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00:01Oh
00:14How is it even possible you've never seen bargain hunts Stuart? We don't have a TV at home
00:24What what are you staring at? We're just not connecting with the words that just came out your mouth
00:28We've just never had a TV in the house
00:32My grandma didn't really sorry you went to Jack's Jew, but does that mean you've never watched home and away
00:36all the one show a
00:39Far in a bed or undercover boss a Robson Green's weekend escapes us
00:45Who the hell's that?
00:47It all makes sense now. That's why you come across as an unhinged sociopath
00:52And probably explains why your skin so flaky
00:56Hiya
00:57Yeah, I thought you were on your date tonight
00:58Oh my god, it was an absolute disaster
01:01What happened chick?
01:02Well when I turned up I thought hubba fucking hubba
01:05He was absolutely stunning jaw like a rugby ball and so I thought to myself here we go this is
01:10the one this is my prince
01:11So what went wrong?
01:12He opened his mouth turns out
01:14He's just another creep
01:15What is it about me that just attracts creeps?
01:18Hey, it's got nothing to do with you chick
01:20Hey, what happened to carbon iron nail?
01:22Well he's not usually my type
01:24But I thought to myself no Lucinda you always go for dickheads so give this little weird lad a chance
01:27Plus we've got a lot in common since we've both got PhDs in astrophysics
01:31So I texted him the other day
01:33He didn't reply
01:35Proper ghosted me
01:36You're joking aren't ya?
01:37Who ghosted you?
01:38Or a little ball bag?
01:41What the hell is wrong with me?
01:42Oi
01:43You are an absolutely stunning, funny, sensational woman
01:48And I don't want some arsehole creepy man to ever make you feel like you're not worth the world
01:52Do you understand me?
01:55DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
01:57Yes mum
01:58Good
02:01You know what you need?
02:03Fairy godmother
02:04Oh my god if only
02:07Right chaps, I best be off
02:09Well I best be off as well
02:11Got work in the morning
02:13Oh
02:15Excuse me Stuart, sorry
02:18Sorry excuse me
02:21How are then Sal, you coming?
02:23To right chicks
02:24Hey, we watching Bargain Hunt
02:27Stuart's never seen it
02:28What the actual fuck? What's wrong with you Stuart?
02:34When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel
02:37When I grow up, I'mma be a supermodel
03:02Now before you all start celebrating, there are a few recommendations that I think you're going to find quite interesting
03:09How was your weekend?
03:11Are you still crying every second of every day after breaking up with Harrison?
03:14Do you know what, Moira, I'm not
03:16I'm in a much better place
03:17I think I can finally get that sweaty worthless little shit rag of a man out my mind and move
03:21on
03:22Is that right here?
03:24Stop going around calling me a shit rag
03:27We've got to analyse our own externals as well as everybody else's
03:31I know you can hear me
03:32Can you be quiet please?
03:34Senor shit rag
03:35Trying to listen to Marcus, he's got some very interesting points
03:38By readdressing the strategic proposals that the commission have set out
03:42Any questions?
03:44Ah, yes Elaine
03:45I had a stack of orange post-its on my desk and now they're gone
03:50Has anybody taken them?
03:54I think we can get you some more post-it notes, Elaine
03:57Any other questions? No?
03:59Well, enjoy your days
04:02PHONE RINGS
04:03Just before everybody shoots off
04:05I just want to remind you all about my meeting for the LGBTQ plus network this afternoon
04:11I need to get a sense of numbers so if you could respond to the email I sent, that would
04:14be stunning
04:15The only reply I've had so far is an out of office from Liz and she died two years ago
04:26PHONE RINGS
04:31Hey, I've got to tell you this Brenda, I completely put my foot in it the other day
04:35You know Janine who works in Argos?
04:37Oh yes
04:38She was in having her lashes tinted, she had something on her chin, looked like a big old bit of
04:41dry gravy
04:42And if I had a big old bit of dry gravy on my chin and nobody told me, I'd be
04:46absolutely mortified
04:48So I says, you've a bit of dry gravy on your chin, Janine
04:50She says, now hun, it's actually a Veruca
04:53I was so embarrassed
04:54I thought you could only get Veruca's on your feet
04:57That's what I said, apparently she's a medical marvel
04:59I says, have you got some bazooka for that Veruca, Janine?
05:01She says, no, because she wants to keep it so she can try and get an interview and take a
05:06break
05:06Ooh, right
05:09What are these onions meant to be doing then, Lucinda?
05:12They've got antioxidants in them, hun
05:13Which may protect your cells against free radicals
05:15Which may play a role in heart disease, cancer and other diseases, hun
05:19Is it meant to be burning?
05:21I think that means it's working
05:29I won't be a minute, hun
05:35Eh, my God
05:37Ahem
05:38Your carriage awaits, Princess
05:39What the hell is this?
05:41Well, I said you needed a fairy godmother to help you find your prince
05:44Here I am
05:46Eh, I've lined you up a couple of dates
05:48And they're both absolute beauties
05:51How are you, my lady? Climb aboard
06:02Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
06:07Whaaa-bibbidi-baf
06:11Laaaaaa
06:12Oi!
06:14How are you there?
06:16Big chance at the other end
06:17A great effort, but that was a nice hike for people, wasn't it?
06:22What the fuck are you doing in there?
06:24I can't hear meself think I've had to put the subtitles on the telly
06:28I've just practised my audition song
06:31What the frig are you auditioning for now?
06:33I thought you'd given up all that poncy shite
06:35after being rejected from that musical for the 74th time.
06:38What was it called again?
06:39Antintect the musical.
06:41Fuck me, they'll make a musical out of any old shite these days.
06:44It's actually for a competition.
06:46I thought I might give it a go.
06:48Written a couple of new songs and I feel a bit more confident this time.
06:52Oh, babe, I'll wait, open your eyes.
06:55There's confidence, yeah, and then there's just downright delusion.
06:59And I'm only being honest with you, babe, because I love you
07:02and I don't want people laughing at you.
07:06Thanks, babe.
07:07But I'll try and keep it down.
07:10Lovely one there for Webster, right down the left-hand side,
07:13into the channel, and you hit a left foot rock kick.
07:20No!
07:22I can still fucking hear you!
07:33What's the matter?
07:35I'm getting zero replies from a LGBTQ plus network meeting.
07:38It's probably pissing me off now!
07:40Oh, please don't shout at me, madam.
07:42I know what's frustrating.
07:46Please don't call me a useless Ted Cretan madam.
07:50And she's on it.
07:52What was her beef, mate?
07:53Time of the month?
07:54Yeah, probably, mate.
07:55Guten Morgen, Harrison.
07:57Guten Morgen, Trevor.
07:58It's Trev.
07:59I'm just jotting down the names of people coming to my LGBTQ plus network meeting
08:02this afternoon, and I've not had a reply from either of you,
08:05so can I pop you down as a yes?
08:07No, mate, sorry.
08:08Not into all of that woke bollocks.
08:11Plus, aren't you the only gay fella in the office?
08:13Eh?
08:13What about Trev?
08:15Harrison's literally sat opposite you, and he's a proper little ass bandit.
08:18Are you gay, mate?
08:21I am, yeah, mate.
08:23Fuck me.
08:25I thought you were straight.
08:27Hey, fair play, mate.
08:28You hide it well.
08:29Oh.
08:30Cheers, fella.
08:31Fella?
08:31Hang on, didn't I see you kissing some fit blonde lass the other month?
08:35Well, that fit blonde lass was me, actually, Trevor.
08:38Well, nah, mate.
08:39Sorry.
08:40You're never going to recruit me.
08:41I'm always going to be a vegetarian.
08:44No one's trying to recruit you, Trevor.
08:46It's Trev.
08:47Harrison, popped a little girl tick next to your little girl name, so I'll bet see you
08:50there, please.
08:53Here.
08:54Harris.
08:54Have you seen this one?
08:55It's Harrison.
08:56Harris.
08:56Right, watch.
08:58I'll get it over here.
08:59It's the one of the woman falling into the swimming pool.
09:01Ready?
09:02Right, here you go.
09:03Right.
09:06Oh, she gets her head on the rims.
09:10Oh, she's bleeding.
09:14Oh, it's good.
09:16Honestly.
09:20I really am, Babs.
09:21You OK?
09:23Moira.
09:23Moira.
09:24Moira.
09:24Where did you get those post-its?
09:28The stationary cupboard.
09:30They look very similar to the ones that were on my desk.
09:37I guess some post-its do tend to look like other post-its.
09:51Don't you think Elayne looks a little bit like Michelle Visage?
09:56I can't really see it, to be honest.
10:16Right, everyone, listen up.
10:18My name is Victor Starbright, and I am the head judge at North East Scott Talent.
10:24Now, you're going to have to excuse the bags under my eyes,
10:26because I've travelled from Newcastle to be here in the beautiful shithole
10:29that is Middlesbrough, and the jet lag is kicking in.
10:32Now, as you all know, the winner of the competition gets a year's supply of ham.
10:37So bring your A-games.
10:44Is anyone sitting here?
10:46Erm, I wouldn't have thought so.
11:00So, what's your talent?
11:03Erm, singing and that.
11:06What about you?
11:07Playing guitar.
11:09And that.
11:10Right, which one of you thieving, smoggy bastards
11:13has stolen my fountain pen?
11:14This is why I detest coming to Middlesbrough.
11:17You can't fart round here without someone nicking it.
11:21Oh, oh, there it is.
11:37And then the log foam went down the steep bit,
11:40and we got absolutely drenched.
11:42What about you, Stuart?
11:43Where did you lose your virginity?
11:46Well, I've not really had that much experience in the bedroom,
11:49to be honest, ma'am.
11:50Would have thought a good-looking fella like yourself
11:52would be batting them off.
11:54I just...
11:55I haven't really been out the closet that long.
11:58In fact, I'm only really out to you guys.
12:01What about your parents?
12:02Oh, they died when I was younger.
12:05Sorry to hear that, chick.
12:06So I grew up with my grandma.
12:08She doesn't know?
12:09Nah, I wouldn't want to cause her any more stress.
12:13I'm just happier not knowing I'm gay.
12:17My eyes are up here, you pervert.
12:21What are you saying?
12:22Stuart?
12:23Oh, no way!
12:25That's so funny!
12:26I'm the same!
12:29The thing about me is, I'm a family man, me-like.
12:32Oh, my God, me too.
12:34I think it's really important to find someone
12:37with strong family values.
12:39I just love my family.
12:40I do.
12:41So do I.
12:42I always go around to me mam's every Tuesday
12:44for a Sunday roast.
12:45She does cracking Yorkshire puds.
12:47Oh, does she?
12:48Yeah, I do.
13:02Um, who's had some of my grated cheese?
13:08Oh, sorry, I thought it was communal.
13:11What part of this label suggests it's communal, Gary?
13:14I'm on a very specific diet, Gary.
13:16And as part of said diet,
13:18the only thing I can eat between the hours of 12 and 2
13:20is grated cheese.
13:21Do you want me to starve, Gary?
13:23Sorry, Dickie.
13:25I couldn't see the label.
13:27I just had me cat racks removed.
13:29Stop playing the victim, Gary.
13:32Do you think this milk is off?
13:36I think it's good for the day.
13:37Our two burbs.
13:39Hey, Relene,
13:40are you coming to my LGBTQ plus network meeting later on?
13:43I would love that.
13:44But it's Fiona from HR's birthday
13:46and she brought in a caterpillar cake, so.
13:48Oh, enjoy it.
13:53Simon, are you coming to my LGBTQ plus network meeting later on?
14:03What nosey eating posture.
14:07It's a no today, sweetheart,
14:10but thanks for coming in.
14:14Didn't want your hammer anyway.
14:16Fuck me, these Middlesbrough contestants.
14:19They're worse than they usually are.
14:23Afraid of fucking Carlo as I live and fucking breathe.
14:29What you looking for, sweetheart?
14:32Your tweezers?
14:33I thought it said they'd be a pianist.
14:38Unfortunately, our pianist had a dodgy curry last night.
14:41It's coming out of both ends, apparently.
14:43So, unless you brought it back on track,
14:46you're going to have to go a cappella, I'm afraid.
14:52Behind...
14:53I just don't think she looks like it's time.
14:56She only said three words.
14:58It's a no today, sweetheart.
15:00Thanks for coming in.
15:01Howie, lads.
15:01Give us a chance.
15:02It sounds much better with a backing track, I promise you.
15:05Unfortunately, there's no way of us knowing that, is there, gorgeous?
15:09Because you haven't got a backing track.
15:11I've got the sheet music.
15:12Yeah, and like I've just said, the woman who reads the sheets has got the chits.
15:15So where does that leave us, gorgeous?
15:18I could play it on my guitar.
15:19Oh, God, here's another one stuck her forehead in a bowl of slugs.
15:23You don't have to do that, mate.
15:24It's okay, I don't mind.
15:25All right, nice, lovely.
15:27Get on with it, will you?
15:49Behind picket fences
15:52On cul-de-sac roads
15:58That dampened your spirit
16:01For why you just didn't know
16:04Thank you!
16:08She just doesn't look like a star.
16:10I am looking for the whole package.
16:13We're going to have to put somebody through to the next round.
16:16You said no to everyone so far.
16:18Fine!
16:22Okay, well, you're through to the judges' houses.
16:25Yes, thanks, mate.
16:27Next!
16:34Stop doing that, it looks terrible.
16:41Employees of Trish, welcome to the first ever LGBTQ plus network meeting.
16:48Please, put your hands together for Dickie!
16:54For fuck's sake.
17:11Sorry, Dick, have I got the right time?
17:13Yeah, Humberton, no bugger, Sean.
17:15I'm just going to cancel the whole bloody network.
17:17There's no point.
17:18That'd be such a shame.
17:24Actually, Dickie, do you mind if I ask you something?
17:27Yeah, of course, hon.
17:28It's about me son, Ollie.
17:30What it is, is...
17:31Well, I walked in on him the other day
17:33and he was watching something on his iPad.
17:35Right.
17:37What was it?
17:39No, no, maybe I shouldn't say it.
17:41Oh, wait, Marcus, you can't do that to me.
17:43Give us the goss.
17:44What, did you catch a little pervert watching?
17:46Right.
17:50It was...
17:51Well, it was Elaine Page's top 40 greatest musical performances.
17:55It was seven and a half hours long.
17:57Oh, I see.
18:00And I found this under his bed.
18:03You know, I'm thinking he might be...
18:05Well, not necessarily babes.
18:07And I caught him kissing a boy.
18:09Ah.
18:10Right.
18:11Yeah, well...
18:12That certainly sounds like non-heterosexual behaviour, so...
18:16Right.
18:17OK.
18:18Yeah, sure.
18:19Just one more question.
18:20Mm-hmm.
18:22What do I do?
18:25You know what, Marcus?
18:27I've got the perfect thing for a situation like this.
18:29I'll bring it over to you for my next fag break.
18:31I didn't know you smoked.
18:32I don't.
18:35Matt!
18:37I don't really know what to say, mate.
18:39Ah, you don't need to say anything.
18:41I was happy to help.
18:42Did you write that song yourself?
18:44Yeah, I did.
18:45Aye.
18:46It's really beautiful.
18:48Just like you.
18:53Er...
18:56I'll see you soon, if you ask for judges' houses.
19:05It's all right, then.
19:25Here you go, ma'am.
19:27I still can't get over the size of Carl's schlong.
19:32Have you ever seen one that big, Stuart?
19:34Me?
19:36Don't think I have.
19:39Isn't nature marvellous?
19:45How old were you when you came out, ma'am?
19:47Too old, chick.
19:49I don't regret much in life.
19:51But one thing I'll never forgive myself for
19:53is coming out so late.
19:55It's fucking hard living as someone else for that long.
19:59I'll tell you what, though, chick.
20:00I'm making up for lost frigging time now.
20:10And so, I was laser-moving this woman's moustache hair
20:13and the poor last sneezed
20:15and I zapped off half her eyebrow as well.
20:17That sounds like a hairy situation.
20:21So, what is it that you do for work?
20:23Well, actually, I'm a dentist.
20:25Eh, no way.
20:26So, do you just walk around judging people's teeth?
20:29I suppose I probably do subconsciously.
20:32I will say, though, you have very beautiful teeth.
20:35Oh, thank you very much.
20:37I grew with myself.
20:40You're not going to believe this.
20:41But Carl the Horse is pissing on the exact spot
20:45where I had my first ever kiss.
20:48You had your first kiss from the back of Quick Fit?
20:51Oh, well, back in the day, chick,
20:52this was all farmland.
21:03I don't suppose you fancy going for a drink after this?
21:07I would absolutely love that.
21:10But I've got to get back to me girlfriend.
21:12She's cooking me tagliatelle tonight.
21:36Right, Marcus.
21:37I'll throw in a few bits and pieces together,
21:39so I can have a flick through and see if any of it's helpful.
21:43You'll see that the first few pages are the lyrics
21:45to some well-known songs from musicals
21:47in case he's having a little sing-song
21:48and you fancy joining in.
21:50Then we got into the heavier stuff.
21:52I've written a few scripts of how to react when he comes out to you.
21:55I'll always love you no matter what.
21:56That kind of thing.
21:57You don't have to use them, but they're there for reference.
22:01Then towards the end, you'll see I've popped in a list
22:03of gay bars and clubs
22:04in case you fancy taking him for a pint and poppers.
22:06How old is he again?
22:08Fifteen.
22:09You might want to keep that one aside for a couple of years.
22:13Dickie, I don't know what to say.
22:16This is so kind of you.
22:18Don't be daft, babe. I'm going to do my job.
22:20Your job is actually revenue insurance and sales handling.
22:22You do know that, don't you?
22:24Yeah, of course.
22:28I do appreciate this, though.
22:32And do you know what?
22:33I don't think you should give up on the network.
22:35Well, we'll see.
22:38Right, I'd better get back to that revenue insurance and scaly hands.
22:43It's sales handling.
22:45What is?
22:57Oh, I just can't be arsed any more, hon.
23:00I feel like I'm wasting my time.
23:03I think maybe I should just admit defeat.
23:08You know, Lucinda, the one thing I've learned about you in the short time I've known you is that you
23:14radiate a pure love.
23:17You're essentially, like, a love radiator and your thermostat is constantly on high.
23:24There's no doubt in my mind somebody special will come and warm his hands on you soon.
23:29You have a lovely way of words, Stuart.
23:37Can I ask you a question?
23:39Of course you can, hon.
23:41Do you really have a PhD in astrophysics?
23:43Yeah, hon.
23:45I'm completely obsessed with cosmological gravitational radiation and the phenomenology of the early universe.
23:56See you later, sweetheart.
24:01Does he normally talk to you like that?
24:03Oh, I get it all the time, burbs.
24:06It's part of the course, unfortunately.
24:07You shouldn't have to deal with it.
24:09Oh, don't worry about me.
24:11I've dealt with far worse than that big old barrel of bin juice.
24:14Well, listen, if you need anything for your gay network, you just let me know, OK?
24:18Oh.
24:19Cheers, Marcus.
24:25You OK, babes?
24:28I'm just a bit anxious about our Ollie.
24:31I don't want him to be treated any differently when he comes out.
24:34He hasn't got the strength that you've got.
24:37I just want him to have a normal life.
24:40What is normal, anyway?
24:42I'd say, look, us queers are very normal.
24:45We're the same as you in many ways.
24:47We get up and get dressed.
24:49Just like you.
24:50We have our breakfast.
24:52Jam roly-poly with toasty soldiers.
24:55Just like you.
24:56We go to work, just like you.
24:57And then we come home and have our dinners.
24:59Jam roly-poly with gravy.
25:01Just like you.
25:02I know you've probably got some wild ideas about what we get up to outside of work, Marcus, but I
25:08can assure you, we live very normal, boring lives.
25:13Just like you.
25:17Just like you.
25:18Just like you.
25:31Oh, my ride's here, so...
25:42For fuck's sake.
25:43That's all I need.
25:44Linda!
25:45Piss off, Carbonara.
25:46You had your chance with her.
25:48I need to speak to you.
25:49Well, I don't want to speak to you, hon.
25:51On your way.
25:52You heard the lady.
25:53On your way.
25:54Oh, please.
25:55On your way, Neil.
25:56My shoe!
25:58You ghosted me, Neil.
25:59No more chances.
26:01Can you please stop throwing shoes at me?
26:03I can explain everything.
26:04I swear down, I didn't mean to ghost you.
26:07I dropped my phone when I was skydiving.
26:10No offence, Neil, but that sounds like a bare-faced lie.
26:13No, I'm being serious.
26:15Look.
26:17Oh, my God.
26:18It's rising from the eyes.
26:20It is, isn't it?
26:20If I could have texted you, I would have asked if he wanted to maybe finish that job.
26:26That date we started.
26:28Finish our conversation about how gamma radiation can affect intraocular cellular proliferation.
26:33Bloody hell, Neil.
26:34Can you put it in your pants?
26:52It fits.
26:56I suppose so.
26:57Yay!
26:59Woo-hoo!
27:00We are quick!
27:02I will just say this, though, Neil.
27:05If you ever hurt our Lucinda in any way, we will slice you up into pieces like an onion.
27:14Are we clear?
27:18Yeah.
27:19Yeah, of course.
27:20Onion?
27:23Oh, my God, Brenda.
27:28I wouldn't mind a cup of tea if there's one going, Lucinda.
27:32Oh, my God.
27:40Yeah, yeah.
27:41Oh, my God.
27:48Yeah, yeah.
27:50I can't love you like you want me to, but I still love you all the same.
27:58Oh, my God.
27:59Oh, my God.
28:00You
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