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00:19It's been eighty-four minutes. It was a different time back then. We were younger and happier.
00:30We hadn't a care in the world.
00:40Hey, I'm buzzing for your drag brunch, ma'am. I said to Neil to bring his armbands and waders off
00:45with it being Titanic-themed.
00:47Oh, it's been a while since I've dusted off the old bingo balls. I've roped in Geordie Kaz to help
00:51organise it.
00:51Oh, I love Geordie Kaz, mate. She's got such a funny accent.
00:55You're a red pit!
01:00Come on, Neil, I'll get your togs on. We're leaving in twenty!
01:04Woo! Right, Lucinda, I need your make-up skills, please. I want to be an English rose today.
01:10You're in luck, hon. My Uncle Dean has just sold me some Estee Lauder cosmetics and I have the perfect
01:15English rose rouge for your cheeks.
01:17I'm not your dodgy Uncle Dean who went to prison for fraud.
01:19He's changed his ways, hon. At first I thought, no, Lucinda, don't fall for his cornite's behaviour again.
01:24Not after last time when he phoned me up and convinced me to transfer him money cos he said he
01:27was stuck down a well in Botswana.
01:28But I had lunch with him the other day and I swear down, he's proper changed his ways.
01:32Well, away then. Get out of me face. I'm on the pool today, so I need to look fresh as
01:36fuck.
01:37Where are you? Dressing up as Stuart?
01:39Well, I wasn't sure what to wear cos I've never seen Titanic. But Mum says she's got me a costume.
01:44You've never seen Titanic?
01:47No, it came out before I was born, so...
01:51More concealer, please, Lucinda.
01:55Away, babe. Don't be stingy.
01:59As the make-up gently caressed my cheek, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I thought,
02:05wow, I truly am England's rose.
02:09If we could just stick to the relevant points, that would be great.
02:12Do you want my statement or not? Off you say.
02:16The Teeside Princess was called the Ship of Dreams.
02:21And it was. It really was.
02:26So this is the famous Teeside Princess. I heard she's unsinkable.
02:33Oh, look at the stern on that.
02:37Absolutely exquisite.
02:41What a big old bastard barge.
02:48Wow. It's you.
02:52Are we inside? Let's get set up.
02:55Oh, it's Stuart. Stop pissing about.
03:00What a beauty.
03:02Is that you, Neil?
03:05Down here?
03:06How are you, Stuart?
03:11Oh, thanks, Neil.
03:13What have you come as?
03:14Squirty cream?
03:15I'm meant to be an iceberg.
03:17Oh.
03:18Oh, it's Johnny Kaz.
03:20How are it?
03:22How are you, Kaz?
03:23How are you? You okay, chick?
03:25Aye, not too bad. Can I complain?
03:27Hey, Kaz.
03:28Stay.
03:29That radiator needs bleeding.
03:32That radiator needs bleeding.
03:34Oh!
03:35That radiator needs bleeding.
03:37That radiator needs bleeding.
03:37That radiator needs bleeding.
03:38That radiator needs bleeding.
03:38That radiator needs bleeding.
03:38It's fun for you, ma.
03:42So what's the deal, chick?
03:44Did we just take the equipment straight downstairs?
03:46Oh, yeah, about that.
03:47There's been a bit of a hiccup.
03:49Apparently there's been a double booking.
03:50What do you mean?
03:51I booked this place months ago.
03:53Who the hell's friggin' double booked it?
04:06Excuse me, chick.
04:08I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding.
04:10I've got this room booked.
04:18You!
04:19Hello, ma'am.
04:22Didn't expect to see you here.
04:25It's been a while.
04:26You're looking like you're eating well.
04:29What the hell are you doing here, nan?
04:32You must excuse the mess.
04:35I'm just setting up for my Titanic-themed drag brunch.
04:42This is my Titanic-themed drag brunch!
04:45I'm ever so sorry, Flower.
04:47You must be mistaken.
04:49There is no pigging way.
04:52We've booked a drag event on the same day in the same place.
04:57You know, it's not uncommon for a drag queen to host a Titanic-themed drag brunch on a floating vessel.
05:08Well, you're gonna have to leave because I have got a huge guest list and they will be arriving imminently.
05:18Big word for the big lass.
05:20Oh, you bitch!
05:24You cow!
05:26You tit!
05:28You shit!
05:29Stop!
05:30What's going on?
05:31Hey, nan, what are you doing here?
05:34I didn't think you two could legally be in the same room as each other.
05:37What's all the racket, lads?
05:38I can hear you from the engine room.
05:40She's trying to hijack my event because she's got a vendetta against me!
05:45Oh, get over yourself, you hairy old wench.
05:47It's not all about you!
05:49Hey, I didn't think you two could legally be in the same room as each other.
05:53Heh, don't worry everyone. Nan was just leaving. Like fucking hell I was.
06:02This is exactly why the Tees Treaty had to be drawn up.
06:05It specifically stipulates that nan should only be hosting drag events in Stockton
06:10and mam should only be hosting drag events in Middlesbrough
06:12and that never the twain shall meet.
06:16Exactly!
06:17And seeing as we're in Middlesbrough, you can just fuck yourself off back to Stockton.
06:22Ta-ta!
06:23Er, I think you'll find we're actually in Stockton
06:25so you can fuck yourself off back to the borough!
06:29Technically lads, this is International Waters.
06:34Mel? Sam?
06:36Mel, bring the creative blue WKDs in. We're staying put!
06:41Well, how are we gonna settle this?
06:43There's only one way.
06:47A fight to the death!
06:52Well, what about an arm wrestle?
06:54Yeah, that's fine. We'll do that, yeah.
06:56Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, we'll do that, yeah.
07:22Oh, you're good!
07:23The room is ours!
07:25Get yourselves upstairs, you Middlesbrough twats!
07:30Oh, you cheat!
07:31Stop being a bad loser, you bitter old snot pig!
07:37This isn't over!
07:43She was the majestic beauty, the Teesside Princess, and I knew I'd feel at home on this sturdy vessel.
07:50The old girl was about to set sail and carry me to my new life, away from my troubles,
07:56finally leaving my ex-boyfriend Harrison far behind me.
08:01For fuck's sake!
08:06Just the very sight of that shit-wragg ex-boyfriend of mine and his new whore twink made my piss
08:12boil.
08:13I needed to cool down with some ice-cold hard liquor, and that's when I saw him.
08:19The most beautiful man I'd ever laid eyes on.
08:23I caught his eye, and he caught my heart.
08:27Vodka and gin on the rocks, please, hon.
08:30And make it a slimline.
08:32Single.
08:33Very.
08:34No, sorry, I mean, do you want a single or a double?
08:37All of the above.
08:40I'm a thirsty girl.
08:43Do I detect an exotic accent?
08:47Aye, I'm from Glasgow.
08:50Well, my mum and I moved around a lot, so I've kind of got a range of different Scottish accents
08:54all merged together.
08:55The funniest time was we moved to Rihla Arran.
08:56I couldn't understand a word they were saying at first, then you sort of learn to acclimatise, though, don't you?
09:04Hiya.
09:05What can I get you, pal?
09:06Ooh, I think I'll go for raspberry cider, please.
09:10Dickie, are you all right?
09:13Your face looks a bit fresh.
09:16Yeah, no, hon.
09:17I'm an English rose these days.
09:19Stuart, this is...
09:20I'm sorry I didn't catch your name.
09:22Jack.
09:23Jack!
09:23Nice to meet you.
09:25I'm Stuart.
09:25You know, I've got to say, pal, I think it's really admirable you're using a drag bunch to highlight the
09:30plate of the melting ice caps in Antarctica.
09:33Oh.
09:35Thanks very much.
09:36Yeah.
09:37I'm also a huge fan of climate change, Jack.
09:42Dickie, I really think you need to take a quick look in the mirror.
09:45You should take a good look in the mirror before you criticise other people, Stuart.
09:48You're just a squirty cream.
09:51Two triple vodka lemonades, please.
09:54Well, well, well.
09:56Look what's washed up.
09:57A thorn between two roses.
10:00Hiya, Dickie.
10:01What the hell's happened to your face?
10:02It's called a natural glow.
10:04You should ask Mother Nature for a refund.
10:08Jealousy is never attractive.
10:10Well, maybe you should change your name to Jealousy, then.
10:13Yeah, well, maybe you should change your name to Jealousy as well.
10:20I'm sorry to say that, Jack.
10:23Cheating cow!
10:24She's jealous.
10:25That's why she's done this.
10:27Well, I tell you what, I'm going to make this event a success.
10:30Even if I have to do it, I'll be all hands on deck!
10:33Yes, ma'am.
10:34Yes, ma'am.
10:36Back in this deck, Jack.
10:38What's going on, ma'am?
10:41Evil, conniving, backstabbing witch!
10:44Ma'am, Stuart's literally stood right here.
10:47I'm not Stuart!
10:48Nan!
10:48You're joking, aren't you?
10:50Nan's here!
10:51As I live and fucking breathe!
10:54Oh, where the fuck is Jordan Caz?
11:00Who's Nan?
11:01Ma'am's arch-nemesis.
11:03They go way back, but it didn't end well.
11:07Yeah, why?
11:08Let me tell you a little story, Stuart.
11:11Many moons ago, they were like sisters.
11:14They had this comedy double act, and they'd go around to all the working men's clubs together.
11:19Ma'am had this catchphrase the audiences couldn't get enough of.
11:22And I turned around to him, and I said,
11:24Oh, I wouldn't mind a right-go on your banana!
11:28They were making an absolute killing.
11:32Until one day, ma'am showed up for one of the gigs.
11:35She walked in, and to her shock, Nan was already on stage.
11:40You had this fella come to do me plumbing in me house the other day, right?
11:43And that's not all.
11:43But like that, you chipper big!
11:45Nan has stolen man's catchphrase.
11:49Oh, sir, I wouldn't mind a right-go on your banana.
11:53Why would she do that?
11:55Mum thinks she was jealous, because she was getting more laughs than her.
11:58But all you need to know is, they can never be left alone together.
12:02Do you understand me, Stuart?
12:04Aw, Harry!
12:06Found her!
12:07Hi, ma'am.
12:09You know, I actually prefer it up here, ma'am.
12:12It's got a lot of charm.
12:14We'll make it work, chick.
12:15We always do.
12:16Kaz, did you find out anything about the sound system for up here?
12:19Oh, yeah, about that.
12:20They don't have a sound system for up here.
12:23Huh?
12:24What am I going to do about me music?
12:26Oh, that's all I need.
12:28Would you run and get my mobile karaoke machine from the van, please, Kaz?
12:31That'll have to do.
12:32Oh, God, this didn't get any friggin' worse!
12:35Eh, just to let you know, the toilets up here are blocked,
12:37so you're going to have to get your audience to go downstairs if they need to spend a penny.
12:42GAAAARGH!
12:46Welcome aboard.
12:47Cheers.
12:49Need any help?
12:52Yeah, if you don't mind me.
12:57Welcome aboard.
12:58Welcome aboard.
12:59Oh.
13:20Well, we're, uh, we're about to set sail.
13:27Well, destination, New York.
13:36Does anyone fancy a game of bingo?
13:38Yeah.
13:39Yeah.
13:40Come on.
13:41You can do better than that.
13:42Anyone fancy a game of bingo?
13:50Whilst a man was slaying the house down upstairs,
13:53little did we know that below deck,
13:55something sinister was afoot.
13:59Are you here for the Titanic drag brunch?
14:12The bingo was in full swing.
14:15The bingo was in full swing.
14:15Legs 11?
14:1888.
14:20I'm going for a piss.
14:22Unfortunately, I was finding it hard to concentrate on ma'am's balls
14:25because Jack would not stop flirting with me.
14:29Sorry, he was flirting with you.
14:31Are you questioning my judgment, officer?
14:36As I was saying, Jack was in awe of me.
14:42Where the fuck is everyone?
14:4521.
14:46And then ma'am had an idea.
14:49Oh, no.
14:50Look out, everyone.
14:52Iceberg right ahead.
14:54Whoever the iceberg hits has to do a shot.
14:59Oh.
15:01Oh.
15:04Looks like the shot iceberg has found a victim.
15:07Come on, everyone.
15:08Down in one.
15:10Down in one.
15:12Down in one.
15:13Down in one.
15:15Woo!
15:16This is the best night I've ever fucking seen you.
15:23Um, just, just, um, talk amongst yourselves for a minute.
15:30What the hell's happened to my audience?
15:33I want you to go downstairs and find out.
15:35No problems, ma'am.
15:36I'm on the case.
15:37Thanks, chick.
15:40Oh, I'm glad I found you, Stuart.
15:43Ma'am's just told me to tell you to go downstairs
15:45to find out what's happened to her audience.
15:48Okay.
15:51Er, Jack, teach me how to speak Scottish.
15:55It's just English, Paul, with an accent.
15:59Er, Jack, teach me how to speak English.
16:02Such a beautiful language.
16:20Anybody fancy your shorts?
16:23Yeah!
16:33Watch out, everybody!
16:38There's a fucking iceberg!
16:42Hey!
16:45Iceberg!
16:46Iceberg!
16:47Iceberg!
16:48Iceberg!
16:49Iceberg!
16:50Iceberg!
16:51Iceberg!
16:53Baker's Dozen!
16:5560, isn't it, Dickie?
16:58Double brandy and cork, please, mate.
17:01Where's ma'am's audience?
17:03Funny you should mention it, actually,
17:04because she's just asked me to ask you
17:06if you wouldn't mind going downstairs
17:07to try and get them to come back home.
17:09Ah, sound.
17:10I'm on it.
17:19Where the hell have you been?
17:22I accidentally went downstairs and, well,
17:27I've seen things.
17:29What do you mean, things?
17:33I can't explain.
17:35All I know is I need to go back down.
17:42Neil?
17:43Neil!
17:55Iceberg!
17:57Iceberg!
17:58Iceberg!
17:59Iceberg!
17:59Iceberg!
18:00Iceberg!
18:02Iceberg!
18:03Iceberg!
18:05Iceberg!
18:06Iceberg!
18:06Iceberg!
18:08Iceberg!
18:08Iceberg!
18:09Iceberg!
18:10Iceberg!
18:10Iceberg!
18:10Iceberg!
18:11Iceberg!
18:11Iceberg!
18:13Iceberg!
18:13a bingo. I'm not sure you're aware but there's bingo going on. What did I tell you? This
18:27is absolutely amazing. Danny LaRue, 52. I'm gonna need another couple of bottles of
18:49Prosecco flour. The bastards have drank me dry downstairs. Sorry to interrupt this electrifying
19:04game of bingo but I just wanted to let everyone know there are three glasses of Prosecco downstairs
19:11for the next ten minutes. Go on. And I'm absolutely gagging to extract one of your balls, ma'am.
19:36You don't mind. Do you? One fat lady. Number eight. Saggy old whore. 34. Built like a vending machine.
19:5517. A speck of shit on me shoe. 32. Tits dragging on the floor. 64. Fools dragging on the floor.
20:0774. Lip-sync battle time! Yeah!
20:16What are you, little fuckers, brave enough to battle me? Yeah!
20:23Attention-seeking, bitch. I love lip-sync battles. I'll do it. Oh. We have a victim.
20:35And it looks like fucking Jackie Stallone. What's happening to Dickie's face? Yeah. Jackie.
20:49Not suitable for human skin. Not again, Uncle Dean, you complete arsehole. This is for you,
20:58Jack-bist! Some people say it looks like my dad's love.
21:01Some people say it looks like my dad's like me.
21:14I say, hey, boys...
21:37Thick as bricks, 26.
21:40A washed-up has-been, number 14.
21:43Neck as wide as a tree, 93.
21:46A haggard old bitch with freakishly large feet and a big fat arse, six.
21:54House.
21:55Ooh!
21:55We have a winner, ma'am.
21:59And I'll tell you what.
22:02I wouldn't mind a right go on your banana, banana, banana.
22:09Ooh!
22:10I wouldn't mind a right go on your banana.
22:17I said, I wouldn't mind a right go on your banana.
22:26What you gonna do?
22:28Hit me in front of your tiny audience.
22:33Outside, now!
22:34I'll give you a dabble!
22:49OOi!
22:50Packing ya yap in!
22:52Mum's outside with Nan.
22:53I'm a man, a loon.
22:59Tell me why you're doing this.
23:00Doing what?
23:01Why you stole me audience?
23:02Why did you steal me catchphrase?
23:04I never stole your audience.
23:06Maybe they just decided to have a day at home.
23:08And it was never your catchphrase.
23:11We were a double act.
23:13It was our catchphrase.
23:14Oh, you're a liar!
23:17Tell me the truth, or I'll spray this in your crusty old face.
23:21Why are you so obsessed with me?
23:25Obsessed?
23:26Come off it, ma'am.
23:28I mean, look at yourself.
23:30Who'd ever be obsessed with you?
23:35Okay.
23:37Maybe I did steal your audience.
23:40I knew it!
23:41But I did it because...
23:44I miss you.
23:46Eh?
23:47I miss you!
23:48Ah!
23:49And I just wanted to be around you again.
23:53I knew you wouldn't ever agree to a gig with me.
23:57So the only way I could spend time with you was to...
24:03hijack your event.
24:05I had no idea.
24:11I mean, that's quite unhinged, chick.
24:16I'm sorry, ma'am.
24:18I'll leave now.
24:21And let you finish your show.
24:36I knew you'd fall for that, you gullible old cow!
24:40What?
24:42I never stole you again cos I miss you!
24:46I was just bored as fuck!
24:49You evil...
24:53Nando!
24:54Nando!
24:55Nando!
24:58Qué-noo!
25:00Engage!
25:11Nando!
25:13누나!
25:13Oh yeah, Khmer,
25:15No!
25:25Oh, Stuart, stop pissing about.
25:27What are we going to do?
25:28Don't worry. The current should carry him back to the borough.
25:31Er, no, it'll take him to Stockton.
25:34Actually, lads, this current flows directly to the North Sea.
25:43And we never saw him again.
25:47You know, as irritating as he was, I'm going to miss that annoying little shitstick.
25:53Sorry? Who are you talking about?
25:56Stuart.
25:57Stuart Park?
25:58He drowned off his there. Keep up.
26:01Er, no, he didn't. He sat right there.
26:05Ah, yes. The river rat lives to fight another day.
26:13Fancy some more poteco?
26:14I nabbed a couple of bottles from Nan.
26:16Wouldn't say no, like.
26:22Cheers.
26:30PHONE RINGS
26:31Sal!
26:33Are we in the car?
26:36Got to go.
26:37Who's that?
26:38PHONE RINGS
26:39Sal!
26:40Well, she's actually my girlfriend.
26:44Oh, right.
26:46You best be getting back to her, then.
26:48PHONE RINGS
26:50Sal!
26:51What the frick are you doing, you divvy?
26:54Are we?
26:56PHONE RINGS
26:59I need you to get me a kebab.
27:01I'm frickin' starving.
27:03Wasting away over here.
27:10PHONE RINGS
27:12Ah, you've got an ass like an open suitcase!
27:15You sack of shit!
27:17Ah, you've got big balls like a face on her!
27:19Hiya, Stuart.
27:19Big dog, come!
27:22Thirdly, you're one of them!
27:23Look, I just wanted to let you know,
27:25I thought it was really, really brave what you did.
27:28I mean, jumping in the river,
27:30dressed as an iceberg,
27:31all in the name of drawing attention to the melting ice cap.
27:33Oh, no.
27:34You could have died!
27:36Jack, I think that...
27:37Listen, can I, er...
27:40Can I give you my number?
27:42You don't have to contact me,
27:44but if you ever fancy a drink...
27:48I...
27:50I'd love that, yeah.
27:51Would you like to give me your number, Jack?
27:55No.
27:56No, I wouldn't.
27:58Not until you start taking the environment seriously
28:00and stop using single-use plastic bottles.
28:03Sorry, Pep.
28:22What the fuck has happened to my face?!
28:28Baby.
28:31Ho, ho, na, na, na, na, na!
28:34Na-na-na-oh, na-na-na-na-na
28:38Ha, ha, ha, ha
28:41Say you will, say you won't
28:43Say you'll do what I've done
28:45Say you'll do, say you'll need more
28:48Say, say love me, say you will
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