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00:00Nipple Aid, a charity football match.
00:03Semi-professionals versus celebrities.
00:05The celebrities include Cher, Prince Harry, Liza Minnelli, Elton John and Stevie Wonder.
00:11They're lookalikes.
00:13Be there.
00:15When I grow up, I'ma be a supermodel.
00:27Oh, I love the right stench of a football ground.
00:32Sniff it in.
00:35Smells a bit funky, ma'am.
00:37Oh, beautiful, isn't it?
00:39Reminds me of my days managing in the big leagues.
00:42Oh, God, I miss it.
00:43You're managing a team today, though.
00:45I know, chick, but managing celebrity lookalikes in a charity match.
00:49It's hardly the Riverside Stadium.
00:52Oh, dear.
00:53We're number one and we're the team.
00:56The greatest thing you've ever seen.
01:00What the bloody hell have you two come as?
01:03I'm glad you've asked, ma'am, as it's a fascinating story.
01:07So remember when we all went to Yarn Fair last year?
01:10Oh, yeah.
01:10Well, me and Lucinda popped and got our fortunes read.
01:13Yeah, and she told us both separately
01:15that we were going to marry a footballer and become wags.
01:17Hey, it was a Gypsy Rose Pam.
01:19Oh, my God, yeah.
01:20I love that bitch.
01:22She actually told me the same thing.
01:24Hey, no way.
01:25I can't believe there's going to be three wags in our friendship group.
01:28Have you maybe thought that she tells the same shit to everyone?
01:31Gypsy Rose Pam wouldn't do that.
01:33Anyway, as you know, we don't frequent football matches very much,
01:38so there's a very good chance this is the day we meet our footballer husbands.
01:43So we thought, best dress for the occasion.
01:46Yeah, and this outfit is also very good for my signature picking up lads move.
01:51Oh, yeah.
01:52What move is that?
01:53I'll show you.
01:55You place the brick near the lad you fancy.
02:00And then...
02:05Ouchie.
02:06Who put that brick there?
02:08And then the lad will help you roll
02:11and start a conversation about the brick.
02:15Oh, Stuart's here.
02:17Hello, you all right?
02:18Oh, he's looking a bit better than usual.
02:20Has he had a bit of Botox?
02:23What's with the stomach-churning costume, Stu?
02:26Well, I'm...
02:28Ozzy the Octopus.
02:30Oh, he's the mascot for the charity match.
02:33I pulled a few strings to get him in.
02:35It's something I've always wanted to do.
02:37I'm proper buzzing.
02:40Now then, Mum.
02:42Oh, orange chick.
02:44Mwah, mwah.
02:45Maybe it's true
02:48You're the one that I've been here
02:50waiting for
02:51Cause you know it better is to...
02:55So good to see you.
02:56Oh, you too.
02:57Am I going to see you in the play sounds later, yeah?
02:58Absolutely, chick.
02:59That's in a bit.
03:00Yeah, in a bit.
03:01What's that, Brickle, yeah?
03:04Erm, who was that man?
03:06That was Owen Shennington.
03:08Oh, he's a very talented player.
03:10Very sturdy thighs.
03:12Adam's Apple out to here.
03:13He's playing for the semi-pros today.
03:15Oh, God.
03:16Gipsy Rose Pam was right.
03:18It was love at first sight.
03:22Dickie Shennington.
03:23He's got a ring to it.
03:25Erm, this is a bit awkward, hon, but I think that one was for me.
03:29Oh, what?
03:31Erm, sorry, I think you're mistaken Lucinda.
03:34Because he was very much looking at me.
03:37I want a bet.
03:38Yeah, I do, actually.
03:40Tennis says he's the love of my life.
03:42Make it 20.
03:42Make it 50, bitch.
03:43Deal.
03:44Deal.
03:51Hola, ma'am.
03:53Hola, Pablo.
03:55Que tan ilusinado esta soy.
03:57Verás que divertido será el partido.
04:02Tengo mucha ilusión.
04:03Pues venga.
04:05Cuidado con ese ladrillo.
04:07Eh, ma'am?
04:10Who was that?
04:11Pablo Corceo.
04:13Lovely Spanish fella.
04:14Very good in defence.
04:18What, you's all staring at?
04:20I don't know what to tell you this, babe,
04:22but you and Pablo Corceo are the spit of each other.
04:25Eee.
04:26Now you've come to mention it, there is a bit of a similarity.
04:29A bit?
04:31Howie then.
04:31Let's go to the players' lounge.
04:33Your mother needs a sherry.
04:34Yay!
04:40Hold me break.
04:51All right, ma'am?
04:52How are you, chick?
04:53How are you getting on?
04:54Are you still with Kelly?
04:55She dumped me.
04:55Oh, fuck her.
04:57Tell us.
05:01Sorry, hon.
05:02Am I just with her?
05:03Only people involved in the charity match are allowed in the lounge today.
05:06Oh, er, we are involved in the charity match.
05:10Oh, apologies.
05:11So how is it exactly that you were involved?
05:13Erm, well, er, I'm actually the spouse of one of the players.
05:18You probably know him.
05:19Er, Owen Shennington.
05:21Yeah, I'm, I'm Dickie Shennington.
05:23Oh, aye.
05:24So what position does he play?
05:27Come again?
05:28Well, if you know Owen so well, you'll be able to tell me what position he is.
05:32Yeah, erm, versatile.
05:38Lads, I don't think we're getting any of you.
05:41Let's just go to the bar and the stands.
05:42I'm gagging for a Bev.
05:44I'm not missing my chance to become Teesside's number one work on.
05:48You do you, Bev.
05:52Listen, I get that you don't want to let scum like that in.
05:58But I'm a classy girl.
06:00I recently got back from Balmoral.
06:05Not today, love.
06:07Oh, how are you, Dickie?
06:12Welcome, Charity Match fans.
06:14My name's Geoff Stelling.
06:15I'm here with the incomparable Chris Kamara and the unsurpassable Steph McGovern.
06:21We're down here live at Pitchside for this year's charity game in support of nipple aid.
06:26That's right.
06:27Your donations will help people across the globe who are born with extra nipples.
06:32A charity close to my heart.
06:35Literally, I have a third nipple just here.
06:39Cammy, how many nipples have you got?
06:41Just the one, Geoff!
06:43Nipple aid.
06:44Not everyone has two.
06:47Oh, hiya, chick.
06:49Where you all at over there is a lovely spread on in here.
06:52Ma'am, this job's worth on the door isn't letting us into the lounge.
06:56Is Owen in there?
06:57Er, he is, chick.
06:59Can you just tell him from me that I miss him and that we'll be together soon?
07:05Oh, the quality of these soundies.
07:07He's better than friggin' Marxies.
07:10You what?
07:12Oh.
07:14Oh.
07:14Oh.
07:15Well, what did she say?
07:16Something about sandwiches.
07:18I'm sure that when word reaches Owen that the love of his life is stuck in the corridor,
07:22it'll come straight out.
07:23Do you really think I'm the love of his life?
07:25I was talking about me, Lucinda.
07:27You're really getting on my tits today.
07:29Well, you're really getting on my tits.
07:31Ozzy lad, how you doing?
07:32Get yourself in there.
07:34Look!
07:35He's just like Stuart in.
07:36Oh, he's ready.
07:39We need to somehow get that octopus costume.
07:42That's the only way we're going to get in this pigging lounge with that shit rag bouncy.
07:45Yeah, but how are we going to get the costume?
07:47Stuart's wearing it.
07:50Follow me.
07:55Sal!
07:56Oh, hiya, little babe.
07:58Didn't expect to see you here.
07:59Oh, I never miss a charity match me.
08:01Do you mind if I join?
08:02Yeah, of course.
08:06You're looking amazing, Sal.
08:08You're like proper glowing.
08:09Have you got a new skincare routine?
08:11No different than my usual saltwater and marjorie.
08:15I do feel different, though, to be honest.
08:18Kind of like a weight's been lifted.
08:21Oh, that's good.
08:22What? Is there any reason?
08:24Yeah, actually.
08:26I broke up with Danny.
08:28Oh.
08:31Oh.
08:36I've never done this before, but would you maybe like to, I don't know, go out for a drink sometime?
08:46Babe, you were so right to bring me to this place.
08:50What a shithole.
08:51I'm going to be able to get so much content.
08:53And, oh, it's you.
08:55Sorry, I forgot to mention Arabella's here.
08:58Room for a little one.
09:01You know, now that we've started seeing each other now, I think that I'm going to start saying that I'm
09:07working class.
09:08It's probably going to get me more work, am I right?
09:13Oh, I have limited opportunities.
09:17Do you know, now you lot have said about Lucinda and Pavlokov, hey, you're looking like each other.
09:22I can't unsee it.
09:25Liza Minnelli, she'll shoot off down the wing without the ball.
09:28It's proper and canny, isn't it?
09:30Oh, crest me in his.
09:31Oh, oh, oh.
09:36Huh?
09:46Emergency.
09:54Why the hell weren't you answering your phone, Stuart?
09:57I'm working, Lucinda.
09:58It's in my locker.
10:00What's the emergency?
10:01We've got something really important to tell you.
10:04What is it?
10:06Not here.
10:12Tell me what's going on.
10:14You're scaring me.
10:15We need your octopus outfit, hon.
10:16But why?
10:17I'm Ozzy the octopus.
10:19It's the only way we can get into the players' lounge.
10:20Why do you need to go to the players' lounge?
10:22My future husband is in there.
10:24No, my future husband is in there.
10:27Hey!
10:28Right, come on.
10:30Come on, Stuart.
10:30Stuart, it's best if you don't struggle.
10:33Oh, bitch!
10:34He's two have lost the pot.
10:35Give him back.
10:37My head!
10:38Mine!
10:39Well, if you've never watched a charity match before,
10:42I suppose we'd better explain a little about what you can expect today, Steph.
10:46Yeah, it's dead simple, Jeff.
10:47It's basically semi-professional footballers
10:50versus celebrity look-alikes,
10:52and they have a big old game of footy.
10:53Come on, are you excited about today's game?
10:56No, not really.
11:21Hello, Sir Elton John.
11:23How's your husband, David Furnish?
11:25Oh, no.
11:27It's actually me.
11:29It's Neil!
11:30Eee, I would never have known.
11:32Well, I did hear on the grapevine
11:34that you're managing us look-alikes today, ma'am.
11:36I am indeed.
11:37I didn't know you impersonated, Sir Elton.
11:40I mainly do the earlier hits.
11:42I'm Melton John, I'm Melton John,
11:44and I think I'm going to eat a scone.
11:46Hmm.
11:46You're such a selfish prick.
11:48Oi!
11:49Get off!
11:50Dickie, give me my costume back.
11:52I was really looking forward to being the mascot today.
11:55Oh, keep your hair on, Stuart.
11:56I'll get it back to you before the match starts.
11:58Don't believe you.
12:00Oh!
12:01You're doing it!
12:01Get off me!
12:04Dickie!
12:05Back in the thick, Stuart.
12:08Dickie!
12:09Time to get my man.
12:13Dickie Shennington, here I come.
12:15Can I help?
12:16Sir.
12:18Dickie!
12:20Hello?
12:21I'm a size six.
12:23I know.
12:23I'm a bit of a minx.
12:26Oh!
12:26I'm a tentacle.
12:28How are you getting on, Stuart?
12:32Nice.
12:33You've grown.
12:34Here.
12:35I've got to try these sarnies.
12:37Oh!
12:40There she is.
12:44Ma'am, I was just wondering,
12:46is Lucinda here?
12:48She's here somewhere.
12:49I might see if I can find her.
12:51See if she'll, er, hear me out.
12:54Well, don't be too long, Neil.
12:56I've got to give all you weird celebrity lookalikes
12:58a pep talk before the game starts.
13:00Yeah.
13:01Listen, that is not Elton John.
13:04It's just an oddly passive man.
13:06But, um...
13:07Hiya, Rowan!
13:11Hi!
13:13Mm...
13:14Mm!
13:16Oh, Popeye!
13:17Mm!
13:23Mm!
13:25Oh, um...
13:27Oh!
13:28Oh!
13:43Excuse me. I need your football kit.
13:46Yeah, piss off your pedo.
13:47I'm not a pedo.
13:48Why do you want me to take my clothes off?
13:50It's hard to explain, but basically, it's a beautiful romantic story involving prophecy, destiny, and above all, love.
13:58Yeah, so you let your pedo.
13:59I'll give you 50 quid.
14:02Yeah, go on then.
14:10There you go.
14:14What the actual fuck? That is not Merlot.
14:17That's all they had, babe.
14:18No, sorry, impossible. Excuse me.
14:22Sorry about it.
14:25So, you two are a proper...
14:27Yeah.
14:28It all, er, happened quite quickly.
14:33Well, I'm really happy for you.
14:37I can't believe it. You were right.
14:39Honestly, fuck this place.
14:41And you know the worst thing?
14:43They didn't even have any olives.
14:45I mean, like, what kind of dystopian nightmare are these people living in round here?
14:49Right. Deliveroo.
14:50Olives. Olives. Olives.
15:00I'm going to refer to you by the back in the wall.
15:01I'm going to talk to you by the way inside.
15:08Well, then, where's this hotel is coming?
15:11I'm going to talk to you by the way outside?
15:11Bye.
15:12Bye.
15:13Bye.
15:22Time to get my man.
15:26Can you believe, Owen, that some people don't know what the offside rule is?
15:29I know what it is. It's my favourite rule, actually.
15:33Ooh!
15:53Oh! Ouchie!
15:56Pavlovak, what are you doing? You all right?
15:58Thanks, sir. Thanks.
16:05I know it's you, Lucinda. Stop trying to steal my moves.
16:09Stop trying to steal my man, you homewrecked harlot.
16:11But it's not stealing when he already belongs to me.
16:14Right, semi-pros. Let's get you all down to the changing room for a pre-match chat, please.
16:19Come on, Pablo. And I think you'd better be getting down to the pitch, mate.
16:23All the kids will want to see Ozzy the Octopus.
16:26Shit.
16:28How are you, Pablo?
16:31Thanks, sir.
16:32I'll fucking help.
16:35May the best mum win.
16:37Go on.
16:39Kiss it.
16:43Boop.
16:44Break a leg, lads.
16:47Beard.
16:48Hello?
16:50Let me out.
16:57You can really feel the excitement as we edge closer to the kick-off here.
17:02Have you got a prediction of the results, Dave?
17:04Yeah, I think the celebrities might do well here, you know, because I've seen Cher play a charity match in
17:09Swansea.
17:09She's got a fantastic aim. Don't write them off.
17:12And Tammy, have you got a prediction?
17:15I think AI will take over the planet and destroy the human race!
17:22This car park is too full.
17:27Lucinda!
17:29Hey!
17:31We need to hash this out once and for all!
17:37Come here!
17:39Lucinda!
17:41Stay there!
17:44No!
17:45No!
17:46No!
17:47What's my local?
17:49Go on!
17:51Why are you still in here, Stuart?
17:52You locked me in here and give me back my costume.
17:56You know, you've really got a nerve, Lucinda!
17:58I can't hear what you're saying with this thing on my head!
18:01You sound Spanish for fuck's sake!
18:02Yeah, I don't think this is Lucinda Dickey.
18:06I don't even know what language you're speaking, Stuart!
18:10Hey!
18:11No!
18:12No!
18:15Time for me to get my wagon.
18:17Hey!
18:18Not again!
18:22Hola.
18:24Are we all clear on the strategy?
18:27Well, let's get out there and take down those fake celebrity wankers and get the win!
18:34Yeah!
18:38So, are you doing anything after this?
18:42Listen, Pablo, I think you've got the wrong idea, you know, mate.
18:45I'm cool with everyone being where they want to be and all that, but I'm not actually gay, mate.
18:51No, wait, I think you've got the wrong idea. This isn't...
18:54Right, lads!
18:55Time to go!
18:56Bring it in!
18:58Bring it in!
18:59Come on!
19:00Are you ready?
19:01One!
19:01Two!
19:02Three!
19:02Go!
19:04Help!
19:05Help!
19:06Help!
19:07Please, we're here!
19:08The card pack is too full!
19:11Help!
19:12Please!
19:13Please!
19:16Oh!
19:17Finally!
19:18Thank you, Sir Elton John!
19:20Where the hell is Dicky with my costume?
19:22Lucinda!
19:23Wow, you've really gone all out for this match.
19:26Look, I know that sorry is a proper hard word, but I am truly sorry.
19:37What, Lucinda?
19:39Lucinda!
19:39Please don't be like that!
19:44What?
19:46What?
19:48What?
19:49What did you get out of the cupboard?
19:50What are you on about?
19:50Never mind.
19:52Listen, where's Owen?
19:53I just need to have a quick word with him to confess my undying love.
19:56He's about to go onto the pitch, Dicky, and I'm sorry to tell you this hun, but he's
20:00not gay.
20:00Oh, wow.
20:02What a homophobic thing to say.
20:05Now, I know you're all worried about the semi-professionals, and it doesn't surprise
20:10me.
20:10They've got the talent.
20:12They've got the physical strength.
20:13But what is it you've got that they haven't?
20:17A slight resemblance to an A-list celebrity.
20:20So forget about their riptodonist bodies and their fast, athletic legs.
20:25Get out there and crush them!
20:27Yeah!
20:30Yeah!
20:31Yes, Stevie Wonder.
20:33Anybody know where Team Captain Sir Elton John is?
20:38I'm Team Captain Sir Elton John, and I'm locked in the cupboard.
20:42Please!
20:45Nickelodeon!
20:49Fucking help me!
20:50What's the matter?
20:51No, no, no.
20:52I'm sorry.
20:53I tried, but this is absolutely not for me.
20:56Nickelodeon!
20:56Excuse me!
20:57Boo!
20:59Nickelodeon!
21:02Nickelodeon!
21:05Nickelodeon!
21:06Nickelodeon!
21:06Nickelodeon!
21:07And another thing.
21:08I knew it was you who took my dervily dunkers.
21:12Don't walk away from me, Lucinda.
21:14Let's discuss this like Adol.
21:16I am not having this conversation while you're dressed as Ozzy the fucking octopus!
21:21Hey, Cammie, that's Cher.
21:23I wish I had the name and address of her plastic surgeon.
21:27Unbelievable, Geoff!
21:29And I'll tell you what I'm looking forward to.
21:31Owen Shennington on the pitch.
21:32There's a lot of talent in that lad.
21:34You've always done this to me!
21:35What are you even on about?
21:36Tried stealing the lads I like.
21:38Are you actually joking me?
21:39When have I ever stolen a lad from you?
21:41Er, Ryan Jones.
21:42Oh, come off it.
21:43You weren't ever serious with Ryan.
21:45And anyway, he was the one who asked me for a blow in H&M.
21:49What are you doing, you crazy bitch?
21:50That's my head!
21:52Oh!
21:53Give it back to kids!
21:55Nah, nah.
21:56Over here, please.
21:58I'm not Benz.
22:01Why the fuck has Steph McGovern got a commentating job here?
22:05What does she know about football, the brown-nosing cow?
22:10Do you know what?
22:11Why don't you put that finger where the sun doesn't fucking shine?
22:14What?
22:15Come out here.
22:16We'll talk about it out here.
22:17Yeah, you're scared in your little box, aren't you?
22:20Er, you okay, Steph?
22:23Just give us a minute, Cammie.
22:26Give it back!
22:36What?
22:37Have I got something on me face?
22:41I know I shouldn't, and this is probably the wrong time.
22:46What?
22:54What were you saying, Mel?
22:59What?
23:04What?
23:05What?
23:06What?
23:06What?
23:08What have you got that far?
23:10Bloody modern footballers.
23:12Ladies and gentlemen, the players are in the tunnel.
23:14Put your hands together and make some noise and welcome our two teams onto the pitch.
23:19Come on, Semi-Pros.
23:20Let's have you.
23:20Get out there.
23:21Let's give it to them.
23:22Come on.
23:24Come on.
23:25It's Semi-Pros vs. Celebrities.
23:27And back in the open night today for the Semi-Pros is Pablo Corzello.
23:34Come on, out of the pitch.
23:35That's it.
23:36Come on.
23:36We're thrilled to have you with what promises to be a fantastic charity football match.
23:40All in support of an incredible cause.
23:43Pablo Corzello's warming up.
23:44I think he looks a bit unsure, you know.
23:46I think he's slaying.
23:49Let's make it a match to remember and most importantly, let's make a difference.
23:54Stevie.
23:55Stevie.
23:55It's that way.
23:57Oh, okay.
24:01That's it.
24:02Pass it.
24:02Oh, great pass.
24:03Well done.
24:08And Corzello's called a timeout.
24:12That's not even a thing in football.
24:14I love it.
24:15Go on, lad.
24:17Gentle.
24:17No, no hard tackles.
24:19Come on.
24:22Come on.
24:23Come on.
24:23Come on.
24:24Come on.
24:24Come on.
24:24Minnelli.
24:25Liza Minnelli.
24:26Come on.
24:27Get in the game.
24:28Should have got Streisand.
24:30Liza Minnelli's in great form today.
24:33Yeah, you're not wrong, Geoff.
24:34She's created some cracking moments there.
24:36She was spectacular in Camaray.
24:40Liza.
24:41Liza.
24:42Liza.
24:42Pass it to share.
24:43What the hell was that?
24:45Oh, you moron.
24:47She was open there.
24:48You told me you were good.
24:50But the Prince Harry.
24:53Don't wave.
24:54Prince Harry.
24:55You know nothing like him.
24:57You're just a lad with ginger hair.
24:59No.
24:59No.
25:00No.
25:01No.
25:01Backward.
25:03You're bloody useless, my lord of you.
25:05Useless.
25:09Hiya, chick.
25:10You're all right, look.
25:10He gives a...
25:15Stop throwing my head around, you fucking monsters!
25:19Dicky!
25:20Give me my octopus costume back!
25:25Owen!
25:26Owen!
25:27Owen!
25:29Call me!
25:30What are you doing, man?
25:31Owen!
25:31No.
25:32Owen, call me!
25:34Dicky!
25:35Give me Ozzy!
25:58Hey, it looks like Ozzy the Octopus is on the pitch now.
26:02I'm not talking to you!
26:03I'm not talking to you either!
26:04And he's being chased by some tiny little gay fella.
26:07Give me my octopus back!
26:09Maybe I should go to Specsavers, guys, because...
26:12There appear to be two Pablo Corzellos on the pitch!
26:16Imposter Hall!
26:18Is there?
26:18I must have missed that, Geoff.
26:21What the hell are they doing?
26:23Hey!
26:24Papa!
26:24Oi!
26:25Get off that pitch before I frigging batter you!
26:28Come here!
26:29Oh!
26:30And these on there to yours?
26:31Yeah?
26:32Well, what are they doing on there?
26:33You leave them alone!
26:34Go on, everyone!
26:35Ah, you think you're done!
26:36You're done!
26:37Yeah, you think you're done!
26:40You like that?
26:42Your friends normally like this?
26:45As a matter of fact, they are, yeah.
26:47Owen!
26:48Owen!
26:48Owen!
26:49I know it's embarrassing, isn't it?
26:52What are you apologising for?
26:54It's class!
26:56Owen!
26:57Owen!
26:58Owen!
26:59Owen!
26:59Owen!
27:01You don't like Owen, please!
27:10What the actual fuck?
27:11I thought you were following me.
27:13I've just been sat in the car for ages.
27:14Shit.
27:15Sorry, babe.
27:16The windows were literally up.
27:22You've got to get like a fun feeling.
27:23Oh, my.
27:30It's okay.
27:36It's better to see someone!
27:43You didn't know what you were leaving.
27:45I don't mind.
27:46Oh, it's no fun!
27:47I don't mind.
27:47You're a big thing!
27:47You don't have to be mad to live it, but I'll tell you what, Jeff, it fucking helps!
28:06I'm Elton John, I'm Elton John, and I think everyone has gone.
28:17I'm Elton John, I'm Elton John, and I think everyone has gone.
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