- 16 hours ago
- #comedy
#comedy #sci-fi
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00The End
00:01:17And in the remote outer reaches of the universe, past civilisation as we know it, is a galactic system called
00:01:24the Milky Way.
00:01:26Now, this minor galaxy contains in its backwoods area a rather piddling star known as the Sun, with a really
00:01:35pitiful array of planets.
00:01:39So much for our lesson in space geography.
00:01:42And I hope you all took notes.
00:01:44There'll be a test first thing in the century.
00:01:46Now then.
00:01:50Where is he?
00:01:52Well, speak up.
00:01:53Where is Cretel?
00:01:55During recess, I saw him kick the ball over cloud nine.
00:01:58On purpose.
00:01:59But he said he'd be right back, Mr. Delton.
00:02:01Yes, he'd better be.
00:02:03I wonder if he's headed there again.
00:02:08Oh, no.
00:02:28That's Cretel, all right.
00:02:30Goofiest driver in the whole school.
00:02:31Oh, Cretel.
00:02:33Uh-uh.
00:02:34Mustn't touch.
00:02:47Let's go, Buster.
00:02:49Back here where you belong.
00:03:00It's him.
00:03:02It's he.
00:03:03It's he.
00:03:07All right, young man.
00:03:08I know you're there.
00:03:09Come out.
00:03:10Why don't you come in?
00:03:12Because I'm the teacher and I said come out.
00:03:15Well, I didn't mean any harm, Mr. Delton.
00:03:17See, Mr. Delton, I found my ball.
00:03:19Oh, I'll get it.
00:03:20Oh, no, you don't.
00:03:22Young man, you and I are going to have a little heart-to-heart talk.
00:03:27Back to your seats, all of you.
00:03:29Not you.
00:03:31Now then.
00:03:32You know perfectly well you've been forbidden to visit that odious little planetoid in solar system.
00:03:38Well, Mr. Delton, the Earth isn't a planetoid.
00:03:40It's a full-grown planet.
00:03:41It has six continents, five oceans, two moons.
00:03:44One moon.
00:03:44One moon?
00:03:46Well, anyhow, it's my hobby.
00:03:48See, and, well, as I calculate it, right now down there, they're having a very interesting period of civil war.
00:03:53Well, gee whiz, Mr. Delton.
00:03:54Every guy should have a hobby.
00:03:55Not in your case.
00:03:57Remember Mars, your last hobby?
00:03:59We should never have let you set foot on the place.
00:04:01Bare, barren, desolate.
00:04:03Nobody goes there anymore.
00:04:05No.
00:04:06Say, maybe if they put in gambling, you know what's...
00:04:08Nothing would help.
00:04:09Thanks to your thoughtlessness, Mars is a dead planet.
00:04:12What good is it?
00:04:13Well, you...
00:04:14Now, Creton, I want you to write.
00:04:16I will not visit the Earth ten billion times.
00:04:21Stay after school a bit if necessary.
00:04:24But, Mr. Delton, I got a date with the fellas to go space skiing.
00:04:28I got wax on my feet and everything.
00:04:30Ten billion times.
00:04:34Ten billion.
00:04:36Well.
00:04:42Did he say ten billion times or ten million times?
00:04:45What's the difference?
00:04:46I'll start with the first time.
00:04:50I will not visit the...
00:05:11He's gone again.
00:05:13Boy, is he in for it.
00:05:15You mean, is the Earth in for it?
00:05:34It is.
00:05:36It is one of them.
00:05:40It is.
00:05:41It is.
00:05:46It is.
00:05:51Hi, Mr. Mayberry.
00:05:53Just picked up my costume for your party tonight.
00:05:55What are you going at?
00:05:57General Lee, same as every year.
00:05:58What are you looking at?
00:05:59A flying saucer.
00:06:00A what?
00:06:01Didn't you see it?
00:06:02Well, no, sir.
00:06:03This is the real thing, Conrad.
00:06:06Look for yourself.
00:06:09Do you see it?
00:06:10Do you see it?
00:06:11Now, Mr. Mayberry, there ain't nothing up there except a little old cloud.
00:06:15Oh, give me those.
00:06:17Little old cloud, nothing.
00:06:18There she is.
00:06:20Going round and round and round.
00:06:23Can I have another look?
00:06:24Just as plain as day.
00:06:26Well?
00:06:27I'm looking.
00:06:28What is your considered opinion, Conrad?
00:06:31You won't get mad.
00:06:33Well, of course I won't.
00:06:34Well, Mr. Mayberry, my considered opinion is, you ought to see an eye doctor.
00:06:39You got a stigmatism.
00:06:41Eye doctor.
00:06:42Well, I got to get over the spellings.
00:06:44I got to drop these flowers off for Alan.
00:06:46Stigmatism.
00:06:47To where to your party tonight?
00:06:49Bye-bye.
00:06:54Oh, my goodness.
00:06:56It's wiggling like a hula hoop.
00:06:59George, I fully realize that you are vice president in charge of programming, but I will not pull my punches.
00:07:06The American public has faith in Roger Putnam Spelding, and I intend to expose this flying saucer scare once and
00:07:14for all on my telecast tonight.
00:07:17Hello? Hello?
00:07:19Reba, will you please get off the telephone? I am talking to New York.
00:07:23I'm sorry, dear. I was calling the Mayberries.
00:07:26Do you think they'll need more mint for the juleps?
00:07:29Reba, please. I'm talking to George Abercrombie.
00:07:32Really? Oh, hello, George. And goodbye.
00:07:39Evening, Conrad.
00:07:40Evening, Miss Spelding.
00:07:44Not dressed yet for the party?
00:07:46There's plenty of time, Mrs. Spelding.
00:07:49Oh, darling, there's some terrible force just keeps driving me on and on and on.
00:07:53Well, you just restrain that terrible force because I'm getting prickly heat again.
00:07:57Don't forget to dress for the party, Conrad.
00:08:00Honey, let's get married. Right now.
00:08:02Conrad, as you may have suspected, I find you sexually attractive.
00:08:07But you just don't have any money.
00:08:10Well, I don't happen to believe in money.
00:08:14Ellen, no marriage till we finish college and get our degree.
00:08:19Oh, I don't know. Maybe marriage is all I'm fit for.
00:08:22Reading.
00:08:24Out in the fields and then an hour later, back to the plow, carrying my newborn child on my back.
00:08:33Ellen!
00:08:34If you're going to talk that way, go someplace where smart talk's appreciated.
00:08:37Go to a bar or to a bus station.
00:08:39I sometimes wonder if all that cod liver oil wasn't a mistake.
00:08:43Children were stuffed with it.
00:08:45And now look at them.
00:08:48I'd like a big family.
00:08:50So would I.
00:08:51Let's start right now.
00:08:54Conrad.
00:08:55We'll get married.
00:08:57And then our weekend at the lake.
00:09:03All I am saying, George, is that it's high time the American public grew up.
00:09:09How does it look, dear?
00:09:12George, I am not calling all of the American public boobs, only the boobs that believe this drivel.
00:09:18I'll admit it's a bit daring.
00:09:21But after all, Scarlet was a husband.
00:09:24Reba, for heaven's sake.
00:09:25Hurry or we'll be late for the party.
00:09:29Red?
00:09:30I am going as Jefferson Davis.
00:09:33Now that's final, George.
00:09:35My program goes on the air exactly as we taped it this morning.
00:09:39Goodbye.
00:09:41Censorship.
00:09:42The curse of the intelligent man.
00:09:49And what are you doing?
00:09:50He's just giving me a hand, Daddy.
00:09:52He certainly is.
00:09:53Get it out of there.
00:09:54Her zipper's stuck, Mr. Spelding.
00:09:55No man has the right to zipper girl until they're engaged.
00:09:59Oh, I'm sure we can trust Conrad.
00:10:01He's very mechanical.
00:10:02Hey, Mr. Spelding, what do you think about these UFO reports?
00:10:05Poppycock.
00:10:06Mr. Mayberry doesn't think so.
00:10:08He swears he saw an unidentified flying object heading toward Richmond a little while ago.
00:10:12Bob Mayberry saw the Richmond plane heading toward Richmond.
00:10:15Mass hysteria, that's what it is.
00:10:17I am laying it on the line tonight with the American public.
00:10:21You could be wrong, dear.
00:10:23Spacemen.
00:10:24There ain't no such animal.
00:10:26That's the phrase I'm hitting them with on my telecast.
00:10:28Remember that scoop you had about Elvis?
00:10:30You said he was going into the Navy.
00:10:32Why don't you go home and get dressed?
00:10:35Yes, sir.
00:10:36Ouch!
00:10:38I'll be back soon, Ellen.
00:10:39All right, dear.
00:10:41Some mechanic.
00:10:45Flying saucer over Richmond.
00:10:47Now I've heard everything.
00:10:49There ain't no such animal.
00:11:07Safe.
00:11:18Oh.
00:11:21Good evening.
00:11:22I wonder if you could help me.
00:11:23Am I anywhere near, uh...
00:11:27Oh, I guess he hasn't learned to read yet.
00:11:51What's the matter, Rags?
00:11:52Hungry?
00:11:54Reba, when are you going to feed this dog?
00:12:20I think he's trying to tell you something.
00:12:22Of course he is.
00:12:23He's trying to tell me he's hungry.
00:12:25You see, he's not hungry at all.
00:12:28Now, where do you ever learn that trick?
00:12:30I don't know.
00:12:32Someone at the side door.
00:12:34I'll get it, dear.
00:12:37Well, Reba, it's almost seven.
00:12:38Do you mind turning on the TV set in the living room?
00:12:40Of course, dear.
00:12:41Any particular channel?
00:12:43My channel.
00:12:44I want to watch me.
00:12:46Nobody else in this house does.
00:13:08Good evening, madam.
00:13:10My name is Kuitang, and my respects to General Lee.
00:13:13I should like to see him instantly.
00:13:16General Lee?
00:13:17Oh, you mean Bob Mayberry down the road.
00:13:19That's where the party is.
00:13:21But I'm here for the battle.
00:13:23Oh, I don't think it'll be a brawl.
00:13:26Although last year.
00:13:28Well, we'll be leaving in a few minutes.
00:13:30Why don't you just drive over with us, Mr. Crouton?
00:13:32Uh, that's Crouton.
00:13:34And thank you very much.
00:13:36TV set warmed up yet?
00:13:38Just turning it on, dear.
00:13:41My husband's television program.
00:13:43He's very popular, they tell me.
00:13:45Oh, really?
00:13:53Oh, Mr. Crouton.
00:13:57Yes?
00:13:58Do sit down and watch.
00:14:01Well, television in 1861?
00:14:03That's funny.
00:14:04I thought it came much later.
00:14:05Smoke if you'd like to.
00:14:20Men, stop!
00:14:21Whatever you're doing.
00:14:22Yes, stop and reflect a moment.
00:14:26Are you a thinking man?
00:14:28Yeah, I think I'm a thinking man.
00:14:30Why not review your smoking habits?
00:14:33Wait, I'm busy thinking.
00:14:34Do it now.
00:14:35Yes, sir.
00:14:36But first, relax.
00:14:39Get comfortable.
00:14:42You mind if I sit down?
00:14:44Sit down.
00:14:48You're very kind.
00:14:52Now then, before you light up.
00:14:54Oh, I'm sorry.
00:14:55Inspect the filter at the end of your smoke.
00:14:58Look inside.
00:15:01Look closely.
00:15:03Oh.
00:15:04What do you see?
00:15:05Tobacco?
00:15:06What would you see?
00:15:07Inspect the tobacco.
00:15:08Try a crumble test.
00:15:11A crumble test?
00:15:12Rub the tobacco between your hands.
00:15:19Now, whip it.
00:15:21Wait, I'm still busy crumbling.
00:15:24Whip it!
00:15:25Oh, yes, sir.
00:15:28Does it have that fresh, deep-down aroma?
00:15:31Makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
00:15:33It made me stop and sneeze.
00:15:35So, men, just throw that old smoke of yours away.
00:15:39And try one of these.
00:15:44Put it between your lips.
00:15:48Close your eyes.
00:15:51Now, light up.
00:15:54Yes, light up and live.
00:16:00Light up and live?
00:16:01Well, I'm going to be burned to death.
00:16:03You damn Yankee.
00:16:07His name is Cretan.
00:16:09Why can't he walk over there?
00:16:11Who is he, anyway?
00:16:13Some friend of the Mayberries.
00:16:14A nice young man.
00:16:20Oh, confound it.
00:16:21I'm missing me.
00:16:26This dog has gone nuts.
00:16:28Now, scoot.
00:16:29Jump.
00:16:35Now.
00:16:37For several years now,
00:16:38certain lunatic elements
00:16:39have proclaimed the existence
00:16:41of flying saucers.
00:16:43I should like to nail the subject down
00:16:45once and for all.
00:16:47There ain't no such animal.
00:16:51There is no life on other planets
00:16:53capable of building spaceships.
00:16:56And, to interject a purely American note,
00:16:59no country in the world but ours
00:17:01has the industrial know-how
00:17:04to build such a ship.
00:17:06Right.
00:17:07Let me show you some recent photographs
00:17:09of objects purported to be spaceships.
00:17:13My president, Jefferson Davidson.
00:17:15Of all people,
00:17:16I can't tell you how glad I am to meet you.
00:17:19Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir.
00:17:21For what?
00:17:23Number two.
00:17:25Your left sideburn, sir.
00:17:27They shot it off.
00:17:28Number three.
00:17:29Quiet.
00:17:29I'm sorry.
00:17:30I'm trying to listen.
00:17:32Oh, I'll listen also, sir.
00:17:34And number four.
00:17:37Optical illusions,
00:17:39every one of them.
00:17:40Mass hysteria.
00:17:42That's telling them, eh, boy?
00:17:44Yes, sir.
00:17:45It's too bad he's full of hooey.
00:17:48Hooey?
00:17:48Oh, well, I believe
00:17:49that's the expression, sir.
00:17:51Or is it a...
00:17:52A goof at desk?
00:17:53No!
00:17:54Hooey, that's it.
00:17:55He's full of hooey.
00:17:57There's no need for alarm.
00:17:59No need at all.
00:18:01We shall return to Roger Putnam's
00:18:03building in a moment.
00:18:04But first,
00:18:05have you inspected your filter lately?
00:18:09Smoke?
00:18:10Superb.
00:18:11Superb tobacco.
00:18:13Superbly blended.
00:18:14A superb filter.
00:18:16Mr. President,
00:18:17don't you listen to him.
00:18:18He'll burn your whiskers off.
00:18:20Carl, stop!
00:18:20Ah, I mean it, sir.
00:18:22He did a job on me.
00:18:22Burnt my head in my face.
00:18:24You think I'm full of hooey, eh?
00:18:26Oh, no, sir.
00:18:27I didn't say that you were full of hooey.
00:18:28I said that the...
00:18:32Well, you're not Jefferson Davis.
00:18:35You're...
00:18:35You're him, that man on TV,
00:18:37that...
00:18:38Roger Pellman Sputton.
00:18:40Spelding.
00:18:41I know who I am.
00:18:42The question is, who are you?
00:18:43Uh-uh.
00:18:44No, sir.
00:18:44The question is, when am I?
00:18:46When are you?
00:18:47Well, what I mean to say is,
00:18:48what year is this?
00:18:501960.
00:18:511960?
00:18:53I'm 99 years off.
00:18:55What year did you have in mind?
00:18:57Well, 1861.
00:18:59You see, I was on my way to the Civil War,
00:19:01and something went wrong with the machine
00:19:02on my calculations.
00:19:03I don't know which,
00:19:04but I landed here 99 years out of my way.
00:19:08But I never was very good at dates.
00:19:11Are you trying to pull my leg?
00:19:13Oh, no, sir.
00:19:14But if you'd like me to...
00:19:21Oh, I've been awfully rude, sir.
00:19:23I haven't introduced myself.
00:19:24My name is Cretan.
00:19:25I'm from the other side.
00:19:26Other side of where?
00:19:27The other side of the universe.
00:19:28Another planet.
00:19:30Oh, I'm sorry.
00:19:31Oh, no.
00:19:33Actually, what I'm...
00:19:35Come on, come on.
00:19:35I know a trick when I see one.
00:19:37Now, where's the wire that you did this with?
00:19:46What is this?
00:19:47Oh, I'm sorry.
00:19:48I neglected to warn you.
00:19:49You see, I can touch you,
00:19:51but you mustn't touch me.
00:19:53You understand?
00:19:54Look, I'll show you.
00:19:57You see?
00:19:58Hmm.
00:20:01They do exist.
00:20:02And you're one of them.
00:20:04Well, you...
00:20:06You come from out there.
00:20:07That's it.
00:20:08Yes, indeed.
00:20:09But that's our little secret now,
00:20:11isn't it, Mr. Spelding?
00:20:14That's odd.
00:20:16I thought I turned that motor off.
00:20:20Oh, I'll be spending the night here.
00:20:22That is, if it's convenient.
00:20:24I'll be right back.
00:20:33You boobs, my friends.
00:20:36I simply repeat,
00:20:37when it comes to visitors from outer space,
00:20:40there ain't no such animal.
00:20:44That's what you think,
00:20:45you stupid boob.
00:21:06Oh, Mr. Delton, sir.
00:21:08Uh, you playing hooky, too?
00:21:11I certainly am not.
00:21:13So, you've gone over the cloud again, eh?
00:21:16What's your excuse this time?
00:21:18Another missing volleyball?
00:21:20Oh, no, sir.
00:21:21No, Mr. Delton.
00:21:22Um, I lost my marbles.
00:21:25You lost your marbles long ago.
00:21:28Well, I'll tell the truth, Mr. Delton.
00:21:30You see, the reason I played hooky
00:21:31and came down here is because,
00:21:33well, I like the earth,
00:21:34and I like the people on it.
00:21:35And, well, sir,
00:21:37can't I study them?
00:21:38Absolutely not.
00:21:39But it would be like homework, sir.
00:21:41After all, I am majoring in the planet Earth.
00:21:43Under no circumstance.
00:21:46On second thought,
00:21:47maybe you ought to get this out of your system.
00:21:50It might do you a world of good.
00:21:52Another world, that is.
00:21:53You mean I can stay then, sir?
00:21:55For a bit.
00:21:56But remember, Creton,
00:21:58there's a wise old proverb that goes,
00:22:00up is down, and down is up.
00:22:02And never the twain shall meet.
00:22:04Yes, I remember it.
00:22:05I remember it well, sir.
00:22:06But you must keep in mind
00:22:07that this visit of yours must be a secret.
00:22:09And don't get involved with these earth people.
00:22:12You can't trust them.
00:22:13No, you can't trust them at all, sir.
00:22:15Except Mr. Spellby.
00:22:16He's very nice,
00:22:16and he wouldn't tell a soul about me.
00:22:18He wouldn't, eh?
00:22:20At this very moment,
00:22:21he's calling New York.
00:22:22Listen.
00:22:25I don't care if he is having dinner.
00:22:27This is important.
00:22:28I'll fix his wagon.
00:22:30What are you going to do, Mr. Delton?
00:22:32That joker's getting the old 86.
00:22:34Oh, no, don't disintegrate him, Mr. Delton, please.
00:22:36He's a very nice man,
00:22:37and he's going to a party later,
00:22:38and his wife won't have anyone to dance with.
00:22:40Couldn't you just throw a little old 14 at him?
00:22:4314, it is.
00:22:44You're very kind.
00:22:47Here's how I start my program tomorrow.
00:22:52Well, speak up, man.
00:22:54And I have a dinner party waiting for me.
00:22:56How do you intend to start your broadcast?
00:23:00May we had a widow lamb.
00:23:02Its waist was white as snow.
00:23:05Everywhere that may we went.
00:23:09Roger, are you out of your mind?
00:23:12The lamb was short to go.
00:23:17Spelding, you're drunk.
00:23:19Study these earthlings, but don't get involved.
00:23:23No, I won't.
00:23:24Don't you worry, Mr. Delton.
00:23:25And thank you very much.
00:23:27And I'll be a good boy, Mr. Delton.
00:23:29Have a good trip.
00:23:31So long.
00:23:48What happened?
00:23:49Well, you were snitching, so you got a 14.
00:23:51You could have gotten an 86.
00:23:53What's an 86?
00:23:54Come, I'll show you.
00:24:00Well?
00:24:02Watch that plant.
00:24:18That's an 86.
00:24:30You will like him.
00:24:31He's really a very nice young man.
00:24:34Oh, Mr. Cretan.
00:24:35Yes.
00:24:36This is my daughter, Ellen.
00:24:37Hello.
00:24:39Oh, 36.
00:24:4224.
00:24:44And 36.
00:24:46That's better.
00:24:47Yeah, much better.
00:24:48Pardon?
00:24:48Oh, I mean, this bend.
00:24:51What?
00:24:51Well, what I mean to say is it does something for girls.
00:24:54You see, where I come from, the girls are 36 straight, and that's it.
00:24:58But this, it breaks up the monotony.
00:25:02Oh, I'm sorry.
00:25:03He is cute, Mother.
00:25:05I was right.
00:25:06I was right.
00:25:07I was right.
00:25:08I owe a good evening, Helen, Reba.
00:25:11I just received a flash from headquarters on the flying saucers.
00:25:14It's confirmed, Roger.
00:25:15Why, I even saw one with my own eyes as plain as day.
00:25:19There were machine guns sticking out of the side.
00:25:21And underneath it had a rack of bombs.
00:25:23And a tremendous cannon poking out of a pillbox on the top.
00:25:26Ho, ho, ho.
00:25:28How do you do?
00:25:29How do you do?
00:25:30Have we met?
00:25:31Not unless you've ever been to X-47.
00:25:35Well...
00:25:35Oh, this is Mr. Mayberry.
00:25:36He's host at the party tonight.
00:25:38Oh.
00:25:39Nice costume.
00:25:40Right costume, wrong century.
00:25:46Oh, get this, Roger.
00:25:47Get this.
00:25:48At 1800 this evening, an unidentified flying object was spotted high over the man...
00:25:53Oh, Bob, you shouldn't read that in front of Roger.
00:25:55Remember, there ain't no such animal.
00:25:58No such animal as what, Mother?
00:26:00As visitors from beyond.
00:26:03Tensy-weensy little men with long green feelers like this.
00:26:06Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Spelding, but the long green feelers won out with the short red tails.
00:26:12Short red tails?
00:26:15Bob, Reba, for heaven's sake!
00:26:17Short red tails!
00:26:20That's a good one.
00:26:23No.
00:26:23Oh, no.
00:26:26Yes, yes, indeed.
00:26:27You put fingerprints all over it.
00:26:29I mean, I don't care for me personally.
00:26:31But we are supposed to keep it clean.
00:26:33You know, sloppy barrier, sloppy mind.
00:26:36Ha, ha.
00:26:45You know what's going on, Rog.
00:26:47Tell us.
00:26:50I can't.
00:26:51I have to watch out for that old 86.
00:26:5486?
00:26:55Look what happened to the azalea plant.
00:26:58It's withered!
00:26:59That's what I mean.
00:27:02Can I tell them, please?
00:27:05Well, as long as I am going to be a guest in your house, I suppose it'll be all right.
00:27:10But remember now, this is our little secret.
00:27:13You see...
00:27:14I'm from another world.
00:27:16From another...
00:27:17Planet!
00:27:18It's true!
00:27:19Jupiter?
00:27:20Jupiter?
00:27:21No one lives on Jupiter.
00:27:23Well, at least no one I know.
00:27:25Why did you come here?
00:27:26Oh, I guess it was a combined pleasure and study trip.
00:27:31You know, a visit to your small planet from mine.
00:27:34Eight million light years away.
00:27:36Eight million?
00:27:38Imagine!
00:27:39Imagine!
00:27:39Poor boy.
00:27:40You must be exhausted.
00:27:43I am, as a matter of fact.
00:27:44A little pooped right now.
00:27:46A good night's sleep will take care of that.
00:27:48I'll fix up the guest room.
00:27:50Oh, well, thank you very much.
00:27:51Yes.
00:27:52Oh, well...
00:27:58Okay.
00:28:16That's what I'm doing.
00:28:19A spaceman.
00:28:21At least that's what I would have said ten minutes ago.
00:28:23Ain't I something?
00:28:25Excuse me, please.
00:28:27How do you do?
00:28:28I wonder, do you mind?
00:28:30Go ahead.
00:28:36You know, I'm sick and tired of going to this old floor
00:28:38all over your address as Stonewall Jackson.
00:28:40This year I'm going is a sure enough spaceman.
00:28:43Boom, boom!
00:28:44Oh, you don't need that to boom, boom.
00:28:47May I?
00:28:48Sure.
00:28:51Mr. Spelding, who is that?
00:28:53That, you boob, is a spaceman.
00:28:56A spaceman?
00:28:59You're kidding.
00:29:01Will you please sit down and shut up?
00:29:09Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Spelding.
00:29:16Get this thing off me.
00:29:20Get it off?
00:29:21Yes, I will.
00:29:23Just a second.
00:29:29Oops.
00:29:30I'm sorry, Mr. Spelding.
00:29:32I guess I aimed just a little too high.
00:29:34If you just take your hands down and relax.
00:29:36Just hold perfectly still.
00:29:44There we are.
00:29:53See, Mr. Spelding?
00:29:54I can, but you can't.
00:30:00Sure enough, ever-loving, cotton-picking spaceman.
00:30:04Here you are, Mr. Spelding.
00:30:06I hope that I didn't upset you.
00:30:07Guest room's ready.
00:30:08Oh, thank you very much, Mrs. Spelding.
00:30:10I hope I didn't put you out.
00:30:11Oh, and you'll find some of Mr. Spelding's clothes in the closet.
00:30:14Feel free to wear them.
00:30:16My clothes?
00:30:17Are you radioactive?
00:30:18Oh, you needn't worry about that, sir.
00:30:20I've had my shots.
00:30:21Well, enjoy yourselves, everybody.
00:30:23I'm going to bed.
00:30:24Bye-bye.
00:30:25Good night.
00:30:25You forgot your bag, Cretan.
00:30:27Oh, so I did.
00:30:29And thank you.
00:30:34Bob?
00:30:36Where are you going?
00:30:37I know my duty when I see it.
00:30:39I'm reporting this to state militia.
00:30:41I wouldn't do that.
00:30:42He wants it kept secret.
00:30:43Secret?
00:30:45Oh, oh, oh, of course, of course.
00:30:47Well, you can trust me, Raj.
00:30:49Won't tell a soul.
00:30:54Conrad?
00:30:55I won't tell a soul either, Mr. Spelding.
00:30:57You're darned right you won't.
00:30:58You think I let a blabbermouth like you get me in trouble?
00:31:00You are not leaving this house tonight.
00:31:02You are sleeping here.
00:31:05In my room.
00:31:07I'm sorry, Mr. Spelding.
00:31:09I just can't.
00:31:10I mean, well, I'm not going to leave Myrtle alone at my place all night.
00:31:14Myrtle?
00:31:14His goat, Daddy, remember?
00:31:16Oh, yeah.
00:31:17Myrtle hasn't been a bit well, Mr. Spelding.
00:31:18She looks very peaked.
00:31:20And for the last couple of days, she's been running a temperature.
00:31:22Well, she can run it over here.
00:31:23Put Myrtle in our barn.
00:31:25Is it air-conditioned?
00:31:26Get going.
00:31:27Yes, sir, I'll do that.
00:31:31What about the party, Daddy?
00:31:33We are not going to the party.
00:31:35So glad you could...
00:31:39Oh, good evening, good evening.
00:31:41Mabel, Mabel.
00:31:42Get them into the living room.
00:31:43What?
00:31:44Get them into the living room, please.
00:31:45Hurry, dear, hurry.
00:31:47Well, will you all please go into the living room and enjoy yourself?
00:31:50I'll be there in just a moment.
00:31:52And have fun.
00:31:54Robert, what in the world?
00:31:56Please don't ask any questions, Mabel.
00:31:58This is the biggest thing that ever happened to Manassas.
00:32:00To the country!
00:32:01Captain Jackson?
00:32:02Mayberry of Manassas.
00:32:03Listen carefully.
00:32:04This is top, top secret.
00:32:07At precisely 7.45 tonight...
00:32:09Mary had a Widowam.
00:32:13Mustn't do that, Mr. Mayberry.
00:32:25Oh, hiya, rags.
00:32:26Come on in.
00:32:27Come on.
00:32:33There's no reason why we can't be friends, rags.
00:32:36Now, what's on your mind?
00:32:38Come on, out with it.
00:32:40Oh, I forgot.
00:32:45I don't believe it.
00:32:46There ain't no such human.
00:32:48You've been spending too much time with Mr. Spelding.
00:32:50I'm perfectly normal.
00:32:53Rags, where do you sleep at night?
00:32:55Me?
00:32:55In a lousy box on the back porch.
00:32:58They think I'm a watchdog, but I'm really not.
00:33:01I'm yellow.
00:33:03So am I.
00:33:06Rags, I have a thought.
00:33:08Why don't you bunk here with me tonight?
00:33:10With you?
00:33:11Well, sure, why not?
00:33:24Oh.
00:33:29Oh.
00:33:40Rags, you take the lower.
00:33:49Normal, he says.
00:33:58Good morning, Cretan.
00:33:59Oh, good morning, Ellen.
00:34:01You look very pretty this morning.
00:34:04Well, how do you like it?
00:34:05Uh, your first day on Earth, I mean.
00:34:07Oh, oh, man.
00:34:08It's just wonderful.
00:34:09I like it a lot, except that it's not exactly what I thought it would be.
00:34:12Why?
00:34:13What did you imagine?
00:34:14Well, I'm a little disappointed.
00:34:16You know, I miss the Civil War and Gettysburg and Shiloh and Manassas.
00:34:22You keep talking about the past.
00:34:23Are you from the future?
00:34:25Yeah.
00:34:25Uh-huh.
00:34:26I can visit you at any moment in your history.
00:34:30You know, time is really a trapezoid.
00:34:33You know what that means, don't you?
00:34:34No, I'm afraid I don't.
00:34:36You don't know what a trapezoid is?
00:34:38Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:34:40Well, I don't either, actually.
00:34:42That's the trouble with school, you see.
00:34:44They make you memorize things that you're never, ever going to use.
00:35:07Cretan, what's it like in space?
00:35:09Oh, it's pretty nice.
00:35:11Especially if you're traveling out of season.
00:35:13Uh-oh.
00:35:14Uh-oh, trouble.
00:35:15Trouble?
00:35:16Your daddy's in the study, and he's waiting for a call from George Abercrombie in New York.
00:35:21And is he worried?
00:35:22You mean you can tell what daddy's thinking?
00:35:24Uh-huh.
00:35:25Would you like to listen in?
00:35:30George Abercrombie, big shot executive, thinks he has brains.
00:35:34Well, I've got news for him.
00:35:35His brains aren't in his head, they're in his...
00:35:38Oh!
00:35:40You have to be awfully careful of thoughts.
00:35:43Like, for instance, your thoughts.
00:35:45Right now.
00:35:46I haven't a thing on my mind.
00:35:48Except Conrad.
00:35:51The truth, Ellen?
00:35:52Poor Conrad.
00:35:54Sleeping with daddy.
00:35:56And if daddy knew what he was planning for this weekend at the lake, he'd strangle him in his sleep.
00:36:02No chaperones.
00:36:04I'm frightened.
00:36:06No, I'm excited.
00:36:09I'm really looking forward to...
00:36:11He's inside.
00:36:13Cretan's inside my mind.
00:36:16Cretan, stop that!
00:36:18Well, Ellen, wait a minute.
00:36:20I mean...
00:36:20Well, I didn't mean to embarrass you.
00:36:22Well, now you know.
00:36:23Oh, Cretan, the whole thing is so mixed up.
00:36:26Well, let's unmix it.
00:36:27First, how does Conrad feel about your father?
00:36:29I'm afraid he doesn't like daddy very much.
00:36:31And what does your father think about Conrad?
00:36:33He despises him.
00:36:34Well, then the first thing we have to do is to change the sleeping arrangements.
00:36:37Because last night certainly wasn't satisfactory at all.
00:36:40Now, there are three bedrooms and I'm in one.
00:36:42Now, let's put Mr. and Mrs. Spelding in bedroom A.
00:36:44Together.
00:36:45Now, you and Conrad...
00:36:47Yes, this is going to work out just fine, Ellen.
00:36:49You and Conrad can take over bedroom B.
00:36:52But Conrad and I aren't married.
00:36:56Well, I didn't mean any harm by it, Ellen.
00:36:58You have to understand that...
00:36:59Well, you see, where I come from, we don't tangle.
00:37:02You don't tangle?
00:37:04Oh, no, we haven't done that for a long time.
00:37:08Well, if you don't tangle, what do you do?
00:37:12I mean, how do you multiply?
00:37:15Multiply what?
00:37:16Each other.
00:37:17How do you have babies?
00:37:18Oh, we don't.
00:37:20I don't understand.
00:37:21Well, let me explain, Ellen.
00:37:22You see, we have ourselves.
00:37:23And, well, since we're for real forever,
00:37:27well, there's enough of us.
00:37:28Do you understand?
00:37:29So now you never tangle?
00:37:32No, never.
00:37:33It's a lost art.
00:37:34Although I must admit, we were a little hasty, I think.
00:37:37But anyway, you must promise me that you'll let me watch
00:37:40next time you and Conrad oscillate antennas.
00:37:45Oscillate antennas?
00:37:46Oh, I'm sorry.
00:37:47Well, that's what they call it on Venus.
00:37:48But down here, I believe they refer to it as, um,
00:37:51pitching woo.
00:37:52May I watch?
00:37:56Well, Ellen, what do I say now?
00:37:58That's really the one thing I want to see while I'm down here.
00:38:01Preeton, you've got to stop talking like that.
00:38:04I know you're from another planet and all,
00:38:06and I guess we do think an awful lot about sex down here.
00:38:09But we're not supposed to discuss it.
00:38:11And anyway, it only happens when nobody's looking.
00:38:14Morning, Conrad.
00:38:16Did you sleep well?
00:38:17I was up all night.
00:38:19Well, Ellen, your father grinds his teeth.
00:38:23It's just gruesome.
00:38:27He's been listening to my mind.
00:38:29Huh?
00:38:30I know all about the weekend at the lake.
00:38:33No chaperone?
00:38:34Yeah, how about that?
00:38:38How'd he find out?
00:38:39I just told you.
00:38:40I was thinking about you,
00:38:41and Preeton saw it in my mind.
00:38:43Well, guess who I'm thinking about right this minute,
00:38:45Peach Russell.
00:38:47So that's how you earthlings do it, huh?
00:38:49Very interesting.
00:38:50Very interesting indeed.
00:38:52Well, I'm pretty well straightened away,
00:38:54except for just one little detail,
00:38:56a teensy-weensy thing I'm still not too sure of.
00:38:58Uh, which one has the baby?
00:39:00Kreeton!
00:39:01Uh, Conrad, go get the car.
00:39:03We'll be late for class.
00:39:04Oh, in a minute.
00:39:06I gotta go out to the barn,
00:39:08give Myrtle her breakfast.
00:39:11I'll take her a cornflake box.
00:39:16I'll pick you up in a few minutes, honey child.
00:39:20Cornflake box?
00:39:22This seems much more nourishing.
00:39:26I do believe he thinks more of that goat
00:39:28than he does of me.
00:39:31What a weekend.
00:39:33I can just see her gorgeous figure
00:39:35in that bathing suit.
00:39:37Wow, Lee!
00:39:43Well, you're the one, all right.
00:39:46Nobody ever whistled at a goat in a bathing suit.
00:39:49Except another goat, I guess.
00:39:52Oh, there you are.
00:39:54If you're not busy, Mr. Kreeton,
00:39:56my husband would like to see you in the study.
00:39:59Oh, gladly.
00:40:01What are you laughing at, dear?
00:40:03Conrad's goat in a bathing suit.
00:40:06Oh, did he buy her a bathing suit?
00:40:08I didn't know she could swim.
00:40:17Why don't you hang a red light on that thing?
00:40:18It's a menace to navigation.
00:40:22Good morning, my boy.
00:40:23Oh, good morning, sir.
00:40:24I need your advice.
00:40:26Now, I just spoke to New York, and...
00:40:27I know.
00:40:28You spoke to George Abercrombie,
00:40:29and he's on his way here.
00:40:31He's arriving on the 11 o'clock plane.
00:40:32But how did you...
00:40:34Oh, you know what I'm thinking.
00:40:37Uh-huh.
00:40:37And right now, you're pretty worried, aren't you?
00:40:39Of course I'm worried.
00:40:41That fellow's my boss.
00:40:43Hires and fires, fires and hires all day long.
00:40:50Now, why did I do that?
00:40:51I never drank before breakfast.
00:40:54Drink what?
00:40:55What is that?
00:40:56Bourbon.
00:40:57Bourbon?
00:40:58May I try?
00:40:58I'm afraid you're a little young, my boy.
00:41:00Young?
00:41:01Here's my driver's license.
00:41:02See?
00:41:02I'm over 21.
00:41:0621 million light years?
00:41:07Yeah.
00:41:08You should have seen my birthday cake
00:41:09with all the candles.
00:41:11Burned it to a crisp.
00:41:12I'd be careful on an empty stomach.
00:41:15Oh, really?
00:41:16Well, then this should be a lot of fun.
00:41:19Mr. Delton, are you going to let him try that stuff?
00:41:22I am, indeed.
00:41:23It'll teach him a lesson.
00:41:24Give that lad enough cloud,
00:41:26and he'll hang himself.
00:41:27Good, good.
00:41:28Ty!
00:41:30Cloud!
00:41:52Wow, that sure was powerful stuff.
00:42:04Thank you very much.
00:42:09Now, now, you can talk later.
00:42:10Time for breakfast.
00:42:12Ellen and Conrad want to drive Mr. Cretan into town with them.
00:42:15Do you like your bacon crisp, Mr. Cretan?
00:42:17Yes, that'll be fine.
00:42:19Good.
00:42:20You really shouldn't be up there, you know.
00:42:21You'll get footprints all over the ceiling.
00:42:24Oh, oh, by the way,
00:42:25you can make my eggs sunny side down.
00:42:29Now that's silly.
00:42:34Now I know what they mean by being high.
00:42:36Let's have another one.
00:43:00Well, I'm beginning to understand how you do things here on Earth.
00:43:03When Conrad tickles your ear, that makes the motor go, right?
00:43:06Conrad tickling my ear has nothing to do with the motor.
00:43:10It has to do with your motor?
00:43:11You ought to try it sometime.
00:43:14Love.
00:43:15It's wonderful.
00:43:15Oh, well, we gave that up ages ago.
00:43:17It took us darn near forever to stamp out disease.
00:43:20Scarlet fever, mumps, anxiety, the common cold,
00:43:22and finally, that great killer, passion.
00:43:26You gave up passion?
00:43:28Oh, yeah.
00:43:28We don't feel anything.
00:43:29We don't do anything.
00:43:30Inside was sort of like cold spaghetti, you know?
00:43:33Sounds terribly dull.
00:43:35Uh-oh.
00:43:35Well, it is a little.
00:43:37You go right ahead, Conrad.
00:43:39Don't mind me.
00:43:41Oh, I'm sorry.
00:43:42I was watching.
00:43:53Unless we get moving pretty soon, we're going to be late.
00:44:15Cretan, you did that.
00:44:17How'd you ever do it?
00:44:18Very simple.
00:44:19I just thawed him into the air.
00:44:21The next policeman is yours.
00:44:22Oh, may I?
00:44:23Sure.
00:44:24Say, this is fun.
00:44:26Oh, it sure is.
00:44:27Ah-ha-ha.
00:44:32Is this one mine?
00:44:34Be my guest.
00:44:34Oh, no.
00:44:35What do I do?
00:44:36Well, just focus all your thoughts on that policeman.
00:44:39Ellen, please.
00:44:40Conrad, watch this.
00:44:45Nothing happened.
00:44:46That's because you're not concentrating, Ellen.
00:44:49Now, concentrate.
00:44:51Lift the cop.
00:44:53Lift the cop.
00:45:00Conrad, I did it.
00:45:01He moved.
00:45:02He really moved.
00:45:03That was wonderful, Ellen.
00:45:04Tomorrow, I'll teach you to lift buildings.
00:45:06Isn't this fun?
00:45:08Hey!
00:45:09Have you kindly stopped flirting with my girl?
00:45:12Well, I didn't mean any harm, Conrad.
00:45:15Inside, cold spaghetti, remember?
00:45:17Cold spaghetti, nothing.
00:45:18You've got a hot, chilly look in your eye.
00:45:26Now, look.
00:45:26Look.
00:45:27Here he comes.
00:45:27He'll probably wind up in jail.
00:45:29Oh, we can't do that.
00:45:30It would spoil our whole day.
00:45:32Uh, watch him.
00:45:33I'll give him an eight the easy way.
00:45:49You know you're way back home, don't you, fella?
00:45:51Well, I found my way to the earth, didn't I?
00:45:53Well, that's a lot easier than finding your way out of a turnpike.
00:45:56Oh.
00:45:57Well, thanks for the car, Conrad.
00:46:00I'll be careful.
00:46:13I'll be careful.
00:46:28These turnpikes are murder, ain't they, bud?
00:46:31Oh, they're not so bad.
00:46:32Just follow me.
00:46:51Flash, ladies and gentlemen, the most remarkable event in the history of Virginia has just occurred in Manassas.
00:46:57At exactly 9.37 a.m. at the Richmond Interchange...
00:47:01Mary had a whittle lamb.
00:47:04Its face was white as snow.
00:47:07And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.
00:47:18Hi, Clementine.
00:47:25Oh, hi, honey.
00:47:30Well, how are you?
00:47:33Now, what's this all about?
00:47:35Every day, the same old routine.
00:47:38And I'm getting pretty tired of it.
00:47:41Here he comes.
00:47:42The terror of Manassas.
00:47:47Here, here.
00:47:49Now, neighbors should be friends.
00:47:50Now, I want you two to shake hands.
00:47:52I positively refuse.
00:47:56Right in the eye.
00:47:57You call her a lady?
00:47:59Why, now, stop this bickering.
00:48:01And I'm not leaving here until you two kiss and make up.
00:48:04I won't kiss him.
00:48:06But he can kiss me.
00:48:12There, now, that wasn't so terrible, was it?
00:48:18Dames, she really loves it.
00:48:23I have been the mainstay of the network these many years, and you know it.
00:48:27Mrs. Spelding, shh.
00:48:30I've been eavesdropping.
00:48:32Roger's been in there listening to Mr. Abercrombie for almost an hour.
00:48:35I don't like that Abercrombie.
00:48:37I'm sure Roger's going to lose his job.
00:48:40Don't you worry about that, Mrs. Spelding.
00:48:42We're fraternity brothers.
00:48:44You've made a few mistakes too many, old man.
00:48:47George, if you're safe...
00:48:49I'm saying that viewer-wise, sponsor-wise, information-wise,
00:48:52you, Spelding, are low man on the totem pole.
00:48:56The flag is down, the lifeboats are gone, and the ship is sinking.
00:49:00And I'm the captain.
00:49:01But not for long.
00:49:02You're going down for the third time.
00:49:05Who's this joker?
00:49:07Cretan?
00:49:07Oh, he's a visitor here.
00:49:09Last night, about 7 o'clock,
00:49:11there we had a window wherever its waist was white as...
00:49:14Spelding, are you in your second childhood?
00:49:18Yes, sir.
00:49:19There's no other explanation.
00:49:22Abercrombie,
00:49:24I've been looking forward to meeting you for a long time.
00:49:25You've always been A1 on my ship
00:49:27ever since the lifeboat went up the totem pole.
00:49:30I beg your pardon.
00:49:31What I mean to say, man,
00:49:32is you're the talk of Madison Avenue.
00:49:34Oh, oh, well,
00:49:37aren't you exaggerating a trifle?
00:49:39Not a bit.
00:49:40How about that humdinger of a deal
00:49:42you pulled on BB, DD, DJ, J, and W, huh?
00:49:46You really gave them the old
00:49:47stab in the back, knife-wise, huh?
00:49:50I really pulled a fast one there, didn't I?
00:49:54Wait a minute.
00:49:55Nobody knew about the BB, DD, DJ, and W deal,
00:49:58not even W.
00:49:58How did you find out?
00:50:00Well, don't tell me.
00:50:01From my wife.
00:50:02No!
00:50:03Eloise?
00:50:03Shh, nobody knows about Eloise.
00:50:06Not even your wife.
00:50:08Are you sure?
00:50:09I'm sure.
00:50:09He's sure.
00:50:10Oh, good, good.
00:50:12You see, when a man has a wife like mine
00:50:15and Eloise like Eloise,
00:50:18well, he can get in an awful mess.
00:50:20Would you pardon me?
00:50:21I want to get some more ice.
00:50:22Sure.
00:50:24What's he thinking about?
00:50:25Am I going to lose my job?
00:50:26Very important to get rid of Spelding.
00:50:28I'm sunk.
00:50:30Oh, no, you're not.
00:50:31Oh, uh, Spelding,
00:50:34I suggest we let this simmer in the pot for a while.
00:50:37And, uh, about that BB, DD, DJ, and W business,
00:50:40and, uh, uh, Eloise,
00:50:43this is strictly on for new, of course.
00:50:45Oh, of course.
00:50:46I won't say a word.
00:50:47No, not as long as you still have your job, eh, Mr. Spelding?
00:50:50Oh, I get it.
00:50:51Blackmail.
00:50:52Oh, it's not bad, blackmail.
00:50:54No, I use it all the time myself.
00:50:57You've got quite a future in the advertising game, young man.
00:51:00Mm-hmm.
00:51:02Cheerio.
00:51:05Goodbye, George.
00:51:06Oh, goodbye, Reba.
00:51:07Remember me to your charming wife.
00:51:09Oh.
00:51:10Oh.
00:51:11Yes, of course.
00:51:14Ah, thanks, my boy.
00:51:16Hey, you saved my neck.
00:51:18Well, I don't like him.
00:51:19How'd everything go, dear?
00:51:20Oh, fine, just fine.
00:51:21Thanks to our young friend here.
00:51:23He really straightened old George out.
00:51:25Glad to have been of service, sir.
00:51:28Ah, what a great son-in-law he'd make.
00:51:32You mean instead of Conrad?
00:51:34I certainly do.
00:51:36Well, I don't know.
00:51:38Sputnik's for grandchildren.
00:51:40But I don't think parents should interfere.
00:51:42Mine didn't, or I wouldn't be Mrs. Roger Putnam-Spelding.
00:51:46Good idea.
00:51:46Yeah.
00:51:53Conrad.
00:51:53Hmm?
00:51:54You know what I think we ought to do tonight?
00:51:56Get married?
00:51:57No, silly.
00:51:59I think we should take Cretan to the hungry brain.
00:52:01He might enjoy it.
00:52:02Well, I wouldn't enjoy it.
00:52:04Not with him.
00:52:06You're jealous.
00:52:07I can't help it.
00:52:08Baby, don't marry me.
00:52:10Darling, I can't.
00:52:12Daddy would be furious.
00:52:14If your daddy thought he would get me out of his bedroom tonight, he'd forge the wedding license.
00:52:18Darling, I just can't marry you.
00:52:22You're sweet.
00:52:23But maybe what I really want, what I really need, is someone who'd drag me around by the hair.
00:52:34Oh, you started.
00:52:35Good.
00:52:36Oh, don't mind me.
00:52:38I won't make a sound.
00:52:39I'll just sit back here and take notes.
00:52:41You go right ahead.
00:52:42Cretan, we went all through that this morning.
00:52:45It's not polite to snoop on people.
00:52:48That's right, mister.
00:52:49Well, I didn't mean any harm.
00:52:50I'm sorry.
00:52:51Cretan, Conrad and I have decided to take you out tonight.
00:52:55You decided.
00:52:56We decided.
00:52:57No, we didn't.
00:52:58Yes, we did.
00:53:00Well, I'm not going.
00:53:01Then we'll go alone.
00:53:03Mister, I don't approve of my girl going out with strange men.
00:53:06Cretan is not strange.
00:53:08They don't come any stranger.
00:53:15Cretan, you and I are going to the Hungry Brain tonight.
00:53:19Oh, wonderful.
00:53:22What is it?
00:53:23Well, it's our favorite rendezvous, and it's out of this world.
00:53:26Out of this world?
00:53:27I'd better dress for it.
00:53:55The Hungry Brain's
00:53:58well here we are on the moon on the moon no no well on the hungry brain come on
00:54:05dear what's the matter Ellen you're trembling did I drive too fast for you
00:54:09no just said I've never crossed the river before without using the bridge
00:54:14Cretan don't you know what bridges are for yeah to shade the fish
00:54:25Mr. Mayberry thank you
00:54:33let's go man now that's out that's so out he ain't ever been in
00:55:03well real old-fashioned music I think this is going to be fun good evening
00:55:07Miss Felney good evening right this way please
00:55:36this cat must be our new leader well if he ain't let's elect him
00:55:43crazy he's a real cook hey cook
00:56:19like uh who's the new member I don't know baby but he sure looks cool
00:56:27welcomed in a space brother thank you say uh that's a real crazy looking pair of jeans you have dad
00:56:34who laid the threads on jeans threads yeah like like who's your tailor baby and where can we find
00:56:41it oh my tailor well do you know where the milky way is yeah the milky way yeah yeah the
00:56:49milky way
00:56:49go baby whale well you turn right at the second nebula and it's the third planet at the end of
00:56:55the
00:56:55star cluster you just ask for mr. de milo and tell him I sent you man this cat talks off
00:57:00the top
00:57:02he's tuned in tell me double hipness what floor do you get out of when you're split from the cloud
00:57:08oh we don't use floors you don't use floors oh no we use fog it's much softer and far easier
00:57:16to
00:57:17keep clean quite a group aren't they oh yes they are except I'm a little curious Ellen tell me one
00:57:24thing what are they animal mineral or vegetable they're people silly beatniks
00:57:32man what we're trying to find out is were you planted here or did you come in on the beam
00:57:38he wants to know where you come from perhaps you'd rather not tell oh no I don't mind I'm sure
00:57:45they
00:57:45won't say anything oh I'm sorry I come from x-47 I live right near that tailor I told you
00:57:52about
00:57:53out past the Milky Way out past the Milky Way past oh man this cat's really from out of town
00:58:01all
00:58:02right boys take five huh hey man we've been watching you from the bandstand oh really yeah you look out
00:58:18enough to make it would you dig whaling with the group oh well thank you but I'm not a musician
00:58:24although I think I would like to play those the skins skins the bongos man oh yeah the bongos yeah
00:58:32crazy let's make it
00:58:38like now let's split well if it's all the same to you I I think I'd like to play them
00:58:44from here
00:58:47you want to play those from there yeah
00:58:58you
00:59:05you
00:59:06you
00:59:06you
00:59:06you
00:59:06you
00:59:19you
00:59:49Cretan, how did you do that?
00:59:51Oh, uh, well, it's quite simple. You see, many, many different beats.
01:00:14This is a very sad story. You see, it's all about a girl who fell in love with a no
01:00:19-good ratnik.
01:00:21And it's very touching, actually.
01:00:39Cretan, how did you do that?
01:00:48Cretan, how did you do that?
01:00:49Oh, video, oh, video.
01:00:52Mop, mop!
01:00:54Oh, little kid, I dropped his head and I don't know why I want!
01:00:59Jeddle, ya boot and flop, a doo-boo-ree, ba-boo, ya soo ya, voodoo, bool, ya oo ya, foo
01:01:04ya, oo ya, coo coo coo oh coo coo!
01:01:24Mama!
01:01:27Oh, I'll be all right.
01:01:33It was a lovely number.
01:01:34Too bad she left out the best part.
01:01:37The part that she leave out.
01:01:40The part where our father who looks like...
01:01:44He didn't have no idea.
01:01:47I got it now, come on.
01:01:48I got all choked up when I...
01:01:58Mind if I borrow your man?
01:02:01No, I won't.
01:02:02Life's a drag, Daddy-o.
01:02:05Let's make it.
01:02:07Oh, thank you, but I'm with her.
01:02:09No, Daddy, you're with it.
01:02:11Oh.
01:02:16Come on, honey.
01:02:19Buzz over to my hive.
01:02:26Just watch my hand closely.
01:02:30No, you're watching too hard.
01:02:35Just cool it, man, cool it.
01:02:37Cool.
01:02:38Yeah.
01:02:43There we go.
01:02:45Crazy.
01:02:49Bye.
01:02:51Bye.
01:02:57Bye.
01:03:05The End
01:03:34The End
01:04:07The End
01:04:36The End
01:05:16Oh, Mr. Selton should see me now.
01:05:20I can, young man. I see you very well.
01:05:30Cretan, you were just wonderful.
01:05:32Oh, it wasn't anything.
01:05:34You know, sometimes you do things and you're not really aware of what's going on because you just do it.
01:05:40Ellen, what are you doing under the table?
01:05:42I've had it.
01:05:43This is ridiculous.
01:05:44Shave my beard and call me normal. Let's go.
01:05:47Oh, no, no.
01:05:48Wait, wait.
01:05:49Oh, no, no.
01:05:50I didn't.
01:05:51Don't be scared.
01:05:52Hold on your phone.
01:05:53I didn't.
01:05:53Wait a minute.
01:05:54I owe him.
01:05:55Cretan, will you come down from there?
01:05:58I'm sorry, Ellen.
01:05:59I guess Mr. Delton saw more than I figured.
01:06:10Say, what are those cars doing over there?
01:06:12That's Inspiration Point.
01:06:14Don't they have a lover's lane where you come from?
01:06:16Oh, no.
01:06:17We gave that up a long time ago.
01:06:19Along with mahjong and community singing.
01:06:22Would you like to go over and park for a while?
01:06:26Yeah.
01:06:26That might be interesting.
01:06:47It seems pretty dull to me.
01:06:50They're just sitting there, and they're not even talking.
01:06:52The reason they're not talking is because they're cuddling.
01:06:56Look at that gorgeous moon.
01:06:58Doesn't the moon mean anything to you?
01:07:00Of course.
01:07:01Last stop for gas before Mars.
01:07:04The moon, Cretan, spells romance.
01:07:08That boy and that girl, they're kissing.
01:07:11The moon did that.
01:07:13Well, now.
01:07:16Is kissing really fun?
01:07:18Why don't you try it and find out?
01:07:21That's a splendid idea.
01:07:22I'll run over and I'll ask it.
01:07:23Cretan, there's no need to make such a long trip.
01:07:26Stay here.
01:07:29I believe I will try it.
01:07:36It is sanitary, but it isn't as much fun.
01:07:39I better get rid of that old barrier.
01:07:56Oh, I like that.
01:07:58You know something?
01:07:59We're going to do that again.
01:08:01That's what he thinks.
01:08:08Tom, this will never do.
01:08:10There simply isn't any oomph.
01:08:12Oh, on the contrary.
01:08:13I felt a definite ping in my left vertebrae.
01:08:15Let's have another whirl at it.
01:08:18Right.
01:08:20Oh, boy.
01:08:22Another ping?
01:08:23And a prong and a wing-ding-dong.
01:08:32I melted it.
01:08:34I melted it.
01:08:35It's the real thing.
01:08:36I'm in love.
01:08:38Exactly as I anticipated.
01:08:40He's become an earthling.
01:08:42Oh, what a wonderful feeling, Ellen.
01:08:43He asked for it.
01:08:45And I'm afraid he's going to get it.
01:08:48Oh, ma'am.
01:08:52What was that?
01:08:54I must have blown a fuse.
01:08:57Let it go!
01:08:58Let it go!
01:09:23Ellen, do you know I...
01:09:24It's all my fault.
01:09:25I should never have let you kiss me.
01:09:27Well, Ellen, don't worry.
01:09:29I'm going to do the right thing.
01:09:31I'm going to ask your father for your hand in marriage.
01:09:34Marriage?
01:09:35For my hand in Cretan.
01:09:38Do you realize what you're saying?
01:09:40Well, of course I realize, Ellen.
01:09:43And all the time you thought I was a cad.
01:09:45Well, coming up?
01:09:46No, I think I'll go get some hot milk.
01:09:49Or some cold milk, or something.
01:09:52I'll see you in the morning, Cretan.
01:09:54Happy, Ellen?
01:09:55Well, not exactly happy. I'm more...
01:09:58More ecstatic. Yeah, me too.
01:10:00I'm floating on air.
01:10:07I heard that outer space carpetbagger.
01:10:09You're not going to marry him, are you?
01:10:11Of course not, darling.
01:10:13Darling, I just don't want to hurt his feelings.
01:10:16What about my feelings? I'm human, too.
01:10:19What do I mean, too? He's not human. Lord knows what he is.
01:10:22Well, whatever he is, Cretan is kind and sweet and nice.
01:10:27Oh, Conrad, what am I going to do?
01:10:30You're going to marry me. That's what you're going to do.
01:10:32We're going to elope.
01:10:32Oh, Conrad.
01:10:33Just as soon as I finish this sandwich.
01:10:57You know, Rags, Ellen and I are really meant for each other.
01:11:02It's really true love.
01:11:05I know Ellen and I are from different worlds, but that shouldn't be an obstacle.
01:11:09Personally, I don't believe in mixed marriages. Look at me.
01:11:12Why? You look just fine.
01:11:14Fine?
01:11:15My mother was a Mexican chihuahua, and my father a Labrador retriever.
01:11:19How'd you like to walk around with a warm nose and a cold tail?
01:11:24Oh, Rags, good night.
01:11:32Oh, that poor earthling Conrad.
01:11:35He thinks he's going to elope with Ellen.
01:11:39But I know better.
01:11:41That's what he thinks.
01:11:43And you know what's funny, Rags?
01:11:46Mr. Delton doesn't have the slightest idea about what's going on.
01:11:50That's what he thinks.
01:11:52Mr. Delton thinks that falling in love will get me into trouble.
01:11:56That's what he thinks.
01:11:58Boy, is he wrong.
01:12:00That's what he thinks.
01:12:30Good morning, dear.
01:12:32Young man's not down yet.
01:12:37Cretan! Conrad! Breakfast is ready!
01:12:40Where's Ellen?
01:12:42I don't know. She wasn't in bed when I woke up this morning.
01:12:45Neither was Conrad when I woke up.
01:12:48They both must have had early classes today.
01:13:00Oh, good morning, Mr. Spelding.
01:13:02Ah, good morning, my boy.
01:13:04Well, you're in a good mood, I see.
01:13:06Oh, never better.
01:13:07Listen to this.
01:13:08The Amalgamated Television Network today renewed Roger Putnam Spelding's contract for another five years.
01:13:16That's your work, my boy.
01:13:18I want you to know I'm deeply grateful.
01:13:20Oh, well, don't mention it.
01:13:21Uh, Dad?
01:13:23Dad?
01:13:24Uh, well, uh, Mr. Spelding?
01:13:27Yes?
01:13:28You see, there comes a time in every spaceman's life when he finally meets the girl of his clouds.
01:13:34Now, uh, you see, sir, I've put away enough gloob dingles, uh, not only to support...
01:13:38Roger! Mr. Petan, come quickly!
01:13:40This is actually, uh, the point I'm, uh, trying to make, Mr. Spelding.
01:13:44Uh, you see, Mr. Spelding...
01:13:46Oh.
01:13:48Now, what is it?
01:13:49The most wonderful thing has happened.
01:13:51What happened?
01:13:52They're married.
01:13:53Conrad and Ellen are husband and wife.
01:13:55Husband and wife?
01:13:56They did alone.
01:13:58You see, Dad, we...
01:13:59Dad?
01:13:59Mr. Spelding, we just had to get married.
01:14:01What do you mean, had to?
01:14:03Well, I...
01:14:03Well, I mean, we couldn't wait another minute now with him around, so we eloped.
01:14:07Eloped?
01:14:07You, you, you goat herder, you...
01:14:10Ellen!
01:14:10Please!
01:14:11Don't know why you think...
01:14:12Don't get upset, Mr. Spelding.
01:14:14I guess the best man won.
01:14:16Now, wait a minute, Tom.
01:14:17Excuse me, dear.
01:14:18I don't believe the children have had breakfast.
01:14:20Conrad, you will stay.
01:14:22I'll be happy to.
01:14:23Uh, congratulations, old man.
01:14:26I hope we can still be friends.
01:14:29You mean you don't feel that way about Ellen?
01:14:31Oh, she's like a sister to me.
01:14:34A sister, eh, Cretan?
01:14:36Well, I'll just show them how you really feel about her.
01:14:39Oh, he is.
01:14:43Ellen, oh, Ellen, you babe with that crazy build.
01:14:47I've been watching you shake it around this house.
01:14:51And you've been watching me watching you.
01:14:53And it's driving me mad.
01:14:58Wow!
01:14:59Cretan, what are you saying?
01:15:01I don't know!
01:15:02Someone unzip my mind!
01:15:03Mr. Delton, please.
01:15:04We don't need words, honey.
01:15:06Not you and me.
01:15:07The first time I saw you, bells rang.
01:15:10The earth moved.
01:15:11It was like there was nobody else in the world.
01:15:16Just you and me and the black burning night exploding like a thousand Roman cows.
01:15:21I propose, mister, that you discontinue this line of thought at once.
01:15:26No.
01:15:27No, it's fascinating, really.
01:15:29Oh, but Ellen, I didn't mean a word of it.
01:15:32That is, I meant it, but...
01:15:34What?
01:15:34No, I didn't mean to say it.
01:15:36You see, actually, Ellen, I...
01:15:38And your hungry eyes begging me, imploring me, and pleading with me to take you in my powerful arms.
01:15:44Whoa!
01:15:47Ellen, look, actually, this is a whole...
01:15:48Mister, the woman you love happens to be my wife!
01:15:51Oh, Conrad, please.
01:15:53Wait, just easy, honey.
01:15:54Barrier, nothing?
01:15:56Conrad?
01:15:58Go ahead.
01:16:13Conrad!
01:16:13Conrad!
01:16:14Get up!
01:16:18Let him have it, Cretan!
01:16:23Bop him one!
01:16:24There will be no bopping.
01:16:28Stand still.
01:16:30It's stuck.
01:16:31Mr. Delton, please, it won't hit.
01:16:33Mine won't hit.
01:16:34Hit me!
01:16:35Mine don't hit.
01:16:36Conrad, stop it!
01:16:36Mine don't hit!
01:16:40What's the money, you coward?
01:16:42That's it, yeah.
01:16:43Fight!
01:16:44Come on, straight fight.
01:16:45Daddy, do something!
01:16:46It won't hit.
01:16:46This don't hit.
01:16:48It don't hit.
01:16:50I'd fight if I...
01:16:51Conrad, now, please!
01:16:52He started it!
01:16:53Wait, wait, don't hit!
01:16:55He's a guest!
01:17:04What's going on?
01:17:05What's going on?
01:17:05What's happening in here?
01:17:06What are you all standing around for?
01:17:08What are you so excited about?
01:17:09What's...
01:17:10What's he doing down there?
01:17:11I'm hanging up the phone.
01:17:14I hit him.
01:17:15You...
01:17:15You hit him and...
01:17:16You aren't disintegrated?
01:17:18I can't understand it.
01:17:18The boy's lost his power.
01:17:20Lost his power?
01:17:21Then I'm safe.
01:17:22I can do my duty.
01:17:23Oh, this is a day.
01:17:25Haven't you time for a cup of coffee, Bob?
01:17:27No, no, not now.
01:17:28Keep him calling it, Conrad.
01:17:29I'll get the state police right away.
01:17:31The National Guard!
01:17:32The commanding general of the area!
01:17:35Excuse me!
01:17:37Take it easy, boy.
01:17:38Take it easy.
01:17:38We'll get you up.
01:17:39We'll get you up out of there.
01:17:40Now, come on.
01:17:41Take it.
01:17:41There we go.
01:17:42There.
01:17:43There, there, there.
01:17:44I said if you got up, I'd hit him again.
01:17:46Oh, now, look.
01:17:47Let me at him.
01:17:47Now, they don't call me the manassas smaller for nothing.
01:17:50Shut up!
01:17:51Well, I didn't mean I know...
01:17:52Are you all right?
01:17:53Oh, yes, I'm fine.
01:17:55Just wet.
01:17:56You see, where I come from, we don't feel pain.
01:17:58Oh, we feel wet.
01:18:00You'll feel wet water, but you don't feel pain.
01:18:03Like, for instance...
01:18:03That's what he thinks.
01:18:05You see, I didn't even feel the slightest twinge of...
01:18:09PINE!
01:18:10What's the matter?
01:18:10Oh, and on!
01:18:11What's going on?
01:18:11Mr. Dalton!
01:18:12Oh, and on!
01:18:13You wanted to be an earthling, my boy.
01:18:14So take everything that goes with it.
01:18:16Oh, the leg.
01:18:17Just kick the leg.
01:18:18There's a pain.
01:18:19Oh, the back is a pain.
01:18:20Oh, this head.
01:18:21There's a stomach.
01:18:22Oh, the foot is a pain.
01:18:24Oh, no more pain!
01:18:26Where are you?
01:18:27Murderers using the phone.
01:18:28I've got to use your...
01:18:29Where are you?
01:18:30Afterers!
01:18:30Don't let him get away!
01:18:32He's going to kill me.
01:18:34Well...
01:18:35Ah!
01:18:39Come back and fight like a man!
01:18:41You fight your way!
01:18:42I'll fight mine!
01:18:51Come on, I'll come out!
01:18:52Come on out and fight!
01:18:54I won't come out, I won't fight!
01:18:56Come on, I'll come out, you coward!
01:18:58That's why I won't come out!
01:18:59I'm a coward, that's it!
01:19:06A spaceman, General.
01:19:08S-P-A-S-E.
01:19:09I mean, C.
01:19:11Yes, the state police are on the way now, sir.
01:19:13Oh, good, good.
01:19:14Hope you can make it, sir.
01:19:17Where's the gun?
01:19:18Oh, Conrad.
01:19:19There's a gun.
01:19:20Conrad!
01:19:21Deserting your post of duty?
01:19:23I need this in case he tries to break out.
01:19:25Oh, give me that.
01:19:26It's just a conversation piece, anyway.
01:19:30Sure talks loud, don't it?
01:19:34Oh, the police!
01:19:35Excuse me, I better go make sandwiches and coffee.
01:19:38Well, come on, there's nothing to be afraid of.
01:19:40Let's get out there.
01:19:41Come on.
01:19:43Well, after you, folks.
01:19:44After you.
01:19:45I'll stay in back so I can plan.
01:19:46I'll spread it to you.
01:20:03Watch him!
01:20:04Watch him!
01:20:04He's in there!
01:20:05Watch him!
01:20:06He's in there, man!
01:20:07He's in there!
01:20:08He's...
01:20:09He's in there!
01:20:11Careful now.
01:20:12Maybe danger.
01:20:23He's just propelled.
01:20:27No, he ain't.
01:20:27It's Myrtle.
01:20:28Myrtle did it!
01:20:29Myrtle, you come back here!
01:20:30Whoa!
01:20:45All right, out of here.
01:20:48Out of here.
01:20:49You might get hurt.
01:20:52I am hurt.
01:20:54All right, men.
01:20:55Clear the fire.
01:20:55Come on, Jim's room here.
01:20:56Let's go.
01:20:58Loudspeaker.
01:21:03All right, mister.
01:21:04We've got you covered.
01:21:05I said we've got you covered.
01:21:07Pardon me, please.
01:21:08We certainly...
01:21:10Myrtle!
01:21:11Here, Myrtle!
01:21:13Well, where'd you go to now?
01:21:14You come to Papa, you hear?
01:21:15Give me that!
01:21:18You haven't got a chance.
01:21:20Come out with your hands over your head.
01:21:23I said come out with your hands over your head.
01:21:27Sorry I took so long, dear.
01:21:28Reba!
01:21:29Ellen!
01:21:30No, thank you, Mother.
01:21:31Come out with your hands over your head.
01:21:33Officer, egg salad or tuna fish sandwiches?
01:21:35Oh, please, ma'am.
01:21:37Not now!
01:21:38Comrade?
01:21:39We mean business.
01:21:41If you don't come out, we'll have to use the tear gas.
01:21:44Tear gas?
01:21:45That's a good idea.
01:21:47Pardon me.
01:22:00Please!
01:22:00Go, John!
01:22:01Go, John!
01:22:01I love you, boys!
01:22:02And watch them!
01:22:03Keep your eyes on them!
01:22:04What?
01:22:17The wind must have changed.
01:22:18It's backwatering.
01:22:20What?
01:22:21What?
01:22:21What?
01:22:22Backwatering.
01:22:23Put the wind into the car.
01:22:24Hold up the windows.
01:22:26Go, John.
01:22:26Go, John.
01:22:27Go, John.
01:22:30Go, John.
01:22:32Go, John.
01:22:33Go, John.
01:22:34Go, John.
01:22:35Go, John.
01:22:35Go, John.
01:22:42I can still fly.
01:22:44I can still fly.
01:22:46I can still fly.
01:22:51Come down out of that barn, mister.
01:22:54I am out.
01:22:56Why?
01:23:08Oh, come on.
01:23:10I'm going in.
01:23:12The general doesn't want us to rush the place until he gets here.
01:23:15He's on the way with a life photographer.
01:23:22You naughty spaceship.
01:23:24You shouldn't go away without me.
01:23:26Wait a minute.
01:23:27Wait a minute.
01:23:28Here, slow down.
01:23:29Slow down.
01:23:29You're going to get me.
01:23:30Oh, whoa.
01:23:33Whoa.
01:23:39Oh, I'm sorry.
01:23:41Hello, Mr. Delton.
01:23:42It's your ship.
01:23:44I've had enough, young man.
01:23:45Oh, yes, indeed.
01:23:46Yes, sir.
01:23:46I've had it.
01:23:47Well, you always wanted to be an Earthling, and now you know what it's like.
01:23:50You felt the pain of love, the pain of jealousy.
01:23:53And the pain of pain, and that's the worst pain.
01:23:55This is a crazy mixed-up planet, Mr. Delton.
01:23:57I'd like to get out of here.
01:23:58And you'll never come back again?
01:24:00Never.
01:24:00I promise.
01:24:01The furthest I'll ever go is to the moon.
01:24:03Oh, you've learnt a good lesson, my boy.
01:24:05Remember, the grass is always greener on the other side of the universe.
01:24:09So keep your nose out of other people's planets.
01:24:12And from now on, I will.
01:24:14Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Delton.
01:24:18I hit my place on that.
01:24:31Mr. Mayberry?
01:24:32Sir.
01:24:33Where's that spaceman?
01:24:35Heep!
01:24:36Spaceman, General?
01:24:38There ain't no such animal.
01:24:45So long, Earth.
01:24:47It's been lots of...
01:24:49Oh, Mr. Delton!
01:24:52Help!
01:24:52Oh, Mr. Delton!
01:24:54Now, Mr. Delton, help!
01:24:59Help!
01:25:00Mr. Delton!
01:25:03Help!
01:25:07Mr. Delton!
01:25:15Mr. Delton!
01:25:16Mr. Delton!
01:25:19Thank you, Mr. Delton.
01:25:23Peace.
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