then
36:16Okay, so Celia how do you feel you went?
36:18I loved that
36:18I loved it so much my only mistake was not knowing how good I'd be at it
36:23That's the fault like you're saying like I should have believed in myself put out too many chairs
36:26Well the hardest part of your task was just watching Cashman try to keep up a conversation
36:31Cause I feel like you're giving him a lot of fun offers and he was
36:34She's told me to do some chat
36:35I remember I asked you what you had for breakfast and you said tinned peaches and I said are you
36:39in the war?
36:42I had tinned peaches at the hotel I didn't have my own tinned
36:46I didn't ask where the war happened
36:50Anyway so yes that was the conversation thank you it was difficult working with him
36:55Alright so
36:56Let's look at the stats
36:58Well ultimately it's a game of faith in yourself right
37:00So the fewer chairs more faith you have
37:02Celia had 19 chairs worth of faith
37:04Yep
37:04Rove had a whopping 10 chairs of faith in himself
37:07That's a lot of faith
37:08Alright who's battling the ramp next?
37:10The next contestants inclined to incline are Anissa and Brett
37:13Oh
37:14This is the logical thing yeah put them in a line
37:22Why can't this form kick it to you in one go?
37:25If you can you can
37:26What if I kick it so far it doesn't come back?
37:29Then the task is done
37:30That's correct
37:31Oh that's too easy
37:32Let's win this
37:34I'm rule doggin' it dude
37:36You're locking in zero chairs?
37:38Yeah
37:40Bro
37:41Bro
37:41Why is this ramp so rampy?
37:44No no no no no no no no
37:48This is either the best or the worst idea I've ever had
37:55It's gonna be the worst idea I've ever had
37:57Mother
37:58Michael Jordan rest in peace
38:01He's not dead
38:02Rest in peace Kobe
38:04No you're representing me
38:05Woo
38:06Ahh
38:07Wah
38:08Bah
38:08Bah
38:10Dude
38:12You are now cellist
38:14Johnny Wilkinson
38:21Whaaah
38:22Bah
38:22Bah
38:23Bah
38:24Bah
38:24Bah
38:26Bah
38:26Bah
38:26Bah
38:26Bah
38:26Bah
38:26Bah
38:26Bah
38:29Bro!
38:30This is a disgustingly steep ramp.
38:41Go, go, go!
38:45Go! Yes!
38:47Yes!
38:49Yes!
38:52How much time up like what?
38:54Seven seconds left.
38:55Michelle Obama!
39:05I'm gonna report this ramp
39:07to the ramp authorities.
39:09Dude, that was sick.
39:10Sometimes he's gonna bleed himself.
39:12Well done. Hell yeah.
39:20So, Anissa, you were yelling out various names.
39:23What was the thinking behind that?
39:25Rest in peace Michael Jordan.
39:28Is he still here?
39:29He's alive and well.
39:32You'll never believe it.
39:33He plays rugby league for Queensland.
39:37Anissa, you were yelling famous black people
39:39as you kicked. Usain Bolt, Serena Williams,
39:42Kamal Harris and Nick Kyrgios.
39:46I claim him. I claim Nick Kyrgios.
39:48He's close enough.
39:50RIP.
39:52Alright, now, Brett.
39:54Amazing tactic. No chairs.
39:56No chairs.
39:57Just back yourself. That's right.
39:59I've never even seen this TV show and I'm f***ing dominating.
40:06Who would have thought the guy with the truck licence would beat the three theatre dorks?
40:13Who would have thought the straight white guy would have so much confidence?
40:17And the fact that you're winning makes it even worse.
40:19Yeah, it really, it really stinks.
40:21Sucked in.
40:23So, should we look at the scores there?
40:26Well, Anissa had 34 kicks.
40:28Oh.
40:28Brett only used seven kicks.
40:31And is leading with zero chairs placed.
40:36Okay.
40:37We've just got one comedian to go in the Swiss ball kicking gauntlet.
40:41But first, it's time for a break.
40:43Come back soon to find out who's won Grant Denyer's balls and a stale potato chip.
40:59Welcome back to the only show on television brave enough to ask the question,
41:03would sports be more entertaining if they were done by people with no sporting ability?
41:09Where were we, Lester Tom?
41:10Our contestants are kicking a ball up a ramp with nothing to help them but chairs.
41:13Fewest chairs placed wins.
41:16Up last, it's a man so deeply in love with his feet he couldn't possibly choose between them.
41:19It's Joel Creasy.
41:22It's like it's setting up for an event.
41:26Start here.
41:27Careful of that, you wouldn't want the ball to get away.
41:39I reckon I can kick it from there but I've got them as backups.
41:41Okay.
41:52What are you doing?
41:53Looking for the ball.
41:58Oh, Dine.
41:59Is this some...
42:01I need...
42:02What?
42:03Where did it go?
42:05Where did the ball go?
42:06I don't know.
42:07I saw it go down there.
42:09That's all I saw.
42:10You've done something.
42:11I didn't do anything.
42:12You did.
42:13It was right here.
42:14Your kicking time has begun.
42:16This is so dumb Tom.
42:17Where's the ball?
42:18I don't know.
42:18Tom.
42:19I told you to make sure it didn't blow away.
42:21Where is it?
42:25It can't have gone that far.
42:28I've misread something like there's a little trick.
42:30I don't think wind is a trick.
42:32It's just a reality of life.
42:34But it's not here.
42:35Then why are you here?
42:36If it's down here I'll be so furious.
42:43It's not here!
42:52Tom, this is so lame.
42:54There's not even any other balls here.
42:56Can I kick you in the balls?
42:57No, thank you.
42:58This is so stupid Tom.
43:00Someone's taking the ball.
43:01I'm sorry.
43:10How long do I have?
43:11You've got 48 seconds left of kicking time.
43:13I'm being gas lit.
43:15I'm being completely gas lit.
43:16I'm not going to pretend that there's not cameras here.
43:18Everyone is silent.
43:19Someone's taking the ball.
43:20They have.
43:21I've forgotten what colour it was.
43:2425 seconds left.
43:25Where's the ball?
43:26It's not here!
43:28Is it like right here and I'm actually having a brain bleed and need to be in hospital?
43:3110 seconds left.
43:32This is ridiculous.
43:33It's not here.
43:36Thanks Joel.
43:38That was the worst.
43:42And I had such a good sister.
43:48It's just a good sister, it's a bad sister.
43:49So you're right there.
43:52Now you know that you're not right footed or left footed you neither.
43:57I have lost months of sleep wondering where that ball went.
44:03Lesser Tom even said, it went that way.
44:05And you went, no, it didn't, you walked the other way.
44:07I searched that way.
44:08I searched that entire race thing.
44:11That place, that awful place.
44:14Didn't even get a chance to kick with my right foot
44:16or whatever footed I am.
44:18You kept accusing me of taking it,
44:20but you could see me the whole time.
44:22Someone went...
44:22Someone blew it away just to wind me up and you got me.
44:28I looked up the wind speed on each day.
44:30I had the windiest day.
44:31No, you didn't.
44:31Brett did.
44:34Mine went around the corner,
44:35but I just looked and it was there.
44:38Mine was having a schooner up the bar.
44:40I couldn't find it anywhere.
44:41Joel, would you like to know how many kicks you attempted?
44:43No.
44:45I can at least work that out myself.
44:48All right, well, let's go through the scores then.
44:50Well, Joel's obviously disqualified.
44:52Correct.
44:52As is Anissa.
44:54That means three points to Celia, four points to Rove,
44:56and Brett wins the task with five points.
45:01All right, and what are the scores for the episode so far?
45:03Rove is in last place with six points,
45:05but Brett's out in front with 18 points.
45:09All right, you lot, please head up to the stage
45:12for the first studio task of the season.
45:18Who's going to read out the task tonight?
45:21Celia.
45:24Pose for a photo at the median height
45:27with the median amount of naughtiness.
45:30Your photos will be compared,
45:32and the contestant at the median height in their photo
45:36will win the height category.
45:38Tallest and shortest contestants will come second,
45:40and the other two contestants will come third.
45:43Same scoring applies to naughtiness.
45:46Brett, are you OK?
45:47Did he just faint?
45:49No, I punched a wall out, and I've left.
45:53Best overall performance in the two categories wins.
45:55Your photos will be taken in exactly 75 seconds.
45:58So the middle of each category will win.
46:01The tallest and shortest come second,
46:04and then the other two come third.
46:06OK, your 75 seconds starts now.
46:15Why would you say that?
46:3130 seconds.
46:54OK, it's time for one last break.
46:56Hey, during the break,
46:58why don't you swap over each other's phones
46:59and have a look at the photos?
47:00See who's got the naughtiest photos.
47:02You'll enjoy it.
47:03See you soon.
47:04CHEERING
47:14Hello, welcome back to the season premiere of Taskmaster.
47:18We're in the final stretch of our live task
47:20and just need some rankings.
47:22Sir Tom?
47:23That's right.
47:23Our contestants tried to take photos of median height
47:25and median naughtiness.
47:27Let's analyse the height first.
47:29Yeah.
47:39Did I win this then?
47:41Yeah, that's right.
47:42Celia was the median height,
47:42so you win the height category.
47:46Anissa and Brett were tallest and shortest respectively,
47:49so they come in second in the height category,
47:50and Joel and Rove were the other ones.
47:52All right, so we have to rank some naughtiness there.
47:54Yes, it's time to analyse naughtiness.
47:55OK, well, I'm tempted to say that Anissa and Brett are the same
47:59because they kind of dress the same,
48:00but they're doing something very different.
48:02What's naughty about what you're doing there, Anissa?
48:04Do you want me to...
48:06LAUGHTER
48:08And I must say, I was so worried,
48:12but then I saw Rove and I'm like, I'm good.
48:15LAUGHTER
48:16What about Brett?
48:17Well, I was using the stick thing as an erect penis,
48:21but then I remembered that it was medium,
48:24so then I folded the fake penis in half,
48:27so it's a medium dick.
48:28OK.
48:29And then I got bored in the task
48:31and forgot they were taking a photo.
48:33LAUGHTER
48:34Just looking at Celia, were you actually naked?
48:36It looks like I'm having an emergency in the shower.
48:40LAUGHTER
48:40Right, but is that naughty or natural?
48:43LAUGHTER
48:44LAUGHTER
48:44Depends. In a supermarket.
48:46LAUGHTER
48:47LAUGHTER
48:48Rove committed to his look very early on in the task, I felt.
48:52LAUGHTER
48:54We had the pleasure of seeing you did a few minor variations.
48:57I did, I workshopped through it.
48:59It was a process, wasn't it?
49:00I went full of Brett Blake and just felt it.
49:02OK, and then we've got Joel.
49:04Uh, Joel...
49:05Well...
49:06LAUGHTER
49:06You just look like you're on the toilet
49:08and you're dropping your newspaper.
49:10I was being very naughty
49:12and wasn't in time for the camera, was I?
49:14Oh, naughty, naughty.
49:17LAUGHTER
49:18LAUGHTER
49:19Joel is last, cos it didn't look too offensive to me.
49:22Oh!
49:23LAUGHTER
49:23I find nudity to be natural, not that naughty.
49:26So, second-last is Celia.
49:27I'm going to say Brett was quite naughty
49:30and Nisa was a little bit naughtier.
49:32The naughtiest was watching, uh, Roe McManus.
49:35Uh...
49:35Do a rude thing or throw a zipper?
49:36Yeah.
49:37OK, so putting together medium height and medium naughtiness,
49:41what do we have?
49:41We've got three contestants in third place,
49:43Tide, and Nisa, Joel and Rove.
49:45Celia is in second place with four points,
49:47but Brett wins the task with five points.
49:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
49:52So, who has won the first episode?
49:55Ooh!
49:56Kirby!
49:58LAUGHTER
50:00LAUGHTER
50:00Where this seems to be leading is
50:02whether you just put a pirate hat on and sit on a box...
50:06LAUGHTER
50:07..or jump over a fire.
50:10LAUGHTER
50:12Roe, you're in last place.
50:13Oh, what?
50:14LAUGHTER
50:15LAUGHTER
50:16LAUGHTER
50:17But Roe's right, Brett's way out in front with 23 points
50:20and is the winner of the first episode!
50:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
50:24Congratulations to Brett.
50:25Head up to the stage to collect your prize-task things.
50:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
50:32Well, there we go.
50:34What have we learnt?
50:35Three of them learnt eggs might cost a bit,
50:37but touching them will cost you dearly.
50:39Brett took a lesson from the great L Farber
50:43and defied gravity...
50:45LAUGHTER
50:45Oh, nice.
50:47Nice.
50:48..and while Joel forgot what his blue ball looked like...
50:51LAUGHTER
50:52..we'll never unlearn the sight of Grant Daniels.
50:55LAUGHTER
50:56Give it up once more for our episode winner, Brett.
50:59Good night.
50:59Good night.
51:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
51:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
51:31..we'll compete to win a prize...
51:33Huzzah!
51:34..by impressing me.
51:35Damn it!
51:36Hail Tom!
51:37Aren't you the taskmaster?
51:38Oh, you...
51:41You're not the taskmaster.
51:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
51:45Brett, just to confirm,
51:46I am the f***ing taskmaster!
51:48LAUGHTER
51:49APPLAUSE
51:49away MUSIC
51:49..how's
51:49the plan, F***ing
51:49taskmaster, Huzzah!
51:49MUSIC MUSIC USE
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