- 2 hours ago
Smoggie Queens - Season 2 Episode 6 -
A Smoggie Show
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A Smoggie Show
tele: https://t.me/TopFilmUSA1
#film#shows#usa#usashows#hot#filmhot
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FunTranscript
00:06Life's too short. You've got to follow your dreams now, or it might be too late.
00:15What are you doing?
00:18Lucinda, would you do me the greatest honor of being my wife?
00:31Well, what did you say?
00:33I was like, no fucking way, Neil. I've known you for less than a year, you freak.
00:37Can you be quiet please, Lucinda? I need you to focus. My drag show is in four hours and you're
00:43not going to know what to do in the show if you keep chatting.
00:46Ma'am, are you all good with the sound cues? About that, I'm not going to be able to make
00:50the show, Dickie.
00:51What could you possibly be doing that's more important than my show? It's that flipping speed camera. They're making me
00:56do a speed awareness course and it clashes.
00:57What the hell am I going to do for a techie?
00:59Here, let me text Mel. She's good with lesbian stuff like that.
01:04And what about the end of the show? You're meant to be lifting me up for my big show-stopping
01:07finale number.
01:08Why don't Sal, Lucinda and me lift you up together? I went to the gym last Tuesday.
01:14Don't be so ridiculous, Stuart. Your pathetic withery arms will never be able to lift me above your head.
01:18You need to calm down, hon. You're not performing at the Palladium, for God's sake.
01:21Well, I never will if I adopt your lazy attitude, Lucinda.
01:23Fear not, Dickie Chicky. The course only lasts an hour, so I shall be able to shoot back and make
01:28the end of the show.
01:30Why are you getting so aggy about it, Dickster? It's just a show.
01:33It's not just a show, Sal, you silly knobhead.
01:37Besides, I've emailed a few talent agents and invited them along, so it needs to go well.
01:42Ooh, that's exciting. Have any replied?
01:45Well, you could say that. What does that mean?
01:50Well, I've had a few out-of-office supplies.
01:54Right, let's go again from the top, please. Come on. First positions, everyone.
02:02When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel.
02:15What's it looking like out there, Sal?
02:17It's filling up, babe. Think you'll have a good crowd.
02:19Hey, can you see any agents?
02:21It's hard to tell.
02:22Is Mel here yet?
02:23Yeah, she's setting up your sound desk out front.
02:25She better not fuck this up for me, Sal.
02:27I'll pass on the message that you really appreciate the time.
02:30Oh, by the way, Lucinda, I've asked Neil to come and help out today. Hope you don't mind.
02:34You could have told me first, Dickie. I'm still not talking to him.
02:37I'm sure you'll caught, babe.
02:38Yeah, bloody miss acting in the theatre.
02:41I didn't know you used to be an actor, ma'am.
02:43Yes, chick. Chekhov, Pinter, Zoopla. I've done the lot. Monologues coming out my arse.
02:49I'd love to hear one of your monologues. Can you remember any?
02:52Oh, it's been such a long time.
02:55Oh, no worries. That makes sense.
02:56June 15th, 1856.
03:03Wilbur went to gather eggs in the barn.
03:06And when he walked back in, he was crying.
03:11I said, what on God's green earth does that matter, Wilbur?
03:16He pointed at the window. I looked out. It was raining. Raining for the first time in 15 years.
03:31Wilbur was crying with joy at the fact that crops could finally have a chance for life.
03:41Oh, wow. Beautiful performance.
03:43Wow, ma'am. Permitting.
03:44Second, absolutely exceptional.
03:45Oh, friggin' hell. Better get going. I've got to put this friggin' speed awareness course.
03:49Promise me you'll be back in time for the finale. You've got to lift me up, remember?
03:52Course, chick. Ta-ra! Ta-ra, ma'am.
03:54See you later, sir.
03:57Aye, you dickie. Listen, thanks so much for stepping in last minute.
04:00Oh, absolutely no props, babes.
04:02Luckily, I had a small window in my schedule.
04:06Yeah, bloody Cliff Richard impersonator cancelled on us.
04:09Anyway, I think they're all in now, so whenever you're ready.
04:12I'm ready.
04:13I'm ready.
04:14Eh? You said that was some determination.
04:18I'm ready.
04:20Ladies and gentlemen, and all those in between, please put your hands together for Dickie.
04:39Yes, it's me. Dickie. And I'm finally getting married. And not just to anyone. I'm getting married to a duke.
04:52I'm getting married. I'm getting married to a duke. To who? To a duke. Oh.
05:03Oh, and look, my bridesmaids are here. And they're telling me how beautiful I look.
05:09You look beautiful. Very nice, yeah.
05:11They won't upstage me though, because they're disgusting.
05:14I'm getting married. I'm getting married. To a duke. To who? To a duke. Oh.
05:26He'll bring me flowers in the morning. He'll kiss my cheek without pre-warning. And then we'll fuck.
05:35Oh. We will dance in the rain. He'll make me feel insane.
05:49I'm getting married. I'm getting married. To a duke.
06:05Sorry, chick. Am I in the right place for the Speed Awareness course?
06:08Yeah, all right. Take a seat.
06:10Hey, what are you doing here? Well...
06:12Don't give a shit.
06:16Right. Away then. Settle down.
06:20Welcome to the Speed Awareness course. My name's Vanessa Yarrison. Over the next couple of hours, I will be attempting
06:25to help you all pass the course.
06:27Fairly to pass means you'll have your driving licence taken off you.
06:31And if you've brought a vehicle with you here today, I will be clamping the fucking thing.
06:35So, you better pass.
06:38Er, sorry, chick. Did you just say the next couple of hours? I thought this course was supposed to be
06:4360 minutes.
06:44Well, it would be 60 minutes if you were to speed through at 90 miles per hour.
06:49But I think you'll find I'm more of a 30 mile an hour kind of bitch.
06:53Right, first things first. To any of you's own a Toyota Yaris.
06:59Er, yeah, I used to have one, but I sold it last year.
07:03Why on earth would you do that?
07:07I'm sorry I'm late. I was so scared to get caught speeding again that I ended up driving 10 mile
07:11an hour the whole way here.
07:13Whoa, whoa, whoa!
07:14Where do you think you're off to?
07:16Er, something's come up.
07:19Well, FYI, it's an automatic fail if you leave.
07:22And that means no more driving for you for the next year.
07:31It's all so.
07:35Let me take you back to chapter one, my childhood.
07:50When I was young, I was a skinny porpa boy living on the streets of Middlesbrough.
07:56And my best friend was a small, weird rat.
08:07Oh, ratty, I love hanging around with you.
08:10Because no matter how much of a dirty street boy I am, I know that I could never be as
08:14repulsive as you.
08:16You all right, Dickie? I'm a grotesque, ugly rat who shits himself on an hourly basis.
08:23Hey, I've got an idea. Let's be blood brothers.
08:29Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
08:33And then we drank each other's blood and I got a horrendous rat disease.
08:41Just don't get why it's always at least half an hour later.
08:44Why are you so desperate to see that weirdo shit show anyway?
08:47Because I'm trying to develop a friendship with him.
08:50Plus, he mentioned he's got an actor playing me in the show and I want to see who he's got.
08:55There it is. The truth comes out. It's actually all about you.
08:58Oh, come on. Let's just go in.
09:00I couldn't think of anything worse than watching that absolute loser show.
09:04In an old folks home, babe.
09:05Yeah, go on. I'll wait in the car.
09:07Well, suit yourself.
09:13Oh, my God. I'm absolutely buzzing.
09:15They can't go in love for me out there.
09:17Did you see that guy in the front row? He was proper dancing along.
09:19He was actually having a seizure, Dickie.
09:21You had to wheel him out.
09:23Did anyone see any agents?
09:25I was trying to have a look but it's hard when you're in the zone.
09:28Do you know what I mean?
09:29Maybe. I was also in the zone so I didn't really notice.
09:32I suppose there was people there that could have been agents when they were younger.
09:35Yeah.
09:35You know, it's true what they say, isn't it?
09:37What?
09:38There really is no business like show business.
09:41Oi!
09:43How long are you lot going to be in here?
09:46I can't hear myself. Think.
09:49Hiya, Dickie.
09:50Oh, thank Christ you're here, Gary.
09:51Did you get the script I sent you?
09:52I did, yeah.
09:53I was hoping there'd be time for us to sit down together.
09:56Possibly go through a few changes.
09:58Afraid not, babes.
09:59I don't know why you'd want to change anything anyway.
10:01It's the story of my life.
10:02It's just a few things my character says that I don't really agree with.
10:05You've got to hold yourself, Gary. It's called acting.
10:09Sorry, Dickie.
10:10I was under the impression it was just going to be like a 20-minute drag show, not an autobiographical
10:15musical.
10:16And the residents are due their afternoon cheese and crackers.
10:19So if you could just speed things up a bit, kid, I'd really appreciate that.
10:23Oh.
10:25Did you hear that?
10:27They're gagging for me to get back on stage.
10:29Right, come on then, you lot.
10:30The show must go on.
10:33Wanna watch the show, Beryl?
10:34No.
10:35Not for me.
10:37I can't stand drag queens.
10:40Fruity twats.
10:42Fair enough, babe.
10:46Brum, brum!
10:49This is the steering wheel of truth.
10:52And when you're holding it, I want the honest truth from all of yous about why you chose to speed.
11:03OK, erm, well, my name is Paula.
11:07I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.
11:10Oh, and where did you need to be so urgently?
11:12No, no, I just hadn't realised it was a 20.
11:15You see, I've just moved back to the area and when I lived here before it was 30.
11:18I don't need your entire life story, Lewis Hamilton.
11:22Pass the steering wheel of truth on, please.
11:27My name is Mum.
11:28And what is your truth, Mum?
11:32I don't think you can handle my truth.
11:36Oh, I think I'll be OK.
11:38All right.
11:39The truth is I have struggled every day for the past 15 years because the mother of my child decided
11:44to take my son away from me!
11:47Right.
11:48And what speed were you doing?
11:50Well, my truth is that the husband I loved had been lying to me about who he was for our
11:55entire marriage.
11:57May I remind the group how extremely difficult it was to come out back then?
12:02All I wanted was acceptance and all I got was rejection!
12:05I'd like to remind the group that rejection comes in many forms and being suddenly told that your husband of
12:11ten years has never actually found you sexually attractive can feel pretty damn rejecting.
12:23Oh!
12:23Oh!
12:24Fucking hell!
12:24What the fuck was that?!
12:25It's called hazard perception, mate.
12:28Today, it was just a ball.
12:30Tomorrow, could be a child.
12:37Chapter five.
12:39Coming out.
12:41You know, guys, not a lot of people know this about me because I'm such a confident, horny guy, but
12:46coming out to my family was hard.
12:49There was one family member in particular who just couldn't deal with my homosexuality.
12:54Uncle Gary.
12:59I loved Uncle Gary, but he hated the gays.
13:03One day I thought, you know what, fuck it.
13:05I'm gonna come out to him.
13:10Hey, Uncle Gary.
13:12Hello, Dickie.
13:17I hate all homosexuals.
13:21And on another note, I was just in the area and thought I'd pop in and see if you fancied
13:26coming to watch a game at the pub this weekend.
13:28What do you mean by game? Croquet?
13:31Nah, mate. The footy.
13:34Oh, that.
13:36I guess I'll think about it.
13:38Anyway, I gotta tell you something.
13:41I'm gay!
13:43Right.
13:44Well, in that case, I don't want anything to do with you.
13:48You...
13:50Massive Willy Wooster!
13:56So there I was.
13:58Cast out by my uncle.
14:00Hoist by my own petard.
14:03What was a young, virile homosexual to do?
14:06But then suddenly I had a brainwave.
14:09I had to go straight.
14:10God, if I was straight, maybe, maybe Uncle Gary would finally accept me.
14:28I'd prefer it if we didn't talk.
14:30Right.
14:31No problem.
14:34I don't even know what you want from me.
14:36I thought you didn't want to talk.
14:37I don't.
14:40Don't get why you're here.
14:43I got caught doing a 30 in a 20 zone.
14:47Not here.
14:48Here.
14:50Look.
14:51I just needed to tell you that I'm sorry.
14:54And what is it you're specifically sorry for?
14:58Forcing all my friends to disown me?
15:00Or the fact you call me a disgusting pervert right in the middle of Sainsbury's?
15:04Or simply the fact you took my son away and moved to bury St fucking Edmunds?
15:07I didn't know how to cope with it.
15:09I mean, I'd never met a gay person before.
15:12You met Dale Winton at the stage door of his panto.
15:14It wasn't easy for me either.
15:16I loved you and you'd been lying to me.
15:18Oh, it wasn't as simple as that.
15:19Really?
15:28It...
15:33I...
15:37It was a weird time.
15:41I didn't know who I was.
15:42I didn't even know what I was.
15:45And so, yes, I...
15:47I lied about certain things and for that, I'm sorry.
15:55But one thing I didn't lie about was the love I had for you.
16:01I friggin' loved you, Paula.
16:04And I loved...
16:07I still love our son.
16:09I never wanted Ed to be without his dad.
16:11I was just trying to protect him.
16:13Protect him from what?
16:14The scary big wig, the evil eyeliner, the terrifying tits?
16:18The swan from the bullies at his school who tormented him when they found out about you.
16:25He was bullied?
16:26You didn't know that, did you?
16:31I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.
16:34For Ed and for me.
16:36But I wasn't.
16:37It was wrong.
16:39And I'm really, really sorry.
16:46How do I do it, you guys?
16:52I can't be straight.
16:54I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy.
16:59I'm a gut-wrenching little gay boy.
17:03Mel!
17:04That's your cue!
17:09How do I become the man Uncle Gary wants me to be?
17:16How do I do it?
17:19What do I do to do it?
17:23Come on, Dickie!
17:24You've been in the closet before!
17:26It's time to climb back in!
17:29If I want to become straight, I'm going to have to start dressing like these straight guys.
17:35But what sort of things do they wear?
17:39Wait!
17:40I got it!
17:42Boot-cut jeans!
17:45I remember boot-cut jeans!
17:50How are you guys?
17:52Well, I think I got the heterosexual attire right.
17:56What sort of things do these straight guys say?
18:00Come on, Dickie!
18:02Think!
18:03Wait!
18:05I've got it!
18:07She's fit!
18:09That lass over there is fit!
18:14I like her bum and her boobs and her mascara.
18:21Guys, I don't want to jinx it, but...
18:25I think I'm straight!
18:27Black up your daughters.
18:30I'm coming for your daughters.
18:35Give me your daughters!
18:46Give me your daughters!
18:47Right, it's the interval now, so...
18:50Quick, get this jacket on me cell.
18:52I've had to get Stuart to do his shit-tap routine, and he's probably sucking the energy out the room.
19:03Where the hell's Neil?
19:05Oh, thank Christ.
19:06It's not time to call this Neil.
19:07Sorry, Dickie.
19:08Weirdly, a couple of cats started attacking me on the way here.
19:11One of them took my shoe.
19:14I haven't got time for your excuses, Neil!
19:16Here.
19:17This is the script.
19:18You're playing the role of Harrison.
19:20I've got a couple of scenes to do beforehand, so familiarise yourself with it, please.
19:24Thal, I need you to get hold of Mum and find out how long she's going to be.
19:27Aye, aye, Captain.
19:29Remember, Neil.
19:31Don't be shit!
19:33Good lord.
19:35Right.
19:36Do you want the good news or the bad news?
19:39Bad news is, I've got to start this.
19:42Again.
19:43And the good news is, it's the end of the course and you've all passed.
19:46Fucking get in!
19:48Except for you.
19:50What?
19:51By me?
19:51Only people who appreciate what a solid hatchback can do should be allowed to drive.
19:55You sold your, Yaris.
19:57Clearly you're not right in the fucking head.
20:01Laters!
20:04Hey, you fucking moron.
20:06Hey, you fucking moron.
20:08Hey, you fucking moron!
20:18I heard you might be about.
20:20Lucinda, I'm so glad to see you.
20:22I've got something to show you.
20:24What is it, Neil?
20:25Another tattoo of some other girl's name?
20:27Well...
20:28Are you kidding me?
20:29Oh no, look!
20:33Coriander?
20:34No, it's meant to say Lucinda.
20:38I suppose I can sort of see that.
20:47Well, are you going to kiss or not?
20:50Chapter 17.
20:53Heartbreak.
20:54I guess you're all wondering who it was that broke my heart.
20:58Well, his name was Harrison.
21:11Everyone used to say that Harrison was punching above his weight with me.
21:15Which...
21:15I thought was cruel.
21:18Albeit true.
21:20Hello, Harrison, my love.
21:21Oh, hi!
21:22You fucking moron!
21:24I know I said I loved you when you were the fittest person that I've ever seen.
21:28But I'm dropping you like a SACK OF SHIT!
21:31No!
21:32Don't do this!
21:33Think about the life we built together!
21:36Get to fuck.
21:40I'm sick of being the ugly one in this relationship.
21:43I can't help my beauty!
21:46Yeah!
21:46That's not how it happened!
21:51I've literally just come out, Salchick.
21:54I'm sprinting all the way now.
21:56Okay.
21:56See you in a bit.
21:57The absolute bellend!
22:00Need a lift?
22:04No, I'll manage, thanks.
22:09Hi, chick.
22:11Where the hell are you?
22:12We're nearly at the finale.
22:13I've had to put Stuart back on to fill time.
22:15We need your strong arms for the ending.
22:18Mam?
22:19Mam?
22:25I'm not one to judge, babe, but you have missed a couple of my cues.
22:29I'm trying my hardest, mate, but your cue sheet isn't the easiest thing to follow.
22:33Excuse is excuses.
22:41I see the way your drive hasn't changed after all these years.
22:51Listen, before you shoot off, I wanted to give you something.
23:02He's a proper adult now and everything.
23:08Thanks for the lift.
23:12I know those are my earrings, by the way.
23:15Fine to keep them.
23:21Ooh.
23:25My wedding to the Duke is finally here.
23:29But who is the Duke?
23:30I hear you all cry.
23:34Oh, here he is now.
23:38Who is the Duke?
23:41The Duke is me.
23:44Because the person I've grown to love is myself.
23:57That's right, boys.
23:59Dickie's back.
24:01Dickie never even left.
24:03Hey, you guys.
24:05You want to know a secret?
24:07Yeah.
24:08Yeah.
24:08I had an epiphany today.
24:11What was your epiphany, Dickie?
24:13You really want to know my epiphany?
24:16Yeah.
24:16Yeah.
24:17Cooey!
24:19Oh.
24:20It's you.
24:21All right, Arabella.
24:22What are you doing, Ian?
24:23Oh, just picking up Mel.
24:25We've got a hot date tonight.
24:27Right.
24:33Probably going to be a real steamy sesh tonight if you catch my drift.
24:40That's great to hear, babe.
24:43Okay, I'll tell you.
24:44My epiphany was that I don't need no man.
24:49You want to know why?
24:50Because I'm in love with myself.
24:58You know, I wasn't sure how to tell you this, but Mel isn't into weird, moral creatures,
25:05so I'd give up now if I were you.
25:07Are you taking the piss?
25:09No, babe.
25:10I'm not taking the piss.
25:13Read my lips.
25:15She's not going to fuck you.
25:21Howie then, dickhead!
25:22Let's go!
25:23Come here!
25:24Get you filthy hands off me!
25:26Stop, Maiden Chelsea!
25:27Cow!
25:28Lift me higher, boys!
25:32Higher for fuck's sake!
25:33We're trying!
25:35You're too heavy!
25:36I'm trying to say, Lucinda!
25:38Let the whole world see that I don't need a man,
25:42cause I got me!
25:45I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love!
25:49You stupid ladies!
25:50You stupid ladies!
25:51I'm in love with myself!
25:57Fuckin' hell!
26:00She is a fucking liability.
26:02I'm not joking, babe.
26:03The sooner we leave this shithole town, the better.
26:22What a show!
26:24Yeah, listen, I was wondering if you had representation.
26:28That was the whole point of today, but nobody showed up.
26:31Ah, the name's Shingles.
26:34Barry Shingles, from Shingles Associates.
26:38I'd like to buy you a coffee and have a chat about representing you.
26:42No way!
26:43Barry, come on.
26:45You're overdue your meds.
26:46Bobby, he's got a business card and everything!
26:48It's a cheese slice, mate.
26:52The name's Shingles.
26:54Barry Shingles, from Shingles Associates.
26:57Barry, that's the water cooler, mate.
27:00No, no.
27:00He's the next big thing, I tell you.
27:04Well done, Diggy.
27:07It was...
27:09Well, it was different.
27:11Cheers, Beth.
27:15Here, what are you doing now?
27:17Can I buy you a quick drink at the pub across the road to say congrats?
27:21I suppose I could have half a sherry.
27:24What are you still doing in here?
27:25We finished ages ago.
27:28Howie?
27:29Actually, I'm going to get Diggy a quick drink at the pub.
27:34No, you're not.
27:36Er...
27:37Yeah, I am.
27:40Fuck this!
27:50Hey, congrats on your tap protein today, hun. They bloody loved it. You practically stole the show.
27:56Lucinda? What's that right here?
28:00What's that, ma'am?
28:02It's a photo of Ed.
28:03Who the fuck's Ed?
28:05It's my son.
28:06It's all grown up.
28:08It's given to me by Paula.
28:13Let's see, ma'am.
28:14Let us see, ma'am.
28:16Oh, ma'am.
28:18Aw.
28:20No.
28:20Aw.
28:21Hm.
28:25My God, he's fit as fuck him like.
28:28Aw.
28:29Mm.
28:29Aw.
28:35Aw.
28:38Aw.
28:40Aw.
28:42Aw.
28:43Aw.
28:44Aw.
28:45Aw.
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