- 12 minutes ago
Rivals S02E03
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Short filmTranscript
00:03Tonight we peek behind the curtains and pull back the bedsheets to reveal the truth about Rupert Campbell Black.
00:10On the night before he asks voters to elect him Member of Parliament for Chalford and Bisley,
00:15we ask how a man like this gains a free pass to the highest offices in the land.
00:20Rupert Campbell Black, showjumper and showman, charlatan and conman, catapulted into a safe seat.
00:26He now enjoys an unusually close relationship with the Prime Minister.
00:29Who created the role of Minister for Sport, especially for him.
00:32Tony said we were doing Joan Collins this week.
00:35...healed scandalous and hastily covered up flings with several Tory colleagues' wives,
00:40including our very own Sarah Stratton, recently married to MP Paul Stratton, and Amanda,
00:45the wife of Foreign Secretary Rollo Hamilton.
00:48Secretly recorded tapes recently come into our possession reveal Campbell Black's cavalier attitude towards these conquests.
00:54Oh Christ.
00:56So, Melanie Hamilton, you know she used to get me to spank her?
01:00Call her the hairbrush.
01:01Daddy.
01:02God, pity.
01:03Earlier, I interviewed a woman who was a participant at a group sex session in a Soho art studio...
01:09What's happening?
01:10...in the mid-sixties.
01:11Roll the tape.
01:12Can you tell me who was present on that particular occasion?
01:15A number of rock stars.
01:16Hmm.
01:17At least one of them was in the Stones.
01:19A couple of footballers.
01:20The American actor, Johnny...
01:22Johnny Friedlander?
01:23Yes.
01:24And Rupert Campbell Black.
01:25You don't forget that silky voice.
01:27Hmm.
01:27And did Mr. Campbell Black engage in the group sex enthusiastically?
01:32No one was disappointed, put it that way.
01:34And I have to ask, in this age of AIDS, was anyone there using protection?
01:40Protection.
01:41And we're all high as kites.
01:43I've always said Fred Fred.
01:45Now he's going to give us all AIDS.
01:47And this sexual deviance was cited in their divorce proceedings by his ex-wife, Helen.
01:52I'm not talking about him, okay?
01:53Please get off my driver.
01:54Can I ask why?
01:55Get off my driver!
01:56Mrs. Gordon!
01:57Oh my...
01:58Mrs. Gordon!
01:59I think that's no comment.
02:01Helen Gordon, previously Helen Campbell Black, was involved in a foursome with Campbell Black
02:06and his show-jumping teammates while on holiday in Kenya.
02:08What's a foursome?
02:09What are you doing out of bed?
02:11Plus, we can now reveal some uncomfortable...
02:13It is another word for a quartet.
02:17At the same time as seducing Carinium's former controller of programs, Cameron Cook,
02:22Mr. Campbell Black hunted closer to home,
02:24beginning a relationship with Declan O'Hara's daughter, Agatha,
02:27a girl 17 years his junior.
02:29For fuck's sake.
02:30Begging the question, what sort of a man preys upon the young daughter of his colleague and friend?
02:35So, what does the Prime Minister think of the politician
02:37once referred to as her blue-eyed boy?
02:40Unfortunately, no one from Mrs. Thatcher's office was available to comment.
02:44But Campbell Black doesn't seem to return her regard in this recording from 1985.
02:49Well, Kane.
02:50You know why they call her Milk Snatcher?
02:52It's not taking dairy products from kids.
02:54It's because she's got a milky snack.
02:57With the polls opening in ten hours,
02:59we ask, how can a pervert and sexual deviant like Rupert Campbell Black
03:03be allowed to represent the fine people of Great Britain?
03:06Fuck!
03:16You gotta speed it up
03:19And then you gotta slow it down
03:21Cause if you believe that a love can hit the top
03:25You gotta play around
03:26Until you will find that there comes a time
03:29For making your mind out
03:48We're here at the home of Mr. Rupert Campbell Black,
03:52Minister for Sport and subject of last night's extraordinary unscented allegations.
03:55We're gonna try and get a few words from him
03:57as he arrives at his home today
03:58on election day.
04:00Mr. Campbell Black!
04:01Hello, Mr. Campbell Black!
04:03Any comments on the unscented documenting last night?
04:05Good morning, everyone.
04:06Happy election day.
04:07Don't look too disappointed.
04:08Any comments on unscented last night?
04:12Morning.
04:14Message from CCHQ says we press ahead with Rupert's scheduled appearances today.
04:18No reference to the broadcast.
04:20Everything pointed towards getting out the vote.
04:22How's he doing?
04:23I tried to call, but...
04:24See for yourself.
04:25As the country heads to the polls today for the general election,
04:29the question on everyone's lips isn't whether or not Mrs. Thatcher's conservative government
04:32can hold on to power,
04:34but how can Rupert Campbell Black ever come back from such a destructive expose?
04:43Has he been drinking all morning?
04:44He's been drinking all night.
04:46He hasn't been to bed.
04:47But it's election day.
04:49Yep.
04:50Can you persuade him to stop?
04:52Really?
04:57I'm going to call Helen again.
04:58Oh.
04:59He's been trying out all morning.
05:00She's going to go form a dare on me after this.
05:17Yeah.
05:18Rupert, please.
05:19Rupert.
05:20Rupert.
05:20We'll be back in a minute.
05:29Minister, any comments on Uncensored last night?
05:32Look at me.
05:33Look at me.
05:33Any comments on Uncensored last night?
05:34Look at me.
05:34Beautiful morning, ladies and gentlemen.
05:40Don't forget to vote.
05:51I'm going to pick up Caitlin from school.
06:10All right.
06:15Is this journalism her, Daddy?
06:17Destroying people's private lives?
06:18I mean, the things she said about him.
06:20BC is not the brilliant journalist she thinks she is.
06:24God, I hate that he got you caught up in all this.
06:28What's it mean for Ventra?
06:31Don't know, love.
06:33Don't know.
06:35Don't know.
06:37I'm disappointed, Tony.
06:38You do things like this in my name as well as yours.
06:41We're a partnership, a unit, and we're strong.
06:44And we agreed that you wouldn't deal in dirty tricks any longer.
06:47I know you and Rupert have your differences, but it's poor wife and children.
06:51Who's that?
06:53That's your present.
07:02Oh, Tony.
07:05Happy anniversary, darling.
07:06Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.
07:08I got in early.
07:09I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.
07:12You always say they look like rats in ball gowns.
07:14The Falkenry has been without peacocks since you were a deb.
07:17It's taken me far too long to set it right.
07:19Mummy would be thrilled.
07:21No.
07:22Well, I need to be careful not to speed up the drive later night.
07:26I haven't got you anything yet.
07:28Why don't you come to a doll's house with me this evening?
07:31I'll shout you an ice cream in the interim.
07:33You want me to enjoy an evening of Ibsen on the day of the general election?
07:36Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa waiting for the polls to close.
07:39We'll spend the evening together.
07:41It'll be good.
07:43Well, you know how I love the theater.
07:54Vroom, vroom.
07:57It's beautiful, darling.
07:59Helen!
08:00Helen, open the door!
08:03You can't stop me seeing my children, Helen!
08:06Helen, I swear to God, I'll break this down!
08:09Stand down!
08:11Do you mind removing your bloody finger from my doorbell?
08:16Please.
08:17Helen's at school with Tabitha.
08:19I don't suppose you're aware of anything as parochial as the date of your daughter's sports day.
08:24You're not running in the father's race?
08:25I don't qualify.
08:31You haven't been to bed, have you?
08:32You know what?
08:33I'm not taking a lecture from you today, Melise.
08:35Fuck you, fuck Helen.
08:36I need to see my children.
08:38I'm their father!
08:39Have you forgotten what that's like?
08:54Don't you dare talk to me about being a father.
08:58You need to sober up.
09:03How come you didn't know what he was planning?
09:05I can't manage a mother by myself anymore.
09:08I've been off work moving her into a home.
09:10Tony has been so kind.
09:12He told me to take off all the time that I needed, even when we had an episode of Uncensored
09:16to prep.
09:16Kind or strategic.
09:18I thought he was being supportive, subterfuge, as extremely stressful, you know.
09:21We need to get you back to work.
09:23Find out what Tony's doing next.
09:24But he's got what he wants.
09:26Rupert's on his knees.
09:27That'll never be enough for Tony.
09:29He'll be coming for the rest of us.
09:33Do you think so?
09:35What do you mean?
09:37Fiendish of it.
09:38You'd have a tape record running to bed the whole time.
09:41It's amazing what men will spill after they've spilled.
09:44What can I say?
09:45You truly are guardian of the nation's morals.
09:49Oh, we aim to please.
09:50You're about as keen to please as a nuclear warhead.
09:53As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.
09:55You're a public toilet.
09:57I don't think it was a bit cruel.
09:59You don't know what he did to me.
10:01Proportionate response, Joyce.
10:02Good night's work, everyone.
10:04On we go.
10:09Are you hungry?
10:11A big kill like this always makes me voracious.
10:14I could murder a martini and a bloody steak.
10:18I know.
10:19A little hotel.
10:21Very discreet.
10:23We'd be back in plenty of time for the election special.
10:28What an enticing of her.
10:30I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre with my wife tonight.
10:40That bump to the head really did change you, Tony.
10:47Elegantly handled.
10:47It's like prising off a scorpion before it stings you.
10:53All right, quiet down, everyone.
10:56I'm sorry that our first Venture Board meeting is being convened at a moment of crisis.
11:01Let's make this an orderly discussion.
11:03I know how these things can get emotional.
11:06So, Declan?
11:07Thank you, Freddie.
11:09So, bad news first.
11:12The BBC have dropped our Yates documentary.
11:14Oh, what?
11:15They can't be tainted by association.
11:18Also, I've had word from Charles that Lady Gosling would like to speak to me about the franchise bit.
11:23Is anyone else going to say it?
11:25Rupert should resign from the board.
11:27No.
11:28Now, hold on a minute.
11:29The IBA is run by a woman.
11:30And as a woman, I have to say that some of the comments we heard on the television last night
11:34were very hard to stand.
11:36They were private comments.
11:37He didn't know Beatty had a tape recorder under the bed.
11:39She liked him talking about other women he'd been with.
11:41It was her thing.
11:42If this were anybody else, wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?
11:46As a group, what values do we stand for?
11:53Right, come on.
11:54Easy there.
11:55Easy.
11:57So, we'll go in the order they're called.
11:59James, James.
11:59Probably Cochester first, then Ruttminster.
12:02Ruttminster, Gloucester, Chalford and Bisley.
12:04Big swing for the Tories.
12:05We have Beatty Johnson presenting the show.
12:07Watch your feet there.
12:08And James Verica, of course, back on his trusty swing-o-meter.
12:11Everyone?
12:12This is Mrs Mingus Scott, who's joining Lady Gosling on the board of the IBA.
12:16After a ten-year stint, chairing the Women's Institute.
12:20So, used to making big decisions.
12:23All set for tonight, guys.
12:24Hopefully I won't have to do too much swinging this evening, Lady Gosling.
12:27And, um, Reverend Penny.
12:28Congratulations on your Campbell Black expose, Miss Johnson.
12:32I will end the haughtiness of the arrogant and lay low the pride of the ruthless.
12:36Let he that is without sin cast the first stone.
12:40Well, thank goodness that, uh, Campbell Black chose that little venturer set up over the
12:44Carinium Board.
12:45I'm sure the IBA would align with the public to take a stern view on his behaviour.
12:48I shall be speaking to Mr O'Hara in due course.
12:51One thing I'm curious about, Lord Battingham.
12:52Yes?
12:53As a prominent supporter of the government, isn't it rather an own goal to demolish Campbell
12:57Black's reputation the night before the country goes to the polls?
13:01Well, Sally, as someone who cares deeply about the reputation of our political system, I
13:05would say it's paramount.
13:06We make it clear to the country that we see no place for behaviour like Campbell Black's
13:11in the modern government, which is, of course, bigger than any individual member.
13:15Can't help thinking Mrs Thatcher would agree.
13:18Rupert always had a rapier wit.
13:20Milk snatcher.
13:22I spat out my sherry.
13:26Sorry.
13:29Archie's been writing to me at school.
13:31Archie Bellingham?
13:32Caitlin?
13:32He sent me a mixtape.
13:33It's mostly metal, but he also put Caravan of Love on it, so either he loves me or he wants
13:37to have sex and caravan.
13:39It's not just Rupert's reputation.
13:41If he's losing us work, it's a problem.
13:43I'm here to make telly.
13:44The Yates programme is your baby.
13:45We sell it somewhere else, Mike.
13:47Will anyone else take it now?
13:48I've had the Archbishop of Canterbury on the phone.
13:51This is a very difficult position for those of us on the board as moral advisers.
13:56Aye, sir, I'm just rubbish anyway.
13:58Well, it's actually all true, Wes.
13:59I was at that party with Johnny Friedlander, and believe me, Rupert's never been monogamous
14:02in his life.
14:05I mean, until now.
14:06So even a tree woman at once thinks?
14:08Well, it sounds jolly-tarring.
14:10Look at you.
14:11You're all as bad as each other, snickering schoolboys.
14:14Okay, I think it should take more than a carinium smear campaign to pull us apart.
14:18Freddie.
14:20You're very quiet.
14:21We'll struggle to do it without Rupert.
14:24It's not just a profile.
14:26We need his financial stake.
14:28But?
14:29But a good public reputation is crucial for a company.
14:33And Rupert's flushed ours down the cars.
14:37I spoke to my father.
14:39What did he say?
14:41Toshi?
14:43What did he say?
14:57Toshi's dad will cover Rupert's stake, but he needs to know that he's not part of the
15:01company anymore.
15:04Phone, Daddy.
15:05Not now, sweetheart.
15:07It is, well, me.
15:08She says it's urgent.
15:09Go.
15:10Just press pause, okay?
15:16I got a tag.
15:17Hello, love.
15:18Natalie Pro has got food poisoning.
15:20She can't go on tonight.
15:22Amod, darling, I really can't.
15:23I'm going on for her.
15:25To play.
15:27Laura.
15:28I can come.
15:29If you got in the car now, you can make curtain up.
15:31Have you seen the newspapers?
15:35It's Rupert.
15:35He's always in some scrape or other.
15:37I need you.
15:39Please?
15:40Don't worry, love.
15:41You'll be wonderful.
15:42My guys are tearing each other to bits here.
15:44If I leave now, the company could crumble.
15:45What?
15:46You're not coming.
15:46It's Venturer, love.
15:52But it's not dishonest, is it?
15:54Rupert is just Rupert.
15:55Always has been.
15:56Take it or leave it.
15:57I mean, I personally think people find it refreshing.
15:59The Archbishop doesn't.
16:00Doesn't he have anything better to do?
16:01I mean, how narrow-minded and prurient do you have to be to think this is a problem?
16:05How thoughtless and ignorant do you have to be to think it isn't?
16:07I thought you were a bohemian.
16:08Who here doesn't have a past?
16:09Not one that B.T. Johnson would be interested in.
16:11Well, I don't imagine she gets out of Glyndebourne, man.
16:13I'm sorry.
16:14It's him or me.
16:15Hey, whatever happened to loyalty?
16:16Cameron.
16:17Us against the world?
16:18Are we going to take this?
16:20Let's face it, a direct attack from Tony Battingham.
16:22Are we going to take it lying down?
16:23I'm all for love and forgiveness, but I simply don't see how our franchise bid can survive this.
16:28What about we just take a vote?
16:29Democracy in action!
16:30Fuck democracy!
16:36You know what I mean.
16:39You can abstain, Cameron.
16:41You better go while we vote.
16:44Mike, Patrick, you're not on the board, so you should step out as well.
16:48This isn't the venturer I signed up for.
16:56Rupert would swim through shark-infested water for any one of you if this were the other
16:59way around.
17:00Whatever you decide, please, God, have the grace to wait until after the election before
17:05you tell him he's been subjected to another vote.
17:13You're okay?
17:14This is such a fucking mess.
17:17Why'd you defend him?
17:18Because I love him.
17:21Because he fought for me.
17:23Now is my time to fight for him.
17:29Okay.
17:32How do we do this?
17:33How do we do this?
17:48How do we do this?
17:56How do we do this?
18:00The Scorpion.
18:02You're on the front page of all of us.
18:04Photographers have already set up camp outside, waiting for you to leave.
18:08Glad to see you've dressed up for my dressing down.
18:10For God's sake, River, grow up!
18:16We're all tired of the wanton schoolboy playing everything for a laugh.
18:21Might have been endearing in a young buck, but in a man nearing 40, I'm afraid it's long
18:27ago passed over into pathetic.
18:31Right.
18:33Needless to say, Helen's furious.
18:36Needless to say.
18:37Oh, she knew you'd been unfaithful to her during the marriage, but she had no idea of the scale
18:42of her humiliation.
18:43Thank God you saved her from me.
18:46We both know I didn't take Helen from you.
18:50You'd broken her a long time before I put her back together.
18:54And I'm damned if I'll let you break her again.
18:57Oh, come on, Millies.
18:59Who doesn't have their sexual pachadillas?
19:02I know Helen's tastes are pretty vanilla, but I'm sure you've used your riding crop on
19:05her a couple of times.
19:06Your daughter was in tears this morning, because she's afraid that you're going to die of AIDS.
19:14You've lost your wife, and you're about to lose your children, because you can't keep
19:20your bloody cock inside your trousers.
19:22Of course, the irony in all that is that I have stopped.
19:30Everything she exposed in that broadcast was years ago.
19:33Oh, really?
19:34Sarah Stratton, Natalie Perrault, months ago, and they're the last.
19:44I'm not excusing what's happened, but Beatty let me confide in her at a time when I needed
19:53to, and I had no idea she was recording every word of it to use against me later.
19:57Of course, I told her hundreds of good things about Helen, but they didn't broadcast any of
20:02that. But don't worry. I'll get what I deserve. I'm going to lose my seat tonight.
20:09Yes, most likely. But you've been dropped from the national team before and bounced back.
20:15You learned then, didn't you? Pulled yourself together. And Timmy died.
20:24I swore if I couldn't look after him, I'd take good care of the young riders on the team.
20:29Keep you close. Stop you repeating your mistakes again and again.
20:35But of course, it was hopeless. I used to blame myself. But the rot in you had set in long
20:42before
20:42I came on the scene. Your father gave you the worst possible example. You can do better for
20:48your children. They love you, the poor little buggers.
20:54For me?
20:57Put these on and go and cast your vote with dignity.
21:22Hope I can count on your vote, Willis.
21:26I shall be voting for the Liberals.
21:37Oh, Natalie's not on tonight. Tonight the Aurora will be played by Maud O'Hara.
21:42Oh, God, it gets worse. Let's just go for dinner.
21:44Oh, no, no. Let's go for a chance. Now we're here. We'd only be at home waiting for the results.
21:49Oh, darling.
22:04Look, there's Danny.
22:05But first, let's go over to the ITN newsroom.
22:19I know I shouldn't be here. I just wanted to talk to you. It's been a terrible day.
22:25I thought if James was on the telly, he couldn't be here, so...
22:29Oh. I'm cooking supper for the children.
22:33Of course. I'm sorry. Is that a potato waffle?
22:36Mm-hmm.
22:36Because, um, we haven't eaten all day. We've been arguing about Rupert.
22:44Oh.
22:44Declan's head has put it to a vote.
22:46Oh. What did you do?
22:48I voted for Rupert to stay.
22:49Oh, good. Of course he's behaved awfully, but I've always felt it's our job as his friends to stay loyal,
22:55to steer him onto the path.
22:58We've all done things.
23:02I knew he was going to say something wise like that.
23:05Val was worried he's going to invite us in for a threesome, so she's ripped out all the Pampers grass,
23:08just in case.
23:11But Rupert's staying.
23:13Well, Declan's got the casting vote. I left him to it. It didn't feel right.
23:17Mummy!
23:20I'm going to go on.
23:26Where do you stand on fish fingers?
23:29I can't get enough of them.
23:37OK, come on upstairs now for teeth brushing, please.
23:43You better listen to your mum or all your teeth will fall out.
23:46Oh, no.
23:47I've got no teeth.
23:50Where's your teeth going?
23:51You're funny, Mr Jones.
23:53Thank you, Mr Verica.
23:55I'm Sebastian.
23:56Well, I'm Freddie.
23:57Freddie!
23:57OK, upstairs now.
24:00Oh.
24:03Why are we all posh people called Sebastian?
24:05We're not posh people.
24:06You're posher than me.
24:08Oh!
24:09Oh, dear.
24:11Are you all right?
24:12Yeah.
24:13Have you got a wheelchair?
24:15Well, James treats me like a wheelchair, something you can fall back on in old age.
24:23Why did you marry him?
24:28Why did you marry him?
24:29Because he asked me.
24:35Why did you marry Valerie?
24:38I love him.
24:40I love him.
24:44Oh, my God.
24:47I should go.
24:50Oh.
24:57OK?
24:58Yeah.
25:00Yeah.
25:06Well, we're getting older.
25:07It's just...
25:08Rawr!
25:32Where are you?
25:41Good night, Freddy.
25:44Good night, Lizzie.
26:04Ta-da!
26:08Blimey.
26:09Look at you.
26:10Oh, doesn't he look fantastic?
26:13We spent the whole day at the school outfitters.
26:15Proper gentleman.
26:16He looks like a penguin.
26:18Sharon, stop it!
26:22Look what we've done, eh?
26:26Our boy.
26:28I'm proud of you.
26:31We've got everything on the list.
26:33Cricket kit, football kit, swimming kit, tennis kit.
26:37Rugby kit, fencing kit, all the kits.
26:39I'm proud of you and all.
26:41There won't be many Joneses boys on that rugby team all this, son, eh?
26:45Now, Eaton Rules says we can't see you for the first month.
26:47So you're going to have to be brave, Wayne, okay?
26:49No crying like a ninny.
26:51Now, most of them other boys, they've been away from home since they were babies.
26:55Sharon, come on.
26:56Stop being so lazy and have to get the rest of bags out of the car, you lump.
26:59Honestly.
27:08Don't know how I'm going to cope.
27:09Not seeing that cheeky little mug for that long.
27:12You sure you want this?
27:14It makes Mum happy.
27:17Can I take this off now?
27:19Yes, go on.
27:29Wasn't she wonderful?
27:32A revelation.
27:34I think you may have found your Titania.
27:37More!
27:38I couldn't cast more Lohara!
27:39Declan would howl!
27:41Let's go round and see her, shall we?
27:49Congratulations.
27:50Woman of the hour.
27:52Woman of the half-hour call.
27:55I mean, this is unexpected and nice.
27:58After thinking I didn't have anyone into nice...
28:00Yes, I'm sorry none of your family were there.
28:02I'm not.
28:03Toadie, isn't he awful?
28:05I'm not complaining.
28:06This is extremely nice wine.
28:08We usually end up at a sticky table at the Cochin Horses.
28:12Well, not for long.
28:13Tony, tell her.
28:15Ah, yes.
28:16Monica's had an idea.
28:17Oh.
28:18And I think it's a rather good one.
28:19I would like to offer you a role
28:21in Carinium's production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
28:25The leading lady, Titania, Queen of the Fairies.
28:28I think Ward knows her Shakespeare, darling.
28:31That's our flagship project.
28:33Film that Carinium with a live audience,
28:35broadcast from the network,
28:36with a subsequent video release
28:38for schools all over the country.
28:40It's going to have quite a reach.
28:41Wow.
28:42God.
28:44I mean, thank you.
28:47I mean, obviously I'll have to speak with my...
28:50Your husband, yes, of course.
28:51I was going to say my agent.
28:55Ibsen would be cried.
29:17Ready to go live, studio?
29:20Countdown to hand over to ITN in five, four, three.
29:28Good evening.
29:29And welcome to the Cotswold Roundup election special.
29:32Let's go over to our outside broadcast unit in Conchester now,
29:37where I am being told,
29:38yes, Paul Stratton has retained his seat for the Conservatives.
29:42I'd like to give thanks to all my supporters,
29:45my constituency staff,
29:47and to my wonderful secretary, Samantha.
29:50And, of course, I would like to thank my daughters,
29:53Penelope and Cressida,
29:55to my father, Desmond Stratton, QC,
29:58for his sage advice during this election.
29:59And finally, to my schnauzer,
30:02Sultan, for being there.
30:04Good boy, Sultan.
30:06Paul Stratton, Paul Cotterster for the Conservatives.
30:09All eyes now turn to Chalford and Blisley,
30:11where Rupert Campbell Black's seat hangs in the balance
30:13after last night's shocking expose.
30:15Over to James and his swing-o-meter.
30:17Paul Stratton retaining his majority by more than 15,000.
30:20A decisive win there.
30:22Oh, no, don't go that way.
30:23No, no, no, no.
30:26I'll just hold it.
30:27Don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
30:30Beat it.
30:32Head up, OK?
30:33Act like nothing's wrong and people will believe it.
30:36Whatever happens,
30:37I just want to say it has been an honour
30:39to serve with you and...
30:40All right, Gerald, I'm not going out of the top.
30:44Ready?
30:46Ready.
31:04Charlton and Blisley are about to declare.
31:06Stand by for outside broadcast.
31:08And I'm just hearing now that we can go over
31:10to Charlton and Blisley
31:11for the announcement of today's results.
31:13We weren't expecting you back tonight, Tony.
31:14I wouldn't miss this for the world.
31:17And cut to outside broadcast.
31:21As returning officer for the Childhood and Visley constituency,
31:24I hereby declare that the total number of votes
31:27each candidate was as follows.
31:30Michael Seaborne, Labour Party candidate, 5,342.
31:36David Edwards, known as Ba-Ba, Woolly Ramsbottom,
31:40Cotswold Loony Party, 283.
31:46Margaret Baldwin, Liberal Party, 24,292.
31:53Rupert Campbell Black, Conservative Party, 36,272.
32:05I do hereby declare that Rupert Campbell Black is duly elected
32:10Member of Parliament for Childhood and Visley.
32:39Rupert Campbell Black re-elected as Member of Parliament for Childhood.
32:42For the Visley, this is his girlfriend, television executive Cameron Cook.
32:48If you're just joining us, 88 results have been declared so far.
32:52In the last few moments, the Swiss Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell Black, has surprised everyone by retaining...
32:58the Swiss Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell Black, has been declared so far.
33:07Rupert Campbell Black, very lucky to be in the last two months.
33:14They just announced...
33:16He won, didn't he?
33:20How does he do it?
33:21He's still their Olympic hero.
33:23Not to those who really know him.
33:26He's even got you on side.
33:27Look.
33:28He still needs a father figure sometimes.
33:30Or maybe you still need a son.
33:34I'm sorry.
33:35I'm sorry.
33:37I sometimes think that you see Rupert through rose-tinted glasses because you missed Timmy.
33:42And it pains me because I'm pretty sure that Rupert is no kind of substitute.
33:46Rupert is a danger to everyone around him when he's a loose cannon.
33:49It's a good thing that he kept his seat.
33:52If Rupert were a woman, he would be tarred and feathered and dragged by his hair through the streets.
33:58Oh, for God's sake.
33:58He gets a seat of Parliament.
34:00All I get is to suffer by association.
34:02To look and feel stupid that I was ever married to him, that I ever had his children.
34:06No matter what I do, I will always be the Olympic hero's embarrassed first wife.
34:23What happened to you in Kenya?
34:27What?
34:29You never told me about Kenya.
34:31What happened to you there?
34:34No, no, I didn't.
34:38I didn't want to because I knew you'd think differently of me.
34:42Oh, and so you do.
34:45I think you should sleep in the spare room tonight.
34:50Which one?
34:58Hold the chicken in the air.
35:01Stick a dead chair up your nuts.
35:03Buy a jumbo jet.
35:05Have it very old clothes.
35:07Make your lesbian ring.
35:09Let it scratch your little teeth.
35:11Form a spring portent.
35:13And pretend your name is Peter.
35:28What the song is this?
35:31It's the chicken song.
35:32What?
35:34Spitting image.
35:34It's a parody.
35:35Of what?
35:36Parody?
35:37Oh, my God.
35:39Okay, come on.
35:40Let's go home.
35:40Well, I just won the general bloody election.
35:44Actually, Mrs. Thatcher just won the general bloody election.
35:48Honey, I need to talk to you about Venture.
35:51No, no, no.
35:51We're celebrating.
35:52Venture won the election.
35:57I'm going to bed.
35:59Fine, fine, fine.
36:01I'll come with you.
36:02No, no, no.
36:03Celebrate.
36:05It's your party.
36:27Take that, Dimbleby.
36:29As always, the great British public voted for Mummy.
36:31How about we go somewhere and celebrate?
36:33You and me?
36:34Why not?
36:35I'll check under the bed for tape recorders.
36:39Okay, then.
36:40Really?
36:41No.
36:44I thought you were wonderful, James.
36:48Ah!
36:49Hey, team.
36:50Who's up for partying?
36:52I could have a quick, my bridge.
36:55Daisy, going somewhere nice?
36:57Locking with the OB crew at the Cotchester Arms.
36:59Cider with the camera boys.
37:00I've got, uh, Bolly in my dressing room.
37:03No, thank you.
37:05Come on, Daisy.
37:06Why the sad face?
37:06Used to be much more up for partying.
37:08Buck off.
37:10Little Daisy just told me to F off.
37:17Deirdre?
37:18Yes, James.
37:20Call me a cab home.
37:20There's a love.
37:34What's wrong now?
37:41What's wrong now?
37:43Oh, what is it?
37:46Do you want to be married to him or not?
37:48If you do, stop being a whiny little bitch and go back to your house.
37:52You can't talk to me like that.
37:54I just did.
38:07The buzz, darling, of revealing to the nation the results of their little pencil marks.
38:11Oh, gosh, you're brilliant.
38:13Beatty, bloody, bumfuck, bloody Johnson getting all the glory.
38:18Maybe next year I could ask for a bigger pendulum.
38:20Yes.
38:22Oh, speaking of pendulums.
38:27Looks like my election erection's coming out to play again.
38:30Yes, it is.
38:32Hmm?
38:37Oh, um, I've brushed my teeth.
38:41Fine, we'll just have sex.
38:43Okay.
38:47Come on.
38:49Do you know, people really do underestimate me.
38:51But I'd be shocked if after tonight Venturer don't try to poach me.
38:54Or better yet, persuade me to be a mole.
38:56And be a fantastic double agent.
38:58Oh, open a little wider, Lizzie.
39:00I can't get it in.
39:02James the mole verica.
39:04There.
39:06That's the job, Lizzie.
39:07Good girl.
39:07Open up the barrow.
39:08Oh.
39:10I am a mole and I live in a hole.
39:13I am a mole and I live in a hole.
39:16Do, do, do, do.
39:17I am a mole and I live in a hole.
39:19Do, do, do, do.
39:21A hole.
39:22Oh.
39:25Oh.
39:28Oh, Lizzie.
39:33I am a kite.
39:35And you are my bollard.
39:39Oh.
39:53oh darling you're home congratulations you won I made you breakfast you must be exhausted after
40:01all that celebrating I'm so sorry about that stupid fight that we had it was just my hormones wasn't
40:13your fault at all but the baby your baby I've been so mean to you poorly I just want us
40:20to be a proper
40:21little family I'm so happy you know some women find that the second trimester it's the horniest three
40:40months of their life
41:08I can't believe Rupert actually did it he's Superman should I be jealous I'd do anything for Rupert but
41:20it's you I'm really in love with you and Mrs. Thatcher oh oh I think my erection just died no
41:26no really just just stop talking about Mrs. Thatcher sorry sorry you know I want to be an MP Giles
41:33and
41:34that's why you're getting married to a woman that you don't love and throwing away all your principles
41:38to work for a party that's taking away gay men's rights to even be considered human beings I'm
41:44going to change things from the inside why not you know Gerald congratulated me last night on being a
42:04perfect politician's wife Gerald is very drunk I mean what does that even look like put up and
42:13shut up well that's not your style is it you know I supported you because I don't think what happened
42:22to
42:22you was fair I can't deny anything Petey said so true you don't have to you are a whole person
42:36and I love you
42:48I'll take the dogs out
42:55I adore you thank you for supporting me
43:19Downing Street we're just on the phone Mrs. Thatcher wants to see you
43:35I know it's smarts darling whatever you think about Rupert you know I really couldn't do all this
43:40without your support all your ideas you're my secret weapon it cuts both ways darling we're a team
43:49now I think we've come out of this unpleasantness stronger than ever
43:53look at him I mean there is anything here but it's a Lancelot
43:56so fucks a lot
44:03you'll stop this feud with Rupert now yes please
44:10I will stop the feud with Rupert
44:25how did last night go for your mother did she call
44:27she didn't call
44:30egg steady
44:31no I couldn't eat tight
44:35Mrs. Thatcher's third landslide
44:37poor Mr. Kinnick should just give up she's going to be Prime Minister forever
44:41change is hard scares people so they stick with the status quo
44:47well that's depressing
44:50it's ready
44:50you gotta talk to Rupert
44:53what have you decided
44:58surely if you won the election
44:59I thought you'd want to know there's a press conference about to start at Downing Street
45:05let's hear what Maggie has to say for herself then
45:07it's not Mrs. Thatcher it's Rupert
45:15thank you gentlemen ladies
45:17I've spoken to Mrs. Thatcher in light of the uncensored program the night before last
45:22and the coverage that broadcast generated
45:25I told the Prime Minister that although I won my seat in yesterday's general election
45:29I do not want the scandal around me to distract from the important work that our government is doing
45:34it was therefore with deep regret that I tendered and the Prime Minister accepted
45:39my resignation as an MP and Minister
45:45there'll be another statement in your course
45:47seems you've won after all my lord
45:57one down
46:00three to go
46:11all right tell me
46:14can you need me to go?
46:16we're renting my time
46:18I've been wishing for the world
46:21there's an amazing life
46:24what emotion
46:25it's been a pleasure
46:27we're changing our fate
46:29we're taking the truth
46:33the world
46:34the world
46:35the world
46:36the world
46:36the world
46:36the world
46:36the world
46:38the world
46:42the world
46:42the world
46:43the world
46:43the world
46:43the world
46:46the world
46:47the world
46:48the world
46:49the world
46:49the world
46:49the world
46:50the world
46:51the world
46:51the world
46:52the world
46:52the world
46:53the world
46:54the world
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