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00:00Right, welcome back to Teastalk FM, and guess what Middlesbrough, we've just been voted the sexiest industrial town in the
00:09whole of the UK.
00:10Can you smuggies believe that? I mean, this whole town isn't to everyone's taste.
00:16Kirstie and Phil called it a right shithole, but guess what Kirstie and Phil, it's our shithole.
00:22And if you're off on the town tonight, he's a little something to get you right in the mood.
00:30Oi! This is a fiver! Come back here! Oi!
00:37Let's go!
00:38I call my girl, cause I got a problem, only a curl is gonna suck, then I don't really care,
00:46just get him on my hair.
00:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:56Hiya, chick.
00:57Hiya, ma'am. You look sunny.
01:00Aw, shush, you. Come here.
01:02How are you? All right?
01:04Oh, I'm having a mare, to be honest.
01:05Yeah, I'm wanting to wear this dress tonight, so I've tried to gaffer-take me dick up me arse.
01:10I'm sweating like a dog, gaffer-keeps peeling off.
01:12Oh, you tried to stick your back flat, too?
01:13Last time I tried that, I sat on my nephew's hamster, didn't realise, little bastard was stuck to me gooch
01:18for the whole night.
01:19Are we in?
01:21Hiya, is all right?
01:23Not really, Dixter, to be honest, I've got knits.
01:25Hey, not again, they love your hair, don't they?
01:27Yeah, it's knit city on her fucking scalp.
01:29Where did you get them from this time?
01:31Take care, Max.
01:32Hey, well, I got a shock when I found out.
01:34I was sat watching Holmes under the hammer earlier,
01:35then I hear me phone going off in the other room
01:37and it's her on the other end saying for me to bring me a nitcomb to the mum's tonight
01:40cos she's infested again.
01:41Why, do you want you to buy your own nitcomb, Sal?
01:43I'm skimp, babe.
01:44Aw, well, I'll get you one for your birthday.
01:46Seen a lot of action, this nitcomb.
01:48Angela, who lives down the road, asked me to do her.
01:49Kids knits the other week.
01:50I was there for two sodden hours trying to get the little gadgets out.
01:53She's lovely, Angela, but by God, she's ugly, bless her.
01:56Oh, wait, then, I'm gagging for a drink. What are we having?
01:58I have just secreted a fresh batch of mum's juice.
02:02Oh!
02:03Come on!
02:05Cheers, queers!
02:06Cheers!
02:09Oh, my God!
02:10That's disgusting!
02:12Bad, that, like...
02:13Oh, you look absolutely stunning tonight, Dickie Biggs.
02:18Yeah, I know, hon.
02:19I'm sick of hearing it, to be honest.
02:21Right, can I use your boudoir for a quick spritz, ma'am?
02:23Of course, chick.
02:24Thank you!
02:29Who the fuck are you?
02:31Oh, hiya.
02:32I'm Stuart.
02:37Who the fuck is Stuart?
02:39Eee, I forgot he was there.
02:41He's a little baby gay.
02:42I met him on a night out the other week.
02:44Yeah, sat all on his own.
02:46Poor little bed.
02:47He's coming out on the lash with us tonight.
02:49See you.
02:55Right, how are we?
02:56Show up, Stuart.
02:59My name's Dickie, but tonight you can call me Tuna.
03:03Tuna?
03:03Tuna Baguette.
03:05What's your drag name?
03:06I don't have one yet.
03:07I've only just started doing it.
03:09You've got to have a drag name, Stuart.
03:11Oh, wait, let me have a look at you.
03:16I've got it.
03:18Pam, rash face.
03:21I'm not really sure about that, to be honest.
03:23OK, what about Tracey, rat face?
03:27Oh.
03:28You look like a rat.
03:29Sorry?
03:30Nothing.
03:30Right, you little bum boys.
03:32Get these down, you.
03:33Thanks, ma'am.
03:34Cheers.
03:39What's in that, ma'am?
03:41That'd be telling.
03:41Yeah, I'm buzzing for tonight, me.
03:43Me too.
03:45Are you going to have a dance, Stuart?
03:46I might do, yeah.
03:47Oh, I love that about you.
03:49I'm an amazing dancer, Stuart.
03:51I applied for Britain's Got Talent a couple of years ago.
03:54All right.
03:55How did you get on?
03:56Really well.
03:57I got an email back from them saying that the application had been received.
04:02So...
04:04Have you managed to stick your willy up your heart yet, ma'am?
04:07I put some self-adhesive strips up there.
04:08Seem to be doing the trick.
04:09Aw, made up for you.
04:13So I'm going to go meet this date in a bit,
04:15and then I'll come meet yous all after.
04:16So you text me when you's end up?
04:17Aye, no problems, doll.
04:19What's he like, then, this lad?
04:20Is he fit or is he ugly?
04:21Oh, my God, Sal.
04:22He's absolutely stunning.
04:24Here, I'll show you a picture.
04:25His name's Neil.
04:29God, he's a buff lad-like.
04:30Yeah, well, at first I thought he looked a bit too good.
04:32But after speaking with him, he seems dead genuine.
04:34Plus he's got a gorgeous set of dick pics.
04:36Each photo's a different size and colour.
04:38He must have a very versatile willy.
04:40He looks a bit familiar.
04:42Does he live near me?
04:43No, he lives in Hartlepool.
04:45At first I thought, hey, my God, I can't date someone from Hartlepool
04:47because it'd be long distance.
04:48But then I said to myself, no, Lucinda, love has no limits.
04:52Also, I'm really horny.
04:55Do you think I've got enough eyeliner on?
05:00The problem with your makeup, Stuart, is that you're just not very good at it.
05:06Oh.
05:08Really?
05:09Yeah, if I'm being totally honest with you, you look like raw sewage.
05:13Oh.
05:15Right.
05:18So, how long you been doing drag for, then?
05:21That'd give me age away, hon.
05:26EY, how old do you like?
05:27A lady never reveals her age.
05:30I do get loads of comments on how young I look, though.
05:33If you were to guess, Stuart, how old did you say I am?
05:36EY, I'm not Stuart.
05:37Go on, Stuart. Have a guess. I won't be offended.
05:41Erm, 38?
05:44Oh!
05:55What have you done to your nose, Stuart?
05:56That was my fault, I'm afraid.
05:58He said he thought I looked 38.
06:00Why would you say that when he's only 37?
06:03Sal!
06:03How the fuck do you know my real age?
06:05That's not public knowledge!
06:06I thought on your driving licence when I was rooting through your wallet.
06:08And why were you rooting through me wallet?
06:10Needed some cash.
06:11I don't use cash anymore.
06:13I'm a contact with the Queen these days.
06:14Yeah, I know. Just use one of your cards instead.
06:17Hi, Queens!
06:18So, what goss have I missed?
06:20What's up to your nose, Stuart?
06:22Stuart says Dickie looks 38 when he's actually 37.
06:24Why would you say something like that?
06:27I'm not really sure, to be honest.
06:28How old would you say I looked Stuart?
06:32EY, what have you done to your nose, Stuart?
06:34Stuart said Dickie looked 38.
06:36Oh, that's not a very nice thing to say when he's only 37.
06:38OK, can everyone just shut the fuck up now, please? Thank you!
06:41Well, I'd best get off to me date.
06:42Which one's this now?
06:43It's a new one. He's called Neil.
06:45Oh, give us a look at his dick pics, then.
06:49That's a real juicy cock, that, like.
06:52It's a fake bear, innit?
06:52I think he might have a bit of money to his name.
06:54He's taking me to an Italian restaurant in Yarm.
06:56Yarm?
06:57Oh, get it for you.
06:58Bit dirty rich man.
07:00Right, well, I'll see you in a bit then. Love you.
07:02Ta-ra-ra, then. Bye-bye.
07:05Right, taxi's going to be here in 20 minutes.
07:07So get your glad rags on, and let's get on it!
07:10Yeah!
07:11I'm going to shake his fancy.
07:13Let's get broken and smashed!
07:15Have you got a boyfriend, Stuart?
07:17No.
07:18No.
07:20What about you?
07:24You'll meet me in a bit. He's coming out.
07:26His name's Harrison, and he's the love of my pig in life.
07:29Have you ever had an emotional connection with someone so deep
07:32that it penetrates your arsehole?
07:33I don't think so, no.
07:36I'm a top.
07:36I'm not talking a physical arsehole, Stuart.
07:40I'm talking emotional.
07:42A metaphorical arsehole.
07:44I'm not really sure what you're on about, to be honest.
07:47You're only young, hon.
07:48You'll learn.
07:49I'm also really young, despite the vicious rumours.
07:52But mentally, I'm older than my years.
07:55Well, it sounds like you've got a lovely relationship.
07:57Lovely doesn't cut it, hon.
07:59He's proper infatuated with me, to be honest.
08:01Sssst.
08:04When the rain is blowing in your face
08:08And the whole world is on your case
08:13I could offer you a warm embrace
08:18To make you feel my love
08:23Oh, I love that song
08:26It's played at my nan's funeral
08:28When the evening shadows and the stars appear
08:33And there is no one else to dry your tears
08:38I could hold you for a million years
08:42To make you feel my love
08:49That's mine and Harrison's song
08:54I know you haven't made your mind up yet
09:00What's wrong with it?
09:01What is it?
09:01Sass and your voice scared the shit out of me
09:03Oh
09:04Yeah, I really think you should never sing ever again, actually, Stuart
09:07Oh, talk of the devil
09:09That'll be Harrison
09:09Wait till you meet him, Stuart
09:11Oh, I can't wait
09:12You'll be jealous as fuck
09:15Yeah, I managed to jam the self-adhesives right up me crack
09:18I'm hoping that when I take them off later
09:20They'll give me a bit of a wax, you know
09:21It's like the Amazon rainforest down there at the moment
09:24Oh, right, yeah
09:25Hiya, baby
09:26I'll see you in there
09:27Oh, are you coming in?
09:28Actually, would you mind just stepping outside a second?
09:31I need to talk to you
09:32I just sound all serious than that
09:34Well, it's just that
09:35Hi, Harrison
09:36You all right, Sal?
09:37I've had nits again
09:38Oh, erm, sorry to hear that
09:41Sal, I need to have a quick word with Dickie, if you don't mind
09:44Oh, yeah, I wouldn't say no more
09:46Er, Dickie, can we just go somewhere private a minute?
09:53Oh, Sam, what are you going to say here, you big weirdo?
09:54You're not pregnant, are you?
09:59Do you know what I say?
10:00You're not pregnant, are you?
10:03I'm breaking up with you
10:09I don't really get the joke
10:10What we do, make me laugh
10:10I'm sorry, I didn't want to tell you like this
10:13But are you being serious?
10:15You can't do this to me, Harrison
10:17You're literally my everything
10:19Sorry, Dickie
10:19We're finished
10:26I'm giving you the world
10:27Why are you doing this to me?
10:29I really tried to love you
10:30But you're just a selfish, egotistical prick
10:32And it's starting to grate on me, to be honest
10:34How am I selfish?
10:35I literally paid for you for Gran Canaria
10:37I want more than Gran Canaria
10:39Well, you're not Middlesbrough, are you?
10:39I want more than fucking Middlesbrough
10:41Because you possibly need that you can't get in Middlesbrough
10:43Where else are you going to get a triple vodka lemonade for £1.50?
10:46Right, Dickie
10:46Harrison, wait!
11:12Taxi's here!
11:35It's all right, Chick
11:36You're in hospital
11:38I've just been throwing cheesy puffs in my mouth again
11:42Please tell me I was having a nightmare
11:44And that Harrison's still my boyfriend
11:48Oh, please tell me I didn't lose my good wig
11:51You weren't dreaming, unfortunately
11:54Harrison's gone the big prick
11:56And Dal, that wig had to go
11:57The bloody thing stank a salmon teriyaki
12:00I'm glad you're all right, Dickster
12:02Me too, Chick
12:03And me
12:06What the fuck are you doing here, Stuart?
12:07I've literally only just met, yeah?
12:09Oh, thank God you were okay
12:11We rushed here as soon as we could, didn't we, Neil?
12:13Hi
12:14Oh, this is Neil, everyone
12:15Hi, Neil, hi, Neil
12:17Hi, Neil, hi, Neil
12:18Fantastic Sarah Dick pics
12:19Oh, thanks very much
12:20Hey, I got a WhatsApp from Sal
12:22Saying Dickie's been flung over a car bonnet
12:23And he's in hospital
12:24I jumped out of my seat, didn't I, Neil?
12:25Aye
12:25It says to him, Dickie's been flung over a bonnet
12:27And what was it you said?
12:29Well, who's Dickie?
12:30Who's Dickie?
12:30That's right
12:31And so then Neil got his spaghetti carbonara to go
12:33And we jumped in the cab and came straight here
12:34Well, I get sluggish if I don't eat
12:36How are you feeling, hon?
12:38You're never going to believe this
12:39But when I was at death's door just then
12:41My soul floated up above my body
12:44And I saw myself lying here with all you sat around me
12:47Are you being serious?
12:49Deadly serious
12:50Also, when I was up there, I floated into the corridor
12:52And saw ma'am using a defibrillator on the vending machine
12:55Well, I was gagging through Twix
12:57But something stopped me from going into the light
13:00Someone stopped me
13:02My dead nana spoke to me
13:04And said it wasn't my time yet
13:05You saw your dead nana Pat?
13:07How was she?
13:08She's not like death, to be honest
13:10Did dead nana Pat mention anything about the 20 quid she still owes me?
13:13Oh, she didn't mention her?
13:14Yeah, of course she didn't
13:15Stidge your cow
13:16What did she say?
13:17That's why I went a bit muffled
13:18She was saying something about a fight
13:20And Cheryl Cole
13:21I couldn't work it out
13:23What could dead nana Pat have meant?
13:31I honestly can't believe he's left me
13:34What am I going to do?
13:36You're going to hold your head up high, hon
13:37You're going to be strong and fierce, chick
13:40You're absolutely right
13:41I'm going to get through this
13:43With dignity and grace
13:46Sorry to be the bearer of shite news, Dixter
13:49But I've just seen this
13:54What the fucking hell
14:00Oh, thanks for coming
14:08Sorry
14:09Hello
14:10Hi, ma'am
14:11It's a difficult time for all of us
14:13There's some volubons inside
14:27Where'd you get them from?
14:29What?
14:30Your big old tits, babe
14:32It was a doctor in Manchester
14:35Can I have a squeeze?
14:36I'm not really comfortable with that, to be honest
14:38What about just a very quick tap?
14:42Okay, then
14:44Can I have a tap as well, please?
14:46Well, if you must
15:05I'd just like to say a quick thank you
15:07To all of you for being here today
15:09To mourn the death of my relationship with Harrison
15:13As you know, I'm absolutely heartbroken
15:17And unequivocally desecrated
15:19You was on thesaurus.com earlier
15:22But do you know something?
15:24My heart will go on
15:34What are you doing?
15:42What do you mean?
15:44I told you to play my heart will go on
15:45By Celine Dion
15:46I thought this was it
15:47It's come by, ah, my lord
15:49Just forget it
15:52For fuck's sake
15:59What a wonderful service
16:06Too much of anything can make you sick
16:21Look at the eyeballs, Stuart
16:39Aw, thanks, ma'am
16:40Have you had some work done to them?
16:42Um, no, they're just my natural eyeballs
16:46They're ever so piercing
16:48Do you, uh, do you like my eyeballs, Stuart?
16:50Yeah, they're not bad, then, like
16:53They're fake
17:15What's the matter?
17:17Anything that's worth having
17:18Is sure enough worth fighting for
17:21That's what Deadlander Park was trying to tell me
17:23I've got to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight
17:24For this love
17:25She loved Shezza
17:27Are you sure you're okay, chick?
17:28You don't need to lie down
17:29After all that present
17:30Going volubons
17:30Ma'am, where's your Toyota Yaris?
17:32I sold it to buy an ice cream van
17:34Why?
17:35I like ice cream
17:36Are you sober enough to drive?
17:38I've only had a lemonade, black currant and soda
17:39With a slice of lamb
17:40And a dash of dandelion and burdock
17:41Why?
17:42I need to get to Whitby
17:44ASAP
17:52Operation Let's Get Dickies Fellow Back
17:53Is officially underway
17:55What's the plan, chick?
17:56So, we're looking for Harrison
17:57And his new half
17:58This is what they're wearing
17:59They're also carrying a big fuck-off balloon
18:01So we can't miss them
18:02How will we know where to find them, Dickie?
18:03He's just posted this on his story
18:05I'm in Whitby with this one
18:06And I'm shitting myself
18:08Because he's told me
18:08He's only going to book something proper scary
18:10At 6.30
18:11And he won't tell us what it is
18:13Are we here?
18:14Come on, tell us
18:14Tell us, Bobby
18:15I'm not telling you, man
18:16That's so doyly
18:18What could it be?
18:19I don't know
18:19The Dracula scare experience
18:21Oh, yeah, that's well scary
18:22That, like
18:23I went on a date there once with a lad
18:24And I was so frightened
18:25I threw up on him
18:25But luckily he had a vomit fetish
18:27So you want to see me again
18:28Oh, what about a ghost walk?
18:29Oh, yeah, they're scary as fuck
18:30I did a ghost walk date once
18:32And I got so scared
18:32I pissed all over the poor lad
18:33But luckily he had a piss fetish
18:35So he
18:35Yeah, all right, we'll get the message, Lucinda
18:41All Whitby ghost walks end up at the abbey
18:43How would you know that, chick?
18:45I used to work there as a ghost nun
18:49Right
18:50Plan
18:51Me and Sal will go to the Dracula scare experience
18:53Lucinda, you and Stuart go a diggy to the abbey
18:55We are going to get you your fella back
18:58Yay!
19:04Right, how are we?
19:05It's nearly 6.30
19:06Now, you lot head up to the abbey
19:08And we'll go to the scare experience
19:09And we'll call you if you find them
19:11Go on
19:16Here, ma'am
19:17You've got a small punter
19:18Tell her we're closed
19:20We're closed
19:21It says here you're open
19:24That's wrong, sorry
19:25This is ridiculous
19:26I'd like to speak to the manager
19:29Ma'am, she wants to speak to the manager
19:34All right, I'll save you this time
19:36But make it quick
19:36Because we're actually on a mission
19:38Okay, Indiana Jones
19:39Oh, you cheeky fucker
19:40Come on, what are you having?
19:42Hmm
19:43What the hell?
19:44You'll have a 99
19:47What the hell do you call that?
19:49£4.50, please
19:50You're joking, aren't you?
19:51Those are London prices
19:54I've got to say
19:55This is absolutely ridiculous
19:56They're not 99 for you anymore
19:58Oh
19:59Right
20:00Are we then?
20:01Let's go
20:02I love spontaneous trips like this, me
20:05You're all really trying to wedge yourself into this friendship group
20:07Aren't you, Mr. Stewart?
20:15Oh
20:27It's for the weirdo, as it's with me
20:37There they are
20:39Don't let those homos out of your sight until Dickie gets here
20:56Why the hell is the answer in?
21:02Come on, Dickie
21:08The ghost tour must finish up here somewhere
21:11Check behind every single gravestone
21:13Dickie, take a look at yourself
21:15This isn't you
21:16We can't just give up
21:17You know, Dickie
21:18Sometimes heartbreak is a sign of the universe
21:20Telling you to make a fresh start
21:24Look
21:24It's a sign
21:26D. N. Patterson
21:29Dead Nana Pat
21:31Listen
21:32She must be telling us to wait
21:33Here
21:34How are you?
21:49Oh, you fucking hair there
22:01Quick, Sal
22:02They're leaving
22:05Harrison
22:05Wait, you little tit
22:09Oh, sorry
22:10We thought you were somebody else
22:11No offence
22:12But you both look like a couple of gay lads from the back
22:14Yeah, we get that a lot
22:22I don't think they're coming, Dickie Babes
22:24I'm starting to think you're a curse, Stuart
22:26What do you mean?
22:28I mean, everything in my life is going so well
22:29And suddenly you turn up and everything turns to shit
22:31Oh, stop it now, Dickie
22:33It's not Stuart's fault that Harrison's a massive arsewife
22:37Now, hey
22:37Let's get your arm on
22:44Wait
22:46Welcome
22:46To St. Mary's Churchyard
22:48A place famed
22:50For ghosts
22:51Spirits
22:52And other
22:52Strange goings on
22:54Look, it's them
22:55Nana Pat was right
22:56Come on
22:57My feet are killing me
23:00Take your heels off
23:02Never
23:09Now, there's a lot of activity from here
23:11So don't be surprised if you feel a cold, sharp tingle down your spine
23:16It might just be a spirit who was simply known as Betsy
23:20It is I, Betsy
23:22It is I, Betsy
23:24It is I, Betsy
23:25Many Whitby residents say they see Betsy on a regular occurrence
23:28Always dressed in black
23:30And always singing
23:31Somewhere Over the Rainbow
23:33In the style of Eva Cassidy
23:37How do I look, Stuart?
23:39Your mascara's smudged a bit
23:43Is that better?
23:46Yeah
23:47Dickie, I just wanted to say everything in life happens for a reason
23:50What the fuck are you going on about now, Stuart?
23:52I'm just saying that if it doesn't work out with Harrison, don't be too sad
23:56It just means he's not the one for you
23:58It's gonna work out, Stuart
24:00He just needs to see me again and realise what he's missing
24:05Well, thanks, hon
24:08Right
24:09Wish me luck
24:10Good luck
24:18Stop the ghost walk!
24:20Stop the ghost walk!
24:23You're joking on you
24:25What you doing here, Dickie?
24:27And why the fuck are you dressed like that?
24:36I know you haven't made your mind up yet
24:39But I will now
24:41Just stop!
24:43You need to get over it
24:45You're embarrassing yourself
24:47I don't care
24:47He doesn't love you anymore, you weirdo
24:49Just fucking get over it
24:51I'm not talking to you, you stupid
24:53Fit, muscly twink
24:55I'm talking to Harrison
24:56I don't love you anymore, mate
25:07That dress
25:08Does nothing for your figure babes
25:30I'm a thick twat
25:32I honestly thought
25:33He'd run over to me
25:35Kiss me
25:36And say that he's gonna leave that really fit lad for me
25:39I think
25:41I think it's genuinely over
25:51What happened to you?
25:53I headbutted seven vampires and a parking attendant
25:56What kind of a friggin' monster
25:58With a friggin' parking ticket on an ice cream van at the beach
26:01Political correctness gone friggin' mad
26:15Did you find Harrison?
26:17Yeah
26:17When he called Dickie mate
26:19Oh, chick
26:20I'm so sorry to hear that
26:38Look at the state of me
26:40Sobbing like a soppy old trout
26:41But I'll be alright, you know
26:43Cos I've got these queens to sort me out
26:45You see, that's what we do here
26:47We look out for each other
26:48We'll be anyone you need
26:49Your sister, your mum, your dad or your brother
26:52Your auntie, your uncle, your nanny, your pa
26:54Cos if there's no one else there for you
26:56We fucking are
26:58It's what you learn about us
27:00Tough as old boots
27:01You've gotta be around here
27:02We are who we are
27:04Strong, fierce and unreservedly queer
27:07And if you can't find us
27:09Keep searching
27:10Keep strong
27:11Know your worth
27:12Cos believe me
27:13We're out there somewhere
27:15On this big old queer earth
27:18You know Dickie
27:19You might be feeling pain now
27:22But time is the greatest healer
27:25Why the fuck are you still here Stuart?
27:27We're out there
27:31We're out there
27:35We're out there
27:39We're out there
27:47We're out there
27:48We're out there
27:49We're out there
27:50We're out there
27:50We're out there
27:50We're out there
27:50We're out there
27:52We're out there
27:53We're out there
27:53We're out there
27:53We're out there
27:54We're out there
27:54We're out there
27:54We're out there
27:54We're out there
27:54We're out there
27:54We're out there
27:55We're out there
27:56We're out there
27:56We're out there
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